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Dating Principles

Dating Principles by Jay Julio © 2006, 2008, All Rights Reserved.

Dating Principles

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Dating Principles 2nd Edition

5 Simple Yet Powerful Guidelines that Make Interacting with Any Women Easy And Effortless by Jay Julio ©2006, 2008, All Rights Reserved. This book may not be reprinted in part or in whole by any person or entity without written permission from Jay Julio: [email protected]

Jay Julio and coolguywithwomen.com cannot be held legally liable for any action(s) you take. By reading Dating Principles, you understand and accept that the information in this book is an opinion and you are responsible for your own behavior.


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Dating Principles Table of Contents

What You Really Need to Know About Dating Women ............................................................................... 4 The Secret to Getting the Most Out of This Book…...................... 5 The Most Powerful Word in the World!....................................... 6 Change the Way You Think About Dating................................... 7 How to Prepare Your Thinking for Succeeding With Women................................................................................. 8 Multiply Your Results by Using the 5 Dynamic Dating Principles ............................................................................ 10

Be Valuable! ....................................................................... 11 No No No No

Desperation!................................................................... 12 Clinginess! ..................................................................... 14 Jealousy!........................................................................ 16 Excuses or Justifications! .................................................. 17

Be Positive! ....................................................................... 19 No Complaining! .................................................................. 20 No Negativity! ..................................................................... 22

Be Congruent! ................................................................... 25 No Disclosure! ..................................................................... 26 No Apologies! ...................................................................... 27

Be Cool!.............................................................................30 No End-Gaining! .................................................................. 31 No Manipulation!.................................................................. 32 No Arguing!......................................................................... 34

Be Present!........................................................................ 37 No Discussion! ..................................................................... 38 No Approval-Seeking! ........................................................... 40

Review the Dating Principles and the Underlining Attitudes ........................................................................... 43


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Introduction:

What You Really Need to Know About Dating Women There are two key areas in learning to date women or become better at it. Dating Principles covers the basics of the most important of the two. These principles are a set of easy to follow practical guidelines that can and will greatly improve your abilities interacting with women the better you become at applying them, which will automatically cause them to become attracted to you. And here’s the reason why: Women are naturally attracted to men who have a specific CHARACTER. So essentially what this book is really about is laying down the exact instructions on how to go about developing this kind of character in yourself. Really, it has little to do with women. It has to do with the way you think – and it is the way you think that will change the way you respond to women and their behavior.


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And by simply changing the way you respond to women and their behavior, this will cause them to respond back very differently and in a way that causes them to respect you. See, I’m under the strong impression that it doesn’t really matter whether you can easily meet and talk to women, get their phone numbers, date a lot of women, or even sleep with a lot of women – IF they don’t or have no respect for you. The truth is: women will never make you happy. That’s your responsibility BEFORE you even invite women into your life. Women can only add to your happiness; they can’t and will never have the power to create it for you. And after all, would you be truly happy if you become “successful” with women, but they still had no respect for you? Now, most dating advice seems to be aimed at improving your PERSONALTIY, which is important for meeting and talking to women. No doubt about it. In fact, I cover how to improve personality in “Cool Guy with Women”. But if you want long-term success – or in other words, you eventually want to be capable of establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with a woman, what’s really important is your character. And that’s what the entire focus of this eBoolet is on.

The Secret to Getting the Most Out of This Book… After you’ve read this book, I strongly encourage you to print out the last section that lists the principles in clear, concise statements


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and review them often – especially when you know you’re going to be interacting with women. Having the principles fresh and in the forefront of your mind is critical because when you do so, it’s much easier to catch yourself making “mistakes”. Now, making mistakes is important, so don’t go around trying to avoid them because you know that you “shouldn’t” make them or because you know the “right” thing to do. In fact, that very attitude is the biggest mistake you can possibly make. No, what’s important is that you NOTICE not only when and how you make the mistakes, but you also realize the reactions or how women respond when you make them. And there’s a critical reason why you need to know this: See, until you experience what you don’t want for yourself, it can be difficult to know why you’re applying these principles. So instead of applying them to get what you want for yourself, it tends to become about getting it “right”, usually motivated by the urge to prove yourself to others – which actually stops you from getting what you want. And it all starts with...

The Most Powerful Word in the World! Ultimately, this word is the reason you are where you are today, experiencing what you’re experiencing. And this word is at the foundation of all choices – for your choices created your reality. See, what makes a guy great with women or a failure with women is due to the choices he’s made and the choices he’s making. But have ever thought about what choice really is?


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If you boil it down, choice can be summed up with but one simply, short word: NO. “No, I will not do that.” That’s really what it’s all about. This may sound vague right now. But I assure you, by the end of this book, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Change the Way You Think About Dating Becoming truly successful with women and dating does not directly involve doing the “right things”, or learning specific techniques or pick-up lines. No! Success begins by changing the way you think. Every circumstance in your life, even if you’re not aware of it, is a result of the way you’re thinking. Well, the same applies to dating. So if your dating life is poor, it’s because you’re thinking in a way that repels the women you want. So by change your thinking, you change the circumstances in your dating life. Now, there seems to be two kinds of thinking guys have when it comes to dating. One gets amazing long-term results, the other doesn’t. What it comes down to is making a choice between SECURITY and FREEDOM. When guys go for security, they begin to calculate. And it’s the calculation that gets in the way of long-term success. By trying to do what they think will guarantee them success actually guarantees their failure.


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But when you want freedom, you fully embrace risks, which frees you from hesitation. You free yourself from insecurity and desperation, which allows you to act. Risk lets you be real – instead of relying on phony techniques that conceal who you really are. However, risking, without direction, is dangerous too. But when you learn to use your desire – to date the kinds of women you want – to guide your risks, the experience propels you to success. It gives you all the lessons you need. And that’s what you’re going to learn here. You’re going to learn exactly how to change your thinking so that you’re prepared to start experiencing success with women.

How to Prepare Your Thinking for Succeeding With Women How do you prepare your thinking? What’s required? What we’re after is an ATTITUDE. Ultimately, what will bring you success with women and dating, like any other desire in life, is to develop a specific attitude toward both: yourself and women in general. The reason is simple: Attitude accounts for about 80% of success, while specific things “to do”, like techniques, account for only 20%. So focus on the attitude! It is attitude that creates opportunities as all your actions reflect that attitude.


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That’s why certain attitudes magnetically attract women, while others repel women. And if you want to attract women, you have to develop a specific kind of attitude. But what exactly is an attitude? And how do you cultivate the kind that women find attractive? Well, an attitude is a team of responses. What this means is that it no longer becomes a matter of doing the “right thing”, but rather living from a certain perspective, which naturally attracts women. Essentially, it’s about learning to say “No.” Now, a powerful attitude like this is developed through DISCIPLINE. But what is discipline? Discipline is simply the practice of following a framework of PRINCIPLES that harmonize with natural laws – and the nature of women’s behavior. Women are attracted to disciplined men with strong wills who refuse to compromise on their principles. And women are repulsed by men who don’t have any principles guiding their lives – or men who compromise on their principles. Sure, it may be faster to get lucky and leave things to chance without principles, but doing that limits and removes your choices. Then you have to settle for what you can get. And what you do get usually depletes over time. But though following a principle path may be a slower process in the beginning because it’s deliberate, it’s not only more adventurous but you get exactly what you want. And as you get more experienced, the results begin to multiply rapidly and exponentially.


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Multiply Your Results by Using the 5 Dynamic Dating Principles There are five powerful principles that, if you apply all of them to your dating life, you can never really lose. These principles simply guide you into knowing what you want to say “No” to. And when you get good at applying them in real life situations or interactions, you will get the woman you want. And more importantly, you will get the kind of relationships or dynamic interactions you want, where you’re always in control and powerful! And although these principles are applied to women and dating here, their purpose is to improve and center yourself. It’s all about you. It’s about accepting responsibility and making a change. Then you’re ready to welcome the circumstances you desire. After you’ve learned how to apply each one of these principles in your life, you will be prepared to truly transform your dating life. So here are the five powerful principles that will revolutionize your dating life...

1) Be Valuable! 2) Be Positive! 3) Be Congruent! 4) Be Cool! 5) Be Present!


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Principle #1:

Be Valuable! Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a man who knows that he is valuable, and is also aware of just how valuable he is. Being valuable means that you accept responsibility for yourself and your life because you know that you are worthy. You know that you deserve to get what you want. And you also know that you refuse to settle for anything less! Cultivate the attitude that says:

“I am valuable in and of myself.” This is the most important principle to master... for it is the foundation on which the remaining four are formed. When you can admit and accept that every circumstance and every situation you find yourself in is of your making and therefore under your control, you empower yourself to throw out the excuses and overcome any difficulties you face. You remove all the obstacles and illusions that attempt to convince you that you have little or no value.


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Having self-value will do more for your success with women and dating than anything else. Now, to become valuable, you must stop “devaluing” yourself, especially through the behavior you practice around women. You must understand the reasons why guys don’t believe they are valuable by being able to recognize the symptoms, and then practice eliminating these symptoms from your behavior. So here’s the list of the ‘symptoms of unworthiness’... when it comes to dealing with women: • • • •

Desperation Clinginess Jealousy Excuses

As you go through them, notice if any apply to you. Then, what you need to do is stop the very thoughts before the symptoms even begin to show themselves in your communication.

No Desperation! Nothing... I repeat: NOTHING repels women like desperation. Desperation is the biggest symptom guys exhibit that completely destroy their chances with women. Allowing yourself to be desperate is not only disrespectful to yourself, it lowers your values you in women’s eyes. When you’re desperate for a woman, what you’re telling her is, “You’re better than me. You’re also the answer to all my problems in life. And even though you believe this, I know it a lie.” See, if a guy believes a woman is better than him, she’ll believe it too. This also tends to place a lot of pressure on her... and women do not like this kind of pressure. In fact, a woman wants to get the best man she can. And if you’re desperate, you’re telling her that it definitely isn’t you! Dating Principles by Jay Julio © 2006, 2008, All Rights Reserved.

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Desperation is often expressed through the attitude that you have to “win” or “buy” a woman’s heart. This involves giving things to her at your own expense, with the intention of getting something in return. Generally, involving money, things like dinners, gifts, drinks, flowers, etc. But this is beyond desire. It’s desperation. Now, there is a fine line between desire and desperation, just as there is also a fine line between passion and obsession. So what makes the distinction? Where is that line? The answer is simple: It’s found in having no attachment to a woman! So if you place more value on yourself and your own life than on getting a woman, and even though you’re interested in a woman, that will be interpreted as desire. Desperation is when you value getting a woman more than your own life. It can be summed up with these two statements...

“I may want you, but I don’t need you.” See, one of the biggest lies our culture seems to teach when it comes to “romance” is the idea that “I can’t live without her.” What BS! The only person you can’t live without is yourself. In fact, you could live without any woman before you met her. It makes no difference afterwards, except, perhaps, in the mind. So the second statement is:

“I may like you, but no more than I like myself.”


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The truth is, no woman is worth valuing more than yourself and your own life, so always focus on yourself. Essentially, what this means is that you let no woman become something in your life that gives you your sense of value. If, in your mind, you’re “using” a woman as a way to validate yourself or give you value, you’re headed for disaster. Value yourself independent of outside circumstances – that’s the only thing of importance. So avoid getting so attached that walking away would cause you to lose a sense of that “inner value”. Now, keep this in mind: Remember that it is the guys who let themselves get attached to a woman. And they do this by thinking about a woman when she’s not there instead of working at improving their lives or getting what they want in life. Here’s a simple concept to help stop yourself from obsessing over a woman: The only time worth thinking about a woman is when you are actually communicating with her, whether out on a date or on the phone. Avoid thinking about her when she’s not with you! So whenever you catch yourself starting to think about a woman and start “dreaming” or “fantasizing” about her, think: “No desperation!”

No Clinginess! Clinginess is another big symptom of unworthiness. Similar to desperation, clinginess will also repel women quickly. Here’s the run-down:


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Women want a man who is secure in himself. They want a man who is independent. And basically what clinginess says is, “I’m not independent or secure enough to be all by myself.” Clinginess is often expressed through behavior where a guy feels like he always has to be with someone. So if a woman moves away, he moves closer. He feels like he always has to be right ‘beside her’. Generally, this involves giving time to women as if it were worthless to you. But your time is really one of your most important resources. Now, clinginess includes doing things like always being available to get together with a woman at the drop of a hat, calling her too often, or using every chance to talk to her. This kind of insecurity will send women for the hills! Again, there’s a simple answer to overcoming clinginess: Live your life the way you want! Do what you want to do! Look at it this way: Work at making your life the party, and then you give her the invitation. It can be summed up with:

“I’m living my life and you’re welcome to join me – if you treat me with respect.” So whenever you communicate or get together with a woman, avoid making the woman the “party” – or the “center of attention”. Stop focusing the “date” or meeting around the woman. Instead, center it around yourself and enjoying your life. Center it around having a fun time, and giving her a great experience. This is key. Now, the main reason clinginess surfaces is exactly because the guy makes the woman the center of the date.


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And no woman wants that kind of pressure. So whenever you’re getting together with a woman and you notice that you start placing the excitement directly on the woman instead of enjoying yourself and showing her a good time, think: “No clinginess!”

No Jealousy! Jealousy is among the top three killers of success in being attractive to women. So where does jealousy come from? Essentially, it comes when a guy believes he is of little value and than projects that insecurity onto a woman. But the truth is: it has nothing to do with her. The real issue is with the guy letting himself become jealous because he thinks that he “owns” or “possesses” a woman. Now, when a guy is jealous, he is telling a woman, “I don’t believe I deserve you, but I’m going try to make you like me by acting like a complete lunatic.” But you know what? A woman wants to be deserved! In fact, it’s the best kind of flattery she can get... that a great guy is giving her a chance. Again, jealousy comes from a guy attaching himself to a woman. It’s almost as if he has his entire life revolving around her, he has big plans for her in his life... so early! Sometimes, even before the first date. Jealousy is often expressed through the attitude that there is a chance a guy might lose the woman. It involves things like becoming immobilized when a woman talks to other men, or talks about other men.


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The answer is to let things take their course one step at a time. If you just met a woman or went out on one date, stop thinking about being her boyfriend. Instead, focus finding out if she’s the kind of woman you want. It can be summed up with this...

“I deserve the exact woman I want... let’s see if you’re her.” So start seeing your dating life as qualifying women instead of trying to get a woman where you want her. You’ll get there if you give your attention to the process and she is suitable. The Screening Process in “Cool Guy with Women” teaches you exactly how to do this. So if you ever find yourself thinking that you’re going to lose your chances with a woman, remind yourself that continuing to think like that will make it happen. Instead take it as it comes by thinking: “No jealousy!”

No Excuses or Justifications! Making excuses or justifications for your short-comings is another symptom of unworthiness, and a big turn off to women. Women want a man who is confident and knows that he can and will achieve what he wants. Excuses and justifications are cope-outs... and she knows it. So making excuses for short-comings is a sign of insecurity. It’s a symptom of seeing value yourself or believing that you are of any worth. When you being your excuses and justifications to women, they here this: “I don’t think I meet up to your standards, but please let it slide.”


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Basically, it involves giving women reasons why you don’t “meet up to par” or giving reasons why you couldn’t “come through”. “It’s not my fault,” is what the subtext says. Now, the answer is to know what you want, be aware of where you are, be open to learning how to get what you want, and finally take actions toward that everyday. Really, this has much more to do with getting your personal life organized, but it can be summed up with...

“There are difficulties to overcome, but I have a plan to get what I want.” So, with women, stop making excuses for why you aren’t who you want to be today or for not having what you want yet. Instead, develop plans and act on them. Simply, say nothing. She’ll see that. And really, that’s all that’s necessary. So there’s nothing “to do” with women here – except to stopping making excuses or justifying who you are right now. So if you’re ever out with a woman and one of your shortcomings rolls into the picture, think: “No excuses or justifications!” And then blow it off with the kind of humor taught in “Cool Guy with Women”.


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Principle #2:

Be Positive! Women love being around men who are positive! In fact, nobody likes being around negative people. Nobody likes to be around someone who complains about every little problem. Being positive means that when you encounter a problem, you accept its presence and immediately shift to finding a solution, rather than concentrating on the problem itself. Build the attitude that says:

“I focus on the bright side of everything.” But what determines what side a person looks at? Why do some people focus on the problem, while others look for the solution? It comes down to one decision: do you want to enjoy your life? Guys who want to enjoy their lives realize that every moment is life, regardless of what is present – or missing. And they can either notice all the things that are wrong or deficient in the moment... or


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they can give their attention to what they have, the abundance they are experiencing. When you make a commitment to welcome only positive thoughts, you become aware of when negative thoughts attempt to intrude. This doesn’t mean, however, that the problem is ignored. In “Cool Guy with Women” I teach conversation techniques on how to prevent these negatives thoughts from growing in your interactions with women. Having the ability to navigate through and around any negativity a woman throws at you will only create a vacuum of attraction toward you because guys who focus on the positive are rare! Now, there are two general situations to be aware of when it comes to fortifying your positivity. So here are the ‘symptoms of pessimism’... • •

Complaining Negativity

The key to overcoming these is to give your attention to enjoying your life! And when women notice you enjoying your life... they’ll want to be a part of it too.

No Complaining! There seems to be a common understanding with men that women complain. And sure, this may be so in most cases. But the truth is, even if women complain, they are attracted to men who, somehow, mysteriously, can prevent even them from complaining... A man who allows only positive outlooks into his life. Now, this doesn’t mean that he lives in a perfect world. It just means that he approaches difficulties with curiosity and something to be faced and overcome – rather than avoided. Dating Principles by Jay Julio © 2006, 2008, All Rights Reserved.

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How do most men respond to a woman’s complaints? They listen to women’s problems, and then attempt to give them solutions. After all, “If she’s telling me about a problem, why does she get upset when I give her the solution?” some wonder. “Why do they then start complaining that I’m not listening to them!?” Here’s the secret: What these men don’t realize is that women don’t want a solution to their problem. What women really want is not to have their problems listened to in the first place! Sound ironic? See, the woman’s problem isn’t the problem. The real problem is the issue. The problem is her complaining! This will unlikely be admitted by any woman, but, as is explained in detail in “Cool Guy with Women”, women want a man that can pull her into his positive world – instead of a man who allows himself to be pulled into her negative world. So a major key to dealing with women is to say “No” to any complaining about personal problems. And this means yours as well! So if you want to be intimate with a woman, nothing will prevent that like listening to her problems and trying to be her friend. It simply doesn’t work that way in real life. Here’s “million-dollar” question: Do you want to spend time with a woman you’re interested in talking about problems... or enjoying yourselves? If you’re like me, you want to enjoy yourselves. The choice truly is yours!


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It can be summed up with this...

“All complaining about what is not my responsibility or what I can’t change is unacceptable behavior!” So start noticing when women start to complain, and ask yourself what you could have done or communicated that would have prevented it – before she brought it up. Learn from it, and apply it next time. Also pay attention to the “seeds” of complaining. Complaining usually starts small and most times it could have been “defused” if you would have caught earlier on before it grew. So start looking for those opportunities. And finally, never complain about your problems to a woman who you’re interested in dating. It will repel her. What you’re telling her when you do this is, “I’m irresponsible.” This usually tends to bring out a woman’s “motherly” side toward you. So she’ll start seeing you as a “pet project” that she has to “clean up” or “fix” rather than someone she wants to get involved with. But you want her to see you as lover material, right? So any time you notice a woman going into complaining mode, remind yourself you want a romantic relationship, so always remember: “No complaining!”

No Negativity! Obviously, the world is filled with both negatives and positives. But the real question is: do you want your world to be filled with the negative things in life, or the positive?


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Sure, you may not be able to control the world. But one thing is certain: You have complete control over your own thoughts! And your thoughts determine whether you’ll view experiences are positive or negative. So start thinking:

“I always move toward the positive, leaving the negative behind as a side-effect.” Again, do you want to enjoy life, or be beaten by it? Women want a man who enjoys it! And women always find men who let life beat them repulsive. A man who enjoys his life for himself, understands that attracting success with women is not the reason, but a great benefit – a great addition. Essentially, interacting with a woman is simply communicating what kind of world you live in. So when you initiate with a woman, you’re letting her know what she will experience if she hangs out with you. Now, think about this for a moment: How do you start conversations with women? Or people in general? What kind of small talk do you make? Generally, would you say it’s negative... or positive? “Awful weather we’re having, isn’t it? There’s been no sun in three days!” How’s a woman going to respond to that? She’s going to think about it, and then probably agree. This isn’t welcoming her into a positive state of mind.


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“This weather reminds me of being a boy. Having fun in the rain, and not giving a damn whether I got soaked.” How about that? A woman may already be thinking about how poor the weather is, and then this guy starts thinking about all these positive memories about it. Perhaps, she’ll think back to her childhood too. Unless the woman has a poor attitude, which you want to avoid anyway, you’ll be welcoming her into a positive state of mind. Really, it’s a matter of accepting what you can’t change, and then interpreting it to your benefit. This means no discussions about the negative side of things that you can’t change... Ever! So whenever you’re out with a woman and things don’t go your way, remember that if you have no direct control over the situation, you always have the power over how you perceive and respond to it! Just remind yourself to think: “No negativity!”


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Principle #3

Be Congruent! Women love men who are honest about their intentions. After all, no one likes to be deceived or feel like they were manipulated into doing something. So a man who is open and honest with his intentions and is rare, and that’s what congruency is all about. Being congruent means that your actions and words match what you’re thinking. There’s a clear translation between who you are and what you do. Simply put, it’s the state of being authentic. But if being congruent is so powerful with women, why are a lot of men incongruent? Well, to some men, getting what they want is more important to them than being true to themselves. With women, “getting” her is more important than communicating who they really are. This tends to lead to all kinds of seduction techniques, which do work... in the short-term.


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But if you want the choice of success both, in the short-term and the long-term, being real is the way to go. So develop the attitude that says:

“I have an identity independent of you.” This is incredibly powerful because then a woman will always know who she’s dealing to. She’ll know a guy isn’t pretending to be someone he’s not just to impress or win her. See, when your identity has nothing to do with a woman’s opinion, her attraction for you multiplies. She knows she’s communicating with the real man within, not some front used to mask a guy’s insecurities and hiding who he really is. So here are the main ‘symptoms of incongruence’... • •

Disclosure Apology

Now, the key to overcoming these is to be real. And what that means is that you prevent yourself from compensating for any insecurities or perceived deficiencies.

No Disclosure! As discussed in “Cool Guy with Women”, women love mystery. And by simply not disclosing or volunteering personal information about yourself and your life, you naturally create mystery. So avoid talking about your personal plans. Do what you want to do on your own time, and stop talking about what you’d like to do. Talk goes only a short distance. But action defines who you are, and also reveals who you are to a woman. It goes a long way.


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See, when guys voluntarily talk about themselves in a way that appears to make them look more valuable, they’re trying to prove themselves. Women can spot this a mile away – and it’s repulsive to them. So stop boasting about who you are, what you can do, or what you have. Instead, just let her figure it out for herself. Start believing this:

“I don’t have to prove myself to anyone – least of all to you.” So be who you are and do what you want and stop trying to actively use it as a way to impress her. Honestly, the idea that you have to prove yourself communicates to women that your sense of self is wrapped up in her opinions. But that’s not true at all. Who you are is defined by your character: what you do, how you think. Ultimately, that’s what women see. That’s what they really look at when evaluating men. See, the only opinion that should really matter to you is the opinion you have of yourself. So whenever you notice the desire to prove yourself to a woman or brag about yourself slipping into your mind, think: “No disclosure!”

No Apologies! Naturally, women love confident men. But when a guy continually apologizes for his behavior, he’s trying to excuse himself from taking responsibility for himself simply because he’s met by some form of disapproval. Ultimately, he lacks identity.


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And if he does something and a woman disapproves of it, he tries to win her approval back by apologizing for it. Essentially, he’s trying to erase what he did – he’s trying to erase himself. But attraction has nothing to do with winning a woman’s approval. No! It has everything to do with having integrity! And, in a sense, not caring whether you get approval or not. Instead of trying to win approval, cultivate this attitude instead:

“This is who I am and where I’m at right now – and if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to leave. In fact, I encourage you to do so!” Having the guts to stand up for yourself, and having the power to say “No” to anyone, is a very attractive trait. A lot of guys think that in order to be successful with women, they have to please her. But the opposite is true. Trying to please her by adjusting your behavior to match who she thinks you should be will create failure. Instead, align your behavior with who you want to be. This means that you eliminate all apologizing for your behavior. So if a woman sees something you do in your life as unacceptable, don’t change it for her. “Cool Guy with Women” teaches you exactly how to handle yourself in these situations. It teaches you how to find that fine balance between no apologies, yet no animosity. And that’s attractive to women. So make no apologies for who you are. Yes, if you don’t like your behavior, change it for yourself – but never for a woman, or anyone else.


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Again, if a woman criticizes you, don’t make any explanations for what you’ve done. It’s her problem for not accepting you. It’s not your problem that you don’t fit her mold. It’s hers! She can accept who you are – or find someone else! So whenever you get any kind of disapproval from a woman, always remember, “No apologies!”


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Principle #4:

Be Cool! It’s no secret, women love cool guys. But what does it mean to be cool? What exactly is cool? Cool is not an image. It’s not vanity. It’s not doing the right thing at the right time, necessarily. Being cool is about maintaining balance. It’s the ability to be calm, collected, and poised – no matter what the external situation is. Really, it’s a matter of directing your responses and mastering your emotions. So develop the attitude that says:

“I have control over the way I choose to respond to outside influences.” It all about composure!


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What that means is that you have the inner confidence that, no matter what kind of spinning events life throws your way, you are able to respond to them in a way without losing ‘your cool’. Essentially, being cool is the ability to direct your thinking, your responses, and not be influenced by others without first making the decision. See, expecting a specific end, especially when it concerns a woman, will make them uncomfortable. Women can sense when I guy has an agenda very quickly. And by being cool, you kick all agendas out of your mind and start accepting whatever happens. You have no expectations. Here are the ‘symptoms of anxiety’... • • •

End-gaining Manipulation Arguing

Now, the key to overcoming these symptoms is to be independent in your thinking. This means that your experience is whole without needing any outside actions or events to happen to make it complete, like having a woman give you her number or let you kiss her.

No End-Gaining! To borrow a term from a man whose work has been highly influential to me, FM Alexander, end-gaining is a habit of focusing one’s attention mostly on “the prize”... or the “end”. End-gaining is the eager attitude of neglecting the process necessary to bring about the conditions to achieve a certain end, by instead, focusing only on the end itself. So with women, this can be anything from getting her phone number to sleeping with her to getting into a long-term relationship. By placing all your focus on these “hallmarks”, you have no attention to give to the process, which is necessary to bring you there. Dating Principles by Jay Julio © 2006, 2008, All Rights Reserved.

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And though end-gaining is popular in Western culture, it gets in the way of achieving long-term success. See, when a guy approaches women and dating this way, he tends to get caught up in “doing the right thing”. Yet trying too hard to be right has a way of pressurizing a guy’s thinking... and ultimately removes all chances of actually bringing about the circumstances he wants. Instead, develop that attitude that says:

“I’m comfortable being exactly where I am, so there’s nothing you could give me that would make me feel complete.” So instead of “I need her number,” think “I want her number... but I’m going to see what her personality is like first.” Instead of “I need to impress her,” think “I’ll be real... and see if she impresses me.” Instead of “I need to sleep with her,” think “I want to sleep with her... but I’m going to enjoy myself no matter what happens.” You get the point. By giving attention to the process, the end will take care of itself. So give your attention to process and forget the end... and it will happen naturally as a side-effect. So every time you catch yourself focusing on achieving a specific end or getting an outcome with a woman, think, “No end-gaining!”

No Manipulation! Though some women may argue it verbally or deny it when asked, they really love a guy who respects himself by refusing to let anyone control him, his way of thinking, or his actions...


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And yes! Even hers. Not only that, but a man who has this kind of control will never try to control a woman. Have you ever noticed that it’s those people in life who have no control over themselves who are the ones who try to control others to compensate for it? That’s manipulation is really all about. And the truth is, most people will get what they can take from you... if they sense you’re willing to give it freely. When it comes to women, if they sense any desperation in you – they know that you’d “do anything” for them – sometimes some women will take advantage of that. And even without seeing signs of desperation, they may attempt to manipulate you. A big secret to attraction, and being successful in the Dating World, is to be aware of how women try to manipulate you, and then to communicate this message:

“All manipulation is unacceptable behavior.” Refer to Chapter 14 of “Cool Guy with Women” for more on this. I describe the three main ways women use to try to manipulate men and all the options available to you in dealing with it. In short, women use their emotions in three distinct ways to attempt to break your composure. And mistaking these emotional “shows” for reality is the biggest factor when guys allow themselves to be manipulated. They believe that these “sensitive” behaviors women display are real, when all they are is manipulative tactics. You have to start seeing them for what they really are, and not being disillusioned by them. So when a woman tries to use manipulative behavior on you, you have a choice to make: Dating Principles by Jay Julio © 2006, 2008, All Rights Reserved.

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You can remain unaffected by their emotional tactics and remain cool... or you can give in to them, and lose your cool. And losing your cool is a sure way to lose a woman. The bottom line is you have to learn how to make the distinction between whose problem is at work, so that when a woman throws any kind of emotional behavior your way, you can recognize that it’s her problem... Not yours! Then you stop yourself from being affected by it. So whenever a woman starts getting emotional and tries to use one of the three emotional tactics on you, remember, “No manipulation!”

No Arguing! If you want rapport with women and to setup the condition necessary for a healthy relationship, arguing will destroy what you’ve worked for. Ever noticed that most arguments are a result of having conflicting views with someone, then taking it personally? Most arguments are over trivial things that don’t even matter. But the result is destructive and not worth it. So avoid arguing to justify your opinions and instead, let a woman have her opinions. There’s no point trying to change her. For if you try, all you’ll communicating is that she’s not “good enough” the way she is. Think about it: There will always be people in life that have contrary views and lifestyles to your own. That’s the reality. But how you deal with these differences determines how attractive or repulsive you are to women. Dating Principles by Jay Julio © 2006, 2008, All Rights Reserved.

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And of course the great power you have is that you choose who you associate with. You choose the women you date. This is the attractive attitude to develop...

“I’m cool with anything you do – as long as it doesn’t invade my personal boundaries.” Now, this doesn’t mean you have to agree with it. But it does mean that you don’t judge them for it as being “wrong”... while you’re “right”. Essentially, it comes down to a matter of accepting everybody else for who they are... and not trying to change anyone because “They’re wrong and I’m right”. When guys can’t accept others, it’s a matter of them believing their way is right. But it’s their problem... a problem of their ego. Confidence goes a long way with women, but ego does not! So don’t confuse the two. Instead, let the differences arouse your curiosity. But at the same time, just because you accept people does not mean that if they behave toward you in any way you consider disrespectful or unacceptable that you should let it slide. Not at all! But simply, stop getting offended by the way other people live their own lives. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with it but don’t allow it to interrupt your balance by becoming irritable. Remain cool. On the flipside, if a woman ever tries to start an argument with you over your behavior, there’s no reason to get defensive.


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Again: her only choice is to accept you. And if she disagrees with your behavior (which doesn’t violate her rights), it’s her problem. So there’s no need to defend yourself... ever! Being defensive, again, is a problem of the ego... of believing “I have the right way.” When guys get defensive, they generally believe they’re right, but it’s clear that what they think is inaccurate according to the result they want. It’s just that they’re unwilling to accept that they are the cause. And because they refuse to acknowledge this, what they’ll often do is start to generate excuses to hold on to their idea – to continue to ‘be right’. And when guys get into situations like this with a woman, instantly, it repels her. Instantly, it breaks any rapport they may have had up until that point. So whenever you and a woman don’t see eye to eye, accept the difference. It’s not a matter of being right or wrong... or who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s a matter of maintaining open communication. If you notice any differences getting heated, just remember: “No arguing!”


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Principle #5:

Be Present! Romance, to a woman, is being swept into an adventure. It’s being pulled out of the routine of her life into a moment that unfolds – with anticipation meeting her at every turn. “What’s going to happen next? Every moment is more enjoyable than the next!” she thinks. Now, having the ability to welcome a woman into an experience like that is powerful. And honestly, it can be done by being here now! What being present means is that you allow yourself to “live in the moment”. It means that you free yourself from regretting what didn’t happen in the past and from worrying about what may not happen in the future. However, it doesn’t mean that you become reckless. It doesn’t mean that you ignore the consequences of certain actions and behaviors. But it does mean that you take risks, face your fears, and live today as if it were your last:


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“What I have is this moment. So let’s only think about this moment until the next one arrives.” Cultivate the attitude that says:

“This is the most important moment I have!” See, being here and now is the essence of personal freedom and more than anything, women love free-spirited men for their attitude or outlook on life always creates adventure. So let’s take a look at the ‘symptoms of worry’. When it comes to women, they take the form of: • •

“Discussions” Approval-Seeking

So the simple key to overcoming these symptoms is to be indifferent to getting to where you want to go. Instead, you’re having too much fun enjoying the journey that the destination doesn’t cross your mind until you get there. The direction is all that’s important in the moment, for the destination can’t arrive without it.

No Discussion! Sure, women seem to have this tendency to want to “talk about” or “discuss your relationship”. But the truth is: if you go along with it, you are shutting down the relationship. “Cool Guy with Women” discusses that a part of creating chemistry is to communicate in a way that says, “I’m a challenge.” Or “I challenge you to win me.” In short, what this means is that you leave “definitions” open as you date a woman. Essentially, you must keep her guessing.


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So avoid placing a “tag” on your relationships with women and you also prevent her from trying to tag it – until, and if, you decide to go steady months down the road. See, when you let yourself get into these discussions with women about your relationship, what you’re doing is killing all challenge! And maintaining a good proportion of challenge in a relationship is half the “success equation”. By discussing your emotions and feelings, you lay all your cards on the table. In fact, it takes the thrill out of dating for her. And women, even though they may push for it, don’t respond well to it if you want a healthy relationship with them. The attitude to cultivate says:

“My actions communicate my intentions and feelings!” So stop getting involved in women’s discussion about your relationships with them until they’ve proved they’re worthy and you want to go steady. But avoid bringing up the subject yourself, and avoid asking questions like these: “How do you like me so far? ”Do you have feelings for me?” “Would you ever date a guy like me?” “Am I your type?” Never give a woman your power. See, what you’re communicating when you ask such silly questions is that you’re waiting for her instead of her waiting to get into a relationship with you. Without challenge, a woman won’t see you as being valuable. So don’t talk about where things are going. Instead, act and let them go there. The experience is much better and productive to establishing your relationship than trying to “plan” it out with her.


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Just remember, whenever a woman becomes inquisitive about you, your feelings, or your relationship with her, or if you feel the need to ask a woman about what she thinks about you, think: “No discussions!”

No Approval-Seeking! Approval-seeking – the biggest urge to say no to if you want success with women and dating! And if you’ll notice, approval-seeking factors into most of the other principles above. And the message you want to convey is: “No. I do not need your approval!” Develop the attitude that communicates:

“I give myself permission to act as I please, and as long as it doesn’t violate your rights, it’s none of your affair.” Like so many of the principles covered here, women “like” guys who seek their approval. But they also despise them! Approval-seekers make great friends, but rarely lovers... not the kind of lover a woman really needs, anyway. Women’s behavior and what attracts them seem to be in continual paradox. So what does it mean to be an approval-seeker? Simply, it means that a guy looks to a woman for permission before he takes action. He waits, or asks if it would be okay with her if he did this, or did that. This kills attraction and prevents chemistry from growing. Some of the most popular approval-seeking questions guys use are:


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“Can I have your number?” “Will you go out with me?” “Can I hold your hand?” “Can I kiss you?” “Is it okay if we go to this restaurant?” Basically, any question or action that gives a woman the choice over your decisions is approval-seeking. It’s any action you may take that gives a woman all the power. But if approval-seeking is such a huge barrier to succeeding with women, why is it so popular with a lot of guys? Well, the root is fear. See, guys don’t want to be rejected by a woman, so they look to her for reassurance. They want a guarantee from her that they won’t make a fool of themselves. They want to be certain that they succeed. But you know what? It is exactly the courage to take a risk and face the possibility of rejection that women love in a man! It is the confidence that goes along without needing anyone’s approval. Now, for some reason, most guys have been led to believe that they have to appease a woman to win her. They have to impress her. But the reality is the opposite: You don’t need to impress her. You don’t need to win her. You don’t need her to approve of you or your actions. All these things will work against you. But when you learn to let go of it all, you create an atmosphere where a woman wants to impress you... wants to win you... and sometimes, wants you to approve of her.


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“Cool Guy with Women” spends a lot of time discussing approval-seeking and how to overcome it in your thinking by changing your perspective. The idea is simply really but sometimes more difficult to put into practice: Stop looking to a woman for permission or definition about the role you play in your relationship. Instead, just act – and if she’s okay with it, you continue. Stop checking if things are okay with a woman, verbally. Do it, and if you cross a line, she’ll let you know. Instead of asking to hold her hand, hold it! Instead of asking her to kiss her, kiss her! Give yourself permission! Make a move! And naturally, you want to notice the response you get. So whenever you catch yourself wondering whether a woman will be okay with something you want to do, think: “No approvalseeking!”


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Review the Dating Principles and the Underlining Attitudes 1) Be Valuable! “I am valuable in and of myself.” No Desperation! “I may want you, but I don’t need you.” “I may like you, but no more than I like myself.”

No Clinginess! “I’m living my life and you’re welcome to join me – if you treat me with respect.”

No Jealousy! “I deserve the exact woman I want... let’s see if you’re her.”

No Excuses! “There are difficulties to overcome, but I have a plan to get what I want.”

2) Be Positive! “I focus on the bright side of everything.” No Complaining! “All complaining about what is not my responsibility or what I can’t change is unacceptable behavior.”

No Negativity! “I always move toward the positive, leaving the negative behind as a side-effect.”


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3) Be Congruent! “I have an identity independent of you.” No Disclosure! “I don’t have to prove myself to anyone – least of all to you.”

No Apologies! “This is who I am and where I’m at right now – and if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to leave. In fact, I encourage you to do so!”

4) Be Cool! “I have control over the way I choose to respond to outside influences.” No End-Gaining “I’m comfortable being exactly where I am, so there’s nothing you could give me that would make me feel complete.”

No Manipulation! “All manipulation is unacceptable behavior.”

No Arguing! “I’m cool with anything you do – as long as it doesn’t invade my personal boundaries.”


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5) Be Present! “This is the most important moment I have.” No Discussion! “My actions communicate my intentions and feelings.”

No Approval-Seeking! “I give myself permission to act as I please, and as long as it doesn’t violate your rights, it’s none of your affair.”


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