15588468 169 Which Witch is Which

The Fairly OddParents “Which Witch is Which” (AN 11 MINUTE SCRIPT) #169

Written By Jack Thomas First Draft: 8.6.02 Second Draft: 8.14.02 Third Draft: 8.16.02 Final Script: 8.21.02

The Fairly OddParents: “Which Witch is Which” final script by Jack Thomas 8.21.02

Nickelodeon Animation Studio. C2002 Viacom International Inc.

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FADE IN: EXT. TIMMY'S TREEHOUSE - NIGHT Push in on the TREEHOUSE. INT. TIMMY'S TREEHOUSE - CONTINUOUS CLOSE ON CHESTER who is totally freaking out about something. CHESTER Guys, stop fighting! You know when you guys fight I get gassy! Widen to reveal that TIMMY and AJ are angrily hunched over a TABLE, each with their own BLUEPRINTS for a float. <> Behind Chester, in the fishbowl... COSMO and WANDA float on a window sill. COSMO AND WANDA GAH!!! Cosmo and Wanda put on GAS MASKS as Timmy and AJ pick up their blueprints and fan the smell away. CHESTER Can we please just pick what our Dimmsdale Founder's Day Float's gonna be? AJ's very technical blue print shows Alden Bitteroot - A bold, muscular, dark-haired Pilgrim. The float design shows Alden shooing a witch away from Dimmsdale with a broom. AJ I say our float should be dedicated to Alden Bitteroot! The unsung, witch-hunting hero of colonial Dimmsdale! Timmy holds up his design - a poorly scrawled crayon drawing of a blonde muscular hero. TIMMY No way! We need to build a float honoring the brilliance of Dale Dimm!

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AJ Dale Dimm didn't even exist! He's a folk legend! If he's real, why isn't there any proof? Like a portrait or something? CHESTER Stop fighting! ON CHESTER - SFX: FART! Everybody winces. TIMMY I'll make you a deal. If you find proof you're right about Alden Bitteroot, we'll build your float. If I find proof about Dale Dimm, we'll build mine. Deal? AJ You? Versus me? About facts? HA! I've already won! (dramatic) To the library! Come on! AJ grabs Chester and runs O.S. Cosmo and Wanda POOF in. WANDA Timmy, AJ's a genius! You'll never be able to out-library him! Timmy pulls out a POLAROID-TYPE CAMERA. TIMMY Which is why we're going to get our proof in person! I wish we could go back in time and see how Dimmsdale was founded! Cosmo and Wanda raise their wands and POOF! We... CUT TO: EXT. YE OLDE DIMMSDALE MAIN STREET- DAY It's like Salem in the 1600's except, it's Dimmsdale. Timmy -- dressed in the Pilgrim-esque clothes of the day -- POOFS in with Cosmo and Wanda as SQUIRRELS by a sign that reads "Ye Olde Town With No Name!" TIMMY


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Here we are! Old Dimmsdale! COSMO Actually, we're in ye old town with no name! WANDA Well, they should call it the town with no hygiene. Look! Timmy looks O.S. To see: ALDEN BITTEROOT, (Crocker in a pilgrim hat), near a small group of CITIZENS. All of them are dirty, poorly dressed and have horrid teeth. NOTE TO ARTIST: WE NEVER SEE BITTEROOT'S FEET UNTIL THE END. BITTEROOT Behold! I present to thee: A witch! Alden holds up a DUCK. The crowd "ahhhhs' except for one blonde, huge, barefoot hick named DALE DIMM. (Think Lenny from "Of Mice and Men.") DALE Durr... DUCKY! BITTEROOT Ducky? 'Tis a witch, I say! Thou dost question me? Alden Bitteroot; hunter of witches? Verily, it may looketh like a duck... Bitterroot puts a WITCH'S HAT and BROOM on the duck. BITTEROOT ...but what of it now? MOB Witch! Witch! Witch! BITTEROOT Come! We shalst testeth this witch upon the slow roasting spit of justice! Bitteroot and the mob carry the duck past Timmy and O.S. TIMMY What? That duck's not a witch!


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WANDA I know! It's a BOY duck! Technically, that would make it a warlock. TIMMY Whatever! Apparently, early settlers in Dimmsdale weren't very magic friendly. COSMO Or duck friendly! DALE (O.S.) Der, excuseth me. Timmy turns to see Dale Dimm right behind him. DALE Art though talking to the fuzzy wuzzies? (beat) Ooo! Oooo! Witch! Wanda and Cosmo peek out from around the well. WANDA It's warlock, ye olde twit! While screaming "Witch," Dale jumps up and down demanding attention. Suddenly... DALE OWTCH-ETH! OOOTCH-ETH!! Timmy nervously looks as Dale's commotion is starting to raise the attention of the TOWNSFOLK. TIMMY Hold still. And pipeth downeth! Timmy plucks a THORN out of Dale's bare foot, relieving him from pain instantly. Dale hugs him way too hard. DALE Thanketh thee! Thou be-est my new best-eth buddy-eth! (sniffs Timmy) You smell nice. TIMMY


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(sniffs Dale - he stinks!) It's called a bath. You should try it. We hear ANTI-WITCH WALLA as Alden Bitteroot leads a small GROUP OF VILLAGERS in. BITTERROOT Well, bumpkin? Where be-eth the witch? DALE Uh.... There-eth? He points... not at Timmy, At a LOG. Beat. BITTERROOT You have spied a Witch log! Bravo, Dale Dimm! Well done! Bitteroot and his mob grab the log and carry it off. TIMMY Wait... You're Dale Dimm? Dale checks his UNDERWEAR. It reads "Dale Dimm." DALE (reading) Dale... Dimm... TIMMY HA! You are real! I was right! Suddenly, the wafting SMELL of a wonderful meal floats through scene. DALE Mmmm! 'Tis the time of lunch! Dale runs off. Cosmo and Wanda scamper in. TIMMY Hey! Follow that historical idiot! COSMO (Pissed) Hey! WANDA Not you, him! They follow as we...

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DISSOLVE TO: EXT. DIMMSDALE TOWNS SQUARE-LATER A CROWD of poorly dressed, dirty people with bad teeth have gathered around a PLATFORM. On the STAGE is Alden Bitteroot and the OLDE MAYOR, who is an old mayor. Timmy is in the back of the crowd, making a SANDWICH and filling his plate from a large BUFFET of excellent looking PIONEER FOOD. Turkey, roast pig, bread, corn, potatoes, etc. Dale takes a seat on a BENCH -- but he's so heavy that he sends everyone on the other end flying into the air. Cosmo and Wanda flit behind Timmy as BUTTERFLIES. ON THE PLATFORM OLDE MAYOR We of the town with no name oweth much to ye, Alden Bitteroot! Who just this morning caughteth two more witches! He puts out his hand. The Mayor hands him TWO SACKS OF GOLD. BITTERROOT And I swear to thee, good citizens, I shalst rid this town of witches as long as thy gold keepeth coming! On TIMMY, with Cosmo and Wanda near him as Butterflies. He walks past the table, picking up various pieces of meat and cheese, making a sandwich. TIMMY Two witches? The duck and a log? AJ was wrong! This guy is so wrong! He's a total fake! Timmy reaches in and grabs another slab of meat... A Puritan raises his glass, revealing his sweaty arm pit... Right in front of Wanda. WANDA So we can leave? And go somewhere that doesn't reek? Timmy reveals... He still has his Polaroid camera. TIMMY No way! I gotta take a picture of the town naming ceremony, so I can lie to AJ about


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where I found it and win our argument! Besides... Timmy takes a bite of his sandwich and then belches up a BONE from the duck. TIMMY 'tis the time of lunch! And I'm starved! ON THE PLATFORM OLDE MAYOR And so... to honor thy witch hunting, we have finally decided to nameth this town! We shall forever call this town - Bitterburg!! ON TIMMY - Giving a spittake from his sandwich. TIMMY What? NO WAY! The crowd gasps and parts. Timmy is left to face Alden Bitteroot and the mayor. BITTEROOT Dost thee have a problem, neighbor? TIMMY The town isn't supposed to be called Bitterburg! It should be named after him! Dale Dimm! Timmy points and everyone looks at Dale Dimm, who is picking his nose. The crowd breaks into <>. DALE I can touch-eth my brain! CROWD MEMBER #1 Idiotville? CROWD MEMBER #2 Moronopolis? NED BEATTY LOOK-A-LIKE Otisberg?


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ON DALE - The crowd laughs as Dale steps on a FORK and hops around on one foot, finger in nose. As he hops, he crushes things with his big dumb feet. CHAIRS, TOWNSPEOPLE, PIGS... The laughter continues as he continues to bound O.S. DALE Ow. Ow. Ow!!! Bitteroot enters, furious. BITTEROOT Thou dost mocketh me in such a public manner? Perhaps there is black magic afoot? TIMMY What? Me? I'm not a witch! BITTEROOT Oh? Perhaps thou wouldst like to explain that bizarre and arcane arrangement of meat and bread. Timmy looks at the SANDWICH he had been eating. TIMMY Oh, this? Timmy grabs two pieces of BREAD, layers in various LETTUCE, TOMATOES, MEAT AND CHEESE, making a massive SANDWICH. TIMMY Well, when you take-eth... two pieces of bread-eth...Put in some meat-eth, cheese-eth, lettuce and tomato-eth... It's called a sandwich! The crowd <> BITTEROOT Ah ha! He said witch! TIMMY It's not that kind of witch! The crowd <> again. BITTEROOT

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Get him! Get the witch! TIMMY Time to booketh... Timmy turns to run and is smashed under Dale's FOOT. DALE Ow-eth! Ow-eth! Ow-eth! Bitteroot pulls Timmy out of Dale's massive foot as we... CUT TO: EXT. DIMMSDALE LAKE - LATER Alden, Dale and the Mob have gathered on a DOCK. A trussed up Timmy looks around for Cosmo and Wanda, but can't find them. BITTEROOT Since thou wilst not confesseth thy witchery, we must testeth thee! He signals to Dale and another PURITAN, who pick Timmy up to throw him in the lake. BITTEROOT If ye sink and drown, then ye be human! But if thou dost live, ye are a witch because witches don't sinketh! TIMMY What? That makes no sense! BITTEROOT Not to a witch! PITCH THE WITCH! They rock Timmy back and forth and give him a good heave. TIMMY I'm not a witch! WIDEN TO REVEAL THAT UNDER THE DOCK - Cosmo and Wanda, in fairy form, float unseen. TIMMY

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(LOUD) But I do very much wish-eth there was a manner for me to magically breathe-eth under water! Cosmo eats a DUCK LEG. Cosmo waves the duck leg like a wand... But nothing happens. COSMO My wand isn't working! WANDA That's a duck leg, you moron! Cosmo <> out his wand. COSMO That's where you were! Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands as we... SCUBA POOF TO: EXT. UNDERWATER -CONTINUOUS Timmy sinks. Cosmo and Wanda poof a big BUBBLE around them all. Wanda poofs away the ropes that bind Timmy. TIMMY Thanks, guys! WANDA Timmy, we have to get out of here! These people are dirty and stupid! COSMO And trust me, she can put up with one, but both is too much! TIMMY I can't leave now! If I leave, Dale Dimm remains a laughing stock the town won't be named Dimmsdale! I can't go to Bitterburg Elementary! That's just dumb! Come on! They raise their wands and POOF! We...

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DISSOLVE TO: EXT. DIMMSDALE TOWN SQUARE - LATER Bitteroot and the Mayor are back on the stage in front of the Mob. Alden leans on his BROOM. OLDE MAYOR Once again, Alden Bitteroot, you have swept yet another witch away from our town. Have some more gold! BITTEROOT Don't mind-eth if I do-eth! The Mayor hands over another BAG OF MONEY. TIMMY (O.S.) Not so fasteth, you big fake! The mob parts, revealing a soaking wet Timmy, wearing a COSMO PILGRIM HAT and a WANDA PILGRIM BLAZER. The crowd gasps. ON THE MAYOR - who snatches back his money bag. BITTEROOT What?!? Only a witch couldst survive within the lake! Timmy gets up in Bitteroot's face. TIMMY Or kid who can swim! You're just scaring people to make them pay you to find witches that don't exist!! BITTEROOT What of the log that said naught in it's own defense and was justly burnt to an ash? And the duck, which flew? The crowd is murmuring in agreement when suddenly... The Cosmo hat belches -- and spits out a duck bone. BITTEROOT His hat! It doth belch! Surely he must be a witch!


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WANDA Warlock! BITTEROOT And his coat doth nag! He's clearly a witch! TIMMY Smooth-eth move-eth. Timmy runs. The townsfolk give chase. The camera follows. TIMMY Why am I running when I could be poofing? Get me out of here! Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands... when suddenly... Two bolts of magic strike their wands! Their wands Fizzle. COSMO Somebody's blocking our magic! TIMMY Maybe there is a witch in this un-named town! Timmy turns back around and surveys the crowd. Who is the witch? Not Dale. The THREE LADIES stirring the big black KETTLE? No, they lift their stirrers and you can see they are doing laundry. A WOMAN is floating on a broom. We pull back to see she's on a little ride -- the kind you'd see in front of a grocery store. TIMMY (realizing beat) Or a warlock! TIMMY'S POV - Timmy focuses on Bitteroot, standing in front of the BITTERBURG sign. The design of "BITTERBURG" -- with the two T's making a peak to his pilgrim hat, making it look like a classic witch's cap! And he is leaning on a broom. And the black cat that jumped out of the woman's arms just jumped up on the railing beside him and winked. TIMMY Alden Bitteroot, I accuseth the of beingeth... A Witch! (beat) Eth! The crowd gasps and turns towards Bitteroot.


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BITTEROOT Thou art mad! Mad, I say-eth!! TIMMY Oh? Then why don't your feet touch the ground? WIDEN TO REVEAL - Sure enough... His feet don't touch the ground. He floats. Like a fairy. OLDE MAYOR Many of us were quite perplexed-eth about that. BITTERROOT Zounds! Thou hast ruined my plan to taketh over this town! He becomes so enraged, a PEAK pops up on his pilgrim hat. He floats toward Timmy shooting FIREBALLS out of the end of his broom while he cackles an evil witch laugh! The crowd flees. BITTERROOT (cackles) Prepareth to perish under the witchery of Alden Bitteroot! Timmy dodges the fireballs as he zig-zags down the street. Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda dive behind the well. A fireball crashes near by. Bitteroot is closing in. BITTEROOT No one doth have the courage to help-eth thee now, child! Bid farewell to thy belching hat and nagging coat! DALE (O.S.) Little Buddy! Dale Dimm rushes at Bitteroot. The witch turns and with another evil laugh, aims his fireballing broom at Dale. He fires - just as Dale steps on a PLOW. DALE Ow. ow. Ow. Ow. Dale hops around on one leg, inadvertently dodging the fireballs and getting closer and closer to Bitteroot, until he bumps him into the well. He falls for like... ever.


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BITTEROOT Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!! SPASH! The mayor, Timmy and Dale look down into the well. TIMMY Wow! That's one deep well. BITTEROOT (V.O.) I'm melting-eth! I'm melting-eth! Timmy pulls the plow out of Dale's foot as several townsfolk surround Timmy. They are ALL holding sandwiches now. OLDE MAYOR Young witch hunter! How canst we of the town with no name ever thank thee for ridding us of that witch and the creation of a portable way to dineth upon meat and cheese? TIMMY Don't thank me! He's the hero that stopped the witch! Dale Dimm! Widen to reveal Dale, obliviously sucking his thumb near the sign that reads "Ye Old Town With No Name." OLDE MAYOR So be it! From this day forth, we shall name this town Dimmsdale! CROWD Huzzah!!! They raise their arms... Stink lines instantly blast from their unwashed arm pits. And the TREES around them instantly die. Suddenly, a LOCAL ZIPS into scene with a carved wooden SIGN that reads "Welcome To Dimmsdale." ON TIMMY - Pulling out his POLAROID CAMERA. He motions to several citizens to get in the photo. TIMMY Great! Now can you all just kind of scrunch together?

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Timmy's POV - We see a group of citizens, Dale Dimm and the Mayor scrunching to get into the picture around the old Town Well. TIMMY (V.O.) Okay... Now smile! They smile, revealing hideous teeth. POOF! Timmy takes a photo. It spits out a Polaroid. DIFFERENT ANGLE - The mayor, Dale and the citizens freak. OLDE MAYOR The box! It flashes with the light of a thousand suns! CROWD MEMBER #1 WITCH BOX! RUN! They flee. Timmy plucks the PHOTO from the camera. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. STREETS OF DIMMDALE - THE NEXT DAY CLOSE ON THE PHOTO, NOW IN AN AGED FRAME - AJ holds it. AJ Man this portrait is good! It almost looks like a photo! Where did you find this? Widen to reveal that Timmy, Chester and AJ are all in some sort of cockpit... All holding sandwiches. TIMMY Uh... Internet? AJ Fine with me! My Alden Bitteroot float wouldn't have been nearly this cool! CHESTER Yeah, but this Dale Dimm robot float you built is amazing! WIDEN TO REVEAL -- Timmy, AJ and Chester in a gigantic DALE DIMM ROBOT that, of course, is smashing every other float under it's gigantic bare, robotic feet.


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AJ This is going to be the best Dimmsdale Founders and Invention of Sandwich Day parade ever! DAD, holding a sandwich, cowers under it's robot foot. DAD Oh my heavens... RUN!!! WIDEN STILL to reveal that the Dale Dimm robot is crushing its way down the street, just like Dale Dimm... Hopping, crushing people holding sandwiches under it's feet and then pulling people out from it's toes. ON THE ROBOT - Through the eyes, we see Chester, AJ and Timmy. TIMMY (to AJ) Can I steer? AJ No way! It's still my turn! CHESTER Stop fighting! SFX: FART! Timmy and AJ start wince. TIMMY AND AJ GAK! ON COSMO AND WANDA - As POST BOXES on the street. WANDA Wow! Their float sure is destructive! COSMO But it's historically accurate! A shadow falls over them. It's the Dale Dimm foot. COSMO AND WANDA AAAAAAAAAA!!!! The big Dale foot pounds COSMO AND WANDA flat. The screen goes black. And we... FADE OUT.

15588468 169 Which Witch is Which

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