The Book of Chaos

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-><]=Nepos Zir Comselha, Lord of the Temple, BA,PhD,KSC,ASM,MCI,ASCAP,DQ,KFC,ASAP -=[><]=ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Editor's Note: READ THIS BOOK NEXT! This is the Book to follow the Principia Discordia. The Book of Chaos is to be a mystical guide to the original text. Originally, the Book of Chaos was discovered under Memorial Circle of Texas Tech University in Lowbuttocks, Texas, written in blood and bound in human flesh. This transcript is not the full version, for only one person has ever dared to read the original in its entire, Father Fallatio, ex-Lord of the Temple; he suffered from too much of Eris' gift of insanity and soon became an insurance salesman. This e-text version was written without the consent of any POEE priest, or The President of the United States. (C)opycat 1995 by No One in Particular. All rights reversed. Keep the Freedom alive. Don't blow it all on money.

ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ DISCLAIMER The authors of this text take no responsibility for the raping fnord of your various glands. Several phrases, when spoken Five and Fifty times around a pentacle, will cause the summoning of horrible demons and unspeakables fnord. We take no responsibility for your safety. You have been warned fnord. Remember the Highest Law of the Discordian Society: Believe not what you read. Therein lies the key to Illumination! -The Mgt. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ BOOK 0 As Transcended upon Zir Comselha by The Goddess. 1 2

All Hail Discordia! Hail Eris in the highest of the Pancreas! I stood before the gates to the Holy Freezer, entering a trance for the mystic communication with the Divine Pancreas. 3 The Goddess of All that is Not, the Lord of Nits, and Duchess of Burgess, came before me with her blazing CHAO upon her breast, and sayeth her image unto my lowly self: 4 "Indulge thyself with my Fruit." 5 And I, soon to be Lord of the Temple, asked with confusion: "And what is thy Holy Fruit?" 6 She blessed me with a response: "Hot dogs nix the buns." 7 I then, in my innocence asked: "But why ban the bready buns?" 8 She did laugh then with great spirit, verily, with all her spirit. Her tongue did then lash across the airs and then didst mine ears, ready for her word, hear: "Thine hair is like turnips." 9 Then she did vanish from mine eyes and ears and tongue and nose and skin, to return to her rest in the Divine Pancreas, Temple of Discordia. 10 Upon her words I slept for Five days and Five nights, hoping that osmosis would aid me in understanding.

17 Then did I Understand, verily, and thence I became Illuminated in the Goddess's Light. Then I did truly become the Lord of the Temple. ABRACADABRA

"Beware of Cabbages. They are everywhere." -The Amazing Banana ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ

The Hymn of the Sneed Discordians Everything is Nothing Nothing is Everything Something, though, is not Everything Nor is Something Nothing And Everything is Half-Off on Fridays

Chorus: ABRACADABRA HOCUS-POCUS ABRACADABRA

ILLUMINISM IS CONTROLLING YOUR REALITY ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ selections from THE BOOK OF OBNOXIOUS USELESS LISTS The Little Gods of the Temple I. The Five Forms of Eris 1. Discordia 2. Eris 3. Chaos 4. The Mysterious Defender (The only male manifestation of Eris) 5. Fire II. The 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Retired Gods (or the Ones Who Got Tired of the Whining) Murray (the Little Yellow Stone God) Dionysus Tizzy (a computer hacker) Meg (a feminist) Alexis (a Wall Street broker)

III. Elder Things (or the Servants of the Retired Gods) 1. Wytysydg 2. Nyuknyuknyukyaschlep (TM) 3. Tsaggywahaha (a convert) 4. Qwertyuiop'asdfghjkl'zxcvbnm (The Horror Whose Name Cannot Be Pronounced) 5. Bowley* (another convert) IV. Unknown Superiors 1. Terry the Terrible (who sometimes manifests as Bob Dole or any other TV evangelist, and every so often runs for President of the U.S.) 2. Malaclypse the Younger (it's unknown to him he's one of them) 3. Wakko 4. Yakko 5. Dot (The Warner Sister) V. Founders of the Temple 1. Zir Comselha 2. Padre Martini 3. The Amazing Banana (squire to The Mysterious Defender) 4. The Mgt. 5. The Little Gods of the Temple * See Konx Om Pax ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Five Modern Muses I. II. III. IV. V.

The The Her The The

Muse of Muse of younger Muse of Muse of

Mass-Communications Propaganda sister, The Muse of Advertising Information Credit (A.K.A. Pound Foolish)

It has been discovered that the Book of Chaos was actually written in a brown marker on dried banana peals. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A TALE OF THE GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA FOR DISTURBED LITTLE CHILDREN [To the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"] 1. On top of Olympus, All covered with gods, I lost my gold apple When somebody snubbed. 2. It rolled to the wedding, And before six feet, And then my gold apple Was read by three. 3. They fought for possession, A big cat fight; And then my gold apple Was given to Zeus. 4. He looked at the goddesses And trembled with fear, And then my gold apple Was sent to a shepherd-boy. 5. This caused confusion, And Eris laughed, And then great Discordia Left while eating a hot dog without the bun.

DO NOT BELIEVE THIS LAW -An extension to a Discordian Law ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HERE NOW STATED IS THE ONLY TRUTH OF THE DISCORDIANS, REVEALED AT LAST, FOR THE FIRST TIME, REPRINT #3: EVERYTHING IS TRUE, EVEN THIS STATEMENT AND FALSE THINGS AND AMBIGUOUS THINGS AND HALF TRUE THINGS AND IRRELEVANT THINGS AND MEANINGLESS THINGS AND TRUE THINGS; THIS STATEMENT IS FALSE. Herein lies the key to Illuminism! -The Mgt. "Cookie Monster is the Harry Krishna!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PROOF THAT THE ILLUMINATI ARE CONTROLLING THIS WORLD By Nepos Zir Comselha The Rosicrucian Order, A.K.A. The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, crafted to its present form in England by S.L. MacGregor Mathers, are said to have been created by the Templar "Christian Rosencreutz." They are known to have the Inner, or Invisible, Heads of the order, called "The Secret Chiefs." Aleister Crowley took this idea and called them the A.ù.A.ù., and are defined as the hidden beings who have guided mankind's evolution since the birth of the humans, and perhaps even back to the birth of Goddess herself.

Crowley, in a very minute location in his _The Confessions of Aleister Crowley_, states that Adam Weishaupt, the founder of the Illuminati, is "the man we knew as Christian Rosencreutz." (839) In 'Two Fragments of a Ritual', Crowley states that they were based on rituals found among Weishaupt's papers, and upon examination they prove to be similar to the sexual magic of the O.T.O. (the organization rebuilt by Crowley). Combining these facts, we discover a terrible truth: these "Secret Chiefs" which stand as gods to the humans, are in fact the same beings which Weishaupt used in his rituals. Therefore, even the gods are conspiring against humanity. We must stop to wonder if Eris is among them, guiding we Discordians along the chosen path of the Illuminati. If this be true, then humans have no one to trust but themselves, and by principle must rebel against these originators of the Illuminati: the gods and goddesses. "Everyone is immortal... until they die." -Z.C. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Herein lies the key to Illuminism!" -The Mgt. (The greatest Untruth of Discordians

-Z.C.)

---------- * ---------A GUIDE TO ILLUMINATION FOR THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY ---------- * ---------BY NEPOS ZIR COMSELHA

0.

INTRODUCTION AND ARGUMENT

There has been a great lack of the enlightened folk within the Discordian movement. Little has been done to remedy the situation. Indeed, there has been too much information available, written by both those who are enlightened and those who think they are, which only muddles the situation and confuses initiates. Few realize that within the fourth edition of the ~Principia Discordia~ lies many "keys" to Illumination. For scattered about the many humorous and ambiguous verses of this text lies Truth. Though is is true for all religions that have survived the test of time, it proves a vital point: Discordianism is an actual religion, and as a real belief system (BS), it can be studied in a serious manner. Of course, as Discordianism being innately humorous, the humor must not be analyzed, for this ruins the humor and causes people to make death threats to those who analyze the jokes. The purpose behind this text is to guide all to Illumination. Unfortunately, the method of this work is to blatantly state the facts of enlightenment, which may cause many people to merely have knowledge of the Light, but not understand it. Possessing knowledge and understanding are two entirely separate things.

This is why the mystics of old put many truths and mysteries into proverbs and trite sayings; when the initiate meditates upon these, an understanding comes upon the initiate and it comes closer to Illumination. A note about the use of the Politically Qorrect (PQ) English: this text, when mentioning individuals not specified, uses the neuter to avoid unwieldy terms such as "he/she" and to refrain from inventing new words which only cause confusion. It is also a result of the heavy influence Political Qorrectness has over all speech and written word. In short, my method is protest. I. WHAT IS REALLY MEANT BY THE PHRASE: "TO BE ILLUMINATED?" Every science and every hobby has its own language. For instance, with the reference guide of a Webster's Dictionary, one would have a troublesome time deciphering a car fanatic's conversation or a statistic report. They have created a new field of vocabulary in which to better describe their perceptions of the Universe. And like these groups, the mystical groups have created their own language. The term "illuminate" comes from the Latin "illuminare," to light up (the pluperfect case of this verb is "illuminatus"). Another word associated with this is "enlightenment." "Illuminati" are ones who are, or profess, to have special intellectual or spiritual enlightenment, or understanding. You may be asking, "why the hell does all this have to do with light? According to many mystic sources (A.E. Waite, Israel Regardie, Aleister Crowley, Madam Blavatsky, etc.), it originates with the Astral Light, also calle d LVX, from the Latin, or rarely "Khabs am Pekht" or "Konx om Pax," each meaning "Light in Extension." The Buddhists call it "Infinite Light." This association of light and ideas is thought to originate from the medieval Gnostics, though the Orient had been doing so for many hundreds of years before that. The idea eventually spread that "light" and "thought" are related, eventually ending up in such mundane things as cartoons with a light bulb over a person's head to illustrate the creative process. The word Illuminated, capitalized, has come to mean in mystic circles "possessing the wisdom of the Universe." It is the goal of the Buddhists, to "become Enlightened" or "attain Buddhahood." It allows man to be master of his environment. To the novice, the goals are power. Unfortunately, as one becomes Illuminated, the trap of fate becomes realized, and, while the power itself is still mighty, the ability to implement the power is minuscule. While Enlightenment requires huge amounts of time and patience to achieve, the end result makes the time spent worthwhile. The reason the above part of the implementation of the power is not mentioned in most books is because if it was well known, almost all would-be spiritualists would refuse to take the time to become Enlightened. II.

WHAT THE HELL IS "ILLUMINISM?"

A few books, including a few of my own, include the term "Illuminism" in their pages. This has baffled many as to the grammar correctness of the term. As it stands, it is ambiguous, meaning "the doctrine of Illumination," "the act, practice or result of Illumination," "an abnormal condition caused by Illumination," the condition of being Illuminated," "the collective whole of the Illuminated," or "devotion to Illumination (or the Illuminated)." This is one of the many keys to Illumination: if the author really knew what it was writing/talking about, all of these meanings are correct. If this idea of examining the grammatical case of all words is utilized with such magnitude, and

also with the actual words as well, one simple phrase has many meanings. To quote the Principia, p 00054, "An Illuminated Mind can see all of these, yet he does not insist that any one is true." This is the First Key to Illumination: "Everything that is possible, is." III. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE ILLUMINATI? The Illuminati are the collected whole of the Illuminated ones, or the enlightened ones. Supposedly, it is they who control the world and everything. This is a load of bullshit and should be recognized as such. Any one who says they belong to a group that controls the world should join YOUR subversive organization. After all, every conspiring organization needs fanatics to tell the world that their group controls everything. In light of Chapter II, however, one should recognize that the Illuminati actually exist, though they do not control the world. Even if they do control the world, it is pointless to argue it because they would never allow us to be sure one way or another that they _do_ have absolute power. I have studied with several Illuminati members, and I was able to uncover some startling information (their initials are E.V.V.V.E., W.R., P.A.N., Q.B.L.H., and three others). The actual initiated order's members, left over from Weishaupt's secret society, hide themselves in small enclaves deep within scattered Masonic lodges, varied Rosicrucian orders, and the Catholic Church. Many members are practicing psychiatrists, an occupation well suited to their talents gained through their magical practices. Several have political positions, in fact I know of one Illuminati member who, as of 1993, is a Senator, but I am not at liberty to say whom. Five members are in the C.I.A., five more are in the Mafia, seventeen in the National Security Agency, and three in the F.B.I. I have not been able to discover any within the Secret Service. In Europe, two are in Ireland, eight in Great Britain, four in France, three in Italy, sixteen in West Germany, and one in Israel. All these numbers are accurate to 1993. The order's rites and rituals have not been published in English yet, but fortunately the members I talked to were helpful in revealing to me several rites of initiation. They shall be covered in Chapter VI. IV. A BACKGROUND OF THE ILLUMINATI The best pre-breakup history of the Illuminati I have read in English was from Gould's History of Freemasonry Throughout the World, Vol. 4, p. 357-9: THE ILLUMINATI The secret society of the Illuminati of Bavaria is connected with the Masonic Brotherhood by the feeblest thread imaginable. Nevertheless some space must be devoted to the consideration of its history, because its suppression entailed the extinction of Freemasonry throughout Bavaria and a great part of Southern Germany, a blow from which, after the lapse of a century, the Fraternity had not recovered. Professor Adam Weishaupt was born at the university town of Ingolstadt in Bavaria, February 6, 1748. He attended the schools there, which were directed by the Jesuits - expelled in 1773 - but instead of becoming their deciple acquired a bitter hatred of the Order and of its aims. In 1772 and 1775 he was appointed to important chairs in the university in place of his former teachers and this fact, together with his well-known disapproval of their doctrines, earned him the implacable enmity of the followers of Loyola, to whose intrigues he was incessantly exposed. He then conceived the idea of

combating his foes with their own weapons and forming a society of young men, enthusiastic in the cause of humanity, who should gradually be trained to work as one man to one end - the destruction of evil and the enhancement of good in this world. Unfortunately he had unconsciously imbibed that pernicious doctrine that the end justifies the means - erroneously ascribed to the Jesuits - and his whole plan reveals the effects of that teaching. His deciples were gradually to be prepared for the great work and those who were deemed fit to be admitted. Each novice knew none of his companions, only his immediate teacher. After the proper schooling he was advanced a step and learned to know others, till he himself became a teacher. Throughout the whole system a course of espionage prevailed, - each member reported on the others to his immediate superior, who reported again higher up; oral and written confession to one's superior was inculcated; and, finally, all the threads converged to Weishaupt's own hands. He subsequently confessed that he had determined to use the weapons of his enemies, but which he meant to employ for good purposes only. He does not appear to have foreseen that he was creating an ~imperium in imperio~ - a dangerous secret society - which, had it increased, might have been as great a foe to all good government as the Jesuits themselves, an engine which he was not personally strong enough to direct, whereas if the control fell into the hands of unscrupulous leaders, its effects were bound to be inexpressibly mischievous. The man himself was without guile, ignorant of men, knowing them only by books, a learned professor, an enthusiast who took a wrong course in all innocence and the faults of his head have been heavily visited upon his memory in spite of the rare qualities of his heart. The first members of the new society were enrolled May 1, 1766 and, at that time, none of them were Freemasons, although Weishaupt confesses that he had conceived a very high estimate of the Craft. In the early part of 1777, however, he was initiated in a Strict Observance Lodge in Munich - Lodge of Caution - and it is therefore not surprising to find that he afterwards destined the Craft to play a very subordinate r le in his system. One of his followers, Franz Xaver von Zwackh - initiated November 27, 1788* - is said to have proposed to utilize Freemasonry, to which Weishaupt agreed, arranging that all the Areopagites or leaders of divisions in the first series should pass through the Degrees of the Craft and, if capable, be further initiated in the so-called Scots Degree. For those who proved unworthy of further trust this was to be the end. They were not to be allowed to suspect any further trust this was to be the end. The elect, however, were to pass on into the directing Degrees. So far, the operations had been confined to Southern and Roman Catholic Germany. In Frankfort he made the acquaintance of the Baron von Knigge - a Saxe-Weimar Privy Councillor, a celebrated novelist and a lovable enthusiast, who was gifted with a most ingratiating address (born 1752; died 1796). Knigge was initiated at Cassel in 1772 and received the high Templar Degrees in 1779, which he found disappointing. Costanzo revealed the existence of the Illuminati to him and he entered heart and soul into the spirit of the project. It is remarkable that all the prominent members of this association were estimable men, both in public and private life. Knigge was under the impression that the society was of some standing, not the creation of yesterday. His enthusiasm made converts in every direction of the better class of Masons, who were rapidly becoming tired of the Strict Observance and its aimless pursuits. These converts, after some time, naturally demanded of Knigge the Rituals, etc., of the new Freemasonry, when he found, to his consternation, that Weishaupt had so far only perfected the Minerval Degrees, or those preparatory to the Craft which, as above said, was to act as a filter and reservoir for the advanced Degrees. Weishaupt had, however, made a large collection of materials which he unreservedly placed in Knigge's hands for elaboration. Knigge worked at these and, meanwhile, at the Wilhelmsbad Congress, made another important convert of Bode, of whom something is said in another connection. The Rituals completed, Weishaupt and

Knigge quarrelled over the details and the consequent retirement of the latter in 1784 was the first deadly blow to the organization. At this time the system was arranged as follows: A. Nursery. - 1ø, Preparatory Literary Essay; 2ø, Novitiate; 3ø, Minerval Degree; 4ø, Minor Illuminatus; 5ø, Magistratus. B. Symbolic Masonry. - 1ø, Apprentice; 2ø, Fellow Craft; 3ø, Master; 4ø, Scot - divided into Major Illuminatus and Directing Illuminatus. C. Mysteries. - 1ø, Lesser; a., Priest; b., Prince; 2ø, Greater; a.,Magnus; b., Rex (these latter were never completed). By this time the association had created a great stir. The Masonic Rosicrucians and the suppressed Jesuits made open war upon it in public print and by private intrigue. The good intentions of the leaders were skillfully repressed; the dangerous organization of the society was as skillfully revealed. The first mutterings of the ominous thundercloud of Revolution were already making themselves heard across the French frontier and statesmen were fully justified in dispersing the society of the Illuminati, although all its enemies' accusations of revolutionary tendencies may confidently and absolutely be disbelieved. A rejected candidate, Strobl, a publisher, printed a pamphlet in 1783 denouncing the society; the Lodge of the Three Globes issued a circular warning Masons against it in the same year; several professors and men of learning, who had seen the impracticability and danger of the scheme, publicly recanted about the same time. On June 22, 1784, an Electoral edict suppressed not only the Illuminati, but likewise all Freemasonry throughout Bavaria. Both Masons and Illuminati obeyed and even offered to produce all their papers as a proof of innocence. They were not afforded the opportunity of clearing themselves. A second edict followed, March 2, 1785, although it is an historical fact that both societies had scrupulously obeyed the first. Then followed an era of persecution; the unfortunate accused were denied the privilege of trial and, with the exception of those very highly placed, languished for years in prison. Weishaupt was forced to fly, leaving his wife in childbed and took refuge with Duke Ernest II of Saxe-Gotha, a Freemason, to whom he became Councillor, dying in 1830. Costanzo was cashiered and exiled to Italy; Zwackh fled. The Illuminati ceased to exist and, with them, Freemasonry in the South of Germany. This is the only reason which renders them of interest. Their influence, such as it was, came to an end and no trace of it ever reappeared. But this influence must not be appraised too highly. No writer claims a larger membership than 2,000 for the society. On its roll, however, there were some of the greatest names of the age, though its whole existence extended over less than ten years. Authorities consulted: ~Allgemeins Handbuch der Freimaurerei~, s.v. Bronner, Bode, Costanzo, Ditfurth, Illuminaten, Kingge, Kustner, Weishaupt, Zwackh, etc., etc.; Mackey, Woodford, Mackenzie - s.v. Illuminati [Woodford's articel - under the above title (Kenning's ~Encyclop dia), is a model of its kind]; C.C.F.W. von Nettlebladt, ~Geschichte Freimaurerischer Systeme~, Berlin, 1879, pp. 733 et seq.; J.G. Findel, ~Geschichte der Freimaurerei~, 4th German edit., Leipzig, 1878, pp. 443 et seq. [a concise and clear exposition of the subject]; Karl Paul, ~Annalen des Eklektischen Freimaurerbundes~, Frankfort-on-the-Maine, 1883, pp. 7, 226; C.A. Thory, ~Acta Latomorum~, vol. i, pp. 122, 130, 173; Professor Robinson, ~Proofs of a Conspiracy~, etc., 1797, pp. 100-271; W. Preston, ~Illustrations of Masonry~, 12th edit., 1812, pp. 334 et seq.; W. Keller, ~Geschichte der Freimaurerei in Deutschland~, 2nd edit., Giessen, 1859, pp. 187 et seq. * This date is not mistyped, though it could have been a misprint in the original version.

V. THE ILLUMINATI TODAY The present Order of the Illuminati bears little resemblance to its original idea. Most members know each other, since the member list remains quite small: 104 as of 1993. The members are mostly concentrated in America, though widely scattered from Hawaii to Montana Rico to New York. This creates a diversity of resources from which the members may draw upon in their various studies. This elite secret society exists today mainly to raise the spiritual level of the world. They are responsible for the publication and distribution a majority of the "New Age" books, under such names as Weiser and Llewellyn. VI. RITUALS OF INITIATION, OUTER CIRCLE This collection of rituals of initiation into each degree was created so that it may serve as a guide to those who seek the deeper meanings to the Illuminati and Eris's teachings. Some initiations can be done alone, others require many people, and some just the Master and Student. Have fun, and remember: "always unto Chaos, less the Greyface shirk thy soul into abominable stagnancy" Initiation Rite to the Fifth Degree. A. INITIATION RITE TO THE FIRST DEGREE: [This rite was originally published in the Principia Discordia, under the title: THE POEE BAPTISMAL RITE] 1) The Priest and four Brothers are arranged in a pentagon with the center facing the Priest. If possible, the Brothers on the and left of the Priest should be Deacons. The Initiate must be to demonstrate that he is truly a human being and not something disguise like a cabbage or something.

the Initiate in immediate right totally naked, else in

2) All persons in the audience and the pentagon, excepting the Priest, assume a squatting position and return to a standing position. This is repeated four more times. This dance is symbolic of the humility of we Erisians. 3) The Priest begins: I (complete Holy Name, with Mystical Titles, and degrees, designations, offices, &c.), Ordained Priest of the Paratheo-anamystikhood of Eris Esoteric, with the Authority invested at me by the High Priest of It, Office of the Polyfather, The House of the Rising Podge, POEE Head Temple; Do herewith Require of Ye: 1) ARE YE A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A CABBAGE OR SOMETHING? The Initiate answers YES. 2) THAT'S TOO BAD. DO YE WISH TO BETTER THYSELF? The Initiate answers YES. 3) HOW STUPID. ARE YE WILLING TO BECOME PHILOSOPHICALLY ILLUMINATED? He answers YES. 4) VERY FUNNY. WILL YE DEDICATE YESELF TO THE HOLEY ERISIAN MOVEMENT? The Initiate answers PROBABLY. 5) THEN SWEAR YE THE FOLLOWING AFTER ME: (The Priest here leads the Initiate in a recital of THE ERISIAN AFFIRMATION.) The Priest continues: THEN I DO HERE PROCLAIM YE POEE DISCIPLE (name), LEGIONNAIRE OF THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD. HAIL ERIS! HAIL HAIL! HAIL YES! 4) All present rejoice grandly. The new Brother opens a large jug of wine and offers it to all who are present. 5) The Ceremony generally degenerates.

B. INITIATION RITE TO THE SECOND DEGREE: [Again, published in the Principia Discordia under the title: How to become a POEE Chaplain] 1. 2. 3. 4.

Write the ERISIAN AFFIRMATION in five copies. Sign and nose-print each copy. Send one to The President of the United States. Send one to The California State Bureau of Furniture and Bedding 1021 'D' Street, Sacramento CA 94814 5. Nail one to a telephone pole. Hide one. And burn the other. Then consult your pineal gland. C. RITE OF PASSAGE FOR ENTRANCE TO THE THIRD DEGREE: [This is a hitherto undiscovered rite, and was presented to Adam Weishaupt by way of his pineal gland, which is on display in the Salt Lake City Museum of Unnatural History. This version was only available to the author in French, translated from the original German ] La c r monie au cours de laquelle le Novice promu la classe sup rieure devenait Disciple de Minerve ou Minerval* s'appelait l'Initiation. Elle avait lieu soit le jour dans un endroit solitaire et un peu sombre, par exemple dans une for t, soit pendant la nuit, dans une pi ce retir e et tranquille, Pheure o la lune brille au ciel. Notre satellite devait d'ailleurs se contenter de jouer son r le la contonnade, car les fen tres taient herm tiquement term es. Les portes de la pi ce o avait lieu l'Initiation, ainsi que celles de la pi ce pr c dente, taient verrouill es pendant la c r monie. Dans un coin se dressait une table sur laquelle br lait une lape huile donnant une faible lumi re. Dans le coin oppos tait une autre table clair e de la m me mani re. Au fond de la for t ou dans cette chambre solitaire le r cipiendaire se trouvait en pr sence d'un inconnu d'un aspect imposant, l'Initiant*, portant deux manuscrits dont l'un contenait les questions et l''autre les r ponses et qui, pour plus de commodit , taient crits comme les r les de th tre avec la fin des r pliques. Voici le dialogue que lisaient alternativement ® haute et inteligible voix et avec une solennelle leteur‾ les deux personnages de cette sc ne myst rieuse, debout l'ombre des arbres ou assis leurs tables respectives: Initians: ®X. (nom de guerre du Novice) que d sirez-vous?‾ Initiandus: ®Auguste mebre de l'Ordre S r nissime dans lequel je d sire tre re u, le temps de mon stage est coul , je parais ici sur votre ordre et manifeste nouveau, apr s y avoir m rement r fl chi pendant deux ann es, le d sir d' tre admis dans la Classe Sup rieure, si la S r nissime Soci t me juge digne de cette faveur.‾ Initians: ®J'ai transmis vos notes, envoy les t moignages de votre z le, on vous a trouv digne de devenir un des n tres, je vous en f licite et vous avertis en m me temps d'ob ir exactement tout ce qui vous sera ordonn . Deux ans de r flexion et d'exp rience, de commerce assidu avec un des membres de notre Soci t , l' tude des documents qui vous ont t communiqu s, ainsi que les renseignements que vous avez re us, ont d n cessairement vous faire comprendre que le but supr me de notre Soci t n'est pas du tout de conqu rir la puissance et la richesse, de saper les bases du gouvernement s culier ou spirituel, de dominer le monde, etc... Si vous vous tes repr sent notre Soci t sous ce point de vue, ou si vous y tres entr dans cette esp rance, vous vous tes grossi rement tromp et comme cette Soci t a un tout autre but, elle vous donne ici par ma bouche la permission de vous s parer d'elle

compl tement si vous le voulez, sous la seule condition d'une discr tion inviolable. Vous tes aussi libre qu'auparavant. La Soci t ne pr tend aucun droit sur vous, et, moins que vous ne l'attaquiez, elle ne fera rien contre vous. En revanche vous n'aurez rien attendre d'elle part les devoirs qu'imposent ses membres envers vous les lois et Phumanit . Persistez-vous encore dans votre r solution?‾ Initiandus: ®J'y persiste et demande

tre re u.‾

Initians: ®Avez-vous aussi suffisamment r fl chi aux nouvelles obligations que vous allez contracter et qui restreindront votre libert naturelle, aux ordres d sagr ables que vous pourrez recevoir? Avez-vous pens que vous pouvez rencontrer parmi nous des personnes qui vous seront antipathiques, qui peut- tre m me sont vos ennemis, que vous pourrez par suite tre tent de d sob ir vos Sup rieurs et de vous parjurer contre toute la Soci t ?‾ L'Initiandus assurait avoir m rement r fl chi, il se disait convaincu que l'ind pendance absolue est mauvaise pour l'homme et que tous les ordres que lui donnerait la Soci t ne porraient jamais avoir d'autre but que son bien et celui de l'humanit . Enfin il se d clarait pr t regarder tous les membres de l'Ordre comme dignes de son affection puisque l'Ordre S r nissime les avait jug s dignes de la sienne. L'Initians reprenait: ®Moi (nom de guerre), repr sentant de l'Ordre qui m'a donn pleins pouvoirs cet effet, je loue vos dispositions, mais avant que je vous permette d'entrer dans l'Ordre, je veux savoir sous quelles conditions vous entendez y tre admis.‾ Initiandus: ®Je reconnais la S r nissime Soci t et vous qui la repr sentez ici, tous les droits sur moi, abandon qui implique pour elle le devoir de veiller ma s ret et de s'occuper de mon vrai bien dans la mesre o il s'accorde avec le bien et la prosp rit de la Soci t elle-m me. En revanche je m'engage lui ob ir, la respecter, employer toutes mes forces dans son int r t. Mais si l'exp rience venait m'apprendre qu'elle ne cherche qu' me causer des dommages r els et non pas seulement imaginaires, qu' faire de moi l'instrument de ses vis es go stes et abuser de ma bonne solont , alors je la maudirais, je la consid rerais comme mon ennemie. Si j' tais trop faible pour rejeter son joug, je ne le supporterais qu'avec col re et l'esclave de cette Soci t deviendrait son pire ennemi secret.‾ Initians: ®Votre d sir est juste et raisonnable, aussi je vous promets au nom de nos S r nissimes Sup rieurs, au nom de tous les membres de l'Ordre, protection, justice et assistance. Par contre la Soci t ne prend aucun engagement au sujet des ennuis que vous vous seriez attir s par votre faute ou pour avoir de cette Soci t deviendrait son pire ennemi secret.‾ A ce moment l'Initians tirait son p e, en appuyait la pointe sur la poitrine du r cipiendaire et changeant brusquement de ton lui disait d'une voix terrible en l'interpellant par son nom de guerre: ®Mais si tu devais devenir un tra tre et un parjure, vois dans cette p e tous les membres de la Soci t en armes contre toi. O que tu fuies alors, ne te crois jamais en s ret . La honte et les reproches de ta conscience, la vengeance de tres fr res inconnus, te poursuivont et tortureront jusqu'au plus profond de toi-m me. Maintenant, ajoutait-il en prenant un air plus doux, si vos dispositions n'ont pas chang , vous allez pr ter le serment.‾ Il ordonnait alors au r cipiendaire de se mettre genoux, lui faisait placer une main plat sur la t te* et c'est dans cette posture incommode que le nouveau Minerval lisait une longue formule o il reconnaissait ®devant Dieu tout-puissant et le respectable repr sentant de la S r nissime Soci t dans laquelle il demandait tre admis, que tout homme a besoin de ses semblables‾. Il s'engageait ®un silence ternel, une fid lit

inviolable, une ob issance aveugle tous les Sup rieurs et tous les commandements de l'Ordre‾. Il promettait de sacrifier ses int r ts particuliers ceux de la Soci t , de chercher tous les moyens licites d'augmenter sa puissance, de consid rer tous ses amis et ennemis comme les siens propres, ®de mettre son service sa fortune, son honneur et son sang‾ Comme garantie de la sinc rit de son serment il ajoutait: ®S'il m'arrivait jamais d'agir contre les r glements ou les int r ts de la Soci t S r nissime avec pr m ditation, par passion ou par m chancet , je me soumets tous les ch timents et punitions que mes Sup rieurs pourront m'infliger. Je renonce toute restriction mentale et fais cette promesse suivant les intentions de la Soci t qui me demande de pr ter ce serment. Que Dieu me soit en aide si j'ai parl sinc rement!‾ Si le r cipiendaire exprimait de scrupules que l"initiant ne se croyait pas en tat de lever, la c r monie tait interrompue provisoirement, mais il fallait que les scrupules invoqu s fussent tr s graves, dans le cas contraire les points litigieux taient r serv s, l'Initiant promettant de donner les claircissements r clam s quand il aurait re u les instructions n cessaires. Si le Novice effray par les engagements formels qu'on lui demandait de prendre renon ait entrer dans la classe Minervale, l'Initiant ne cherchait pas le retenir et le laissait partir avec la plus grande politesse apr s lui avoir impos un silence rigoureux. * The footnote here at the bottom of the original page is illegible. * Ces fonctions devaient, d'apr s le r glement, tre l'office particulier d'un membre de l'Ordre ®que sa taille, sa voix pos e et grave, son ext rieur majestueux, mettaient m me de donner cette c r monie toute la solennit qui lui convient‾ * Ce geste signifiait que l'Initi mettait sa t te aux pieds de l'Ordre et le reconnaissait commeautorit supr me. (Proc s-verbal de la session de l'Ar opage du 22 Septembre 1780. B.U.M.A.3.) D. RITE OF INITIATION FOR THE FOURTH DEGREE [This ritual was first performed by Adam Weishaupt, minutes after the Goddess divined upon him the mysteries of this ritual. It is to be done in a government office building, where Order seems to be prevalent but in reality the foundation is pure Chaos; a perfect location for meditating with one's pineal gland. Be sure to wear bright, polychromatic clothing such as tie-dye.] [STUDENT kneels on pillow with favorite cartoon character drawn five times upon it.] STUDENT: [performs the Official Discordian Blessing upon himself, starting and finishing by pointing to his pineal gland.] STUDENT: [with hands raised to the air] O! Hail to thee, Goddess, power beautiful, Chaos incarnate: Mistress of the Night and Day, Discordia! Homage to thee, who hast come as Eris to the Greeks, Discordia to the Romans, Entropy to the Scientists, Money to the Europeans, and Goddess to the Americans! ONLOOKER 1: Shut up! I can't concentrate! ONLOOKER 2: Get off my desk! ONLOOKER 3: Who's he/she/it? I don't remember anything about a new temp here. ONLOOKER 4: Hmm... who's this Goddess he's/she's/it's talking about? Sounds interesting! STUDENT: [Lights candle before it] Here beforest me, thy Third Degree servant, lies my offering to thee, beautiful Inspiration of Men's Dreams: an instrument whose only purpose to bring more Chaos to its surroundings! ONLOOKER 2: Who the hell is this faggot and why is he lighting a candle on

my desk? ONLOOKER 1: I said shut up! ONLOOKER 3: I need a cup of coffee. [Exunt ONLOOKER 4: A Goddess of Chaos? Oh! I see! He's/She's/It's a transfer from the I.R.S.! STUDENT: Hear me now as I bless this Temple! [STUDENT throws ice water, stored in five cups, into random directions] Hail [throw] Eris! [throw] All [throw] hail [throw] Discordia! [throw] ONLOOKER 1: Oh, shit! I worked five days on that project, and now you ruined it! I'll kill you! ONLOOKER 4: No, he's cool. [ONLOOKER 4 throws a cup of coffee into the air] Hail Discordia! It's hailing Discordia! Whee! ONLOOKER 2: I'm calling the manager. He'll know what to do. [Exunt ONLOOKER 1: You stupid fuck! I'll kill you both! [ONLOOKER 4 throws cup of coffee into ONLOOKER 1's face.] [Enter MANAGER] MANAGER: What in all Hell is going on here? [ONLOOKER 4 throws another cup of coffee at MANAGER and laughs] [ONLOOKER 1 jumps on ONLOOKER 4 and starts beating him] [Enter ONLOOKER 2] ONLOOKER 2: Stop it you two! [Runs into fray] [STUDENT gaily dances out of office with pillow, laughing all the way, knowing that the ritual was a success and Eris enlightened it to the Fourth Degree] E. INITIATION RITE TO THE FIFTH DEGREE [This rite shows the Initiate's ability to influence crowds.] DISCIPLE 1: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is, (list titles and degrees of INITIATE), (INITIATE's name)! [Enter INITIATE] INITIATE: Howdy. Here's a little ditty I wrote: I am a lab mouse, I live in a cage. Never had a job, never earned minimum wage. But you will respect me, YES! when my plan is unfurled! You'll call me your leader, I'll be king of the world! CROWD 1: He ain't half bad. CROWD 2: He ain't half good, either. INITIATE: Now, Pinkey! Play the tape! RECORDING OF INITIATE WITH WEIRD, HYPNOTIC BACKGROUND: Worship Eris. There is no Goddess but Eris and She is Your Goddess. You shall always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System. You are required to partake joyously of a Hot Dog on Friday. You shall not partake of of Hot Dog Buns. Do not believe that which is written. CROWD 1: Hey, I feel like eatin' a Hot Dog now. CROWD 2: Yea, but since today's not Friday, I don't want any bun with my Hot Dog. INITIATE: It's a success, Pinkey! My plan has worked! DISCIPLE 1: And remember folks! always unto Chaos, less the Greyface shirk thy soul into abominable stagnancy! VII. HOW TO CONTACT THE ILLUMINATI By virtue and history, the Illuminati are reclusive and tend to abhor outside contact and recognition that they exist. However, due to the present lack of Initiates, they have conceded to revealing their office phone number and mailing address. The Illuminati can be reached by dialing (202) 456-1414. By mail, they can be contacted at the following address:

The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria Rosicrucian Park Dept. GSA San Jose, CA 95191 VIII. OUTER ORDER RITUALS [All of these rituals are derived from the Principia Discordia.] A. SACRED ERISIAN HIGH MASS OF THE KRISPY KREME KABAL Designed by the Reverend DM Psiqosys Reprinted from the Steve Jackson Printing of the P.D. DRAMATIS PERSON #1: High Holy Boss of Religion #2: Great Overseer of Forbidden Arcana #3: Omnipotent Matriarch/Patriarch of The Mystic Realms #4: Most Divine Empirical Pedagogical Wizard #5: Head Enchilada of Miscellany ACT I: The Climatic Sacrament of Ecstatic Communion [All members of the congregation mob around the altar and receive communion of orange juice, dispensed by #2, and donuts (preferably jelly), dispensed by #3. As each congregant receives their portion of the Hostess, they should place their minds into a meditative state by thinking impure thoughts about Goddess, or another member of the congregation.] #5: And Goddess spake: "And when you, my children, have wandered through the night and grown hungry, you shall behold the holy beacon of the donut shop, wherein thou shalt consume donuts in my name." #4: "And you shall fear not the cops and drunkards which abound at such all-night eateries, for they too seek my glory, though they find it not solely through the rites of eating donuts." #1: "But you, my children, have beheld the mysteries of the Golden Apple, and quaffed the pleasant-tasting syrup which flows from within." #5: "For the uninitiated shall not know the full meaning of KALLISTI, for they do not understand Greek!" #4: "And if you, my child, understand Greek, make sure you use some (ahem) protection!" [Officials may ad-lib further, or simply remain silent, depending on how ugly the crowd gets, until everyone has taken communion.] ACT II: The Invocation and Sycophantic Supplication unto Goddess #1: We are gathered here today in the sight of Goddess in order that we might conduct the Sacred High Mass of Eris. #2: Hail Eris, Full of Grace! #3: Holy Queen of Outer Space! #4: Leading Lady of This Place! #4: Hail Eris, Full of Grace! #5: Hail Eris, Lady of Chaos! #3: Hail Eris! All: All Hail Discordia! ACT III: The Sacred Litany All: I say, my dog has no nose! #2: No nose?!? How does he smell?!? All: Bloody awful! #1: LET IT BE KNOWN that Dog spelled backwards is goD! #4: LET IT BE KNOWN that Cow spelled backwards is woC! #3: LET IT BE KNOWN that Pterodactyl spelled backwards is difficult to pronounce!

All: And that's a fact, Jack! ACT IV: The Benevolent Adoration and Implied Genuflection #5: And Goddess spoke, saying "I just flew in from Nirvana." #2: And boy, was that a noisy airplane! #4: And the servant of Goddess sought to know Her, and soon found bliss. #1: And boy, were his arms tired! #3: Let the simulated crowd noise commence! All: Watermelon cantaloupe watermelon cantaloupe (&c. &c.) ACT V: The Malevolent Benediction and Spewing Forth of the Holy Laws #2: [shouting over the simulated crowd noise]: And when Goddess heard the crowds growing restless, She realized they lacked direction. [Continues simulated crowd noise.] #3: And direction She gave them! Goddess towered above the confused hordes, and gave them the twenty-three commandments! [#3 raises hands dramatically, and simulated crowd noise immediately ceases.] #1: Thou shalt have other Goddesses before dinner time! All: Or not! #4: Thou shalt worship worship worship idols! All: Or not! #5: Thou shalt take the Lord's name in vain! All: And what if we don't, GODDAMMIT?! #3: Thou shalt drink beer and listen to Black Sabbath albums! All: Or not! #2: If participating in the three-legged race at the next family reunion, strive for Honorable Mention! All: Or not! #1-#5 simultaneously: KILL! MURDER! MAIM! DESTROY (x5) All but #4: Get serious! #4: Sorry, wrong religion. Thou shalt not commit adulthood! All but #2: Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeeez?!? #2: Well, maybe, if you eat all your peas. Thou shalt go around stealing people in the face for no particular reason. All but #3: I think not! #3: Agreed. Thou shalt not watch America's Most Wanted in hopes of seeing thine next door neighbor. All: Agreed! #1: Thou shalt not, under any circumstance, read this sentence aloud. All but #1: Blasphemer! Blasphemer! Blasphemer! #5: And if you have enjoyed these commandments, and wish to receive more, send 1-800-666-3747 to the post office box not eligible to VISA or Mastercard owners. Allow $23.93 for delivery, C.O.D.'s void with your complementary gift. All: Thank you all, and have a nice day! B. OFFICIAL DISCORDIAN RITUAL OF THE PENTAGRAM [Originally OFFICIAL DISCORDIAN BLESSING] 1: Focus carefully on whatever it is you are blessing. Be careful, for there is a fine line between carefully focusing and maniacal obsession; keep it brief. 2: Form your hand into the "V" symbol. 3: Point said hand at above noted object. 4: Move your hand in a motion which carves out a star in the air*, starting with the top point. As you draw each side, recite the corresponding word in the holy phrase "Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!" 5: Dance any particular form which comes to mind (ex: jig, limbo, lambada, head-bang, etc.) *This act focuses the astral energy, stored in the pineal gland, though the "V" fingers, branding this star into the object on the astral level.

C. A RITUAL TO SUMMON CHAOS IN ILLINOIS The collected servants of Eris must congregate together in Skokie, Illinois, and ask to sign papers to have the Nazi party march there. This act alone should rise enough chaos to please any die-hard Discordian. However, if it does not, then have others come into the town and ask to have the Communist Party, the P.L.O., and Ku Klux Klan march the same day. This, then should make the community go stark raving mad with chaos. IX. THE DISCORDIAN INNER ORDER The Inner Order of the Discordian Society, or IO DiS, was divined upon Malaclypse near the end of his life. He kept this secret from the Principia, for that was the will of Goddess. He gave the teachings of the Inner Order to his select students. This tradition has been carried down through the ages by a few, highly skilled mages. The lessons are now revealed for the first time. The Inner Order has no organized system, only five rites of Initiation declaring the adept's level of attainment to itself when Goddess divines upon it the correct time for the advancement. The main reason for this lack of organization on the part of the adepts here explained: when a large amount of Zen Masters gathers together, a cacophony of babel is spoken. No one can understand another, and absolutely no one is enlightened from the experience. This is why Zen Masters communicate through their students. Amazingly enough, ninety percent of all Inner Order adepts have been women. X. THE INNER ORDER RITES OF INITIATION A. INITIATION RITE INTO THE FIRST DEGREE Goddess: Do ye promise to exercise my Will? Adept: Only when it harmonizes with my own Will. Goddess: Very good. Congratulations. B. SECOND DEGREE RITE OF INITIATION Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will? Adept: Why, is it possessed? Goddess: Very good. Congratulations. C. INITIATORY RITE FOR THE THIRD DEGREE Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will? [long pause] Goddess: Very good. Congratulations. D. RITE OF INITIATION INTO THE FOURTH DEGREE Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will? Adept: Will you get off my ass about exercising your will? I'm getting sick of it! What are you, a robot? Shit! Goddess: Very good. Congratulations. E. RITE OF INITIATION FOR THE FIFTH DEGREE Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will? Adept: Sure, what the hell. Goddess: Very good. Congratulations. [In short, it doesn't matter what the Adept responds with.] XI. INNER ORDER RITUALS [All rituals of the Inner Order are divined upon the Adept at the time of the Ritual, an apparent impromptu to all onlookers.]

XII. THE DISCORDIAN HIGH ORDER The Highly Illuminated German Hugenots Grand Order of Discordia, or HIGH GOD, has absolutely no order. The only ritual of Initiation is the Initiation into the Order. Some adepts in the Order proclaim that there are five levels of Initiation, others claim that there are five-thousand forty six levels, others still say that there is no limit to the height of initiation, and a very small amount declare that there is no HIGH GOD. Therefore, it can be concluded that Goddess tells Her initiates whatever she pleases. The purpose of this Order is unknown even to the most elevated adepts. Amazingly, one hundred percent of all High Order adepts are men. XIII. THE HIGH ORDER RITE OF INITIATION GODDESS: Are you satisfied with your position in life? ADEPT: I like it, and I don't like it. And I also do not like liking it and not liking it while also like liking it and not liking it, ad infinitam ad nausiam. GODDESS: Hmm... And do you like being in a void of neither and both at the same time? ADEPT: Forty-two. GODDESS: Er... I see. How many fingers am I holding up? ADEPT: Monday. GODDESS: When were you last Initiated? ADEPT: Thank you. GODDESS: I see. You don't know a thing of what you're talking about. Go back to reality. ADEPT: Yes, I am. XIV. HIGH ORDER RITUALS [There are no such thing as rituals for High Order Adepts] XV. THE ILLUMINATED ORDER OF DISCORDIA Upon entering the Bright Ancient Victims Against Rodents and Insignificant Ants, or BAVARIA, Order is immediately flung upon the Adept, which is apparent in the initial Rite of Initiation. Only one rite could be put in this text, for there wasn't enough space to put any more. Amazingly, five percent of all Adepts in the Illuminated Order are neither men nor women, while the remaining are unsure. XVI. THE ILLUMINATED ORDER RITES OF INITIATION [Abridged] GODDESS: So, ya want to be initiated to the Illuminated Order? ADEPT: Yes. GODDESS: Do you think you're ready?

ADEPT: I am. GODDESS:

Okay. Wait a sec while I get the paper work.

[ADEPT waits five years and five days] GODDESS: Whew! Here ya go. Good luck! Fill them all out in triplicate! [Paper work deleted for space] [Twenty-five years later] GODDESS: Are ya finished? ADEPT: [feebly] Not quite. GODDESS: Well, get going then! [Three-thousand one-hundred twenty-five years later and five seconds] GODDESS: Finished yet? ADEPT: [dead] GODDESS: Damn! Lost another one! And he only had one more signature left! Bloody shame. XVII. ILLUMINATED ORDER RITUALS [None have ever been revealed] XVIII. THE ANCIENT ILLUMINATED SEERS OF BAVARIA This order is reserved for only the greatest of all Illuminated Order Adepts. Absolutely nothing has been TRUTHFULLY revealed about this group, except that only zucchini are allowed into this extremely secretive society. XIX. RITES OF INITIATION FOR THE AISB [None have ever been revealed to non-zucchini.] XX. HOW CAN I BECOME ILLUMINATED? The Discordian order's Illumination process first begins with discovering how one is to be initiated into the High Order. This usually starts by figuring out the Official Discordian Document Numbering System. When the Initiate discovers the hidden secrets of this system, the initiation rites will become obvious. A main point must be made: the statement on p. 00054, "Convictions make convicts," is incredibly important. This is one of the main key points to the Discordian philosophy. Learn it and understand it and live it and your travel to Illumination shall be close at hand. XXI. HYMNS In order to keep with the humorous tone of the Discordian Society, I have decide d to accumulate all known Discordian songs in this part. THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY words by Lord Omar VERSE 1: Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao;

It is hov'ring o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb; Her Apple Corps is strong! CHORUS Grand (and gory) Old Discord-ja! Grand (and gory) Old Discord-ja! Grand (and gory) Old Discord-ja! Her Apple Corps is strong! VERSE 2: She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak; So She threw a Golden Apple, 'stead of turn'd t' other cheek! O it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak; Her Apple Corps is strong! [extended version, by Robert Anton Wilson] CHORUS VERSE 3: Mine eyes have seen Saddam Hussein with the ~Koran~ upon his knee A-typing out communiques for all the world to see: "Our missiles just hit Tel Aviv and God is full of glee, Islam goes marching on!" [an even further extended version, by Nepos Zir Comselha] CHORUS VERSE 4: She has played upon the tuba which has never seen the Light She is cutting out the bowels of men and filling them with blight She has declared her war upon the Order and their might Her Apple Corps is strong! CHORUS [the fifth verse has yet be translated from its original tongues)

ERIS THE CHAOTIC words by Nepos Zir Comselha music by Samuel Ward VERSE 1: For Eris and Discordia, volcanoes do erupt, For chaos and mayhem, we promise to corrupt! Discordia! Discordia! You show thy Chao to me, And illuminate and propagate, let all the masses flee! VERSE 2: O chaotic bureaucracy, thy hiring of jerks, We would do well to imitate your sacred paperwork! Discordia! Discordia! The Goddess is for all, Defend thy thoughts with guns a lot, and we shall grow so tall!

AMERIKKKA (for the Discordian Anarchists)

words by Nepos Zir Comselha music by Henry Carey VERSE 1: This coun-try sucks big balls, a land of gigantic malls, Go fuck yourself; Land where pigs beat my friends, Land where you drive Mercadies Benz. A bomb inside all your pens, Makes freedom sing. VERSE 2: Eris shall have revenge, For She has many friends: They have big guns; I hate your income tax, And hate how the laws do lack Any 'semblance to the Constitution Here's dynamite in the Capitol. VERSE 3: Why do those stupid men Try to control my life: They have bigger guns. We shall overthrow the state, And send you to your fate. I've got a bullet for your mate: You can kiss my ass. AN ERISIAN HYMN words by Dr. Mungojerry Gridlebone, KOB Episkopos, The Rayville Apple Panthers (this song works best if sung with an "Oh" in front of each line) Onwards Christian Soldiers, Onwards Buddhist Priests. Onward, Fruits of Islam, Fight till you're deceased. Fight your little battles. Join in thickest fray; For the Greater Glory of Discordia Yea, yea yea yea yea-yea, yea. Thpffffffffft! WE THREE MEN words by Nepos Zir Comselha music by John Henry Hopkins VERSE 1: We three men, illuminated, Making the world liberated, Freeing minds and refusing fines, Nothing confiscated. CHORUS: YeaEris, Goddess, grant us Light, Arming masses with thy might, Onward moving, still are looting,

Come on, baby, hear Her Word! VERSE 2: If you do in Her partake, You will eat lots of pancakes, If you choose, you may refuse, To find the fakes. CHORUS

A TALE OF THE GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA FOR DISTURBED LITTLE CHILDREN [To the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"] words by Zir Comselha VERSE 1: On top of Olympus, All covered with gods, I threw my gold apple When Jupiter snubbed. VERSE 2: It rolled to the wedding, And before six feet, And then my gold apple Was read by three. VERSE 3: They fought for possession, A big cat fight; And then my gold apple Was given to Zeus. VERSE 4: He looked at the goddesses And trembled with fear, And then my gold apple Was given to a shepherd-boy. VERSE 5: This caused confusion, And Eris laughed, And then great Discordia Left while eating a hot dog without the bun.

A SONG ABOUT THIS BOOK [A translation from a Latin Gregorian Chant; hum along if you know the tune] Oh, Great Eris! Why must my drivel continue? You know as well as I do that THIS BOOK IS FALSE. [remember, this is _sung_, All but this chapter and the twentieth are shit. not read] Actually, the selection from the Masonic book is true, and so is the French translation of the Illuminati initiation ritual but no one needs to know that. Let them eat dye and shit colors! Oh, Eris! Let's nuke the world together and let the vultures pick apart historians! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What rolls down T3s, boosts connect fees, and makes your throughput drag? Makes it tough to hack, won't get off your back, it's lag lag lag!

A sucking chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down. Mashed potatoes can be your friend. 'Twas Brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe. If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in braille. If you have to ask, you're not allowed to know. Nothing quite like the feel of something new... The Delta-United Ring Formation Theory states that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. When the naive man admits his naivete, he is no longer naive. Thus, all people are regarded by society as either ignorant or a liar. A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none. The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella. You mean you need drugs to hallucinate? All suspects are innocent until proven Discordian in a Court of Chaos. Our god's the FUN god! Our god's the SUN god! Ra! Ra! Ra! "How many tentacles has Great Cthulhu got?" "Too many." We are all Children of Cthulhu -- especially the ones with lots of tentacles. "I only live about ten percent in this reality." "So where's your summer cottage?" Proletarian revolutions are notably ineffective when the ruling class is composed of gods. Never trust a cop with a rubber glove. For every new foolproof invention there is a new and improved fool. Life is a terminal disease. If you were everyone but one person i would listen to everyone else. If I were you I'd dance naked in the middle of the street just to embarrass you. Like many of the finer things in life, sex often comes with a side of fries. Hold on to freedom as long as you can, 'cause the girl in your cell might think she's a man May the road rise up and fall on you.

Life is sometimes like a pizza round: hot, greasy, and delivered by a guy named 'Tony'. Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils. Coitus ergo sum. You know it's a bad morning when you get up out of bed and miss the floor. Save the whales! Collect the whole set! The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon. Cthulhu saves our souls and redeems them for valuable coupons later. Cthulhu Saves. He might get hungry later. Spam was, Spam is and Spam shall be. After summer is winter, and after winter, summer. It ruled once where Man rules now; where Man rules now, it shall rule again. As a foulness shall ye know it. Cthulhu for President -- for when you're tired of choosing the _lesser_ of the two evils. It's an Elder Thing -- you wouldn't understand. When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect. Who loathes you, and who do you love? CTHULHU! Fight crime. Shoot back. Join the Cthulhu Corps; it's not just a job, it's a higher position under an elder god. If Cthulhu calls... let the machine pick it up. Nietzsche: God is dead. God: Nietzsche is dead. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. It is by the Coca-Cola that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. You wouldn't be so smug if you really knew what was going on. You don't have a disease. You just live in New Jersey. Jake liked his women how he liked his kiwi fruit; firm yet yielding, sweet yet tart, and covered with short fuzzy brown hair. His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans - and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink." I used to be self-actualized, now I'm just confused. Never sign a contract including any of the phrases "sort of", kind of", or

"and stuff". Horniness is a quintessential example of hope. Freedom is just a hallucination created by a pathological lack of paranoia. The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that it is. Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota. Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining. Our cause is a secret within a secret, a secret that only another secret can explain; it is a secret about a secret veiled by a secret. Portions of the preceding were recorded. As for the rest of it, I'm very much afraid it was all in your mind. The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Futility is futile. You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, while it does big things badly, does small things badly too. If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is probably just a tool of the conspiracy. You see, without that little doohicky, the universe stops. Welcome to the Federal Bureau for Reducing Bureaucracy! History: an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think I think, therefore I think I am. I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy. Computers, like cats, can operate crossdimensionally; the trick is in getting them to do what you want. People who emit Cherenkov radiation make me nervous. A few thousand rads never hurt anybody. Of course it belongs to me, I'm a communist. Occam was never the target of a conspiracy. I'm not as think as you stoned I am. Quantum Express: When you absolutely, positively, don't know where it's going or when it needs to be there. Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down. Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

My inner child can beat up your inner child. My god can beat up your god. If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. reality.sys corrupted. universe halted. reboot (y/n)? I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. "Here's what I know," said the physicist. "If we lived in a microscopic world, trucks would crash into walls, fly apart and then reassemble perfectly on the other side of the wall. This has been proven." Due to circumstances within our control, tomorrow will be cancelled. I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions. Anybody who cannot comprehend mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wash, cook food, and not make messes on the floor. What a useless scroll, all it says is "Hastur Hastur Hastur" over and over again. Don't knock masturbation; isn't sex with someone you love the best kind? Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents. Reality is the temporary resultant of the struggle between rival gangs of programmers. If I was a woman I'd stay at home all day and play with my breasts.