leonard cohen

CHAPTER 1 I GUESS. WHAT IS A CHAPTER WHO DECIDES WHAT A CHAPTER IS

I don‟t like plots. Plots are really stupid. Not every story needs a plot. Who cares about that diagram that shows the exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution? The answer is nobody cares. Nobody cares about the diagram that shows the exposition, ex position, rising action,

climax, falling action, and resolution. Nobody likes p lots. This will not have a plot. Is “not having a plot” a plot? Fuck. I don‟t like songs either. Is the plot of this going to be things I dislike or is the plot going to do with not wanting to have h ave a plot? I don‟t kno w. Put this in your diagram. This will be in the exposition. Anyway songs are stupid. Songs are only for certain people. This sounds sound s angsty.

Whatever. Okay. A lot of songs are for fo r rejects. That‟s not very nice but it‟s true. Seriously listen to it and you‟ll hear how “it‟s okay to be sad and alone”. That is true but that‟s not the only thing that the entire population ever deals with and it‟s not very appealing. Songs can also be for lovers and junk. I don‟t have lovers and I don‟t have junk. They should have songs for average people. “Today Was Really Normal and I Ate Whipped Cream and Watched Teen Tee n Wolf and Fell Asleep at 9‟oclock,” I would so listen to that song. Is this still the exposition? Has the action risen yet? My eyes hurt and it feels like acid was poured po ured into them. I bet pouring acid in your eyes hurts a lot more than this. But it still hurts. It feels like nice and calm acid was poured into my eyes; the kind of acid that picks up pencils in the hallways and says excuse me and gives you a

piece of gum without you asking. It gives you the fruity kind. That kind of acid is in my m y eyes. You can stay for a while, acid. I like you a lot.

I don‟t like books written by girls and that‟s not h ateful towards my own gender or  anything. I guess it is because I‟m saying that I don‟t like something that girls do which is pretty hateful towards my own gender. But I like books written by boys because they‟re better. That is

 pretty mean I‟m sorry and I wish I could take it back but I also don‟t want to take it back because it‟s my thoughts and I like my thoughts sometimes. This is really incoherent and that‟s okay cause I don‟t care and I want to put words down. Whenever I see the word coherent I think of Leonard Cohen and then I think of Seth Cohen from

The O.C and then I get happy cause that show makes me happy. I‟m trying too hard. That‟s okay.

I like to type sentences with „I‟ in them becaus e Word always capitalizes them and I feel like I have a pal that‟s looking loo king out for me and that‟s really nice. I enjoy pals like Word. If anyone ever read this they‟d be like “ur weird” and I‟d be like “heh.” Songs are playing and now I‟m really annoyed because I‟m not in love nor am I so sad that I cannot move. I want wan t to turn this music off. Music is loud noise and people magically shifting their talk-y voices into flow- y voices and it‟s weird and I don‟t like it. Leonard Cohen Leonard Cohen Leonard Cohen. Today in Spanish we were giving the class directions to a place in the school. We had to

give them in Spanish of course cause we‟re in Spanish and that makes m akes sense and I guessed where the person ended up in. I guessed the bathroom. I got candy. I say candy because I don‟t know

how to spell the chocolate and an d peanut butter cups that start with an R and I don‟t want to go look  it up. If I looked it up people will think I‟m fat because I google candy all day. But I don‟t don ‟t

google candy all day I just don‟t know how to spell it. So S o I will refer to it as candy. If I don‟t know how to spell something again throughout this not story I will refer to it as cand y and you‟ll have to use context clues to figure out what the word is. I‟m not very good at spelling. I‟m not very good at a lot of things but that‟s alright because it just is. I left this open for a while because I didn‟t want to embarrass myself anymore but it‟s okay. I came back because b ecause I love you but bu t not really. This is really stupid and I‟m trying too har d to be witty and it‟s not working but I‟m still going to try because I want to. Wit-wit-witty-tit-tit. I‟m tired and sad and I don‟t want to do this anymore. My jacket smells like campfire and sadness but also Cheetos. Today I had a pimple on my forehead and it was really noticeable and I was like “why

 pimple” and it said “heh.” Can you feel the action rising?

I like songs with no words because you don‟t do n‟t have to interpret anything and interpreting hurts my head so I‟m not going to do that right now. My head hurts already from trying to be witty-tit-tit. THERE ARE SO MANY PARAGRAPHS AND NONE OF THEM ARE RELEVENT AND THEY ARE ALL LEONARD COHEN.

I haven‟t thrown up in ten years. I bet it feels like acid. And I bet it doesn‟t feel like the nice acid. It is stomach acid. Once I was getting cramps and I thought m y appendix was bursting so I went the doctor

and she just said “it‟s just cramps” and I was like sorry. I also don‟t like music because I try to find something to relate to while listening to it and I‟m trying to find something that would make me sad and that is really not good.

I wish my name was Edwardo.

I don‟t wish my name was Edwardo. Am I on drugs? I think the action is rising. The action is rising like my pulse.

I‟m not on drugs. It‟s 7 o‟clock and I want to sleep but bu t I can‟t because I‟m on drugs but the funny thing is I‟m not on drugs. I wonder what it feels like to be on drugs. I bet it feels better than this. I lied. I am too sad to move.

The action isn‟t rising. The action never rose. I am constantly in exposition. I want to sleep.

CHAPTER 2 THE FACT THAT IM CALING THESE CHAPTERS IS MAKING ME SEEM LIKE A PRETENTIOUS BUTT HOLE AND I HATE MYSELF. GOODBYE (BUT NOT REALLY)

I want to have relations with the Jonas Jon as Brothers. I don‟t know if “the” is a part of the title so I didn‟t capitalize it. The Jonas Brothers are attractive and Nick Jonas sounds like he‟s really feeling it you know. I like that. I can dig it. Dig-tit. I can dig-tit Nick Jonas. Jo nas. I am less sad now cause I turned on o n the Jonas Brothers. (I did not turn on the Jonas Brothers I simply played their music. I am not capable cap able of sexually arousing the Jonas Brothers.) But yes I am in fact less self-loathing now (but not really). There is something very special about Disney stars. The special thing is that they are

most likely attractive and they make me feel warm and fuzzy and not sad. I use “sad” a lot but I like that word and I‟m going to use u se it.

Do you think peo ple would like this better if I didn‟t use capital letters? letters? Well tough

noodles cause my good ol‟ o l‟ pal Word won‟t let that happen. Word is a true friend. Word knows what‟s best for me. Word gives people pep talks and supplies drugs at parties and convinces everyone that you will be able ab le to touch the stars. That‟s what people s ay about drugs, right?

“You will be able to touch the stars.” You won‟t touch the stars. You will throw up and you will hate yourself and wake up with spiders in your brain. Word is not a very good pal. Don‟t trust

Word. I wish word would stop correcting my sentences. I wish Word wouldn‟t put spiders in my head. This is stupid and I need to take a shower cause I smell like fungus.

Update: I just got out of the shower. You wouldn‟t know that cause you‟re not me and you are also not my shower. Researchers concluded that showers suck. I just made that up. Yesterday I was sitting in Spanish (a lot of things happen in Spanish apparently) and I was messing with my lip. My lip ripped. It felt like a paper cut. Well, actually, it felt like I ripped my lip. My lips were chapped and it just split open like a can yon. Now I have a slit down my lip

and it hurts really terribly. I don‟t know wh y I keep messing with it but it is throbbing. Lip throbs are the worst kind of throbs.

I am very not pleased with this second chapter thingy. I‟ve lost my tit-wit. I have lost my mojo. This isn‟t even fun anymore but it wasn‟t very fun to begin with. That was very negative and I sincerely apologize. But not really. Heh.

I have a very big fear of o f my fingers locking up at the knuckles. I‟ll be writing homework  or typing or just eating and I‟ll be like “Good god my fingers are going to not be able to bend

and I will have to break them to get them back to normal. This is why I pop my fingers all the

time because if I pop my fingers they the y won‟t be able to lock. I don‟t know why but it makes me feel less anxious.

I don‟t know how to end this chapter. I DECLARE YOU OVER. OVER I SAY. (I decided this is the last thing I will ever write on this stupid thing and I hate it and goodbye I appreciate you so farewell)