GRAVITY FALLS EPISODE 15.5 "There's Something About Sasquatch" Written by Nic Lishko
TEASER EXT. THE MYSTERY HACK - AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING A crystal clear day. Jeff the gnome runs towards the shack, but is SMACKED by a passing mail truck. He “EEEEE’s” as he flies through the air. INT. SHACK - GIFT SHOP - CONTINUOUS A mystery shack ornament (complete with missing ‘s’) is hung on a tree by MABEL. There.
MABEL Perfect!
The tree is actually SOOS standing on the checkout table. WENDY wraps a colorful ribbon around Soos. MABEL (CONT’D) And a Happy Soosmas Day was had by all! Soos admires his decorations. SOOS Check it out! I’m a Soosmas Tree! I guess you really CAN be anything when you grow up! DIPPER enters, reading a book: “Amateur Lock-picking for People who aren’t Thieves” DIPPER Mabel, Christmas is months away, what are you guys doing? WENDY Chillax gov’na. We’re just playing a round of truth or dare. DIPPER REeeaaalllyy? You know, I’m quite the truth or dare master. People back at school crowned me champion this past year. They even said in the yearbook “most likely to win in truth or dare.” SOOS Dipper in the shack! or dare?
Dude, truth
2.
Truth! truth.
DIPPER Because I always tell the
SOOS Who is your secret crush? Wendy immediately has a dreamy pink aura surrounding her. EXTREME CLOSE-UP on Dipper’s face. DIPPER I DON’T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE. GRUNKLE STAN bursts through the front door. Mail call!
STAN A postcard for Soos...
Stan looks at the Soosmas tree and slides the postcard in between Soos’ fingers. SOOS Oh boy! Mom’s been on vacation in the Bahamas. Look at her go! The postcard shows Soos’ mom vacuuming the beach. STAN ...A package for Dipper from your parents and the Gravity Falls Gossiper. DIPPER (looks to Gossiper) Whoa. A blurry, shady, overpixelated picture of Sasquatch on the cover? I knew he was real! MABEL Sasquatch? Pha! That’s ridiculous. Who believes in that kind of junk? STAN And finally...A Merman’s Monthly Digest for...Who is Blame Spine? MABEL I’LL THROW THAT AWAY FOR YOU! Mabel grabs the magazine and bolts out of the room. checks out Dipper’s Gossiper.
Wendy
3. WENDY Dude, Sasquatch is on the cover? That’s sick! He is so retro. DIPPER Do you um...like Sasquatch? WENDY Heck yeah! I mean, I’d love to see a clear picture of the guy, but either way, Sasquatch is totally retro and retro is in. STAN Am I retro? WENDY Nah. You’re groovy or possibly old timey. Both of which are out. STAN You know who’s out? You. As in YOU are OUTside cleaning the gutters for a paycheck. ZING! Stan passes Wendy cleaning supplies. Wendy frowns as they both go outside. Dipper opens the package and pulls out a letter and a camcorder. DIPPER (reads letter) Dear Dipper and Mabel, we hope you are having fun in Gravity Falls and are on your best behavior. Soos falls over, SMASHING several shelves of merchandise. SOOS Can someone grab the star? a place I can’t reach!
It’s in
DIPPER (back to letter) We wanted to get a taste of the things you kids are up to, so we’re sending you our old video camera in the hopes that you’ll send us back some great footage of you two. Take care, love, Mom and Dad. Dipper looks at the camera and the cover of the Gossiper.
4. DIPPER (CONT’D) This is perfect! I’ll get ACTUAL footage of Sasquatch and then Wendy will think I’m super retro! SOOS You’re not retro dude. like...Dipper.
You’re more
DIPPER Is that in? SOOS I don’t know man. I can’t keep up with you YOLO kids and your constantly changing catch phrases. Stan enters. STAN Phew! Man, it’s really Dipper outside today. DIPPER What does that mean? STAN What it sounds like. Hey! What happened to the merchandise? Stan runs to Soos.
Off Dipper’s perplexed expression -MAIN TITLES END TEASER
5. ACT ONE OVER BLACK TEXT appears ON SCREEN and is read by a NARRATOR. NARRATOR (V.O.) In July of 2013, a boy named Dipper attempted to get video proof of a Sasquatch in order to impress a girl. He lost the footage when a goat took it, but then later found it, only to have Mabel steal the unedited footage. After a brief fight, the twins ended up getting trapped inside of the Television. Once they escaped and learned a valuable lesson about respecting each others property, Dipper discovered that the footage was recorded over by Grunkle Stan who was taping the very movie the twins were captured in, ‘The Duchess Disapproves,’ an unremarkable sequel to the classic. Unbeknownst to Dipper and at some point in between the goat and the TV incident, the footage was captured on a computer and forgotten about... UNTIL NOW... (NOTE: The rest of the episode will be shown from the POV of Dipper’s camera unless otherwise noted. More often than not, the footage is often shaky and doesn’t always show the full picture of what’s going on) INT. DIPPER AND MABEL’S ROOM - MORNING Dipper flips on the video camera and points it at himself. DIPPER Today is July 19th, 2013 and today I go on a hunt for Sasquatch. (reads from journal) Many have attempted to get even the tiniest piece of evidence showing the existence of this creature, but all have failed. Now, it’s Dipper’s time to shine.
6. MABEL And in order to shine, you gotta have glorious hair! Reveal Mabel, brushing Dipper’s hair and putting in hairpins. DIPPER Can I help you with something? MABEL Nah, I got this. Your hair is like soft clay I’m molding into a great masterpiece. MY masterpiece. Also are you going to be recording everything we do from now on? DIPPER Think of it this way Mabel: You’re the star in the movie we’ll be sending Mom and Dad! MABEL Really? My finest moment! A day in the life of Blame Spine! I mean, Mabel Pines! That’s my actual name...and Waddles! Mabel pulls Waddles into frame, but Waddles snout SMACKS the camera, knocking it over. Waddles OINK OINKS. The camera goes to STATIC for a moment -INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS -- and resumes recording on Dipper’s shoes entering the kitchen. He whips around to Mabel and Waddles who wave. MABEL Whoa! Pancakes and eggs and toast? Did we do something right? Grunkle Stan at the stove whips around to the camera and waves his spatula. He wears an apron reading “Tip the Cook.” STAN Why, hello my dear children! No special occasion! I always make you kids a healthy breakfast with plenty of nutrients and antioxygens or whatever people think is good for kids these days. Now who wants some crispy baccc... Mabel and Waddles appear HORRIFIED.
7. STAN (CONT’D) ...aaakeedd potates! They’re like hashbrowns without the effort! DIPPER Alright Grunkle Stan, what’s really going on here? STAN Nothing! We’re just going to do a family fun thing today! Dipper will you put that camera down for a second and stop recordi -A quick jump of STATIC, immediately followed by the camera on its side, recording Stan next to the dinner table. STAN (CONT’D) --you two on my team for the TriAnnual Acorn Syruping Festival today. Tourists go crazy for acorn syrup which means big bucks for the hack. DIPPER You mean the shack? STAN Is that what the sign out front says? MABEL I’ve never had acorn syrup. sounds...nutty.
It
STAN Not just nutty, but delicious! And I have a secret weapon that will guarantee my victory: The Great White Oak. Best acorns for syrup ever! Anyway, the winner gets a blue ribbon and I would sell the rest for tons of cash. What do ya say? DIPPER Maybe next time Grunkle Stan. STAN Come on kid, I’ve never won. I always get so close, but I get sabotaged every time. I even have photographic evidence.
8. Stan slaps a stack of photos by the camera. Dipper goes through the photos and flips the camera upright. Each photo shows Stan’s table and syrup getting destroyed and in each photo, there are two mysterious figures wearing trench coats running away from the destruction. MABEL Who would do such a thing? STAN I have my suspicions. I’m thinking it’s the Northwest family. MABEL PACIFICA...Say no more Grunkle Stan. Waddles and I are in. DIPPER Maybe next time. I’m trying to get footage of Sasquatch today. MABEL Dipper, this is a chance to crush Pacifica. You’re coming. DIPPER I don’t need to crush Pacifica. STAN Kid, you’re coming. It may be against your will, but so help me...Wait, is that red light -INT. GRUNKLE STAN’S CAR - MOMENTS LATER The camera comes into focus on Stan. He picks his ear, looks at the ear wax, smells it and flicks it out the window. Mabel grabs the camera and points it on herself. MABEL Today on the Mabel and Waddles show, we’re making acorn syrup! Once Dipper and I gather all the acorns, we’ll smash and mash Pacifica in a similar fashion. (ala Martha Stewart) It’s a good thing. Waddles, your thoughts? Waddles OINKS and STOMPS his hooves into the backseat.
9. STAN Hey! Keep that pig under control back there! Dipper flips the camera on himself. DIPPER (whispers) And while they do that, I’ll be secretly hunting the mighty Sasquatch. STAN Dipper, we’re going into the woods to make syrup and have family fun time. You can search for a made up creature another time. MABEL I’m going to get first place and shove it in Pacifica’s face! STAN That sounds like a selfish reason to win. You’re like the daughter I always wanted! DIPPER And I’m going to find Sasquatch to woo the heart of a ruby haired vixen. STAN That sounds like love. Nothing is more unselfish. I’ve got more work to do on you kid. On Dipper’s frown -EXT. A PARK IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS Families from Gravity LAUGHING and having a festival has an acorn that serves ice cream
Falls are gathered, setting up tables, great time. Everything about the theme, including an ice cream truck in giant acorn cups.
A banner hangs from the trees reading “Tri-Annual Acorn Syrup Festival.” Below that in small letters it says “A thing to do three times a year.” Dipper pans over to Grunkle Stan, who struggles with an ANCIENT MACHINE that is tied to the roof of his car.
10. He finally pulls it off and it lands with a CRUNCH onto a picnic table. STAN Check it out. My first acorn syruping machine. It crunches and bottles all in one device. It was my Grunkle’s and his Grunkle’s before him. PACIFICA (O.S.) Well well, if it isn’t the Pines family, ready to be stomped yet again. PACIFICA enters. STAN Do my ears deceive me or is that the sound of a dog toy getting stepped on? (looks to Pacifica) Oh, it’s you. I stand by my ears. Dipper ZOOMS IN on Mabel’s glare. MABEL I hope your pillow is ready Pacifica, because you’ll be crying into it all night after you lose! PACIFICA Please, my family has been making the best syrup for years. See? Pacifica shows off her family’s picnic table, full of trophies and an extremely high tech machine that’s so bright, everyone has to shield their eyes from the glare. Mabel looks at the logo of the machine. MABEL The iSyrup? By Peach? Whoever heard of a fruit company making high tech machines? PACIFICA Apparently the same people who have never won a blue ribbon for their acorn syrup. Later losers! Pacifica LAUGHS and leaves.
Mabel SHOUTS to her.
11. MABEL Things are going to be different this time! Stan’s never had US before and this trusty old machine will pull through! Mabel PATS the machine. The machine COUGHS and SPITS out a spring that SMACKS right into the camera, knocking Dipper onto the ground with an “OUCH!” The camera adjusts IN and OUT of focus, looking at the sky. DIPPER ....Ohhhh... Stan’s head pops in. STAN Did anyone see where that spring went? Pretty sure I need that one. EXT. MAIN STAGE - LATER The camera flips on and focuses on a MAN standing at a podium. The camera has trouble focusing. DIPPER What is wrong with this thing? was working earlier. Look!
It
MABEL It’s the Mayor!
DIPPER We have a mayor? People CHEER. Dipper whips the camera to the stage, focusing on a MAN, riding in on a buffalo. This is MAYOR HIRSCH (50’s, his beard is majestic, his suit, flannel). MAYOR HIRSCH Citizens of Gravity Falls, welcome to the Tri-Annual Acorn Syrup Festival!! More CHEERS and WOO HOOS! Dipper PANS the camera around the crowd seeing the teams of competitors including Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland, Old man McGucket and his son, The Northwest Family (Pacifica sticks her tongue out at the camera) and the Corduroy family. Wendy waves at the camera, causing Dipper to HYPERVENTILATE.
12. Mabel gets in the frame. Dipper!
MABEL Get your head in the game!
MAYOR HIRSCH Now before we get too excited, let’s go over the rules of the contest. Every family gets one hour to make the tastiest of acorn syrups possible. My brain is excited and my taste buds are ready to judge... As Mayor Hirsch continues, Dipper notices TOBY DETERMINED, eating ice cream from an acorn cone. He sneaks over. DIPPER (whispering) PSST! TOBY! TOBY Graah! Oh, it’s you. the Dipper out of me!
You scared
DIPPER How is that suddenly a thing now? Look, I need to know how and where you took that photo of the Sasquatch that you put in the newspaper. Me?
TOBY I didn’t take it.
DIPPER Then...Who did? TOBY Every photo I’ve gotten of the Sasquatch was submitted by mail. It’s always a popular issue when I get Sasquatch on the cover no matter how blurry it is. DIPPER Wow. So you’re saying that whoever gets a clear picture of Sasquatch would become a real popular guy? In theory. Toby shrugs, causing his ice cream to fall off the cone.
13. TOBY Ohhh no! My acorn ice cream. At least I’ve still got the cone. He bites down on it and CRUNCH go his teeth. TOBY (CONT’D) Owww! It’s a real acorn? they get so big?
How do
Stan grabs Dipper and pulls him away. DIPPER Whoooa, hey! What are you -STAN Kid, I’m getting the feeling you’re not focusing in on family fun time. What were you two talking about? DIPPER Uh, nothing? The camera focuses on Dipper and Stan looking down at the flip screen. STAN Really? Let me just rewind this thing and see -STATIC CUT TO: A YOUNG DIPPER DANCES THE LAMBY DANCE FOR THE CAMERA. CUT BACK TO: GRUNKLESTAN Rolling on the ground and LAUGHING. STAN The lamby dance? Kid, that’s rich. Your parents must hate you! Dipper frowns into the camera.
STATIC --
EXT. SYRUPING STARTING LINE - MOMENTS LATER -- Video resumes on the mayor SQUIRTING a starting line of syrup in the grass. Mabel fixes a basket onto Waddles and paints his face with camouflage.
14. Mabel turns around, revealing her face is covered in pink and yellow camo as well as a WWII army helmet. MABEL (to camera) Ready for your close-up Mr. Pines? DIPPER Nah, I’m good. Mabel gets aggressive. MABEL You need it! We need to win! win, win!
Win,
DIPPER Mabel, I don’t -Stan approaches with a helmet camera. STAN Here, strap this on the pig. There’s no way I don’t want footage to rub in the faces of the losers. Mabel straps on the helmet and Stan gets to their table. DIPPER (to the camera) Okay, here we go. We’re going pretty deep in the woods, so I shouldn’t have a problem finding Sasquatch. I’m hoping -MABEL Dipper! No Sasquatch! Get your pig in the game! PIIIIGGGG!!! Mabel smashes Waddles’ face into the camera.
STATIC -JUMP CUT TO:
SECONDS LATER Mabel looks angry at the camera. DIPPER --usually just joking around. Why are you acting so serious today? Why?
MABEL Look at her!
15. Dipper pans to Pacifica Northwest. Behind her, we see her Dad shaking hands with a dark figure in a trench coat. Pacifica points to Mabel and swings around an LED message stick. (NOTE: This is a device with a bunch of lights that when you swing it around, a message is illuminated. They sell them at Disneyland. Future marketing built into a script? Oh yes.) The message reads “You’re going down Mabel. Disrespectfully yours, The Northwest Family. P.S. Your pig stinks.” MAYOR HIRSCH See? She’s been torturing me all summer! She’s gotta know defeat. Mayor Hirsch stands next to a giant clock and pulls out an acorn looking gun. MAYOR HIRSCH (CONT’D) (to himself) These guns look more and more ridiculous for S & P every -(noticing the camera) Uhh, gatherer’s take your mark! Get set! Go nuts! (the gun doesn’t fire) Seriously? He looks at the gun. The acorn POPS out and BOPS him in the face. He passes out onto the clock, starting the timer. Everyone runs into the woods! as Dipper chases after them. MABEL Wahoo! Ride em pig! White Oak, Waddles! Mabel!
Mabel gets on top of Waddles
To the Great
DIPPER I can’t keep up!
MABEL Grab onto the tail!
The tail!
Dipper lunges and grabs onto Waddles’ tail. The camera bounces around like crazy as Dipper gets dragged. Arrrghhh! oonnn!!!
DIPPER I cann’tttt hoollldddd
16. Dipper let’s go and is sent tumbling down a hill! straight ahead, Dipper sees the edge.
Looking
DIPPER (CONT’D) Is that a cliff? IS THAT A CLIFF? Dipper YELLS as he goes flying over the cliff, but SUDDENLY STOPS! The camera, focusing on Dipper looking down into the deep valley below. DIPPER (CONT’D) Phew. Good thing this camera strap is strong enough to hold a 12 year old boy. RIIIIIPPPPP. The camera pans around to reveal the strap is caught on a root jetting out of the cliff. Dipper ZOOMS IN on the strap seeing a warning: “Strong enough to hold an 11 year old boy.” The strap slowly tears....and then finally SNAPS! Ahhh!
DIPPER (CONT’D) I was off by one yeeearrrr!
As Dipper and the camera plunge to the earth, a giant FISHING NET shoots out from the cliff, revealing a HAIRY ARM. As Dipper and the camera land in the net -STATIC! END OF ACT ONE
17. ACT TWO STATIC...THEN, EXT. WOODS - SAME TIME In the corner of the screen reads “PIG CAM!” Waddles turns around to see Dipper letting go of his tail and tumbling towards the cliff. MABEL (O.S.) Eyes on road Waddles! The camera looks up at Mabel. MABEL (CONT’D) He’ll come back. Dipper’s just being a big grump. Look at that! Waddles looks straight ahead revealing -THE GREAT WHITE OAK! The biggest tree in all of Gravity Falls. It’s a magnificent sight and the acorns surrounding its roots are the size of softballs. Mabel hops off of Waddles and looks up in awe at the tree. MABEL (CONT’D) Whoa. What a beautiful tree! This is where I’ll build my dreamtreehousefortnailsalon someday...but for now, BRAIN BUSTER ATTACK!! Mabel (wearing her helmet so she isn’t injured) grabs as much of the trunk as she can and SLAMS her head repeatedly into the tree. A RUMBLING shakes the PIG CAM. rain down!
Waddles looks up as acorns
MABEL (CONT’D) Run back and forth Waddles! Catch those acorns! This is the perfect smartphone game if ever there was one! Waddles runs back and forth catching acorns. comes RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA -- STATIC --
Looking up, one CUT TO:
18. DARKNESS DIPPER (V.O.) Ohhh...What...? I can’t see anything. I think I have a night vision mode on here... SNAP! INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - SAME TIME Dipper looks into the lens, not seeing a BLURRY SASQUATCH behind him! He spins around and YELPS, dropping the camera. Sasquatch also YELPS! On the ground, the camera zips from FOCUSED to UNFOCUSED. (NOTE: Most of the time, the camera focuses on Sasquatch, it is blurry and unfocused. A convenient malfunction covering what Sasquatch’s face actually looks like.) SASQUATCH Whoa, whoa, hey let’s stop screaming! Let me get the light. The lights turn on in the room as Dipper picks up the camera and shuts off night vision. Dipper points the camera at a BLURRY, FUZZY CREATURE. It’s SASQUATCH. DIPPER You can...you can -SASQUATCH Talk? Really? Are there any more questions that are more cliche than starting off with that one? How about a simple ‘hello’ or ‘boy it’s hot in this cave.’ Speaking of which. Sasquatch flips on the AC. second, shuts off. Huh. Yeah.
It WHIRLS to life and after a
SASQUATCH (CONT’D) Is it the acorn fest already? DIPPER How’d you know?
SASQUATCH Uhhh, no reason. I’m Henry.
19. DIPPER Henry the Sasquatch? SASQUATCH My parents had a sense of humor I guess. Anyway, kid, what are you doing out here? DIPPER I’m looking for you! SASQUATCH Well, you found me. Now what? BEAT. DIPPER Well, now I take a picture of you and show a girl and...yeah. SASQUATCH Good luck with that kid. Cameras tend to never work around me. Trust me, I’ve been trying. Henry leads Dipper into -A FAMILY ROOM -- That is neat and clean. Wouldn’t expect this from a mythical beast. Henry hands Dipper a stack of photos. SASQUATCH Here, take a look. As Dipper looks through the photos, the images are CLEAR, but are just shots of a hairy arm, a leg, a blurry self shot, the lips of a duckface, etc. DIPPER Hmmm. Strange. Maybe you haven’t been using the right camera? SASQUATCH I don’t know about that kid. Every other shot I take turns out better. PANNING across the room, Dipper is met with GORGEOUS photos of Gravity Falls: -The sun setting on the Mystery Shack. -The Corduroy family wrestling in the park.
20. -The Northwest family arguing with the Sheriff over a parking ticket. -Edward the merman leaping over Mabel’s outstretched hand. Each photo has an artsy/paparazzi feel to them. typical instagram or facebook photo.
Not your
DIPPER These are amazing! SASQUATCH Heh. Thanks. I’ve loved photography ever since I was a little quatch. Only thing I’ve never been able to capture? Me. Dipper sets the camera down and steps into frame. DIPPER Wow that’s...depressing. If you want to be seen so bad, why not just walk around in public? SASQUATCH You don’t think I’ve tried that? That was the worst Summerween ever. Ehh, I don’t want to bore you with my stuff. I’m sure you don’t know what it’s like to not feel noticed. Dipper looks to a portrait of Wendy and Robbie holding hands in the park. Dipper is in the background, staring sadly. DIPPER More than you might think. Don’t worry Henry. I’ll show the world who you are! SASQUATCH You mean it? How would you do that? DIPPER Oh I’d find a way.
Trust me.
SASQUATCH Heh, you’re alright kid. have a free postcard.
Here,
Henry offers Dipper a postcard of Robbie and Wendy. DIPPER Yeah, I’ll pass on that.
21. A KNOCKING startles Henry. DIPPER (CONT’D) You expecting guests? SASQUATCH It’s my big bro! You gotta hide! Henry hustles Dipper under a couch. The camera now completely in focus shows Henry’s hairy feet running to the door. SASQUATCH (CONT’D) Oh man, I’m up Dipper’s creek without a paddle! REALLY?!
DIPPER
STATIC -EXT. SYRUPING STARTING LINE - SAME TIME PIG CAM!
Mabel LAUGHS as the two ride towards Grunkle Stan. MABEL I can almost taste the tears of the Northwest family. (impersonating Pacifica) Look at me! I’m Pacifica and the tears of my failures have made the syrup taste salty! WAAAHHH!
The two arrive at Grunkle Stan and his crazy syrup machine. MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) (over loudspeaker) Thirty more minutes to go! STAN Nicely done Mabel. We just need another basket full and you’re going to get such a half dollar store set of stickers. MABEL Half dollar store! store!
Half dollar
STAN Alright, let’s get this thing warmed up.
22. The two load up the giant acorns into the machine. flips a switch. Nothing happens. Wow!
Stan
MABEL It’s quiet too!
STAN That’s weird. Stan SMACKS the machine. rhythmically SLAPS it.
It CHOKES and shuts off.
Stan
MABEL What are you, some kind of drummer? I’ve got the beat. Mabel hits the machine like a tom. It’s here we notice that they’re starting to get farther and farther away from the camera... STAN Maybe it’s jammed? Maybe the acorns are too big! Waddles OINKS and turns around to see PACIFICA dragging him. PACIFICA You’re coming with me pig. Waddles OINKS in terror to Mabel who is just a speck in the camera. MABEL (O.S.) I’ll be there in a second Waddles! Waddles looks back at Pacifica, who puts a bag over his head. STATIC -INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - FRONT ROOM - SAME TIME From under the couch, Dipper points the camera on himself. DIPPER (whispers) Okay so, I have now seen a Sasquatch. His brother is about to come inside. I...am so...EXCITED. Wendy, if you’re watching this...I think I’m in love with you. (MORE)
23. DIPPER (CONT'D) I often daydream of what our future will look like and I hope you feel the same way...Phew, that felt good to say out loud. Note to future Dipper, edit that part out...and....go...Okay so, I have now seen a Sasqatch -Yo!
BIG BRO SASQUATCH Little bro!
Dipper points the camera at the hairy feet, joined by another set of hairier feet. SASQUATCH Hey big brother. Did you see me in the newspaper today? BIG BRO SASQUATCH What? That wasn’t you! It was too blurry for anyone to know. You ready for the acorn festival? SASQUATCH Listen, I don’t think we should go. The humans aren’t so bad ya know? Do we have to ruin that old guy’s day again? BIG BRO SASQUATCH What kind of question is that? Of course we do! It’s what we get paid for. SASQUATCH Bro, listen, I’ve been thinking -BIG BRO SASQUATCH Whoa, thinking? Don’t think! Look, you and I are going to have family fun time, okay? And the way we have fun is paying for the AC. Don’t make me wait and put this thing on. Big Bro Sasquatch leaves. Dipper comes out from under the couch. Henry holds a trench coat. DIPPER What did he mean by destroy that old guy’s machine? Uhhh...
SASQUATCH
24. STATIC -BLACK - PIG CAM A panicked OINKING and heavy SNORTING. Somehow the camera spins around to see Waddles OINKING in fear. WADDLES (subtitled) Oinkay, I’ve been pignapped. I don’t know where I’m going. I am so...scared. Mabel! Boy Mabel! Old man! Fat other guy! QUIET YOU!
PACIFICA (O.S.)
Waddles tumbles into the backseat of -THE NORTHWEST’S CAR PACIFICA (CONT’D) Alright little piggy, you’ll just have to wait here until this festival is over. Waddles OINKS. PACIFICA (CONT’D) Why you oink? Because we’ve been winning this festival for years and I’m not about to let you Pines win. She shuts the door to the family car. Then, she reopens it, rolls the window down part way and shuts the door again. CLICK goes the lock. Waddles goes to the window watching Pacifica LAUGH as she leaves. Mabel and Grunkle Stan enter, calling out to Waddles. Pig!
Pig!
STAN Where are you pig!?
MABEL He’s gotta be close. him!
I can smell
STAN What does he smell like, pork chops and mud?
25. MABEL No! He smells like undying love and affection. Here Waddles! Waddles OINKS, but they can’t hear him as they disappear over a hill. Waddles sadly sits down and OINK SIGHS. STATIC -INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - FRONT ROOM - SAME TIME Dipper sets the camera down. He approaches Henry’s hairy body, but still no face is seen. DIPPER -- sounded a lot like sabotage! SASQUATCH Uhh, no? Maybe. Ugh. Look kid, this place doesn’t pay for itself. Do you have any idea how much air conditioning costs? It’s hot here! DIPPER I thought you were just some misunderstood creature, but you’re actually just a...monster! SASQUATCH I don’t get a choice here, okay? What? There money man’s those
DIPPER You always have a choice! are tons of ways to make rather than sabotage an old hopes and dreams...even if dreams are really greedy.
SASQUATCH Look, he’s my brother and we’re family. What kind of family member would I be if I just left him alone? DIPPER ....Umm...not a great...family member? Look, if you’re going to do this, I gotta go warn them. Dipper goes to the door.
Henry stops him.
26. SASQUATCH Sorry kid. I can’t have you sabotaging us sabatoures...sabatagers? Sabatageragerings? Saboteurs. Right.
DIPPER
SASQUATCH Sorry about this.
Sasquatch grabs Dipper, who manages to grab the camera strap and gets thrown into -THE DARK ROOM -- Where the door is SLAMMED shut and locked. on the door. Hey!
DIPPER Let me out!
LET ME OUT!
STATIC END OF ACT TWO
Dipper pounds
27. ACT THREE INT. NORTHWEST CAR - SAME TIME Waddles SLAMS his helmet cam into the car door. WHAM - STATIC - WHAM - STATIC - WHAM! He falls on the seat cushion.
Waddles GRUNTS, tired.
MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Fifteen minutes! Get your syrups ready!! CH-CHUCK. CH-CHUCK. The front doors of the car open. Waddles looks down the middle to see --- THE SASQUATCH BROTHERS wearing trench coats. clear, but their faces shaded by their hats.
The image is
BIG BRO SASQUATCH Hey, why are you looking so down? SASQUATCH I dunno. I was hoping maybe we don’t have to do this? I mean, I think my photos are good enough to make an honest living. Don’t ya think? BIG BRO SASQUATCH Haha, what? Bro, how are we going to sell your photos from the cave and get paid? Use your head. SASQUATCH I guess you’re right... BIG BRO SASQUATCH Look, once this job is done, we can jet and take these ridiculous get ups off. Got it? SASQUATCH Hey...do you smell, undying love and affection? They turn as Waddles LEAPS INTO ACTION! STATIC!
On their SCREAMS --
28. INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - DARK ROOM - SAME TIME Dipper puts the night vision back on the camera. DIPPER Well, here I am again. Currently trapped in a dark room while Sasquatches destroy Grunkle Stan’s machine. And I still don’t have any good footage of the brothers! He sadly takes off his hat and looks right into the lens. DIPPER (CONT’D) I really let everyone down today. Especially Mabel and Stan. They just wanted family fun time and I...was pretty selfish. Man, how am I going to get out of here? Dipper rubs his hand into his hair...and stops. different. He pulls his hand back to reveal...
Something’s
...A HAIRPIN! DIPPER (CONT’D) Mabel! You crazy girl! You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. Dipper takes the pin and uses it on the lock. DIPPER (CONT’D) Okay let’s see here...Just a couple more...clicks... CLICK CLICK!
The door swings open.
Alright!
DIPPER (CONT’D) I’m coming guys!!
He dashes around the corner. Beat.....Beat.... He runs back into the closet and grab the camera. Yeah.
DIPPER (CONT’D) Definitely still need this.
He runs out of the dark room to -STATIC!
29. INT. NORTHWEST CAR - SAME TIME Waddles fights the two Sasquatch brothers by kicking hooves into faces. Hey!
BIG BRO SASQUATCH What the heck is that thing!
Gahhh!
SASQUATCH
Waddles takes control of the wheel and drives the car through the picnic tables, SMASHING machines from various people. BIG BRO SASQUATCH Get off of me you crazy thing! Waddles BITES down on the hairy arm. Waddles looks dead ahead to see the Northwest family making syrups with their machines. Pacifica looks to the driver. ...Shoot.
PACIFICA
Waddles whips the car towards them, pushes the window button down and -JUMPS out the window. Waddles watches as the car SMASHES through the iSyrup machine. An explosion of syrup covers the family. The Sasquatch brothers jump out of the car. Pacifica STOMPS up to the brothers. PACIFICA (CONT’D) You idiots! You were supposed to destroy the Pines machine, not ours! BIG BRO SASQUATCH (to Sasquatch) We better get outta here. Pacifica chases after Big Bro Sasquatch, as Henry runs off in another direction. Waddles!
MABEL
30. Waddles looks to Mabel and Stan. MABEL (CONT’D) There you are my little truffle snuffle! STAN Great, we got the pig. finish --
Now to
MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Five minute warning! Perfectly plot pointed five minute warning! What?!
MABEL That’s not enough time!
STAN And my machine’s broken. Guess this isn’t my time of the year. Wait!!
DIPPER (O.S.)
Mabel, Waddles and Stan turn to see -DIPPER -- running at them carrying an arm full of huge acorns and the camera around his neck. Dipper!
MABEL
DIPPER Sorry I got so sidetracked guys. Ready to win this thing? STAN It’s too late for us kid. Stan shows Dipper the broken machine. STAN (CONT’D) Without the grinder working, the acorns won’t get crushed so...no syrup. DIPPER There’s gotta be some way. Dipper looks right at Waddles.
31. DIPPER (CONT’D) I think I’ve got an idea. STATIC! Dipper and Waddles stand on top of the machine. Mabel looks into the camera and wipes the screen, stopping the broken focusing problem. MABEL That must’ve been annoying. DIPPER Okay Waddles. Just do what Mabel said early. Smash and mash! Waddles OINKS in agreement and proceeds to SMASH the acorns, like grapes in a wine maker. As the machine SHAKES, Stan sticks a squirrel shaped bottle near the spout. MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Ten...nine...eight... STAN Come on kid! MABEL You can do it!! MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Seven...six...five... Stan turns the spout. FASTER!
Nothing.
Dipper and Waddles STOMP
STAN Come on...come on... MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Four...three...two...one! The tiniest DROP of syrup comes out of the spout and SLAPS the bottom of the bottle. MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) (CONT’D) Time! Shut your machines off and present your bottles to the judging table! Stan picks up the bottle.
32. STAN Huh. Well, at least it’s something. STATIC! EXT. MAIN STAGE - LATER Mabel passes the camera to Dipper who PANS across the various jars of syrup. Mayor Hirsch puts in a teeny tiny spoon to each jar and samples the syrups before moving on. Dipper looks to Mabel who cleans up Waddles’ syrupy hooves. STAN Gotta hand it to you kid, you really came through in the end. Kind of thought you weren’t coming back. DIPPER Yeah well, I couldn’t miss family fun time. I don’t know what could be more important. Mabel smiles at this, Waddles nods. MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) My goodness! What is this? Dipper whips the camera to the stage. Mayor Hirsch squeezes the tiniest droplet of syrup from the squirrel bottle. MAYOR HIRSCH (CONT’D) This may be the best syrup I’ve ever had! Who made this? We did!
MABEL We did!
MAYOR HIRSCH It’s as if the smallest amount of this syrup transformed the very fabric of my imagination. One drop truly was enough. Really?
STAN I mean, yes, really.
MAYOR HIRSCH I think we’ve found the blue ribbon winner!
33. People CHEER as Stan hops up on stage. Yes!
STAN Finally! In your face!!
People run to the stage with fists of cash. TOURIST 1 Where can I buy just a drop? TOURIST 2 I’ll pay any price for a taste! While this goes on, Dipper looks back at the woods, and sees Henry watching from behind a tree. Dipper goes to him. Hey kid. Hey Henry.
SASQUATCH DIPPER
SASQUATCH Listen, I’m sorry about tossing you in the dark room. That wasn’t a good way to treat a guest. I’ll say.
DIPPER
SASQUATCH Guess you guys won after all. That’s good. Looks like it’s going to be a hot summer. Maybe. idea.
DIPPER Or maybe I have another
STATIC! EXT. MAIN STAGE - MOMENTS LATER Dipper introduces the trenchcoated Henry to Toby. at a scrap book full of awesome photos. TOBY These are great! We’ve been needing another photographer since our last one ran away or was put away. One of those. You want a job?
Toby looks
34. SASQUATCH Do I? Aww man. That would be awesome! You’ve got a deal. Henry and Toby shake hands.
Toby looks at the hairy hand.
TOBY You’ve got hair all over your knuckles? Just like me! Mabel ENTERS. MABEL Hey Dipper, ready for a family photo? DIPPER I think so. I’m looking forward to editing all this stuff for Mom and Dad...andpossiblyWendywhoknowsdidIs aythat? TOBY (to Henry) Ready for your first assignment? STATIC! EXT. PINES TABLE - MOMENTS LATER The camera focuses on the family. make sure it’s set.
Dipper steps in front to
DIPPER Okay...perfect. Dipper runs to the family and poses next to the machine. DIPPER (CONT’D) Hey Henry, why not set the timer and jump in? SASQUATCH You think that’s a good idea? Sure!
DIPPER
SASQUATCH Okay...here we go. Henry runs behind Dipper.
35. MABEL Everybody say ‘Take that Pacifica!’ FLASH! INSERT: The photo shows the Pine family, Dipper with his eyes closed, Mabel mouthwide open, Stan looking confused and... HENRY. His face perfectly clear and yet fuzzy as a teddy bear in the photo. Smiling. END OF ACT THREE
36. TAG INT. THE MYSTERY HACK - NEXT DAY - DREAM SEQUENCE Dipper shows Wendy the Gravity Falls Gossiper. DIPPER See? That’s Henry the Sasquatch right on the cover. WENDY Wow Dipper. That was amazing. sure are one popular guy.
You
ROBBIE enters. ROBBIE Hey Wendy, you want to go the arcade? WENDY Heck no! I’m done with you Robbie. I’m Dipper’s girl now. Wendy plants a kiss on Dipper’s cheek. Dipper?
Dipper melts.
SOOS (V.O.) Yo, Dipper! END DREAM SEQ.
INT. THE MYSTERY HACK - NEXT DAY Dipper snaps out of his daydream. SOOS You wanted to show us something? Dipper shows Wendy and Soos the Gossiper. Dude!
WENDY Look at your face!
What?
DIPPER Not me, Sasquatch!
SOOS Ha! Mabel’s catching flies with a mouth that big.
37. WENDY And look at Stan! ridiculous.
You guys are
Dipper SIGHS, but before we FADE OUT -20-8-1-14-11-19
6-15-18
END OF EPISODE
18-5-1-4-9-14-7!
