------------------------------------------------------------------------------Crazy For You Music: George Gershwin Lyrics: Ira Gershwin Book: Ken Ludwig Premiere: Wednesday, February 19, 1992 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------CAST OF CHARACTERS BOBBY CHILD New York, young man in love with musical theater BELA ZANGLER New York, an established producer LANK HAWKINS Nevada, saloon proprietor EVERETT BAKER Polly's father POLLY BAKER Deadrock, Nevada postmistress, "All American Girl" IRENE ROTH New York Society debutant EUGENE FODOR An English tourist PATRICIA FODOR Eugene's sister MOTHER (Mrs. Lottie Child) Bobby's business-oriented and controlling parent PERKINS Mother's business assistant CHAUFFEUR :for Mother's limousine CAST OF CHARACTERS (continued) 10 FOLLIES GIRLS - CHORUS TESS Dance director, Zangler's favorite PATSY Showgirl with high speaking voice MITZI A principal dancer
ELAINE LOUISE SUSIE BETSY MARGIE SHEILA VERA 10 COWBOYS - CHORUS HARRY (Bartender) PETE CUSTUS JIMMY Cowboy Trio: MOOSE MINGO SAM Card Players: BILLY WYATT JUNIOR NEW YORK THEATRE STAGE MANAGER STAGE HANDS 4 SHOW GIRLS 2 LACKEYS FOR ZANGLER 3 MOTHER'S DIRECTORS NEW YORK PASSING STREET CROWDS NEVADA PASSING STREET CROWDS
MUSICAL NUMBERS ACT ONE A. OVERTURE - Orchestra B. INCIDENTAL: Before Opening - Orchestra 1. K-RA-ZY for You - Bobby 2. I Can't Be Bothered Now - Bobby & Girls 2. (cont'd) PLAYOFF: Bothered - Orchestra 2a. SCENE CHANGE: After Bothered - Orchestra 3. Bidin' My Time - Cowboy Trio (Mingo, Moose, Sam) & Men 3a. INCIDENTAL: Bobby Staggers In - Orchestra 4. Things Are Looking Up - Bobby 4a. INCIDENTAL: After Things - Piano Solo 5. Could You Use Me? - Bobby & Polly 5 (cont'd) Shall We Dance? - Bobby & Polly 5a. SCENE CHANGE: Shall We Dance? - Music Box 6. Girls Enter Nevada [Bronco Busters] - Chorus 7. Someone to Watch Over Me - Polly 8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass - Piano with ad lib. Drums 9. Slap That Bass - Bobby (as Zangler) & Company 10. Embraceable You - Polly & Bobby (as Zangler) 11. Tonight's the Night - Chorus 12. I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company 12-I Dance Part One: I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company 12-II Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm - Company ACT TWO 13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag Cowboy Trio & Chorus 13 (cont'd) INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo 14. What Causes That - Bobby & Zangler 14a. SCENE CHANGE - Bobby Wakes Up - Orchestra 15. Naughty Baby - Irene, Lank & male Quartet (Harry, Junior, Wyatt & Mingo) 15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You - Music box [There is no musical number 16] 17. Stiff Upper Lip - Eugene, Patricia, Bobby, Polly & Company 18. They Can't Take That Away From Me - Bobby 19. But Not For Me - Polly 19 (cont'd) Reprise: But Not for Me - Polly 19a. SCENE CHANGE: New Promenade - Orchestra 20. Nice Work If You Can Get It - Bobby & Girls 21. Bidin' My Time (French Reprise) - Cowboy Trio 22. Reprise: Things are Looking Up - Everett 23. Finale - Company 24. Curtain Calls - Full Company 25. EXIT MUSIC - Orchestra
A. Overture ACT ONE B. INCIDENTAL: Before Opening (Optional) Scene One Wings and Stage of Zangler's Broadway Theater, the wings in the foreground, and the stage in the background. Onstage, a show is in progress. In the wings, STAGEHANDS are working the lights, STAGE MANAGER calling cues, etc. As the curtain rises, TESS, the Dance Director, is drilling four SHOW GIRLS in a short routine. 1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You TESS (over the music) Shoulders back! Heads high! One last time1 (As soon as the SHOW GIRLS leave the wings and parade onto the stage, TESS looks around to see if Bobby has arrived. She looks at her watch with concern, then calls to PATSY, a very dumb SHOW GIRL with a high, squeaky voice.) TESS Patsy! Where's Bobby?! He should have been here two hours ago! PATSY I know! I saw him yesterday, and he was all excited about the audition for Mr. Zangler. TESS (looking off) Wait! There he is! (BOBBY CHILD, dressed as a banker, hurries on, into the wings, pulling off his overcoat.) PATSY Bobby! BOBBY Oh, my god! Did I make it?! Is Zangler still here?! PATSY Yeah, ya still got five minutes. BOBBY Great TESS Bobby, what happened?! BOBBY
They kept me late at the bank. But I've got my tap shoes on! This time Zangler's going to be dazzled. He's going to hire me on the spot! (At this point, the number "onstage" is over, and BELA ZANGLER enters the wings. This great impresario is an imposing dapper man with a moustache, beard and Hungarian accent. BOBBY sees him -) BOBBY Mr. Zangler! (:but TESS and PATSY stop BOBBY from bothering ZANGLER just yet. A trumpet fanfare, the STAGE MANAGER takes ZANGLER'S cigar, and ZANGLER sweeps onstage to make his curtain speech. ZANGLER raises his arms, and the "applause" dies down.) ZANGLER Ladies and gentlemen. Vell vell vell. My name is Bela Zangler. (Applause.) Thank you for coming to Zangler Follies - our final performance of the season, and I hope you vill all be here in just eight veeks for vonderful new show! (Wild applause as ZANGLER leaves the stage and the company bows begin. As soon as ZANGLER gets to the wings, BOBBY tries again.) ZANGLER Tessie! BOBBY Mr. Zangler, could I see you a min ZANGLER I must talk now to dance director about very important professional matter! BOBBY Right. (Bobby moves away, and ZANGLER pulls TESS aside.) ZANGLER (Business-like) Tessie. TESS Yes, Mr. Zangler?
(ZANGLER makes sure they're not overheard; then says with passion: ZANGLER Tessie, I love you. TESS Bela -! ZANGLER Vhat do you say ve have intimate supper? TESS I'm not hungry. ZANGLER Tessie, please! You make me crazy! TESS And how is Mrs. Zangler? ZANGLER I am sorry to say, she is in excellent health. (TESS walks away.) ZANGLER Tessie! (By this time the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the stage in a line, past ZANGLER.) MITZI Vacation! FOLLIES GIRLS Goodnight, Mr. Zangler. Goodnight, Mr. Zangler. Goodnight, Mr. Zangler. (And at the end of the line is BOBBY.) BOBBY Hi, Mr. Zangler. ZANGLER Not you again. BOBBY I'm here to audition. ZANGLER Not now!
(ZANGLER starts to leave. By this time, BOBBY and ZANGLER are alone onstage.) BOBBY Mr. Zangler! You don't understand. When I go to your office, they throw me out. (Music fades out.) ZANGLER Good. I give them a raise. BOBBY Would you wait a second! ZANGLER Mr. Child. Vhy are you vesting my time?! BOBBY (indicating the theater around him:) Because this is my life! It's all I care about! (BOBBY'S conviction makes even ZANGLER pause.) Now look, you're going to love this. I promise. Just - just - okay. Okay? ZANGLER :Okay. BOBBY Would you hold this? Thanks. (He hands ZANGLER his coat and hat.) Here goes. (BOBBY takes a breath - then launches into his audition, dancing as he sings:) 1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You BOBBY Let me give you the low down: (Orchestra accompaniment picks up again under vocal.) I'm k-ra-zy for you. When it comes to a show down I'm k-ra-zy for you. And so though love may not inspire my lingo Still it's making my heart go Let me give you the low down I'm k-ra-zy for -
(Music out.) Hold on for the big finish! ZANGLER (bored and annoyed:) I'm holding, I'm holding. (BOBBY does an elaborate tap routine. Halfway through it, ZANGLER pointedly looks at his watch. BOBBY finishes the routine with a slam, literally nose-to-nose with ZANGLER. Orchestra short chord at finish of BOBBY's routine, then music out.) BOBBY Now what do you say to that?! ZANGLER Foot BOBBY Huh? ZANGLER Foot:You are standing on my foot! BOBBY Oh, sorry: ZANGLER You are a moron! (He starts to exit.) BOBBY Mr. Zangler! : Look, I-I-I realize I'm an unknown, here in New York. But I have potential! ZANGLER Ya. You could be unknown all over America! (ZANGLER strides off, and BOBBY runs after him. As they exit, music picks up again for scene change as the set changes. Scene change music fades out as GIRLS enter.) Scene Two Street in front of the Zangler Theater, five minutes later. As the lights come up, BOBBY and some of the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the stage door in their street clothes. Also on the street is IRENE ROTH, dressed in fur, waiting for BOBBY. TESS Hey, Bobby. Just forget about him.
PATSY Cheer up! He's not worth it. BOBBY Who knew he had big feet! IRENE Hello, Bobby. BOBBY (Without turning, recognizing the steely voice:) Irene. Hi: IRENE Say good-night to the ladies, Bobby. BOBBY Now wait a second - ! PATSY We'll see ya later. TESS We've gotta go anyway. 'Night, Bobby. THE GIRLS Good-night, Bobby. God night. (etc.) (And the GIRLS are gone.) IRENE Bobby, it is time you gave up all this dancing nonsense and settled down! BOBBY Nonsense -?! IRENE We have been engaged for five years. Now when are we getting married?! BOBBY We're not. IRENE Of course we are. BOBBY Oh no we're not. IRENE Don't be ridiculous. I have the wedding all planned. The guest list is up to nine hundred.
BOBBY Great. Big crowd. You won't even miss me. (At this moment, ZANGLER exits from the stage door with two of his lackeys. Simultaneously, a limousine starts to enter.) ZANGLER Ve start next veek BOBBY Mr. Zangler! I'm sorry about your foot -! (ZANGLER turns to BOBBY - and almost gets run down by the limousine.) ZANGLER Moron! (IRENE pulls OBBY away, and ZANGLER exits down the street. The limousine pulls up, the CHAUFFEUR opens the back door, and BOBBY'S MOTHER gets out, followed by PERKINS, her assistant. BOBBY and IRENE don't see them.) IRENE Now I want you to promise me: from the day we're married, you will work in the bank. BOBBY But I don't want to work in the bank! That's my mother's idea! I mean that's the trouble. Nobody in the theater takes me seriously! Well if my mother was here right now, you know what I'd say to her? Huh?! I'd say: "MOTHER!!" MOTHER Yes, Bobby? BOBBY My God, you look well. That coat is just MOTHER I knew I'd find you here. IRENE Lottie, dear, I am talking to Bobby. MOTHER Well, so am I! IRENE Then get in line! MOTHER
Bobby, in the ten years since you left Harvard, you have accomplished nothing. IRENE He got engaged to me. MOTHER (to BOBBY) You have accomplished less than nothing. Now the Board of Directors and I have decided to give you one last chance. If you fail the bank this time, I will cut off your allowance. IRENE When he's married to me, he won't need an allowance. MOTHER No, he'll need a psychiatrist. (To Bobby:) Now this is a deed of property. PERKINS We'd like it signed. BOBBY Fine! Do you have a pen? MOTHER Not by you, you idiot! By some other idiot who lives in: (Consulting the document.) Deadrock, Nevada. I want you to go there immediately and get him to sign it. BOBBY Nevada?! PERKINS It will save the bank quite a sum in foreclosure costs. BOBBY But who cares?! I want to dance. I don't care about money. (MOTHER gasps and clutches her heart. PERKINS catches her.) BOBBY I'm sorry, Mother, I'm sorry: IRENE He will go to Nevada over my dead body! MOTHER That sounds like an excellent route. :Bobby, get in the car! MOTHER IRENE I will cut off your Darling, don't even listen
allowance if you do not go to her. I've got the to Nevada, first thing wedding all planned. You'll tomorrow morning! Now I wear a morning coat and I'll don't want to hear any go strapless. It's all the nonsense about it -! rage (During the argument PERKINS and CHAUFFEUR cross upstage and unobtrusively make their exit. BOBBY tunes the argument out, music intro. Starts, their voices fade away, and BOBBY sings:) 2. I Can't Be Bothered Now BOBBY Bad news go 'way! Call 'round some day In March or May I can't be bothered now. My bonds and shares May fall downstairs Who cares, who cares? I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now! (MOTHER pulls BOBBY into the car, and IRENE follows them.) MOTHER IRENE If you do not listen to me, I have gone out of my way young man, you will find To give your feelings every yourself without an Possible consideration allowance (In his dream fantasy, BOBBY rises out of the car and ends up dancing on the roof.) BOBBY I'm up among the stars; On earthly things I frown I'm throwing off the bars That held me down. I'll pay the piper When times are riper. Just now I shan't Because you see I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now! (Dance break. BOBBY raises the hood of the car and a FOLLIES GIRL jumps out. He dances with her. Then the rest of the FOLLIES GIRLS emerge from the car, as they enter dancing and singing, they ad lib., "Hi, Bobby," etc.) BOBBY Music is the magic that makes everything sunshiny Dancing makes my troubles all seem tiny.
When I m dancing I don't care if this old world stops turning, Or if my bank is burning, Or even if Rumania Wants to fight Albania! I'm not upset, I refuse to fret. THE GIRLS He's not upset (Telephone rings.) BOBBY Oh, no! THE GIRLS And he'll refuse to fret. Hello! BOBBY That's for me?! (GIRLS babble.) ONE GIRL (to BOBBY:) It's for you! BOBBY Take a message! THE GIRLS Bad news go Call 'round In March or He can't be
'way! some day May bothered now.
BOBBY (shouted:) I can't be bothered now! (Dance break.) THE GIRLS He's dancing watch him shine, You'll have to hold the Iine (Dance break.) GIRLS A GIRLS B He'll pay the piper He'll pay the piper When times are riper. When times are riper. Just now, he shan't When times are riper. He'll pay the piper Just now, he shan't Just now, he shan't -
BOBBY Because you see I'm dancing... (Telephone rings.) Because you see I'm dancing... (Telephone rings.) Because you see I'm dancing... THE GIRLS (Chanted:) Bad news, go away Call 'round someday In March or May Who cares about his shares That fall downstairs Who cares, who cares? Who cares, who cares? He can't be bothered Won't be bothered Shan't be bothered Can't be bothered now Not now! Not now! He can't be bothered... (Tap break.) Now! Goodbye!! (Music segues on applause.) 2. (cont'd)
PLAYOFF: Bothered - Orchestra
(As the number ends, PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR re-enter and wait beside the car. The GIRLS dance back into the car, and BOBBY sinks back in through the roof. Then BOBY, MOTHER and IRENE immediately emerge from the car.) MOTHER IRENE Bobby, I want you to go to She's completely insane! Nevada at once and forget all I've got the colors This marriage nonsense! picked out for the wedding and they're blue and white! IRENE So which is it, Bobby? Me or Deadrock? (BOBBY looks at MOTHER, then back at IRENE.) BOBBY (undecided:) Oh boy:
(Frustrated, he snatches the deed of property from MOTHER and runs down the street.) BOBBY TAXI!! (Music starts.) Grand Central Station!! 2a.
SCENE CHANGE: After Bothered - Orchestra
(MOTHER smiles, IRENE scowls and exits. As the lights fade, PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR get into the car, and the limo drives off - without MOTHER - and she chases it down the street.) Scene Three Main Street, Deadrock, morning. A sleepy little Western town in the middle of nowhere. Along the street, there are two adjoining buildings of particular interest. The sign on one says: "Saloon, Hotel and Restaurant." The other building is a former theater, once quite grand, now gone to seed. Above the entrance is a sign that says: "Gaiety Theater" - but there's another sign below it that says "U.S. Post Office." Across the street is the General Store. At the end of the street, we see the desert stretching into the distance. 3. Bidin' My Time As the set falls into place around them, THREE COWBOYS 1930's style - and POLLY BAKER enter on the back of an old pickup truck singing the laziest song imaginable. Also onstage are several other COWBOYS sitting around doing nothing (as usual.) Sitting on the porch of the theater is EVERETT BAKER, a gentle, befuddled man in his 60s, reading a yellowing copy of "Variety." As the truck enters Deadrock, it runs over a rattlesnake. During the following the dead snake, rattles its tail, crosses himself and mourns the loss of his favorite pet. MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM I'm bidin' my time, 'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm. While other folks grow dizzy I keep busy Bidin' my time (OTHER MEN join singing, on melody, with the trio, as they enter.) Next year, next year, I'll just keep on nappin' This year, this year,
I'll just keep on nappin' POLLY Mail call! MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM And bidin' my time, 'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm. There's no regrettin' When I'm settin' Bidin' my time. POLLY (interrupting the last note of men's vocal:) Hey! Mail call! Come and get it! SAM Heck, Polly, I never get any mail. POLLY Oh, Sam, you got a letter just last month. PETE No kiddin'! What'd it say? SAM I don't know. I didn't have the energy to read it. POLLY Hey! Look at this! There's a letter here, for my dad, from New York City! PETE Hey Everett! JIMMY Ya got a letter! BILLY From New York City! EVERETT Oh. Well. Now isn't that exciting. MOOSE Can I have the stamp, Polly? For my collection? POLLY (She tears off the stamp and hands it to Moose, having already taken the letter out.) Hey, Moose. I didn't know you had a stamp collection. MOOSE(Showing Everett proudly.) Oh, boy. Number two!
POLLY (Reading the letter.) It's from that stinkin' bank again. EVERETT Oh, dear. POLLY This time they want to take our theater! EVERETT (to the BOYS:) I'm afraid we're a little behind on the mortgage. POLLY It says here, if we don't pay 'em a ton of money by the end of this month, they're gonna own it, lock, stock and barrel! (The BOYS groan.) EVERETT Oh, Polly, I wish you could have seen your mother on that stage. POLLY I bet she was really somethin', Dad. EVERETT She was never more radiant than when she stood there behind those footlights, singing her heart out to a house-full of drunken gold miners. (He potters sadly away, into the saloon.) WYATT Poor old guy. POLLY (Scanning the letter:) Just look at this! They're sendin' some banker out here to put the knife in. Name of : Bobby Child! If I ever meet up with that skunk, I'll : Oh, I don't know what I'll do! But it's gonna be ugly!! (She exits angrily into the theater.) BILLY I never seen her that mad before. JUNIOR Talk about an excitin' day. 3a.
INCIDENTAL: Bobby Staggers In - Orchestra
(Lazily, they start to lope away - when BOBBY staggers into view from the desert, carrying his suitcases. He's pouring with sweat, dizzy from the sun and can barely walk.)
BOBBY Water : water : (He makes it part way down the street and drops to the ground in a dead faint. Music out. The COWBOYS look at him.) JIMMY I guess the train arrived. CUSTUS (to BOBBY:) It's only an hour's walk from the junction! (They shake their heads and lope away - as EVERETT emerges from the saloon, fleeing from LANK HAWKINS. LANK is an intense, usually manic fellow, blessed with a vision that no one else quite shares.) EVERETT No no no no. I can't let you have the theater, Lank. LANK I don't want you to "let me have it." I want to buy it! EVERETT Oh I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage, standing there behind the footlights : LANK Would you stop blathering, you pig-headed fool! (POLLY instantly appears on the balcony.) POLLY Lank Hawkins! Don't you dare talk to my father that way! LANK (to POLLY:) Okay! Okay: (He throws her a kiss and she exits; to EVERETT:) Look. I'll make it simple. I : own : the saloon. EVERETT I know that. LANK Good. Now being a man of vision, I would like to expand the saloon in the direction of your theater, which, if you'll recall, was turned into a post office twenty years ago. EVERETT How I'd love to see a show I that theater again: LANK
Everett, it's not going to happen! In two thousand years, there has been one resurrection, and it wasn't a theater!! (LANK calms himself:) Think of it, Everett. This could be a big town again! Shops and cafes! Sidewalks! We could have another:.Cleveland on our hands! EVERETT But it's such a nice town as it is: LANK Would you look around, for God's sake! Come here! Look! (Taking EVERETT on a tour of the street,) We have a town full of singing cadavers! (Kicking BOBBY with his toe,) We have bodies lying in the street! (Poking EVERETT in the chest.) We are the armpit of the American West!! (POLLY storms out of the front of the theater. The moment she appears, BOBBY'S head goes up. He's transfixed. He can't take his eyes off her.) POLLY You listen to me, Lank Hawkins! If you ever yell at my father again, I'm gonna skin you alive, you hear me -!! LANK POLLY If he doesn't sell it to He is my father and it is time me, the bank is going to you showed him a little take it anyway! respect! (They freeze. Again, BOBBY is in his own world. Staring at POLLY in a cloud of adoration, he sings:) 4. Things Are Looking Up BOBBY Things are looking up! I've been looking the landscape over And it's covered with four leaf clover, Oh things are looking up Since love looked up at me. LANK POLLY Polly, you know how I feel And he ain't gonna sell about you! ya his theater if he don't want to! (Freeze.) BOBBY Bitter was my cup, But no more will I be the mourner,
For I've certainly turned the corner. Oh things are looking up Since love looked up at me. LANK I have asked you to marry me fifteen times. POLLY So ask somebody else. LANK There is no one else. You're the only woman within fifty miles! (POLLY turns to him, murderously.) EVERETT (seeing what's coming:) Polly: (POLLY kicks LANK in the shin. He screams.) POLLY Come on, Dad. I've got to wash up. (POLLY and EVERETT exit into the theater. LANK limps away into the saloon. BOBBY has been watching Polly's every movement.) BOBBY "Polly." "Polly!" (Like Cortez first seeing the Pacific Ocean:) My God, that's a wonderful name!! BOBBY (The music swells.) See the sunbeams! Every one beams Just because of you. Love's in session And my depression Is unmistakably through. (As the song continues, BOBBY gets dizzy again, and the COWBOYS pick him up and carry him into the saloon. Meanwhile, the set is changing.) BOBBY Thank you. BOBBY Things are looking up! It's a great little world we live in! Oh I'm happy as a pup
Since love looked up Oh I'm happy as a pup Since love looked up at me!! (NOTE: Last word of song is an elision with first note of next musical number.) Scene Four Inside Lank's Saloon. It includes a reception desk, a bar, a player-piano (apparently being played by JUNIOR), and a card table. A flight of stairs leads up to a balcony, where there are doors to two guest rooms and a door to the corridor. TWO CARD PLAYERS - WYATT and BILLY - are at the table playing poker. As the COWBOYS carry BOBBY into the saloon, the piano is playing, and LANK is coming down the stairs. 4a.
INCIDENTAL: After Things (Piano solo)
LANK Would you turn that thing off! (JUNIOR kicks the piano and it stops playing. A cuckoo clock above the reception desk sounds off complete with a bird that comes out of a little door in the front: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" At this moment, and argument starts up between the two CARD PLAYERS.) WYATT Hold it right there, mister. I saw ya take that ace from your sleeve. BILLY I'm afraid you need some glasses, ya dumb cuss. (BILLY stands up, kicking his chair away; and they square off for a gunfight. They draw like lightning, but WYATT is faster. He shoots BILLY in the stomach. BLAM! BILLY falls dead on the floor. BOBBY watches all this in shock, his mouth open. A beat, then:) LANK Rubbish. Complete rubbish. BILLY (From the floor, then standing up.) Aw, come on, Lank. I thought it was pretty good that time. BOBBY (confused:) What's going on? BILLY
Famous Gunfights of the Old West. JUNIOR It's Lank's idea, to bring in the tourists. PETE That there was Wyatt Earp meets Billy the Kid. BOBBY But they could have hurt each other. WYATT Are you kiddin', mister? These her is blanks. Hey, Lank! (LANK turns - and WYATT shoots straight at his chest. BLAM! BLAM! Then WYATT turns the gun toward the wall and lets fly another - BLAM! - and a jug on the wall explodes, hitting a pair of antlers, which hits the piano - which starts playing. JUNIOR kicks it and it stops. A beat, then LANK walks up to WYATT and puts out his hand.) WYATT (Surrendering his gun to Lank.) Sorry, lank. LANK No wonder this country is in a depression. (LANK walks away. As he goes, the Cuckoo Clock sounds off again: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" Startled, LANK shoots the clock, which instantly explodes, leaving the bird dangling on a wire from the shards of its house. LANK utters a cry of despair, then continues off through a door behind the reception desk. The moment he leaves, POLLY enters.) POLLY Where's Lank? JUNIOR He's out back. POLLY (Seeing BOBBY for the first time.) :Who the hell is he? JUNIOR He sorta crawled into town this afternoon. BOBBY How do you do? (BOBBY stands up to introduce himself - and promptly falls to the ground.) JUNIOR He's still kinda shaky.
POLLY Well, walk him around. Get under him! (JUNIOR tries.) Oh, here, I'll do it! (She puts BOBBY'S arm around her neck and starts to walk him around the saloon. His legs are like jelly.) POLLY Come on, Sunshine. This way. Now you're getting' it. Just keep them feet moving' : (etc. ad lib.) (She walks him some more - and as they make a turn, BOBBY finds his face only inches from POLLY's. Without warning, he kisses her on the lips. For a moment she's stunned then she pushes him roughly away.) POLLY What the hell'd ya do that for?!! BOBBY I don't know. POLLY :Well, don't do it again. BOBBY Right. (She stares at him for a beat, then heads for the bar.) POLLY Hey, Harry, get me a drink so I can clean my lips! (HARRY, the bartender, slides a bottle down the length of the bar, Western-style, and POLLY catches it easily. She takes a slug and moseys away. BOBBY is impressed. Imitating her, he walks to the bar.) BOBBY (Tough guy; to HARRY:) Make that two. (HARRY slides a bottle to BOBBY, who puts out his hand and misses. The bottle slides off the end of the bar and crashes.) BOBBY :I'll have another. (Same routine. BOBBY misses again and the bottle crashes.) BOBBY :.One for the road.
(As HARRY slams a bottle onto the bar, BOBBY jumps on the bar and grabs it.) POLLY You ain't from around here, are ya? (BOBBY, still showing off, slides off the bar and drinks from the bottle. For a second, he doesn't react. Then he stares at the bottle in shock.) BOBBY (Hardly able to speak - a squeak:) :That's a little strong: POLLY Strong? We got thirty-year-old cows who pass water stronger'n this stuff. BOBBY My God, you're beautiful. You're like the Venus de Milo! :Except for your arms. (POLLY is suddenly conscious of her arms and puts them behind her back.) I-I-I mean, you have arms: POLLY : Mister, it's been real nice talking' to ya. BOBBY Don't go! POLLY Maybe I'll see ya again some time. In a rocket ship or somethin'. 5. Could You Use Me? BOBBY Have some pity on an Easterner; Show a little sympathy. No one possibly could be sterner Than you have been with me. There's a job that I'm applying for Let me put it to you thus: It's a partnership I'm dying for Mr. and Mrs. Us. Before you file it on the shelf Let me tell you of myself: (By this time, he's got her to the table.) Oh, I'm the chappie
To make you happy; I'll tie your shoes-ies And chase your blues-ies; Oh, lady would you Oh, tell me, could you use me? POLLY No night Iife for you; The birds would bore you; The cows won't know you; A horse would throw you; You silly man, you, To ask me, "Can you use me?" BOBBY Do you realize what a good man You're getting in me? I'm no Elk or Mason or Woodman Who gets home at three. POLLY Your ties are freakish; Your knees are weakish; Go back to flappers And high-balI lappers. Though you can use me I most certainly can't use you! (BOBBY pursues POLLY around the saloon, then out into the street. Last word of song is an elision with first note of next musical number.) Scene Five Main Street & Desert, Deadrock, Nevada. The song is continuous. During the song - and dance - evening falls. 5 (cont'd). Shall We Dance? BOBBY Drop that long face! Come on, have your fling! Why keep nursing the blues? If you want this old world on a string, Put on your dancing shoes Stop wasting time! Put on your dancing shoes Watch your spirits climb. Shall we Shall we Shall we Or shall
dance, or keep on moping? dance, and walk on air? give into despair we dance with never a care?
Life is short; we're growing older. Don't you be an also-ran. You'd better dance, little lady! Dance, little man! Dance whenever you can! (At first, POLLY's a reluctant partner; she just won't dance with him. But soon she starts enjoying herself, and BOBBY and POLLY begin whirling through the street - then the desert - like Fred and Ginger. In the course of the number, POLLY falls deeply in love with him. Towards the end of the number BOBBY kisses a now-willing POLLY.) BOBBY :WOW!! (The dance ends, and we go to blackout.) 5a.
SCENE CHANGE: Shall We Dance? - Music Box
(Music fades out under opening dialogue of next scene.) Scene Six Stage of the Gaiety Theater, continuous. The scene begins in total darkness. Out of the void, we hear BOBBY's voice. BOBBY'S VOICE Polly? :Polly?! :. OW! (He's bumped into something.) Polly, where are you?!! (Suddenly, the lights come up. POLLY is at the side of the stage, having just turned the lights on, and we see the theater for the first time. It's a masterpiece of Victoriana, covered with dust and in a woeful state of disrepair. On the stage are a few old props and flats and a trunk of costumes. BOBBY looks around, dumbfounded.) BOBBY Oh, my God, just look at this place! POLLY (proudly:) It's somethin', huh? BOBBY It's incredible! POLLY When I was a little thing, I'd watch all the big shows. The lights, the music: BOBBY
I've never seen anything like it. What's it doing in Deadrock? POLLY This here was a pretty big town about fifty years ago. Then the mines ran out and most people just kinda got up and left. BOBBY (finding parts of costumes in the trunk) Look at this stuff! Oh, my God! You can't let the bank take this place! POLLY How do you know about it? BOBBY Well, I-I-I couldn't help overhearing on the street, and : (Pause. BOBBY suddenly has a revelation He looks around the theater, then says quietly:) BOBBY Wait a second. I've got an idea! POLLY About what?! BOBBY (pulling on a costume jacket and grabbing a fedora.) I know what to do! POLLY What the hell are you talkin' about?! BOBBY It's simple! All we have to do to save this place is just : put on a show. Here in the theater. That'll raise all the money you need to pay off the mortgage! POLLY : Just put on a show? BOBBY Right. POLLY In here? BOBBY Right! POLLY Is everybody this stupid back East, or are you just special?
BOBBY Well, why not?! Don't you ever go to the movies? Mickey Rooney does it all the time! : Look. The guys in the bar can sing, I heard them! And-and-and I could bring dancers, from Zangler's Follies! They're my friends! They'd come in a second! They're on vacation! POLLY (suddenly excited:) : Ya mean Bela Zangler?! BOBBY Yeah. POLLY Dad's talked about him! Do you know him?! BOBBY Do I know him. Are you kidding? We're like.. (Putting the index fingers of his hands together, then pulling them apart) this. POLLY D'ya think he'd come out here and put on a show?! I mean, if ya asked him?! BOBBY (Nodding his head yes) :No. (POLLY turns away, disappointed.) But we don't need him! I can do it, I promise! (No answer.) Polly, please. Let me try it. I could accomplish something. And this theater, just imagine, giving it a whole new life! POLLY :I guess we can try it. (BOBBY shouts with joy.) BOBBY I'll call the girls first thing in the morning! Hey! Watch this! (He does a tap flourish - the same one he did for Zangler and ends up with a slam literally nose-to-nose with Polly.) POLLY (in pain:) :You're standin' on my foot. BOBBY
I'm sorry! Darn! POLLY That's okay. It sure is nice of you to help like this. I mean, we hardly know each other. (Extending her hand.) I'm Polly Baker. BOBBY I'm bobby Child. (A beat, then POLLY suddenly goes pale.) POLLY What? BOBBY Bobby Child. POLLY From New York City? BOBBY Right. (SLAP! POLLY slaps BOBBY across the face, sending him reeling backward.) BOBBY What did I do? POLLY You're from that bank! BOBBY Yeah. Well, I can explain that POLLY You're here to take our theater, ain't ya? This is a trick! BOBBY No, it's not! POLLY How could ya do this to me?! BOBBY Polly, you're wrong POLLY You and your singin' and your dancin' and your : Bela Zanglers! BOBBY
I can save this theater! POLLY (deeply hurt, her eyes full of tears:) Just GO AWAY!! POLLY (She hurries to the wings; turns and says quietly:) And don't you ever let me catch you talkin' to me again. (She hurries off.) BOBBY Polly - ! (She's gone. BOBBY wanders across the stage, his dreams shattered. He says to himself:) "You and your singing and your dancing and your:" (Music for next number begins with an underscore, a sad strain of "Things Are Looking Up." Suddenly, BOBBY looks up. He has an idea. Could it really work?) BOBBY (to himself:) : Bela Zangler. (He looks around the theater :) Bela Zangler!! (Using Zangler's accent and striking a pos with a cane.) "Vell, vell, vell. Girls! It is time ve pay visit to Deadrock, Nevada, ya?! (Blackout, followed by the sound of a train gaining speed, then the vamping beat of the GIRLS' arrival in Deadrock.) Scene Seven Main street, Deadrock, three days later, morning. As the dawn is breaking, THE FOLLIES GIRLS enter from the desert (in silhouette) to the hot, jazzy rhythm of "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise." Windows and doors fly open, as THE COWBOYS come out to see what's happening - and join in the number. By the end of the number, all the COWBOYS are on the street. POLLY and LANK have also entered. 6. Girls Enter Nevada (Bronco Busters) THE FOLLIES GIRLS It's wonderful to breeze around, They seem to have real trees around, And of the open spaces there's no doubt No doubt! No doubt! This is the life that Riley told about. In town we used to fret away
Until we made our getaway Out here where there's no doubt that men are men, Where men are men! We don't care if we don't go east again. We haven't missed old Broadway or the white lights When the moon at night lights That's the best of bright lights. TESS All right, girls. Let's show 'em how we do it. (Dance break - to "K-ra-zy For You.") THE BOYS THE FOLLIES GIRLS In town they used to fret away In-townUntil they made their getaway we-didOut here where there's no fretDoubt that men are men, away Where men are men! In town we used to fret away They don't care if they Until we made our getaway Don't go east again. We don't care if we don't go east again (The music segues back into "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise," as BOBBY - masquerading as BELA ZANGLER - makes his entrance. He has Zangler's clothes, beard, moustache, and accent. He carries a cane ad smokes a cigar. He doesn't have the same confidence, though; and during the number, he confers hurriedly with TESS and PATSY to make sure that he looks all right. By the end of the number, he's ready to start - and climbs to the top of a stairway made of the GIRLS' suitcases.) ALL OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO AH! BOBBY Good morning, good morning, good morning. Dis is Deadrock, Nevada, ya? THE COWBOYS YA! BOBBY Excellent. I am looking, please, for a Miss Polly Baker. POLLY I'm Polly Baker! What's goin' on?! BOBBY Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Bela Zangler. POLLY (IN SHOCK)
: Get outta here! Are you really :Bela Zangler? I mean, what are you doin' here? BOBBY I am saving theater! LANK What?! BOBBY I am getting a call three days ago from very good friend of mine. Bobby Child. (Confidentially:) By the vay, he is a vonderful boy. You should get to know him. POLLY He did say you were friends. BOBBY Friends? Ve are like (Puts his index fingers together, then pulls them apart.) this! POLLY That's just what he said! BOBBY I'm not surprised. So. Vhen do ve start? Ve have a show to put on, ya? THE COWBOYS YA! LANK I don't believe one word of this. BOBBY Vhich vord is that? LANK Something smells fishy to me. JIMMY I think it's Moose. (Everyone looks at MOOSE, who checks his underarms, then nods his head "yes." At this moment, EVERETT comes out of the theater, suspecting nothing. He sees BOBBY and stops dead.) EVERETT Oh, my goodness!
(Going up to him.) Mr. : Zangler? BOBBY You know me :? EVERETT I've seen your picture in Variety a hundred times! What are you doing here?! POLLY He came to help, so we can pay the bank. EVERETT This is miraculous! LANK This is ridiculous! POLLY Lank! BOBBY I am insulted! (A gasp from the crowd.) Do you vant me to put on show or not? I am busy man! EVERYONE Of course we do! Don't listen to him! You must do it! (etc.) BOBBY (cutting them off abruptly:) YOP! : Okay. I do it. EVERYONE That's wonderful! This is thrilling! (etc.) BOBBY (cutting them off abruptly:) YOP! : Girls! To vork! (He points to the theater and THE GIRLS head inside.) THE GIRLS Yes, Mr. Zangler. Of course, Mr. Zangler. PATSY (aloud to BOBBY as she passes him:) Bobby! (He tries to shush her.) You're doin' a wonderful job! You're so life-like! (BOBBY rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, LANK pulls out his gun, walks up to BOBBY, and pushes it under his nose.)
LANK Mister. Do you see this gun? BOBBY Ya? LANK It tends to have a mind of its own. (BOBBY looks at the gun; then at LANK.) BOBBY Vun out of two ain't bad. LANK That isn't funny! POLLY Lank! LANK Mister, I want you out of this town in twenty-four hours! (He exits.) EVERETT (to BOBBY:) How I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage. Standing there behind the footlights: POLLY Mr. Zangler? If you really can save this place, I:well, I guess I'm gonna be mighty grateful. (She shakes his hand.) BOBBY :Let's hope so, ya? (BOBBY kisses the back of her hand, European style, then turns to the boys.) BOBBY So. Who vould like to audition? (No response.) To be in show. (No response.) :to vork with girls. COWBOYS (erupting immediately:) Yes sir! O-kay! Now you're talkin'! (THE COWBOYS race into the theater, whooping and hollering. BOBBY exits with them. EVERETT hangs back for a word with POLLY.)
EVERETT Now that's the kind of man you should marry. POLLY Dad, would ya cut it out! :When I'm ready to get married, I'll let ya know. EVERETT By that time, you'll have to contact me through a medium. (EVERETT exits into the theater. POLLY is alone on the street. It's quiet now. She looks around, and suddenly feels lonely.) 7. Someone to Watch Over Me POLLY There's a saying old Says that love is blind Still we're often told, "Seek and ye shall find." So I'm going to seek A certain lad I've had in mind. Looking everywhere, Haven't found him yet; He's the big affair I cannot forget. Only man I ever think of with regret. I'd like to add his initials to my monogram. Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb. There's a somebody I'm longing to see I hope that he turns out to be Someone who'll watch over me. I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood. I know I could always be good To one who'll watch over me. Although he may not be the man some Girls think of as handsome To my heart he carries the key. Won't you tell him please to put on some speed -? Follow my lead Oh! How I need Someone to watch over me. Someone to watch over me. (The music seques to the next number.) Scene Eight
Lobby of the Gaiety Theater, two weeks later, mid-morning. There's a door to the street, and double doors at the back leading into the auditorium. To one side, there's a ticket counter, now used for the post office. Behind it is a telephone switchboard. As the set moves into place and the lights come up, various GIRLS and COWBOYS carry a bass fiddle into the theater. Some of the GIRLS stay in the lobby and start dusting and painting. There is a general refurbishment going on. 8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass Meanwhile, the COWBOY TRIO is rehearsing with PATSY, who's teaching them a dance step. MINGO is dancing with SAM, and MOOSE is dancing with PATSY. It isn't going too well. [NOTE: This scene can be played at the top of Scene Nine, in which case the action moves continuously from the end of this scene into the beginning of what is designated as Scene Nine.)] PATSY Step, Step, Step,
& THE zoom, zoom, zoom,
TRIO step, step, step, step, step, step -
(PATSY, exasperated, finally yells, "NO----!" Music and dancing stop TESS looks at the "rehearsal." It's unbearably awful.) TESS Well, that looks terr:.ific. PATSY Thanks. TESS Maybe you'd better work on the Act One finale. PATSY Right. TESS I'll go help Zangler with the rehearsal. (TESS exits into the theater, still amazed at the BOYS' clumsiness.) PATSY Okay, fellas. Smile! (They turn on big smiles; PATSY calls out her instructions:) Now:
Hands out, hands together, hands on head. Hands out, hands together, hands on hips. Hands out, hands together, hands on chest. (The COWBOYS put their hands on PATSY's chest.) PATSY Not my chest. Your chest! THE BOYS Right. Right. Let's try it again! One more time! PATSY One more time: (She takes a giant step backwards - and is about to start again, when POLLY enters from the street. Simultaneously the phone starts ringing.) THE BOYS 'Morning', Polly. POLLY Don't forget, rehearsal in ten minutes! MINGO Another rehearsal? Heck, I've been ready for a whole week! (PATSY and THE BOYS exit to the theater.) POLLY (plugging into a phone line at the switchboard.) Gaiety Theater and U.S. Post office. The show opens tomorrow night at eight o'clock. Just get off at the junction, then it's about an hour's walk. :.Hello? :.Hello?! (LANK enters, as POLLY disconnects and goes to work, putting up a poster.) LANK Well, well, well. The busy bee is hard at work. POLLY Lank, this here's a theater and a post office. You can buy a ticket or a stamp. Otherwise, go back to your saloon. LANK Polly, you are wasting your time! The show is doomed. Do you honestly think that anyone is going to pay good money to see a bunch of singing numbskulls? (He opens the doors to the auditorium, and we hear the awful rehearsal continuing: "Hands out, hands together, hands on head:" As he closes the door, PETE enters from the street.)
PETE 'Mornin', Polly. POLLY 'Mornin', Pete. LANK Now what does this man know about the theater? Hmm? POLLY Lay off him, Lank. LANK (putting his arm around PETE) Perhaps you would tell us, sir, your views of the contemporary American stage. PETE :Heck, I dunno. LANK "Heck, I don't know." I'd say that's fairly trenchant. PETE I s'pose you could say that : Eugene O'Neill is just beginnin' to explore the symbolism o Greek tragedy. (A beat, then:) O' course, the realism of Anton Chekhov is still a pretty important influence. (A beat, then:) And then there's Stanislavsky LANK (putting his hand over Pete's mouth) Thank you! (POLLY, pleased with herself, heads for the street.) POLLY 'Bye, Lank. LANK Polly, get back here - ! :.POLLY!! (She's gone.) PETE Headstrong, ain't she? (A beat, then:) Kind reminds me of that gal in King Lear: (LANK makes a lunge for PETE, who escapes into the theater.) LANK (pulling out his gun) I'll stop this show if it's the last thing I ever do!
(At which point, the lobby opens out into the stage of the theater, and LANK is engulfed by waltzing COWBOYS.)
Scene Nine Stage of the Gaiety Theater, continuous. The FOLLIES GIRLS are busy refurbishing the theater - repainting the proscenium, climbing ladders, hanging lights, etc. Meanwhile, BOBBY (as ZANGLER) is teaching the COWBOYS a dance routine. 8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down, Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down, Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down, And one two three four five six (The COWBOYS are dancing with each other, and none of them is exactly Fred Astaire. MOOSE, in particular, is a truly terrible dancer. As the rehearsal deteriorates, and the noise of the repairs gets worse and worse, BOBBY can't take it any longer.) BOBBY Vould you stop already! STOP!! (Silence.) I never seen such a mess! (To MOOSE:) You Nijinski. Come over here. MOOSE (Going to BOBBY) The name is Moose. BOBBY Okay, Moose. I got good news and bad news. MOOSE Oh yeah? What's the bad news? BOBBY You vill not be dancing in this number. MOOSE Oh. What's the good news? BOBBY You vill not be dancing in this number.
MOOSE (Down-hearted:) Okay. (EVERYONE moans for MOOSE.) BOBBY Vait, vait, vait! (He looks around and spots a bass fiddle, which MITZI is polishing.) Hold your horse, I got idea. Come here, big fella. You play with this. (He takes the bass, hands it to MOOSE and walks away. MOOSE puts the bass on his knee and strums it like a guitar and starts singing "Bidin' My Time" with some of the other cowboys.) BOBBY No no no! (He takes the bass.) Here. You vatch me. Like this. (He plucks out a rhythm, and hands it back to Moose.) Now you try it. You're gonna be Jascha Heifetz of the Old Vest. 9. Slap That Bass (BOBBY walks away:and MOOSE starts to play, getting better and better, soon ably plucking out the same jazzy rhythm that BOBBY just played. BOBBY looks at him with surprise. He has an idea. He then looks at TESS and PATSY, who have the same idea. Based on the rhythm being plucked by MOOSE, BOBBY teaches the BOYS a number - "Slap That Bass." During the number, the BOYS progress from sheer klutziness to a surprising level of accomplishment and enthusiasm - all thanks to BOBBY. The GIRLS join in. POLLY wanders through the number, carrying a costume that needs sewing, then watches the rest of it from a perch on a ladder. During the number, we see her watching BOBBY/ZANGLER with admiration.) BOBBY (as ZANGLER) Zoom - zoom, zoom - zoom, The world is in a mess. With politics and taxes And people grinding axes, There's no happiness Zoom - zoom, zoom - zoom, Rhythm lead your ace! The future doesn't fret me If I can only get me Someone to slap that bass
PETE Happiness is not a riddle When I'm listening to that big bass fiddle. BOBBY Slap that bass PATSY Slap it till it's dizzy. BOBBY Slap that bass TESS Keep the rhythm busy. TESS & PATSY Zoom, zoom, zoom Misery - You got to go. BOBBY Slap that bass TESS, PATSY, WYATT & JIMMY Use it like a tonic. BOBBY Slap that bass THE COMPANY Keep your Philharmonic. Zoom, zoom, zoom And the milk and honey will flow! SAM & MINGO Dictators would be better off If they zoom-zoomed now and then; GIRLS Zoom, Zoom, Zoom! PETE Today you can see that the happiest of men GIRLS Oh! THE COMPANY All got rhythm. TESS & PATSY BOYS In which case, BOOM - BOOM, BOOM If you want to bubble - BOOM - BOOM, BOOM
BOBBY BOOM - BOOM, BOOM Slap that bass; BOOM - BOOM. Slap away your trouble. THE COMPANY Learn to zoom, zoom, zoom Slap that bass! (Vocal scat section - 12 bars a cappella.) BOYS (Bass) Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, (Bass - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (Alto) Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, (Bass & Alto - Repeat, Add:) BOYS (Tenor) Zoodledy Doodledy Boom, Boom Boom, Boom. (Bass, Tenor & Alto - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (Soprano) Boomity Bangity Zing, Zing, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, (Tenor, Soprano & Alto - Repeat) BOYS (Bass) Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, FULL COMPANY Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom! (Dance Break) BOYS (JIMMY, WYATT, BILLY, SAM, Hands out, hands together, Hands out, hands together, Hands out, hands together,
CUSTUS & hands on hands on hands on
PETE) head. hips. chest.
COMPANY Dictators would be better off If they zoom-zoomed now and then Today you can see that the happiest men All got rhythm All got rhythm In which case, If you want to bubble
Slap that bass Slap away your trouble Learn to zoom zoom zoom Slap that bass!! (When the number's over, the BOYS and GIRLS hoot with triumph. They've really accomplished something.) BOBBY Okay, voce more from the top. (The COMPANY groans.) That vas joke! Lunch, lunch, lunch! (The COMPANY disperses.) TESS (To BOBBY:) Not too shabby, kiddo! (TESS exits - at which point, IRENE enters, carrying a suitcase. She's obviously just arrived in town. BOBBY, looking the other way, doesn't see her enter.) IRENE Excuse me. I'm looking for someone named Bobby Child. (BOBBY turns and sees her - and panics.) BOBBY (Trying to get away, covering his face with a towel.) I have not seen him lately. Maybe you should try Vyoming. IRENE : BOBBY!! BOBBY (Dropping the towel; in his own voice:) Irene. Hi: IRENE What the hell are you doing?! BOBBY Well, I-I-I-I-I I'm putting on a show. I'm Bela Zangler. IRENE You look like Karl Marx. :Why in God's name would you dress up like some idiot in the middle of Nevada -?! (At which point, POLLY runs in with some flyers and hurries up to BOBBY, flushed with excitement.)
POLLY Mr. Zangler? (To IRENE) Hi. Excuse me. (To BOBBY, with adoration) I just gotta tell ya, I mean, what you're doing' here, it's like a miracle! (She kisses him.) BOBBY Thank you : POLLY I'll be back in a minute. I gotta get these flyers off to Sky bluff! (She hurries off into the wings.) BOBBY (Calling to her:) Take your time! IRENE :I should have known. BOBBY Irene IRENE You're doing this for her! BOBBY Well, not exactly IRENE Bobby! I saw that revolting look in your eyes. Like a cow who needs milking. BOBBY Irene - ! IRENE And I'm sure she'd love to hear all about the real you. BOBBY Hey. Come on! You wouldn't do that! IRENE We are leaving here tomorrow morning. BOBBY Just one sec -
IRENE (Grabbing him by the lapels.) Bobby, you are talking to a frustrated woman! BOBBY I can se that (She kisses him on the lips. He struggles in vain, as POLLY hurries in.) POLLY Mr. Zangl - :Oh. Sorry. BOBBY (Disengaging himself from IRENE) Polly:Polly:Polly: Ve have a visitor. (To IRENE:) Polly is only voman living in Deadrock. IRENE I guess that's why she looks so tired. BOBBY Polly, this is a very old friend of min. POLLY Well, she sure moves good for her age. IRENE My age? I suppose you just had your coming-out party. POLLY Oh, I never had a comin'-out party. I never even knew what the word meant till I saw that dress of yours. IRENE Would you like to borrow it? POLLY Well, not till I'm buried. BOBBY (To IRENE:) She vas making a joke: IRENE I suppose it must look rather odd to you, not having any leather fringe on it. POLLY That's okay. Your hair kinda makes up for it. BOBBY I just knew you two vould be good friends.
(By which time, LANK has entered.) LANK Excuse me. Mr. Zangler? May I speak with you for a moment? BOBBY :.Ya? (LANK grabs BOBBY roughly by the shirt-front.) LANK Listen, you! I want you out of here on the next train! BOBBY You don't like show? LANK No I don't like show. And I don't like you hanging around my woman all day! BOBBY You vould prefer all night? (LANK shakes him hard.) Ow! LANK Maybe you'd better take a look at something. (He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.) Read that. BOBBY :It's a vedding license. LANK Have I made my intentions clear enough for you? BOBBY I guess so, but: I just don't vant to marry you. LANK You are close to an idiot! (BOBBY looks at him : then takes a giant step away.) LANK That isn't funny. BOBBY Fine. Now leave my theater. LANK I'm warning you, Zangler - !
BOBBY Get out of here! Now! I am busy man!! LANK You haven't seen the end of me! BOBBY If it's like the front, I don't vant to see it! IRENE(to LANK) Excuse me. You don't by chance have a hotel in this town? LANK (Sensing a rich customer) Well. As a matter of fact, I own that beautiful hotel, right next door. IRENE Good. Can you give a room and a bath? LANK (Offended) Madam, I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath. (LANK exits. IRENE gives BOBBY a look and exits with her suitcase.) BOBBY Polly, ve have important talk now, ya? POLLY Sure. What's up? BOBBY I vant to speak to you about Bobby Child. POLLY Oh, him. BOBBY Polly, he is a vonderful boy. Handsome. Talented. Brave. POLLY I ain't even seen him for days. Which is lucky for him! BOBBY Polly, he has told me, he is : crazy for you. POLLY Well, I can't help that. I'm already spoken for. BOBBY : You are?!
POLLY Yeah. In my heart, anyway. BOBBY It is that : Lank person, ya? (Music starts under for next number.) I tell you, I don't like him! He is totally wrong for you ! POLLY It isn't Lank! BOBBY : Moose? POLLY (Sighs) You just don't understand anything, do ya? 10. Embraceable you POLLY Dozens of men would storm up I had to lock my door Somehow I couldn't warm up To one before BOBBY Pete : Sam? POLLY What was it that controlled me? What kept my love-life lean? BOBBY (Counting off the men on his fingers) Lank, Moose, Pete, Sam... POLLY My intuition told me You'd come on the scene BOBBY :Me?! POLLY (Putting his hand on her heart.) Mister, listen to the rhythm of my heartbeat, BOBBY Uh oh. POLLY
And you'll know just what I mean. BOBBY Polly, you are making big mistake here - ! POLLY Embrace me, My sweet embraceable you, BOBBY I think ve gotta talk about this POLLY Embrace me, My irreplaceable you BOBBY This is not vhat I vas planning POLLY Just one look at you -- my heart grew tipsy in me. (She strokes the side of his head, and he screams for fear of his wig moving.) BOBBY No no no no no no no no!! POLLY You and you alone bring out the gypsy in me. BOBBY That's because I am Hungarian POLLY (Getting very hot now:) I love all the many charms about you; BOBBY You are making big joke now, ya -? POLLY Above all I want my arms about you! BOBBY Okay. It's not a joke: POLLY Don't be a naughty baby Come to Polly -- come to Polly -- do! My sweet embraceable you.
(As the refrain plays in the orchestra, she takes him in her arms and begins to dance with him around the stage. He's fighting his impulse to give in to her.) BOBBY Now just imagine if I vas Bobby. POLLY You dance even better than he does. BOBBY No, I don't think so: (They continue to dance.) POLLY In your arms I find love so delectable, dear, I'm afraid it isn't quite respectable, dear, But hang it -Come on, let's glorify love! Ding dang it! You'll shout "Encore!" if I love. Don't be a naughty baby, Come to Polly -- come to Polly -- do! (Finally, he comes to her.) Polly and Bobby My sweet embraceable... (As they kiss, the music swells. They kiss passionately, as the lights change, and the next scene erupts around them. Music segues on applause.)
Scene Ten Backstage of the Gaiety Theater, Saturday night, about 7 o'clock. We see two dressing rooms in cutaway - one for the GIRLS and one for the BOYS - separated by a corridor down the middle. In and around the dressing rooms, the GIRLS and the BOYS are getting ready for the show - putting on makeup, pulling on costumes, etc. There an opening night atmosphere of excitement and anticipation. 11. Tonight's the Night BOYS Hands out, hands together, hands on head. Hands out, hands together, hands on hips. Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.
THE COMPANY I've just got a feeling Tonight's the night! Let's tear down the ceiling -Tonight's the night! Take the chain and ball off, For now on I'm free; This is where I fall off The family tree. There's no fun in being an angel child -I hear the call of the wild If the worst should happen, it serves me right, Tonight's the night. (The music continues as an underscore.) CUSTUS Opening night! Gal-darn, this is fun! I ain't seen so much excitement around here since my horse foaled. PATSY Wow! It must be hard to fold a horse! (The music comes up, then goes down again, as POLLY hurries through the BOYS' dressing room, handing out programs. BOBBY (as BOBBY) is pursuing her.) BOBBY Polly, would you listen to me?! It's about Zangler! POLLY Of all the times for you to show up -! (They get to the corridor.) BOBBY You kissed him, didn't you?! (This stops her.) POLLY :Have you been spyin' on us?! BOBBY Of course not! He : he-he-he told me! POLLY Ya know, I'm not surprised that you are jealous of him. BOBBY Jealous - ?!
POLLY The man is a do-er, Bobby. He has accomplished things. He is just so full of energy and vision -! (She starts to go.) BOBBY Polly, you are falling in love with the wrong man!! (POLLY exits into the GIRLS' Dressing Room, leaving BOBBY in the corridor.) BOBBY Why am I so much better as Zangler?! (BOBBY exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room - evoking screams of protest. The music comes up and then goes down again. At this moment, EVERETT heads through the BOYS' Dressing Room, pursued by LANK. LANK is carrying a suitcase full of money. They reach the corridor:) LANK Everett, would you listen to me! EVERETT I'm not interested. LANK (Opening the case to give EVERETT a look, then snapping it shut.) Three hundred dollars if you call off the show EVERETT Keep your money, Lank. LANK (Pulling out even more money.) All right, four hundred! EVERETT Invest in something. Start a --- casino. LANK Don't be stupid! Who would come to Nevada to gamble?! (EVERETT exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, causing screams, leaving LANK in the corridor. The music comes up, then goes down again. At this moment, IRENE storms through the BOYS' Dressing Room, catching some of the BOYS with their pants down.) THE BOYS (Covering themselves; embarrassed:) Hey, lady! What are ya doin?! Would you get outta here!
(IRENE enters the corridor and sees LANK.) IRENE Have you seen "Zangler"?! He's been avoiding me all day! LANK Madam, that is your problem. IRENE It's both our problems! If the show succeeds, you could lose Polly and I could lose Bobby! LANK Who's Bobby? IRENE Zangler! LANK "Bobby Zangler?" IRENE His name is "Child!" LANK "Child Zangler?" IRENE No, you idiot! Zangler is Child! LANK Well, he certainly acts grown up. IRENE You are so stupid!! LANK I'm stupid - ?!! (They exit arguing. The music comes up.) ALL There's no fun in being an angel child; I hear the call of the wild. (Music goes down again, as JIMMY, holding binoculars, runs into the GIRLS' Dressing Room and shouts over "train" vamp:) JIMMY Hold it everybody! I spotted some people comin', straight from the station!
(The BOYS run out through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, as the GIRLS finish the song.) THE GIRLS If the worst should happen, it serves me right Tonight's the night! (As they sing, the dressing rooms slide off and the scene changes.) Scene Eleven Main Street, Deadrock, immediately following. As the song fades away, IRENE and LANK are coming out of the theater, still arguing, followed by POLLY and EVERETT, then the rest of the cast. A large banner over the theater reads: "ZANGLER FOLLIES". IRENE For God's sake, do something! LANK Would you stop nagging! I am not your husband! IRENE If you were my husband, I'd kill myself. LANK Quick! Find a minister! IRENE I did not come here to be insulted! LANK Oh? Where do you usually go?! (LANK and IRENE exit into the saloon.) POLLY Oh, Dad. Where's Bela?! He should be here for this! (Calling into the saloon.) Bela! (BOBBY hurries out as ZANGLER, still pulling his coat on.) BOBBY I vas just upstairs, talking to Bobby POLLY Not now! BOBBY
He is just so full of energy and vision! He is a do-er, Polly! He has accomplished things -! (POLLY gives BOBBY a kiss.) POLLY That's for luck. (At this moment, JIMMY calls down from the roof of the theater.) JIMMY Here they come!! They're roundin' the bend! (A cheer from the cast. IRENE and LANK come out of the saloon to watch. A beat, then for a moment, no one appears. Then, from the desert, EUGENE and PATRICIA - a chirpy English couple in their mid-30's - stride into view. They seasoned travelers, and the walk from the station hasn't tired them a bit. THEY see the assembled COMPANY and smile affably.) EUGENE Hallo. PATRICIA Good evening. EUGENE Is this Deadrock, Nevada? WYATT It sure is. EUGENE Jolly good. POLLY Where's everybody else? PATRICIA Everyone else? POLLY From the train! PATRICIA I didn't see anyone else on the train, did you, dear? EUGENE Oh, now wait. There was that rather older gentleman. We left the poor chap somewhere in the desert. PATRICIA
Frankly, I'm not sure he'll make it. (They laugh at this.) TESS You mean there's just the two of you? EUGENE I'm afraid so. Is that a problem. (Stunned silence. Everyone just looks at each other.) POLLY (Bravely:) :No. No, that's okay. I guess you want to buy your tickets now. EUGENE Tickets? POLLY To see the show! (She points at the COMPANY and they strike a pose.) THE COMPANY Ta da! PATRICIA Oh, dear. EUGENE I'm afraid we're not here to see a stage show. POLLY You're not? EUGENE Oh, no no no. You see, we're writing a sort of guide book to the American West. PATRICIA We hope to do a series of them. EUGENE (Extending his hand.) The name is Fodor. I'm Eugene. This is Patricia. PATRICIA (Consulting her notes.) Now let's see. We're here to review the ... "Lank Hawkins Saloon bar, Hotel and Restaurant." (A beat, then LANK comes forward.) LANK
Well, well, well! How do you do. Lank Hawkins. Proprietor of the said establishment. PATRICIA Oh, lucky us! EUGENE Are we still in time for dinner, Mr. Hawkins? LANK Absolument. Bien soor. (He leads them to the saloon.) Entrez. (The FODORS exit.) LANK (to BOBBY:) The clouds part, and justice reigneth supreme. (LANK laughs with delight and exits into the saloon. IRENE follows him in. For a moment, there's dead silence. The entire COMPANY has hit rock bottom. POLLY is ready to cry.) CUSTUS : I can't believe it. After all the rehearsin'. PETE Maybe some people are comin' by car. EVERETT No. No. I wouldn't count on it. (Long pause.) BOBBY (Quietly:) I believe I owe you all : a very big apology, ya? EVERETT (Heartbroken:) :. No. No. It's not your fault. BOBBY But it is, I'm afraid. I put on show, raise your hopes, and do not sell for you a single ticket. (Pause; to POLLY:) I am truly sorry. (BOBBY, stricken, heads slowly for the saloon.) POLLY Now wait a second! So what if we didn't sell any tickets? That doesn't mean we're a failure. BOBBY In the theater business, it's a pretty good indication.
POLLY Well, not out here it ain't. I mean, look at all you've given us. Just look around! Before you came along, we were nothin' but a bunch of:lazy drifters. We didn't do anything! Then you showed up and : somethin' magical happened. We've been workin' together, and carin' about things and feelin' alive! 12. I Got Rhythm POLLY Days can be sunny, with never a sigh, Don't need what money can buy. Birds in the tree sing their dayful of song. Why shouldn't we sing along? I'm chipper all the day, Happy with my lot. How did I get that way? Look at what I've got. I got rhythm, I got music, I got my man -Who could ask for anything more? I got daisies In green pastures, I got my man -Who could ask for anything more? I got daisies In green pastures, I got my man -Who could ask for anything more? Old man trouble, I don't mind him -You won't find him 'Round my door I got starlight, I got sweet dreams, I got my man -Who could ask for anything more -Who could ask for anything more?! JUNIOR I got rhythm CUSTUS I got music,
POLLY I got my man -JUNIOR AND CUSTUS Who could ask for anything more? PETE I got daisies WYATT In green pastures POLLY I got my man -JUNIOR, CUSTUS, PETE AND WYATT Who could ask for anything more? POLLY COMPANY Old man trouble, OoohI don't mind him -You won't find him Ooooh Hangin' 'round my front or back door. EVERETT I got starlight WYATT I got sweet dreams POLLY I got my man -Who could ask for anything more? THE BOYS Who could ask for anything more?! (Dance break.) 12-I
Dance Part One: I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company
THE COMPANY Old man trouble, I don't mind him You won't find him Polly 'Round my door THE COMPANY POLLY I got rhythm, Oh... I got music, I got my man -Who could ask for anything more? I got daisies Oh...
In green pastures I got my man -Who could ask for anything more? (Dance break) 12-II
Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm - Company
(A pause before the final lines - when out of the desert, exhausted and limping, BELA ZANGLER enters Deadrock, carrying a suitcase.) ZANGLER Vater:.Vater:. (No one sees him, or hears him above the music, and he collapses to the ground in a dead faint, as the COMPANY sings the final lines at the top of their lungs:) Who could ask for anything more?! Who could ask for anything more?! End of Act One
13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag ACT TWO Scene One Inside having are at MINGO,
LANK's saloon, fifteen minutes later. The COMPANY is a party, dancing and drinking. EUGENE and PATRICIA a table, finishing dinner. LANK is beaming. MOOSE, SAM and POLLY are entertaining with a song:
13. The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM The real American folk song is a rag, A mental jag A rhythmic tonic for the chronic blues The critics called it a joke song But now they've changed their tune And they like it somehow For it's inoculated With a syncopated sort of meter, Sweeter than a classic strain Boy! You can't remain Still and quiet For it's a riot! The real American folk song Is like a fountain of youth;
You taste, and it elates you. And then, invigorates you. The real American folk song, Master stroke song, Is a rag. (TRIO sings a Scat, Falsetto, Obbligato to Orch. Refrain, 16 Bars.) THE COMPANY The real American folk song Is like the fountain of youth; You taste, and it elates you, And then, invigorates you. THE COMPANY & THE TRIO The real American folk song -MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM Yippie Yi-Yoh Ki-Yay Ki-Yoh! THE COMPANY & THE TRIO The real American folk song -MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM Hoodle-lee hoo-day-ee hoodle-ee-hoo-day-ee-oh! THE COMPANY The real American folk song Is a rag. What a rag!! 13 (cont'd)
INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo
LANK (Still applauding after the others have stopped; to the Fodors:) Just marvelous! Wasn't that wonderful? My God, this is a nice place! EUGENE We have a bit of laundry for you. Will that be all right? LANK Laundry? No problem. Enchante. PATRICIA And we'd like a wake-up call, please, at five a.m. LANK :Five a.m.?? EUGENE
We just love seeing the dawn breaking out here in the West. LANK :Right. PATRICIA Good night, all! EUGENE Night-night! LANK Good night! Sleep well:and quickly! (As the FODORS exit up the stairs, and LANK exits to the back room, music out as BOBBY (as BOBBY) hurries out of his room and down the stairs looking for POLLY. He spots her at the bar. ) BOBBY Polly! POLLY I'm havin' a drink. BOBBY I've got to talk to you. (He leads her away from the bar.) This is important. POLLY What's up? BOBBY Polly: (He takes a breath - and almost kneels.) I've really thought about this, and :well, it could be my last chance and : Polly, I want you to marry me. POLLY Bobby BOBBY Look, I-I-I realize the show didn't work POLLY It's not that BOBBY But I'll get a job, out here, and raise the money -! POLLY You can't do that.
BOBBY Of course I can! Are you kidding? I'll- I'll- I'll- be a cowpoke. I'll learn to poke cows. POLLY Bobby. The fact is, I'm in love with Bela. BOBBY Polly POLLY Out there on the street just now, it was like a celebration of what our show would have been like, thanks to him BOBBY Polly POLLY I just can't help it! Whenever I'm with him, I feel somethin' strange, sorta : down in my basement. (Pause.) I'm sorry, Bobby. (She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek, then heads for the door.) BOBBY :Polly! (She turns. Pause. ) BOBBY : I've got to tell you something. POLLY What? BOBBY : You're not going to believe this. POLLY What?! BOBBY I'm Bela Zangler. POLLY : Huh? BOBBY I'm Zangler. Me. I'm him. (The explanation pours out of him.) You see, when you got so mad at me, that first day, I-I-I realized there was only one way I could help, so I called
up Tess, and-and-and she brought the clothes and the beard and : that's who you fell in love with. (Pause.) POLLY Bobby, this is pathetic. BOBBY But it's true! POLLY How can ya stand there and just lie like this -? BOBBY Look, I'll do the accent, okay? "Vell vell vell, it is so nice to see you today -" POLLY (overlapping) You are makin' such a fool of yourself BOBBY "Ve have rehearsal now, ya?" POLLY (overlapping) This is so sad BOBBY "First ve practice a little tap-dancing -" POLLY Bobby, stop it! I just hate this -! BOBBY Polly, you've got to believe me! I'm Zangler! (At this moment, ZANGLER staggers in from the street, parched and barely able to stand up.) ZANGLER Vater:vater: (He grabs a bottle of whiskey from the reception desk and starts to drink.) BOBBY I'll show you the clothes and-and the beard and makeup! They're upstairs! I'll prove it to you! POLLY Hi, Bela! BOBBY (Glancing over his shoulder.)
Hi, Bela. (Back to POLLY:) Polly, I wouldn't lie to you! I'd never:: (He stops cold. He looks at ZANGLER - then drops to the ground. A group from the bar gathers 'round him in concern.) POLLY 'Night, Bobby. Nice try. (She heads for ZANGLER.) PATSY Hey, Bobby! Are you all right?! POLLY (To ZANGLER:) Hi. ZANGLER How do you do. (She kisses him on the mouth. BOBBY sees it and groans. She kisses ZANGLER again, with increasing passion. BOBBY groans louder and grabs a bottle of liquor from CUSTUS. As the kiss continues, POLLY rubs her hand down ZANGLER's leg.) BOBBY Oh, my God: (BOBBY heads up the stairs, drinking from the bottle. At last, POLLY breaks the kiss.) ZANGLER Thank you. POLLY (Sexy:) 'Night, Bela. (Matter-of-factly, calling up the stairs:) 'Night, Bobby! (POLLY exits. BOBBY groans and exits into his room. ZANGLER is staring at the door where POLLY exited. TESS hurries up to ZANGLER.) TESS Bela! What are you doing here?! ZANGLER I don't know, but I'm coming back. TESS You could ruin everything! ZANGLER
Tessie! I have come three thousand miles just to be vith you! (He starts kissing her arm and works his way to her neck.) TESS Stop it, stop it. Would you - Oooooh. (She's momentarily turned on; then get a hold of herself.) Bela, how many times do I have to tell you?! I don't enjoy your company, I'm bored when I'm with you, and I don't find you even remotely attractive. ZANGLER You see? Ve could be married already. TESS And how is Mrs. Zangler? ZANGLER She left me. TESS You're kidding. ZANGLER She is running around vith some stinking louse! TESS I guess she couldn't break the habit. ZANGLER Tessie! Vhy do you say such things?! You know I vould do anything for you! TESS (A sudden thought.) : Anything? ZANGLER Vithin reason. TESS : I think I have an idea. (TESS drags ZANGLER to a corner of the room and they continue to talk. Meanwhile, IRENE and LANK enter at the balcony at the same time, each from a different room.) IRENE Mr. Hawkins! LANK
What?! IRENE (Thrusting her room-service tray at LANK.) In case you're wondering, the coffee was cold, the food was inedible, and the cutlery was filthy. LANK Madam, if you don't like it here, I can show you the wide open spaces! IRENE I have no desire to look inside your head! (THE BOYS laugh, as IRENE exits back into her room and LANK heads down the stairs and exits to the back room.) LANK : GOD! (He's gone. At which point, we refocus on ZANGLER and TESS.) ZANGLER I do not do shows in desert! TESS We have the show! We need an audience. ZANGLER This is middle of no place! TESS Well advertise! Get the word out! You could do it! ZANGLER It is impossible! TESS (A beat, then:) Fine. Don't ever kiss this neck again. (She walks away, but ZANGLER follows her.) ZANGLER Tessie, please! It vouldn't vork! This is town of morons! TESS That is so typical. ZANGLER Tessie TESS These are nice, normal, healthy people.
(At this moment, WYATT comes up to TESS and takes her arm.) WYATT Hey, sugar, how 'bout a drink? TESS You got it, buster. ZANGLER Tessie! BILLY Hey! Wait a second! That's my woman! WYATT (Laughing:) Well, not anymore. BILLY I SAID LET HER GO!! WYATT I SAID NO!! (The two BOYS start fighting: a right to the jaw, a left to the stomach. Instantly, some of the other BOYS join the battle. JIMMY crashes in through the bar doors and starts shooting. Gunfire is exchanged. The BOYS are dying right and left. The battle ends with JIMMY shooting BILLY, who falls from the balcony onto the bar, then onto the floor, rolling over and over as he dies. Meanwhile, the GIRLS are screaming. A beat, then BILLY rolls over for a last time. Silence. Then ZANGLER pours himself a drink, his hand shaking.) ZANGLER Nice, normal, healthy people: (The dead men rise and dust themselves off.) BILLY It's gettin' better. CUSTUS Which one was that? WYATT The Dalton Boys meet the Clanton Gang! PATSY You were so brave! WYATT Thank ya, ma'am.
(The BOYS and GIRLS - including TESS - drift out to the street. ZANGLER stares after them in amazement, retracing BILLY's fall with his finger. By this time, everyone's gone, his bottle is empty, and he's extremely drunk. He's alone in the saloon. He walks to the bar for another bottle.) ZANGLER (Calling out:) Tessie! (No answer.) Tessie: (A beat, then BOBBY - in his ZANGLER costume - appears at the top of the stairs, falling-down drunk, carrying an empty whiskey bottle.) BOBBY (With his ZANGLER accent - which he uses throughout the rest of the scene:) Polly! Look! It's me:! Do you see? It's me! : (But she's gone; for a moment, we see the two ZANGLERS.) Polly, Polly, Polly: ZANGLER Tessie, Tessie, Tessie: (ZANGLER walks behind the bar for another bottle stumbles and falls out of sight with a crash. BOBBY heads down the stairs, loses his footing and careens down the steps, almost killing himself.) BOBBY (Like a baseball umpire:) Safe! (BOBBY manages to walk down the final step, then weaves his way to the bar. On the bar are two plates, each with a hot dog in a bun on a napkin. BOBBY puts down his empty bottle and hits the bar three times, to call the bartender, but on the third hit, he falls to the floor -at which point, ZANGLER stands up, puts his full bottle on the bar, sees BOBBY's empty, takes it, and ducks behind the bar again just as BOBBY stands up. In other words, they still haven't seen each other. BOBBY now sees the full bottle, and he takes it, along with one of the plates, and weaves toward the table. As he goes, ZANGLER stands up again with another full bottle. He takes the other plate and follows BOBBY to the table. They both sit at the table (at the same time) still oblivious to each other. Facing each other, they both take a bite of their hot dogs and chew, looking straight at each other. A mirror image. They assume it's a mirror and therefore don't react. They just chew. Then they each take another bite and chew some more. Then they bend towards
each other - and they both wipe their mouths to remove some mustard. They simultaneously uncork their bottles, pour a drink into their shot glasses, cross their legs and drink and then gargle.) BOTH She doesn't vant me! (Pause.) Bela, Bela, Bela: (They look at each other - take off their glasses for a better look - pull their eyes open and see how awful they both look, moan, and pour themselves another drink. ZANGLER is about to drink, but BOBBY holds out his glass for a toast. ZANGLER notices this and clinks glasses. They're about to drink, when they both realize that this wouldn't happen in a mirror. They pause; then shrug and say "Eh," and drink their drinks. They put down their drinks. BOBBY belches loudly. ZANGLER hits his chest and says:) ZANGLER Excuse me. (A beat, then they suddenly become bitter.) BOBBY :Vomen. ZANGLER Vomen. BOBBY I'm so upset. ZANGLER I am beside myself. (A beat, then they look at each other.) 14. What Causes That ZANGLER She's so full of trickery, Life is bitter as chicory, Bitterness fills my cup. BOBBY I'm sorry you brought that up. Once I thought I'd search around For the little church around The corner, but now I see. BOTH It never was meant to be.
ZANGLER Once she used to praise me. BOBBY Why is she so high hat? ZANGLER Boy, does she amaze me. BOTH Tell me what causes that?! BOBBY When I'm away from her I start despairing. BOTH Oy Oy Oy Oy Oy ZANGLER You ought to know by now what causes that! BOBBY I got pretty good idea. ZANGLER I'm growing balder from the hair I'm tearing. BOTH Sheeeeeee:. BOBBY You ought to know by now what causes that! When she keeps on brushing you aside Oh gosh, you're all at sea! You go contemplating suicide -It's much too much for me! You're not so dumb that you don't know the answer. Loving her is what causes that! (They get their hands tangled in the backs of their chairs.) ZANGLER (Climbing a chair.) If I should climb the Brooklyn Bridge and jump off. BOBBY Vait, you could hurt yourself. ZANGLER That's the idea. BOBBY Oh, I suppose you'd ask what causes that?
ZANGLER I'm depressed. BOBBY You're depressed? I'm not myself today. If I should get a gun and bump this chump off. ZANGLER Point that thing the other vay! Oh, I suppose you'd ask what causes that? BOTH Really you don't have to mope around And burn up as you do, There's a cannon and rope around, There's lots of poison too! I'm very blue of late and there's a reason: ZANGLER Loving her... BOBBY Loving her... BOTH Is what causes that! (They dance.) I'm very blue of late and there's a reason: Loving her is what causes that! ...Is what causes that! ...Is what causes that! ...Is what causes that! (They weave their way back to the table, try to grab their glasses and miss. They stumble underneath the table - reach up and get their glasses - and clink. On the last note of the song, they faint, out cold, their heads next to each other. Blackout. On applause, music segues to:) 14a. SCENE CHANGE - Bobby Wakes up (Music fades out under opening dialogue of next Scene.) Scene Two LANK's Saloon, the next morning, about 10 o'clock. Sun is streaming in from the doorway. BOBBY and ZANGLER are just where we left them - out cold, looking identical, under the
table. PETE, JUNIOR and HARRY are cleaning up from the night before. CUSTUS is also there. They're all depressed; and none of them has noticed the two men under the table. After a beat, POLLY enters with her mail bag and a few letters. POLLY Mail call! (The BOYS just look at her - and go back to what they were doing. POLLY sighs. It's the same old thing.) POLLY Now don't forget, we got a company meetin' in twenty minutes over at the theater. CUSTUS I don't see what that'll prove. JUNIOR It's too late now. POLLY Well we gotta decide what to do, don't we? We still got two weeks left on that mortgage. HARRY Two weeks. PETE Big deal. POLLY Well we gotta do somethin'. I'd rather sell the place to Lank than let that bank have it. CUSTUS (Offering POLLY a mug of tea.) Tea? POLLY Thanks. (She takes a sip of teas as she flips through the mail; she sees something for BOBBY and hollers up the stairs.) POLLY HEY, BOBY!!! YOU UP THERE?!! HEY!!! (No answer.) BOBBY!! YA GOT A TELEGRAM!! (BOBBY gets to his knees. He has a hangover and a splitting headache. He also has no idea that he's dressed as Zangler - so of course, he uses his own voice.)
BOBBY (Singing:) I got rhythm, I got music. I got such a headache! Ohhhh..Morning, Polly. Oh, my back! Oh, my legs! My stomach! My throat: (He touches his cheek and can't find his nose.) My nose?! (He finds his nose and sighs with relief.) :Is that my telegram? (POLLY and the BOYS hear BOBBY'S voice from ZANGLER's body, and stare at him dumbfounded. Throughout the following speech, they continue to stare, without moving, their mouths agape.) BOBBY (He takes the telegram out of her hand.) I'll be it's from Mother again. That's just what I need right. (He tears the telegram open and reads it:) "Dear Fat-head. Stop." Yep. It's Mom. "Stop this nonsense. Stop. This is your final notice. Stop." Sounds like an electric bill. "Get back here on next train. Stop. Don't stop. Stop. Will stop allowance if you stop. Stop. Your loving mother. Stop. (A beat, then:) P.S. Your uncle stopped by." (A beat, then:) I wish she'd write letters. (As he puts the telegram away, he starts to realize that something's not right; he looks around; nobody moves.) What's the matter? :Polly? :Hello:? POLLY (Almost a whisper) :Is that you? (At this point, ZANGLER wakes up, moans and gets to his feet.) ZANGLER (Also hungover.) Ohhhh: (BOBBY sees ZANGLER.) BOBBY Hi, Bela. (:and then it hits him; he touches his beard.) Uh-oh. POLLY :Bobby?
BOBBY Hi. : Well, I guess you believe me now, huh? Are you ready for this? (He peels off his beard and moustache.) This is the best part. (He pulls off his wig.) Ta-da! ZANGLER Do you also do James Cagney? BOBBY (Singing, a cappella) "Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you." Remember that? "Embrace me, you irreplaceable (WHAP!!! She slaps him across the face, sending him reeling.) BOBBY Polly - ! (WHAP!!! She slaps him again. A beat, then he falls to his knees, moans and holds the sides of his head in pain.) BOBBY What was that for?! You're in love with me. You admitted it! POLLY That was Zangler! ZANGLER Me? POLLY Not you! ZANGLER There is third Zangler? POLLY The one I cared about! The real Zangler! BOBBY That's what I'm telling you! That was me! ZANGLER You mean you are real Zangler? BOBBY I'm not the real Zangler. I'm : Zangler. ZANGLER
Then who am I? POLLY That's what I want to know! ZANGLER : I'm not so sure. POLLY I don't even know who I kissed last night!! BOBBY & ZANGLER (Both raise their hands.) Me. POLLY Oh, my God : ZANGLER She kissed you too? BOBBY Of course she kissed me! ZANGLER Had you met her before? BOBBY I fell in love with her! ZANGLER That must have been some kiss. POLLY Would ya stop this! ZANGLER Stop? POLLY Stop! BOBBY (Pulling out the telegram.) You sound like my mother. POLLY (To BOBBY) You made a jackass outta me. BOBBY No, I didn't. POLLY
Of course ya did. BOBBY I did not! ZANGLER Maybe I did. BOBBY & POLLY Would you stay out of this! (POLLY groans with embarrassment and heads angrily for the door.) BOBBY Polly - ! POLLY (Stopping at the door.) I have never been so humiliated in my whole life. (She exits. Pause.) CUSTUS (To BOBBY) I guess you won't be at that meetin' now, will ya? BOBBY : What meeting? JUNIOR Down at the theater. We're decidin' what to do. CUSTUS She's thinkin' of sellin' the place to Lank. BOBBY She can't do that! You've got to stop her! THE BOYS Oh, yeah. Fat chance. (etc.) BOBBY What time's the meeting? MINGO In about ten minutes. BOBBY (Heading up the stairs.) I've got to change. Don't start the meeting without me! (By this time, ZANGLER is on the balcony, about to enter his room.)
ZANGLER Excuse me. BOBBY Yeah? ZANGLER Are you going as me or you? BOBBY Me. ZANGLER That's good. Then I can go as me. (ZANGLER exits, as BOBBY hurries up the rest of the stairs - and runs straight into IRENE, who comes out of her room.) IRENE There you are. Are you ready to go now? BOBBY I can't now! I'm in a hurry! IRENE I've been waiting in this stinking town for three days! BOBBY Irene, please! I don't have time! IRENE Well, make some time! I am your fiancee. BOBBY No, you're not! IRENE Bobby -! BOBBY Irene, I'm sorry. It's really over. I'm in love with Polly. IRENE Bobby - ! BOBBY Wish me luck. (He kisses her cheek.) You're a pal. (He exits into his room.) IRENE
Bobby, come back here! Open up!! (He's gone.) Damn! Damn! Damn! (At this moment, LANK runs in from the corridor, clutching dirty laundry, past IRENE and down the stairs, looking madly around for a place to hide.) LANK You haven't seen me! (At which point, PATRICIA and EUGENE enter from the corridor. WYATT and MINGO enter from the street.) PATRICIA Oh, Mr. Hawkins! (LANK freezes.) EUGENE You won't be long with that laundry, will you? LANK (The Frenchman) No no no no no. Toot sweet. PATRICIA And we do hate to bother you again, but we'd like some croissants with our coffee. That won't be too much trouble, will it, dear? LANK Croissants? No no no no no. PATRICIA Isn't he silly. (The FODORS exit.) LANK (To himself) I suppose if they were found dead tomorrow morning there might be questions: IRENE It does say "hotel," you know. On the sign. LANK : Excuse me? IRENE The sign. It says "hotel." LANK
Does it? Oh, my God, it does. Well, we'll just take care of that, shall we? (He walks to the sign : then suddenly yanks it from the reception desk and starts banging it on the desk. Venting his rage, he breaks it over his head, then mauls it into little pieces and jumps on it, grunting and swearing. Just as suddenly, the rage ends. During LANK's business, CUSTUS & PETE exit through door behind reception desk.) LANK Well. Anything else you'd like to complain about? IRENE You're a very frustrated man, aren't you? LANK Oh, I see! It's Dr. Freud now, is it?! Well, Doctor, what I really hate are stupid women from New York who have their brains in their backsides -! IRENE You are, without a doubt, the rudest, most uncouth, roughest man I ever met! (Without warning, she grabs him and kisses him full on the lips. She breaks it and reels backward, hitting the wall.) IRENE Oh, my God: (She kisses him again. Then she shoves him into a chair and pulls the chair to the table.) IRENE (To the BOYS at the table) Move. (The BOYS scatter in fear, taking their bottles with them.) 15. Naughty Baby IRENE If you want a girl who's sentimental, One who'll never set you in a whirl, One who will be always sweet and gentle, I am not that kind of girl. But if you prefer a rather swift one, If you think you'd like to run around With a bright one I am just the right one. (During the song, IRENE seduces LANK.)
Naughty baby, Naughty baby, Who will tease you. I can show the way And know the way To please you. If you're wanting a beginner I shan't do I can make a saint a sinner When I want to. If you find The simple kind Are rather slow, dear, Then you ought to try A naughty one You know, dear, But you'll never meet another who will be A naughty baby, naughty baby just like me. (Dance break. IRENE ties LANK's ankles and wrists with her scarf, then dances with four of the BOYS to make LANK jealous.) HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGO Naughty baby we love you. IRENE At Bryn Mawr, I was at the top of my class. HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGO Though you may be bad it's true IRENE All the boys were underneath. HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGO Please don't go. For though we've been warned about you You must know That we want you so! (By this time, LANK has freed himself, and he throws the four BOYS, one by one, out the door of the saloon.) IRENE If you find the simple kind are rather slow, dear, Then you ought to try a naughty one, you know, dear, But you'll never meet another who will be A naught baby, naughty baby... LANK Naughty baby, naughty baby...
HARRY, WYATT JUNIOR AND MINGO (Looking in through the door.) Naughty baby... IRENE Just like me. (Blackout.) Scene Three Stage of the theatre, ten minutes later, just behind the curtain. EVERETT is alone with his vacuum cleaner (which makes a very loud buzz), vacuuming the stage. His spirits are low. After a moment, TESS and PATSY enter. TESS (Shouting over the noise) Everett! : Everett, would you turn that thing off! EVERETT What? PATSY Would you turn that thing off! The meeting is starting! EVERETT I can't hear you with the machine on! TESS I said, would you turn that thing - : (She realizes how dumb she's being; sighs and pulls the plug.) The meeting is starting. EVERETT Oh, dear. (He takes the vacuum cleaner off stage.) PATSY We have to decide about the show. It's now or never! EVERETT You know, I just love seeing you kids perform. That's how I got started. I tap danced for ten years. PATSY Wow! I get tired after ten minutes! EVERETT (Pulling a rope and raising the curtain.)
Ever since you kids fixed this place up, I could just look at it all day. 15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You (Music Box) (We now see the AUDITORIUM. Repainted and renewed, cherubs gleaming, the place looks glorious. It's filled with the entire COMPANY (except BOBBY, ZANGLER, LANK and IRENE), sitting on chairs. There's an aisle down the middle of the chairs, and at the end of the aisle (downstage) is a table for conducting the business of the meeting. Upstage center are double doors leading to the lobby.) EVERETT It's just the way I remember it. (Pause.) I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage. (Music out.) Standing there behind the footlights THE COMPANY (Unable to contain themselves) Forget the old lady! Shut up! Enough already! TESS Would you all just shut up!!! (They quiet down - as BOBBY rushes in.) BOBBY Am I late? Have you started? CUSTUS Ya just made it. (BOBBY sits. There's an awkward pause. Then TESS gets up to try to help.) TESS All right. Now I think that Polly should be in charge of the meeting. (General agreement.) POLLY I'd rather not, if ya don't mind. I'm just not in the mood right now. BOBBY But it's your theater! (General agreement.) POLLY
Kindly tell Mr. Child that he ain't involved in this without his beard and funny moustache. TESS Hey. Fellas : BOBBY Will somebody tell Miss Baker, please, that she happened to fall in love with that moustache. POLLY Like hell I did! BOBBY You know you did. POLLY I did not! TESS : Well, this is off to a good start. POLLY I ain't havin' this meetin' with him here! BOBBY Well, you'll have to, because I'm not leaving. (They both sit. A beat, then PATSY raises her hand.) TESS Patsy. PATSY (Urgently) Can I go to the bathroom? TESS Yes. (PATSY exits in a hurry through the double doors - and runs into ZANGLER, who is just entering. ZANGLER takes a seat at the back. TESS sits; and BOBBY stands up.) BOBBY Look. The question is simple. We have two weeks left. Now do we try the show again or don't we? I say we do. (A beat, then:) Everett. What do you think? EVERETT Oh, dear. Well. You all did so much work, making this place so beautiful again : I'd really rather that we all made that decision together. Polly?
POLLY : Well. I guess that, under the circumstances, we have not choice but to give it up. (General agreement.) BOBBY (To POLLY) How can you say that?! POLLY I wasn't talkin' to you! BOBBY For God's sake -! POLLY Well, how do ya think I feel?! Huh? But we tried it once and it didn't work! BOBBY We can try it again! Polly. Just look around! It's a theater! We can still bring it back to life! (The doors at the back open, and PATSY returns. She sighs with great relief and takes her seat.) JUNIOR To tell ya the truth, I don't think I got the energy for it. MITZI It was kind of depressing, with only two people showing up. JIMMY And they didn't even come for the show! CUSTUS I think it's kind of a losin' cause, if ya ask me. THE COMPANY Me, too. That's what I think. We tried it once. (etc.) (BOBBY sighs. He can't believe it. Amidst the chatter, EUGENE and PATRICIA come forward.) PATRICIA Excuse me. Maybe we say something? EUGENE Patricia and I can see that you're all rather down in the dumps about this show of yours. But in our part of the world, we have a few sayings about this sort of thing. Stiff upper lip.
PATRICIA Carry on. EUGENE & PATRICIA Chin up! BOBBY Stiff upper lip. POLLY Carry on. EUGENE & PATRICIA Chin up! 17. Stiff Upper Lip BOBBY Stiff upper lip! EUGENE Stout fella! BOBBY Carry on EUGENE Old stuff! BOBBY Chin up! EUGENE & PATRICIA Keep muddling though! POLLY Stiff upper lip! PATRICIA Stout fella! POLLY When the going's rough! POLLY & BOBBY Pip-pip to old man trouble And a toodle-oo, too! EUGENE & PATRICIA Carry on though thick and thin If you feel you're in the right Let the fighting spirit win!
POLLY & BOBBY, EUGENE & PATRICIA Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! THE COMPANY Stiff upper lip! Stout fella! When you're in a stew! Sober or blotto, This is your motto: BOBBY, POLLY, EUGENE AND PATRICIA Keep muddling through! (Dance break. During the dance, BOBBY and POLLY start competing with each other. They try to get to the same chair; then they try to get on the table. Each time they go for the table, different members of the COMPANY beat them to it and start to dance.) POLLY AND BOBBY Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! THE COMPANY Stiff upper lip! Stout fella! When you're in a stew! (Dance break.) MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM (During dance break.) I'm bidin' my time Cause that's the kind of guy I'm There's no regrettin' When I'm settin' Bidin' my time. POLLY THE COMPANY Carry on through Chin up! Thick and thin Keep muddling through! If you feel you're Chin up! In the right Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! Let the fighting Spirit win! THE COMPANY Stiff upper lip! Stout fella! When you're in a stew! Sober or blotto, This is our motto: (Dance break.) Keep right on muddling through! Chin up!
(As the enthusiasm of the COMPANY build, the number turns into an anthem. By the end, the chairs and table have been made into a barricade. BOBBY and POLLY are at the top and a huge red flag is being waved at the back. This, of course, is meant to be reminiscent of Les Miserables.) BOBBY Okay! So how do we vote?! All in favor of trying the show again, say aye! (BOBBY, POLLY, TESS & EVERETT raise their hands.) BOBBY, POLLY, TESS & EVERETT Aye! (A beat, then BOBBY and POLLY look at each other.) CUSTUS All in favor of forgettin' about it? EVERYONE ELSE AYE! BOBBY I can't believe this! CUSTUS Well, heck, Bobby. You know it won't work. MITZI We tried it once. JUNIOR I just don't have the energy. MOOSE Why bother if nobody comes. (Everybody wanders off.) BOBBY Hey. Wait a second. What happened to stiff upper lip? Patsy? (ad lib.) (Everyone's gone, leaving BOBBY and POLLY alone at the top of the barricade. Pause.) BOBBY Well. At least we tried. POLLY We sure did.
BOBBY Sorry. POLLY It ain't your fault : Entirely. (They climb down.) BOBBY Well. So-long. POLLY : Where are ya goin'? BOBBY Back to New York. POLLY (Shocked) : You're leavin'? BOBBY Well, there's nothing to keep me her now, is there? (Pause. Music starts under for next number.) POLLY : I guess not. BOBBY I guess not. (Pause. BOBBY extends his hand and they shake.) BOBBY Thanks. POLLY What for? BOBBY A lot of fun. A few broken teeth. 18. They Can't Take That Away From Me BOBBY The way you wear your hat, The way you sip your tea, The memory of all that -No, no! They can't take that away from me! The The The No,
way way way no!
your smile just beams, you sing off key, you haunt my dreams -They can't take that away from me!
We can never, never meet again On the bumpy road to love, Still I'll always, always keep The memory of -The The The No, No!
way you hold your knife, way we danced 'til three. way you changed my life -no! They can't take that away from me! They can't take that away from me!
(BOBBY exits, She knows for ready to cry. straightening
and the music continues. POLLY is stunned. certain now that she loves him, and she's Instead, she matter-of-factly starts the chairs, as if nothing's wrong.)
19. But Not For Me POLLY They're But not A lucky But not
writing songs of love, for me: star's above, for me.
With love to lead the way, I've found more skies of gray Than any Russian play Could guarantee. I was a fool to fail! And get that way, Heigh ho! Alas! And also lackaday! Although I can't dismiss The memory of his kiss... (ZANGLER suddenly enter, trailed by TESS and some of the BOYS. POLLY remains onstage, at the side, for all of the following, but she doesn't react to it. She's too bereft. Music continues to fade.) ZANGLER This is incredible! Tessie, vhy didn't you tell me?! TESS You wouldn't listen! ZANGLER These men are vonderful! They dance! They sing! They got rhythm! TESS
I told you that! ZANGLER Okay, ve start on show this minute! (He pulls out a check fold, starts writing checks and tearing them off. Music fades out. As he writes each check, he hands it to one of the BOYS.) ZANGLER New posters. CUSTUS A thousand dollars?! ZANGLER Use picture of pretty girl. It alvays vorks. (Another check.) I want busses at junction, meeting every train! BILLY (Grabbing check.) You got it! MOOSE (Grabbing the check from BILLY.) You got it! ZANGLER (Another check.) Ve advertise in papers, all over state. WYATT In every paper? ZANGLER In this state, how many could that be? : Now I vant everybody on stage for rehearsal in ten minutes! THE BOYS Okay! You got it! ZANGLER And somebody clean up this mess. It looks like French Revolution. (The BOYS grab the chairs and table and exit.) TESS So I was right about these guys, huh? ZANGLER The cowboys? They're okay.
TESS "Okay?!" ZANGLER Tessie. I do this for you. (Pause.) TESS No kidding. (A beat, then) This isn't like you. ZANGLER I know. That's vhat vorries me. (TESS thinks about this for a beat, then exits. ZANGLER is about to follow, when he sees POLLY, and walks up to her.) ZANGLER Young lady. (She's in her own world.) Young lady. POLLY Huh? ZANGLER You are very good dancer. POLLY Thanks. ZANGLER Vhere did you learn this? POLLY : From a : friend. ZANGLER You are also good kisser. POLLY Thanks. ZANGLER By the vay, I got big news for your boyfriend. I make him star of show. (No response.) Frankly, I thought he vas moron. (No response.) Vell : he is moron. But he is talented moron. POLLY
He's gone. ZANGLER : Excuse me? POLLY He's gone. He left town. ZANGLER : You are sure of this?! (She nods her head yes.) Okay. Ve find somebody else. That's show business : You know, you could be star of show. POLLY I don't think so : (Music starts under for next number.) ZANGLER Are you all right? POLLY I'm fine. ZANGLER Good. (He exits.) 19 (cont'd)
Reprise: But Not for Me
It started of so swell, This "let's pretend." It all began so well, But what an end! The climax of a plot, Should be the marriage knot, But there's no knot for me. (The lights fade to black.) 19a. SCENE CHANGE - New Promenade (Music continues for change of scene and fades out under opening dialogue of next scene.) Scene Four Street in front f the Zangler Theater, six weeks later, about 6 o'clock in the evening. New Yorkers are passing to and fro. Then MOTHER and BOBBY enter, along with THREE MEMBERS of MOTHER'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS. BOBBY is wearing a banker's suit and is carrying a stack of unruly documents. As they enter, he's reading from the top document.
BOBBY "Event of Default is hereby defined as a breach of any affirmative or negative covenants contained in Article 5 hereof -" MOTHER (Interrupting him) We need Addendum A. BOBBY Addendum A. (He hands it to her.) MOTHER Addendum B. BOBBY Addendum B. (He hands it to her.) MOTHER Addendum C. BOBBY Addendum C. (He hands it to her.) MOTHER Now where's the Appendix? BOBBY (Pointing to his stomach, trying to lighten things up.) I think it's about here. MOTHER Bobby, you have been back here for six weeks and you haven't learned anything. BOBBY I know. MOTHER Where's your head?! BOBBY Deadrock. MOTHER I didn't ask what's in it. What's it thinking? BOBBY
Well. There's this girl : MOTHER Not again. BOBBY It's the same one. MOTHER Well, forget about her! :And remember, Bobby, whoever you marry requires my prior approval. (A beat, then) Now come over here. (She holds up a document.) I have a little surprise for you. We foreclosed on another property. (She hands it to him.) Happy Birthday. BOBBY Gee, I don't know what to : (He scans the document; not enthused.) A "Deed of Trust." Wow: MOTHER It means you own the property. BOBBY Great. Thanks. (He starts to pocket the lease. MOTHER sighs with frustration.) MOTHER Aren't you going to ask me what property? BOBBY Okay. What property? MOTHER (Indicating the Zangler Theatre.) This one. (Long pause. BOBBY looks at the theater; then at MOTHER; then back at the theater.) BOBBY You're kidding. MOTHER (Pleased with herself) The Zangler Theater. BOBBY
: I own the theater? MOTHER It's all yours. (Pause. BOBBY is stunned. His heart is racing. He touches the side of the building. It's like a dream.) BOBBY Oh, my God : MOTHER You always wanted to dance on stage. Now you have a stage to dance on. It's your toy. BOBBY Mother, you're wonderful! (He takes off his overcoat and hat, then climbs up the rain spout to the roof of the building.) MOTHER Be careful, dear. : Hopefully, this will keep you here in New York. BOBBY (Calling out to New York and everybody in it) It's mine!! (He laughs like a mad scientist.) The whole theater! Every single uncomfortable seat! MOTHER I thought you'd like it. BOBBY Like it?! This is (Then suddenly he stops cold; a though strikes him.) Wait a second. What happened to Zangler? MOTHER He couldn't meet the payments. Apparently he's wasting all his money on that silly theater in Nevada. I understand he's doing it for some woman. BOBBY (To himself) He's doing it for Tess. MOTHER I don't know her name! BOBBY (Suddenly feeling awful) Oh, my god :
MOTHER Shall we look around? (No response.) Bobby? BOBBY : I'll be right there. (MOTHER exits into the theater through the stage door with her DIRECTORS.) BOBBY (Longingly:) Polly: 20. Nice Work If You Can Get It (At which point, five of our FOLLIES GIRLS appear from nowhere and start singing. BOBBY is having another of his fantasies. The GIRLS are his conscience.) THE GIRLS The man who only live for making money Lives a life that isn't necessarily sunny; Likewise the man who works for fame -There's no guarantee that time won't erase his name The fact is The only work that really brings enjoyment Is the kind that is for girl and boy meant. Fall in love -- you won't regret it. That's the best work of all -- if you can get it. Holding hands at midnight 'Neath a starry sky... BOBBY Oh that is nice work if you can get it. THE GIRLS And you can get it -- if you try. Strolling with the one girl Sighing sigh after sigh... BOBBY Oh nice work if you can get it. THE GIRLS And you can get it -- if you try. Just imagine someone Waiting at the cottage door. ELAINE, LOUISE AND SUSIE (echo)
Waiting at the cottage door THE GIRLS Where two hearts become one... THE GIRLS AND BOBBY Who could ask for anything more? THE GIRLS Loving one who loves you, And then taking that vow... THE GIRLS AND BOBBY Nice work if you can get it, THE GIRLS And if you get it -BOBBY Won't you tell me how? THE And And And And
GIRLS you can you can you can you can
get get get get
it it it it
-----
if if if if
you you you you
try. try. try. try.
(The GIRLS disappear. Dance break. During the dance, MOTHER and her DIRECTORS come out of the theater. As BOBBY does a leap, the DIRECTORS catch him in mid-air.) MOTHER Well, you missed the tour and there's no more time now. As it is, we'll just make the meeting. (She heads off down the street - then realizes that BOBBY hasn't moved.) Bobby, come on! (MOTHER and the DIRECTORS exit.) BOBBY Holding hands at midnight 'Neath a starry sky... Nice work if you can get it And you can get it -- if you try. Strolling with the one girl Sighing sigh after sigh... Nice work if you can get it And you can get it -- if you try Who could ask for anything more?
(BOBBY dances. During the dance, BOBBY realizes that even this theater can't replace POLLY. He pulls out the Deed of Trust : makes his decision : and rips it in half, then half again, then half again : and throws the pieces away. As he exits with determination: Blackout. Music segues on applause. The opening can-can music of next number serves as the scene change music then continues for vocal.) Scene Five Main Street, Deadrock, three days later. It's the Deadrock we know, but everything about it is brighter and more prosperous. There are fairy lights around all the buildings; and the area in front of the saloon is now an outdoor cafe, with tables and umbrellas. Various COWBOYS and FOLLIES GIRLS are present in the street and as cafe customers. A brightly colored sign over the saloon says "CHEZ LANK." EUGENE and PATRICIA are sitting at one of the tables, having dinner. LANK looks quite spiffy now, with an apron on over his newly-pressed suit. IRENE is with him, her hands over his eyes. Then she surprises him by showing him the sign over the cafe. They embrace lovingly. Over the street is a banner that reads "THE ZANGLER FOLLIES". As the lights come up, the COWBOY TRIO, dressed as French waiters, enter carrying trays of champagne and glasses, singing: 21. Bidin' My Time (French Reprise) MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM Je suis bidin' mon temps Parce que c'est mon genre Et les autres s'enervent, mais Moi, je vais continuer Bidin' mon temps. L'annee prochaine, l'annee prochaine, Il se passe quelque chose Maintenant, maintenant Moi, je me repose. (At this moment, POLLY hurries out of the theater toward the General Store, with ZANGLER pursuing her. POLLY is wearing a traveling dress and carries a suitcase - and she's extremely upset. A true crisis. During the following, EVERETT enters from the theater. Accordion music continues under dialogue.) ZANGLER Miss Baker! POLLY I ain't goin' on!
ZANGLER But you are star of sow! People are vaiting inside to see you! POLLY Well, I just can't do it! I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE! NOW! EVERETT Bela POLLY Custus! EVERETT Let me talk to he. I'm sure I can take care of this. ZANGLER This is your fault! You raise prima donna! (ZANGLER exits into the theater. Music out.) EVERETT Polly, dear. What happened? (He takes her hand.) POLLY (She takes a breath; then) I want to go to New York and find Bobby. EVERETT You miss him that much? POLLY I do. EVERETT Polly POLLY Dad, it's taken me six weeks to get my courage up. It's now or never. Can ya understand that? EVERETT I think so. POLLY (Kissing him) Thanks. (CUSTUS is passing, and POLLY calls to him.) POLLY Hey, Custus! I need a ride to the station!
CUSTUS Sure. But : ain't you supposed to be onstage :? POLLY I don't have time to argue about it! The train's at eighto-five! We'll just make it! CUSTUS Okay. POLLY (As she runs out) Dad, I'll call ya when I get there! (They're gone. A beat, then ZANGLER and TESS enter from the theater.) ZANGLER Vell? EVERETT Oh, dear. TESS Where is she?! EVERETT She left for New York. She took the pick-up. ZANGLER But ve got full house!!! (PATSY, MARGIE and BETSY run on from the theater.) PATSY Mr. Zangler? I think they're getting' restless! They're throwin' fruit at the curtain! ZANGLER Betsy! Go inside! Do Polly's number! BETSY Yes, sir! (BETSY hurries into the theater. LANK, who has overhead all this, grabs ZANGLER by the lapels.) LANK Listen, Zangler! Without your show, my cafe goes down the sewer! ZANGLER I am not magician!
(During the following, BOBBY rushes into town. With all eyes on Zangler, nobody sees him for a moment.) ZANGLER (Losing it completely) I put on show in three veeks! I spend all my own money! I lose my theater in New York - ! EVERETT Hi, Bobby. EVERYONE Hi, Bobby. (A beat, then) EVERYONE :BOBBY!!! BOBBY Where's Polly?! I've got to talk to her! TESS Bobby! How did you get here?! BOBBY I came in the car. (The limousine starts to enter.) ZANGLER Vell, get back in it and go to station! (We now see that the car is being pushed down the street by MOTHER, who is wearing motoring goggles, and the CHAUFFEUR. The car has overheated, and steam is coming out of the hood.) MOTHER I am never buying another foreign car as long as I live! (EVERYONE sees the state of the car and groans. Meanwhile, BOBBY sees the banner and the rest of the town.) BOBBY Holy cow! What happened around here? ZANGLER The Zangler Follies! BOBBY (Stunned; excited) : You mean you paid off the mortgage?
EVERETT (Nodding.) We've had full houses for two weeks. The problem is Pol BOBBY Oh, my God. :. It worked! I accomplished something!!! MOTHER Bobby, show me this woman so I can go home! BOBBY I'll be right back! (He heads for the theater.) TESS Bobby, she isn't here!! (He stops.) TESS She went to New York to find you! ZANGLER (Bitterly) If stupid machine vas vorking, you could have caught her. BOBBY (A beat, then pulling off his coat and striding for the car.) All right, stand aside! I'll fix it! (He lifts the hood and starts tinkering with the engine. At which point, IRENE enters and sees MOTHER.) IRENE Lottie! MOTHER Irene! What are you doing here?! IRENE I live here. With my husband. MOTHER This is so typical! You had every chance in the world to get Bobby -! IRENE But you were against it! MOTHER Well, it would have been better than some cow-girl!!!
MOTHER IRENE You had every opportunity No wonder poor Bobby wanted to to bag him, and all you leave New York! I'm surprised did was whine about the he didn't move to Alaska -! cut of your dress - ! (EVERETT has been staring at MOTHER in adoration. As she and IRENE freeze, EVERETT sings:) 22.
Things Are Looking Up (Reprise)
EVERETT Things are looking up! It's a great little world we live in! Oh I'm happy as a pup Since love looked up at me!! Can I help you, madam? MOTHER Well, someone better -! (She sees EVERETT and stops abruptly; she looks him over and lies what she sees. As music cadences and stops) :Oh. How very kind of you: BOBBY Wish me luck! ZANGLER VAIT A SECOND!! (Silence; to EVERETT) Vill he make it?! EUGENE What time is it?! (EVERETT pulls out his watch.) EVERETT Eight-o-five. Impossible. (A beat then:) BOBBY All right, never mind! I'll catch the next train! (To the CHAUFFEUR:) Get the car on the road! I'll go wash up. CHAUFFEUR Yes, sir!
(BOBBY exits into the saloon, and the CHAUFFEUR drives the car off.) PATSY Are those two ever gonna get together? (At this moment, CUSTUS enters from the side of the General Store, followed by POLLY. EVERYONE just stares at them, open-mouthed.) POLLY I cannot believe this!! CUSTUS Would ya stop yellin'! POLLY How the hell could ya run outta gas?!! CUSTUS Well, I'm sorry! I didn't plan it that way! POLLY Well, now what do I do?! What do I do now?!! (POLLY exits into the General Store, slamming the door behind her. A beat, then:) EVERYONE :POLLY!!! (EVERYONE rushes to the General Store to get POLLY, all talking at once.) TESS WAIT A SECOND! : I have an idea! Come to me, come to me! (EVERYONE goes into a huddle so TESS can tell them her idea: buzz, buzz, buzz. Then they split up and start to head off.) PATSY :. I don't get it! (They all sigh.) TESS Back in the circle! Get back in the circle! (EVERYONE goes back into the huddle, except CUSTUS, who runs into the theater. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Then BOBBY's head appears over the doors to the saloon.) BOBBY Mother! I'll be right there!
(The huddle freezes:) TESS Go! (EVERYONE scatters in different directions, all leaving the stage. The second they're gone, we see CUSTUS hurry from behind the theater with a follies dress. He hands it off to EVERETT.) EVERETT That's the one! (EVERETT hurries with the dress into the General Store. Then BOBBY enters from the saloon. He sees that the street is empty and stops abruptly.) BOBBY : Hello? :Where is everybody?! (At which point, TESS appears on the balcony of the theater. She sings the first line, below. Then, in twos and threes and fours, more members of the COMPANY appear and take additional lines.) 23. Finale TESS Drop that long face. Come on, have your fling. MINGO, WYATT AND BILLY Why keep nursing the blues? ADD PATSY, ZANGLER AND TESS If you want this old world on a string. ADD LANK, EVERETT, THE FODORS, IRENE AND MOTHER Put on your dancing shoes -Stop wasting time! Put on your dancing shoes -THE COMPANY Watch your spirits climb! (By this time, EVERETT has brought POLLY out from behind the General Store, and is pushing her toward BOBBY, who is facing the other way. POLLY is wearing her follies dress. She taps BOBBY on the shoulder. He turns, see her.) POLLY You wanna dance, Bobby? BOBBY
Who could ask for anything more? (They embrace and kiss - then start to dance. At this point, the entire stage turns into a lavish Follies number, with POLLY and BOBBY dancing in the center, rising up into a night sky filled with stars. Stairways appear and elaborately dressed Follies Girls climb into position for a final tableau.) THE BOYS GIRLS I'm up among the stars; Oooo - Wah! On earthly things I frown. Oooo - Wah! I'm throwing off the bars I'm throwing off the bars That held me down. That held me down. THE COMPANY Who could ask for anything more?! (Applause and the music segues:) CURTAIN 23.
CURTAIN CALLS
The Boys (except MINGO, MOOSE & SAM) Let me give you the low down: I'm k-ra-zy for you. When it comes to show down -I'm k-ra-zy for you. And so, though love may not inspire my lingo. Still it's making my heart go Bango! Bingo! (Bows, all PRINCIPALS enter ,BOBBY & POLLY last.) THE COMPANY Embrace me, My sweet embraceable you, Embrace me You irreplaceable you Don't be a naughty baby; POLLY Come to Polly -BOBBY Come to Bobby -POLLY AND BOBBY Do! THE COMPANY My sweet embraceable you.
(Dance break. - the FOLLIES GIRLS enter.) THE COMPANY Old man trouble I don't mind him -You won't find him (Tap break.) I got starlight I got sweet dreams, I got my man/gal -Who could ask for anything more? Who could ask for anything more?! Who could ask for anything more?!! End of Act Two 24.
EXIT MUSIC
