Kill Puppies for Satan

the annotated

kill puppies for satan -orthe annotated your mother

the annotated kill puppies for satan and cockroach soufe are ©2001, ©2002 and ©2005 by the author, all rights reserved and whatever. the illustrations are ©2002 by kreg moser. email him at [email protected] and hire him to do art for your game, yo. this is the luluduludulydoo version. maybe the nal and ofcial version, can you imagine that shit?

kill puppies for satan yes every puppy you kill its innocent little soul goes straight to doggy heaven with all the pretty doggy angels. fortunately satan doesn’t give a fuck.

character creation take a piece of paper and write in big letters across the top: i kill puppiesfor satan. that’syour character sheet. next write: my nameis andput yourcharacter’s name. you get four stats, so write them next in a little column: cold, fucked up, mean,and relentless. the scaleis 1 to 5, with 1being normal and 5 being diabolical. leave alittle spaceand then write:evil. killingpuppies(and other animals) gives you evil, which you then get to spend on doing supernatural evil things. now leavea big space andwrite: this manypeople hate me. this iswhere youkeep track of how many people hate you. so there’s your character sheet. you get11 pointsto spend on your four stats. yes, 11. just give each one a number from 1to 5 and makesure theyadd upto 11. remember that satan likes cheaters but the gm doesn’t. here’s what’s up with the stats. cold – this is how heartless and calculating a motherfucker you are. make cold rollswheneveryou do something that requires exactness, patience, knowledge, or great care, like disarming a securitysystemor readinga book. cold

_________________________________ so satan calls me on the telephone this morning. it’s wicked early. “uh?” i say. “hold for satan.” i do. “hey vincent,” satan says. “hey! it’s good to hear from you.” the thing about satan is that it’s true. you go too long without hearing his voice and you start to miss him. i don’t think anybody adequately prepares you for that. “i was reading your blog “what and you’ve done pretty wellof for yourself, huh?” he says. with selling so much this game you’ve made where you play good people trying to serve god and do good. i was pleased to read about that. send me a copy if you think of it, i’d like to read this good game you’ve made about serving god and doing goodness.” uh oh. “but look,” he says. “i have a ‘favor’ to ask.” “no no no,” i say. “no, no way. i’m done with that. done. please.”

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corresponds to intelligence in a normalgame. a regular person has a cold of 1, and hannibal lecter has a cold of

fucked up – this is how devious, deviant and weird a motherfucker you are. make fuckedup rollswheneveryou do something that requires paranoia, edginess, quick wits, or sneakiness, like hiding under a bridge or noticing that somebody’s disturbed your freezerunit. fuckedup corresponds to perception and stealthin a normalgame. a regular person has a fucked up of 1, and that guy from se7 has a fucked up of 5.

mean – this is how violent and ruthless a motherfucker you are. make mean rolls whenever you do something that requires strength, viciousness, rage, or brutality, like pulling a triggeror snappinghandcuffs.mean corresponds to strength and skillin a normal game.a regularperson has a meanof 1, and mickey and mallory from natural born killers have a mean of 5. and finally relentless – this is how gutsy and powerful a

motherfucker you are. make relentless rollswheneveryou do something that requires endurance, discipline, tenacity or the will to carry on, like swimming underwater or chewi throughleatherstraps. relentless corresponds to staminain a normalgame. a regularperson has a relentless of 1, and jason has a relentless of 5. now if you absolutely must cheat, fine, take the points, satan’s proud of you. but thegm’s gonna fuckin’ make you pay.

_________________________________ “i know you are,” he says. “i publically disavowed it! at the forge, i did! pretty much publically disavowed it!” “i know,” he says. “anyway what am i going to do? it’s a whole complete little thing. i can’t improve it, even if i wanted to, even if i tried. plus its time’s past, it’s not even relevant anymore. it’s a done joke.” “i know,” he says. “fuck. a revision?” i say. “are you serious?” but him satan’s if he’s not willing to make a deal. i talk down nothing to annotations. “hey, so thanks,” he says. “and do send me a copy of that other game.” “sure. god dammit, call me sometime when you don’t need a ‘favor.’ let’s just shoot the shit sometime.” he laughs. “sure,” he says. he’s my favorite motherfucking asshole in the world.

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you alsoget tostart outwith someevil points.roll ad6 and consult table 1. i cheated on points

you get –1 starting evil, you cheating bastard. guessyou steppedon a roach.

i rolled a 1

you get 0 starting evil. tough shit. shoulda rolled better.

i rolled a 2 oryou get 1 startingevil. choosea +1 a 3

animal and did. a +0 way to kill it. that’s what you

i rolled a 4 oryou get 2 startingevil. choosea +1 a 5 animaland a +1 way to kill it. that’s what you did. i rolled a 6

you get 3 starting evil. choose a +2 animaland a +1 way to kill it. that’s what you did.

table 1: starting evil

and you also have to start out with some people who hate you. roll a d6 and consult table 2. i cheated on points and starting evil

fuck off, you know you’re gonna cheat on this roll too. you mightas well just go ahead and write down that 0 people hate you. it’s a lie though. the gm hates you.

i rolled a 1

ooh, harsh. 3 people hate you. you must be one mean cold fucked up relentless motherfucker.

i rolled a 2 or2 peoplehate you. one of them’syour a 3 mother. i rolled a 4, aonly 1 personhatesyou. betterget a 5, or a 6 move on, satan don’t want no lily-livered girly-ass puppykillers in his hell. table 2: starting hate

game mechanics now let’ssee, ohyeah mechanics. here theyare: rolla d6 andadd yourstat. if theyadd upto at least a7 you succeed. if you’redoingsomething easy,gm’s call,they only haveto addup to at leasta 6 to succeed.if youand somebody else are both trying to do something, and only one of you can do it, whoever rolls higher wins. the combat system is, if you’re fighting with somebody, if you roll higher you hit them, and if they roll higher they hit you. if youtie theni guessyou blockeach other or some shit.

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if somebody hits you,a. make arelentless roll or fall over,and b. subtract1 from your relentless.it doesn’t matter what they hit you with, their fist, their purse, a .45,who givesa fuck. you canstand upagain when the gm says so, and the gm can feel totally free to give you whateverpenalties and griefseem warranted.you get the relentless point back when you’ve totally recovered and healed from the hit, and the gm decides when that is too.

shoulda thought of that before you cheated, shouldn’t you? the gm can also have you make relentless rolls and/or lose relentless points for shock, blood loss, trauma, exposure to radiation, looking directly at the sun during an eclips whatever.if your relentless ever goes belowzero,well thereit is. betterhope that a. you have a kick-assdoctor or b. hell isn’tas bad as they say.

when you try to do something that requires you to interact in a positive way with normal people, like getting a libra card or walking into an airport, the more people hate you harder itis. this isthe mostcomplicated mechanic in the game, sopay attention. roll ad6 anddon’t addanything. you’re trying to roll over the number of people who hate y if yousucceed, you’re fine, carry on. if youfail, the gm can do shit to you, including but not limited to: givin you penalties to relevant rolls; making the customer servi people rude, hostile and suspicious; and subjecting you to petty annoyances like background checks, lame delays, and body cavity searches.

_________________________________ i’m sure you noticed, those aren’t really resolution rules. they’re just like some shit for people to do while the gm resolves everything by fiat. they suck. try these instead. (they are, by the way, some stolenass resolution rules. i stole the bastards straight from sorcerer. i’ve stupidized ‘em down to practically nothing, sorcerer’s rules are waaaay more sophisticated - i did it for you, dear reader - but whatever. i’m a rule-fuckin’stealer.) there are no more unopposed rolls, because jesus christ if there’s no opposition, just give it to the sad fucker. instead, use these rules whenever anybody wants something for their character and somebody else doesn’t. first go around the table. every person says what their goal is for their character, then generally what their character’s going to do to try to accomplish it, including especially which stat they’re gonna roll. if your goal requires your character to spend evil to accomplish it, you better have the evil available. if someone says a goal that’s incompatible with your goal, make eye contact with them. you can make menacing eye

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on the other hand, sometimes you might want to seem loathsome, creepy,disgusting, sleazyor untrustworthy. on those occasions, you can go ahead and roll a d6, and try to roll equal to or less than the number of people who hate you. if you succeed, you get a bonus to your picking scabs roll or whatever.fuckingweirdo. oh onemore thing, just soyou know. some npcshave different stats than youdo. so likeif you’rein a fistfight with good-hearted and upright cops, for instance, you’ll be rolling mean and the cops will be rolling brave. if you hit them, they’ll make a dedicated roll to avoid fallingover. no biggie, i just didn’twant to catchyou off guardwith it. (they probably keep track of howmany peopleadmirethem too or some shit. fuckingsaps.)

what to kill now of course satan doesn’t want you to kill only puppies. satan wants you tokill allkinds ofanimals, but a. the cuterand b. the more belovedthe better. dogs - puppies, +1 evil. - loyal beloved old dogs, +1 evil. - seeing eye dogs, +2 evil. - mean cranky old dogs, +0 evil. - guard dogs, +0 evil. - police dogs, +1 evil.

_________________________________ contact if you want, or supplicatory eye contact, whatever, but do look them in the face. in just a second you’re going to really, really care what they roll. if your goal’s incompatible with someone’s, theirs is incompatible with yours, of course. there aren’t one-way incompatibilities, so don’t pretend there are. everyone’s allowed to change their goal and action if they want to. sometimes you’ll have to go around the circle a couple times before everyone’s satisfied. that’s fine. ron calls this the free and clear so i will too: this is the free and clear. the gm counts as a person at the table. the gm says the npcs’ goals and actions. the gm is also allowed to say a danger, like “the danger is that the cops will show up” or “the danger is that you’ll accidentally smash the oracular mirror” or “the danger is that you’ll light the curtains on fire” or whatever, in addition to whatever the npcs are up to. the gm gets to decide the danger but anybody else can suggest good ones. as gm you can have there be a danger whenever you want, but the real reason for it is for times where there needs to be a conflict but there’s nobody available to be the other side.

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cats - kittens, +1 evil. - mean evil old cats who when they die you know they’re go to kitty hell anyway, +0 evil. other pets - bunnies, +1 evil. - parakeets, +1 evil. - mean vulgar neurotic parrots, +1 evil.

- nice parrots, +2 evil (good luck finding one). - goldfish, +0 evil. - nice fish, +1 evil. - rare beautiful tropical fish in somebody’s home aquarium +2 evil. - rare beautiful tropical fish in like the dentist’s offic +1 evil. - ferrets, +0 evil. - tarantulas or scorpions, +1 evil. - hamsters, gerbils and other rodents, +1 evil. - boas, pythons, garter snakes etc, don’t fuck with them, they’re satan’s kind of people.

wild animals - squirrels, woodchucks, chipmunks, field mice, whatever, evil. - random bugs like ants and earthworms and spiders, +0 evi - butterflies, +1 evil. - songbirds or other everyday birds, +0 evil. - owls, +1 evil. - feral or wild cats, +1 evil.

_________________________________ second everybody rolls a d6. the gm rolls a d6 for the danger (if any) and only one d6 for the npcs in the conflict, one die no matter how many npcs. look at your d6 and add your stat to it, the stat that you named when you said your character’s action. you want ‘em to add up to 7 or better. if you want to spend evil to reroll your die, here’s when. call out that you’re doing it. if you’re the gm, you do the same for each npc, add their stats to their roll, but since you only rolled one die for all of ‘em it’s like they all rolled the same number. for the danger, add 4. all dangers have only one stat, dangerousness, and they all have it at 4. anyhow you don’t have to call your totals out, since you don’t get a turn, but you should call out who’s got a 7+ and who’s got less than 7, including the danger. third other than the gm, who has the highest total? in case of a tie, who rolled the highest die? in case of still a tie, who’s sitting closer to the gm’s left hand side?

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mountain lions, +2 evil. coyotes, +1 evil. dolphins, +2 evil. whales, +2 evil. baby seals, +2 evil. bears, +1 evil. sharks, +1 evil.

food animals - if you eat it, +0 evil. - if you don’t eat it, +1 evil. vermin satan hates it when you kill vermin, because when they die they go to hell, and then he has to pay exterminator bills. - cockroaches, -1 evil. - rats, -1 evil. - mosquitoes, -1 evil. - fucking little yappy dogs, -1 evil. - ticks, -1 evil. - flies, -1 evil. -1 evil. - lice, hornets, -1 evil.

_________________________________ that person goes first, then the next, then the next, and so on down to the person with the lowest total, the lowest die, sitting at the gm’s right. we call that person “the screwed pooch.” the gm doesn’t get any turns; npcs only get to react, and dangers only get to come true or not. okay, ready? everyone whose total is 7+ is a winner. everyone whose total is less than 7 is a loser. this includes the danger. on your turn, remember those people whose goals are incompatible with yours? look at them again. if there are more than one, look at them in order of lowest total to highest. some of ‘em might be pcs, some might be npcs, one of ‘em might be the danger; it’s all good. - if you’re a winner and they’re a loser, you don’t lose your goal but they lose theirs. you say what your character does; they say what their character does; the gm says what results, and between the three of you make their goal not come true. also they lose their turn. they’re done. if they already had their turn, their goal has already not come true, so you don’t need to do or say anything. if you feel like it, you can take the opportunity to piss on them or set yourself up against who’s next in your turn, whatever.

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how to kill it

+0 ways to kill it - put it in a sack with a couple of rocks and toss it in t reservoir. - shoot it with a gun of roughly the appropriate caliber. - brain it with a rock. - hit it with your car. it on a stump with a cleaver. - behead flush it.

+1 ways to kill it - with your bare hands. (exceptbugs.) - hold its head underwater/hold it out of the water by the tail until it suffocates. - bash it by the hind legs into a brick wall. - shoot it with a gun of a radically too-high caliber or w an automatic. - lock it in a cedar chest with no food and check on it ev day.

+2 ways to kill it - eat it live. (except goldfish.) - with a red-hot poker. - mutilate it first. - ceremonially, with special accursed tools and chanting t names of satan. - with bottle rockets.

_________________________________ - if you’re a winner and they’re a winner, you have to choose: give up your goal to screw them out of theirs, or don’t. say which you choose. if you choose to give up your goal so that they lose theirs: you say what your character does, they say what theirs does, the gm says what results, and between the three of you make both goals not come true. now you’re both losers too, no matter what you rolled. your turn is done and they lose theirs. if you choose not to give up your goal and not to screw theirs: you say what your character does to get out of the way or theirs; they say how their character lets it go, and that’s it. continue with your turn, they’ll get a turn too, but on their turn, they skip you. it’s done between you. - if you’re a loser and they’re a loser, you have to choose: you both screw up each other’s goals or else you don’t. say which. if you choose to give up your goal so that they lose theirs: you say what your character does, they say what theirs does, the gm says what results, and between the three of you make both goals not come true. your turn is done and they lose theirs. if you con’t choose to give up your goal to screw theirs: don’t say anything. continue with your turn, they get their

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well, that should be enough to fuel your imagination, you sick puppy you. come upwith yourown waysto killit and the gm will no doubt reward your innovations with extra evil. unless you fucking cheated.

why to kill it things that cost 1 evil - re-rolla die. keep re-rolling until itcomes upat least a 4. - ignore a hit even though you failed your relentless roll. - automatically pass the people who hate you roll when you try toget a library card or something.you don’tcreep them out. - pressyour earup against a door. you canhear everything that’s going on on the other side, no matter how quiet. - put a sockover thetelephone mouthpiece. until theend of the phone call, your voice sounds exactly like another person’s, whoever you want. jumpout a window. you’ll befine whenyou land,no matter how of far you fall. - hidein a good shadow or undersomething.nobody can find you until you move, unless they happen to touch you. - force somebody you just hit to re-roll their relentless (or whatever) roll. - turn any one piece of music, performed or recorded, into a muzak cover of heyjude. guaranteed to piss offthe band.

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turn too. on their turn, they don’t skip you, they get to choose whether to give up their goal to screw yours, same as you did. this is how “both losers” is different from “both winners.” both winners: whoever goes first gets to decide. both losers: both get their chance to screw both. if your opposite loser is an npc, the gm should say right now during your turn whether they give up their goal to screw yours. if so, say what happens as usual and your turn ends. the gm doesn’t lose the npc’s turn of course, on account of npcs don’t have turns. - you can’t be a loser and they’re a winner. if you are, you’ve fucked up either who goes before whom, who loses their turns, or else whose goals are incompatible with whose.

fourth so now you can see where this goes. if you reach the end of your turn and you’re still a winner, you win your goal. say what your character does, the gm says what happens, you win, you’re happy. if you’re a loser, either you’ve lost your goal already and you’re sad, or else you’re waiting for some other loser to choose whether to screw you or let you win. then the next person goes, then the next, then the next. at the end of the last person’s turn, tidy up any loose ends. like, any npcs who survived without losing their

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- lie still. until youmove, anybody who examines you will think you’re dead. - say something or make somenoise. people will think it came from somewhere else, wherever you want. - short out any one electrical device. - cast a first degree spell out of a satanic spellbook. things that cost 2 evil - re-rolla die. keep re-rolling until itcomes upa 5 or a

6. - taketelepathic control of a nearby vermin. you cansee through its little beady eyes and control what it does. - add 1 to any stat for the next half hour game time. - get back all the relentless pointsyou’velost. you’re healed instantly. - this only works if you’re wearing a big coat and somebod hits you. instead of makinga relentless roll,your coat falls open and you’re one big swarming mass of your favori kind of vermin. you losecontrolof yourselfbut regroup later at a convenient place nearby. - spitor blowyour noseon something.your snotis fire, about as hot and as long lasting as a corresponding amount of thatcanned fuel sterno stuff.plenty enough to starta campfire anyway. - jump up onto the roof of a house or to like a third stor window. - jump horizontally over like a four lane divided road. - sprint up to 50 miles per hour.

_________________________________ goals, now’s when the gm says how they win them. also if the danger wound up a winner, now’s when it comes true. go back to the first step - the free and clear - and keep going until everything’s decided. i’m’a call this “a struggle.” a struggle is one or more rolls, in sequence, all about the same general things. god dammit, you know what i mean.

beyond falling down if you win your goal, you get +1 to your next roll, provided it’s a continuation of this same struggle. plus you get to choose one of these following bennies: - your opponent falls down and loses 1 relentless. if you have more than one opponent, they all do. - you get +1 to a roll of your choice in some future struggle against this same opponent. if you have more than one opponent, choose one. write this on your character sheet. you really can’t use it until this current struggle is over. - you get an additional +1 to your next roll in this struggle, provided your goal is to keep what you just won. these go for pcs and npcs. if the danger comes true, it doesn’t get a +1 or a bennie, but it should surely lead straight into more rolling.

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- callsatan onthe phone.you’ll probably get hismachine, but he’s pretty good about returning calls. - hold your breath underwater for up to twenty minutes. - whistle a tune and while you’re whistling, you’re invisible.you canwalk around and dostuff andnobody can see you untilyou stop whistling.eerie. - drive a car from the back seat. - cast a second degree spell out of a satanic spellbook. things that cost 3 evil - walk through a wall. - hideinside some solid inanimate object. it hasto be big enough, like a futon or a piano, but while you’re in there you’reprettymuch unfindable.you can stillsee andhear what’s going on, but you can’t move yourself around. - tell somebody to do something (the simpler and more concretethe better). they have to do it. if it’s dangerous, complicated, or long-term the gm can let them make rolls to resist. - make a dozen or so specimens of your favorite vermin appear in your cupped hands. - make a specimen or three of your favorite vermin appear anywhereyou want. considerpeople’smouthsor earsor in their pockets with their car keys. - take on the exact likeness of an animal you’ve recently killed,for as long as you want. whileyou’retransformed, you canat willa. make youreyes glowa hellishred-orange, b. speakin a torturedinhumanvoice,c. leavescorching hot pawprints (/hoofprints/flipperprints/what the fuck ever) meltedinto the carpet,and d. have your reflection and

_________________________________ hate you’ve probably figured this out already. the how many people hate you roll is now just a normal roll where the danger is that you’ll get the body cavity search or the cops called on you or whatever, and the dangerousness is equal to how many people hate you instead of being automatically equal to 4. super obvious. one-on-ones oh and look, these probably read like mass orgy conflict rules, but really they’re based on a super easy one-on-one thing. you both say your goal, action and stat, you both roll a die, you both add. then: if one of you’s a winner and one’s a loser, the winner wins and the loser loses. if both are winners, whoever rolled the higher total chooses: both win vs. both lose. if both are losers, both have a chance to screw the other, and both win only if neither chooses to screw. piece of cake. if the full rules seem too hardcore, you can probably reframe all your conflicts into one-on-ones - but if you need to do that you’re a fucking unimaginative vanilla prude and come the fuck on.

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shadow do different things than your actual self is doing. perfect for loyal beloved old dogs. - light a fire just by staring hard. - grow fangs, claws, proboscises, a tail, compound eyes, scales, fur, or whatever other animal feature you want. - fly, about as fast and as far as you can run. - trip the circuit breakers of an apartment building or al the houses on a whole block.

- cast a third degree spell out of a satanic spellbook. things that cost 4 evil - make a car or a living room or a dumpster explode in flames, the kind of explosion you only get from action fli and trash bags full of gasoline. - summon a huge swarm of your favorite vermin, hundreds or maybe thousands of specimens.they actmore orless asyou direct, but gradually revert to their natural behavior. - desecrate a churchor holyplace. you don’tneed tofuck up the like decor or anything (though of course feel free) just now it’s not holy ground.presumably there’ssome kind of anti-evil thing that religious fanatics can do to put i right, but meanwhile it’s kind of a kick. - telekinetically control vast quantities of shit, sewage, compost, muck, and litter.you candirect its flow, lift it into theair, eventhrow it. back upthe pipesand floodout a whole city block, the fun never stops. - transform yourselfinto oily,foul-smelling smoke. float near the ceiling or seep under the door, and turn back int yourself when you feel like it. - create a spell or ritual and write it into a satanic spellbook.you design the effectand stuffand the gm decides what degree it is.

- cast a lesser ritual from a satanic spellbook. things that cost 5 evil - make one clean, attractive and healthy normal person consider for one second having sex with you. - add twenty years to yourown lifeexpectancy.(yeah, like you’re gonna die of old age, i’m fucking sure.) - add 1 permanently to one of your stats. - dedicate yourself to a particular animal (don’t choose a vermin). whenever you kill one,using atleast a+1 wayto kill it,you getan extrapoint ofevil. pays foritself. - cast a greater ritual out of a satanic spellbook. and that’s that.

satan so satan’sactually a prettynice guy. set asidefor a minute the fact that he’s cold, fucked up, mean and relentless all at 10, he has starting evil in the triple digits, and three point six billion people worldwide hate him. underneath he’s just this regularish guy who watches

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pro wrestling and cspan.(and sure, rules hell and soon.) but i mean he’s not like the other guy, he’s approachable. he’s not full of himself, he doesn’t bogart the joint just because he’s the fucking fallen morningstar, the first person ever withthe ballsto spitin god’scoffee. (which you gotta fucking admit.) but even so, if you want to hang with him, you gotta follow a couplerules. they aren’tcommandments exactly,because he’s willing to overlook a few infractions, you know, out of neighborliness. not like that otherprick. just keep ‘em in mind is all he asks. satan’s guidelines - don’tkill people if youcan helpit. if they’re bad people, satan would rather have them out doing evil in the world. if they’re good people, they goto heavenand nobody wants that. - if you must fuck with people, better to make them say “why god why?”than “god help me.” real tortureleads people to find their inner strength and shit, petty meanness makes people lose faith ineach other.better tohit theirdog with your car and drive away laughing. - don’ttry tomake theworld abetter place.i knowthis is a no-brainer but you’d be surprised the kind of goody two shoes want to be satan’s buds.don’t give money toamnesty international or the nra or even the fucking kiwanis club. keep your cash for yourself, spend it on cigs and porn, put it in stocks bonds and iras,who givesa shit. anyway the world is pretty much just how satan likes it, and if he wants it different he’ll tell you. - don’ttry totempt people to sin. it’s aunion thing, and believe meleave youdon’t want totoscab onprofessionals. demons.just kill puppies and the rest the - oh, and don’tget caught, asshole. you definitely won’t do satan any favors from a padded cell in willard. so great,you’rereadyto play,right? terrific. now unless you’re the gm, fuck off.

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gm shit so it’s like mad magazine, remember, the lighter side of, only let’s call it:

the evil fucked up side of... ...npcs two kindsof npcs,

right?kind numberone: regularpeople. fig 1 is a character sheet for a regular person. i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my dog who gives a rat’s ass what my name is cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad grounddown face in the crowd: 4 g 1: a normal person

your pcs pretty much don’t need to sweat this kind of npc. apply satan’s guidelines to them as you see fit and fuck ‘ kind number two: people your pcs have to be scared of. without this kind, the game would be dull as all fuck. fortunately thereare a wide variety. mix and match!

heroes

you know how when you and your crew kick into a bank and w your shotguns around and the people are all like weeping a shielding their kids with their bodies and shit and you sa all right, people, nobody be a hero, somebody always fucki does? that’sthis guy.

- heroeshave different stats than your pcs do. instead of cold, they’re thoughtful; instead of fucked up, they’re

_________________________________ so like, i fucking hate being the gm. it’s too hard. my goal for all the new dice stuff is to make gming easy, so i can do it without hating it - that’s all. if you’ve read other things i’ve written you might think i have some sort of rpg theoretical agenda, but nope, i just gotta make this game easy to gm. it’s a longstanding kill puppies for satan tradition that i release unplaytested bullshit upon you, and the new rules fully inherit and partake of that tradition. thus it’s very possible that they aren’t easier even one little bit at all. in which case, fuck it!

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astute; instead of mean, they’re brave; and instead of relentless, they’rededicated.use them for basically the same things, although obviously enough you can’t make brave rolls to pull the wings off a butterfly. - they don’t have anything corresponding to evil, i mean they don’t like do good deeds and then cash them in to set things on fire or whatever.however,they do get special benefits when other people are in danger.count thenumber ofnormal people the hero is ever. trying protect/rescue/help across the street/what the fuck as to long as there’s at leastone, whenever the hero rolls a die and it comes up a 1, she gets to re-roll. (or he does,you know.) so that’scool for them but it sucks ass for your pcs, which naturally is what you want. - if you feel like it, you can have your heroes keep track of how many people admire them, like i said before, but i wouldn’t fucking bother. - you may feel some pressure to make heroes’ stats add up to 11, same as pcs’. that’sthe stupidity talking. fuck that. - fig 2 is a character sheet for a random hero. i’m not a hero, i’m just willing to do what needs to be done my name is liz macreedy thoughtful 2 astute 2 brave 4 dedicated 4 when i’m helping people out i get to re-roll 1s this many people admire me: 6 g 2: a hero

religious fanatics you know how when you manage

to plant the satanic artifact in the antique shop and the district attorney’s daughter thinks it’s charming and buys it and wears it home pinned to her coat and later is possessed, naturally, and the demons are having all kinds of fun hanging out in her nubile young body, but then eventually somehow a fucking congregationalist finds out and comes and rings the bell and recites the prayer and does the thing with the host and all the demons have to leave her alone and possess the fucking pigeons on the windowsill instead? that’sthis guy. - religious fanaticshave different statstoo. instead of cold, they’re pious; instead of fucked up, they’re wise; instead of mean, they’re righteous; and instead of relentless, they’redevoted. same deal though. - insteadof evil,they get miracles.fuckers. miracles work the oppositeway than evil,though. god gives credit. first youget themiracle, then you payfor itwith prayers and devotions and doing good and calling sinners to repentance and otherlame shit. (god decides when your account’s paid off of course, and he’s a notorious hard-

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on. plus he’lldo all this underhanded entrapment shit like giving you a miracle you didn’t ask for and putting i on your accountanyway. it’s just fuckingglorified mail fraud.) - religious fanatics keep track of how many people rely on them for spiritual succor. that numberis theircredit limit. if 3 people rely on youfor spiritual succor then god will give you up to 3 points’ worth of miracles before

you have to payhim back. there’s ashort list of miracles coming up. - again, don’t limit religious fanatics to 11 points for stats. - fig 3 is a character sheet for a random religious fanati jesus wants me for a sunbeam my name is elder ezekiel quackenbush pious 3 wise 1 righteous 4 devoted 3 i owe god for this many points of miracles: 0 thissuccor: many people depend upon me for spiritual 3 g 3: a religious fanatic

here are some miracles. - the miracle of walking across like a piddly little strea 1 point. - the miracle of walking across a pond or lake or river or whatever, 2 points. - the miracle of turning water into wine, 1 point. - the miracle of turning oregano into pot, 2 points. - the miracle of turning saline into smack, 3 points. - the miracle of the bottomless happy meal, 2 point. - the miracle of the all you can eat seafood bar, 3 points - the miracle of parting the traffic on the pike, 1 point. - the miracle of making something holy so demons etc don’t like it, 1 point. - the miracle of making a sinner roll a d4 instead of a d6 point for two. - the miracle of defeating a satanic spell, however many points of evil the spell costs to cast. - the miracle of thwarting somebody who’s spent evil to do something, however many points of evil they spent. - the miracle of protecting a particular individual from a

particular demon, however many points of evil the demon co to summon. - the miracle of sending a particular demon back to hell where it belongs, however many points of evil the demon co to summon + 1. - the miracle of making a sinner feel really guilty and lo and have to go lie down for a while or get shitfaced, poin equal to the sinner’s relentless.

i’m such an asshole. not all religious fanaticsare christians, though you wouldn’t know it from reading my li

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of miracles.thereare plentyof fanatical jews,muslims, buddhists, confucianists, hindus, neopagans, scientologists, shintoists, taoists,tribalanimists, et fuckingc. knock yourself out.

vigilantes you know how when you sit down at last after a long day in the meat locker and you put your feet up and set your drink on the coffee table and turn on cspan and some asshole with a beer gut and a 12-gauge comes in through your plate-glass window and bellows something about you’re a slippery sumbitch he’s been tracking you for eight months and this is for what you did to little flossie you sick fuck and starts blasting away? that’sthis guy. - instead of cold, vigilantes are thorough; instead of fucked up, they’re survivors; instead of mean, they’re vengeful; and instead of relentless, they’re driven. - they don’t have evil or anything, and they don’t keep track of howmany people they’ve kicked the assesof. they do, however, have fucking arsenals full of big-ass guns. - fig 4 is a character sheet for a random vigilante. revenge is a dish best served right the fuck now my name is jimmy-john giles thorough 1 survivor 4 vengeful 4 driven 3 i have a fucking arsenal full of big-ass guns and a l.a.r.g.o. bumper sticker g 4: a vigilante

space aliens you know how when you’re sneaking across the field on a pitch black night and you slip under the live fence and belly-hump your way through the cowshit and your heart is thud-thudding with anticipation at the thought of farmer wylie’s new heifer and there’s a weird light over there and you lift your head and they’ve got these horrible tools and they’re slowly and methodically pulling sweet bessie inside out and laying her ribs in starburst patterns?that’sthis guy. - instead of cold, space aliens are calculating; instead of fucked up, they’re mysterious; instead of mean, they’re inquisitive; and instead of relentless, they’re inscrutable. - instead of evil, they have cosmic rays, which power theirsinistertechnology.any givenalienwill have a cosmoprotonic battery holding 3 cosmic rays, which they can use and then rechargeback at theirflyingsaucer. each alien tool uses up 1 cosmic ray per application.

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- i mention space aliens at all because they’re pretty much your pcs’ only competition in the cattle mutilation department.if youwant tobring inthe menin blackand even give fucking whiny-butt fox mulder a guest spot, that your can of worms. - fig 5 is a character sheet for a random space alien. i like to administer anal probes my name is x-j447 calculating 3 mysterious 4 inquisitive 4 inscrutable 3 cosmic rays 3 i have a thought-form assimilator and an omnikey g 5: a space alien

here are some alien tools.

- a thought-form assimilator makes you think the space ali

is something else, like an owl or a teddy bear. - a stasis applicator radically slows your metabolism and body functions.you’re still awakeand alive,but an hour could pass while you blink your eyes. - an omnikey unlocks any mechanical or electronic lock. - an e-field disruptor disables any electrical device that comeswithinrange. it doesn’taffectdevicespoweredby cosmic rays (think about it). - a thought-state disruptor makes you forget what happened you. - a levitron makes you weightless. - a semantic impulsor projects words into your brain.

sorcerers

you know how when you break at night into the holy trinity college library and jimmy the service elevator so it’ll ta you up to the forbidden archives on the thirteenth floor a you make your way by flashlight to shelf 444 (two thirds o the beast) and you look under diablos, christophe, 1701-17 and instead of a book there’s a fucking empty slot, and yo look around and somebody’s reading over in one of the nook illuminated by a flickering orb of blue witchlight?that’s

this guy. - instead of cold, sorcerers are learned; instead of fucke up, they’re insightful; instead of mean, they’re fierce, a instead of relentless, they’re resolute. - insteadof evil,sorcerers have potency. they accumulate potency by observing celestial and otherworldly events, an by rituallycalling up the primalforcesof creation.they use their potency to cast spells. - usually they cast spells from their own sorcerous spellbooks, but they can also cast spells from satanic

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spellbooks with no especialdifficulty.the reverseis not true, your pcs will be totally baffled by a sorcerous spellbook. - they also do a whole stack of other wizardly kinds of things, like take familiars (you’ll have to make up stats for them yourself, but it shouldn’t be that fucking difficult) and brewmagic potions and fuck,i dunnowhat else.wizardly shit. - fig 6 is a character sheet for a random sorcerer. i am a master of forces occult and obscure my name is julietta summers learned 5 insightful 3 erce 1 resolute 4 potency 6 my familiar is a small to middling spiritjackal named chakr the red-tooth.

g 6: a sorcerer

here are some sorcerous spells. - summoning the storm winds, 1 potency – a fierce and concentrated wind whipsand shrieksaroundyou. everybody else has to make a relentless (or whatever) roll or fall down (but nobody loses any points, it’s not like when you fall down from a hit). - fist of the storm, 2 potency – lighting falls from the sky andstrikes whomever you want. the strike counts astwo consecutive hits for purposes of rolling to stay standing and losing points of relentless (or whatever). - coat of shadows, 2 potency – you are invisible until natural light (sun-, moon-, star-, or fire-) falls on you. - word of loosening, 2 potency – whoever hearsties, you speak the word, everything on and about theirperson is loosed. zippers, laces, braids, all come undone, and they also piss and shit themselves, slobber, weep, and leak snot out their noses. buttonsand snapsaren’taffected. - sword of the sun, 1 potency – cast on any weapon and until dawn the weapon will hurt demons, spirits, vampires, ghosts, and whatever other weird freaky shit it happens to connect with. you cancast iton a bullet ifyou want,but casting it on the gun itself is pretty much a waste. - world of crystal, 1 potency – every nonliving thing around you becomes to you (not to everybody) as transparent as glass. this lastsuntilyou’veblinkedthreetimes.

_________________________________ summoning the storm winds is a good example. see where it says “everybody has to make a relentless roll”? but now relentless rolls as such are done away with, right? so what to do? you figured this out already of course, but here’s what: the danger is that everybody’ll fall down.

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- fire of the sun, 2 potency – cast on a magical item, a holy object, a satanic spellbook, an accursed thingy, or a such kinda thing. whatever magic exists init burnsout in a flashof occultflame. (if it’sa spellbook, it leavesthe ravings alone but consumes every word of the spells.) so no spells above the second degree. more workfor youi guess. life’sa bitch.

demons

you know how when you make and execute a genius plan to ge close to the undersecretary to the vice president in charg of requisitions’ prizewinning afghan hound and you’re ther with the dog and the baling wire and the drano and you’re just waiting for the moon to come through the clouds and instead it never fails a fucking fiend from the pits of he comes and tells you to piss off but leave the dog ‘cause i hungry? that’sthis guy.

- demons have the same stats your pcs do, namely cold, fucked up, mean, and relentless, in case your brain fell o however, demon’s stats go from 2 to 10 instead of 1 to 5. yes, that means that some demons have to roll a –4 on a d6 fail a roll. you got a problemwith that? - demonshave evil, too. they useit forthe samekinds of things that pcs do, although they have many more options. they have to work for it too, and they’re pissed because t have to actually accomplish things, not just kill a bunch stupidpuppies. sometimes they’llfuck with your pcs just for that. - don’tbotherkeepingtrack,though. you can basically assume that any given demon will have a dozen points of ev squirreled away for just this very occasion, and i’m not e gonna fucking list allthe things they canuse itfor. if it sounds good, hell, gofor it. what areyour players gonna do aboutit, whine? that’dbe new. - demons keep count of how many people they’ve tempted to and thus condemned to eternal torment, and you can too if want. - you can’t just punch or shoot a demon until it goes away they justlaugh that shit off. you gottause magicor evil or holy wateror something.good luck. - hell isn’torganized like heavenis. demonsdon’tfollow

like some ineffable plan, except when satan can bribe them to. if forsome random reason apowerful old big-ass demon decides that she’s going to grind your pcs up and feed the to her hellhounds, satan’snot likelyto interfere.unless they can talk him into it or buy his interest somehow or something. - oh, and let’s say that a piddly-ass demon is one with st that add up to 12 or less, a small to middling demon is on with stats that add up to 16 or less, and a big ol’ demon one withstats that add upto 17 or more. see thesatanic

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spellbooks section below for stuff about summoning and binding demons. - fig 7 is a character sheet for a random demon. i’ll have the let of soul, rare if you please my name is qazach, the duchess of head lice cold 3 fucked up 5 mean 3 relentless 3 evil plenty i’ve tempted this many people to sin and thus condemned them to eternal torment: 8,677 g 7: a demon

now there’s one demon in particular that maybe i’ll talk about, and that’s the man himself, el diablo, his infernal majesty,satan,the fallenarchangel of light. put your hands together, he’s one hell of a guy. particularly i want to give you some advice for playing the fucker as an npc, which is kind of intimidating, and face it you’re gonna have to, what with the pcs calling him on the telephone all the damn time. so here goes. - choosesomebodyfrom your life. make it somebody friendly, interesting, kind of complicated but easy to like, someone who makes you smile when you think of them and who you maybe wish you’d known better.for meit’s msdrummond, my tenth grade english teacher (who i’m certain would be appalled). that’s your satan. you’ll beable togo fora whileon just that person’s charm alone. - pay attention to eye contact. satanlookseverybody in the eye, but he’s not intimidating and he’s not in your face. he’s just easygoing and self assured. - when it comes up, remember that simply nothing can piss satanoff, and nothingcan frightenhim. the very absolute fuckingest bad thing that can happen to him at this point is that he’ll have to wait a few years until everybody involved dies, and then most of them he’ll get to personally torture untilhe gets boredof listening to them whimper. seriously, no pc (or anybody) can ever do anything worse to him than that,and it’s just not that bad. he can live with it. he’s got no worries. - at the same time, there’s no reason for him to ever put up with anything once it becomes more irritating than it is interesting.if youbug him,he canarrange for his various loyal toadies to kill, cripple, maim, and destroy the lives of you, your family, your friends, your pet, everybody who’s ever shaken your hand, and everybody near you in the phone book (just for goodmeasure).it doesn’t often come to that. - and here’s the trick totop itoff. satan gotthe ever loving blue eyed shit kicked out of him, and there’s no possible way for himto evereven begin to geteven. he’s fuckingshit outtaluck. the only way he could possibly

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deal with it is to get a senseof humor. so that’sit. when you’replayingsatan,don’ttake anythingseriously.to a guy like that, nothing is serious. (well, one thing is serious, but man it’s old fucking news.)

and finally other random weird freaky shit

you know how when you’ve been chasing this damn dog all ov town and back and you just can’t seem to catch up with it it’s acting like it knows you’re there and it’s onto you a you start to wonder precisely who’s chasing whom and then surprises you by jumping out of a garbage can and sinking teeth into your arm and before you know it it’s turned int some guy, i mean some fucking guy with a mouthful of your meat? that’sthis guy.

- vampires, werewolves, ghouls, skinchangers, undead, the whole goddamn freakshow, it’s all out there if you know wh to look. or if you don’tknow which side ofthe fucking tracks to stay on, puppy boy. - they all have their own stats and i’m not really incline to makethem allup. you’ve got the pattern by nowsurely. knockyourselfout. i’ll do one to get you started. it’ll be your fave and mine, vampires. - instead of cold, vampires are cultured; instead of fucke up, they’re cunning; instead of mean, they’re bloodthirsty and instead of relentless, they’re immortal. - instead of evil, vampires keep track of how hungry they are. when they use theirpowers,they get hungrier, when they drink blood, they get less hungry.

whenever theythey makemake a bloodthirsty roll, roll, they they add their hungry. whenever a culturedor cunning subtract their hungry. - only stakes through the heart, burning, beheading, magic and garliccan reduce their immortal.they fall down when they get hit and fail the immortal roll, but unless it’s o of those things they don’t subtract one from their immorta and they can pretty much hop right back up. - their powers can include turning into a bat or a wolf or mist, mesmerizing people, moving superfast, being superstrong, you know, the whole damn list from that other fuckinggame. i know you own it. - fig 8 is a character sheet for a random vampire.

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a monster i am, lest a monster i wankety wankety wank my name is elias dumond iii cultured 5 cunning 3 bloodthirsty 3 immortal 4 hungry 1 i can transform myself into the bat and transx the ladies with my sinister yet compelling dark eyes, nyorm nyorm. g 8: a vampire

so that’snpcs. make your pcs piss theirpuppy-killing pants.

the evil fucked up side of... ...satanic spellbooks now some of your pcs aren’t going to be motivated by spellbooks.you’llset up a greatstoryline about acorrupt and heretical sect of congregationalists who were rooted out and (secretly) burned at the stake back in the late forties, but their blasphemous grimoire survived in the reference section of the utica public library, guarded by a reference librarian who is actually the ancient demon-god baal shebub, who’ll give it only to one worthy and steeped in the blood of many many puppies indeed, and you’ll start dropping hints into the flights of locusts and the gibberings of npcs and the entrails of little kids’ hamsters, and some of your pcs will beall likewhatever, let’s go blowshit up. well fuck them. they don’tdeserve spellbooks. fuck,theirenemies deserve spellbooks. kick their lame asses.

first degree spells - good for misleading pursuit – for the next full mile you walk, any footprints you happen to leave will point backwards instead of forwards.this spell takes less than aminute to cast and is only a teeny bit painful. - good for souring milk - summon up a piddly-ass demon and tell it to do something.probablyit’llobey,especially if you tellit to do something really really easy. this spell takes cast and is kind of pricey, like about a asgood muchten as minutes a dinnerto out. - good for keeping track of the parson - draw a circle on a map. if anybody who hatesyou isinside the circle, you’ll know it immediately (though you won’t know precisely who). this spell takes a minute or so to cast is all, but the smoke sure stings your eyes. - good for avoiding debtors’ prison – create a fat greasy wad of twenties.spendthem quick,though,because at dawn they’ll turn into afowl smell and maggots.plus youcan’t

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use them (directly) for any magicalpurpose. this spell takes ten minutes or so and you’ll want to floss your teet afterward.listerine helpssome too. - good for avoiding the mob - write a word on a piece of paper, it has to be a real word, and stick it in your pock next time you say that word, you transform into an ugly an ragged but serviceable seagull, and you stay that way unti sundown. it takestwenty minutes to castthis spell, and it hurts like a sumbitch.

second degree spells

- good for securing a measure of privacy - pace off a circ about the size of a vacant lot (or whatever shape, who giv a rat’sass). anybody who crossesinto your circlebefore dawn smells something really really funky, and it gets wor with everypassing second. only peoplewho kindalike that smell cantake morethan afew steps.anybody who started out inside the circle is immune.this spell takes maybe ten minutes to cast, plus pacing the circle, and is more tirin than you’d expect. - good for having back at your ungrateful relations - writ a person’s full name on a piece of paper and wrap it aroun a rock. within aweek, some kind ofunpleasant demon, devil, or ghoulwill visit that person.this spell takes ahalf hour to cast and requires you to spend the twelve hours on either side stone cold fucking sober. - good for turning a wallet of tobacco into cowshit - summ up a small to middling demon and tell it to do something. probably it’ll obey, especially if you tell it to do something nasty. tell itto do something extranastyand it mighteven tryto takecredit for the idea. don’t bother unless you’ve got at least a half hour and a couple three four twenties to burn.

third degree spells

- good for doing away with the constablery - write the nam of a cop and the name of a disease on the same piece of paper. the one inexplicably catchesthe other. only works on cops, including fbi and atf agents but not including privatedetectives or rentacops.this spelltakesalmost eight hours to cast (though it can be spread out over a we or so if it’s more convenient for you that way) and the la hour will make you dizzy from blood loss. - also good for doing away with the constablery - make a c (preferably one you’re not in) swerve wildly out of contro this spell only takes a second or two to cast, but god dam the hangover. - good for having your revenge upon the landlord - summon up a big ol’demon andtell itto do something.probably it’ll obey you or be wicked pissed that you disturbed it f something so trivial. anyway it’ll take youan hourto cast

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and set you back a pretty penny, sometimes up to a couple hundred bucks.

lesser rituals - good for securing notoriety - summon and bind a piddly-ass or smallto middling demon. they don’t like being bound so much, butit makesthem a. hang around until you’re ready to give them theirinstructions, b. obey you without fail, c. hang around after they’ve completed your instructions to see if there’s anything else they cando foryou, andd. not try to ripopen yourribcage and eat yourbeating heart. just in case. this spell takes anhour ormore tocast andcosts a couple grand. - good for taking footpads by surprise - choose a first or second degree spell from a satanic spellbook and brand it into yourbrain. from nowon youcan castthat spell without hauling out the ol’ spellbook and chanting the names of satan and slicingyourselfwith razorblades and so on. you still have tospend theevil ofcourse but it’s lesshassle. this spell takes a couple hours to cast and mm, scorched flesh. - good for lending verity to the contemplation of your eternalfate - visithell. you and one luckyguest. and, uh, don’tmisplaceyour returntickets. this spell takes a few minutes to cast and doesn’t require anything you won’t find lying around the house.

greater rituals - good for securing your prominence in earthly affairs summon and bind abig ol’demon. and youthought that little demons were pissed when you bound‘em. you better not end up in this guy’s care after you kack. this spell takes a month to cast and will bankrupt you, plus you’ll never sleep through the night again. so any given satanic spellbook is going to be hundreds and hundreds of pages of ravings and contain three or four spells at most. many have only one. they usuallyhave descriptions about as good as those above, but once in a while you’ll get one that says something like i used this one to get into goody halford’s basement and then launch into which names of satan to chant and how many drams of quicklime to moisten with lamb’s blood andwhere toput it. what thespell actually does is for you to know and your players to find out. (ifthat they’re ever so desperate or whackedthat they’ll try it, is.) oh and if you feel like being a real fucker you can give them spellswhosedescriptions are just lies. good for getting out of a jam it says and then what it does is emblazon a bigass glowing bull’s eye on their foreheads, that kinda shit. so that’s good.

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the evil fucked up side of... ...guns

thereare no good gun mechanics in roleplaying.probably therecan’tbe because it’s just too complicated.set up the shot,pull thetrigger, and who thefuck knows?even supposing you hit, bullets spin and tumble and bounce, the roll around your ribs and out the other side, they mushroo or shatter into bits, the physics of bullets is fucking crazy. one guylives through ten rounds in thetorso, the next guykills himself with anair pistol.so i’mnot going to bother.i’ll giveyou someadvice, but don’t even expect any mechanics out ofme. if youneed gunmechanics, go play squad leader or millenium’s end or whatever the fuck. so here’s my advice. - the whole point is to kill. a gun that won’t kill somebody in one shot isn’t worth selling to children, right? so absolutely everysingletime somebodypullsa

trigger, somebody might die.always you, me, randomstrangers, downstairs neighbor, there’s a chance. make sure the your pcs know it. - on the other hand, there’s no such thing as a sure kill. i know it’s a special case, but jfk’s brains were on the fucking trunk of the lincoln and they didn’t declare him until four hours later.people get shot inthe headand fall down and stop breathing and go on anyway to live normal ha lives. not mostof thetime, notmuch ofthe time,very rarely infact, butit doeshappen. if yourpcs wantto be 100%, make them use a fuckload of bullets. - nobody knows what’s going on in a firefight, and accurac

in thereal world is forshit. take thispoor diallo guy. those cops shot 41 bullets at him, he was standing in a for fucksake doorway, and a. they onlyhit himwith 19or something and b. they thoughthe was shootingback. nothing like flying bullets to make youstupid. you don’tknow where you hitthat guy,you justknow hefell down.you don’t know where the shotsare coming from. don’t give your pcs tactical information, tell them what they see and hear and make them fucking sort it out. - everybulletgoes somewhere. roll the shot,miss,shit happens, but do youknow where that bullet is now? in a stonewall? through awindowand in old mrs merrihew’s toasteroven? lodged against the rib of a passingdogwalker? make your pcs remember to ask what’s going on on the far s of their targets. - bullets don’t kill you by magic, they kill you by tearin big pieces out ofyou. they splatter blood, they blow off fingers, they unhinge jaws and elbows, they make you puke your shredded guts outyour mouth and nose. there’s no such thingas a cleankill. make your pcs gag.

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- dyingsucks. sometimes you pass outand neverwake up, sometimes you scream for an hour, sometimes you piss yourself with pain untilfuckingtomorrow.you shit yourself. sometimes a lateral headshot will make your brain swell up and cut off its own circulation and leave your brainstem alive, heart beating, breathing in and out, perfect for organdonationbut dead fuckingdead. your best betwhatever happens is to getto thehospital, but who knows.make your pcsscared tofuckingto death of death. (let alone they’re going straight hell, and demons are that going to piss lye into their eyesockets for the rest of time.) - different guns are good for shooting people under different conditions.a glock19 is good for shootingpeople under normal, reasonable shooting people conditions like when the fucking jocks have been pushing you around for four nightmarish years and you can’t fucking take it anymore, plus they’rewickedreliable.a pump shotgunis good formaking that noise before you shoot people in fucking half. a colt 9mm submachinegun is good for when you want to kill everybody in the room but you don’t really want to kill the people in the next apartment, while an m16 is good for when you don’t care whothe fuckyou kill. make yourpcs useapproximately the right gun for the job (but definitely don’t expect them all to be gun geeks). - oh, and if your pcs don’t want guns or want them only to use on animals not people, they’re super cool (remember satan’sguidelines).tell them righton from me.

the evil fucked up side of... ...character advancement if by some terrible mischance you end up playing a kill puppies for satan campaign instead of just a one night stand as it were, your players will probably want some way to improvetheircharacters.well fuck them. it costsfive points of evil to improve a stat, let them save up like everybody else. whinybutts. you may want to compromise, however. if you’re asofty. here’s a way to do it and yet keep a few pathetic shreds of your dignity.at theend ofevery session, choose some or all of the following. figure out which pcor did the fucked individual you can just decide, you can give uppest everybody a vote, thing. or you canask forcash bribes.however you decide, give that persona pointof character evil. (character evil isn’t the same as regular evil, which you get from killing puppies. i’ll explain in a sec, just jesus christ hold your horses would you?) - figureout whichpc wasthe fucked uppest overall. give that person a pointof character evil. if thisis thesame pc as did the fucked uppest individual thing, only give one

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point of character evil for both, unless they were truly fucked up above and beyond the call. - figureout which pcbest followedsatan’sguidelines.give that person a point of character evil. - figure out which pc got the most new people to hate them give thatperson apoint ofcharacter evil. in caseof a tie, decide on the basis of how powerful their new enemies are.

figure out which pca was most helpful evil. to your fiendish plans. give that person point of character - now divvy a couple three more points of character evil among thepcs whoseplayers didn’t piss youoff. (this is another great opportunity to pay back cheaters.) - customize the numbers to howmany players you have. two points average per session seems generous to me. - the deal with character evil is it’s exactly the same as regular evil except they can’t spend it during play. naturally they’ll want to spend it on something lasting, l improving their stats or inventing spells, since otherwise it’s a waste. (justin case it’s not obviousa. they can

keep itfrom session to session same asalways, and b. at the end of the session they can supplement it with regular evil if they happen to have some left.) that should make them shut up for once.

the evil fucked up side of... ...hell you noticed the lesser satanic ritual that lets you and a guestvisithell? that’sbig fun. you shouldget your pcs to cast it sometime if you can.

the evil fucked up side of... ...god

franklyi’d skip it. free will and all, remember?it’s not that god doesn’t care what your pcs do, it’s not that he wouldn’t rather they knocked it the fuck off, it’s just that he’s decided to let them (and everybody) make their o bed. but ifyou findyou’ve got to roleplay him, i’djust

go ahead and make him a joyless judgmental goon-squad fuck a glorified orrin hatch (r-utah). patron of woman-haters, anti-choicers and homophobes (but not of racists, i mean what kindof sensewould that make?). plus heexpects you to kiss hisass. plus since a senseof humoris a way todeal constructively with being wrong, stupid, and weak, he hasn got one. but like i said, i’d skip it if i could.

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the evil fucked up side of... ...money most people who kill puppies for satan have lousy lame menial jobs, ifthey cankeep ajob atall. they don’t have alot of disposable income,right? hand to mouth. so don’tlet your pcs buy shit unless they can come up with the cash in play. fortunately, this game isn’treallyaboutthe cool gadgets, so most of them will deal okay. however, if your pcs want to be all independently wealthy and shit, ask them why they’re killing puppies for satan (small fucking potatoes) instead of gutting cities, murdering the poor, and raping the developing world like good little industrialists. shit,thoseguys are satan’sreal toadies.

the evil fucked up side of... ...that first session

you gotta break the ice and get the stupid pcs to work together.it’s theplague ofroleplaying and fuck ifmost of the timewe don’tjust havethem meetin a bar instead.you can go ahead and just do it that way if you want, i mean hell it’s your game, but maybe try this. have everybody make theircharacters.you know howin some games it says you must draw your character, to connect with the rightparts ofyour brain or whatever?in thisgame, you absolutely must write i kill puppies for satan at the top of yourcharacter sheet. if youdon’t doit, you’re clearly not in the spirit of tell the game tell your players that. ‘em i and saidyou so. might as well fuck off. turn to your firstplayer. have her introduce her character. hi, myname’s morton and i kill puppies for satan.hi morton. pleasesay something aboutyourself. if you’re gonna run the kick in the head starting adventure that’s coming up, sayhow doyou knowgerald stebbins? why did heinvite you to hisbirthday party? no, comeon, it’s gotta be better than that, he only invited like eight people and oneof them’syou. are youlike hisfriend orwhat? (everybody and their fucking dog compares roleplaying to improvtheater. make your playerswork for it!) now yournext player.hi, myname’s joanie and i kill puppiesfor satan. hi joanie. my motherabandoned me in the dumpster behind a post office, i was raised by a postal worker who muttered and mowed his lawn every damn day, christmas, easter, rain, snow, the fuckin’ ice storm of ‘97, he didn’t miss a single day, out there with his mower grinding away at twenty two inches of solid frozen ice, i

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mean fuck,man. thanksfor sharingthat,joanie. (what about youand gerald stebbins?what giftdo youget him?) here it is: and how do you and morton know each other?

then sit there and don’t say anything until they work it out. (if it’sclear that they’re not gonna work it out,lazy fuckers,do something mean to them. okay,well,you were internet pen pals, you were both posing as fifteen year ol

virgin girls, you decided to meet at the mall, and there y were. now you’refriends,with occasional benefits.suck it up.) now your third player, hi my name’s scooter and i kill puppies for satan. yes i was namedafter thecharacter on the muppetshow. hi scooter. geraldstebbinsblah blah blah. and how do you know joanieand morton?

so by the end of this you’ll have inter-character stuff go on, just what you wanted, characters talking, getting to k each other, spilling beer on each others’ sofas and droppi buttsin each others’pottedplants. neverfails. i guarantee it or yourmoney back.tell theguy atthe counter i said so.

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springing gerald, the kick in the head starting adventure geraldstebbinsis a ghoul. ghoulseat corpses,that’s pretty much their whole deal, and they are the lowest of the fuckinglow. in the greatcosmological peckingorder,right, it starts with the big pecker himself on the top, then our man satan, then like the other angels and demons and shit, then the rest of us fuckups and lowlifes, vampires and space aliens and the whole like i said the whole freakshow, and then regular people, then vermin, then shit, then the nasty fucked up bloody puss that comes out of festering sores, then ghouls. when we kill puppies, right, some of it’s for fun and some of it’s for getting in good with the boss, and most of it’s for the power. not so with ghouls. ghoulsget some sort of cheap supernatural charge out of eating corpses, but it can’t even touch the power we get, and it leaves them weak and crazedand cravingmore. ghoulsare the desperate needlesharing ass-peddling heroin addicts of our world. so that’s gerald stebbins and let’s face it, the guy is not a charmer. he’s funnylooking,weasely,he’s got nodignity, and hisbreath isfor fuckall. but likepretty much everybody, even ghouls, he’s got a few friends (including your pcs). they’repeoplewho maybejust feel sorry for him, or maybe owe him one from back in the day, or hell maybe actually kind of likethe guy. i meanit takesall kinds, right? and he’snot a bad friend, not atall. sure hecalls you for help, and says he’ll make it up to you and never does, but he’s always so genuinely grateful that it’s hard to hold a grudge. he’s loyal and hewon’t make excuses when you ask him for stuff, if he can he will and if he can’t he really feels badabout it. he won’tfuck youup theass witha

_________________________________ this is not how i run this game anymore. if i were to sit down to start a kill puppies for satan game today, here’s what i’d do. i’d do the first session thing, but i’d say “who hates you? really? you didn’t put her precious in the blender or something did you?” then i’d take a pee break. then i’d be like, okay, scooter? this guy what hates you? he’s out there pounding on your door. he’s got a cop with him. marcie, you’re there too, have you guys been making out? just, man, slam ’em with who hates ’em. that’s how i run the game these days. it’s kind of too bad though. gerald stebbins + doctor skippy = good times.

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sharpened screwdriver as soon as you bend over, not like s people. you coulddo worse.

anyway, he’s having his thirtieth birthday party and he’s invitingall his friends. it’s like eightpeopleand he’s having it on a thursday night so it won’t conflict with anybody’s weekend. he’s savedup and bookedthe banquethall at the motel 6 off the pike, you know he’s been planning i for a while because he doesn’t have muchto spare. (he hasa job sweepingup at feeney’s funeralparlor,of course). he’s borrowed a cd player (maybe from one of your pcs) and chec some cdsout ofthe public library. he’s evenshoplifted a box of little girls’ birthday party invitations and carefu written in his name and the time and place.

your pcs will break his pathetic ghoul heart if they don’t go. plus goddamn ithow manyfriends do they have, that they can just blow one off?

at the motel 6

there’s a buffet with fried chicken, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, peas, lime jello, squares of carrot cake w a candlein each,carafes of 7-up downat theend. real 7up in jewel-cut plastic pitchers, not some store brand lef in thethree liter bottles it came in. no, thisis a class establishment, just like geraldwanted. he’d be so thrilled, where the hell is he? let theguests mingle. this isa greatchance tostart the set up of some other future adventure, introduce npcs who might show up again later, either ones that i’ve provided

below oryour ownif you’ve about it. mention rosalie even if thought she doesn’t talkbetosure thetopcs (just in case), and have somebody make the obvious joke about th meatloaf.

before itgets dull, in comesfranklin breszny. he’s kindof out of his element, he wasn’t sure he was going to come bu he has to deliver the news.

he stands just inside the doorway and like clears his thro if there are lots of conversations going on he waits a lit and then says um, excuseme. gerald’snot coming. he, uh. he. they. he’s at willard. willardstatementalhospital. so, uh, he’s not going to make it. poor franklin.everybody looking at him isn’tdoinghim much good. so, uh,i’m surehe’d beglad youall came,he says. uh.

he tries to get out without explaining any more but if somebody stops him and asks him he’ll tell his whole stupi story.

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franklin breszny’s whole stupid story (i’m going to tell it in third person, franklin this, franklin that, but it’s your job as a gm to act it out. don’t slack off, here.if yourgame sucks i’m sureas shit not gonna take the fall for it.) so franklin breszny once helped gerald stebbins fill out an application for a scan saver card down at the stop & shop. franklin thought it was just his random good deed for the week, but ever since then gerald has called him for help whenever he has some official document or process to deal with. he looksover gerald’staxes(geraldalwaysfiles even though he neverhas topay). he helpedgerald buy a used car. he even periodically has to explainto gerald’s prospective employers when they call that no, he’s never worked with gerald, he can’t offer them any information about gerald, gerald just puts him down on every form he fills out. yes, gerald’s a littlestrange. no, i’mnot saying that you shouldn’t hire him. for alli knowhe couldbe an excellent worker. anyway, so franklin gets a callnight before last. would he please come down to willard and pick gerald up? well, he went down to willard all right, but when he got there he found out that they didn’t mean pick gerald up and drive him somewhere, they meant release gerald into franklin’s custody. whichfranklinwas not aboutto do. so instead they made him sign some kind of form and he feels kind of bad about it but he left him there. oh, butwhy wasgerald inwillard in the firstplace? seems feeney jr came into the funeral parlor late, he forgot something or something, and he walked in on gerald, and gerald was chewing on old mrs merrihew’s dearly departed remains. (thiswas a surpriseto franklin, a big surprise, but ittotally shouldn’t be a surprise to your pcs.)feeney jr just went ahead and called the police, and by the time they got there gerald was done with one of mrs merrihew’s hands. he musthave putup a fight orsomething because when franklin saw him at willard his face was all bashed up. and likeas franklin says, he feels kind of through bad about it, because they were leading gerald back the big barred gates, franklin can’t be positive but he thinks he heard the orderly say, come on now, the needle torture isn’t that bad, it’s for science. fig 9 is a character sheet for franklin breszny.

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i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my dog my name is franklin breszny cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad grounddown face in the crowd: 4, but one of them was gerald stebbins. i’m the associate manager at big russ’s wholesale club. g 9: franklin breszny

so now unless your pcs are totally heartless pieces of shit, not just cold fucked up mean relentless motherfucker they’llgo springgerald. if they don’tseem inclined, the unfriendly bastards, a. make them feel like the lowdown abandoning lousy friends they are andb. sic rosalie on ’em.

rosalie towler

rosalie’s been listening in. at firstshe was trying to be discreet, just you know kind of hovering near the conversation, but by the end she’s standing there with her mouthhangingopen and her fistsclenched.when franklin says the bit about the needle torture she steps decisively into the conversation.

you fucker, she says, you just left him there you piece of shit? she’s little but itshould beclear toanybody that

she’s waymeaner than he is. he doesn’t have thestomach for this, poor guy, and she chases him out into the parking lo call yourselfhis friend you asshole! she shoutsand that’s it forfranklin breszny. she spitsat hiscar andhe leaves rubber on the pavement.

rosalie comes back inside with a fierce old gleam in her e so who’s with me? fig 10 is a character sheet for rosalie.

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i am a master of forces occult and obscure my name is rosalie towler learned 2 insightful 3 erce 4 resolute 4 potency 3 i get 3 potency every time i get a new piercing. i kick ass, but i’m not the kind of sorcerer who goes around battling occult villains, i’m the kind of sorcerer who likes to fuck with people. make up some good stealth/ illusion/psych out spells for me, okay? g 10: rosalie towler

now if your pcs don’t suck, feel free to skip rosalie altogether.unlessyou thinkshe’scool and want her along for the hell of it, in which case draw her in at any convenient point. whatever, it’s your game.

willard state mental hospital

if your pcs want to stop off and kill a puppy or two on the way, i’dgo aheadand letthem. that’s what the game’s about after all.just keepa moveon, don’tturn itinto likea big production. but so for willard the way i see it there are three ways you couldgo. way one:one ormore ofyour pcshave been inside willard in the past and you can lead them through it directly.easiest,leasthassle,maybeleastfun, an okay detail for a pc’sbackground.way two:somebody else at the party (or someone your pcs can call) has been inside willard and cango alongas a guide. also veryeasy, agood wayto include rosalie or some other npc, but it can take decision making and direction out of the hands of the pcs, which is naturally not so good. way three:nobody’sbeen inside willard before, your poor sad pcs are winging it, good luck to theirasses. big funbut kindof a pain, andif your players are anything like mine they’ll turn it into this like tacticalfuckingsituation, whichis yawn. way threeis my preference but you gotta kill that tactical instinct and get them to jump on in. anyway,your call. on to willard. sometimes i think that i’m the fucked up one in my life, but then my partner will come up with just the perfect thing and it leavesme wondering.this is one of those. willardis your high school. shut your eyes and imagine it. you go in, there’sthat lobbyplaceor whatever, instead of a trophy case there’s a case displaying the art/ craftor vocational projectsof the inmates. off toone side there are the administrative offices, and then past

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into the facilityproper. the securityis much tighter, of course, the guards inside have stun guns and those big ass flashlights, and the guards outside have handguns and tranquilizer rifles, which odds are your high school didn’ but the layout works like a (bad) dream.

all the like auditoriums, cafeterias, kitchens, gymnasiums locker rooms, and libraries stay, of course, and so do the grounds, with the same high chain fences (although now top with inward-slanting barbed wire) and the track around the softball field and the cruddy old four-square courts and shit. even the same parkingarrangement, with the drop-off circle in front of the door and designated parking places, and throw in a day-trip bus or two for added verity.

inside, the history and english departments are both low security, the parts that’re most like a hospital.thereare nurse/guard stations in the teachers’ lounges, and the roo are full size, four to ten residents per, each with a litt curtained area for a personal space.

the science department is the torture wing, with all the l and arcaneequipment and shit. chemistry for drugs,biology for surgery, physics for the needle torture and the fireho torture and electroshock, earth science for group therapy and phobiaencounter labs. the littlegreenhouse for growing plants. the theater department is vocational skills and the art department is arts/crafts.the thoughtof geraldstebbins doing macrame about makes me pee my pants. shop classcan stay exactly and perfectly the same. same equipment, same arrangement, same teacher, same students. sweet lovely shop class.

and your destination: the math department is high security with those guard-controlled airlock doors at the ends of t hallways and the classrooms broken up into individual padd cells. geraldstebbinsis in one of them. (mr halligan’s room to be precise, in my willard.) cool, huh?

now the most important the single most crucial part of thi whole very cool very fucked up thing, the most important i

do not absolutely for god sake do not let your players kno that it’s your high school. describe the lighting, the long tiled hallways, the little numbers over the doors, the sou their feet make and the smell of the disinfectant/floor wa ask them to turn right or left and let them wander around to your creepy little heart’s content, but no matter fucki what never say thewords “like a highschool.” you’ll be bursting to share the joke but come on, you don’t want to ruin it. savor itlike thedirty little secret itis and

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if you must you can let them in on it after they’ve been and gone. i think you can see how easy it’ll be to make npcs for the place too.i’m including a couplebut youknow they’re just people from my high school and it’ll be more fun to feature your own. but like I said willard has tighter security than your high schooldid. let’ssee. there’s one of those little cement buildings by the road as you drive onto the grounds, it has a couple of guards in it withguns andthey control the bigchain link gate. the sidewalk goes on the other side and they control the lock on thatgate too. they haveguns, handguns and ifthere are maybe six shotguns in the whole place, two of them are here. there are no like prison camp gun towers or anything, but maybe there’s a bell tower or a cupola you can put a spotlight and a guy with a rifle in. every hour during the night, somebody walks around the inside perimeter of the fence, with a big ass flashlight and a handgun and a tazer,so that’sgood. if it appeals to you, you can have the fence electrified during the night too, or maybe it has wires running through it that when you cut them an alarm lights up somewhere. inside, the guards don’t carry guns, just flashlights and stun gunsand walkie talkies. at nightthey dorounds or wander around or whatever, but during the day they more stay put unless something’s going on. the nurses’ stations don’t have much for security at all, just maybe a bigand oldshit cattle prod in a charger under the counter and a silent alarm button and a noisy alarm button too, whynot? i can see whereeither might come inhandy. during the night, they close the doors between the hallways of course, and you need to swipe your id card and sometimes enter apasscode to get in. probably they keep thedoors to the science wing closed all the time. i already mentioned the airlock-style doors into the math department.the dealwith those is thatthe guards look at you and your little id card through a bulletproof window, and if they like the looks of you they buzz you into the airlock, and once you’re in if they still like the looks of you they buzz youout theother side.presumably there’s a way to open both doors at once, like in case of a fire or whatever, but probably it’s never happened and there’s a mouse living happily under the switch. oh and somewhere there’s a security center, with lockers and camerascreensand a dispatcher and things. in the

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administrative officesprobably.that’swherethe otherfour shotguns and the gas masks and the tear gas are.

springing gerald

if your pcs have a brain among them, they won’t try to fig theirway in. not because they can’t,but becausethen they’llhave to a. find gerald’sroom whilepeopleare lobbing tear gas atthem andb. fight their way backout again,afterthe swat teamand snipershave arrived. you might remind them of this.

so that leaves sneaking and lying, both of which are possible.maybethe chewbacca gambit,with one of them acting gonzo and the others acting like authority figures? an oldiebut goodie.just remember that ifthey wantpeople to believe them they have to make those how many people ha you rolls.

anyway whatever they do, your job as gm is to make them wo for pcsare gonna succeed, know it, you they it. knowyour it. the question is a. how i do they do it know and it, b. how much does it cost them? the answershouldbe a. barely and b. a fuckload. use the imagination god gave you and satan perverted to his own cold and corrupt ends.

curves

so that’spretty simple. find away inpast theguards and stuff, find gerald’s room, somehow get poor gerald bac out withyou. enough tofill asession maybe, if youmake getting in and challenging. youmight to take it further, you out know, jazz itup but a bit. throw want acurve or two. here are a few suggestions to get you started. - the vacant room gerald’snot in his cell! wherethe fuck is he? cafeteria? gymnasium?macrameclass? gettingscrewedstupidby doctor skippy? you decide! - the vacant stare gerald’s not in hishead! he’s beendrugged into a loose floppy incontinent sack ofmeat. go on and onabout how fun it isn’t to lug a deadweight person around with you. (especially one that occasionally piddles on you.)

- the familiar face what if miss faith baroak was one of your pcs’ childhood therapists?what if somebodyfamousis in low security?got a coolrecurring npc? did oneof theguards used to havea very sweet little spaniel named daisy duke who whined like the song of angels? add depthto an existingrelationship.

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- the boiler room what could be goingon in its steaming hissing bowels? same for the laundry. - love at first sight hey, ithappens. have oneof yourpcs fallterribly for a guard, a resident, an orderly, a lunatic, a janitor, doctor skippy,whomever!don’tlet the pc blow it off. make it mutual for twice the fucked upness. - supernatural security maybe the scientists who rule the place don’t know it, but willard’s security system was designed to keep occult craziesin too. the on-dutysecuritydetailalwaysincludes a sorcerer, and the cameras and key doorways in the building are enchanted.(makesyou wonderwho’sin there,dunnit?) - the parasite to really up the cheese factor, make willard the hunting groundof a vampire. ham it up! hold your arm over your face fora capeand doyour fingers like fangs.byah, byah! i vantto suckyour blood!(or ifyou prefer you couldplay it straight and make your pcs fucking weep with fear.) - porky’s well, you’re here, might as well stop off at the locker room peepholes.say hi to doctorskippywhen you see him. - the wisdom of the damned can there be any doubt that there are satanic spellbooks tuckedaway in willard’s library? naturally there’sat least one accomplished (but unfortunate) sorcerer among the inmates of highsecurity.and don’tforget the doorway to hell in the locked closet in the macrame room! - ministering angels i know it’s hard to imagine, but what if willard is actually a placeof peaceand healing?would your pcs evenbe able to tell? how wouldthey react to a person ofserene carriage and unearthly beautyin gerald’scell? do angelshave internal organs? - the random emergency fire! flood! blackout!tornado! earthquake!stuckinside for fuck sake willard state mental hospital while the world might be ending out there! anywaythat’senough,fuck that. have fun.

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like the man says, it ain’t over till it’s over

now thefirst thing is thatgerald isin no state. he hasn’t eaten in a couple of days and he was pretty damn hungry ev then. maybe ananimal corpse or twowould take the edgeoff, just until he can find something more substantial?

ghouls don’t usually like their meat still warm, but maybe gerald’sdesperate enoughto make an exception.i wouldn’t turn your back on him just now.

it’s a real shame that he lost his job at feeney’s though. now he’s going to have to do the ghoul-on-the-street thing gettinghis earthly remains wherehe can find them. it’s grim. (but less grim thantortureand starvation in willard, of course.) plus thecops aregonna belooking for him. maybe hecan crash at your place.

anyway, while your pcs are patting each other on the back and wondering what to do with gerald now, let them go ahea and forget that the cops are gonna be looking for them too several sessions from now you can have a swat team show up at one of their dismal little homes to deliver an arrest warrant,and they’ll be all like what the fuck? until they figure out that this is about the willard break in. fingerprints, dna evidence, their likenesses caught by the security cameras, freelance occult detectives, play it rig and you can make them keep paying for this until (like sat you get bored of listening to them whimper.

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npcs gerald stebbin’s friends franklin breszny, rosalie towler, and lizzie wire, plus your pcs, plus figs 11-13: junkie bob teabag, mitchell norler, and the right reverend paul greengage. i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my dog my name is junkie bob teabag cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad grounddown face in the crowd: 2 my life sucks shit but at least i’m not a fuckin’ ghoul.

g 11: junkie bob teabag

i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my goldsh my name is mitchell norler cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, another grounddown face in not the just crowd: 5, butsad 4 of them were therapists. i like things just so. particularly, in alphabetical order. g 12: mitchell norler

my tortured soul wanders the earth looking for surcease in life my name was the right reverend paul greengage in touch with the times 2 psychologically whole 3 tangible recurrent53 unquiet 4 this many people know i’m a ghost: 3 (none of whom are at gerald stebbins’ party). yeah, i know i’m springing this on you. wing it. g 13: right reverend paul greengage

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staff at willard

doctors fred “coach” weinel, miss faith baroak, skippy jensen, and delar ford, plus figs 14-18: stew, alan tyrell cocoa wells, donna sherlock, dewey rensberger. i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my dog my name is stew, i’m a nurse cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people human being, down face in i was a medic in at willard.

have ever noticed me as a not just another sad groundthe crowd: 3 the service, now i’m a nurse

g 14: stew

i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my dog my name is alan tyrell, i’m a clerk in admitting cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad grounddown face in the crowd: 4 shit but man i like to smoke pot. g 15: alan tyrell

i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my cat my name is cocoa wells, i’m the macrame teacher cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad groundthe part crowd: 6 until the record i’m down just face doinginthis time deal comes through. g 16: cocoa wells

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i’m not a hero, i’m just willing to do what needs to be done my name is donna sherlock, i’m a clerk in maintenance thoughtful 4 astute 4 brave 2 dedicated 3 when i’m helping people out i get to re-roll 1s this many people admire me: 8 all the inmates know that i’ll give them free condoms no questions asked. g 17: donna sherlock

jesus wants me for a sunbeam my name is dewey rensberger, i’m the chaplain pious 4 wise 1 righteous 1 devoted 2 i owe god for this many points of miracles: 0 this many people depend upon me for spiritual succor: 0 it used to be 1 but she hanged herself some weeks ago. now i’m getting desperate and whiny and i’m a big pest. g 18: dewey rensberger

security at willard figs 19-23: bill tansey, mikey simmons, carl reho, nick travers, beth moriarty. i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i kick my dog my name is bill tansey, i’m a security chief cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another brutish powermongering thug: 0 if i had to choose i’d go with the stun gun but clocking inmates with the ashlight is a close second. g 19: bill tansey

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i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my dog my name is mikey simmons, i’m a security guard cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad grounddown face in the crowd: 3 walking the grounds at night with my gun out makes me feel like i have a penis.

g 20: mikey simmons

i’m not a hero, i’m just willing to do what needs to be done my name is carl reho, i’m a security guard thoughtful 3 astute 5 brave 4 dedicated 4 when i’m helping people out i get to re-roll 1s this many people admire me: 3 skinny smelly junkies can spit on my face and i don’t lose my cool. i’m kind of a misogynist though.

g 21: carl reho

bear wants me for a sunbeam my name is nick travers, i’m a security guard pious 2 wise 3 righteous 5 devoted 5 i owe bear for this many points of miracles: 0 this many people depend upon me for spiritual succor: 6 bear has made me a healthier inuence on the patients here than the doctors are. one day i’m going to beat doctor skippy to death with a baseball bat. g 22: nick travers

revenge is a dish best served right the fuck now my name is beth moriarty, i’m a security guard thorough survivor vengeful driven 4 i have a many with

3 3 4 fucking arsenal full of big-ass guns, of which i bring illegally to work me.

g 23: beth moriarty

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inmates at willard gerald stebbins, plus figs 24-28: warren garner, alice metier, standon waide iii, elena moon, katy gregory. i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i chew on them my name is warren garner, i’m whacked cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad grounddown face in the crowd: 5 i’ll eat anything. g 24: warren garner

i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my invisible friends my name is alice metier, i’m whacked cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another sad grounddown face in the crowd: 6 i had a really weird day and killed eight people. g 25: alice metier

i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i set my dog on re my name is standon waide iii, i’m whacked cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another cackling howling psychopath: 3 i think i can set re with my eyes but really it’s a zippo. g 26: standon waide iii

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i am a master of forces occult and obscure my name is elena moon, i’m pretending to be whacked learned 3 insightful 4 erce 2 resolute 3 potency 8 i get 2 potency every time i nish a prescription of thorazine. i’m starting to wonder about myself. g 27: elena moon

jesus wants me for a sunbeam or ruthless agent of his destroying vengeance my name is katy gregory, i’m whacked pious 2 wise 4 righteous 5 devoted 3 i owe god for this many points of miracles: 0 this many people depend upon me for spiritual succor: 1, my roommate, who is (shall we say) easily led. g 28: katy gregory

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and i’d like to finish off the npc section of our program with two new character types, ghouls and scientists, both of whom featurein our littlestory. snork.

the evil fucked up side of... ...ghouls instead of cold, ghouls are fucked up, they’re reasonable; instead ofcalm; mean,instead they’reof ferocious; and instead of relentless, they’re together. - insteadof evil,ghoulshave hungry. it works like vampires, whenever they use a power their hungry goes up by 1, whenever they feed it goes down. - every morning when they wake up, they add 1 to their hungry. - whenever they make a ferocious roll, they add their hungry. whenever they make a calm, reasonable, or together roll, they subtract their hungry. - when their hungry goes over 5 or 6, they totally freak out and they can’t use any of their powers until they feed. - they don’t keep track of how many people hate them, since prettymuch everybody does. insteadthey keep track ofhow many people can standthem. it doesn’t do themany good, though, since they automatically fail all of their how many people hate them rolls. - figs 29 and 30 are character sheets for gerald stebbins and a friend of his. hey, pass the ketchup, would ya? my name is gerald stebbins calm 2 reasonable 3 ferocious 3 together 2 hungry 7 this many people can stand me: 8 in the kill puppies for satan movie, i’m played by steve buscemi circa fargo. g 29: gerald stebbins

hey, pass the ketchup, would ya? my name is lizzie wire calm 2 reasonable ferocious 41 together 2 hungry 2 this many people can stand me: 2 in the kill puppies for satan movie, i’m played by calista ockhart with led teeth and mismatched contact lenses. g 30: lizzie wire

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here are ghouls’ powers.

- sinking your teeth in and not letting go – when you make together roll, ignore the die and just add 6 instead. - getting the fuck outta there – kick open a door or pull bars out of a window without bothering to make a roll. - running like a motherfucker – sprint at about forty mile an hour for a few minutes. - scaring the shit outta somebody – your teeth grow long a

sharp, your fingernails grow into talons, your back hunche your arms lengthen, and your eyes become staring dead corp eyes. you also get +1 to your ferocious. - being happy – nothing compares to the bliss and satisfaction of a corpse well digested.it’s almostas good as good sex, about as good as pretty good sex, which is wa better than your average ghoul hasever had. too badit’s so fleeting.

the evil fucked up side of... ...scientists - instead of cold, scientists

are cutting edge; instead of fucked up, they’re mad; instead of mean, they’re curious; instead of relentless, they’re objective. - yes this means that if you get into a fistfight with a scientist, they’ll roll on their curious to hit you. (“fascinating the noise you make when i apply force to you solarplexus. i wonderif it’s reproducible.”) - instead of evil, scientists accumulate publishable material.they may spenda pointof publishable materialto a. publishan articleor b. be immuneto a point’sworth of any supernatural effect. it’s a littletricky,the effect still happens and it affects everybody else same as always but the scientist can’t see or perceive the effect at all isn’ttouchedby it in any way. make sense? - they accumulate publishable material by conducting resea in their particular study area, of course. - figs 31-34 are character sheets for some scientists you might bump into at willard. i serve the cold blind nameless god of science my name is doctor fred weinel but everyone calls me coach cutting edge 2 mad 3 curious 5 objective 3 publishable material 2 i’m researching the effects of physical duress on sufferers of certain psychosocial disorders. g 31: doctor coach

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i serve the cold blind nameless god of science my name is doctor miss faith baroak cutting edge 1 mad 5 curious 2 objective 2 publishable material 4 i’m researching the responses of phobics to intimate contact with trigger stimuli. g 32: doctor miss faith

i serve the cold blind nameless god of science my name is doctor skippy jensen cutting edge 4 mad 4 curious 4 objective 3 publishable material 3 i’m researching the electrical activity in the brains of social deviants in consensual and nonconsensual sexual contexts. g 33: doctor skippy

i serve the cold blind nameless god of science my name is doctor delar ford cutting edge 1 mad 5 curious 3 objective 4 publishable material 2 i lead the willard residents’ choir. i’m researching the effectiveness of simple pavlovian conditioning in producing vocalizations of consistent quality. g 34: doctor delar ford

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cockroach souffle a dozen good sized cockroaches will yield only a heaping tablespoon of meat. cockroach has a spicy,pungent,lemoncilantro-bug flavor that is intimidating by itself, but nicelypermeates this souffle. this wouldmake anidealdish for a champagne brunch. 12 large cockroaches 4 eggs, separated 1 tbsp flour 1 tbsp butter 1 cup milk 1/4 cup chopped parsley salt, pepper and cayenne to taste preheat oven to 325. plunge cockroaches 1 or 2 at a time into boiling water and cook 2-3 minutes. cut the carapaceopen with kitchen scissors and carefully pick the meat from the abdomen, body, and top joint of legs. prepare abechamel with the is smooth and hot, stir and remove from heat.beat season to taste and let

flour, butter and milk. when it in the cockroach meat and parsley, theegg yolkswell andadd. cool slightly.

whip the egg whites until stiff and fold them gently into the cockroach and egg yolk mixture. pour into a greased 7-inch souffle baker and bakeuntil set, about 40minutes. serve at once.

contents cockroach souffle

54; the wisdom of the damned 55; how many fish would a blowfish blow? 60; goodgrief andgravy 62;i scream you scream 66; a big hairy combat example 72; wizardly shit 76; revenge of the killer puppies 80; scenario: hey, i foundthis, youwannit? 82; appendix a: whohates ya, baby? 87; appendix b: butyou can’t87; appendix c: killing vampires is easy 87;appendix d: what would jesus do? 87.

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the wisdom of the damned the yellow grimoire of malthais van orley

now i have to warn you, malthais van orley (1731-1777) was one cold fucked up mean relentless motherfucker, plus he had a real gift.he couldsit downand writesix hundred pages in his crabby little hand and in all of them not thr

consecutive words would make sense. benjamin franklin wrote of him: “if it is not the pottage vermin, then it is the covetous glance he fixes upon my lo old trey. such a damn’dnuisanceis this v. o. that i find myself quite off my hump.”

in the early fifties, van orley’s (so called) yellow grimo came to the attention of a disgruntled editor at puffin books named wilfred leer, who published it in two volumes. occasionally you can find it in a college library or one o those used bookstores specializing in books nobody ever bu don’t be put off by the fact that it’s totally unreadable and the frontspiece invokes a curse of pustules and pox on the reader -- you don’t want it for the reading and the cu only takes effect if you open the book during a waxing moo or in february.

van orley wrote three satanic spells into his yellow grimoire, but they’re tricky to pick out of the gibberish. have your pcs make a cold roll to find each one.

- good for driving off vagrants, a first degree spell – to a smallstone atyour target.it hitswith about the force of a mediocreprofessional-level fastball.this spelltakes

a second or so to cast and sometimes gives you a nosebleed

- good for having your revenge upon burglars, a first degr spell –say aloudthe nameof something you own. the thing you name, wherever it is, bursts into fierce flame, settin anything near it alight and burning itself quickly to ashe this spell takes three minutes to cast (by the clock) and leaves blisters on the palms of your hands. - good for cheating the hangman, a greater ritual – kiss your target on thelips. you andyour target swap bodies. forever. if you have magical thingslike bounddemonsand

branded they stay with your is oldup, body. still die of spells, old age when your time no you’ll matter how youthfu a bodyyou’re in.this spell takes acouple ofhours tocast and leaves you exhausted and puking.

malthais van orley was in fact hanged on march 6, 1777, an so that’s when we say that he died, but who knows?

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the golden guide to satanic ceremonies now thisis a book tofind. it waspublished in 1971 by goldenbooks,compiledby one elizaj. jowre, and unfortunately went almostimmediately out of print. the story goes that late in 1971 jowre learned that she had terminal lymphatic cancer, converted to islam and joined a fundamentalist mosque, to which she willed the book’s reprint rights that they never exercised. the resulton isthe thatcondition there simply aren’t very be many out there. for the most part sorcerers, not puppykillers, have the resources to collect them. (i have it from a highly placed source that the relevant authorities found jowre’s last-minute conversion entertaining, but not particularly convincing.) the guide contains 5(!) satanic spells, and an absolute bare minimum of raving. - good for souring milk, a first degree spell - summon up a piddly-ass demonand tell it to do something.probably it’ll obey, especially if you tell it to do something really really easy. this spell takes agood tenminutes to cast andis kind ofpricey, like about asmuch asa dinnerout. (yes, this is from the kill puppies for satan main book.) - good for interfering with the outcome of a sporting event, a first degree spell – take a ball point pen and scribble on a photograph of yourtarget. for thenext couple hours, any plants your target happens to step on will clutch and grab at her feet. the plantsdon’tget any supernatural strength or anything, so it’s a small hindrance, but there it is. doesn’twork on astroturf.this spelltakessay tenminutes to cast, and afterward the pen won’t write. - good for keeping current with the times, a first degree spell –turn yourtv to channel one.for thenext couple hoursit picksup hbn, the hell broadcasting network. this spell takes a minute or two to cast, banging on the side of the set sometimes helps, and if you cast it every day your tv will burnout ina week. an easyvariation lets you castit on a radio instead. - good for demoralizing a rival, a second degree spell – write the name of the person you want to fuck with on a piece of paperand leaveit in a publictoilet. until tomorrow, everything that happens to go into the toilet falls out of the sky onto your target. yuck. this spelltakesten minutes to cast, and you might want to choose a time when the restroom’s otherwise deserted, because the noises and smells will be embarrassing and you’ll want to clean up afterward. - good for evading the tax-assessor, a third degree spell – go peel the numbers off your door or mailbox or porch or whatever.for one fiscalquarter,your addressdisappears

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from the world. you stillget electricity and cableand phone service, but no mail delivery, no pizza delivery, no landlord visits, and even the goddamn mormons pass you by. this spell takes five or six hours to cast and calls for t fifths of bourbon, and after it ends your bills come back with a no shit vengeance.

the theologia of genevieve st. john

this book has a complicated history, so pay attention. genevieve st. john wrote the srcinal manuscript in paris i the earlynineteenth century. (or elsethe nunsof a corrupt convent wrote it, and used genevieve st. john as a pseudon a possibility which also has merit.) either way the book i not fuckingaround, with a capitalnot fuckingaround. it was published in a very small edition in 1847; i’ve never heard of anyone who owns an srcinal.

in 1910, sir igor bermouth made the first translation into english, called the “redoubtable.” it is an excellent

translation, dense and nuanced. occasionally one of these will come up for sale or auction if you know where to look; if it sells for less than say fifteen thousand dollars, it’s not genuine.

in 1912, gregory phipps, an american, made an independent translation.his is more approachable, perhaps,but with a much more strident editorial style, and footnotes that franklydevolveinto thefantastic.he was much takenwith the heretical convent theory, and went so far as to identi six separate authors, whom he named after stage stars of t period. nevertheless, a valuableand informative book,and no easier to get.

then, in 1941, sir igor’s son in law, coincidentally also named phipps, found the french manuscript sir igor had use and, ignorant of the fact that his father in law had alrea done so,published translation. a he believed the bookto be a genuine theological tract, however, and did a lot of dam to it in orderto makeit one. he cutout almost wholesale the perversions and sacrileges, he made the delightful depictions of freaks and human oddities into trite sermons and, confused, he garbled the spellsbeyondfunction.if you have a chance to get “the phipps translation,” make sure i the other one.

and finally, in 1949, professor childe valten translated i not from the srcinal french, which she didn’t have access to, but from an 1886 german edition. oddly,her translation contains almost a hundred pages not in any other, includin an extraspell. no one knowswhetherthey’resrcinal to genevieve st. john, srcinal to the german translator, srcinal to professor valten, or incorporated at some stage from anothersource. professor valtenpublished it herself,

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so naturally it’s a big stupid pain in the ass to find this one too. the “redoubtable” and phipps(1912) editions contain two satanic spells: - good for deceiving st peter, a second degree spell - until dawn, you are invisible to angels (and demons, by extension). this spell takes one minute to cast, but you can’t cast it if duringthe past twentyfour hoursa. you’vekilled something for evil or b. you’veused any evil for anything. there’s a popular belief that this spell might allow you to sneak through the pearly gates.i wouldn’t count onit, butfuck, you got a better plan? - good for facing st michael, a greater ritual – cast this spellon something you can hold in your hands. whatever it is,it becomes unholy. if youcast iton a weapon, the weapon will now hurt demons, vampires, ghosts etc, even angels. yes, even angels. (angelsaren’tkillable, but you can sure as shit make them run away with their tails between their legs.) you can even cast it on a gun and it’ll work, you don’thave tocast iton individual bullets. heh heh. it takes four hours a day for seven consecutive days to cast, and, barring some other magic or miracle, the unholiness is permanent. professor valten’s translation has a third spell: - good for distressing the mother superior, a lesser ritual – take your target by the hand and say her full name aloud. you lose a point of evil, and she gains one, even if she’s not a puppykiller for satan. she canuse itjust like you would, in fact she’ll feel a tremendous pressure to do so, she’ll have to make relentless or devoted or whatever rolls tokeep herself from giving in. it pissesgod right off whenhis fanatics use evil. the badnews isthat some demons think that this counts as tempting to sin, and they might come kick yourass fora scab. the spelltakes twenty minutes or so to set up, and aside from the evil, doesn’t cost you a damn thing. plus, if you read any edition but the useless phipps(1941) one, you get a free point of character evil to spend on increasing your fuckedup! what a deal.

satan!

loves!

you!!!

i found this little pamphlet tucked into a hymnal in the locallds meetinghouse. who knowswhereyou’llfind it. it’s a tri-folded sheet of legal paper, poorly typed on both sideswithoutmarginsand with very bad punctuation.it’s almost completely unreadable, and the anonymous author’s theories(including the title)are faciallyabsurd. it contains a satanic spell, however:

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- good for getting away from the piggies, a first degree spell – the next person who tries to put handcuffs on you suffers a sudden, temporary, incapacitating brain seizure. (if you want, you can have them make a relentless or whate roll to recover quickly.) this spell takes around half an hour to cast, plus the time it takes you to write a random hate letter to 475w910s heber city, ut84032. if youcast the spell and nobody tries to put handcuffs on you in the

next oh say week or so, the spell fades. don’t actually send random hate letters to 475w 910s heber city,ut 84032. it’s alaw enforcement equipment supplierif you must know, that’s why them and not some other arbitrar address, and they never did anything to you. plus nomatter how many hate letters you send, you still can’t actually c spells. einstein.

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how many fish would a blowfish blow? or, the evil fucked up side of... ...zombies let’s start with a sorcerous spell: - the obedient servant, 3 potency– caston a corpse. the corpsebecomesanimateand supernaturally strong. it will followyour instructions but is stupidas shit. the spell lasts for as long as you want, but the corpse continues to decompose the wholewhile. blowfishpoisonis a traditional component of the spell (as we know from the serpent and the rainbow).so that’swherezombiescome from. now, the type of zombie you get when you cast the spell depends on just howdecomposed the body is. and yes,if you keep zombies around they gradually change from one type to the next. - instead of cold, zombies are minimally sentient, instead of fucked up, they’re a pain in the ass, instead of mean, they want to eat your brains, and instead of relentless, they’re single-minded. - if you cast the spell on a body that hasn’t begun to decompose, you get a zombie who can passas living.zombies of this sort usually have high numbers in minimally sentient and pain in the ass, and low to middling numbers in want to eat your brainsand single-minded. they can even occasionally talk or otherwise communicate (“want... to... eat... brains...”).of the three,they make the best bodyguards, not least because you can take them out in public. - here’s a character sheet for a recently dead zombie. my friends and relations might still recognize me i used to have a name minimally sentient 4 pain in the ass 4 want to eat your brains 2 single-minded 3

- if you cast the spell on a body that is definitely decomposing, you get a classic evil dead sort of zombie, vicious and aggressive, with a fucking fearsome hunger for brains. this sorthas highnumbers in want toeat your brains and single-minded, and lowish numbers in minimally sentient and pain inthe ass. of thethree, they make the best killers and shock troops, if you can keep them quiet between jobs.

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- here’s a character sheet for a classic zombie. dead by dawn! dead by dawn! i haven’t had a name for a while minimally sentient 1 pain in the ass 3 want to eat your brains 5 single-minded 4

- if you cast the spell on a skeleton (or mostly one), you

get an animatedskeleton, of course. skeletons, beingmore brittle, pay more attention to their surroundings, but god damn theystill crave the brains.their high numbers are in pain inthe assand wantto eatyour brains.of thethree, they make the best protectors for your stuff, since they f small and you can put them as an ambush into like your clo or foot locker. - here’s a character sheet for a skeleton zombie. ray harryhousen would be proud to call me his own i haven’t had a name for a long ass time minimally sentient 2 pain in the ass 5 want to eat your brains 4 single-minded 3

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good grief and gravy being thegm is the shit,and alsobullshit.the shit because you get to toy with peoples’ little lives, bullshit because it’s like the goddamn sims, their little bladder meter goes all the way to the red and they can’t figure out for them stupid selves to get off the stupid couch and go to thestupid bathroom. no, yougotta click on thelittle thing, click onthey the other little thing,and andget they spendand so long inand there that miss their carpool fired, then they come cryingto you, wah wah wah. feebs. right,but i mean your players. they thinkthat if a. you didn’t say so or b. it’s noton theircharacter sheet, then it’s not true. whichis a problem,becausea. you can only say so many things, and you hope to god they’re more interesting than “scooter, you really have to pee, do you go to the bathroom?do youmake itback outin timefor your carpool?” and b. there areonly eight things ontheir character sheet, and one of them is that they kill puppies for satan for fuck sake. so what you want to do as gm is make them responsible for theirown pee. keep the good stufffor yourself, naturally, but give the bullshitaway. killingpuppiesis a perfect example. the firstcouple oftimes it’s kind ofnovel, if you’reinto it. but since

rule number one: there must be enough evil you’re going to end up going through puppies like toilet paper. it can get a littledull. you couldjust hand puppies out, okay you kill the puppy and you get two evil what do you do now, but then you might as well be playing observe celestial events for potency or some other lame shit. and besides

rule number two: there must be more grief so slacking off onit willnever do. no, you’ve got tofind a way to make the damn puppies carry their own weight. here’s away. whenever one of yourpcs wantsto killa puppy and you don’t want to deal with it in depth, hand it back to them: scooter: man, i’m down to my last couple evil. i gotta nd a puppy to kill. hey, can i nd a puppy to kill? you: sure. what kind of puppy do you nd?

who careswhat scooter says. i under a bench in the park, fish that somebody left in find anice parrot.give itto you: that’s ne.

finda babyharp sealliving i find a rare beautiful tropical a fishbowl on top of their car, i them,don’t even sweat it.

you can kill it however you want.

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go

ahead and collect the evil. you?

what grief does it give

now what you want, of course, is for your players to come with devious, perverse, and funny things to do to themselv without any more effort on yourpart. you mighthave tokeep at it a while, but sooner or later they’ll catch on.

the first thing is to get them to stop thinking about thei damn character sheets: scooter: uh, i get –1 to my cold for the next six hours. you: yeah, right. that doesn’t even make sense. try again. scooter: well how about if i get a penalty to my people hate me roll? you: yawn. keep trying.

eventually they’ll start coming up with good in character things, genuine inconveniences, not just dumb dice penalti making enemies, leaving evidence, hurting themselves, cost themselves money or time, stumbling into weird shit that they’d otherwise miss, on and on, they’re probably much more twistedthan you gavethem creditfor. sometimes dice penalties or new people who hate them will come out of the descriptions, and that’s cool, just not vice versa.

anyway once they get away from the dull mechanics-based grief, the next thing is to make sure they’re serious abou it. whenever they try toget awaywith weakgrief youmight just slap them down: scooter: okay, well as i’m bashing the sh with a brick i nick my other hand with the corner and i get a wicked bad blood blister right -- here. you: nice try. actually, when you bash the sh with the _________________________________ of all the useless bullshit in the world, this section is some. Here’s some real advice: i’ve run like a million demos of kill puppies for satan. what i do when i run a puppies demo, i use all kinds of “stop” signals in such a way that the players take ’em as provocation. like this: me: And ... i mean ... what do you do with the (flinch) sweet little kitten?

player: i put my theface) blender on ‘whip’... me: (covering player: ...i drop the kitten in. me: ugh,can youimagine the sound that must make?and the sound thekittenmust make? i can’tbelieveyou just did that, that’s just sick, i changed my mind about playingthis game with you. you don’t,y’know,drink it, do you? player: and i drink it! thusly.

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brick, the brick splits and there’s this rush of foul air from the crack. you’re possessed by an obnoxious little demon, it’s been trapped in there for a long time. what’s your favorite restaurant? scooter: uh. pinnochio’s, downtown. you: great. the demon takes you downtown to pinoccio’s and you spend the next six hours gorging yourself on veal and scampi. you eat, what, ve dishes an hour, fteen bucks plate, it ve hundred of food. youa skip outcall without paying, of dollars course, worth and then the demon curls up in a corner of your mind and goes to sleep. scooter: you mean it’s still there? you: naturally. and i gotta tell you, it needs ve hundred dollars worth of veal and prawns every day or it gets really nasty. scooter: but -- but how do i get rid of it? you: you wait. until christmas. oh, and plus, when you see morton, the rst thing you do is puke on him. morton: huh? you what?

show them that when they try to get away with lame grief, instead they get fucked to spare. get themlooking for that magic level -- bad enough that you’ll give it to them, but not sobad thatthey can’t live withit. and definitely definitely not as bad as you do to them when they try to weasel out.another fun thing isto turnit overto oneof the other players: scooter: so i kill this puppy, and – you: hold on. morton, what grief does it give her? morton: huh? oh, i get it. well, let’s see, what was it again that she puked on me? veal and prawns? scooter: oh, come on now! you: no, go ahead, morton. grief?

run with that.

what’s the

that’ll learn ‘em. once you get it rolling, all you gotta do is decide occasionally to play a puppy killing out in detail, so nobody gets too comfortable.you’regolden. oh, and of courseif they fucking cheated during character creation, it’s your civic duty to give them grief till the blood comes out their ears. just in case you forgot. so great, you’ve passed duties as gm. what’s next? off one of your more irritating keeping track of a world full of people is a pain in the ass, but yourpcs gottahave friends.that’s one of thebest ways to get them into trouble, right, friends, families, lovers, naturally it is. can’tdo withoutit. like good old gerald stebbins, always getting taken off to willard or over their heads with the loansharks. kill puppies or not,you still can’t just blow off your friends.

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anyway that’s fine, but you should be hatching fiendish plots, not trying to remember if scooter’s friend marsey i the one who sniffs between sentences or the one who speaks a clippedmonotone. right? right. the solutionis the same. farm everybody who’snot important out to your players. just springit on them,why not? it works like this: you: scooter, someone’s calling you. ring, ring. scooter: hello. scooter. you: it’s your friend marsey. he’s just been in a car accident. morton, would you play marsey for me? morton: huh? what? you: play marsey for me. he’s just been in a car accident. come on, don’t be a feeb. morton: well, whatever, okay. scooter? (sniff) it’s marsey. (sniff) listen, could you give me a ride? (sniff) i’ve, uh, i’ve got a problem with my car. (sniff)

you can hand over marsey’s character sheet if you want, bu odds areyou neverbothered to make onefor him. sometimes it’s fun to tell marsey’s new player secrets that marsey knows, but don’t feel obligated.keep aneye onit andbe ready tostep inand it’llbe fine. after alittle while you won’t even notice, you’ll wonder how you managed befor swear to god.

the only trick is: don’t make anybody play their own frien got that? you hateit whentwo npcshave totalk toeach other infront ofeverybody, know i youdo. your players hate it too. don’tdo it. even if you hate them,even if they cheated like cheating bastard pigs and you can’t thin of anyother wayto makethem pay. it’s justnot worthit.

so keep that up. wheneversomething gets irritating, figure out a way tomake oneof yourplayers do it. eventually you’ll be left with only the cool stuff, and that is the n shit shit. gravy.

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i scream you scream or, the evil fucked up side of... ...ghosts the pain in the ass with ghosts is that you have to think aboutwhat’sup with them. theirhistory,theirpsychology, their whole backstory.i mean,i guessyou kindof have to with every npc, but ghosts you actually really have to. nah, fuckit. i’ll makea littletable foryou toroll on instead. - ghosts mostly don’t realize that they’re ghosts, and a lot of the time the people around them don’t realize either. a lot of ghosts are visible and have jobs and seem like everybody else. - instead of cold, ghosts are in touch with the times; instead of fucked up, ghosts are psychologically whole; instead of mean, they’re tangible, and instead of relentless, they’re recurrent. - ghostsare mostfun whenthey failrolls. when aghost fails an in touch with the times roll, it is simply incapable of figuring out what’s going onaround it.when itfails a psychologically whole roll, it reveals the gaps left in its personality when it died. when it failsa tangible roll, it becomes translucent, silent, odorless, weightless, frictionless, something cool like that. and when it fails a recurrent roll, it disappears entirely and returns to some earlier state. - insteadof evil,ghosts have unquiet. the theory is that every ghost has some unresolved something that’s keeping it here. when theghost resolves its deal,its unquiet goes to zero and on it goes to its well-deserved rest. - since ghosts mostly don’t know that they’re ghosts, they mostly have noclue whattheir owndeal is. They’re basically winging it, going where their unquiet leads them. - they’realso pretty easy tofool. say a ghost ishanging around until it gets to attend its daughter’s sixth birthday

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more actually worthwhile gm advice, speaking of ghosts: have your players create some npcs! let ’em stat out the people who hate them, random other people, just like pass the book to them open to the npcs section and be like all, “hey, make up some npcs while i’m on the potty, yeah?” they’ll come up with good shit, and when you inflict it upon them later, they’ll be happy. it’s a thing. also, check this out. this is from a game i ran: putricene and kaylen are PCs, they hate one another. they’ve horked flaming snot and gushed vast shit and between the two of them they managed to kill one metric fuckload of maggots (=2.2 fuckloads imperial), which satan called them up about and wasn’t too pleased - “have you seen the state of my

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party, and its daughter is forty one and married and livin in ohio. you canhelp theghost outby havingeverybody act the party out, pretending to be its daughter and guests an so on. get enough details rightand it’llwork fine. - ghostsdon’tspend unquiet to do things. instead,their levelof unquietdetermines what they can do. or rather, what they can do easily, since they can do things from oth levels of unquiet, but when they do, their unquiet increas

bear with me, it’ll make sense. - a ghost’s unquiet goes up(by 1 point) every time a. it fails aroll onany ofits stats, b. it usesa powerfrom a different levelof unquiet, or c. something happensthat will make it substantially harder for it to resolve its de - a ghost’s unquiet goes down(by 1 point) when a. it makes asignificant move toward resolving its dealor b. it forgets about its dealfor a long time.its unquiet can never go to zero until it totally resolves its deal. - sometimes it makes sense to keep track of how many peopl know that it’s a ghost. - here’s a character sheet for a random ghost. my tortured soul wanders the earth looking for surcease in life my name was annabella brockminster in touch with the times 2 psychologically whole 1 tangible 4 recurrent 3 unquiet 6 my deal is that i’ll hang around until i get to go to my daughter’s sixth birthday party. this many people know i’m a ghost: 0

here are some ghostly powers. at zero unquiet, remember, the ghost goes away forever, buhbye ghost.

_________________________________ office?” he said - and they burned down each others’ houses and shit. anyhow Putricene runs through the neighborhood peering in the windows until he finds somebody with a wallsized tropical fishtank, he jimmies the door, and he feeds the fish with speed“dare and pcp. he kids slaps[scratched a sticker out] on the fishtank that says to keep fish off drugs.” i’m like, “cool, somebody hates you for that! it’s ... let’s say a vampire. he’s asleep in his coffin in the basement right now! he’s a vampire who keeps tropical fish.” we cut to something else. fluffy crucifying the kittens in the church sanctuary? atilla chucking mutilated kittens through the window into the ymca 1st-grade swim class? both?

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at low levels of unquiet, from 1 to 3, the ghost can do any or all of these: - hold down a job. - remain corporeal in high-pressure or high-sensation situations, like while competing in a bicycle race or having sex. - sleep, shit, and feel hot and cold. at middle levels of unquiet, from 4 to 6, the ghost can do any or all of these: - participate in conversations. - remain corporeal in low-pressure, day to day situations, like while pushing the button to call the elevator or watching tv. - walk through walls. - haunt people by making them see things out of the corners of their eyes and hear weird noises. - eat,drink, blink, and feelpain. at highlevels of unquiet, from 7 to 9, the ghost can do any or all of these: - remain invisible and intangeable for long periods, just watching and waiting. - manifest as a spectral figure, a chill wind, laughter, heavy footsteps, things like that. - manifest as it appeared when it died, a la sixth sense. - move things around without touching them. - give people bad luck. - attack people astrally, doing psychological damage instead of real damage. and at very high levels of unquiet, 10 plus, the ghost can do any or all of these: - make blood gush out of the water fixtures or pour in through the windows. - possess people. - manifest as a terrifying, horrific, monstrous thing, a la jacob’s ladder or the first half of the house on haunted hill remake (the movie was whatever, but gimme a right on for geoffrey rush).

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(shit man we were mean mean mean to the kittens in that game.) anyhow then kaylen catches up with putricene in time to see him applying the dare sticker. kaylen’s still covered in shit, so he starts putricene. they fight,his and Putricene gets the throwing worst of it it.atkaylen’s there smacking head into the refridgerator and i’m like, “did I mention that there’s a tropical-fish loving vampire who hates you asleep in the basement?” and they’re like, “yeah, and I’ll bet the sun just went down,” and I’m like, “yeah.” so I’m like, “okay, should this be a scary vampire or a like vampire: the sucking vampire? let’s vote.” scary wins, 4 to 2. putricene’s player and kaylen’s player were the 2 opposed.

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- do very bad things to people, like making them drop lit matches or sinking their rowboats or dragging them screami and bleeding into (and i mean into) the walls. - anything else scary and cool you can think of.

and here’s that chart i promised you, so you don’t have to think. roll a d6: i rolled the ghost will hang around until somebody a 1

convinces that help. it’s dead. showingit its own obituary it might

i rolled the ghost will hang around until some particular a 2 thinghappensto some particular person. like maybe the ghost wants revenge on its killer, and will hang around until its killer’s death.

i rolled the ghost will hang around until it gets to see a 3 or do something it was waiting for when it died. like yeah yeah i know you’ve heard it enough but like maybe its daughter’s sixth birthday party again. i rolled the ghost will hang around until it gets to a 4 interact with someone who it really wanted to see whenit died. like maybe its wifeor dogor whatever. i rolled the ghost will hang around until somebody a 5 finds or does some particular thing with some particular object, like the deed to its land or its gold locket or its bones.

i rolled the ghost will hang around until some particular a 6 situation is restored to how it was before the ghostdied. like maybeuntilits famiyfarm is restored to its family or ivy covers the old boathouse again.

while i’mthinking of it, gorent léolo. it’s afrenchcanadianflickon new linehome video. it doesn’thave

_________________________________ “so you’re there smacking his head into the fridge, right, and the front door, it’s been open, it swings - slowly slowly - shut. click.” kaylen’s player pantomimes holding putricene by the collar but not smacking looking else,” around he scared. “let’s, uh, takeanymore, this somewhere says. dude! i did two cheesy special effects, the closing door and someone unseen touching Kaylen’s face, and they were running around in circles squeaking and waving their arms! pissing themselves! all because the vote got them to buy into a “scary” vampire. that’s some cool shit that is. you can do that kind of thing too.

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anything to do with ghosts or killing puppies for satan or anything, but it’s a strange, beautiful, fucked up movie and if you’re like me you’ll realize you’ve been missing it all this time. anyway so fine, and at the higher levels of unquiet they can be kind of disruptive, but your pcs shouldn’t get all altruistic and shit just becausethey’reghosts. sure you could follow the ghost around and figure out its deal and reenact its daughter’s goddamn sixth birthday party or whatever, but why wouldyou? ghosts are just toomuch funto fuck with, and they can also make damn useful friends. for instance: my tortured soul wanders the earth looking for surcease in life my name was captain mike harvers in touch with the times 1 psychologically whole 2 tangible 5 recurrent 4 unquiet 5 my deal is that i’ll hang around until i get to eat some homemade strawberry ice cream. this many people know i’m a ghost: 2

hands down my favorite bit of world war ii trivia: bomber crews would take a canister of cream, sugar, sometimes fruit, sometimes chocolate or coffee, and bolt it to the outside of theirplane. this wouldexposethe creametc to a. the below freezing temperatures at their flight altitude and b. constantshakingso no grainyice crystalswould form.if the planelandedsafely,they’dcelebrate with c. freshice cream. no lie.

lovely

so thiscaptain mike harvers guy.he wasa tailgunner on a b24 in europe and the plane landed safely, but he didn’t get any ice cream. he’d personally takensubstantial flack. they rushed him from the plane to the field hospital and not long afterward he wentback tothe states.he livedin the va fora littlewhile andthen wenthome. he married his sweetheart and five months later climbed the big maple in his back yardwith adeer rifle.he shothis wifethree times as she came around the house with a watering can, shot at the neighbor’s dog and missed, and then blew his own brains out. the next owners cut the tree down and by whatever route it ended upthat thecity madepark benches out ofit. That’s where you can find captain mike harvers today, sitting on one of those benches downtown, tossing peanuts at the pigeons. sometimes he goes and stands in front of the ice cream cart, and reads and rereads the menu, looking for something he can’t remember and will never find.

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poor unhappyguy. don’tyou just want to hug him? here captainmike,i made thisjust for you! Strawberry ice cream, your favorite!

well,i didn’tmentionone very interesting fact. captain mike notices and remembers every single thing that happens anywherein that park. he’s like ten thousandcamcorders aimed atone ofthe places where shit goes down.if you’re a little lucky and you ask him the right question, well, i thinkyou can see the possibilities. drugs,sex, puppies, incriminating evidence, your enemieson a stick. ask captain mike. not soanxious to help himout now,are you? getting used to the ideaof himbeing there, aren’t you?told youso.

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a big hairy combat example (because god knows the main book didn’t have one)

scooter: you wanna piece of me! you wanna piece of me! come and get it, you shambling piece of rotting esh shit! i haul off and smack him one right in the nose. my mean roll totals to 6. jiggo: yeah, right. i let her. my single-minded roll is a 10. i don’t even stumble. when she gets close enough i grab her head. my want to eat your brains roll is an 8. want... to... eat... brains... scooter: aigh! get it off! i do a knee drop onto his foot. my mean roll is a 9! yes! jiggo: duh. i hold her up by her hair. announcer: that’s gotta hurt! scooter: doh! morton: hey! you can’t treat my friend that way! i vault into the ring. jiggo: whatever. i chew on scooter’s head. anng anng anng. scooter: no! get it off! get it off! announcer: is that blood? morton: i get jiggo in a headlock! my mean roll is a 7. jiggo: want... to... eat... brains... morton: i squeeze! come on, make your roll!

_________________________________ if you think for one second that i’m going to go through the dumb hassle of writing up a new combat example to exemplify the new rules, shit brother, you got another thing coming. oh for fuck’s sweet sake. okay, look. scooter: you wanna piece of me! you wannapiece ofme! come and get it, you shambling piece of rotting flesh shit! i’m’a haul off andsmack youone rightin the nose. jiggo: fine with me, i got single-minded out the butt. when you get closeenoughi’m’agrab yourhead. want... to... eat... brains... scooter rolls mean, for a total of 6; jiggo rolls want to eat your brains for a total of 8. jiggo: heh heh. scooter:aigh! get it off! my brains! i’m’ado a knee drop onto your foot to make you let go. jiggo: yeah right. i’m’a hold you upby yourhair and chew onyour head.i’m’a take the +2too keepwhat i just won. anng anng anng. announcer: that’s gotta hurt! morton:hey! you can’ttreatmy friendthat way! i’m’a vault into the ring. scooter rolls mean again for an 8 this time; jiggo rolls want to eat brains +2 for a 9; morton rolls mean for a

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jiggo: dude, i’m a zombie. i already don’t have any blood going to my brain. scooter: i use some evil! i use 2 evil! i blow my nose on him! it’s ame! bwah hah hah! announcer: can she do that? jiggo: um, hey! oh... no... not... re... i let go and try to beat it out with my hands. announcer: actually, all that methane you generate? it goes upon with a noise like: foomf. you scooter, fall down. you’re re. lose a single-minded. morton, make relentless rolls. scooter: got a 7. morton: owie! a 4! stop drop and roll! announcer: you’re down too, morton. you both lose a relentless. morton: smooth, scooter. scooter: well at least it wasn’t a head lock, morton. duh. jiggo: i’m kicking and thrashing. do i set anything else on re? can i make it to the ropes? pharus: my zombie! i jump into the ring. i bring my folding chair. morton, scooter: oh shit. morton: i cast a satanic spell! i cast the one where i summon a big-ass demon! you’re going down, wizard boy! announcer: morton? that spell takes an hour to cast, plus you’re on re.

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6. scooterand jiggowin, mortonloses,scootergoes first. jiggo (looking at scooter): we both win, we both lose...? we both ... lose. scooter:okay. so...? jiggo: so you don’t get away but you’re like thrashing around and i can’t get a good bite in. morton: but i’m in the ring? jiggo: yeah, i’m too busy trying to land my teeth to notice. scooter:whew. hey buddy! morton:the awesome. i’m’aget you in a headlock! jiggo:dude, i’ma zombie. i alreadydon’thave any blood going to my brain. morton:oh right. insteadi’ll ... grab a foldingchair! and clobber you withit! and i’lltake the+1 because i won my goal last roll. scooter:i spendevil! i spend2 evil! i blow my nose on you jiggo! it’s flame! bwah hah hah! announcer: your goal is to make him let go? scooter: yeah, that. announcer: cool. and also the dangeris that all that methane jiggo generates will go up with a noise like: foomf.

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morton: oh right. i guess i keep rolling around. announcer: good. pharus: i hit morton with my folding chair! remember that i enchanted it with st of the storm? announcer: oh, i remember. morton: noooo... scooter: oh no you don’t. i tackle him from behind. my mean roll is an 8! announcer: pharus, make an astute roll to notice the sneak attack! pharus: you mean insightful? announcer: whatever. pharus: i got a 6. scooter: ha ho! jiggo: hey, what about me? do i make it to the ropes? announcer: Scooter, you plow into pharus from behind! he goes sprawling -- lose a resolute, pharus -- and the folding chair of the storm’s fury ies up into the air! where’s that d4? it falls on ... morton! kazap kaboom! morton: urk! announcer: you know the deal, morton. two consecutive hit. pharus: plus the chair. announcer: plus the chair. morton: i rolled a 7, a 4, and a 3, but it doesn’t

_________________________________ jiggo: fuck. announcer: goal for jiggo, please? jiggo:oh right. um, eat...brains... i... guess... everybody rolls. scooterrollsmean for a 5; jiggo switches up and rolls single-minded for a 9 (nobody minds); morton rolls mean +1 for a 5; i roll dangerousness for an 8. announcer: does your goal opposethe danger,jiggo? i don’t believe it does! jiggo: you figured that out all by yourself? announcer: heh. jiggo:i eat scooter’s brains! i noticethat yousuck this time, scooter, what with that5 and all. how bout i get down to skull? scooter: this is butt ass. jiggo: haha. i choosefor youto falldown andlose a relentless.furthermore i keep you betweenme and morton’s chair. morton:i don’taccidentally hit you, do i, scooter?i’m like,sorrygirl! get out of the fuckin’way! scooter: you bastard fuck. announcer: but: foomf! i choose:you all falldown and lose a relentless.exceptyou, jiggo. you fall down and lose a single-minded. morton: the danger gets to choose a bennie?

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matter. i’m down to 0 relentless. i’m seein’ tweetie birds. announcer: so sad. pharus: victory is mine! announcer: not so fast. jiggo, you do manage to pull yourself up on the ropes. but just as you do, scooter’s ying tackle carries pharus practically right up your aming ass. you fall back down on top of him. scooter: eat hot aming undead, wizard! pharus: aiee! jiggo: owie. sorry... boss...

oh forfuck sake.i forgotthat iwanted tohave aghost in there, so that i could show you how cool it is when ghosts fail their recurrent roll and have to go back to some earl time andplace. the wizard was goingto castlike sword of the sun and the ghost was going to be four combat phase behind for the whole rest of the thing. well,whatever.you canimagineit perfectly well,and no way inhell ami goingback andrewriting it.what yousee is what you get. jiggo: hey vincent? are you sure that decomposing bodies produce methane? announcer: shut up, on re zombie boy.

_________________________________ announcer: yeah. morton: that’s not in the rules. announcer: it’s in the example. morton:but... dude that there’sprettyfuckin’selfreferential, is what that is. announcer: anybody have a goal? scooter: my goal is to roll a 10. jiggo: i’m on fire,so let’ssee. my goalis nowto eat morton’s brains. no i mean myaction isnow to eat morton’s brains, but my goal is to light the whole fuckin’ world on fire. scooter: my goal isto getthe hellout ofdodge. i’m’a do it by crawling and scrambling. jiggo (making menacing eye contact): my goal opposes yours. just in case you were wondering. morton: my goal is to knock you the hell down and stay down,jiggo. with my trustyfoldingchair. scooter rolls relentless for a 9, even withher -2. it’s not a 10 butshe gloats.jiggo rolls want toeat brains for a 6; morton rolls mean for a 7. scooter: oh yes. the timesthey area changin’ for you, on fire zombie boy. done! that’s good enough for satan, it’s damn skippy good enough for you. i’ve got work in the morning.

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wizardly shit sorcerers are such bastards, y’know? they can cast our spells,but we can’tcast theirs. they’rerich,suave, educated, and they take showers. they don’tneed tokill helpless animals to do magic and their magic isn’t mostly vermin-related. plus their spellbooks are engaging and well written and not full of the ravingsof some paranoidwhack-nut.jerks. they can bite me.

fine and worthy diversions for a winter’s evening like takethis bookfor example.it’s agrimoire by reynaud copersley, published in 1899 by upstatepress. it includes hilarious descriptions of fourteen victorian parlor games (including “piggy piggy,” where one person, blindfolded, sits on the lap of someone in the circle, who squeals like a pig, and the first person has to guess from the squealing who it is, and “in the well,” where there’s some stuff and then everybody makes out with everybody else); recipes for roast rabbits and game fowl; a delightful account of a year spent travelling to oregon and back, full of well-drawn characters and stirring events; and four sorcerous spells. - the company’s repast, 2 potency – a fabulous meal appears: quail stuffed with venison sausage, roast potatoes, egg and cheese pies, wild salad herbs, spiced lobster bisque, and roastnuts and relishes, servingfourteen.the foodis real, nourishing, and expertly prepared. - shadows of memory, 1 potency – as you tell a story, beautiful translucent phantasms appear in the air before you as illustrations. the spelldrawsthem from your memories, imaginations, and dreams. - the horseman’s ease, 1 potency – cast on a smooth stone and putthe stoneinto abath. whoever takes the bathis overcome with a warm, tingling, soothing relaxation, which eases sore muscles and heals small scrapes, scratches, and bruises. the sensation lastsuntilthe bath begins to cool, and leaves the subject invigorated, calm, and in good spirits. - the subtle tutor, 2 potency– caston a book. while you will it, until the book is done, a quiet voice whispers the words ofthe bookinto yourear. you candirect the voice to repeat itself, to skip ahead, to skip back, and to resume where it left off. as you can see, reynaud copersley was a right fucker and if he were around today he’d need his ass kicked.

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gifts of rock and fire

here’s another one. this onewas written by oneof those larger-than-life world-travelling adventurers of the twenties, woman a named adelaine north. at theend ofher adventuring career miss north was initiated into an order of mystics and magi in egypt, and she retired to the rivie to studyand write.gifts ofrock andfire isher memoir.

it’s moving and insightful and it contains three substanti sorcerous spells. - untying the knots of the wind, 3 potency – the local weatherchanges,precisely as you direct. you controlthe weather for a full day.

- jonah’scarriage, potency 4 –cast onthe ocean.a gigantic fish of white adamant, with diamond windows for eyes, rises from the depths and opens its mouth for you to board. it willtake youby seato anyport inthe world. it’s sumptuously provisioned for a journey of up to severa weeks.

- the moon inthe earth, 3 potency– caston a fire. when the fire goes out and the coals cool, each one will be a l of silver ore. can you believe that shit?

the undisclosed history of the dread covenant of hellfallow hall, a novel this book was published in 1943 and it’s one of those irritating books that pretends to be a novel when really

it’s a polemic. (so that’sgood. at leastone of these damn wizard’s grimoires is irritating, i’d be pissed with a capital pissed if none were.) the great wizardess isabel estafenwroteit, but before she was especially great. it contains three sorcerous spells.

- the divining glass, 2 potency – cast on a mirror, and na a personaloud. that person’s imageappearsin the mirror, as though someone were following her around with a camcord

- speaking silent words, 1 potency – write a sentence or t on a piece ofpaper. your target hears those words inher

head, recognizably in your voice. - eavesdropping on the past, 1 potency – name a time o’clo you hear in your head everything that anybody said, in you current place, at the time you named. whatever.that’snot so very cool. we can do that kind of shit.

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the wartime grimoire of stephen bullherald this one’scool though. stephenbullherald sent it with his sonto francein 1916. it’s written in a clear andnononsense style and contains four very practical, pretty easy spellsof the sort we’reparticularly jealousof. like check out the fourth one. - to stop bleeding, 1 potency – the wound doesn’t like close or seal or disappear or anything, but the blood clots rapidly and the bleeding stops. - to hit yourmark, 1potency –cast ona gun. next time you fire it, you will hit what you aimed at, all other considerations aside. the spellis nullified if somebody else fires the gun before you do. - to hide and remain hidden, 1 potency – stomp a bootprint into thedirt. As longas youcan seethe bootprint, even out of the corner of your eye, you are silent and invisible. - to stay safe in gunfire, 3 potency – until one hour passes, no bullet can harm you. how it is exactly that stephen bullherald’s son lost the book and didn’t come homefrom france alive, noone knows.but i hardly need to point out that it probably served him right, wizard’s brat.

making magic items the easiest type of magic item to make is called a suspended spell. what youdo is you takethe spelland theninstead of casting it, youattach itto somephysical object. the pairing of spell and object should make sense, since in order to release the suspended spell you have to do something appropriate to the object. a good exampleis pharus’ folding chair from the bighairy combat thing. he suspended fist of the storm in a folding chair, and when he hit somebody with it, the spell went off. you decide yourself, when you suspend the spell, if only you can release it, or if anyone who does the right thing can. suspending a spell costs one extra point of potency and takes only a few minutes. next is potions, powders, salves, unguents, ointments, tinctures, blah blah blah.there, you take thespell andyou investsome stuffwith it. herbalpastesand concoctions are traditional but anythinggoes. greasepaint is more and more popular. anyway,choosea spellthat makessense forit, but thinkflexible.investthe diviningglassinto grated nutmeg and sprinkle it on the mirror, invest gunpowder with to hityour markand loadbullets with it. anybody can use a potion,if theyknow to. consider labelling it so that somebodydoesn’tsprinkleit in theireggnog. makingpotions

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costs an extra point of potency per dose, and takes at lea an hour per dose too.

and then the big stuff,actualenchanted objects. that’s like if the folding chair of the storm’s fury had unlimite charges, or like themirror were always adivining glass. it should always take at least three or four times the potenc to enchant an object, plus require months or years, plus i shoulddependon the correctcelestial circumstances. other than that, go hog wild. hog wild soundslike:squee! squee!

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revenge of the killer puppies sooner orlater youknow it’sgoing tocome tothis. it’s just tooperfect. i don’tsee howyou canavoid it. - instead of cold, werewolves are assimilated into human society; instead of fucked up, they’re sly; instead of mean, they’re ferocious; and instead of relentless, they’re dogged (ha ha). - they have different ferocious and dogged (ha ha) scores in human form than they do in wolf form, and in wolf form they range from 6 to 10, likedemons, so that’s serious. oh, but they can’t make assimilated into human society rolls at all when they’re wolves of course. - what is it that hurtswerewolves?silverbullets, right? garlicdoesn’t? yeah,that’sit. silverbullets. i have no earthly idea where somebody would get a silver bullet. if your pcs claim to have some, ask them where the fuck they got them and don’t let up until they admit that yeah, yeah, you’re right, they couldn’t possibly actually have any, no they were just trying to get away with it. - if you feel like it, you can give individual werewolves uniqueweaknesses or spiffsof theirown. the moodier and fuckedupperthe better,naturally.i’m thinking of one who keeps her heart in a jackal-headed funary jar in her office, that sort of thing. - anyway, meanwhile, until you get your hands on some silver bullets or the heart in the jar or what have you, whenever werewolves change form, they immediately heal any injuries they might have, plus they’re unkillable. - werewolves can change form pretty much whenever you want them to,usually a.when they’re in deepshit andthe other form will be better handle it, and they’re wicked hungry andable the to other form willb. bewhen better able to stalk,catch,and eat it. changingis instinctive, totally out of their personal conscious control, but it happens when it’s called for. - werewolves are not happy. they aren’tecowarriors or anythingelse spiritually fulfilling.they go flipshit under the full moon and eat their friends, and they know that nobody will ever love them, really love them for what’s inside. as a resultthey’rebitter,lonely,vindictive, and full of hate. - here’s a character sheet for a random werewolf. i walk on silent paws under the moon my name is deborah tyrone assimilated into human society 1 sly 3 ferocious 3/8 dogged (ha ha) 2/7 i must pass my curse on to another before i may be free. (hey, now there’s something fun you could do to a pc...)

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now this is key. do not fuck aroundwith werewolves.make them mean,vicious,terrible, and shocking.they are humanity’s inhumanity incarnate, they are the ripper and t hunterand jeffreyoscar-meyer-balogna-song dahmer. they will fucking kill you and fucking eat you, i kid you not. there’sno excusefor lamewerewolves.don’tmake me come over there.

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scenario: hey, i found this, you wannit? so poor pathetic gerald stebbins has been doing the ghoul on the street thing. which issad, buthell, there’s only so much you can take of him sleeping curled up on your loveseat with his skinny-ass ankles sticking out of the ratty afghan he uses for a blanket and him getting up at all hours and checking on the mousetraps again, slobbering like maybe they’ve killed another snack for him since he checked ten minutes ago, and would he please just go back the fuck to sleep, it’s seven in the morning for crying out christ, not that (he says) eating former rodents is at all even the real thing, and you oughta try it sometime, it tastes goo-ood and it’s more fun than bad crack cut 50-50 with soap flakes. he says he’ll make it up to you, please don’t put him out on the street, but he always says that and instead he just eats your corn flakes and leaves gray infected toenail clippings in your bathroom sink. so whoda thunk when the feeble bastard shows up three weeks later with the no shit choirboys’ ring?

briefly, the choirboys’ ring the choirboys’ ring is an ugly like high school class ring style ring, gold tone, with a big glass stone that’s not quite theright color of red. instead of greek letters or a motto or whatever, the design has the word choirboys around the band. to lookat it,it’s quite obviously worth shit for money. it’s a demonicdevice,though,steeped in satanic humoursand imbuedwith theirsinistersympathies.when you wear it, what you do is touch somebody else’s skin with it (shaking hands is perfect) and lean close to them and whisper a short,simple,you-directed commandin theirear. vote for me, sleep with me, forget you saw me here, take a bullet for me, give me your wallet, that kind of thing. they don’t do it right away, as though mesmerized – no, it sinks into their brain and they never think of it again, untilan opportunity presentsitself. when it does,bang! they do it. (if you feel like it, you can have them roll relentless or whatever to resist, or fucked up or whatever to notice that they’rewaitingfor it, or whatever.it’s your clambake.)

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you bet your ass i wannit. question is... who else does?

pilchard jeffers’ widow, estranged i am a master of forces occult and obscure my name is erneztina jeffers, although i usually use my maiden name, andrzaj. learned 4 insightful 5 erce 3 resolute 3 potency 8 my familiar is a big ol’ spirit-raven named war.

ms andrzaj split with her husband ten years ago or so, and took let’s say 40% of their little magical order with her. she may have cursed him to death, and she knows to the one what sorcerous and satanic artifacts he owned.

pilchard jeffers’ former pupil i am a master of forces occult and obscure my name is paul markson learned 3 insightful 5 erce 2 resolute 5 potency 3 i get 1 potency every time i have sex.

naturally, mr markson feels that he should inherit his mentor’sbooksand paraphanelia. he may have murdered pilchard for precisely that reason, or because pilchard wa an old prude and didn’t like the way his rising star was carryingon. either way he too knowsexactlywhat pilchard owned. it might be fun and twisted to play erneztina and paul as secret ex-lovers from before the split, or even current lovers,possiblyconspiring.but enemiesis fun too. the choices, man, the choices!

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pilchard jeffers’ older son, a big disappointment i don’t kill puppies for satan, but sometimes i audit people my name is pilchard jeffers jr, but people call me jeff cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 1 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just the shark in a suit who wants to take their house away: 6

jeffers jr doesn’t have any idea what stuff his father owned, but better, he hasa list. odds aregood thathe wantshis estranged mother to get none of it, but on the other hand they’dmake excellent alliestoo. he may have murdered his father in a fit of penis envy or whatever freudian thing.

the munson county scorched earth party i am a master of forces occult and obscure my name is matilda jeffers, but i prefer to be called matt learned 2 insightful 3 erce 4 resolute 2 potency 2 i get 3 potency every time i personally affect the outcome of a political election.

revenge is a dish best served right the fuck now my name is j. “hiroshima” bird thorough 5 survivor 2 vengeful 3 driven 3 i have a fucking arsenal full of a fraction of a gram of weaponized smallpox.

i serve the cold blind nameless god of science my name is kev barret cutting edge 5 mad 4 curious 2 objective 2 publishable material 4 i’m researching the effect of internetdelivered subliminal messages on borderline personalities.

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i don’t kill puppies for satan but sometimes i stomp on people’s heads my name is [email protected], i’m whacked cold 1 fucked up 1 mean 2 relentless 1 evil 0 this many people have ever noticed me as a human being, not just another frowny emoticon on the chatboard: 1 kev, to whom i am fanatically devoted (which i don’t nd odd) can use a point of publishable material to give me +1 mean for an hour or so.

matt jeffers knew at least about the ring, and probably mo of therest ofher father’s stuff too.she mayhave murdered him to get his power and because she hated him for his radical(by comparison) just-right-of-center politics.oh

and no matter how they pester her, she won’t sleep with an of the rest of her political party.

a small assignment of credit

if it weren’t for mr. ron “sorcerer” edwards, none of the above people would have been related to / fucking each oth

okay but the real question is...

who even gives a hairy white rat’s ass who killed the old fucker? not me. don’teven use this as an excuseto play out some dumb agathachristiemurdermysterylameness.“ah, but what you didn’t realize, jiggo old fellow, you nor the constablery neither, is that miss matilda jeffers is secre (dum-dum-tum) the butler!” no.

the point is, your pcs have the ring, they love it, it’s f to play with in the bathtub, but all these other extremely random weirdos keep showing up and trying to take it away from them.

i can’t believe you were even considering the murder myste thing. weak.

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oh, and the bad news, before i forget rememberhow the choirboys’ ring is a demonicartifact? the bad news is that demons have, you know, plans for that kind of thing. particularly, they give them to otherwise good upstanding moralkind boringpeople,to – ready? – tempt them to sin. i’ll have the let of soul, rare if you please my name is kektak, junior arbiter of leeches and maggots cold 3 fucked up 3 mean 5 relentless 2 evil plenty i’ve tempted this many people to sin and thus condemned them to eternal torment: 2,464 i’m in charge of the choirboys’ ring.

kektak doesn’t want your pcs if to they keepcommit the ring, because they’realready condemned, right? sins with it, sowhat? he doesn’t get anycredit a-tall for tempting them. but, and this might be good for a giggle, if your pcs give it to somebody, or maybe even if somebody manages to get it from them by cunning or stealth, then they’ve tempted that person to sin. and have i made it perfectly clear yet what demons like to do to pcs who scab on them?

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appendix a: who hates ya, baby? you’ll notice that there’s never any mention in the rules how toget newpeople tohate you. that’s because: use your imagination god damn yez. mechanics wouldtotallymiss the point. totallymiss it. that said, i’d think that the last thing you’d want to do add yourfriends to the stat. i mean,fuck man,they’re your friends. what else you got goingfor you?

appendix b: but you can’t

you can screw your friends, and you can screw the pooch...

appendix c: killing vampires is easy

...ifa. you’rein the know and b. you’reforewarned and well equipped and c. you havethe wherewithal to holda supernaturally powerful uber-predator who personally survi the civil war, the burning times, the age of enlightenment the third reich, the great depression, the renaissance, the reformation, and the for fuck sake spanish inquisition too, and who during that time killed people numbering in the mid five digits, I mean all alone, no death squads or crematoriums, with bare hands and fangs, can you imagine the cunning and energy and ferocity, and you’d only make i a very slightly larger five digit number, my mind boggles, it makespol potlook likemr forfuck sakefred h. rogers

– anyway but hold that voracious fucker bastard down until sunrise. i’d run.

appendix d: what

would

jesus do?

hang there whimpering and eventually die.

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