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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Secrets to Skyrocket your Lover’s Desire!

INTRODUCTION

MODULE 1: STRIPPED BARE: UNDERSTANDING FEMALE SEXUAL DESIRE THE RELATIONSHIP CYCLE _____________________________________________________________ 6

In the Beginning: When Things Were Fresh and New

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In the Middle: Coming Down From Cloud Nine

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The Here and Now: What’s Missing and Why?

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Myths About Sex

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REASONS WOMEN LOSE INTEREST IN SEX ______________________________________________ 17

Lack of Emotional Intimacy

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Negative Body Image

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Lack of Sleep

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Increase in Stress

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Feelings of Inadequacy

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Painful Sex

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Vaginal Dryness

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Low Levels of Testosterone

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Health Issues

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Medications

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Age & Menopause

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What is Sexual Aversion?

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When Your Lady Needs to See a Sex Therapist

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SEXUAL DESIRE: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN __________________________ 32

Arousal: How It All Starts

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Plateau: The Best Stage of Lovemaking

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The Climax: Ecstasy or Anxiety?

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Recovery: Afterglow or Resentment?

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INTRODUCTION

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o matter if you met your lady at work, at the gym, or in a bar, chances are she couldn’t get enough of you in the beginning of your relationship. And you probably couldn’t get enough of her!

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But now…things are different. A LOT different! Although you may still have the desire to strip naked with her, she seems to have lost complete interest. This can be a real problem for you, because you are designed in more ways than one to WANT sex! But when the only woman you are supposed to have sex with turns off her own flow of sexual desire, it can leave you and your hormones feeling sexually backed up and frustrated. But I know a secret… When a woman loses interest in sex, it’s usually just a “symptom” of another problem that’s stemming from your relationship with her. Her problem is not that she doesn’t love you or has lost interest in you. Her problem is that she’s not getting something from you that she needs. There can be many reasons behind a woman’s decrease in desire for sex. But in many cases it’s the result of one or two of her most important emotional needs not being met by the man in her life. The problem is that many men don’t know what needs are most important to their lady. For a majority of men, sex is their most important emotional need. But for women, it’s something entirely different. It’s not uncommon for a man to try to meet the needs of his lady based on his own needs and values. And many women are guilty of the same when it comes to how they approach meeting the needs of their men.


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INTRODUCTION 4


But the needs of men and women are quite often entirely different. This means more times than not, men end up wasting their precious time and effort on trying to meet a need that’s important to themselves—not women!

After reading this book, you will no longer be able to claim “ignorance” as your excuse for not meeting the needs of your lady. And if you’re hoping there’s one simple thing you can do to increase your lady’s sexual desire, then this book is not After reading this book, you for you. There’s a lot more to increasing a will no longer be able to woman’s desire for sex than touching her claim “ignorance” as your here or licking her there (although that is part of the process!). That might get your desire excuse for not meeting the for sex flowing, but it won’t work for your needs of your lady. lady—at least not all by itself. Increasing a woman’s desire for sex takes some skill—skill in caring for the woman you committed yourself to love. Good intentions won’t cut it either! You will have to do some work. But your lady is worth it, right? After all, you are reading this book. So you’re already on the right track. The purpose of this book is to help teach you what needs are most important to your woman and how to go about meeting those needs. Once you learn these important lessons and put them into action, your lady won’t be able to help but find you irresistible—a condition that is essential to increasing her sexual desire! So sit back and relax as we explore together what women are really all about and what you can do to get your lady’s sexual engine revving like it did in the beginning!


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STRIPPED BARE: UNDERSTANDING FEMALE SEXUAL DESIRE

THE RELATIONSHIP CYCLE

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o matter if you have been with your girlfriend for 2 years or married to your wife for 15, every intimate relationship has a cycle. The longer you stay together, the more of the cycle you will experience. Some parts are great; some parts are not so great. But what’s important to know is that every part of the cycle is “normal.”

So when it comes to your lady’s decreased sexual desire, don’t take it personally. Instead, look at it as a very normal part of any long-term relationship and learn from it. Because the more you learn about relationships and your woman, the more successful you will be at finding ways to increase your lady’s desire for both sex and YOU! IN THE BEGINNING: WHEN THINGS WERE FRESH AND NEW It all started by falling in love. You anticipated each other’s text messages, emails and phone calls. You craved each other’s touch. And you found each other’s little personal habits ADORABLE! Falling in love was easy. It might have even been 100% spontaneous— love at first sight! Neither of you had to do anything. It just happened; completely out of your control and in the hands of fate.

The more you learn about relationships and your woman, the more successful you will be at finding ways to increase your lady’s desire for both sex and You!

As days turned into weeks, your bond grew. You trusted each other without question. Neither of you could do wrong. And you spent every moment you could with each other—going on numerous dates—to dinner, the movies, shows, dance clubs, and maybe even an intimate www.GabrielleMoore.com

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weekend getaway for two. As your relationship moved from one level to the next, there came a day when the two of you shared the most intimate of bonds—you made love! From that moment on, sex was all you wanted to do with each other. Neither of you could get enough. The sex was hot, horny and fun!

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The beginning—it’s the one and only time in a relationship where hormones are running wild, everything is fresh and exciting, and sexual desire is at its peak.

Over the following weeks, your immense sexual desire for one another continued. Not only did you find yourself wanting to rip her clothes off as soon as you had a private moment together, she was just as sexually assertive with you. She might have even enticed you from time to time by whispering in your ear, “I’m not wearing any panties.”

The beginning—it’s the one and only time in a relationship where hormones are running wild, everything is fresh and exciting, and sexual desire is at its peak. IN THE MIDDLE: COMING DOWN FROM CLOUD NINE As time passes, those wild and passionate feelings you once had for each other begin to settle. The euphoria fades and everything that was once new is now part of everyday life. Gradually, the phone calls, text messages and emails lessen. Touching each other doesn’t have the same effect as it once did. And you find each other’s little personal habits ANNOYING! You still love each other, but it’s not always easy. Not only have you gotten your first argument out of the way, you’ve continued to argue. The reality of life takes precedent in both of your lives once again. Because of work and other responsibilities, making time for each other isn’t a priority like it used to be. If you go on a date, it’s usually the same www.GabrielleMoore.com

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old thing—perhaps dinner and a movie. Conversations are getting difficult, as it seems everything has already been said. When out at a restaurant together, you find watching a game on a nearby TV easier than engaging in a conversation with your lady.

As months turn into years, you may have gotten married and had a child or two. As a result, time with ALTHOUGH SEX MIGHT GET HOT each other is spread very thin. You can’t remember AND STEAMY HERE AND THERE, the last time you spent a weekend alone together. FOR THE MOST PART, THE ENTIRE When you come home from work, your wife is not in PROCESS IS VERY ROUTINE. the best of moods. All she seems to do is complain about how little time she has for herself and how she needs you to help out more with the kids and around the house. Sex is not as frequent (if at all). Although you’re not all over your wife or girlfriend like you were in the beginning, you find yourself still wanting to have sex more often than she does. When you approach her for sex, she often shoots you down, saying she’s tired or not in the mood. On those rare occasions when she gives into your requests, sex isn’t anything like it used to be. Although sex might get hot and steamy here and there, for the most part, the entire process is very routine. She just doesn’t seem to desire sex like she used to. As a result, sex is rarely hot, horny or fun. Often times you feel like the only reason she agrees to having sex with you is because she feels like she has to—not because she wants to. The beginning and middle stages of a relationship as described above are all part of the natural cycle of just about every longterm, intimate relationship. Although the symptoms of the middle stages of a relationship can vary from couple to couple, every couple experiences a dramatic difference between the beginning stages of their relationship and the somewhat boring, less passionate middle stages. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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It’s usually somewhere in the middle stages of a relationship that a woman will begin to lose interest in sex. And as a man who still has an instinctive desire for sex, this can create a significant problem for you—especially when you find yourself still madly in love with your lady. Some men begin to feel rejected by their female partner. As a result, insecurity, frustration, and anger begin to set in. This can often times result in arguments, which creates more tension between you and your lady. And as you probably know, if you’re lady is the slightest bit upset with you, you’re better off making a date with yourself than asking your lady for sex. As you reflect back to the euphoria the both of you once shared in the beginning in your relationship, you may wonder what happened. How did things get to where they are now? Why is it that she’s not interested in sex anymore? Is it you? Is it her?

It’s usually somewhere in the middle stages of a relationship that a woman will begin to lose interest in sex.

Why

If only there was a way to go back to how things used to be… Well, guess what? You can!

THE HERE AND NOW: WHAT’S MISSING AND WHY?

So here you are, now. You want sex, but she’s not in the mood. It’s a common complaint that many men share, especially of men in long-term relationships. And all too often men rush to the same question: “What can I do to increase her desire for sex?”

There’s a lot you can do to get your wife or girlfriend interested in sex again. And what you can or should do depends a lot on your woman. But there’s one very important thing that EVERY man must do first. You must find out the “why.” Why did your wife or girlfriend lose interest in sex?

Although there may be more than one answer to that question, it’s important to know that her loss of interest in sex is not because she has lost interest in you or because she finds you less attractive. More times than not, a woman will still find her man attractive and love him very much even when he’s grown a beer gut and lost most of his hair. This is why it’s so important to find out the reasons behind your partner’s lack of interest in sex. If she had a desire to have sex with you in the past and she still loves you and finds you attractive, then there’s something else behind her lack of desire—something that can likely be fixed.


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Before we move forward, let’s get something straight right here and now. No matter how sexually frustrated you may be right now, the answer to your sexual dilemma does NOT lie outside of your relationship. The answer lies within it!

Could you easily find someone else to have sex with? Yes, you could. And for a while all of your sexual needs would be met. But even if you found someone new to develop an entirely new relationship with, it would just be a matter of time before the relationship cycle would run its course and you would be straight back to where you are right here and now—in a relationship with a woman who desires less sex than you. Make no mistake about it. Sexual desire is not a mystery. This means there are specific things you can do to increase your woman’s sexual desire. But if you are like most men, you probably haven’t a clue how to go about it. But now you’re going to learn!

It’s often that warm and fuzzy emotional side that’s at SEXUAL DESIRE IS NOT A MYSTERY. the root of a woman’s lack of desire for sex. She worries too much about what you think about her. She holds grudges if you say, do, or even look at her the wrong way. She even gets mad at you when you do absolutely nothing. She finds it hard to tell you that you’re not quite doing it for her in bed. In that respect, she’s head of the class when it comes to being caring and polite, but has flunking grades when it comes to sexual desire and enjoyment. Women have a tendency to take everyWomen have a tendency to thing their mother, friends, church, and take everything their mother, past lovers have said to them straight to friends, church, and past lovers bed with them. Even the neighbors get taken into consideration if she worries have said to them straight to they will hear you during your attempted bed with them. Saturday afternoon of lustful sex. Hell, even if the cat wanders in and looks at her the wrong way, she can lose her ability to have an orgasm. A bit ridiculous? Yes, it is. But like it or not, that’s how many women tend to be wired. A woman’s disinterest in sex typically falls into one of two categories: permanent or temporary. The more permanent problems are usually those that require professional help to resolve. For these women, sex is something they have rarely ever enjoyed and they only have it when they feel like they have to.


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Sex rarely arouses or satisfies them. In such cases, there are usually much deeper psychological issues at play. For these women, sexual intercourse can often feel like they are being violated. As a result, they will often divorce themselves from the act of sex, doing their best to pretend it’s happening to someone else instead of himself or herself.

These more permanent issues are often the result of a woman having a past traumatic sexual experience or being brought up in a strict religious setting. They can also be due to her developing a sexual aversion as a result of associating negative emotions from continuously bad sexual experiences over a long period of time. No matter what the reason, many of these women need assistance from a sex therapist or other professional counselor to overcome their difficult psychological challenges. Many problems that women experience with sex, however, fall more into the temporary category. At one point or another, all women have found the idea of having sex about as appealing as cleaning the toilet. The lifestyle of today’s typical woman isn’t always conducive to having great sex. Overloaded schedules leave many women feeling tired, stressed, unhealthy, and unattractive. Anytime she isn’t feeling sexy or in the mood, sex is out of the question. Fatigue and stress are known to affect female hormones, so much that it can block hormones MANY PROBLEMS THAT WOMEN responsible for providing a woman with a libido and EXPERIENCE WITH SEX, FALL MORE increase others that make her irritable and anxious. INTO THE TEMPORARY CATEGORY. Certain medications can also affect a woman’s sex drive. Antidepressants, something that has grown in popularity among women over the years, can make a woman feel great from the waist up but completely numb from the waist down (sexually speaking of course). A woman’s relationship with her man is the most common culprit, however. Although she could be displeased with her man in the bedroom, a woman’s sex slump isn’t usually just about sex: it’s a sign that some of her most important needs aren’t getting met through her relationship. Any problem a woman


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experiences with her man outside of the bedroom is guaranteed to eventually filter into the bedroom—especially if it’s a continuous problem that goes unfixed.

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The good news about the more temporary issues women have with sex is that they can be resolved. However, in order for that to happen, the man in her life has to be a willing and able participant. In fact, he’s really the only one Any problem a woman experiences who can solve the problem for his lady. with her man outside of the Although it won’t happen overnight, with continuous thought, effort, underbedroom is guaranteed to standing and patience from the man eventually filter into the bedroom in her life, a woman can get back the desire for sex that she once had. So if you’re lady’s desire for sex has been lacking but it hasn’t always been that way, take a deep breath, blow it out, and find comfort in knowing that this problem can be fixed. You aren’t doomed to sex-starved life. In fact, if you follow all of the steps in this book religiously, you can actually create enough sexual desire within your woman that you might actually find yourself having to turn her down from time to time! No matter if your woman’s problem falls into the temporary or permanent category, the first steps of action you need to take are as follows: DON’T BE NEGATIVE. If you accuse her of being frigid or lying there like a dead fish, you’ll cause her to retreat even further. So do the opposite. Lift her self-esteem and shower her with compliments (sexual and otherwise). Tell her you don’t mind cuddling if that’s what feels best to her. During times you feel frustrated, do what you do best—masturbate! DON’T PRESSURE HER INTO HAVING SEX. Pressuring your lady to

have sex with you when she doesn’t feel like it will only make her want to avoid it more. Remove the pressure by making it clear to her that you will never get upset with her or offended if she turns down sex. If getting angry is what you’ve typically done in the past, let her know those days are over and never do it again! DISCUSS THE ISSUE WITH HER. Find some quiet time to have a talk with your lady about her lack of sexual desire. Tell her you’ve


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noticed that she doesn’t seem very interested in sex lately (or always). Ask her why, and be sure she knows you are only trying to get some answers, not make her feel bad. Ask her some pointed questions: Is she tired or do your methods need some improvement? Does she want more foreplay? Would a sensual massage help?

PROVIDE HER WITH SUPPORT IF HER LACK OF INTEREST IS DUE TO A PAINFUL PAST. Let your lady know you understand. Tell her you

understand how painful it must be for her. Encourage her to talk to a counselor who specializes in sexual problems in women. Be sure not to force her to tell you every sordid detail about her experience. But let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk. Never judge her, and do your best to avoid offering her advice. Just listen and provide her with lots of nonsexual hugs. TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. She’ll never tire of hearing you say “I love

you.” And a woman who feels loved and secure will be more likely to relax and trust enough to allow you to satisfy her deepest desires.

Just as exercising and eating right can help keep you strong and healthy, there are a variety of things you can do in your relationship to help keep your lady’s desire for sex strong and healthy. Just keep in mind that increasing her sexual desire won’t happen overnight. It’s going to take a lot of time, effort and understanding. But that’s not all it’s going to take. It’s also going to take lots of WISDOM!


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So let’s start by taking a look at a few misconceptions many men have about sex and the real truth behind these sexual myths.

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MYTHS ABOUT SEX Some of the things we get told and believe about sex and our bodies as we grow up can be very funny. I remember a girlfriend of mine telling me that if a man doesn’t use his erection his balls will hurt for hours. You yourself were probably told at one point in your life that if a man masturbates too much, he’ll go blind. Penises have bones in them. Women take the pill vaginally. You can use a plastic sandwich bag as a condom. Men with big feet or big noses have big penises. It’s all quite silly when you think about it. Yet, there are still many sexual misconceptions that both men and women believe are true to this day. Some myths about sex are simply outdated, reflecting changes in morals and values within our society. People change, times change, and even what we once thought were facts change at times when new evidence presents itself. But what remains quite amazing is this: with sex being one of man’s greatest obsessions, most people are surprisingly naïve when it comes to sorting fact from fiction. So let’s take a look at a few of the biggies and dispel these sexual myths from your belief system once and for all. MYTH #1: YOU HAVE TO BE THIN AND PHYSICALLY FIT TO BE SEXUALLY DESIRABLE.

Not only is this belief not true, not only do women not have the foggiest idea on what men find attractive, men don’t know what women find attractive either. While you’re at the gym trying to do your best to measure up to Mr. Muscles working out beside you, studies show that women consistently rate a sense of humor and a nice smile as far more appealing than a man with a rock-hard stomach. Even if a man or woman gets to have sex with the best looking guy or gal in their zip code, sex rarely lives up to the fantasy of it all. That’s because quite often, a beautiful person’s self-image often revolves around their physical appearance (and that’s usually all they get complimented on). This can make those who are amazingly beautiful tense, insecure, and inhibited in bed. Knowing only how to be admired by their looks, they have to keep up their physical appearance and look good at all times. This can become boring very quickly! And when it comes to sex, which can be sweaty, and messy (even unflattering during some of the www.GabrielleMoore.com

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best sexual times!), being with someone who is worried about how they look all the time would take a hell of a lot of fun out of it!

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SEX MYTH #2: SEX IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Couples can only spend so much time in a relationship having sex. So if you love someone for more than just sex, you have no choice but to relate to each other on other levels. Sex is, indeed, a very important part of a relationship. However, most people (including men) have other needs, usually divided equally between (1) sexual needs, (2) mental needs (keeping the brain stimulated), (3) emotional needs (loving others and being loved by others), and (4) spiritual needs (connecting with other people or a higher being). When you look at it this way, although sex tends to be a man’s number one need, it still accounts for only 25% of what he needs in life to be happy. Based on a variety of surveys and studies on relationACCORDING TO THE KINSEY ships, approximately 20% of men believe that mindINSTITUTE NEW REPORT ON SEX, blowing sex is “crucial,” whereas the other 80% look UNSATISFACTORY SEX ISN’T EVEN A at it as “the icing on the cake” of a healthy relationMAJOR CAUSE OF DIVORCE ship. According to the Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex, unsatisfactory sex isn’t even a major cause of divorce (even though it tends to be high on the list of complaints for many men). Experts tend to agree that when sex is good, or even just okay, it’s given the same importance we place on things such as shared interests, love, and trust. It’s when the sex is bad that sex becomes the focus of the relationship and destroys everything else. SEX MYTH #3: MOST COUPLES HAVE GREAT SEX MOST OF THE TIME.

“Debbie and I have sex every day,” your best bud reveals after a couple of beers. Why does everyone else’s sex life appear to be better than yours? It could be because you’re at different stages of your relationships. You can’t compare sex from a six-month relationship to a six-year-been-there-done-that relationship. Our nervous system is designed to become desensitized to things that we routinely receive stimulation from. That’s not to say that long-term sex can’t be as pleasing—it’s just different. If you and your lady know all the right buttons to push with each other (and you should after all that practice!), orgasm is often guaranteed and sex can still be very loving and passionate.


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But cut-your-leg-off-to-get-it, out-of-this-world, rampant lust every night, after years of sharing the same bed? Possible, but my guess is that you wouldn’t be able to hold down a job with the amount of energy it would take you to sustain such a sex life.

Real life and all its stressors get in the way and many couples are just too tired to have sex at various stages in their life (new job, kids, or trying to keep your head above water through a rough patch). So why is it that your brother still has mindshattering sex after seven years of marriage? It could be because he thinks you have a great sex life and doesn’t want to admit he doesn’t. Or the sex he does have, even if it’s once a month, is terrific, and that’s what stands out in his head the most. It’s all-subjective. SEX MYTH #4: THE AVERAGE COUPLE HAS SEX TWO TO THREE TIMES A WEEK.

It’s so easy to forget that an average statistic is just that—an average. When it comes to the statistics on how many times couples have sex each week on average, the statistic was derived from researchers who lumped in the couple who dirty the sheets three times a day with George and Ida, who manage to bump wrinkles once a year, and other couples who fall somewhere in between. They then added up their weekly totals and averaged them together. A couple could have sex every day for a month, then completely abstain from sex for the next two months and still make the average. Factor in that many couples don’t have sex while the woman is on her period, most couples don’t have sex when their tired, sick, or arguing, as well as the fact that many couples have sex “three times more” while on vacation together, you can probably see just how hard it is to be Mr. and Mrs. Sex Average. SEX MYTH #5: IF THE NEIGHBORS CAN’T HEAR YOU, YOU’RE NOT HAVING FUN.

Some people yell their heads off during football games, while others quietly wave a banner or a foam finger—that doesn’t mean one is enjoying themselves more than the other. While it’s great if your woman makes noise during sex, how much noise a woman makes during sex is all dependent on her personality. Contrary to belief, for many women, reaching orgasm is often a quiet process that involves a great deal of concentration. This is because she has to stay focused on the sensations that eventually bring her to orgasm. So when


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she finally reaches climax, she typically won’t throw away all that hard work by screaming it out for the entire neighborhood to hear. The same is true for men. Some are quiet achievers, where others hoot and holler when they score that final touch down! MYTH #6: SIZE DOESN’T MATTER; IT’S HOW YOU USE IT THAT COUNTS.

So what’s the truth on this one? Does size matter? The answer is yes and no. The saying should go, “Size doesn’t matter; it’s how you compensate for it that counts.” Meaning, if you’re an inch or two under the average, chances are she hasn’t noticed and doesn’t really care. But if you’re talking really small, you can “use it” all you like, but no matter how much you thrust and pump, it probably won’t be the best penetration a woman has ever experienced. However, the little guy who is extraordinarily talented when it comes to oral sex and foreplay won’t have many problems pleasing his woman in bed. On the contrary, the DOES SIZE MATTER? THE ANSWER IS guy hung like a mule will cause his woman pain and YES AND NO. discomfort if he relies solely on the size of his penis during sex. So? Did you learn anything? Considering you are reading a book about how to increase your woman’s sexual desire, my guess is that you did. And that’s great! Because that’s what this book is all about—learning all you can about sex and women so that you will know just how to go about helping your woman to want to have sex more often. Which brings us to our next topic: Reasons that cause women to become disinterested in sex.

REASONS WOMEN LOSE INTEREST IN SEX

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hether it’s one reason or multiple reasons, finding out what’s behind your woman’s lack of desire for sex is the key to knowing just how to go about fixing the problem. So let’s begin by taking a look at some of the most common reasons women lose interest in sex over the course of a normal relationship.

LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY For a woman, sex equates to emotional intimacy. If a woman does not feel emotionally connected with her partner, then she will not want to have sex with him. For example, many men can have an argument with their wives, yet still


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jump into the sack even with unresolved feelings. But women are much different. If a woman is upset with her man due to an argument or any other reason, the last thing she will want to do is have sex with him.

If you are nodding your head in agreement right now, then good for you! At least you recognize the difference between males and females in this respect. But how much you understand may be an entirely different story. Think about it. In the beginning of your relationship with your woman, you gave her A LOT of attention. IT’S OKAY. EVERYONE IS GUILTY She was all you could think about. All you wanted OF GETTING COMFORTABLE IN A to do with your time. She was the only woman that RELATIONSHIPEVEN WOMEN. captured your interest. You dated her, maybe even surprised her with flowers and small gifts for no reason. You commented quite frequently how hot she was and how much she turned you on. But as time went on, she became less of a focal point for you. You found yourself wanting to spend more time with your friends or at work.

Maybe now you have a few drinks with your buddies on Fridays or get together on the weekends to watch football. Now you only buy your lady flowers and gifts on special occasions. You still find her incredibly attractive, but you don’t tell her anywhere near as much as you did early on in your relationship—maybe only when you are looking for some lovin’ from her. Even worse, there’s been a few times when she’s caught you checking out other women as they pass by (shame on you!). Sound familiar? It’s okay. Everyone is guilty of getting comfortable in a relationship—even women. We all do it. It’s all part of human nature (and yes, we look at other men, too). But when it starts to affect your relationship, then perhaps you’ve let things become “too” comfortable for “too” long. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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Out of all the reasons we will discuss, lack of emotional intimacy is one of the main culprits for a lack in sexual desire for women. So be sure to listen and learn when it comes to this problem. It’s very important! In fact, it’s so important that a majority of what we will discuss about what you can do to increase your woman’s sexual desire will be focused around this issue. However, that doesn’t mean you should skip over all of the other reasons. As I mentioned before, a woman’s lack of sexual desire can be the result of more than one issue. Your job is to find out each and every one of your woman’s reasons so that you can address them accordingly. Just because you resolve one problem doesn’t mean it’s going to increase her desire to have sex with you, because there could be other unresolved issues that are just as important.

NEGATIVE BODY IMAGE Just as some men get comfortable in life and let themselves go a bit—adding on a few pounds here and there—women are no different (especially after having kids). The difference, however, is that women have been taught by society what “pretty” and “sexy” look like. The messages are all over the various forms of media, such as magazines, TV, Internet, etc. Even if you think your lady is hot, if she doesn’t think she looks like those sexy women she sees on the front of fashion magazines or the beautiful actress on your favorite TV show or new hit movie, she can easily become self-conscious about her image—especially if she’s gained a few pounds since your time together. So it’s not just your opinion of her physical appearance that matters—it’s just as much her own. In fact, a woman can be her own worst critic!

It’s not just your opinion of her physical appearance that matters—it’s just as much her own.

If a woman is feeling unattractive, this can interfere with her desire for sex. If a woman is not happy with her body image, she will wonder about how her husband or boyfriend perceives her body, often times thinking he sees her the same way she sees herself. As a result, those negative thoughts and feelings often get rolled over into her sex life. Although this is more due to her feeling embarrassed and somewhat ashamed of her appearance, she will often project her own feelings onto her husband and boyfriend and assume he feels the same. It can actually be a vicious cycle. Many men have a hard time understanding this part of women because this behavior www.GabrielleMoore.com

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is not typical for men. But that’s because society isn’t as focused on the physical appearance of men.

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Take one of today’s common beer commercials. Quite often the men portrayed in such commercials are very average looking, some even a bit nerdy. But when it comes to the women portrayed in the commercials, especially if it’s a woman the men are interested in or dating, she’s usually quite attractive by society’s so-called “standards.” This is just one of many reasons that could be swirling around inside your lady’s head. And if you happen to be one of those guys who has a wandering eye for the ladies, take special note of this reason, as your behavior may be providing fuel for your lady’s negative self-image!

LACK OF SLEEP It’s not uncommon these days for women to have multiple roles and responsibilities. If your wife or girlfriend works, has children, and takes care of you and the house, chances are she’s TIRED! Even if she doesn’t work outside the home or clean up as much as you’d like, if she was looking after small children all day long, she’s still TIRED! Fatigue can take its toll on a body. And if a woman is being pulled in various directions and not getting enough rest, her need for sleep is going to take priority over sex. It’s no different than if you go without eating for a lengthy period of time. There comes a point where finding food takes priority over everything else. That’s just how our bodies are programmed—it’s a self-protective mechanism. If you are one of those guys who approaches his wife or girlfriend for sex at the end of the day when you’re both in bed ready to go to sleep, your chance of getting shot down is very high. Although it may be your own busy day or daily routine that causes you to wait until you are both in bed for the evening before approaching your lady for sex, if she has multiple duties that she has tended to that day, having a moment’s peace to herself and sleeping is most likely all that’s on her mind—not sex!


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It’s very important to think about the time of day that you approach your wife or girlfriend for sex, especially if you are being rejected quite often. When are you pursuing her or asking her for sex? If it’s at night, then her being tired from the day could be a reason for her lack of sexual desire.

One thing you will learn later is that a woman’s sexual desire does not work the same as a man’s desire for sex does. So her choosing to relax and sleep over having sex with you is nothing personal. She’s just programmed that way. But don’t get discouraged. There are ways around this, which we will discuss later.

INCREASE IN STRESS Stress is very common in the lives of both men and women. For men, sex can be an outlet for high levels of stress. But when a woman is experiencing a high level of stress due to work, the kids, her relationship with you, or some other reason, sex will quite often move to the end of her list. This is because when a woman’s mind is preoccupied with other things, especially stressful things, she will typically not entertain the thought of having sex. Some of that has to do with hormones and her emotional wiring. So take some time to think about what’s going on in your wife or girlfriend’s life right now. Has she been THERE ARE MANY SITUATIONS THAT preoccupied with work? Did she start a new job? Are CAN CAUSE STRESSEVEN HAPPY the two of you having any financial difficulties? Has she EVENTS. experienced a death in the family or of a close friend within the last year? Did the two of you become new parents in the last few months? Has there been any type of emotional discord between the two of you recently? How about between her and someone else in the family? Has she or a family member experienced any health problems of late? There are many situations that can cause stress—even happy events. If you are newlyweds or recently moved in together, she could be experiencing some stress due to the adjustment period that most couples go through when they first begin living in the same house with one another. Having a new baby can also be extremely stressful on a woman—no matter how much she wanted to have one! If she just started the job of her dreams, this could be another source of stress for her, as she wants to do well and live up to everyone’s expectations. Any type of situation that causes intense feelings, whether positive or negative, can create some form of stress. So can situations that require some form of adjustment—such as marriage, having a new baby, and starting a new job. So make sure to evaluate what’s going on in your lady’s life right now and see


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if there is anything that might be a source of stress for her. If there is, chances are this is distracting her from and interfering with her desire for sex.

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FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY Men aren’t the only ones who have feelings of sexual inadequacy. Women often experience the same thoughts and feelings too. As a result, if a woman feels she is not able to please you or meet your sexual needs, she may avoid having sex so she can keep from feeling her unpleasant feelings.

If you suspect that your lady may be feeling sexually inadequate for any reason, pay attention to the things she says. Many women will make certain comments that hint to their feelings of inadequacy, often disguised as a joke.

The things you say to your wife or girlfriend before, during, and after sex with her are crucial. If you have ever complained about something she did or didn’t do, or if you tend to do a little too much directing during sex, this could be causing your lady to feel somewhat inadequate in bed. Another common issue that can give rise to feelings of inadequacy is your “lack of rise.” In other words, if you have problems getting it up, this could be playing havoc with your lady’s thoughts and feelings. She might think it’s because you don’t find her attractive. As men get older, the plumbing doesn’t always function as well as it used to. Getting an erection and maintaining an erection can be a challenge at times. Ejaculation can also be difficult at times. This is particularly a problem for men who try to last longer and end up holding it too long. The longer a man goes without ejaculating, the lesser the sensitivity. This can cause a man to have to stop without ejaculating, which many women are not used to. It can often times be a double-edged sword, because as you get older, the more problems a man can encounter. And the more problems he encounters, the more the woman begins to feel inadequate. If you suspect that your lady may be feeling sexually inadequate for any reason, pay attention to the things she says. Many women will make certain comments that hint to their feelings of inadequacy, often disguised as a joke. So the next time you have sex, listen to what she says (and watch what you say). If she jokes by saying something about her just not “doing it” for you anymore or that you should “trade her in for a younger model” or if she shows any type of frustration


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towards you because of something you asked her to do or not do during sex or because you didn’t perform the way she was expecting (lack of erection, failure to ejaculate, etc.), these are all telltale signs that these things are messing with your lady’s head and that she’s feeling inadequate about her sexual performance and your own sexual desire for her.

PAINFUL SEX

Just about every woman has let out an occasional “Ouch!” while having sex, particularly when trying out a new sex position that involves deep penetration. But if your lady is complaining of pain on a regular basis, it could be a warning sign that something else is wrong.

VAGINAL DRYNESS IS ONE OF THE MOST COMMON CAUSES OF PAINFUL SEX.

The medical term for painful intercourse is dyspareunia. The pain can vary from woman to woman, with it being deep and achy, a sharp twinge, or intensely painful. The pain can be selective, meaning it only hurts at certain times, or constant, hurting all the time. The causes of pain during sex for a woman vary. It can be the result of an infection, vaginal dryness, constipation, an STD, a urinary tract infection, a disorder of the reproductive system (such as endometriosis), a urinary tract infection (such as cystitis), or plain old clumsy or rough technique on the man’s part. Vaginal dryness is one of the most common causes of painful sex. Stress, fatigue, her menstrual cycle, age, and a million and one other things can affect a woman’s natural lubricant! The best solution for this is to ensure adequate lubrication. A man can do this naturally by providing his woman with more foreplay. When that doesn’t work, you can use a water-based lubricant before any kind of penetration. However, if vaginal dryness is not the problem, your lady could be suffering from a more serious medical issue as listed above. If this is the case, encourage her to seek medical attention. VAGINAL DRYNESS Many women, especially as they get older, have trouble with vaginal dryness. This is a natural process that women experience as they age. It is caused by the change in their hormone levels. Menopausal women tend to experience this problem the most.


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Vaginal dryness can make sex uncomfortable and even painful for a woman. As a result, she may avoid having sex just so she can avoid experiencing the pain that comes along with it.

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This, combined with a decline in the hormones that used to charge her sex drive, can severely impact a woman’s desire for sex. Whether or not your woman has told you of her problem or complained of pain or discomfort while having sex depends on how comfortable she is talking about these types of things with you. If the two of you don’t typically talk about sex, then she may be keeping this from you. However, if your woman is lacking in vaginal lubrication, you should be able to tell, as you would have some difficulty penetrating her. If you find her self-lubricating with her own saliva or if you find you have to add saliva to achieve penetration, or if your woman clenches or winces when you penetrate her, these can all be signs of vaginal dryness. Even if your wife or girlfriend is young, she can still experience vaginal dryness at certain times during each month. This is due to her everchanging levels of hormones responsible for her menstrual cycle. Her hormones levels are what dictate when her body is to ovulate and lubricate, as well as when to start and stop her period. Right around her time of ovulation is when a woman’s vagina is most lubricated (and also when she is most likely to get pregnant). And about a week before her period is the time when she is the least lubricated. Regardless of age, every woman is different. Some have issues with vaginal dryness, while others don’t. It’s very important that you know what’s going on with your lady when it comes to this issue. If there is a problem, you can address it by introducing a personal lubricant. But the only way you will know for sure is to talk to her about it.

LOW LEVELS OF TESTOSTERONE Just like men, women have testosterone. And just like men, testosterone can affect a woman’s sex drive. Although testosterone levels are much lower in a woman, her levels peak in her mid 20s. After that, her testosterone level slowly


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decreases until she reaches menopause, at which time her levels take a major nosedive.

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If your wife or girlfriend is getting up there in age, her lack of testosterone could be interfering with her desire for sex. Just like you, your woman’s desire for sex has a lot to do with her hormones. Whether you realize it or not, it’s the testosterone that runs through your veins that creates much of your own desire for sex. If something were to happen to your testosterone level to where it dropped significantly, you would lose interest in sex, as well as have difficulties getting and/or maintaining an erection. You would have no control over this, either. So keep this in mind when you find yourself If your wife or girlfriend is wanting to complain about your lady’s lack of getting up there in age, sexual desire. She could very well be experiencing a decline in her own testosterone levels, her lack of testosterone among other hormones—something she has could be interfering with no control over and isn’t doing on purpose. her desire for sex. The good news is that there are some forms of medical treatment out there that your lady can try. So if you suspect this is a problem for your lady, encourage her to discuss the issue with her doctor. Again, this is another area where talking to your wife or girlfriend is important. If the two of you have a great relationship and she is happy and everything seems perfect other than her desire for sex, then her hormones could be what are putting a damper on her desire for sex. If she openly admits that she’s happy but just doesn’t have a desire to have sex, she just may be telling you the truth. The key to finding out if this is a problem or not is open communication.

HEALTH ISSUES In addition to a change in hormone levels, there are many other female-related medical issues that can interfere with a woman’s sex drive, including psychological disorders, depression, problems with her menstrual cycle, endometriosis, and thyroid disorders, to name a few. Not only can these affect a woman physically, but also mentally. It’s very important to know what’s going on with your wife both physically and psychologically. If you suspect a problem, talk to her about it and encourage her to seek medical attention in hopes to find a solution to the issue at hand.


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Unfortunately, if your wife or girlfriend is suffering from some type of health issue, you will not be able to increase her desire for sex until the issue is resolved. Your encouragement, understanding and support are what she needs most. By putting her needs over yours, you can rest assured that once her problem is properly treated, she will be very appreciative of all that you did for her during her time of need. And if your sex life was suffering as a result of her medical issue, she will be as anxious as you to get things back on track for the sake of your relationship.

MEDICATIONS If your wife or girlfriend suffers from depression and takes an antidepressant medication as a form of treatment, this could be interfering with her desire for sex. Medications that lower blood pressure, as well as birth control pills is also known to lower a woman’s sex drive in various ways, as they can affect blood flow and decrease testosterone levels.

Medications that lower blood pressure, as well as birth control pills is also known to lower a woman’s sex drive in various ways

If you are not sure what types of medications your wife or girlfriend is taking, then you need to do a bit of investigating. You can start by asking her. If she asks you why you want to know, just tell her that you feel it’s important to know in case if there is ever a medical emergency. If she was ever rushed to the hospital in an unconscious state, one of the first things the doctor will need to know are what types of medication she is on. That’s because doctors know that certain medications can have an adverse reaction with other medications that they may need to administer. Depression is quite common among women. There are commercials for all types of antidepressant medications on TV nowadays. Although they can help lift a person out of depression, one of their common side effects is a decrease in sexual desire and/or performance. This holds true for both women and men. So if your lady is on an antidepressant, think back to when her lack of sexual desire began. Is there a correlation? As a responsible and loving partner, it’s your job to know what’s going on with your lady. If there is an underlying medical issue, the best thing you can do is support her and encourage her to seek treatment.


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AGE & MENOPAUSE

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As a woman ages, many changes take place in her body, both inside and out. Many of these changes can affect a woman’s desire for sex. Menopause is a very common reason for lack of interest in sex. This is due to a significant decrease in the various female hormone levels. These hormones are directly related to a woman’s sex drive. Menopause can be a difficult time for many women. The fluctuations in her female hormones can create all kinds of havoc on her body. Many men who have gone through menopause along with their ladies will tell you that menopause is like PMS on steroids! The side effects for a woman during menopause can be mood swings, hot flashes and difficulty with memory, vaginal dryness, unpredictable periods, and lack of sexual desire.

MENOPAUSE CAN BE A DIFFICULT TIME FOR MANY WOMEN. THE FLUCTUATIONS IN HER FEMALE HORMONES CAN CREATE ALL KINDS OF HAVOC ON HER BODY.

Women don’t ask for these issues. That’s just how their bodies are wired. Women are different from men in a variety of respects, and hormones are one of them. So if your wife or girlfriend is approaching or over 50 and her desire for sex has been rapidly declining, blame it on her hormones—not her! As mentioned earlier, there are ways to treat the problems that varying female hormones can cause. But the best thing of all is to understand. Not only can menopause be hormonally challenging, it can also be a sad time for many women. That’s because menopause means no longer being able to bear children. Although your wife or girlfriend may not have wanted anymore children for quite some time, letting go of that feminine gift can be extremely difficult for some women and cause a great deal of sadness. In thinking about the various causes of decreased sexual desire in women, keep in mind that there is always a chance of there being a more serious underlying issue. The worst of them is emotional trauma and sexual abuse, which can often cause a woman to develop what’s called “sexual aversion.” The following is some helpful information about sexual aversion. Even if you don’t think your lady has a true aversion to sex, learning how sexual aversions occur can be very useful. Many a women have a mild form of sexual aversion. This is often created due to the pressure her man puts on her to have sex when she really doesn’t feel like it. So be sure to read the following so you can make sure you don’t ever risk creating a sexual aversion in your lady. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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If you suspect your lady already has an aversion to sex, depending on its severity, she may need professional counseling to help rid her of the problem. If this the case, then what your lady needs most from you is understanding, encouragement and support as she seeks help to overcome something that is obviously quite difficult for her.

WHAT IS SEXUAL AVERSION? A sexual aversion can develop when a person associates something negative with the act of sex. In other words, if a woman were raped when she was younger, the negative feelings she experienced during that traumatic event can very easily get transferred over to sex in general. For those who develop an aversion to sex, the very thought of having sex can create a lot of anxiety and other negative emotions. The act of sex also tends to make matters worse. Let’s look at an example. Say you have a boss that yells at you every time he sees you on a personal phone call at work. Over time, you will begin to feel very tense each time you receive a call from your lady or another friend. Your boss’s anger, which makes you feel negative emotions, becomes conditioned to every time you receive or make a personal phone call.

For those who develop an aversion to sex, the very thought of having sex can create a lot of anxiety and other negative emotions. The act of sex also tends to make matters worse.

It’s not the phone call that creates the unpleasant feelings, it’s the association of the phone call with your angry boss and his yelling at you that triggers your uncomfortable feelings. Sexual aversion is very common in long-term relationships. Let’s look at a married couple as an example. Say the husband is upset over how infrequent his wife has sex with him. Not only that, he’s also not happy with her performance, as she just lays there as if wanting him to just get it over with. Instead of approaching the issue with understanding and thoughtfulness, he lets his temper get the best of him and places all of the blame on her, ridiculing her and yelling at her. When they do have sex, he often complains how she just laid there like a corpse, and he continues to insult her and complain until she cries. Although he may not do this each and every time they have sex and even maybe even apologizes for his outbursts, over time, his wife will begin to associate her sad and unpleasant feelings with the verbal abuse she receives from her husband after sex. After a while, she begins to dread the act of sex and tries to avoid it as much as she possibly can, developing a sexual aversion. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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What’s important to note is that when a man pressures the woman in his life for sex, he risks making matters worse. Not only does this communicate that her needs are more important than her feelings, it creates negative emotions within her, something she will associate with sex over time if put in the uncomfortable position enough times.

Most people with sexual aversions don’t understand what has happened to them. All they know is that when they hear the word sex or think about it, it creates unpleasant feelings within them; so they avoid thinking about or having sex. They may even go as far as to associate these negative feelings with sexual arousal and orgasm. There typically just isn’t a thing they enjoy about sex. Some people even experience panic attacks before or during sex. When they are asked to explain the reason behind their negative feelings, many aren’t sure what brought the feelings about and simply blame the problem all on themselves. This inability to pinpoint the problem When a woman has a sexual stems from a poor understanding of aversion, she can’t simply choose how emotions work. Many people to feel good about sex. think that emotions are a choice and they can choose to feel whatever emotion they want. But anyone who suffers from debilitating depression can tell you it’s not that simple. And when a woman has a sexual aversion, she can’t simply choose to feel good about sex. Emotional reactions cannot be decided and sexual aversion is no exception. A sexual aversion is a subconscious, physiological response to sex that can be developed from a single traumatic sexual experience or a series of unpleasant emotional experiences. A woman who has a negative association with sex has no control over her aversive reaction. It’s simply inevitable. So if a woman repeatedly experiences negative feelings during lovemaking, and her association of those negative feelings with sex has led to an aversion, it’s because she experiences painful emotions whenever she anticipates or attempts to make love. Sexual aversion can be a disaster of major proportions when it comes to intimate relationships. That’s because sex is an important need for most men and that need should be met. But if a woman has an aversion to sex, it will be next to impossible for her to meet her man’s need as long as her sexual aversion continues.

SEXUAL AVERSION CAN BE A DISASTER OF MAJOR PROPORTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.


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The symptoms of sexual aversion include fear of sex, trying to get sex over as quickly as possible, the need to prepare oneself mentally to endure sex, frequent excuses used to postpone or avoid sex, and claims of not feeling well just prior to or right after sex. Feeling repulsed by the thought of sex is also quite common.

Vaginal pain, however, is not a symptom of sexual aversion. Although it can cause a sexual aversion, it is not an actual symptom of the aversion. If a woman experiences vaginal discomfort or pain during sex, she should consult her doctor, as there may be an underlying medical problem that can be treated. Any symptom of sexual aversion can interfere with a woman’s ability to meet her man’s need for sex. This is why it’s imperative for the woman to get treatment if she has an aversion to sex, as she will never enjoy sex with you as long as her aversion continues. Once treated, it’s even more imperative that whatever actions led to the aversion in the first place never happen again. Overcoming an aversion to sex is not easy. To do so, the woman has to break the association of her unpleasant emotional reaction with the act of sex. Those without an aversion to sex might simply suggest, “relaxing the next time she has sex.” But anyone who has an aversion of any kind knows how extremely difficult that can be. That’s because typically the very thought or suggestion of sex usually brings about a state of anxiety and tension.

If you suspect your lady has an aversion to sex, IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR LADY HAS AN the best thing you can do AVERSION TO SEX, THE BEST THING is encourage her to seek YOU CAN DO IS ENCOURAGE HER TO treatment. Whether or not SEEK TREATMENT. she is able to do so on her own through a book or online instruction, or requires professional counseling is something the two of you will need to determine together. Your understanding, support and encouragement are what she needs most from you. The rest is entirely up to her. If you feel your lady needs to see a sex therapist, the following can help you determine how to approach this delicate topic. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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WHEN YOUR LADY NEEDS TO SEE A SEX THERAPIST

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No matter who it is, having to tell someone they need to seek professional counseling can be a bit tricky. And asking the woman in your life to see a sex therapist can be even trickier. In approaching the subject, resist the urge to be blatant by saying, “You really need to get some help,” just after another unpleasant sexual encounter. It’s best to approach the conversation outside of the bedroom and several days after having sex. During a time when you are both relaxed, gently explain to her that because you love and care about her so much and hate seeing her go through the emotional pain she experiences when having sex, you would like for the both of you to see a counselor to see if there is anything that can be done to help you both through the problem.

MAKE SURE TO USE THE WORD “BOTH” INSTEAD OF “YOU” WHEN TALKING TO HER.

Make sure to use the word “both” instead of “you” when talking to her, as it will come across as a suggestion for the sake of your relationship and not a finger-pointing attack on her. Be prepared for her to reply by saying, “Only crazy people see therapists.” This is far from the truth, so be sure to have a response such as “People see experts all the time for other problems. So what’s wrong with seeing an expert on sex?”

Once your lady agrees to see a therapist, choose one carefully. Her doctor can be a great resource as he or she may be familiar with a few specialists in the area. You can also call the American Psychological Association (APA) for a referral or consult their online directory. The APA can provide you with a list of professional counselors with special training in sexual problems. You can also consult the APA to check on the name of a counselor referred to you by someone else to ensure they are certified. If your lady refuses to see a sex therapist, you might want to spend some time rethinking your sexual needs, as well as your relationship. If she’s not willing to get help for the sake of your relationship and your happiness together, your future together may be very bleak if sex is one of your major needs in life.

As you can see, there can be many causes behind your lady’s decrease in desire for sex. In fact, there can be other reasons than the one listed above. Because a woman’s lack of sexual desire can be caused by both emotional and physical www.GabrielleMoore.com

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reasons, it may take more than one approach to help her resolve the issues. And in some cases, the issues may not be able to be resolved, especially if they are medically related. In such cases, open communication is what’s most important. So is refraining from blaming your lady for something she has no control over. The good news is that many of the above issues can be resolved. Even lacking hormone levels can be elevated if your lady is willing to seek proper medical treatment. And when it comes to the main culprit behind a majority of women’s lack of sexual desire—not feeling emotionally connected with their men— there’s a hell of a lot you can do to fix that for your lady! But before we dive into how to get your lady’s sexual engine revving, let’s take a look at sexual desire in itself. Although you may understand how your desire for sex works, there are many differences between men and women in relation to why men crave sex, why women crave sex, and what gets them aroused. Knowing how sexual desire works for a woman and why there’s such a difference between the two sexes is very important.

SEXUAL DESIRE: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

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ow different are men and women in regard to sexual desire and awareness of their sexuality? Let’s take a look. Numerous studies have been conducted to answer this question, and the results are quite often the same. In one study, where over 40,000 couples were questioned, it was found that almost all men masturbate, and many start at a very young age (eight to ten). On the other hand, girls who masturbate begin much later, most often in late teens and early twenties, and over half the women surveyed had never masturbated at all. The first heterosexual experiences reported by the men and women surveyed took place at essentially the same ages (between 13 and 16), but their reports of that experience were remarkably different. Almost every man surveyed reported www.GabrielleMoore.com

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enjoying his first heterosexual encounter, while most women reported finding the experience disappointing.

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Many experts believe that part of the discrepancy is why males and females engage in sex differently. For the most part, males are motivated by a strong sex drive and a history of sexual responsiveness through masturbation, while females don’t come to that first encounter with much of a sexual history at all. Many girls don’t know what to expect. A desire to be liked by their boyfriend, or curiosity— “What is the big deal about sex, anyway?” they ask—is usually what motivates them, not the feeling of an urgent need for sexual gratification. This difference in terms of sexual desire and sexual experience lies at the root of many relationship problems (even in this day of supposed sexual liberation and enlightenment). Young men and women come together from opposite ends of the pole—he is more sexually experienced and motivated by strong desires, and she is less (often much less) experienced, less motivated, and sometimes naïve. In addition, his experience is so instinctive and almost automatic There are four stages that both men that he usually doesn’t understand and women experience during sex. that most women have to learn how to respond sexually. He just They are (1) arousal, (2) plateau, (3) knows how much he loves sex climax, and (4) recovery. and assumes that what he enjoys must feel just as good to her. When it comes to entering into a long-term relationship such as marriage, many men quickly discover just how wrong that assumption is. They learn instead the frustrating truth that the amazing sexual discoveries they have made are nowhere near as meaningful to their female partner. And this soon becomes a source of sexual frustration for many men. The good news is that a lot of this frustration can be alleviated by simply learning what actually happens—emotionally and physiologically—for both a man and a woman when they have sex. So let’s take a look at what’s involved in the process of sex. There are four stages that both men and women experience during sex. They are (1) arousal, (2) plateau, (3) climax, and (4) recovery. During arousal the man and woman begin to sense sexual feelings. His penis usually becomes erect, and her vagina usually begins to lubricate. If a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris are stimulated properly, they pass into the plateau stage. In this stage, the man’s penis becomes very hard and the woman’s vagina www.GabrielleMoore.com

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contracts, providing greater resistance and a heightened sensation during sexual intercourse.

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The climax, which lasts only a few seconds, is the peak of the sexual experience. At that time, the penis ejects semen in bursts (ejaculation), and the vagina alternately contracts and releases several times. The recovery period follows, in which both partners feel peaceful and relaxed. The penis becomes soft, and the vagina, no longer secreting lubricating fluid, relaxes. Although men and women experience the same four stages of sex, they don’t experience it in the same physical and emotional ways. What works for a man does not work for a woman, and conversely, what works for a woman does not work for a man. So if you want to learn how to increase a woman’s sexual desire and experience sexual compatibility, you need to appreciate and understand the differences. So let’s take a look at each stage of sexual response separately and see just how they differ from one another between men and women.

AROUSAL: HOW IT ALL STARTS In the earliest stages of making love, the differences between a man and a woman are readily seen by the ways they become excited and the manner in which each responds. Most men can become aroused in a variety of ways, but the hands-down favorite is by visual means. Numerous magazines, calendars, films, and so on that feature nude or barely clad women all cash in on one thing: Men like to look at naked women! Many wives comment on the fact that their husbands enjoy watching them undress and that, when they are seen naked, arousal often follows in just a few seconds by their man. A man easily experiences arousal, which may happen several times a day. Many visual, as well as no visual experiences can do it—the scent of a woman’s perfume in an elevator, watching a woman’s walk, looking at a photo of a scantily dressed woman, and even daydreaming. This easy male arousal is not on purpose or a sign of being promiscuous or unfaithful. It’s just a typical male reaction characteristic of being a male. As you may know, arousal in itself doesn’t mean all that much to a man, as it usually occurs relatively effortlessly and sometimes whether or not he wants to. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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Many women find this hard to understand because they experience arousal a lot differently than the way men do. Much more complicated and deliberate, a woman’s excitement does not, in most cases, depend on visual stimulation. Yes, there are erotic magazines for women with male centerfolds, but many women look at them as humorous conversation pieces than a means for sexual stimulation. For the average woman, getting aroused is more a matter of mindset than the result of any stimulation, visual or otherwise. A woman can choose whether or not she wants to experience arousal, depending on her emotional attachment to a particular man. Qualities like affection, warmth of personality, attentiveness, kindness, and tender sensitivity do more to arouse her than any special technique a man may have developed. A man with the qualities mentioned above makes a woman feel that he understands her and has chosen to care for her.

A woman looks for all these signs in the eyes of a man. Perhaps this is why, when asked what they first notice about a man, many women will say, “His eyes.” Some women even describe the special appreciation their men have of them through their ability to be aware of them as a people and not just as sex objects. The caring they show by looking at their ladies as if they are special means a lot to women in their relationships. Although the idea beautiful women get together with handsome men is prevalent in our society, in reality, a man’s looks are not the most critical requirement for women. A tender touch and gentle treatment often mean so much more to women than a handsome face or muscular physique. A man can do much to arouse or suppress his lady’s sexual feelings by the way he touches her. His embrace, his kiss, and his caress must convey tender attentiveness and special caring. Feelings of affection and care give you the keys to a woman’s arousal. If a woman feels convinced that her man possesses these warm and affectionate qualities, she can “decide” to engage in the process that leads to sexual arousal. This can be described best by looking at what happens in an extramarital affair by a married woman. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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In such cases, the woman finds her lover irresistible because he shows her the tenderness and kindness she has not found with her spouse. The common scenario in an affair sees the man being overwhelmed by the woman’s passionate pursuit and vigorous sexual aggressiveness. In most cases the woman responds to the fantasy of her ideal man, embodied in her lover. It doesn’t mater if the man is a good guy or a rat. What really matters is how she perceives him—the aura he created by affectionate and thoughtful actions.

STIMULATION GIVEN TO AN UNRECEPTIVE WOMAN WILL NOT AROUSE HER SEXUALLY AT ALL.

Once a woman decides to be aroused, she’s ready to receive and respond to what she considers appropriate physical stimulation, such as the caressing of her body (especially the breasts and nipples) and stimulation of the area surrounding the clitoris.

The very same stimulation, given to an unreceptive woman, will not arouse her sexually at all. Instead, it acts as a source of great irritation to the woman who has not chosen to be aroused. When sexual intercourse begins, a woman needs to sustain strong stimulation to her clitoris and vaginal opening. A woman learns to create this more intensive stimulation by (1) contracting her pubococcygeus (PCG) muscle, which tightens the vagina on the man’s penis; (2) thrusting her pelvis rapidly; (3) and assuming a position that increases pressure on the clitoris and resistance to the penis in the vaginal opening. A few minutes of this physical stimulation usually brings an aroused woman (and her aroused man) to the next stage—the sexual plateau. PLATEAU: THE BEST STAGE OF LOVEMAKING While men require very little stimulation to reach a plateau, women need very special and intense stimulation. Sexual intercourse itself is almost always sufficient for men, but for women, more is often required. Unfortunately a woman’s need for more stimulation and the man’s need for less creates a common sexual problem—premature ejaculation, which means the man comes too soon. As she thrusts quickly to stimulate herself to the plateau, the stimulation becomes too great for him. He experiences a climax and loses his erection before she can reach a plateau or have an orgasm. On the other hand, if a man tries to hold back his orgasm, he may find himself falling from the plateau stage, back to arousal, and his penis softens. Although he may continue intercourse, his penis may not be hard enough to give his lady the simulation she needs. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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For many men, maintaining the plateau stage without rising to a climax or receding to arousal can be quite a challenge. When having sex, the man must hold the plateau about ten minutes, the time his wife needs to reach the plateau. Then she may need another five minutes to experience a climax. Men commonly climax before their wives have enough stimulation to enjoy the plateau or reach climax. Even the best intentioned man needs training to achieve this goal.

THE CLIMAX: ECSTASY OR ANXIETY? In recent years many books and articles have worshipped the climax (or orgasm) as an ecstatic experience that both the man and women should try to reach at the same time for optimal pleasure. Because of all this publicity, the climax has become distorted and some couples have lost sight of the entire lovemaking experience in an effort to reach their goal of achieving climax. When a couple feels anxiety rather than an enjoyment of each other, they are putting too much importance on performance and not enough on enjoying each other in their lovemaking. The woman who knows how to reach A sensitive man will not put a plateau is only one small step away pressure on his woman to climax, from reaching an orgasm—it only because he realizes she may takes more time and stimulation. However, some women really don’t enjoy sex more without one. find having an orgasm worth the effort it takes to do so. They have reached it at times, but many women are quite happy with the act of sex without an orgasm and wish their husbands would stop pressuring them to do so. WOMEN WITH LESS ENERGY OR WOMEN WHO FEEL TIRED AFTER A LONG, HARD DAY OFTEN CHOOSE NOT TO HAVE AN ORGASM.

Women with less energy or women who feel tired after a long, hard day often choose not to have an orgasm. Men, on the other hand, whether full of energy or exhausted, almost always choose to climax, because it requires such little additional effort for them.

A strong sexual relationship takes this difference of effort into account. A sensitive man will not put pressure on his woman to climax, because he realizes she may enjoy sex more without one. Anxiety over whether or not to have an orgasm has no place in a fulfilling sexual relationship.


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RECOVERY: AFTERGLOW OR RESENTMENT?

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An appropriate description of the recovery phase is an “afterglow,” with both partners lying in each other’s arms, feeling completely fulfilled. But because men and women do not share the same instincts after a climax, this ideal state eludes both men and women. Following a climax, a woman typically falls back into the plateau stage and can reach another orgasm, if she so chooses. If she doesn’t decide to climax again, she slowly falls back to arousal and then finally to an un-aroused state. As this takes place, the woman will often feel a deep sense of peace come over her and generally have a deep desire for some form of affection with her man. Many women report that this feeling can remain for up to an hour after sex. During the recovery period, men do not experience these same feelings. A second climax for a man is not as desirable because it requires much more effort than the first—if it can be achieved at all. For more men a third climax within a short period of time is next to impossible. Unlike the woman, the man doesn’t fall back to the plateau after climax—he usually falls back into arousal, and even that occurs for just a short period of time. Many men find themselves totally uninterested in sex within a minute of climaxing. Often times, men will jump up and take a shower or roll over and go to sleep—a behavior that ruffles the feathers of many of women around the world! Working out a sense of timing at the recovery stage with your woman is crucial if you want your woman to have nothing but pleasant feelings towards her sexual experiences with you. This means you should be ready to bring your lady to another orgasm with either your hand, mouth or vibrator “if she chooses,” or you should continue showing her affection over a period of at least 30 minutes after sex. Don’t let this warm and meaningful time for her escape you! While sexual problems can cause tension and unhappiness in many relationships, these difficulties can be resolved more easily than you might think. In many cases, it merely requires education—something you are doing at this very www.GabrielleMoore.com

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moment! To deal with such problems, you have to be willing to learn what you need to know and practice what can be put into action.

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Time and time again, the main complaint for women WHEN A MAN LEARNS TO BE is that while men are usually more in touch with their AFFECTIONATE, HIS LOVEMAKING own sexuality because it is such a basic male drive, WILL BECOME VERY DIFFERENT. many men lack skill in lovemaking because they fail to understand the woman’s need for affection as part of the sexual process. When a man learns to be affectionate, his lovemaking will become very different. The man interested only in satisfying his hunger for sex annoys and aggravates his lady more than anything else, because his technique is insensitive to her feelings. While he’s using her body for his own pleasure, she’s getting more and more infuriated—a great reason for her to want to avoid having sex! Obviously, for a woman to enjoy sex, she will need help from her man. If a man doesn’t give his woman the affection and tenderness she needs, she will view him as being insensitive and uncaring. It’s a basic principle of sexual desire. You can’t enjoy your part of the relationship if your woman isn’t enjoying hers. So remember: the key to increasing your lady’s desire for sex is meeting her needs as you would want her to meet your own. To make sure you understand this concept, the following are some questions meant to help you get your thought process started in the right direction. Keep in mind there is no right or wrong answer. There is only the discovery of what you think needs to change when it comes to your relationship. 1.

If your wife commented on your sexual desires and techniques to a sex therapist, what do you think she would say?

2.

How would you describe your sexual diet? Steady, Spasmodic, or Starvation.

3.

Studies have shown that a woman is aroused by her man’s affection, attentiveness, warmth, kindness and tender sensitivity. Are these qualities you consistently try to develop and express? What do you think your lady would say in answer to this question?

There is a lot of truth in the old Chinese saying: Man is fire, woman is water. The man’s fire brings the woman’s water to boiling. Unlike men, who are stimulated more by sight than anything else, women need a lot more than to just see you naked to want to get it on. Women need to feel an emotional connection. They also need a bit of time to warm up and the right atmosphere. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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The longer the relationship, the more sexually attractive or unattractive each of you can become. For example, if your partner pays attention to you and fulfills many of your emotional needs, you may find yourself more attracted to her. The same goes for women. Sexual desire can come in the form of physical attractiveness, erotic stimulation, fantasizing about sex, and even the process of sexual pursuit itself. No matter what you call it—sexual desire, making love, or doing the nasty—for a woman, sex is both a physical and “emotional” reaction. For example, an erection for a man or the wetness of a woman’s vagina is a physical reaction, and the reaction can vary at different levels depending on the source of stimuli and how physically stimulating it is. Such a reaction can follow passionate kissing, fondling or being fondled, or feeling the touch of the other’s naked body against your own. Sexual desire can also be produced from the simple act of viewing the other as being physically attractive. However, for a woman to want to be touched or physically stimulated in a sexual way she has to “desire” that—and that’s where the emotional side of things comes into play.

Increasing a woman’s sexual desire Sexual desire can come in the means increasing her positive feelings form of physical attractiveness, about you and herself. This requires erotic stimulation, fantasizing more of a psychological and emotional approach than a physical one. Let’s look about sex, and even the process at an example. If your woman were to of sexual pursuit itself. walk up behind you, press her breasts up against you, and fondle your crotch, it would not take long for you to become aroused. However, if you were to walk up behind your woman, rub your hands over her breasts or around her crotch, and press yourself against her, it is unlikely that she would become aroused. Instead, her thoughts and emotions will stir. If she’s in the middle of something, like doing the dishes or folding laundry, she will begin thinking about what she’s doing and everything else she needs to get done. She will also sift through her feelings towards you at the moment. If she’s not happy with you or if she has things to do, she will likely reject your sexual advances. Of course, your lady could smile and stand there and let you continue to fondle her, but it would likely not be because she finds it sexually arousing. She’s just allowing you to have a brief moment of fun before she finds a way to move onto whatever else she has to do on her list. If you are persistent, she may give into your request for sex, but don’t be fooled—it’s not because your physical contact www.GabrielleMoore.com

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sexually aroused her. Of course, you might not care, as long as you get sex. But you should care; because you are getting more from the sexual interlude than she is, and this can just add to her lack of desire for sex.

TO A WOMAN, EVEN SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS PASSIONATE KISSING IS PART OF THE “PHYSICAL” PROCESS OF SEX.

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It’s very important for you to understand that when it comes to sex, what works for a man doesn’t always work for a woman. This piece of information is worth keeping at the front of your mind at all times.

There are specific things that a woman can do physically to sexually arouse you. Things like caressing and fondling you or kissing you passionately. Seeing your woman dressed up in sexy lingerie and stiletto heels could get you going very easily too. If she were to throw in some flirty talk, run her hands across your chest, and nibble your ear, you probably wouldn’t be able to get your clothes off fast enough. But women need something before the visual and physical stimuli to get their desire for sex going. A woman’s “on” switch when it comes to sex happens through her mind and heart first. Once you flip that switch, then it becomes more about the physical act of sex, which includes kissing, fondling, and everything else that sex involves. To a woman, even something as simple as passionate kissing is part of the “physical” process of sex. If she is engaging in passionate kissing with you, then you’ve likely already gotten past her sexual gatekeeper and your chances of having sex with her are very high. So the physical part of sex is not necessarily where you need to focus your attention on when it come to increasing her sexual desire— at least not at the start. It’s what comes “before” she engages in any physical part of sex that you want to concentrate your efforts on the most. You want to create a “desire” for sex within your lady. You don’t want her to have sex with you just because she feels guilty or because she feels that’s her job as your wife or girlfriend. You want her to “want” to have sex with you. So when it comes to your woman’s lack of desire for sex, www.GabrielleMoore.com

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it’s important to look at the problem from an emotional and psychological level before you look at it from a physical level. In order for a woman to feel like making love, she must feel some sort of emotional and physical stimulation. This requires not only the right touch and the right time, but a sense of attraction towards you as well.

As discussed earlier, chances are your lady’s lack of sexual desire is related to her not feeling connected with you on an emotional level. She may have some negative thoughts about you or the act of having sex with you. She could be feeling some negative emotions towards you. Overall, there is something that is causing her to find you “emotionally” unattractive, not physically unattractive. Take a simple spat between two partners. Having an argument can kill the mood for both men and women. You may look at your lady and be able to still see her as pretty, but you find yourself completely turned off by her because of the negative feelings she caused you. For women, this is typically where the root of lack of sexual desire stems from. Although some men will still have sex while experiencing negative feelings, most women will not. So if you’re lady is not happy with you for any reason, her desire to have sex with you is likely going to be nonexistent.

If you’re lady is not happy with you for any reason, her desire to have sex with you is likely going to be nonexistent.

As you’ve learned, men and women are completely different sexual creatures. For men, sexual desire is almost instantaneous. But creating sexual desire within a woman can be a slow and delicate process. Sometimes it has to start many hours in advance through special attention from her man. And the kind of attention she’s looking for is usually very specific. That doesn’t mean you have to be a sappy romantic all the time to get your lady to want to have sex with you. It just means you have to think about what you’re doing and not doing, and change a few things about how you go about your daily interactions with your lady. To get your woman to desire you and want to have sex with you like she did in the beginning of your relationship, you need to go back to doing what you did early on in your relationship. Dating her is one of them. Putting some time and effort into your lady and letting her know how attractive she is can go a long way www.GabrielleMoore.com

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when it comes to her desire for sex. A woman needs to feel that her relationship with you is good FIRST! When she does, her desire for sex will follow.

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When men get frustrated with their woman’s lack of sexual desire, they tend to make statements such as “You never want to have sex anymore!” This is a mistake and does nothing but cause your woman to feel defensive and turn her off more. Instead of venting your frustration through negative statements, say something like “You are so beautiful, honey. I can’t get enough of you sometimes! “ When a woman is stressed, sex is not something she will choose as an outlet for her stress. Sex does not work for a woman when she is stressed. That’s because when a woman is stressed, she is emotionally preoccupied. So for a woman to want to have sex, she has to be in the right mood and frame of mind. So if you sense your lady is stressed, being helpful and providing her with some care and appreciation is what she needs—not sex. Helping her to get out of her funky mood should be your priority, not trying to get her to have sex with you. Women also need more foreplay than men do—especially when they agree to have sex without a desire at the start. Women complain about lack of foreplay quite often. Where men are ready to go right from the start, women often need more in the way of physical stimulation to get their sexual juices flowing. But not just any old form of physical stimulation will do. For a woman, it can start as just a simple whisper into her ear about how irresistible she is or telling her how you see how other men look at her and how lucky you feel to be the one that gets to have her all to himself. Kissing the back of her neck and stroking your fingers softly up and down her arms are other forms of foreplay that work for women. It’s important to always be sensitive to what your lady likes and what she likes to hear. When interacting in foreplay, what you want to avoid is touching your lady’s genitalia. Try to think of touching your lady’s breasts or vagina as a form of sex, not foreplay. www.GabrielleMoore.com

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Foreplay is the act of working up to sex. So foreplay should include various parts of your lady’s body other than her most intimate parts.

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This is important, because women respond to foreplay! Once she agrees to have sex, whether she desires it or FOREPLAY IS THE ACT OF WORKING not at the start, you can really get your lady going if you UP TO SEX. SO FOREPLAY SHOULD prolong touching her in her intimate areas. The purpose INCLUDE VARIOUS PARTS OF YOUR of foreplay is to increase her desire to have sex and to LADY’S BODY OTHER THAN HER cause her to want to be touched in her sexual spots. To MOST INTIMATE PARTS. get her to that point, you need to entice her by teasing her a bit. You can come close to those areas, even dangerously close, but don’t touch her there, no matter how much you wan to. When the moment is finally right, you can move on to the fleshy fun parts, but not until “she’s” ready!

Now that you have a better understanding of how the cycle of a relationship works, the many issues that can cause a woman to lose interest in sex, and just how sexual desire works and how it differs between men and women, it’s time to explore your woman’s most basic emotional and sexual needs, as well as just how her intimate feminine parts work. The more you understand about each of these areas, the easier it will be for you to unleash her desire for sex!


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