MAGNETIC: How to Impress, Connect, and Influence (Social Skills, People Skills, Small Talk, and Communication Skills Mastery) By Patrick King Social Interaction and Conversation Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com
As a FREE show of appreciation to my readers, I’ve put together The Flawless Interaction Checklist. It describes in-depth the 7 essential components to exceptional interactions and conversations, from strangers to relationships and everything in-between. Including how to: make people comfortable, connect easily, develop killer eye contact, prepare for any social situation,
look like a mind reader, and never run out of things to say.
Click over to download your FREE copy now!
MAGNETIC: How to Impress, Connect, and Influence (Social Skills, People Skills, Small Talk, and Communication Skills Mastery) Introduction Principle 1: Appeal to people’s perceived selves. Principle 2: Callback to conversational high points. Principle 3: Utilize the touch effect. Principle 4: Sometimes the best question is silence. Principle 5: The Power of “Why.” Principle 6: Filler phrases feel like chemistry. Principle 7: You don’t have to be an extrovert. Principle 8: The anti-Judge Judy. Principle 9: How to be the great storyteller. Principle 10: No pedants allowed. Principle 11: Don’t debate tastes and opinions. Principle 12: But really, curiosity trumps all. Principle 13: Help ‘em chase that feeling. Principle 14: What does your face say? Principle 15: When are you the general or soldier? Principle 16: Compliment and express freely. Principle 17: Never just “No.” Principle 18: Calibrate towards a role model. Principle 19: Social cues for social success. Principle 20: Find your image. Conclusion Cheat Sheet
Introduction What is it about some people? They might be in the center of the room or firmly rooted against the wall, but it’s undeniable that there is something about them that draws you to them… something magnetic about them. It’s almost never quantifiable, but let’s examine exactly how it manifests in real life. I had a client named Ronald and he managed a brick and mortar store with 25 employees. Unbeknownst to him, he was not a universally loved supervisor. He wasn’t exactly disliked, but his employees constantly mocked the way he was 100% business 100% of the time, with no pretense for niceties or small talk. It was common for Ronald to not be aware if his employees were married, had children, or where they even lived. People avoided him for the most part, and were pleased that he was a generally hands-off manager. He was also notoriously difficult to discuss work-related problems with because his solution to everything was to just “make it work.” Ronald truly earned the nickname his employees bestowed upon him for his skills of avoidance, “el matador.” Upon starting to work with Ronald, these issues slowly painted a picture of a man who simply did not care to engage with others, seeing such interaction as unnecessary and extraneous in the name of efficiency. There was nothing malicious about it, as Ronald was an extremely kind if frustrated individual. He simply couldn’t see the forest through the trees – the benefits that magnetism and charisma would bring to his workplace and life otherwise. The changes were swift and startling for him. We armed him with a slew of actionable, technical interpersonal and charisma skills, many of which are outlined
inside. More importantly, and what Ronald himself deemed the turning point – we armed him with a fresh mindset of curiosity, caring, and positivity. It’s a change that resonates an entire person, and transforms the tone of any interaction from “Hi” to “Bye.” He made an effort to get to know each of his employees, their families, pets, education, upbringing… favorite foods, what they did on their weekends, how happy they were… the list goes on. Ronald was kinder and more sympathetic to their struggles, both because that was a conscious decision for his new mindset, and because that’s what happens when you get to know people on an intimate level as he did. Finally, learned how to properly address conflicts by getting to the root of the issue quickly. He was rewarded in exponential spades. Ronald reported that the employees turned in better quality of work, they showed more initiative, and the entire team could actually be described as cohesive. Most importantly, he was seeing more profits from his store, as his newfound attitude was trickling down and being reflected on a daily basis by his employees. Quite a departure from Machiavelli, but arguably just as effective. Gaining the skills of magnetism, how to impress, connect, and ultimately influence others, is paramount to success in life. Technical skills can be drilled and actually come more easily to most, but picking up on the fine points of human interaction and making yourself damn likable… we’re never taught these things explicitly. Accordingly, the lack of this ability is what holds most people back from where they really want to be, career and relationship wise. Your bosses and supervisors aren’t always the most skilled at their job… in fact that is rarely the reason they have been promoted above you. Those that win at office politics definitely aren’t the top performers. The people that you give the most breaks to haven’t earned them by dragging you out of a burning house… you probably just like them more. The friends that always brag about being able to talk their way out of trouble? It’s not because they can manipulate minds. My point is that no matter the profession or relationship, people skills and magnetism are as or more important than the actual skills involved. Take me for
example. As a dating and social skills coach, you might assume that my career and livelihood depends exactly on how magnetic and good at instantly connecting with others I am. Well, you’d be 100% correct, so I am living proof that these skills are literally make or break, rich or poor, life or death impactful. MAGNETIC: Impress, Connect, and Influence is born out of years of coaching social and dating skills and observing human interaction. I’ve boiled down the essential aspects of magnetism and charisma into the 20 following principles – if some of them sound clinical, it’s no mistake. At some level, interaction is a science, where every action simply begets a reaction. That’s what years of analyzing conversation and interaction will do for you. So contrary to one of first statements I made in this introduction, I have absolutely quantified what makes someone magnetic. This book isn’t just a collection of generic tips you can find anywhere. You’ll learn the exact mindset that Ronald rode to success. Your magnetism and charisma will be undeniable. You will learn to harness your newfound skills to ascend in your career and relationships. You might even find that special someone. Literally everything that you desire in life can be gained through a thorough understanding of magnetism and charisma. It ensures that no doors are ever shut to you, whether you fit the bill or not. Magnetism is the lubricant, step ladder, and crowbar that will give you access to anywhere in the world if you (1) learn it zealously, and (2) use it wisely. A final note – learning by reading is the first step, but learning without doing puts you right back where you started. Refer to this book early and often, and I expect that your real world experiences will merge with what you’ve read to elucidate my principles even further. To your success!
Principle 1: Appeal to people’s perceived selves. Everyone has an image of themselves they like to project in their head, regardless of how accurate it may be. And still regardless of the accuracy thereof, they like having that self-perception confirmed and strengthened as much as possible. It’s actually quite an important part of our identities, and is the necessary and healthy type of defense mechanism. We would probably fall apart if we couldn’t have a strong, and mostly positive mental image of our perceived self. And as we know from people that have wildly skewed self-perceptions, accuracy is beside the point. For a simple example, say you identify strongly with fitness and being in great shape. You’re definitely going to enjoy when people bring up that your biceps look more rippling than usual, or the fact that you fill out your jeans quite nicely. You enjoy when people appeal to how you perceive yourself regarding fitness. If you appeal to the traits and ideals that people have assigned to themselves, you will be able to crack even the toughest nut… because no one can resist having their ego stroked in a way that feels so very personal and to our cores. It’s similar to the feeling we get when we change something subtle about our appearance that we’re unsure of… and someone compliments you on it! It’s a gratifying affirmation that what you’ve done is positive and correct. You’ll notice three phenomena when you appeal to people’s perceived selves. First, you will instantly be regarded in a new light by the other party. You’ll be branded as extremely observant and intuitive… and become someone that the other person values highly, because they will consider you to have seen their true self. This is the very reason that we get titillated by fortune tellers and horoscopes –
despite the dubious truth and accuracy, we can’t help but feel that someone has looked at us and seen us for who we really are. Second, they’ll open up to you like you never thought they would because everyone likes talking about themselves (and doubly so for bragging), and you’ve just opened the floodgates for them to do so tastefully by initiating the topic of their selfperception. Finally, you’ll be able to elicit action from them in ways that reinforce that perceived self. For example, take our fitness friend from before. He imagines himself to be a fitness expert, and would relish the opportunity to share his knowledge about fitness and show it off… right into helping you in the gym, helping you move (because he’s so fit and strong), or anything else that would show off his physical prowess. The more difficult part is finding out what people’s perceived self is… but even then it’s just a matter of looking at (1) how people spend their time, (2) reading into what they enjoy talking about, or (3) identifying what they are good at and probably pride themselves on. It’s usually not that obscured. By the same token, if you insult them on what they pride themselves on, it will be a big blow to them as it is an integral part of their identity… and people zealously guard their self-perceptions. If you called your fitness freak friend out of shape and questioned whether he even knew what a gym was? Fury. People enjoy being around people who will confirm their self-perceptions and make them feel good about themselves. Be that person in a non-manipulative way by simply embodying a curious mindset about what you see as traits that they like about themselves. If you can avoid blatant flattery and elicit from them, you become that much more magnetic starting one person at a time. People will be drawn to you in conversation without even realizing why, and that’s one of the cornerstones of this book. The Magnetic Impression: She really understands who I am as a person! We must be destined to be great friends if we can connect so easily and quickly.
Principle 2: Callback to conversational high points. Let’s begin this principle with a quick example. You’re speaking with an acquaintance about dogs, and she makes a hilarious joke that she reminds herself of a poodle. You laugh, you love, you keep conversing, and the world keeps revolving. At a later point in the conversation, she mentions something about her love of chocolate… to which you reply that it’s not going to happen if she’s like a poodle, because dogs are of course incapable of processing chocolate. Her face fairly lights up. What exactly am I getting at here? This is a principle that is highly contextual, and may not seem like much of an impact outside of the “you just had to be there to hear it” sphere. But let me tell you exactly the impression you’ll make when you can make such a connection to a prior conversational high point. It automatically gives the impression that you are witty and clever, because those are the exact types of observational humor that stand-up comedians regularly use. It makes it appear that you have been listening extremely intently to your conversation partner the entire time. You impart that you have paid special attention to them in particular and have thought about them beyond a surface level, which is flattering and empowering. People tend to like people that like them, and vice versa. Finally, you create a moment of humor that will basically be like an inside joke between the two of you, drawing you closer instantly. Inside jokes probably deserve
a principle on their own at some point, but they are extremely powerful because it’s a bond you share with them that not even their significant other can get in on. All this from just a simple callback to a joke, reference, or personal point? Absolutely. It’s this attention to detail that begins to draw people to you when what you represent is a series of good feelings, and ways to make others feel good about themselves. It’s not so much of a slippery slope as you building up your capital and reputation as a magnetic person, which has literally no negatives. So during the course of a conversation, take mental note to catalog at least a couple of conversational high points that you can callback to later. Attempt to focus on the emotional spikes that the high point creates, and not whether it’s a joke or a personal disclosure. What got the biggest laughs, reactions, groans, or grimaces? These will be easier to remember, and more striking when you callback to them later. The Magnetic Impression: This person is witty and clearly has an interest in me because he remembered what I said earlier! Hilarious as well.
Principle 3: Utilize the touch effect. In a way, we’re all just like horses. We both like to run free, wear shoes, and we both have times where we would enjoy just strapping a bag of food to our mouths. More importantly, when a horse is frightened or anxious, one of the best ways to calm him down and make him comfortable is to calmly stroke and touch him. I’m not going to suggest that you stroke everyone in your immediate vicinity to gain rapport and comfort with them… you might just do the opposite and make your inaugural visit to the police questioning room. But this principle explains the power of touch, and how it affects others and makes them feel around you when used correctly and wisely. The power of touch is predicated on the biology of love and what happens when we get skin to skin contact with others. When you so much as brush fingertips with someone else, a host of hormones are either released or created, most notably oxytocin. This is otherwise known as the “cuddle hormone” and literally increases the feelings of affection and attachment to someone else. Mothers and their newborns produce it in mutual spades – that might be all you need to know about it. So touching people, being a touchy person, and closing the physical gap will literally bond you to someone chemically. That’s a powerful realization when you have the goal of making an impression on others and attracting others to you. Beyond the physical component, there is undoubtedly a mental and perception component. Acquaintances that just met might not touch, but good friends have no issues touching each other. This is the territory and perception you place yourself in.
People that are confident in themselves and how they come off to others have no issues with touch or breaking the physical barrier. You will cultivate this image. People in authority positions have no issues touching, and often use it to make or emphasize a point. You become this. Finally, you disarm people that might otherwise be cold or standoffish and accelerate your levels of rapport. Touch helps you cultivate an overall image that you are warm, charming, friendly, and extremely open to people… which is a big part of our goals in this book. Imagine how comforted and even intrigued you felt the last time someone used touch smartly on you. Used correctly, you even possess the ability to gently and gracefully dissolve conflicts and arguments. Take advantage of the comfort and familiarity that touch provides most people, and use it to make a powerful impression. For all the talk about touch, it’s time to implement some actionable steps and ways to utilize touch smartly, and straddle that thin line between building comfort and invading someone’s personal space. The gestures you should learn to know and love: placing your hand on top of their shoulder, touching the outside of their arm, high-fiving, fist-bumping, putting your arm around their shoulders, nudging them with the outside of your forearm. Yes, these small gestures can make all the difference. The reason I list these in particular is because they are neutral and harmless enough to use on either gender without giving anyone the wrong idea. Nothing is overly-aggressive. Some additional guidelines: keep the touch light and short and do not linger, learn to read when you can use each gesture, capitalize on conversational high points with touch, commit to a touch because doing it halfway will be awkward and questionable, consider their openness before touching, beware of overtouching, and take notice how they react to your touch. I realize that utilizing touch is something that many people are uncomfortable with at first, but it’s important to realize that the source of the discomfort is the fear of overextending oneself and intruding on someone’s personal space. You just have to make the leap to embody the mindset of a social wizard who merely touches to
make a point until it becomes second nature. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with touch, and you would be surprised at how many people will reciprocate and amplify the touch you give them… but you’ll never know unless you try it! Break out of your shell and take a leap, because that’s what this book is about! If you wanted to improve yet stay completely within your comfort zone, I’ve got a rude awakening for you! The Magnetic Impression: Touching my shoulder and arm immediately built our rapport and made me feel like I was talking to an old friend!
Principle 4: Sometimes the best question is silence. Not everyone is a chatterbox, and thank heaven for that. If the world didn’t possess listeners, thinkers, and head-nodders, everyone would be competing for airspace and just be waiting for their turn to speak. Luckily, being a chatterbox is far from a requirement of being magnetic. In fact, many times, strategic silence and well-placed pauses can help you break people open like you never thought possible. First, utilizing silence creates a host of positive perceptions about you as a person. It signals a confidence that you aren’t scrambling to fill every silence, awkward or not. Most people want to fill any conversational silence with an “ummm” or other filler word because of their inherent lack of comfort with it, and the fear of being judged as a boring and uninteresting person. You will break the mold by appearing comfortable with the silence and take away the pressure to keep constant banter… which is a much more natural way of conversing with people. The more comfortable you appear with something, the more comfortable you allow the other person to feel about it, and in the end a well-placed silence will create a perception about you that they have known you a long time and can talk to you about anything. (The converse, of course, being a mutual discomfort that is amplified by each other.) You have also created a safe space without judgment, which in turn alleviates the pressure for nonstop banter and lets you converse in a real, natural manner. In a sense, you have skipped a few rungs on the relationship ladder, because only good friends typically have comfortable silence. Think along the lines of couples who
have been together for years. They don't need to verbalize and fill every moment with sound. They take moments to breathe and pause in the conversation and end up having a strong connection because of it. Second, beyond the perception that a comfortable, well-placed silence creates for you, it takes a conversation into a beneficial direction. Well-placed silence is a negative space in a conversation that acts like a black hole, which sucks the other person into it. Though comfortable, it almost creates an expectation that the other person continue to speak, so you are able to learn more about them without even asking. If you embrace comfortable silence and resist the urge to fill all silences for fear of ‘being awkward,’ you will come across comfortable and familiar. They will fill the space with a clarification of what they said earlier, more detail, a continuation of the story, or a justification for what they said or did earlier. You might crack a tough nut who keeps giving you close-ended answers. There are countless other paths your partner can take, but the end result is information that you would not have gotten otherwise, unless you had asked some very specific, pointed questions. Vulnerabilities and personal sharing ahead! The key here is the react in a way that is extremely non-judgmental to create a safe space for them to keep sharing about themselves and open up to you. Demonstrate amazing curiosity and a poker face to cultivate that space. Additionally, a pause can give your partner time to think about what he or she wants to say next. Sometimes, a conversation gets a bit off track, people forget what they wanted to say or a person just doesn't know what to say, and pausing for a moment has the ability to alleviate this. A well-placed pause allows for the other person to switch the conversation to a different subject if they're bored or uncomfortable with the current topic. This can be a way to avoid arguments as well since you'll be giving the other person a moment to think, calm down and not say the first thing that comes to his or her mind. The Magnetic Impression: He was just like an old friend with how relaxed and comfortable our dialogue was! Did I really only meet him today?
Principle 5: The Power of “Why.” For those of you that are parents, or have been around nieces and nephews, this principle will be eminently familiar to you. Just imagine that innocent child cocking their head to the side and continually asking “Why?” Chances are, that child has probably caused you to think about something in depth and admit out loud “Well, that’s sure a good question. Let me think about that and get back to you!” Such is the power of “why.” Instead of asking why the sun is yellow or why the sky is blue as a child would, imagine that you pry deep into topics and people’s motivations similarly, and force them to really introspect and give intimate and personal answers that they haven’t given that much thought to. The lesson here is twofold. First, when you jump around from topic to topic, it signals that you are only interested in them in a shallow manner, and don’t connect in a deep ways. It also signals that you are probably grasping for that one commonality that you share, such as that one friend that you both know from college. That’s no way to have a conversation, and often results in an interview-like exchange that is both clinical and boring. Rarely are true connections ever made on such surface topics, and if you’ve been to any networking event… you know that it’s a chore having the same conversation over and over again. It’s a topic for another chapter to deep dive into specific
topics… but this principle is about how asking “why” accomplishes that. Second, simply embracing the power of “why” and embodying a curious mindset will allow you to delve deep into someone’s motivations, intentions, thoughts… background, hopes, fears, dreams, you name it. It’s an extremely simple premise, but the beauty is that it’s an approach that few people take, and it will be novel to your partner. You position yourself as an inquisitive and thoughtful individual that is interested in getting to know someone on a deep level, which they will likely be happy to entertain. Fact is that we like people that like us and are interested in us, so we feed that feeling whenever possible. There’s more human psychology at work here. When you open up to someone and make yourself vulnerable as a result of answering intimate questions about yourself, you tend to feel invested in that person. It’s as if they hold a small part of you now, so you should take a special interest in them and treat them in a slightly higher regard than before. Even more – besides feeling invested, they will simply feel closer to you as a person and a friend because who, if not a good friend, do you reveal personal details to? It’s the classic action and subsequent mis-attribution of reason… and this time you can harness it to your advantage. Finally, a bit of ego. People tend to enjoy really explaining their train of thought into their actions. This is partially because we like others to recognize and validate our thought patterns as intelligent… and partially because people just like talking about themselves. This principle is a long way of recommending that you act like the next child you see – act inquisitive almost to the point of being invasive, and people will reveal themselves to you in an intimate fashion. The Magnetic Impression: Did I really just tell that woman about what I hope to be doing in the next 10 years and my hopes and dreams surrounding it? What an interesting and deep conversation!
Principle 6: Filler phrases feel like chemistry. Most people have a certain conception of conversational chemistry and what they think an amazingly smooth and flowing conversation looks like. It’s a mostly universal conception, and is probably brought on by what people see in popular media as applied to romance. I’ll tell you exactly how to emulate it in this principle, though keep in mind that preconceived notions aren’t always ideal. People’s conception of a flowing conversation, one they will characterize as amazing and effortless… is one that has zero silences, lulls, and stops. There’s a nonstop back and forth banter, and it plays more like a Gilmore Girls episode than anything else. It’s been proven time and time again that this is what the majority of people define as actually connecting with someone and feeling comfortable with someone. There’s a certain comfort when there are no required pauses for thinking or fidgeting while avoiding eye contact. It’s a bit of a superficial conception, because all this actually accomplishes is keeping a steady stream of noise and verbiage in the air. It says nothing about the substance, and simply capitalizes on a feeling of continual chatter. It’s not to say that this perception is wrong, but I for one believe that it simply speaks to how much people dislike silences and lulls in conversation, going so far as to characterize their presence as a bad conversation despite a host of other positive factors. The lesson here then is to develop a set of go-to filler phrases so as to avoid such silences and lulls, and maintain that feeling of continual chatter and exchange. As the title says, filler phrases create that feeling of chemistry and banter without breaks that we so crave without even realizing it.
Filler phrases also give you the leeway to think about your next great conversation topic, or where you want the talk to go while avoiding an empty silence or lull. As such, you can use it as a crutch if you need a second to consider things. Your filler phrases must be versatile enough to apply to the majority of conversations, but not so dumbed down that you sound like a brainless parrot – these are in the delivery. They will vary from person to person on what is comfortable for them but here are my top 2: 1. Oh, that’s interesting… 2. That is hilarious… Pretty non-mind-blowing. Keep it simple, stupid. This principle is a bit more about the psychology of what people like in a conversation, so it’s an important realization that you can tailor your habits to that. P.S. Filler phrases can also be filler gestures or filler acts, all in the name of preserving the flow of a conversation. For example, a well-timed cough, adjustment of your glasses, or swig of your beer – they can all function in the same way to preserve flow. The Magnetic Impression: What an amazing conversation we had, there were no silences at all and we just vibed off each other so well!
Principle 7: You don’t have to be an extrovert. At first glance, the words extrovert and magnetic seem to be inexorably linked. Extroverts love to be surrounded by others as often as possible, and might even be afraid to be alone. They thrive on social interactions with family, friends or complete strangers and would rather go out than stay in the vast majority of the time. This drive makes it easy and natural for them to form connections with a variety of people, and no matter what they do or where they go, they’ll be able to do so. They don’t need alone time, and gain strength and energy from being in the presence of others. They’re often thought of as friendly and outgoing and draw a crowd around them easily. At a party or other social activity, these are the people that are always in the center of the large group, telling stories about their latest adventures. They are very good at small talk, which draws people in and keeps the conversation going. They are the “life of the party”. But upon further thought, we realize that this implies that only extroverts are capable of connecting with people in an easy fashion, and that is clearly a false proposition. Introverts can absolutely walk into a room and own it immediately, but it’s also a matter of harnessing their strengths and making the most of it… because there are definitely things that extroverts and introverts can do that the other can’t. But make no mistake, both are capable of magnetism – it’s just a different path for each and neither is more correct or wrong than the other ’s. Introverts thrive on quiet, alone time where they can recharge and prefer small groups to large ones. That's not to say they don't enjoy the company of others or that they can't be social. They, like their extroverted counterparts, do develop strong
friendships, but with fewer people overall. They're apt to listen to others more and are less likely to share their feelings until they've had the chance to thoroughly think things through. They might not do as well with small talk, but are very good at long, deep, meaningful conversations. They don’t enjoy forced social interaction, but when given the choice, they can do some damage! It’s more of a select, deep approach than an extrovert might apply. In Western culture, we imply value to people with extroverted personalities. We see them as being more friendly, outgoing, open and honest. The ability to speak your mind, put yourself out there and to not worry about what others think is admirable. Introverts can be thought of as holding back, unfriendly, secretive and shy. We're more likely to see them as being aloof, uncaring and even a little bit odd, none of which are considered admirable traits. Eastern cultures, on the other hand tend to encourage introversion and think of it as an honorable way to present oneself. Being contemplative, quiet and serene shows inner strength rather than being thought of as a weakness. Extroverts, on the other hand are thought of as boisterous, loud and even obnoxious. It's not encouraged, by any means, and is actually frowned upon in many situations. Quite a mismatch, and valuable perspective for those bemoaning the fact that they identify with one category or the other! Both extroverts and introverts have the ability to socialize and to develop meaningful relationships with the people around them. How they go about it can be dramatically different. Extroverts are less worried about what people think and just let themselves go while introverts worry about the consequences of their behaviors. There is no evidence that either side is happier, forms better bonds or does better in social situations, it's just different. The Magnetic Impression: He calls himself an introvert? I wouldn’t have ever guessed…
Principle 8: The anti-Judge Judy. Judge Judy is one mean, grizzled lady. For those not in the know, Judge Judy is both the name of a reality court television show and the name of the main character, a cantankerous and grumpy old woman who has questionable status as an actual civil judge. She is constantly shown shutting down the litigants in a harsh yet humorous way, calling them out on all of their inconsistencies and reducing them to stuttering piles of mush. Some might argue that this is an efficient way of settling disputes and mediating conflicts… and I don’t disagree with that. But it certainly won’t win you friends or help your case for being magnetic and liked. It’s inevitable that you will find yourself dealing with angry or frustrated people, exacerbating a situation that may not be ideal in the first place. Emotions will fly and mouths will flap. So what approaches can you take at managing conflicts in a graceful and moodlightening manner, whether between you or as an objective bystander? How do we improve on Judy’s hilarious brand of judgment? The first step to resolving a conflict smoothly and swimmingly is to figure out exactly what the causes for being upset are. This might seem like an obvious statement, but it’s a course of action that is often more difficult than we think. People are conditioned to avoid confrontation, and their true intentions or desires are often obscured for the sake of keeping the peace. How many times have we told our significant others that we’re “just fine?” You’ll need to try to read between the lines with their answers…
And also think about how your actions may have played a part, either directly or indirectly throughout unintended consequences or misinterpretation. No one has a perfect pipeline from our thoughts to our actions and words, and we find that our true intentions get lost a fair amount of the time. This leaves room for misunderstandings on a daily basis. Prompt yourself with questions such as “how are my actions being perceived by this person and how are they contributing to the problem?” Make believe for a second that the other party is being completely logical in their own right, so what could they have interpreted to make them act in such a negative way? If at any point you realize you were part of the problem, apologize immediately for your part and continue from there. You’re not arguing to win – you’re arguing to settle a dispute and conflict, and this mindset often goes a long way towards peaceful resolution. Apologies go a long way to calm a person down, and in turn, make them easier to talk to. One solution that has worked throughout the generations is to always remember to be extra nice, especially when the person you’re dealing with isn’t particularly kind. The famous saying that tags along with this is to “kill them with kindness.” Sometimes reacting to a person who is caught up in the moment will only suck you into the drama and either cause you to mimic their emotions or make them even more upset. When you follow the kindness rule, you negate any of their negative emotions and instead only react with patience, love and kindness. When it comes to resolving an issue between two different people, often times leading by example is enough to fix the situation. Most of the time, this will cause one person to finally back down and give in to your more positive mood. On occasion, this will make someone more animated, but these times are rare and far between. An example of doing this in a situation would be if the disagreement between two people escalated, and one of them began shouting. Keeping your voice calm and responding with, “I am so sorry you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s work together to resolve this issue.” Your calm and level tone will become infectious and they will begin to respond with
openness and understanding. The Magnetic Impression: I can’t believe she got those two to stop fighting in such a calm and graceful way!
Principle 9: How to be the great storyteller. Imagine a crackling campfire in the middle of forest clearing. Dancing flames. A hush falls over you and your friends, filled only by unseen crickets and the braying of a wolf that sounds a little too close for comfort. Suddenly, a friend jumps up with a yelp and sprints away from his perch upon a log. You are all shocked, confused, and appropriately worried. You can still hear him running through the brush, snapping twigs and crunching leaves with each footstep. Suddenly, the noise stops, and he falls silent… “I’m pretty sure a fire ant just bit me where the sun don’t shine, I’m fine!” Count on Mark to disrupt what could have been an epically beautiful moment. Storytelling is not a skill that comes naturally to everyone. We know when we hear a good story, and when we’re captivated by someone even when the story isn’t amazing. We all have that friend or uncle that simply exudes a magnetism that makes people gather to them and hang on their every word. You may not be able to immediately emulate their success, but there are some very basic techniques and guidelines you can use to become the storyteller you always wanted to be, no matter who the audience is. The biggest guideline to follow is the proper structure of an effective story. As with the example above about the overzealous fire ants, there are 3 distinct parts for which you should split your stories into First, the setup and context, where you introduce the characters, the setting, and any factors that will be important to what transpires in the story. You’re all around a campfire in peaceful silence.
Second, the situation and action, where you describe how the character interacts with the setting. One of your friends runs away screaming suddenly. Third, the punchline and resolution, where you describe how the context changes in relation to the action. It turns out he was just bitten by a fire ant on his nether regions. Rinse and repeat this formula for all your stories. Of course, there is much more to a story than those three steps. As with all types of communication, it’s in the delivery and how you say it that determines the true impact. Raising the energy level of your conversation partner(s) is usually the best way to engage with a story, and there are a few ways you can do this easily. Use varying tones of voice, and even use different types of voices, gestures, and postures for different people in a story. Pause for dramatic effect. Make sure to exaggerate your facial expressions to ensure that the tone of what you’re conveying shines through. Finally, don’t underestimate how much laughing through your story will kill the vibe. Other books on communication and storytelling will suggest that you practice your stories until you can tell them in your sleep. I recommend this only if you’re going into a job interview or as a crutch for those that are naturally shy. Taking away the unfamiliar parts of your stories will make it easier for you to appear polished, which is important for the perception in those two contexts. However, for general storytelling amongst friends, being polished and too rehearsed is actually a turnoff, and castrates the emotions of a story. It sucks the passion out, and makes you rush through important details because you already know exactly how the punchline goes. Rehearse the big bullet points so you know where your story is going, but allow yourself to wing the minutiae to keep it interesting for both you and your listeners! The Magnetic Impression: What a seriously entrancing story – he kept me on my toes the whole time waiting for the punchline!
Principle 10: No pedants allowed. There are few things that bring a flowing conversation to a screeching halt than the guy who interjects with “Actually…!” and proceeds to correct you on a minor detail that is inconsequential to the point that you’re making… and then acts as if he just won some sort of knowledge argument. You know exactly who I’m talking about. And if you don’t? You just might be that person! A pedant is someone who feels the need to overemphasize minor details or rules, choosing to focus on the individual trees instead of the forest. Nitpicking. Nagging. How exactly does this manifest in daily conversation? It’s first important to realize that the reason most pedants behave the way they do isn’t because they actually care about the minor details so much. This is a reflex typically borne out of insecurity and a self-perception that people may not listen to them otherwise in the normal flow of conversation. They simply seize on their knowledge of the obscure and minor to demonstrate to others that they possess some sort of value – intelligence, and contribution to the conversation. In a sense, it’s a way for them to feel superior to others that they feel haven’t shown them the proper respect. To each his own. Everyone is entitled to feel the way that they do, and baggage doesn’t just exist in 45 year old divorcees. But at least recognize how this makes others perceive you and what pedantry does to a conversation! Butting into a friendly conversation with pedantry makes a conversation about right and wrong, and tacitly turns it into a competition. People won’t be impressed by your obscure knowledge, nor will it make you appear more interesting. It just gives the impression that you are rigid, uptight, and can’t see the bigger picture. Worst of
all, you’ve sidetracked the conversation for a brief nugget of attention. Butting into an argument with pedantry may be one of the most irritating phenomena known to man because there’s no logical or emotional way a minor correction makes someone more persuasive or correct. It sours the tone and makes it even more adversarial, because you’ve just addressed something tangential that makes it appear that you aren’t understanding the issue at hand. It won’t change your partner ’s stance, and might even be detrimental to your stance because you will appear to be crying wolf. As I implored you to wing the minutiae in the previous chapter about storytelling… I implore you to simply let the minutiae go here. In most conversations, being exact and precise really isn’t that important. If the correction you’re about to make doesn’t alter the general concept or tone of the conversation, or is about a tangential detail, you’re being pedantic. Debating semantics won’t draw people towards you – it will accomplish the opposite. Even if you are 100% factually correct, correctness does not make friends. The Magnetic Impression: I’m so glad she didn’t stop to correct me about the capital of Spain – that would have made me so mad that that’s what she focused on!
Principle 11: Don’t debate tastes and opinions. I never do this, but let’s start this principle with how the worst best man speeches begin – with dictionary definitions. “Webster’s dictionary defines love as…” Let’s define the following words: taste and opinion. Taste: an individual preference. Opinion: a personal view, attitude, or appraisal. Notice the words individual and personal. Entirely subjective. So why would you argue and debate about people’s tastes and opinions as if you could change their mind and there is only one correct mode of thinking? You see it all the time. Whether it’s when a movie comes up, or someone’s preference of weather comes up, and someone else somehow just exclaims that they are so wrong. This in itself isn’t unusual or offputting… if it stops right there. You can have a friendly debate or round of questioning about a taste or opinion, and no one will bat an eye. The problem is that many people either don’t pick up on social cues that people don’t care to have their opinions put down and attempt to be changed, or that they are imposing an unsolicited attack on things that they like. Here’s how it usually goes: “No joke, Forrest Gump is my favorite 90’s movie of all time. Hands down. And that scene where Forrest asks if his son is like him? Tears could not be stopped.”
“Forrest Gump? Are you kidding me? That movie was horrible and so historically inaccurate. Plus, it was sooo predictable that he was just going to end up with Jenny. I hate Tom Hanks. How could you like that movie?” “I just thought it was funny and entertaining how it integrated history into his life.” “History? You mean the revisionist history that our media would have us believe?! What about The Shawshank Redemption? You have to like that movie more than Forrest Gump. It was so much better!” “Um...” And so on. Notice how there’s a clear lack of awareness that arguing about tastes and opinions is never going to endear you to someone, and it’s almost never going to change any minds either. There’s literally no way that conversation is going to end amicably short of the defending party just admitting that he is ‘wrong’ in his taste in movies. So when things are a matter of taste and opinion, as many things are in life, don’t argue with people about them. You can feel free to objectively debate and question them, but don’t approach people with an attitude that they are flat out wrong or senseless to like something. People like what they like, and to think any differently is to embody judgment. It’s also invasive, rude, and escalates into an adversarial tone more often than you would think. You immediately make people feel like they must defend themselves. It makes you come off as someone who is extremely close-minded, rigid, preachy, and unwilling to entertain other perspectives. It’s the equivalent of giving unsolicited advice, which is rarely welcome. Most of all, you just come off as kind of an asshole. So instead of debating taste and opinion, restrict your incredulity that someone loves Nickelback to yourself, and don’t address it. Bring up what other bands they like to stay away from attacking the taste or opinion, because there is no winning with it. Likewise if anyone attempts the same to you – a simple “Are you really telling me that my opinion is wrong just because it is different from yours?” will put a stop to
it every time. The Magnetic Impression: Thank God he just accepted that our favorite bands were different and didn’t try to convert me endlessly… that would have made me hate him and I just met him!
Principle 12: But really, curiosity trumps all. A magnetic personality is many things. It’s knowing how to masterfully continue a conversation and even rescue a flailing one. It’s knowing just how to engender rapport and comfort in the minimal amount of time. It’s knowing what topics to avoid and how to gracefully navigate out of them. But these things are useless without the proper mindset and approach towards the people you meet. You need to be curious about people. If you’re not simply curious about the person you are talking to, we discover that the following is likely true: you just don’t care about them that much, or you prefer the conversation to be focused around you. There’s really no inbetween, because it influences everything from “Hi” to “Bye.” In denial? Read on. If you’re not curious about someone and how they are and how they’re doing, it sets the tone for your entire conversation. You won’t ask about them, dig into their lives, or connect. You won’t care to implement any of the tips presented in this or any other communication and social skills book, and you just won’t engage other people in ways that they will care about. You’ll do the perfunctory and obligatory “How are you” and “How was your weekend”s, but any connection beyond that just won’t occur without a sense of curiosity about the other person. When’s the last time you really asked someone in depth about their lives and feelings? What other operative adjectives can you think of to describe the mindset and willingness to engage and connect with someone on a deep level? So my message here is simple. Make the decision to be genuinely curious and
interested in the person across from you, and you set the grounds for a true connection to form. When you think about it… it’s not like you’re all that and a bag of chips. Literally everyone in the world is better than you at something and has something to teach and fascinate you with. Make a commitment to being curious people, even if you have to fake it at first! What happens when you embody curiosity? You delve deep into people’s lives, you ask quality and inquisitive questions, you keep the focus on them, and you just strive to learn about them. People like people who like them, so you gain additional acceptance. You cultivate an atmosphere of openness that is often reciprocated. You take the pressure off yourself when you make your purpose in talking to someone just to learn about them without any other expectations or ulterior motives. (This is especially salient and noticeable when you’re talking to attractive members of the opposite sex…) As usual, Dale Carnegie had some wise words on this topic – “You can make more friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” The Magnetic Impression: What a great guy – I could tell that he was genuinely interested in me and my hobbies. I can’t believe I told him that crazy story about my skiing!
Principle 13: Help ‘em chase that feeling. Everyone has a fake laugh. I do. You know you do. Your mother does. Even your significant other has a special one they reserve just for you. We don’t like using it, and we know that there is a stigma against being fake with people, so to speak. So why do all of us possess a fake laugh that we probably use on a daily basis? Because we know that laughter is often the reaction that people are seeking and chasing. And when we give people the reaction they seek in a conversation or otherwise, it makes conversation flow smoothly, endears people to us, and encourages them to open up more because you are clearly on their level of understanding. Yep, all that from fake laughter. Of course, this isn’t a principle about utilizing your fake laughter and using fake flattery to get closer to people. This is a principle about reading the emotion that people are trying to convey… and give it to them. Someone is relating an angry story? Vocalize your outrage and resist playing devil’s advocate. Someone tells you how confusing the directions were to a LEGO spaceship? Commiserate and relate the time you broke your IKEA shelf trying to put it together. This has a few mental and psychological benefits.
People loved to be agreed with, and when you find someone that seems to know exactly the feeling that you are conveying, it’s an instant bond. We assume that they are on our level emotionally and intelligence-wise, and are instantly more intrigued by what they have to say. Showing an understanding of the emotions that are being conveyed also amplifies the emotion within the speaker, which usually translates into added energy within the conversation, directed towards you. This is positive. And what do we do when we find someone that seems to understand us, and we’re energized? We direct that energy into opening up to them more than we would have otherwise. As you can see, it’s a slippery slope of openness that you can create just by intuiting the emotional reaction that someone is seeking and giving it to them. A key point in this principle is to be overly demonstrative and exaggerate your reactions… because chances are, they are much more subtle and quiet than you think, which provides little to zero impact. You want to be sure that the other person knows and is aware that you are amplifying their emotions – there is no point otherwise. You might feel like you are parroting people or faking it at first, but it’s a mindset as much as practice-driven. As with many things in life, a halfway measure is mostly useless. A final note to any potential detractors of this principle: there is no fakeness or manipulation at work here. Reflecting an emotion back to someone is simply a trait of emotional intelligence, and should be used as a tool to lubricate any interaction. It’s something we all do instinctively, and being purposeful about what drives human connections isn’t negative. Besides, since when is it fake to attempt to relate to people? Remember what our goal is here in this book! The Magnetic Impression: I can’t believe she knew exactly what I meant when I was talking about my weight loss… and my dog’s death… and my car accident! Is she my twin?
Principle 14: What does your face say? Ever hear of a phenomenon called “resting bitch face?” It might seem exclusive to women, but I assure you that many men suffer from it as well – “resting asshole face” for men. Resting bitch face is when your default face, the face which shows no emotion and is not reacting to anything, is simply an intimidating looking frown. Why do I bring this up? Those with resting bitch face are communicating something that is unintended to their detriment. They might be calm, happy, or just daydreaming, but their outward appearance is going to be one of anger, arrogance, aloofness, or just plain bitchiness. At least those are the judgments and assumptions that people will make of them! My point here is that often, we convey emotions that we don’t intend to, and other times we don’t convey any at all. Left unchecked, it’s a recipe for miscommunication and terrible connections because people won’t be able to read you accurately, and will rarely be on the same wavelength emotionally as a result. In any case, it’s a matter of aligning your physical appearance (your face and facial expressions) with your internal emotional state to make sure you’re not conveying mixed messages, or even worse, feeding misunderstandings. Translation: learn to pass the mirror test. Align your inner emotion with your physical appearance. It’s a matter of feeling an emotion, and noticing how you convey it physical through
your facial expressions and body language. Do they match up? Do you even show any emotion? Or are there mixed messages all over the place? A quick example is smiling and laughing when someone is nervous or angry. So how do other people perceive your smiling, frowning, arms crossing, and angry glare? This is extremely important for you to figure out and curate, because any time there is a misalignment of the external and internal representations of an emotion, you can be sure that there will be a misunderstanding. Accurately representing how you feel inside is key because it keeps communication straightforward, keeps you honest, and avoids any sort of reading between the lines. Smile when you’re happy, frown when you’re not. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, our subconscious takes over much of the time to withdraw and protect ourselves. If you think your body language during an intense conversation or argument is open-minded and accepting, think again. Were you actually folding your arms, standing menacingly, and raising your voice? Although not immediately apparent, passing the mirror test can set the tone for a connection that has no hidden messages or miscommunication! The Magnetic Impression: She was so straightforward and easy to talk to. I could tell she had nothing to hide and was just so genuine.
Principle 15: When are you the general or soldier? “Where do you want to eat tonight?” “Oh, I don’t care. You pick.” Some people get fixated on topics and things and there’s nothing you can do about it. Let them. Others don’t care whatsoever about where a conversation is going and are just happy to be along for the ride. No problem. Fortunately, most of us fall somewhere in between of assertiveness, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be beneficial to know how to deal with the outliers that you will undoubtedly run into. Knowing when you can be assertive in leading an interaction versus when you must take a more passive role is key to building a connection with those outliers and everyone in between. We must realize that most conversations lead absolutely nowhere, are forgettable, and languish in generalities born by two people that are just nice enough to let this happen. When you either take charge or appropriately let a bull lead, it takes conversations in places that at least one of the parties wants to go, and people with direction are generally far more interesting and interested in talking and connecting. This is why taking charge of stepping aside is important. But being assertive or too passive with someone, each extreme has the potential of alienating people – how do you balance this, know when to reach each, all with the goal of magnetism and connection in mind? This applies to leadership, conflicts, and the vast majority of daily interactions. Unfortunately, there’s no silver bullet here, but a series of silver punches – a battery
of questions that you must ask yourself internally to determine whether to take charge or the back seat. First, start by reading the interaction and the person. This is the most difficult step and takes the most practice. Is the person the kind to take charge? How do they act in their social circle or friend group? What role do they play in planning and directing social outings? Do people look to them for support and direction? Do they often compromise or plan so that they can have their own way? Second, read the context and situation. Is there a deadline coming up, or other urgency factor that would make someone want to take charge more? Is there a relaxed tone that might make no one care about leading? Is the other person feeling lazy or stressed out? Are they in a good or bad mood, is the conversation or direction important to them, or is it something they have a particular interest or knowledge in? Strive to mentally catalog these thoughts, as misunderstandings and overreactions happen when one isn’t aware of all important factors of an interaction! Third, predict the future of the interaction. What will garner the best outcome? Will appeasing them be beneficial? Should you take charge if you’re better suited to? What will outside perception be? Are you in a win-win interaction, or a lose-lose interaction where it would be best to sit back and passively let it happen? Fourth (and this really does deserve a point of its own), is the person you’re interacting with a conversation bull? Someone who will keep talking about themselves, and doesn’t seem to enjoy making a conversation mutual? Or do they show hints of being close-minded, judgmental, and thus want to take charge? Some people just don’t like accepting ideas from others, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Figuring out the way to deal with them effectively is the name of the game. Leading and following an interaction has the power to move into someone’s zone of comfort and openness, or let it die like most conversations.
The Magnetic Impression: The way she handled that guy who wouldn’t stop insisting on going out was amazing!
Principle 16: Compliment and express freely.
In a perfect world, everyone would feel free to share how much they loved everyone and how much they appreciated their friends and family. Relationships would be unimaginably tighter, and the levels of day to day happiness that people experience would be simply amazing. People would know exactly where they stood with each other, and there wouldn’t be such a thing as playing games or playing passive aggressive. I also would not have a job. Of course, that doesn’t reflect reality, and there are too many reasons that people don’t open up and make themselves vulnerable to those that matter. That’s a shame. But what’s this go to do with being magnetic, impressing, connecting, and influencing? If there’s anything that could emulate at least a fraction of the emotionally utopian world that I touched on above… it’s complimenting and expressing positivity more freely. Beyond that, there are just a host of reasons that you should compliment and express positivity more to people. First of all, compliments make people feel good. People gravitate towards those that make them feel good, and by all accounts and association, that is you. Compliments are mutually beneficial – that’s the low hanging fruit of complimenting more. Be the one to completely change the tone of a room or discussion by your compliments. This is simple human psychology and conditioning and its best, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t exploit it to the fullest. Second, we already know that everyone’s favorite subject is themselves.
A compliment typically encourages people to expand about a positive aspect of themselves, and it’s not often people get a chance to brag outright in such a direct manner – a typical conversation will almost never lead you to that point without cringe worthy braggadocio. Expanding on a compliment is a socially accepted way to talk about yourself because you didn’t initiate it. This also harkens back to the very first principle in this book: appeal to people’s perceived selves. The more personal and intimate to a person’s identity that a compliment feels, the stronger the positive emotional response will be. It’s a blatant affirmation of the traits that people like in themselves, and it’s something that they will likely hold onto for a while and look back to in times of self-doubt and low self-esteem. You may not realize it, but personal compliments about what people perceive their strengths (and weaknesses especially) to be are likely tucked away in people’s mental notebooks for further use. Third, it gives direction to a conversation, and sometimes that is necessary. If a conversation is flailing or dying, for example. A compliment is a great way to stave off an awkward conversation lull and recapture someone’s interest and attention. It can also serve to deflect and redirect from a topic that was hitting too close to home for comfort… for either party. Finally, being on the hunt to compliment people is an extremely valuable skill for you to have. It frames your thoughts in a positive manner, making you more pleasurable to be around. It also flexes your observational skills more than you might think... which is a tremendous skill that can be used in every walk of life. How much better of an employee or boss are you if you have great observation skills? How much better of a lover and significant other? A friend? Alternatively, just think about your favorite joke from your favorite stand-up comic. It was probably observational! Cultivate a compliment-filled world. The Magnetic Impression: He is so kind, and I can’t believe he noticed that I’ve been making an effort to dress better. That was one of my yearly resolutions!
Principle 17: Never just “No.” Improv comedy is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to watch. It’s quite a step up from the normal night of Netflix or going out to an actual movie theater, which I might be doing instead. I love it because it gives the performers a chance to create some real, ‘lightning only strikes once’ moments that only the crowd can be witness to. Most of all, I love it for the interplay between the performers and how well they are able to work off of each other and work towards a common goal. The flow of a professional improv show is an incredible sight to see. Wayne Brady, eat your heart out. There are quite a few lessons we can take from our performers to apply to social situations and becoming an overall magnetic person – the parallels to conversations are staggering if you give it a second thought – being able to go with the flow of a conversation, not leaving your conversation partner out to dry, and just working together to connect better. But you know what the first rule of improv comedy is? Never say no. Don’t lead with it, don’t take a negative stance, and keep yourself open to your partner ’s direction. Just imagine how awkward and disjointed improv would be if people led with no half the time. “Okay… so you DON’T like animals or the zoo? I guess we’ll go to a baseball game instead…” In short order, leading with no in an interaction is negative, discouraging, closeminded, often rude and judgmental, frustrating, a buzzkill, and a death kiss for smooth flow.
So what exactly does this mean for you in concrete, actionable terms? Just don’t lead with “no.” Don’t outright deny something is true, tell people that they are wrong, dismiss their comments or concerns, or otherwise deny the flow of the conversation that they are trying to create. Besides disrupting the flow, leading so negatively may encourage people to become defensive around your denials, which can inject unnecessary tension into an interaction. You suddenly become adversaries, with one being right and one being wrong – to what end? Learn to listen first instead of having a kneejerk reaction of negativity to people, and this will include developing relatively gentle and harmless key phrases to substitute for “no.” The key and underlying message is to greet your conversation and interaction partner with positivity, which encourages them to continue to open up. If they are met with negativity, they could very well feel judged, and no one wants to open themselves up for more of that! Whether you need to impose an internal no interruptions rule to allow people to say their piece, that’s for you to decide. But leading with “no” is going to be the biggest habit you can change instantly that you will be able to see instant dividends from. The Magnetic Impression: What a great conversation, he was so open to everything I was talking about and seemed so interested!
Principle 18: Calibrate towards a role model. I make no secret of the fact that I still idolize Will Smith’s Fresh Prince character from the similarly named television show. To me, he’s everything that a charming, magnetic personality should be. He says what he wants, is amazingly likeable, is comfortable being at the center of the room, is confident to the point of being arrogant, and most of all he is hilarious. His mannerisms with women are also off the charts, but that’s for another book. When I was first starting to diligently grow my own social skills and break out of my shell, he was an important concept for me. Since he embodied many of the things I wanted, I was able to grow, sometimes in a forced and artificial way, closer to my personal ideal simply by asking myself one question. What would the Fresh Prince do? It’s a powerful question to ask yourself for a reasons. First, it takes the focus off the situation at hand that you might not be comfortable in. Asking yourself a question about how someone else would act takes the pressure off of asking how you yourself should act. It’s always easier to observe and give advice to other people (hello, relationships), and it’s no different here. Viewing things through an objective, relatively impersonal perspective and frame of someone else will allow you to analyze the social situation that you are in, and calibrate your next moves. Second, it allows you to actually develop your social skills to the end goal that you want.
Every time you ask yourself this question, your reaction and justification will become that much easier until it is second nature. There’s no awkward fumbling about and analyzing social situations in hindsight – you will essentially be able to condition yourself in the heat of the moment to act how you want and make your actions as a reflex. Third, simply having a role model (or 3) in mind allows you to analyze what traits you actually value and want to develop. For instance, perhaps you want to develop more confidence and being more outspoken in social situations. In that case, you might ask yourself what someone like Robert Downey Jr. would do, or whoever the female equivalent might be. For another trait you want to develop, for example a razor sharp sense of wit and humor, perhaps you could ask yourself what Conan O’Brien would do. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and has a different conception of how they want to be perceived. Not everyone fits the blatantly outgoing mold of being magnetic, and that’s fine. Other people that tend to resonate with others in terms of wanting to emulate: Tyler Durden, Don Draper, Charles Zavier, Jack Donaghy, Ari Gold, John Wayne, Sheryl Sandberg, Jennifer Lawrence, Michelle Obama, Hilary Clinton, Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey… the list goes on. It’s about choosing someone that excels in areas that you feel like you don’t, and embodying them from time to time to create lasting habits. Fourth, thinking about what someone would do is like wearing a mask at first. As any trick or treater can attest to, masks empower us and allow us to say and think things that we wouldn’t dare to otherwise. In a sense, this becomes a safe place for you to retreat you when you are in an unfamiliar social situation. This principle is simply about introspection – recognizing your faults and shortcomings honestly, and implementing a quick mental fix to help you develop your skills into a level of magnetism. What would the Fresh Prince do here? I like to think he would take advantage and do the same! The Magnetic Impression: She came off so confident and sure of herself that she
reminded me of Michelle Obama, what a great impression!
Principle 19: Social cues for social success. Imagine that you’ve just received a screenplay with a novel plot, fantastic characters, and a compelling twist at the end. There’s just one problem – there is no narration to set the stage or introduce the characters whatsoever. You have no idea where scenes end and begin, how the characters are positioned, what they feel, or who anyone even is! This is what an interaction is like without social cues. Social cues (also known as hints, clues, signs, etc.) are small verbal and non-verbal hints that guide social interaction implicitly, and are used by most of us on an unconscious level on a daily basis. They tell us what people are really saying. It turns out that we intuit so much of people’s intentions, motivations, and emotions through implicit means such as facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and even how close people stand to us. Social cues, at their most basic level, act to reduce the amount of ambiguity in the communications we receive from others. It’s why we can say something and mean completely the opposite – social cues will indicate otherwise and provide us an interpretation that allows for humor and sarcasm. Given that most of us have had decades of practice in reading social cues at this point, it has allowed us to form a mental model of people’s behaviors and intentions that serves us well. This is why we can say things like “I’ve got a bad feeling about her,” or “I just knew he was thinking that!” You just know it because you know what signs indicate it and also indicate the
opposite. It’s only when we are faced with the absence of them do we realize how important of a role they play in our lives. The ability to recognize social cues and react accordingly is also precisely what the people we deem “socially awkward” lack. A large part of social cues hinges on how socially aware and observant one is. You and I both know people that lack those traits. It requires practice, but with some guidelines below, I hope to drastically reduce the amount of repetitions that it might take someone to learn a wide range of social cues. Keep in mind that this is an extremely basic and abbreviated list because cues differ from person to person and many cannot even be articulated. 1. Body language. 1.1. Are they facing you or slightly turned away? Indicates disinterest or discomfort. 1.2. What directions are their feet facing? Indicates whether they want to keep talking to you or leave. 1.3. Are they fidgeting or do they appear antsy otherwise? Indicates discomfort or anxiety. 1.4. Are their arms and legs crossed, or uncrossed and more open and inviting? Indicates how comfortable and open they feel to you. 1.5. Is their posture slumped over or more horizontal than vertical? Indicates boredom or disinterest. 1.6. Are they using quick, decisive gestures? Indicates anger or annoyance. 1.7. Are they touching you? Indicates comfort and affection. 2. Eyes. 2.1. Are they making eye contact with you or scanning in back of you? Indicates boredom. 2.2. Are they avoiding eye contact with you? Indicates boredom or possible dislike. 2.3. Are they staring at you? Indicates possible confrontation, anxiety, or boredom. 3. Distance. 3.1. Are they standing close to you? Indicates comfort. 3.2. Are they moving farther away every time you move close? Indicates discomfort. 4. Facial expressions. 4.1. Are they squinting at you? Indicates skepticism or annoyance. 4.2. Can you see micro-expressions form before they can hide them?
4.3. Are their eyebrows shooting up? Indicates surprise or happiness. 4.4. Are their smiles fake or genuine? You can tell this by how much their eyes crinkle, and if they show their teeth. 4.5. Are they rolling their eyes at you? Indicates skepticism and annoyance. 5. Verbal cues. 5.1. Are they acknowledging what you’re saying, or just giving you “Uh huh”s? 5.2. Are they using rising vocal tone and inflection? Indicates confusion or anger. 5.3. Are they stuttering or stumbling over how to address something? Indicates nervousness or disinterest in a topic. 5.4. Are they laughing or giggling at what you say? Indicates affection. 5.5. Do they keep asking questions? Indicates interest. 6. Other behaviors. 6.1. Are they checking their phone a lot? Indicates boredom. 6.2. Did they excuse themselves quickly after beginning to talk to you? Indicates dislike. 6.3. Do they continually refer to other things they have to be doing? Indicates anxiety and boredom. Finally, as you might have gathered, social cues are pretty much key to flirting and most kinds of interaction with the opposite sex. We know that our dates will never tell us exactly what they’re thinking or if they even like us, but the hunt for social cues of attraction – this fuels chemistry, sexual tension, and the exhilarating feeling of the chase. Social cues are the narrative, the behind the scenes direction, the crib notes, and the informants that tell us what people are really saying without having to say it at all. The Magnetic Impression: He was so intuitive! He picked up on everything I was trying to say but was too polite to actually say out loud. What an observant guy.
Principle 20: Find your image.
Ultimately, we can possess all the requisite behaviors and charm to be magnetic, but if we don’t look or act the part, it probably won’t happen. It’s just the shallow world we live in. Judgments are made in a split second, and whether justified or not, decisions based on the first impression persist until there is concrete evidence to the contrary. Therefore, it’s of utmost importance to ensure that the first impression and image that you present is exactly what you want. Your image has verbal and non-verbal components, and since this isn’t a book on style or body language, let’s focus on the verbal component, which includes what you say and how you say it to cultivate a magnetic image. First, it’s helpful to introspect and think of a few adjectives that you would like people to describe you as. We are reminded of the role models we want to emulate here – the best ways to improve are to know exactly what your end goals are so you can formulate a plan designed specifically towards that purpose. Having a specific image and adjectives in mind also influences your wardrobe, body language, and tone of voice. Second, how do we actually go about cultivating the image that you want? This is a process that people notice over time by the way you talk and what you bring up… with specific, pointed stories and anecdotes. Here’s the process to find these for yourself. Sit down with a pen and paper and brainstorm the following about yourself: 1. 5 adjectives that you want to convey to others. 2. Your 10 most interesting and unique experiences.
3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
6 things you are really great at 6 of your greatest accomplishments. 5 unique daily habits you have. 5 favorite past times and activities. 5 thoughts you’ve had that you think are pretty unique.
Got it? It’s not easy to pump these out, so take a bit of time to consider them. Now try relating everything that you listed from points 2-7 to something from point 1. This is designed to help you develop a mindset about the image that you want, and begin to think in terms of someone who is “hilarious” or whatever your adjective might be. For example, if your target adjective is indeed hilarious, what are the funny angles on your 10 most interesting experiences? The funny angles and stories on the 7 things you are great at? And so on. It’s impossible to not embody your target adjectives for your image if that’s literally all you talk about! The idea isn’t to shoehorn your experiences and stories into every conversation – that’s a recipe for instantly being labeled as self-absorbed and selfish. It’s just to develop a frame for yourself. Every superhero has their backstory and narrative. Once that’s established, every story about them is told through the image that they have created for themselves. Think of it as a way to utilize your experiences to shape your narrative! The Magnetic Impression: She is a seriously adventurous individual! I couldn’t believe that everything she talked about and has done in the past year is so crazy and travel-related!
Conclusion
It’s a long path to becoming truly magnetic and ooze charisma, but I sincerely believe this book presents you the vast majority of tools you need for social success. It won’t be a matter of you digging for what to say and trying to extend conversations beyond their expiration date. You may soon find yourself with the problem of curation and filtering who to spend your time with as a result of your newfound social standing – that’s what we call a nice problem to have. If I haven’t already, I want to emphasize the practice and re-reading required to truly grasp most of these principles. I have faith in you that you can absolutely accomplish what you hope to from buying this book, but it will be a process. You will need to iterate. You will be uncomfortable at times. But every semi-failure is a stepping stone to your next social success. Re-read this book and some of the principles you are struggling to implement. When it all starts to come together for you, I hope you can notice the drastic beforeafter effect that these skills can provide for you! I wish you the best and here’s to becoming truly magnetic. Sincerely, Patrick King Dating and Social Skills Coach www.PatrickKingConsulting.com P.S. If you enjoyed this book, please don’t be shy and drop me a line, leave a review, or both! I love reading feedback, and reviews are the lifeblood of Kindle books, so they are always welcome and greatly appreciated. Other books by Patrick King include: CHATTER: Small Talk, Charisma, and How to Talk to Anyone
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J5HH2Y6 Charm Her Socks Off: Creating Chemistry from Thin Air http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IEO688W Why Women Love Jerks: Realizing the Best Version of Yourself to Effortlessly Attract Women http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KLPXNI0
Cheat Sheet
Before devouring the cheat sheet, remember, as a FREE show of appreciation to my readers, I’ve put together The Flawless Interaction Checklist. It describes in-depth the 7 essential components to exceptional interactions and conversations, from strangers to relationships and everything in-between. Including how to: make people comfortable, connect easily, develop killer eye contact, prepare for any social situation, look like a mind reader, and never run out of things to say. Click over to download your FREE copy now! Principle 1: Appeal to people’s perceived selves. Zero in on what people seem to pride themselves on and appeal to them on a personal level. Principle 2: Callback to conversational high points. Mentally catalog a few
emotionally high points of a conversation and refer to them later for personalized attention. Principle 3: Utilize the touch effect. Touch has the power to comfort, familiarize, and by touching, you put yourself into the friend stratosphere. Principle 4: Sometimes the best question is silence. Well-placed silences and pauses will show confidence in yourself and encourage the other person to fill the silence. Principle 5: The Power of “Why.” Ask “why” like a curious child and you will be able to dig deep into people as very few have done ever before. Principle 6: Filler phrases feel like chemistry. Develop a few go-to filler phrases to meet people’s expectations of a flowing, chemistry-filled conversation. Principle 7: You don’t have to be an extrovert. Introverts and extroverts can be similarly magnetic, but simply approach connecting from a different angle. Principle 8: The anti-Judge Judy. You can diffuse conflict gracefully simply by giving others the benefit of the doubt and figuring out what the root causes are. Principle 9: How to be the great storyteller. Internalize a story’s optimal structure and exaggerate your emotions during the deliver to deliver a great story. Principle 10: No pedants allowed. Don’t correct others on small things that don’t matter – correctness doesn’t make friends. Principle 11: Don’t debate tastes and opinions. If you try to change someone’s taste or opinion, you become an adversary giving unsolicited advice. Principle 12: But really, curiosity trumps all. Having a curious mindset towards the other person will influence every phase of your conversation and relationship at large. Principle 13: Help ‘em chase that feeling. Figure out the emotion that other people are trying to convey and give it to them in spades. Principle 14: What does your face say? Practice the mirror test and aligning your emotions and your physical appearance thereof.
Principle 15: When are you the general or soldier? Know when to lead an interaction and when the other person will be stubborn and bullish about its direction. Principle 16: Compliment and express freely. Complimenting people and the way it allows people to brag freely conditions them to enjoy your presence. Principle 17: Never just “No.” Stay positive and don’t tell others “no” from the outset, as it makes them defensive and shuts down conversations. Principle 18: Calibrate towards a role model. Find a role model for social interactions, confidence, any trait you would like to develop and ask what they would do when you’re in a bind. Principle 19: Social cues for social success. Learn to observe and recognize wellknown social cues that will tell you what people are really saying to you or about you. Principle 20: Find your image. Figure out how you want to be perceived and the image you want to convey, and work towards viewing your life experiences through that lens.
