M O C . N G I S E D S O M E L A I V A L F
Lisa Smith ThePeacefulParent.com
TABLE OF CONTENTS
1) “I Vow To Not Yell At My Kids Today”
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2) “I can see it coming...”
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3) Fee Feeling ling our feelings
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4) Anger is an Unmet Need
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5) Healthy Modeling v. Unhealthy Modeling
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6) Using Anger As Your Guide
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7) Applyin Applying g the Volcan olcano o Anger Model to to Your Anger 51 8) Peaceful Parenting Over the Long Run
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Conclusion
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About the Author
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CHAPTER 1
“I Vow To Not Yell At My Kids Today”
CHAPTER 1
“I Vow To Not Yell At My Kids Today”
When a storm is on the horizon, as a parent, you often feel it coming. You feel it in your bones. You feel it as your blood starts to boil. Despite how much you’ve vowed to not yell at your kids today, it’s coming. You are helpless to stop it. Ten, the storm hits. You’ve lost control of your children and you lose it. Suddenly, you’re screaming at the top of your lungs to gain control, red in the face and filled with emotion. Maybe this time your children will take you seriously as you raise your voice. Maybe they are stunned by your yelling. Or maybe, they’ve become accustomed to how you react. Either way, it’s happening. 5
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“Why do I keep doing this?” you ask yourself.
Ten, remorse sets in. Sometimes it’s sudden and sometimes it sets in late at night as you reflect back on your day. “Why do I keep doing this?” you ask yourself. “Why do I keep losing it?” Sound familiar? I can tell you that more households deal with the problem of anger than any other issue. For anyone wanting to become a more peaceful parent and achieve deep connection and peace in the home, addressing anger and the root causes of it are critical. Before we explore where anger comes from, I’d like to tell you about my own journey into become a peaceful parent, and the realizations I had to reach in order to truly change my parenting style. I grew up in a home where anger was everywhere. Tere was a lot of anger between the adults, but that anger was also directed at me. Tat anger escalated over time, there was divorce, moving, new schools, more new schools, more moving not a lot of stability and a ton of anger! Everyone was angry at everyone. I was really afraid of the adults and their anger. I swore when I became an adult, I wouldn’t be angry. I wouldn’t yell all the 7
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“I swore when I became an adult, I wouldn’t be angry.”
time. I thought I could walk away from the anger and it would have no effect on me as an adult. Boy was I wrong! Early on in my parenting, I was in an almost-constant state of anger. Tis really surprised me because, by nature, I’m not an angry person. As my son grew from a baby to a toddler into a little boy, I found myself growing more and more angry in my parenting style. I would anger very quickly. I yelled a lot. Screaming matches between my son and I happened frequently. How was this happening? I made it through my entire adult life without lashing out at others. Yet, here I was, screaming at my son who I loved more than anything. After I yelled, I’d feel so guilty about it that at night, I would promise myself, “omorrow, I will not yell.” Ten, tomorrow came, and I’d yell. It wasn’t until I really stopped to examine myself and my tendencies as a parent that I realized how my childhood experiences had directly shaped my parenting style. I had a lot of healing to do. 9
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“Tomorrow, I will not yell.”
Anger can look different depending on the home and parent. Te common manifestations of a parent who are expressing anger are: • Feeling the need to win every fight with your kids • Forcing your power over your kids looks like yelling, spanking, punishments, threats • Walking away from them • Giving them the silent treatment • Slamming doors or throwing objects
In the next chapter, we’ll examine why patterns from our childhood are so deeply engraved in our parenting style, what is happening on the neurological level and how we can begin to heal – before we try to incorporate more healthy, peaceful parenting into our homes.
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? REFLECTION QUESTIONS
• How was anger, and other emotions, expressed in your childhood home? • Can you see any correlation between how you were parented and how you’re parenting? “I Can See It Coming…”
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CHAPTER 2
“I can see it coming...”
CHAPTER 2
“I can see it coming...”
One of the most frustrating things about anger bubbling up in your parenting is that you often see it coming – but feel helpless to stop it. Why is this? Interestingly enough, many of us deal with anger based on the patterns that were set forth by our own parents or caregivers. Everything we know about anger and how we express it was mostly modeled for us when we were children. As a child, your prefrontal cortex is still developing. When we grow up in a home where anger is prominent, our brain’s neuropathways
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“Many of us deal with anger based on the patterns that were set forth by our own parents or caregivers.”
develop due to the models of behaviors and patterns we’re exposed to. If you grew up in an angry home, chances are you know it. You probably have dealt with it as an adult enough to where you’re unlikely to lash out on a co-worker or a stranger. You may have even developed healthy adult relationships where anger doesn’t bubble up. But, when you became a parent, the neurological pathways that were established within you as a child kick in. When you’re presented with a challenge, such as your child disrespecting you in public, those neuropathways start firing. Tis is when it feels as if anger has hijacked your brain. On a neurological level, that’s exactly what’s happening. Tis is not to say that you can’t overcome your brain’s default settings in your parenting style. You absolutely can. You just have to do some deep work and rewire those pathways.
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“When you’re presented with a challenge, those neuropathways start ring.”
“... it feels as if anger has hijacked your brain.”
? REFLECTION QUESTIONS
• What are my default reactions to stress? • What thoughts are going through my mind? • What behaviors or actions from my child trigger me?
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CHAPTER 3
Feeling Our Feelings
CHAPTER 3
Feeling our feelings
Many of today’s parents grew up in environments where their feelings were not taken into account. When emotions were expressed, their parents said things like, “’l’ll give you something to cry about.” Feelings were dismissed. However, as our society, we are changing. Parents today are recognizing the importance of helping children explore their feelings so they become mentally healthy adults. As a result, parents today have a dilemma: they see why it’s crucial to help their children understand and process their feelings, yet they were never taught to do it themselves. 21
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“Feelings were dismissed.”
Plus, parents have to experience all of their child’s emotions when expressed. Oftentimes, parents are sad or uncomfortable when their child has negative feelings. Sometimes, we attach judgment to those feelings. When we see our child express their own anger, we interpret it as meaning we’re not a good parent. All of this creates a perfect storm within with in the home, often full of contradictions, confusion and heightened emotions. One of the most important things we can teach our children is to let them feel their feelings. I beg you to understand this! th is! Let them feel their feelings, especially during a storm when something has gone wrong, when you’re unhappy or when they’re unhappy. Let them feel their feelings and give them room and space and encourage them to feel their feelings. I was recently coaching a mother and we discussed how, how, as parents, many of us take our children’ children’s negative feelings personally person ally.. 23
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“... parents are sad or uncomfortable when their child has negative feelings.”
If you’re not careful, you can inadvertently encourage your child to not express their feelings. I promise you if you can get comfortable with letting your child feel their feelings there’s there’s a lot of freedom in that. t hat. It takes effort and work. Giving your children permission to feel their t heir feelings is at the heart of peaceful parenting. When this is hard hard to do, the secret is to just acknowledge acknowledge that you’ you’re uncomfortable that your child is having these big feelings. You can acknowledge to yourself, “Wow, I’m not sure what to t o do d o here. Tis is really uncomfortable, but I’m going to give my child the space to feel his feelings.” feelings.” When these t hese big b ig feelings f eelings are expressed exp ressed through throug h anger ange r, it’s it’s often a buildup of complex emotions and sometimes judgments thrown in. Tat’s why anger feels so strong for us and for our child. Lastly, you need to do this with yourself too. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. 25
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“Giving your children permission to feel their feelings is at the heart of peaceful parenting.”
? REFLECTION QUESTIONS
• Am I creating an environment where my child feels safe to express his or her emotions? If not, how can I work towards creating this environment? • How can I remove judgment around my feelings and my child’s feelings, especially anger?
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CHAPTER 04
Anger is an Unmet Need
CHAPTER 4
Anger is an Unmet Need
Now that you understand the importance of letting your children feel their feelings, you’re probably asking yourself what to do when they’re feeling angry. You can’t just let them unleash? Or can you? I’ve discussed how anger manifests and why it feels like our brain is defaulting to anger, but we haven’t discussed the root of the anger. Anger, plain and simple, is an unmet need. Let that sink in for a moment. Every time, we as humans, exhibit anger, it’s because a need isn’t met.
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“Anger, plain and simple, is an unmet need.”
Let’s explore this idea a little further. Let’s say your son had a big test at school. He studied hard for his exam, stayed up a little later than normal and went to school nervous. You pick him up after school and he scowls when you ask him how it went. You probe a bit further – you want to know if his hard work studying paid off! – and he lashes out. He screams at you to leave him alone and tells you it’s none of your business. He hurls his backpack at you. A parent who has yet to do any deep work in addressing their own anger might react back with the same fire, turning the event into a heated screaming match and ruining the day. However, what if you employed the “anger is an unmet need” concept to this situation? Playing detective, you could look at his situation and try to determine what his unmet needs are in that moment. Tink of the many possible answers! He could need sleep from staying up late. He could need reassurance of his hard work. He could need some time to play after his brain has been in study-mode. When you look at anger as an unmet need, it’s easy to have more empathy toward your child. 31
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“When you look at anger as an unmet need, it’s easy to have more empathy toward your child.”
Te same concept can be applied to yourself. Te next time you find yourself angry, ask yourself, “what is my unmet need?” Using this “curiosity” approach is departure from how you are wired neurologically, so you may really need to work at it to encourage yourself, with love and kindness, to go underneath that behavior and really try to figure out what it is your child needs. In order to properly deal with your anger, you need to be able to access or feel your feelings, and you need to give your child space to access his or her feelings.
? REFLECTION QUESTIONS
• When you last were angry, what was your unmet need? • Can you meet your need before your anger escalates?
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The next time you nd yourself angry, ask yourself,“what is my unmet need?”
CHAPTER 05
Healthy Modeling v. Unhealthy Modeling
CHAPTER 5
Healthy Modeling v. Unhealthy Modeling
By now, you may have noticed a theme: in order to create a peaceful home, you must focus on yourself just as much as you are focused on guiding your child. Tere is power in this realization, isn’t there? You have the tools to create the ideal environment. Now that we understand how anger is an unmet need, and healthy expression of feelings is important for children, it is your job as a parent to model healthy behavior in a way that they’ll mimic.
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“... in order to create a peaceful home, you must focus on yourself ...”
Let’s look at a household full of anger and how that creates unhealthy modeling. When a parent yells at a child, especially a strong-willed child, you can almost always bet that child will react back with anger. Usually the anger starts because a parent is trying to force his or her will over their children. When a child sees yelling, her subconscious will say, “if it’s good enough for Dad, it’s good enough for me.” So they’ll start to model that behavior back. Ten, you are faced with a parent trying to exert power over a child, and a child trying to exert power right back over the parent.
IT MAY LOOK LIKE THIS Parent: “Brush Child:
“No.”
Parent: Child ,
your teeth.”
“I said brush your teeth. Do it now.”
walking away: “I said ‘no’!”
Parent:
“I’m the parent. You’re the child. You need
to do what I say!”
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“Usually the anger starts because a parent is trying to force his or her will over their children.”
You can see how a simple dialogue based in dominance can escalate quickly into a storm. Once the storm starts, it goes back and forth until there’s an explosion. I am not suggesting for a moment that we allow our child to exert their power over us and win. No, we are still the parent and permissive parenting is not the answer. What I am suggesting is that in peaceful parenting, you are not trying to win. You are letting go of the need to win because winning over your child brings dominance and disconnection. Instead, I’m suggesting we redefine winning as victory achieved WIH your kids, not over them. As a parent, you must use your power with your children to find that deep connection. You must also remember how a child processes your anger. Teir brains are saying, “You’re an adult, and I love you. You’re angry and you’re yelling at me and maybe spanking me and punishing me. You’re unleashing your fury on me. I’m younger and scared and confused. I feel unsafe and I’m crying. You’re yelling at me for crying and threatening to give me more to cry about.” 40
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“... permissive parenting is not the answer.”
What a confusing situation emotionally for a child to be in! Most children feel very confused and overwhelmed when they are being yelled at. Often crying or yelling back is an expression of feeling overwhelmed for their underdeveloped brain. As a parent, you must use your power with your children to not scare or confuse them, but rather to find a deep connection.
? REFLECTION QUESTIONS
• Can you think of a time where your child modeled your behavior in a way you didn’t like? How did it make you feel? • How can you start modeling more healthy behaviors in your interactions with your children?
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CHAPTER 06
Using Anger As Your Guide
CHAPTER 6
Using Anger As Your Guide
What would you say if I told you that you can use anger as your guide? Tat it can help you play detective with yourself to diagnose your unmet needs, and it can help you play detective with your kids to uncover their unmet needs? Moving forward, this is exactly how I want you to think about anger. Where is this coming from? What is the unmet need? I want to present my anger model to you. Find a piece of paper and a pen. I want you to think of anger as a volcano. I’d like you to draw a volcano with a big wide base at the bottom leading up to an open spout at the top. At the base, I would 44
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“Anger can help you play detective with your kids to uncover their unmet needs.”
like you to write out one of your typical unmet needs. A test to make sure you wrote the correct unmet needs is that if this need is met, there is no anger. If you’re still stuck, think about some of your best memories – great vacations, an amazing meal or a night out with your spouse as the kids stayed home with a trusted babysitter. Your needs were met, and you had no anger. Te absence of those fulfilled needs are your unmet needs – being overworked without a vacation in site, being hungry or going a long time without a date night, kids not listening, being late for work, loss of sleep etc. Now that you have your base of unmet needs, the middle of the volcano represents feelings arising from the unmet needs. Let’s say your unmet need is sleep: you need more sleep. You’re a single parent, and you know when your feet hit the ground at 5 a.m., you’ll be running all day, you’re building a business and you’re taking care of your child and your home.
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“A test to make sure you wrote the correct unmet needs is that if this need is met, there is no anger.”
But your kids are up late, watching V and not getting to bed any time soon. You’re exhausted. You’re frustrated. You know an important need of yours – sleep – will not be met. Te middle of the volcano represents the situation that’s preventing your needs from being met and the emotions that are beginning to bubble up like lava. At the top of the volcano are how your feelings manifest and explode out the top. It’s the expression of your unmet needs. It could show up in the form of yelling, spanking, slamming doors, silence, walking away, shutting down, becoming passive aggressive, to name a few. Sometimes the unmet need is much more complex and takes some time to really uncover. Tese can be things like unhappiness at work, your business isn’t growing like you thought it would, you need more adult stimulation, you want you and your spouse to be on the same page with regard to parenting, you are worried about your son’s future, co-parenting with your ex-spouse is complicated and frustrating etc. 48
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“Sometimes the unmet need is much more complex and takes some time to really uncover.”
Tis visual model gives so many parents clarity when uncovering the sources of their own anger. It’s a process to go underneath, and try to figure out what the unmet need is. Ten, with that intelligence and self-understanding, you can begin modeling more healthy behavior and better connecting to your child.
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CHAPTER 07
Applying the Volcano Anger Model to Your Anger
CHAPTER 7
Applying the Volcano Anger Model to Your Anger
Te beautiful thing about the volcano model is that once you’ve done this deep work on yourself and mastered it, you can apply it to your child and his or her anger. If you have a child who has big feelings, is strong willed, is sensitive, feels deeply or is easily agitated, their volcano is going to be bigger than a non-strong-willed child. When their emotions explode, their large volcano will spew more and more lava.
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“... once you’ve done this deep work on yourself and mastered it, you can apply it to your child and his or her anger.”
What does this mean? Te more lava that comes out of the top – in the form of yelling, lashing out and melting down -- the more likely the brain is going to shut down so it doesn’t get overwhelmed. Children naturally have a difficult time pinpointing their unmet need because they get overwhelmed by those feelings that are flooding in. Tat’s why a child who melts down often attributes the meltdown to something minor – they are unable to make the connection themselves. On a brain level, they are getting flooded with the hormone known as cortisol and then they act from the feelings, stemming from the unmet need. Tis is when things like temper tantrums, yelling and hitting a sibling happen. Tey’re acting from these feelings that are really uncomfortable for them, and that reaction is coming from the emotional center of their brain, which is also known as their middle brain. With this logic, and understanding of how the volcano model plays out in your child, you can see how a meltdown or a fit
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“... they get overwhelmed by those feelings that are ooding in.”
directed at you, the parent, is rarely about you. Even though it may be directed at you, it’s nothing we need to take personally because it’s stemming from an unmet need. Tis is when I love to say, “get curious, not furious.” Tey’re reacting to an unmet need, so you must not respond in anger. Tis may not come naturally to you depending on your neuropathways and the muscle memory that has been programmed into you since you were a child. However, you need to encourage yourself with love and kindness to really try to figure out what your kids need. When you help your child process those big feelings, the neuropathways start to form into healthy patterns. Tey connect their middle brain with their higher brain. As a parent, you can do that by bringing them back online when they shut down. Tis is called being emotionally intelligent, and by modeling this, we increase their emotional intelligence.
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“get curious, not furious.”
When the lava is spewing from your child’s volcano, I want you to do something radical: literally stop parenting and become your child’s emotional coach. Work with them to regulate and bring their brains back online. When you do this over and over, you are demonstrating emotional intelligence. What a gift you are giving your child! You are teaching them to ask, “what are my feelings and needs? How do I get my feelings and needs met? How do I make sure I’m meeting the feelings and needs of the people I care about?” Tis is at the core of peaceful parenting: to really understanding how to meet the needs of both your child and you in a way that allows both of you to be present and emotionally available. It’s important not to parent in the middle of the storm. Just be there for them as an emotional coach, help them through it and then reflect on the situation later. When their brain is back online, that is when you can talk about their behavior and how to modify it in the future.
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? REFLECTION QUESTIONS
• In areas where you typically get furious, how can you instead get curious? • Are my unmet needs easily solvable or will they take deep work?
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CHAPTER 08
Peaceful Parenting Over the Long Run
CHAPTER 8
Peaceful Parenting Over the Long Run
Achieving more peace in the home and overcoming a culture of anger is not easy. For you as a parent, you must stay in your higher brain when your child is behaving in a way that is difficult for you. Trough consistency, you and your child will start to work through stress and conflict with emotional intelligence. In order to make this process effective over time, I recommend three simple steps. When I say simple, they’re simple to remember but not always simple to implement. However, once you follow them, they will lead to a stronger connection with your child. 61
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“... you must stay in your higher brain when your child is behaving in a way that is dicult for you.”
1 Empathy. You must have empathy for yourself and for
your child. Tis is really difficult because many parents are uncomfortable when feelings arise from unmet needs. 2 Self-Awareness. You know the volcano model is working
for you when you can say, “OK, I’m angry because I have an unmet need. Can I take time to figure out what the unmet need is?” You also know it’s working when you can extend that awareness to your child. A great example is sibling fighting. A lot of times parents will focus on the actual fighting and the behavior that’s coming out the top of the volcano. But really, connection happens between you and your children when you focus on what’s going on at the base of the volcano during the sibling fight. Who needed attention but wasn’t getting it? Who needed respect but didn’t receive it? 3 Respect for Feelings and Needs. Again, it’s about what’s
happening at the base (unmet need), not about what lava is coming out (anger). It’s all about forging a deeper connection and using power as a parent for good.
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1
“EMPATHY. You must have empathy for yourself and for your child.”
2
“SELF-AWARENESS. Can I take time to gure out what the unmet need is?”
3
“RESPECT FOR FEELINGS AND NEEDS. It’s all about forging a deeper connection and using power as a parent for good.”
? REFLECTION QUESTIONS
• Do I understand empathy and how to give it to myself and others? • How can I work to create space for everyone’s’ feelings and needs?
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Conclusion
Te more you practice the volcano model on yourself, and your child, the more you’ll start to see a shift in your home. Continue to dissect your anger, and encourage your child to do the same (both in practice and by modeling). Sit down with them and explain the volcano model. Help them understand what an unmet need is and what can happen as a result. You’ll see the benefits spread to all areas of your and your child’s life.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lisa Smith
LISA SMITH
About The Author
Hi I’m Lisa. I am a Mom and Parent Coach who knows the joy of transformation, but really I help turn frustrated parents -- who regularly default to yelling, threatening and punishing -- into peaceful leaders within their households. As a former dominant parent, I found the path to Peaceful Parenting and am dedicated to helping other parents find their way too! When I’m not coaching, you’ll find most likely me at a basketball game rooting on my son or traveling somewhere new. I am obsessed with cross-fit, personal development and romance novels. You’ll almost always find me with a Starbuck’s
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iced green tea in my hand. You can learn more about me and my work at www.thepeacefulparent.com. I would love to hear from you and you can reach me directly at ...
[email protected]
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