The Principles of Authentic Power

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THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWER FINDING STRENGTH, MEANING, AND HAPPINESS IN AN OUT-OF-CONTROL WORLD

TABLE OF CONTENTS Wel elco come me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 Sessio Ses sion n 1: Power vs. vs. Control Control:: The Art of Strate Strategic gic Surre Surrende nderr . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 Sessio Ses sion n 2: Get Gettin ting g More with with Less Effor Effort: t: The Power Power of Stories Stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 Session 3: Your Primary and Secondary Worlds: Control vs. Influence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Sessio Ses sion n 4: The 4 Rules of Engag Engageme ement: nt: Rules Rules 1-3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13 Session Sessi on 5: The 4th Rule of Engagement: Engagement: Shifting Shifting People’s Perspective Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 Session Sessi on 6: The Power of Learning Learning to Let Go: Developing Developing Your Your Capacity Capacity to Grow . . . . . . . . . . .18 Session Sessi on 7: Ten Ten Ideas and Attitudes Attitudes to Let Go Of: Findi Finding ng True True Peace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 Session Sessi on 8: The Power of Faith: The Ultimate Ultimate Weapon Weapon Against Against Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29 Session Sessi on 9: How to Profit from Your Your Knowledge Knowledge:: The Five Steps to Wisdom Wisdom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33 Session Sessi on Ten: Ten: Happiness Happiness as a Way of Life: Cherish Cherish the Chase as Much as the Trophy Trophy . . . . . . . .38 Session Sessi on Eleven: Eleven: Bridging Bridging the Gap Between What You You Know and What You You Do . . . . . . . . . . . .41 Sessio Ses sion n Twel Twelve: ve: How to Leave Leave a Gre Great at Legacy Legacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44 You Can Can Choos Choose e Succe Success ss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45 Producer: Dave Kuenstle Workbook: Traci Vujicich

THE P RINCIPLES OF A UTHENTIC P OWER

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Welcome Congratulations on your purchase! You’ve taken the first step to finding peace and happiness in your life. In order to get the most from this program, you need to do one thing. You need to have the courage to be playful. As you listen to this, just listen objectively. Think about your life from the bleachers. Step out of it for a minute. Take a look from the outside and say, “What do I really want? Am I happy? Am I happy on a daily level? Do I know how to enjoy the moment? Am I celebrating the things that mean the most to me? Or, are the things that mean the most to me those that create the most stress and pressure in my life rather than give me the greatest reward?” You are closer to what you want than you think. You’ll also find out by the end of this program that you’re working too hard at the wrong things. It’s time to learn how to change that. How to Use This Workbook How can you get the most out of this writeable workbook? Research has shown that the more ways you interact with learning material, the deeper your learning will be. Nightingale-Conant has created a cutting-edge learning system that involves listening to the audio, reading the ideas in the workbook, workbook, and writing your ideas and thoughts thoughts down. In fact, this workbook workbook is desig designed ned so that you can fill in your answers answers right inside this docum document. ent. 1. Previ Preview ew the secti section on of the workbook workbook that goes with the audio session. session. 2. Listen to the audio session at least once. 3. Complete the exercises in this workbook By taking the time to preview the exercises before you listen to each session, you are priming your subconscious to listen to and absorb the material. Then, when you are actually listening to each session, you’ll be able to absorb the information faster—and will see faster results. Remember, the more you apply this information, the more you’ll get out of it.

Let’s get started.

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Session 1: POWER VS. CONTROL: THE ART OF STRATEGIC SURRENDER The key to getting what we want more often in this out-of-control world is to strategically decide which battles we need to win, which battles will truly lead us toward the happiness and fulfillment we’re looking for. Also part of this process is deciding which battles we shouldn’t be fighting because no matter how badly we’d like to win those battles, they simply will distract us from bringing our energy to what it is we should be doing. This process is called strategic surrender. When we’re able to choose our strategic surrenders in life, we’re able to transcend the feeling feeli ng of stru strugglin ggling, g, and we can actua actually lly find the power in the proc process. ess. Energy Versus Power Energy isn’t power. Energy is merely potential. Power is energy directed. As human beings, we don’t know much about ourselves in this physical world. We know that we are energy. We know that we’re two types of energy: physical energy and psychic energy. Physical energy is our ability to breathe, to move, of our heart to beat, our lungs to move. Psychic energy is everything else we’re capable of doing in this life. We can emote, we can think, we can dream, we can imagine. Energy is life. When we die, we’ll have no ability to use our physical energy. So, literally, when we waste our energy on things that we can’t control, we’re wasting our very life. Exercise: How Are You Wasting Your Energy? Think about an event that was bothering you last week. This is something that you spent time thinking about, trying to do something about, or wasting your time and energy about, when it was something you couldn’t control. What you were worrying about: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ How many hours did you waste? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ What if you could harness that energy and bring it towar toward d the things you could cont control? rol? Think of the power you’d have in helping you find what it is you’re really looking for.

You can have a life-changing experience just by having the courage to look at yourself differently differently.. You wake up every day wanting to be happier and more successful. That’s fine. It doesn’t make you an overachiever; it makes you human. Even if your goal is the same as Gandhi’s and you


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want your ego reduced to nothing, you still want more. You want more of less ego. There’s nothing wrong with that. We are human and we want to see what our capacities are. But that doesn’tt mean we have to mort n’ mortgage gage our happiness, happiness, the very thing we’r we’re e real really ly looking for in the end, to do it. As you consider what you might expect from this program, understand that we live in a jaded age today. We know there’s more; that’s why we buy these kinds of products. That’s why we listen, that’s why we study, that’s why we look for people to teach us. We know there’s more. Yet, we’re still longing. So, what can the truly mature, skeptical, and intelligent person expect from this program? There’s an old song from the 1970s, titled I Never Promised You a Rose Garden . This program doesn’t promise you that the world’s going to change the way it does in the movies. Life doesn’t actually work that way. In movies, there are these great big moments of awareness when all of a sudden people change. This program doesn’t work that way. We’ve built up habits, we’ve built up definitions, life stories and contexts, and these drive us. These help us think, they help us process the world, but they do more than that. They also, in many ways, create the world that comes to us. This program will help break down scientifically, psychologically, emotionally, and philosophically how this works. We can take a look at the connection between what happens to us and what we make happen. We can understand the distinction between what happens without any regard to us and what we’re in some way connected to. When we can figure out which battles we should be fighting and bring all our energy and all our attention only to those battles, we will have discovered the power of strategic surrender and we’ll be able to get what we want more often. As a matter of fact, we’ll enjoy the process more, which is really what we’re all looking to do.

“Full effort is full victory.” Gandhi Full effort is full victory. Be where you are right now. And right now you’re doing exactly what you should be doing. You’re listening to this program. A Few Questions What if you could have back all the energy that you’ve ever wasted on things you can’t control? Now, this means you would get back any time you’ve ever worried about something that either happened or didn’t happen. You have back the hours in which you tried to control something that was out of your control or worried about what people would think or do. What if you could have that energy and time back in your life? How much power could you have if you could direct that toward what you want? Think about that. What would you spend that time on now? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

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Do you believe that it’s possible to stay exactly as you are — your own definitions, your own contexts, your own meanings, your own understanding of yourself and the world stay exactly where they are, not change — and yet have the happiness and the success and the fulfillment that you’re looking for? If you answered no to that last question, then good for you, because you understand or are beginning to understand the art of strategic surrender. Exercise: What Can You Control? Write down the things you feel you have control over, and the things you don’t. Can Control: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Can’t Control: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ What did you put in the “Can Control” list? Did you put your spouse, children, friends, co-workers, or parents? Can you actually control them? Perhaps you put your health in that list. Does it belong there? Can you actually control your health? If you think you can, try this exercise. Make your heart stop beating. If you’re being truly honest, you’ll discover that most of the things you listed in the “Can Control” list really belong in the “Can’t Control” list.

Session 2: GETTING MORE WITH LESS EFFORT: THE POWER OF STORIES Most of us are smarter than we’ve ever been. Most of us are making more money than we’ve ever made in our lives. Despite this, most of us want more. To want more isn’t a bad thing; it’s part of the human capacity. Our job in life is to go through this life and find out what is it we can do and what is it we can be. How do we learn to think and behave in a way in which we can find the happiness and higher level of meaning and fulfillment?


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What we’re really looking for is our meaning. When we talk about getting more of what we want with less effort, the “mor “more” e” that we’re looking looking for is who we are, a defin definition ition of ourselves ourselves that we’re happy with. We’re searching for a definition of ourselves that we respect, that we accept, and that we feel lovely about. The ancient oracle is to know thyself. In that process of knowing yourself on a higher level, you’ll find that you’re getting more of what you want with much less effort. You’ll find that you don’t want to fight half the battles that you were spending most of your time fighting before. You’ll stop thinking that if you won those — if you could only have more attention from someone, more love from someone, more time, more cooperation, more money, more this, and that — would solve your problems. Exercise: Who Are You? Do you know who you are? Answer the question “Who am I?” not with an essay but with just a few sentences. I am: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Now, go back and circle all the labels. Circle the words that define you that are outside of you: your relationships, your age, your hobby, your salary, your possessions, and your job. Why? Because those are things that can and do change without your permission. You’ll get older, whether you want to or not, unless you die. Family and friends can leave you. Jobs will change. And yet, when these things happen that are circumstances beyond you’re control, we’re still here. You’re still you. That’s why you’re still looking. You’re looking for that meaning that will make you feel complete, fulfilled, and happy. That emptiness that we feel is because we’ve misidentified our core meaning. Exercise: What’s Your Nametag? In the previous exercise, you identified the “big” labels. Let’s take it another step and identify the little labels we put on ourselves. These are labels like “Vegetarian,” “Red Wings fan,” “Shopaholic,” “Gemini.” In the following spaces, write down the nouns and adjectives you usually use to describe yourself: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

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These are little things, things that we like and things that we do that we identify ourselves by. But we don’t even realize we do it. You see, these things, when you put them together, are our stories. We’re born alone, we die alone, and we live the middle part in denial of those two facts, longing to make a connection.

We are the stories we tell ourselves we are. We long to make a connection. It’s a biological and physiological need. It’s how we actually find our meaning. The neurons in our brains need to connect with another set of neurons in our brains in order for us to find meaning, in order for us to know our dog’s name, in order for us to remember where we live; that’s how we find meaning. A story is merely a device that helps us make a connection. A device, like a tool, like a can opener that helps us open a can, a story is a device that helps us make connections. It takes separate entities, separate things, things that have nothing to do with each other in the beginning of this story, and it brings them together so that at the end they connect and we can find meaning in the story. Our lives are a combination of separate entities, ideas, definitions, experiences, relationships, thoughts, and feelings. And when these connect, they make stories. And those stories are who we are. In order to understand ourselves better, we need to figure out how some stories don’t serve us and some stories do. We need to learn how we can transcend some stories and that we don’t have to be tied to them and yet we can still be ourselves. Our stories from the past, from 20, 30, 40, or more years ago, drive our behavior today. That’s more powerful than a story. That’s mythical power. Chances are, you grew up in a family. Did that family have a culture? Did it have myths? Truths greater than truth? Truths that drove the behaviors of the people of that culture? Did you have the Smith luck, or the Shoblom curse? How about the corporation or the place you work? Doesn’t that have a culture? Isn’t it driven by myths and truths that determine how people behave and how they approach their jobs? Truths that influence what they think they can and can’t do, what they think they should or shouldn’t do. We want to hold on to these stories, not because they’re pleasant, but because we think that’s who we are, that we don’t have a choice, that we need to hold on to them. It’s as though we look in a mirror and say, “That’s my story. It hurts, but I’m sticking to it.” We don’t have to stick to the stories that hurt. We don’t have to forget them. We don’t have to deny them, but they don’t have to be our stories anymore. We can transcend them. We don’t need the power to change our past, because our past isn’t the problem; it’s how we define our past in our present that is the challenge. We don’t need to change the story or deny the story; we need to merely change what the story means. That’s the key to getting what we


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want. That’s the key to the happiness and the peace and the fulfillment that we’re looking for. To find out which myths don’t serve us, find out how they manifest themselves in our behaviors, our definitions, our words, our thoughts, our actions, and our outcomes

Your past isn’t the problem; it’s how you define your past in your present that is the challenge. Exercise: What’s Your Story? As an exercise, think of one of your “stories.” Identify something that happened to you (or didn’t happen to you) that has shaped who you are today. Maybe you wanted to get into medical school but failed chemistry. Perhaps you married very young and were later divorced. Write that story in the following space, and explain what “truth” you gained from that experience. What does this story mean to you? __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ Now, ask yourself, “Does this story serve me today?” How is this story manifesting itself in your life today? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ If the story you chose is leading you to think negatively about yourself (“I’m not smart enough…”) how can you change the context? How can you redefine this story so that it empowers you? Context is the tool that we use to help change the meaning of our stories. Context can help us find the higher meaning that we’re looking for. Stories happen. Events happen. Circumstances happen. How we define them is how we find our power in them. They happen sometimes without our control. How we define them is how we find our power in them. We sometimes define them in ways that hurt us, but we can define them in ways that help us. So what we’re finding out in this session is that in order to get more of what we want with half the effort, we need to first understand how we are negatively contributing to some of our own outcomes. Some things happen to us without our control. Some things just happen. But many things we affect. We affect them with our thoughts and our behaviors and our communication. And those thoughts and behaviors and communications are driven by our stories. The way to improve our thoughts, our behaviors, our communication, and our outcomes is to learn how to change the debilitating meanings that we have for some of the stories in our lives and make them more edifying. We do that through the power of context.

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Exercise: Pen Pal Pretend that you have a pen pal that you’ve never met. You want him or her to understand who you are. So, you start to write to your Pen Pal. You’re including, of course, your likes and your dislikes. Then you start to get further into that. You start to get into the “what’s,” the “who’s,” and the “why’s” of your life. First, describe what you do and whom you’re with. Dear Pen Pal, ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ When you get through with all that, you’ll start to write to them the why’s. Write down why you like the things you like, why you do the things you do, why you have these people in your life. ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ This is where to look for your story, because our story lies in our why’s, the why’s behind our what’s. Think about how some of those why’s don’t necessarily have to be true. How some of them could be choices. How the reason that you feel so negatively about certain types of people doesn’t have to drive negativities in your life. For example, you can choose to be a vegetarian and walk into a restaurant and have a perfectly comfortable, fun, and enjoyable evening, even if everyone in the rest of the room is eating steak.

It’ss not mine to teach or change others; It’ it’s mine to choose what’s mine. This power lies within you as well. You get to choose. You’ve had bad things happen in your life. You get to choose how to define those things and make that story positive. Even though the story had some bad things in it, you can make that story positive. Think about the heroes and heroines you see in stories that you’ve read or movies that you’ve seen. They had bad things happen. But how they defined what happened and how they would respond to it, that’s what made them heroes and heroines. That’s how we get more of what we want in life, by not being victim to our circumstances, by being the true writers of our everyday stories.


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Session 3: YOUR PRIMARY AND SECONDARY WORLDS: CONTROL VS. INFLUENCE In order to get more of what we want with less effort, in order to really understand the power of strategic surrender, we first have to understand what we can control… and what we can’t. There are two worlds that you experience: the primary world and the secondary world. You are your primary world. Everything you think, see, and do is in your primary world. The secondary world worl d is the one involving involving other people. people. Anything done, thought, thought, said, or felt by someone else is in your secondary world. The reason this needs to be clear is so that we can understand the difference between control and influence. The concept of control exists only in the primary world. Sometimes we think that we could get more of what we want if we could only control others or other circumstances or other things. But the ultimate answer to getting what we want lies in our primary world, not in controlling things in our secondary world. In fact, control doesn’t exist in the secondary world. We can control only ourselves, and most of us fail to do that half the time. Only influence exists in the secondary world.

We can NEVER control another person or circumstance. We can only influence it. We Are All Insecure We’re all afraid because we’re all insecure. We have to spend the rest of our life figuring out who we are and what we are supposed to do in this world. Instead of realizing that we are all born without an owner’s manual, we become insecure because of some ideals that we have about how smart we’re supposed to be, how attractive we’re supposed to be, and we don’t fit those ideals. ideals. Thos Those e ideal idealss are a combi combinatio nation n of fantasies fantasies and capacities capacities that we aspire to. Exercise: What Is Your Ideal? What are the ideals you are holding yourself to? Do they make you feel insecure or inspired? If I were at my ideal, this is how I would be: __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ Which of these things exist in your primary world (meaning you can control them)? Which exist in the secondary world and are dependent on another person or circumstance? Chances are, if your ideal is based in the primary world and you believe you can control it, you feel inspired. If you believe that your ideal is dependent on another person or circumstance (“If only he would…”), you feel insecure.

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The tapes and the CDs and the books that we read in the “self help” movement tell us that we’ve just got to get in control of our life. We’ve got to take charge. We’ve got to make things happen. But then, all of a sudden we find out it is an out-of-control world. Anything can happen at any point in time. We are vulnerable. And that vulnerability scares us. The answer to that fear doesn’t lie in trying to control things we can’t. That’s delusion. The answer to that fear is to say, “Yes, I am vulnerable. I live in an out-of-control world, but I have power in it.” Exercise: My, Isn’t That Interesting? Let’s think about the things you can and can’t control, about your spouse, your lover, or your partner. This exercise is to help you learn to throw your hands up in the air and say, “My, isn’t that interesting?” Every time you see something around you that you find less than attractive or that you see has been in your way, don’t judge it and feel guilty about it. Rather, look at it for what it is and say, “My, isn’t that interesting?” Let’s come up with a few scenarios for practice. Think of a situation in your real life when you wanted to control the situation, but it didn’t work. The first one is created for you as an example. Example One: You’ve One: You’ve told your son to clean up his room and finish his homework before dinner. You go in to tell him dinner is ready, and he is playing video games in the middle of his messy room. His backpack is still closed and you can tell he’s not done his homework yet. How do you usually respond? I would start yelling at him for not listening. What is your new response? “My, isn’t that interesting…?” Example Two: __________________________________________________________________________ Two: __________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ How do you usually usually respond? ____________________________________________________________ What is your new response? response? _____________________________________________________________ Example Three: ________________________________________________________________________ Three: ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ How do you usually usually respond? ____________________________________________________________ What is your new response? response? _____________________________________________________________ Now, this is not to say you can’t influence the situation. But you’ll only stress yourself out if you think you can control the secondary world.


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Get Sympathetic We have an autonomic nervous system that controls our bodies’ involuntary physiological reactions to stimuli. For example, your pupils constrict in bright light. You don’t decide for your pupils to react; they just react in bright light and that’s because of the autonomic nervous system. This system is divided into two separate systems: the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. When we’re frightened or under extreme stress, the sympathetic nervous system sends out chemical messages that cause, among other physical reactions, our hearts to beat faster, our mouths to go dry, our blood vessels to contract. These physiological reactions in turn affect our sensory perception; they affect our senses and the way we perceive the world. We don’t decide for these things to happen; they happen because we feel fear. Whether that fear is real or not, whether the room’s on fire or we’re afraid something might happen to us, our body will start to physiologically react this way. And when it reacts this way, we can’t deny it. We can’t deny how we feel. So rather than go toward what we know, we will start to put more stock into how we feel. But it’s important to understand that how we feel doesn’t always serve us. The same way that sometimes we feel like eating half a gallon of ice cream, we have to know that that doesn’t serve us and let what we know lead our behaviors more than what we feel. And that’s hard sometimes, especially when there’s fear. Sometimes when we let fear guide us, we can’t think straight. We deny what we know and try to control things that we can’t. All feelings are valid. If you’re afraid, that’s fine. If that fear is causing you to behave in a certain way that doesn’t serve you, that is not fine. It’s okay to say, “My, isn’t that interesting. I’m afraid right now.” But then give more attention and more credence to what you know you should do rather than how you feel about what you’re afraid of. Some of the most powerful people in the world understand that they live in a world that’s out of their control. And while many of us look at them as people who are in positions of control, they’re smart enough to recognize that they’re only in positions of influence, which can be much more powerful than control.

Influence can be more powerful than control. Exercise: What Can You Control? Before you try to influence others, think about what it is you might want to be controlling in your life. In my life, I can control: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

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Session 4: THE 4 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: RULES 1-3 The next two sessions are about how to make connections that count. Remember, we’re born alone, we die alone, and we live the middle part in denial of those two facts, longing to make a connection. These next two sessions are about the power of influence. How to make connections that count. We have tremendous power in this out-of-control world through the power of influence. Most people have had millions of conversations in their lives: with their grocer, their friends, coworkers, accountants, etc. We talk to people all day long, and yet most of us don’t even know what’s really taking place when one person communicates with another. Most people don’t know their job in that process. Musicians have a great term for job; they call it a “gig.” One of the things that is important is that at any point in time we need to know our gig. When we communicate with other people we have a gig and it’s a very important gig. When we communicate with other people, it’s our opportunity to help them make a connection, as well as for us to make a connection. To misidentify that gig is to miss a tremendous human opportunity. The Four Rules of Engagement The four rules of engagement are rules that are always working. They’re not sometimes working; they are always working. Whenever one or more people are communicating, the four rules of engagement are working. The rules are even working when you talk to yourself. To not know that they’re working means they’re probably working against you.

The Four Rules of Engagement One: Everyone is always right. Two: The greatest human desire is to be right. Three: We can’t change anybody’s mind. Four: We can only help shift another’s perspective. Rule number one: Everyone is always right. Now right. Now notice this doesn’t say, “Most people are sometimes right,” it says, “Everyone is always right.” In order for us to challenge this intellectually, we have to consider the concept of truth. What is truth? In other words, how do we know what is? What is red? What is water? What is a book? What is a TV? What is truth? How do we know?

Truth is that which one believes to be true. If you go beyond physics to the actual human sociological experience, you’ll find that the world will line up to validate that which one believes to be true. If you take a 42-year-old divorced


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woman who thinks all men are jerks because that’s been her experience and introduce her to 50 prime USDA Grade-A gentlemen, she will meet 50 jerks. We have our stories of our world and ourselves, and the world will validate our truths. And for that reason, everyone is always right. They have to be. In psychology it’s called congruency. The world has to be congruent with that which we think it is. Our definitions of the world are reflecting. We are in our definitions of the world as much as the world is in our definitions of ourselves ours elves.. How we see ourselves ourselves in our stories impacts impacts and reflects into how we see the worl world. d. And we are right and our experience will validate it. That’s rule number one of the rules of engagement. What is Communication? Communication. What does that mean? Communication involves the words we choose, the tone of voice we use, we pause, we didn’t pause, we blink, we swallow or our breath rate. We have the capacity to communicate up to 72,000 of these messages in a minute as human beings to other human beings. When you are communicating your truth, you naturally attract people who share that same truth. This truth. This is Rule Number Two. The greatest human desire is to be right. Consciously and subconsciously, people attract other people who will make them right.

Our greatest desire isn’t to be loved; our greatest desire is to be right, even if it hurts. Exercise: It’s Her Story and She’s Sticking to It How many people do you know who if they could just change one thing, they’d be happier? But it doesn’t fit their story, as they know themselves. Think of somebody you know who wants to change something about himself or herself but can’t seem to do it. It might be your spouse who wants to quit smoking, your sister who wants to lose weight, or your best friend who wants out of a bad relationship. ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Now, what in this person’s context would need to shift in order to make that change? How would he or she need to redefine his or her truth to make the new reality “right?” ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Most people don’t even understand how to shift their context, how their definitions are reflexive. That’s why it’s their story and they’re sticking to it. People will behave in a way that’s congruent with that myth.

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Exercise: What’s Your Gig? This is not a writing exercise. This is an “observation from the bleachers” exercise. In this exercise, spend a little bit of time thinking about your gig. How often is it more important to you to be right than to be happy when you communicate with people? How often is it more important for you to be right than to be quiet? Than to listen? How often is it that sometimes your version of right doesn’t serve you? Consider those times when your desire to be right hasn’t served you. Remember the arguments that you may have had in order to prove that you were right and in retrospect they only caused you distress or damaged a relationship, proving your rightness didn’t serve you. As you go through your day just think about it and watch others. Watch how sometimes when people communicate their version their need to be right is actually what’s creating the problem more than the problem as they define it. You’ll find this to be a very interesting exercise. But please don’t try to teach them or show them. Don’t try to tell them they’re wrong. Once you become aware of your own powerful desire to be right, then you can be more tolerant of other people’s desire to be right. They don’t even know that that’s what’s driving the argument. They’re not even aware of what you know about the four rules of engagement. They are simply a victim to their feelings. They’re feeling a fear that they’re not being considered or that they’re not important or whatever other fear may be driving their need to be right in that moment. When you see it in yourself, you might find that it’s easier to forgive it in others. What a Coincid Coincidence! ence! A lot of people experience coincidence and aren’t really sure what it means or what to do with it. There are going to be some coincidences that you’ll notice as a result of listening to this program. This is because coincidence is based on awareness. Your level of awareness is higher about these types of things: about the desire to be right, about the fear that makes us want to try to control other people. And when this awareness is raised and you see it in other people, avoid righteousness righteousness,, avoid trying trying to teach them, avoid trying trying to judge. That is human. What we experience is human. Ours is to learn from it and to transcend it, to have higher levels of definition, higher levels of meaning, higher levels of behavior. Because that’s what you’re trying to do; you’re trying to get what you want more often with half the effort. You’re trying to achieve higher levels of happiness, success, peace, meaning, and understanding.

Three Steps When You Notice Someone (Even You) Needing to Be Right One: When One: When you notice it, notice it. Think, “My isn’t that interesting?” Two: Think Two: Think about it in the context of what you’ve learned. Three: Think about what you can learn from it. To do this is to do all you need to do. Nothing more.


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You Can’t Change My Mind! Rule number three: You can’ can’tt chang change e anyone anyone’’s mind. mind. Remember, Remember, our greatest desire is to be right. People care more about how much you care than about how much you know. If you try to teach them before you validate them, they will shut you down. That’s the way we all are. We want to be validated. If we try to change someone’s mind without having them feel good about themselves, there’s a very good chance that they’ll put up their dukes, psychologically psychologically,, emotionally emotionally,, intellectually intellectually,, even physically, and they won’t listen to a word we say.

You can’t change someone’s mind; it’s not your mind.

Session 5: THE 4TH RULE OF ENGAGEMENT: SHIFTING PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVE Now for rule number four. You can’t change other people’s minds, but you can help shift their perspective. How do we help shift people’s perspective? Through the power of influence. You see, to try to change their mind would be to try to control the secondary world, and we know that’s not possible. Control doesn’t exist in the secondary world. However, we are connected to the secondary world, and we do have the ability in incredible ways to powerfully influence that world. And we do that by helping people shift their perspective. But before we help them shift their perspective, we have to honor theirs. Exercise: The Jay Leno Techniqu Exercise: echnique e There are many ways to honor people’s perspectives without agreeing with them. One of the ways is to pretend you’re Jay Leno, the talk-show host. You’re just interviewing them and they are your honored guest. And there is an audience of people who actually actually cares about their perspective and wants to learn more. Your job is to bring out the why behind their what’s, to find out why they feel the way they feel. In this exercise, bring to mind someone with whom you usually disagree. It might be a co-worker, your mother-in-law, or your annoying next-door neighbor. Practice asking questions about the topic you disagree on. “Hmm, well, that’s interesting. Why do you feel that way? When did you first notice that? Who else feels that way, that you know?” The person I disagree with is:_____________________________________________________________ The topic we disagree disagree on most is: _________________________________________________________ Write your interview here: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

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When you do this with true curiosity and with a true goal of under understand standing ing and hono honoring ring their perspective persp ective,, you’ you’ll ll find that the more peopl people e get to shar share e with you their why behin behind d their what of their story, the more comfortable they become. The more they like themselves when they’re with you, which is much more important and much more critical to making a connection than their liking you. If we’ll let them be who they are, hono honorr their perspective perspective,, they they’ll ’ll start to like themselves themselves when they’re with us, in which case we’ll get all the benefits and more than we would get if they would actually like us. Exercise: How Many People Like You? Think about how many people in your world like you. You’ve got a Rolodex or a Palm Pilot or a phone book; you’ve got a lot of people in your world who like you. What about the guy at the gas station? What about the person at the donut shop or the coffee shop? Not to mention the receptionist, family and friends, spouses’ and partners’ families and friends, kids, their friends, neighbors, relatives, association members, employees, coworkers. You’ve got a number of people in your world who like you. Right? What’s that number? 100? 200? 50? Estimate it here: ________________________________________________________________________ Consider this question. How many of these people really know you? Not everyone really knows all of you. Not everyone knows every aspect of you. Some people have never seen you angry. Some people have never seen your love. Most people have never seen you sexually. Some people have never seen you intellectually. So all of these people like different aspects of you. Only some, if any, really know you. How many people really know you? Write that that number here: here: _________________________________________________________________ It’s not important to get people to like you. That won’t help you get what you want. That’s a battle you should never fight because you can’t control it. What’s important is that they like themselves when they’re with you, whether it’s in business or in work. That’s what pays the dividends that you’re looking for. That’s what helps you make a connection with others, and that’s what helps them want to connect with you. Quit trying to get people to like you. If there’s nothing else you learn from this entire session, from this entire program, write that down.

Commit Comm it to helpi helping ng peopl peoplee like themselves themselves when they’re with you. You see, short of our health, our happiness, and our spirituality, almost everything we want is currently owned or controlled by someone else. And their willingness to help us get it isn’t based on how much they like us; it’s based on how much they like themselves when they’re with us. We can find the power in the higher meaning and the connection that we’re really looking for. We can use the rules of engagement to help others find their higher meaning.


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Session 6: THE POWER OF LEARNING TO LET GO: DEVELOPING YOUR CAPACITY TO GROW While much of life is complex and full of chance, many of the outcomes and circumstances of our lives are the result of our choices and our behaviors. In learning how to get more of what we want with half the effo effort, rt, we’re learning learning that we’re spending spending a lot of effo effort rt on thin things gs that don’t serve us. In order to stop experiencing outcomes that are less than what we want, we have to trace back through that behavior chain that affects those outcomes. As you know, it starts with our stories. We are the stories we tell ourselves we are. Some of those stories serve us, and some of them don’t. And we have our definitions, how we define the world and how we define ourselves, which is reflective. Then we have our context, which can help us change what our stories mean. This all requires change. Rather than infusing our stories and definitions and contexts that are negative, that don’t serve us, into a situation, we need to step back and take a look at the situation for what it is. We need to think about what response would serve us the best in spite of our bad definitions, stories, or contexts. What we’re looking for is opportunities to let go. Opportunities to make changes. That’s what heroes and heroines do. You know, in every great story, the hero or the heroine didn’t have a charmed life throughout the story. They faced incredible challenge and crisis. It’s the choices choic es that they made as they faced their challenges challenges that deter determine mined d what they did so that they could become heroes and heroines. Exercise: Who Are Your Heroes? Whom do you admire? It could be someone you know, someone famous, a character from a novel, or someone else whom you look up to. What is their “gig”? What challenge and crisis did they face? How could they have looked at the challenge negatively? What choice did they make instead? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Three Approaches to Change Most of us have one of three approaches when it comes to change. Picture yourself in a rowboat. You’re in the ocean. In the far distance you see an island. The boat’s sinking. You have a bucket.. Ther bucket There e are three types of respo responses nses to this situation situation that represent the way most of us look at change. The first type of person will say, “It’s cold, there are sharks, there are tides, and the island is far away. I’m not sure I could swim that far.” But when they feel enough pain, enough sense of urgency, they’ll jump in the water and swim towards that island.

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The second type of person will say, “It’s cold, there are sharks, and I don’t know if I could swim that far.” Then, they’ll grab the bucket, and bail the boat, hoping against hope that they’ll drift toward the island before they drown or die of exhaustion. They are clinging to what they have. The third type of person will also say, “It’s cold, there are sharks, and I don’t know if I could swim that far.” But when they feel enough pain and enough sense of urgency, or come to a higher level of awareness of themselves in their situation, they’ll jump in the water and swim toward the island, dragging the sinking boat with them. See, we don’t want to let go. But when it comes to change, letting go is the key. Which type of person are you? Give an example: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

The definition of a problem is the difference between what is and what you think should be. You see, how we define a problem determines the solutions we will consider. If we think we can control the world, and that’s a battle we want to fight, and all of a sudden the world doesn’t work the way we thought it should, we’re going to think the world’s broken. Then we’re going to think we need to fix it. And we’re going to try to exert control in the secondary world where control doesn’t exist from our perspective, and we’re going to fail, to some degree. So the first step of finding our power in a situation is to first accept the situation for what it is.

Our capacity to grow is directly related to our willingness to let go. One of the first things we need to let go of are debilitating definitions and bad stories. Some of the problems that we think we face in this world we just project ourselves into. Exercise: What Are You Willing to Let Go? The art of surrender has to do with letting go. We have to surrender the control that we think we have over other people. We have to surrender bad definitions and stories. We have to surrender the parts of ourselves that we’ve come to know as us and realize they’re not necessarily who we are, they’re just our fears manifesting themselves in our behaviors and in our outcomes.


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Which stories or definitions can you let go? Perhaps you had a difficult childhood. Maybe you have ADD. Are you the victim of something? Write your story or definition here: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ How is this definition holding you back? How would the hero or heroine you described earlier in this session define this? If you changed how you defined this problem, what new approach could you take? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Your problems don’t exist separate and apart from the way you define them. And the way you define them determines the solutions you’ll consider. What you want will probably require that you change. That you change how you define your problem, so you can change how you approach the solution. Most people are trying to keep struggle and the pain that goes with it out of their lives completely. We think that to struggle is bad, discomfort is bad. The fact is, we sometimes have to go through discomfort to get to greater comfort. And once you shift over, you’re going to be comfortable again. So in that problem, problem, there was an oppor opportuni tunity ty to move move,, to change, to go through discomfort discomfort,, which given your choice, you’d prefer not to have gone through. But you can’t stay static in a dynamic world. It’s not a natural thing. The pain of that problem gave you an opportunity to get to greater comfort. We live in a dynamic world. It’s changing. Business is changing; relationships are changing. The girl or guy you married is changing. Kids are changing. Partners are changing.

Everything will fall into one of two categories. You can either do something about it or you can’t. If you can’t do something about it, put all of your energy into accepting it.

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Session 7: TEN IDEAS AND ATTITUDES TO LET GO OF: FINDING TRUE PEACE In this session, we’ll identify the top 10 attitudes, ideas, concepts, thoughts, that if we could let go of them in our lives, we could find the peace that immediately follows surrender.

Ten Things to Let Go Regret Anger Blame Guilt Pride and Ego Insecurity Jealousy “What If” Scenarios Debilitating Myths Debilitating Definitions Regret The first one is regret. It’s been said that he who regrets loses twice. We can’t change what is; we can’t change what was. If we spend time losing sleep over what was, we’re going to be too tired to spend our energy trying to help change what could be. If you missed an opportunity, whether it be an invitation to dinner or to study harder for a test or to get to know someone better or to sail around the world on a yacht, the opportunity of that moment went with that moment. And no amount of regret is going to get it back. In fact, to want that opportunity back in a different moment may not be healthy because that opportunity may not bring with it all that it brought the first time around. If you missed that opportunity the first time and it truly was an opportunity, fine. That’s a loss. Now you’re missing the opportunity of what you could be doing right now every time you think about that loss. Exercise: Where Do You Live? Following is a timeline representing your life. Check the box showing where you see yourself in your timeline. Birth ____________________________________________________________________________ Death

THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC P OWER

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Now you may find it interesting where you put that X because you may put it in a different spot when you consider the fact that your life is, in all likelihood, almost halfway over. It might even be more than halfway over; based on the idea that time is relative. Whatever lesson you draw from where you put that X is yours to have. It’s interesting; it’s neither here nor there. That’s where you live. You live in the now. You’re a creature of the present, just like everyone else. We can’t live in any time other than the now. Our heart beats in the now. We breathe in the now and we think in the now. We can imagine the future, but our imagining of the future happens in the now. Exercise: Regret Is Fear Think about something that you regret. It might be giving up your dream of becoming an astronaut, leaving your first wife, or not buying that stock when it was low. Consider what it was that you were afraid of when you missed the opportunity. Write in the following space your biggest regret and what you were afraid of. ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

If you want to find any constructive opportunities in reviewing something that you regret doing or not doing, spend your time thinking about what you were afraid of when you made the decision to do or not do that thing. Instead of experiencing regret as a second loss, turn it into a win by making it a lesson that’s yours to gain from. Anger The second thing we need to learn to let go of is anger. We know that all emotions are based in either love or fear. We know that the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic system process information based in love or fear. We also know that most anger is based in fear. When we see something that bothers us or that we don’t think is good or right, we can disapprove of it without getting angry about it. So, when we find ourselves extremely angry about something that we disapprove of or don’t like, chances are there’s something in there that scares us.

You can’t love anything you don’t accept. The root of all love is acceptance. You can love your dog, you can love music, you can love your spouse, and you can love your partner. Those are all different feelings. It’s one word describing all those different feelings, but in fact the concept of love needs to include, and have as its basis, acceptance. When we love ourselves, it’s not that we esteem ourselves, it’s not that we think we are the greatest things in the world next to sliced bread, it’s that we accept ourselves. When we love others, it’s the same.

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Exercise: Where Is the Fear? Describe a time when you were furious. What made you mad? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ What were you afraid of? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Blame Number three is blame. Often the first thing we want to do when we see something that we don’t like or don’t approve of, whether it’s in ourselves or in others, is find blame. An important concept to understand is the idea of “you get to.” Other people have the right to their actions. You don’t have to approve of it. Somebody gets you angry; somebody cuts you off on the highway. Guess what? They get to. It’s their world. Remember, the world’s a mess. It’s always been a mess, it’s always going to be a mess, it’s not ours to fix it. Galileo said that you can’t teach others; they have to learn. They get to. Everyone gets to. Guilt The number four thing we should let go of is guilt. Guilt can sometimes keep us from doing things but not help us understand things. If you want to not feel guilt, have contrition. Truly say, “I’m never doing that again. I learned my lesson.” And then give yourself absolution for that for which you feel guilty. There are a lot of things that we do in our lives that aren’t perfect. This is not to say that murderers who killed people didn’t do the wrong thing, it’s saying they have to live with it. People who did bad things and hurt people or took things from or lied to people, the way we’re all capable of as human beings, they have to live with that. But once we absolutely say we’re not doing that again, and ask for forgiveness from whomever we need to ask forgiveness from, whether it’s our higher power, our God, ourselves, or all of the above, we need to understand that life is perfect. And one of the definitions of perfect in its truest form is having all the properties that naturally belong to it. What does that have to do with anything? Perfect is having all the properties that naturally belong to it means there is no moment that is perfect more than the now. Right now, your life has all the properties that belong to it. Every second, every minute, every day, ever year that you’ve lived, accumulates in the now. And the now, according to that definition, is perfect. And that’s what we should focus on.


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Pride and Ego Number five is our pride and our ego. It’s very difficult for us to let go of our pride and our ego. However, our pride and our ego get in our way of helping us see others as important, of serving others, of helping others like themselves when they’re with us. It gets in the way of seeing ourselves in the way in which we can find our truest highest meaning — serving others and other things greater than ourselves. Following is a prayer/affirmation you can use to get your ego out of the way. Photocopy this page and cut out the prayer. This way you can carry it with you.

St. Francis of Assisi Prayer Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is dark darkness ness,, light; Where there is sadness, joy. Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying to the self that we’re born to eternal life. Insecurity Number six is insecurity. We’re all insecure. We would do very well to admit that. We’d find life to be a little easier. Remember, M. Scott Peck said, “Life is difficult. The sooner you admit that and realize it, know it, the easier life will be.” It’s that way with insecurity. Nobody has all the answers. Let’s look at life this way. You can lead with that insecurity, or you can go in spite of that insecurity. If you were to play a game of chess, insecure that you might lose, you’ll never take a winning move. You’ll only play defensively. That’s not the way to play the game of life. We have to know that we can lose; we have to know that we can be wrong. We have to know that we’re insecure. We have to know that we’re created as imperfect human beings and know that’s okay. Then play to win.

Feel your insecurity and do it anyway!

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Don’t think you can let go of insecurity and it’ll go away forever and you’ll never be insecure. We’ll always be insecure. We’re insecure beings. Instead, learn to act beyond the insecurity. If you don’t let the insecurity affect how you’ll behave in this world, then your insecurity will become irrelevant. Jealousy Jealousy is an emotion born out of both pride and insecurity. When we see other people as happy or more successful than we are, that’s our insecurity talking. One of the reasons the Bible says not to covet is because when we covet we can’t be happy. When we try to figure out why other people people have things we don’t have, we are not posit positionin ioning g ours ourselves elves to get it, eithe eitherr in that present moment or in the future. Exercise: The Jealous Exercise: Jealousy y Bust Buster er Make a list of all the things about yourself that you have reasons to appreciate, and then practice appreciating appreciating those things. things. If you can’ can’tt do that your yourself, self, call your best frien friend d and ask him or her to list 10 things that he or she really respects and admires about you. Things to Appreciate About Me 1) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 2) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 3) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 4) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 5) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 6) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 7) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 8) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 9) ______________________________________________________________________________________ 10) _____________________________________________________________________________________ “What-If” Scenarios Number eight, we need to let go of our “what-if” scenarios. These are the fear fantasies that we create for ourselves. A lot of us feel that if we don’t worry about things, we must not be concerned. We can be concerned, but we don’t have to let that healthy and compassionate emotion of concern turn into a debilitating emotion of worry. Debilitating Myths Number nine is our debilitating myths. We are the stories we tell ourselves we are, and some of those stories don’t serve us. Remember, it’s difficult to uncover our myths. Debilitating Definitions Number 10 is our debilitating definitions. Our definitions are self-reflective. We can’t see the world and not see it through the context of ourselves. We can’t define anything in the world without defining ourselves. We can’t define ourselves without having that definition project itself into the world. So when we see debilitating things in the world, when we feel negative about things in the world, we need to take a look at our own definitions and see if we can find ourselves in there.


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As an illustration of debilitating myths and definitions, let’s take a look at Maya and her thoughts as she goes through a typical day. Action 6:00

AM

Thoughts Get up

6:30 Get famil family y up, make make breakfas breakfastt

, 7:00 Ge 7:00 Gett rea eady dy for wor ork k

“I want to sleep more!” “Why won’ won’tt these these kids get get up withou withoutt a fight?” fight?” “Shou “Should ld I give them cereal again? If I were a good mother I’d be making them pancakes.” “Amy looks cute this morning.” “What am I going to eat? I’m too busy to eat this morning.” “Oh, I ne “Oh need ed a hai airrcu cutt.” “Wow, lo look ok at al alll th thos ose e gr gra ay hairs!” “I don’t have anything nice to wear to work.” I need to do the laundry.” “Hey, that’s my favorite song on the radio.” “My wrinkles are getting worse. Maybe I should get Botox.”

8:00 Leave

“Ugh, why are these kids always fighting in the car?” “That’s a cute car. I wonder how much it costs?” “I hope Jimmy doesn’t fail his math test.” “I hate this traffic every day!”

9:00

“These annoying clients are always interrupting my work.” “Yum, jelly doughnuts!” “Why can’t I seem to get along with anyone over in the Finance Department?” “I’m going to have to work through lunch again—don’t these people see how hard I work?” “I think that project turned out pretty well. Frank will be pleased.” “I am so tired. I wish I could just go home and take a nap.” “Almost time to go home—and do all my evening chores…”

AM-

5:00 PM Work

5:00 pm Drive home

“Why is the talk radio only about murder and other bad news?” “I guess I’d better figure out what to make for dinner. Maybe fast food again?” “Oh good, Peter is home. Maybe he did the laundry.”

5:305: 30-10: 10:30 30 Ev Even enin ing g at ho home me

“Great “Gre at.. Pe Pete terr is si sitt ttin ing g on th the e co couc uch h wa watc tchi hing ng th the e ne news ws.. Doesn’t he see that the laundry needs doing? Why do I alwayss have to be the one who does everything?” alway everything?” “There “There is nothing for dinner. Maybe we’ll have frozen dinners.” “Hey this lasagna is pretty good.” “I wish there was something good on TV tonight.” “I need a vacation.”

10:30 Bed

“I am so tired.” “I don’t want to get up again tomorrow morning.” Sound familiar? Even if you’re not a woman or a mother, you can probably relate to many of Maya’s thoughts throughout the day. Did you notice how many of Maya’s thoughts were negative?

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This is the thing. When people say, “Change your thinking and you’ll change your life,” these are the thoughts they mean. We’re not talking about your grand intellectual thoughts on world peace. We are talking about changing the chatter that runs through your mind all day long. Those are the thoughts that build your life. Let’s take another look at Maya, and change her thoughts to more empowering ones. 6:00

AM

Get up

“I sure like this cozy bed!”

6:30 Get Get famil family y up, make make breakf breakfast ast

“It must must be be hard hard for Amy Amy and Jimmy Jimmy to to get out out of their their cozy beds too!” “I’m lucky that I’ve got some cereal in the pantry.” “Amy looks cute this morning.” “What am I going to eat? I’m glad they have food at work!”

7:00 7: 00 Ge Gett rea eady dy for wor ork k

“My hai “My airrcu cutt is gr grow owin ing g ou outt we welll. l.”” “I be bett I’ I’m m goi oin ng to be one of those really elegant gray-haired ladies.” “Good thing it’s casual day at work.” “I am so grateful that I have my own washer and dryer and don’t need to use a laundromat.” “Hey, that’s my favorite song on the radio.” “My wrinkles are a reflection of the life I have lived.”

8:00 Leave

“It’s good that Amy and Jimmy are learning negotiation skills.” “That’s a cute car. I wonder how much it costs?” “I’m sure Jimmy will pass his math test.” “I’m glad that this traffic gives me extra time with my kids each day!”

9:00

“I am lucky to have so many clients who value me.” “Yum, jelly doughnuts!” “The folks over in Finance are really giving me a chance to work on my conflict resolution skills.” “I am a hard worker.” “I think that project turned out pretty well. Frank will be pleased.” “I should take a little walk and get re-energized.”” “Almost time to go home—and see my family!”

AM -

5:00 PM Work

5:00 Drive home

“I think I’ll listen to jazz.” “I guess I’d better figure out what to make for dinner. I’ll take this time in traffic and think about what I really want.” “Oh good, Peter is home. I love my husband.”

5:305: 30-10: 10:30 30 Ev Even enin ing g at ho home me

“Gre “G reat at.. Pe Pete terr is si sitt ttin ing g on th the e co couc uch h wa watc tchi hing ng th the e ne news ws.. Maybe I’ll sit down next to him for a few minutes and catch up.” “I am grateful to be the center of this family. I have created a happy home for us.” “Hey, this lasagna is pretty good.” “Since there is nothing good on TV tonight, I think I’ll read that new book I got from the library.” “I’m going to plan a vacation for next month.”

10:30 Bed

“I worked hard today. I am so lucky to have such a full and rich life. Many women would envy me.” “This bed sure feels cozy.”


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Can you see the diff differenc erence? e? Which Maya is going to feel inst instantly antly happier happier about her life? Obviously it’s the one who is thinking happier thoughts. You’ll notice that the basic elements of her day are the same: fighting kids, traffic, fatigue, work, and chores. It’s how Maya chooses to look at these things that determines how she is going to see herself. After you’ve read this section, you’re going to notice that you are more aware of your thoughts. Good! If you’re having negative thoughts, don’t beat yourself up about it. That’s adding more negative thoughts about having negative thoughts! Instead, just recognize that you are in a learning process, and think about what is positive in the situation. If you’re having trouble, ask, “What is the good in this situation?” Stay focused on the question, and in a few minutes the answer will come to you. Over time, with practice, you’ll begin to make this a habit. Exercise: Elimina Exercise: Eliminate te the Negat Negative ive Now it’s your turn. Try this exercise for that. Count the number of negative things that come out of your mouth in one day. It could be anything. “Oh, I hate being stuck in a traffic jam.” It can even be stuff you think deserves your feeling negative about it. However, count the times that you notice those things and see if you like that number. The bad things in life jump up and down and shout for our attention, and the good things sometimes just sit there quietly waiting for us to point them out and notice them and celebrate them. We have to make sure that we’re aware first when we have negative thoughts and feelings. We can have negative reactions to negative things. However, we’d be much more powerful in this world if we have positive reactions to negative things. We won’t be victims; we’ll be more powerful in the process. Be aware of the negative things in our lives. Be aware of the negative definition defin itionss that we have and whet whether her or not we’re projecting projecting those into the world and then reacting to a reflective definition. These 10 things we need to let go of; they take work. It takes ongoing work to develop our character. It’s going to take you roughly a lifetime. It won’t take much less than that. Because as you learn to be more peaceful, more loving, more happy to find the fear behind the anger, to let go of the jealo jealousies usies and insecurities insecurities that get in the way of your relationsh relationships ips and so on, you’ you’ll ll find new levels of behavior, new heights that you can aspire to, and you’ll want those. However, you’ll find yourself happy while you want them, not unhappy till you get them. You’ll have discovered cover ed the art of surr surrender ender in getting what you want with half the effo effort. rt.

Exercise: Why Can’t You Have It All? Write down the things that you think you can’t have in your life. Write anything — peace, love, happiness, joy, or adventure. Then write down why you think you can’t have those things. ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

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And when you’re done with that list, draw a big X through each one, one at a time. Pretend you’re you’ re the lawy lawyer er for the opposing side and writ write e down why that’s that’s a complete load of junk and why you actually can have those things in your life. Start focusing on the reasons you can have these things rather than the reasons that you can’t. You’ll start to realize that there’s less in your way than you thought and that these debilitating myths — meaning these myths that get in the way of your having the story that you want — aren’t necessarily true.

Session 8: THE POWER OF FAITH: THE ULTIMATE WEAPON AGAINST FEAR This session is about strategic surrender and the power of faith. You know, the subject of faith is compelling to some, frightening to others, and misunderstood by most. Yet, when one considers what it is that allows a human being to transcend and to grow, to even attempt to tap a higher level of his or her potential, it’s faith. All the talent or skills in the world would be useless without the courage to leave what we know and take ourselves into the unknown. And that courage comes from faith. When we start from a realm that we know, and we want to leave that place to go to another life, a life that maybe gives us more happiness, more peace, or more power, we’re going to have to leave the familiar behind. There are four main drivers behind what motivates us to venture into the experiential unknown: ignorance, curiosity, fear and faith. Ignorance Ignorance is is a great driver for us to learn things that we don’t know. If you don’t know something is hard, it will be easier for you to learn something than someone who has the preconceived idea that it is hard. Curiosity is also a driver to help us move toward that which we don’t know. But curiosity doesCuriosity is n’t serve us sometimes because it can lead us into areas we shouldn’t be in. Fear can be a driver — a very positive driver. It doesn’t have to be all bad. There are many peoFear can ple who are in shape physically, not because they want to look good, but because they are afraid of being overweight, or of getting cancer or a heart attack. So fear isn’t always a bad thing. Exercise: What Drives You In the following spaces, give an example of a time when you were driven by ignorance, curiosity, and fear. Perhaps you started to learn Japanese, but were ignorant of how hard it would be. Maybe you were curious to try sushi. Or, maybe there was a time when you took a job because you were afraid to be without one. Ignorance: ______________________________________________________________________________ Curiosity: _______________________________________________________________________________ Fear: ___________________________________________________________________________________


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Of the four drivers that can help us experience a world that we don’t yet know, faith faith can can be the most powerful. Please understand we are talking about faith and not courage. Courage is quite misunderstood. Courage really is just another response to fear. In fact, great courage requires great levels of fear. If you’re not afraid when you do something, then it isn’t courage when you act. Faith is one of the most necessary and important tools we have as humans. Faith is such a tool because becau se it can help get us past the biggest and most comm common on barriers in our lives: fear. fear.

Faith is the antidote to fear. Let’s begin with what faith actually is. Faith isn’t belief. While similar to belief, it’s much more powerful. power ful. Belief is large largely ly based on expectation expectation and hope, while faith is grou grounded nded in a firm con viction that goes far beyond hope. To change is to mature, and to mature is to go on creating one’s self endlessly. Life requires that we learn how to continuously step boldly into an unknown world that is beyond our control. While we are biological creatures of the present, living forever in the here and now, our lives will be shaped by the way we approach the next present moment to come our way. Most of us fear the unknown to varying degrees. Frankly, we’re smart to do so. We should be wary of that which we don’t know; otherwise we’d be fools. We’re more comfortable with the familiar than with the unfamiliar. Even if the familiar causes us discomfort, it’s a discomfort that we know, and by nature we’re more comfortable with what we know than what we don’t. When we want to change who we are or what we do in substantial ways, like losing 40 pounds or becoming wealthy or creating more loving relationships, we need to have a tool that goes beyond mere logic and reason. We need a tool that will allow us to behave differently than we’ve learned in the past. We need to make a leap of faith that compels us to behave in a certain way with a firm conviction that if we do, something good will come of it. In the context of the art of surrender, faith is the ultimate surrender. It requires that we surrender all that we experientially know to something that we don’t know. If we do this correctly, any fear that we may have had will go away. In this way, faith is the antidote to fear. Faith and Religion Are Two Different Things Quite a few people in this country have a backlash to religion. The exclusionary nature of some religions bothers many people today in this culture. For many reasons, formal religion doesn’t work for a lot of people. It doesn’t appeal to their sensibilities. What’s important here is that we understand the difference between faith, spirituality, and religion, and how faith in many forms, and in any form that you choose, can be a great tool for you. Any religion, no matter what religion it is, is manmade. It’s based on a system of dogmas and practices and beliefs that can lead you on a path toward righteousness using the power of faith.

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In that way, religion is very effective. If you study religions throughout history, they have been a very effective tool in helping society learn and live in a way that allows people to exist for something greater than themselves. But faith and religion don’t necessarily have to be attached. If you don’t go to a synagogue or a church or a temple and you don’t feel that you have religion in your life, it doesn’t mean that you have to turn away from and not be able to benefit from the power that faith can bring to you in your life.

Faith is knowing that which you have no real reason to believe. Almost everyone has heard the term self-fulfilling prophecies. We know that we can bring about bad things in our lives just because we believe that that’s the story. We know also that we can bring about good things in our lives because we believe that that’s the story. But, it’s not belief, it’s faith. We actually have faith in the mythological power of the story. What’s the difference between faith and optimism? Optimism is just believing that some good outcome will happen because it’s better to believe to be positive than to be negative. Optimism isn’t bad, but it can’t substitute for the power of faith. Now that we’ve talked a little bit about the distinctions between faith and religion, faith and optimism, and the different types of faith, let’s talk about faith in trust, because faith requires trust. And trust is one of the most misunderstood concepts. Trust Is Given, Not Earned Another concept we’ve all heard is that trust isn’t just given, trust has to be earned. Well, that’s actually not true. It sounds good; perhaps it’s something we heard as we were growing up. Perhaps it was an effective tool that our parents used in raising us. But in the end, trust isn’t earned, it’s given. All the earning in the world can take place without trust. Trust doesn’t exist until someone gives it. Faith requires that kind of trust. You see, we can’t wait until whatever it is we have faith in to have earned our trust. Instead, faith has to be given. That’s why they call it a leap of faith. It’s not a step, it’s not a test, it’s not a “let’s see how this goes.” Faith requires a leap. Exercise: Take a Leap To illustrate the concept of a “leap of faith,” think back to a time when you did that. Perhaps you launched a new business with no guarantee it would work out. Perhaps you had a child when your life wasn’t completely ready. In the following space, write an example of a time when you trusted enough to take a leap of faith: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Is there a leap of faith you should be taking now?


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Faith Is Transferable One of the most amazing things about faith is that you can actually transfer it to someone else and not lose it yourself. There are times we’ll do things for others that we won’t do for ourselves. For example, if you promise yourself to get up every day to work out, there are some days that you might be tired or you don’t feel as well, and you say, “Well, maybe I can be better if I get extra sleep versus if I work out today.” And you’ll talk yourself into sleeping in. Some of us can do this. However, if you have an appointment to get your car in or go to the dentist, you’ll be more true to that appointment. We have a tendency to want to do things for others that we wouldn’t do for ourselves. Even if you don’t feel compelled to experiment with learning how powerful faith can be for you in your life, think about those you love. Think about how much you could help them in their lives with your faith. Maybe that’ll be enough to encourage you to experiment with the power of faith in learning how it can be the antidote to fear. Exercise: Give It Away Who in your life has given you faith when you needed it? It could be a parent who believed you could achieve something you didn’t think you could. It might be a boss who had faith that you could handle a professional challenge. In the following space, write down an example of a time when someone transferred his or her faith to you. ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Now think of the times when you have faith and give it to someone else. To whom do you transfer faith? To whom could you give more? ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ You’re Already Faithful You practice faith every day, when you get out of bed and go to work, when you get into a car and drive, you’re practicing faith that the person coming at you is not going to cross the line and run into you. Without faith, how would you be able to continue to even do that? Exercise: What Would You Do If You Could Not Fail? The next time you find yourself faced with fear fantasies of all the possibilities that could go wrong in your life, stop yourself. Say, “My, isn’t this interesting?” Then think about what you would do if you knew you couldn’t fail. What would you do? Whom would you call? Whom would you ask for help? What actions would you take? __________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Let those actions and those thoughts consume your psychic energy. Remember, you have only so much energy. If you direct it all with faith, there won’t be any energy left to feed your fears. And that will be the beginning of understanding the power of faith.

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Session 9: HOW TO PROFIT FROM YOUR KNOWLEDGE: THE FIVE STEPS TO WISDOM In this advanced day and age we’ve never been smarter about so many things. We’re a sophisticated society. We’ve got modern technology on our side. We know more about ourselves than we ever have before. Yet, there have never been more people working so hard to be happy, working so hard to find peace, working so hard and yet left feeling unfulfilled. One of our challenges is that we confuse awareness and knowledge with wisdom. This session talks about the differences between awareness, knowledge, and wisdom. Plotinus in ancient Greece said that knowledge, if it doesn’t determine action, is dead to us. Why would Plotinus have any reason to make that statement back in ancient Greece if back in the ancient times there weren’t know-it-alls? Just like today. What’s a know-it-all? A know-it-all is someone who knows what he or she should do but doesn’t profit from that knowledge. It must be a human condition, not just a condition of our time, for Plotinus to have noticed it back in his day. Exercise: Are You a Know-It Exercise: Know-It-All? -All? For this exercise, identify at least one area in which you have the knowledge to manifest success but aren’t applying it. ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

The Five Steps to Wisdom Awareness Awaren ess Consideration Experimentation Experience Commitment In this session we’re going to make a distinction between the five steps to wisdom. The five steps are simple: They’re awareness, consideration, experimentation, experience, and commitment. You see, we don’t just know something and then start profiting from it. It’s not an automatic process process like that. Instead, Instead, what we do is we unco unconscio nsciously usly go through these five steps before we can actually profit from our knowledge.


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Awareness, the first step to wisdom. wisdom . Clearly we have to become aware of something before we know it in any way at all. If you’re not aware of it, it doesn’t exist in your world. So you can’t know anything you’re not aware of. You can’t consider anything you’re not aware of because it doesn’t exist in your realm. For example, in another session we talked about how under all anger is fear. Well, you may have had an anger management problem your entire life and not known how to find the fear that was under or beneath or driving your anger. The awareness of that fact can lead you to start to consider, experiment, and have more positive experiences with managing your anger. But until you became aware that fear feeds anger, you can’t know it. You can’t consider it; you can’t experiment with it. So in this regard awareness is, obviously and necessarily, the first step of the five steps to wisdom. The essence of learning begins with an awareness of ourselves. Until we do what’s necessary to bring unproductive definitions and contexts to our conscious awareness it will not be possible for us to take the next step. Like everything everything else that leads to huma human n grow growth, th, acquiring acquiring wisdom is a process, and that process begins with awareness. Exercise: Develop Awareness In the previ previous ous exercise exercise you identified identified one area in which you have the knowl knowledge edge to mani manifest fest success, but aren’t applying it. When did you become aware of the area? For example, if the area is losing weight, when did you first become aware of the concept of weight loss? ________________________________________________________________________________________ The second step to wisdom is consideration. As consideration. As you’ve been listening to the concepts and stories and thoughts in this program, you’ve become aware of some things perhaps that you weren’t weren ’t aware of befor before. e. The next automatic automatic step that your mind went to was to consider them in your life. The distinction between being merely aware of something and considering something is that you enter yourself into the equation. You’re not just aware of an objective fact that exists alone in the universe, you’re now considering what does that mean to you. Exercise: Consid Exercise: Consider er This At what point did you begin to consider the area as it related to you? In our weight-loss example, when did you realize that you, personally, could benefit from losing weight? ________________________________________________________________________________________ In other words, if it doesn’t serve me, if it doesn’t have a positive effect on me, how could I make it serve me? How can I change the meaning of that myth? How can I change its effect on my life? In this way, consideration is a natural human step. Once we become aware of something, in order for it to have meaning for us, we need to go to the step of consideration. How do we fit into that? How does it affect us? Many of us go through life unaware of that which we feel, unaware of why we feel it, even unaware of things that we know or how we know them or why we know them or how we came

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to know them. You know, for example, on some levels, the stories that drive you. Yet you’re unaware perhaps that they drive you. You’re unaware perhaps of how they affect who comes into your life and how it affects the circumstances of your life. We don’t consider what they mean in terms of the happiness and the outcomes, the peace, the power that we might be looking for. Exercise: Spend Some Time Alone Give yourself time to consider. I love the quote by Thoreau when he said, “Sometimes as I idly sit on Walden Pond, I cease to live and begin to be.” Stop thinking about deadlines and commitments and tasks and goals, and just consider. You know, we enter each age of life as a novice. You’re now this age. You’re now at this time, in this world, which hasn’t existed before. Who are you? How do you feel? What does it mean? What are your truths? Do they serve you? And so on. And this consideration, not of things, but of ourselves, helps us become more aware of what we know, more aware of who we are, and leads to greater consideration of Is what we know and is who we are going to lead us to what we want? For this exercise, find a way to spend time alone daily. If you have to get up 15 minutes earlier for work and go sit in a parking lot somewhere or in a park somewhere in your car because the house is a zoo in the morning, then do it! Whether or not you come to any great realizations about yourself, you’ll find one outcome. You’ll have much more patience and much more time for others because you’ll stop blaming them for the time that you don’t have for yourself. True consideration is the necessary second step on the path to wisdom. It’s a step we have to take in order to profit from any new awareness we may have. It allows us to think about how we might use this new information, this new awareness, in order to form a more positive and edifying context that will allow us to shift our perspective and create better outcomes for ourselves. Consideration leads to the third step: experimentation. What experimentation. What is real experimentation? Experimentation is an operation undertaken to discover some unknown principle or effect. In other words, it’s the process of gaining knowledge through trial and error. We can’t know the outcome of what we’re experimenting with until we experiment with it. For us, the experiment is the act of doing. The experiment is acting on that which we’ve considered. It sounds as if that would be an easy thing to do. If we became aware of something and we considered it and it sounded good or positive to us, then we’d want to experiment with it. But let’s keep in mind, we are more comfortable with that which we know than that which we don’t. To experiment requires that courage and that faith that we talked about. At this stage, we’re dealing with something that by definition we don’t yet know. Because if we knew it, it wouldn’t be an experiment. Experiment doesn’t require a leap of faith. An experiment is like a step, you can keep one foot on the ground while you place the other one in front of you, see how it feels and then lift your back foot up. So experimenting with new concepts isn’t as daunting as taking a leap of faith.


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Exercise: Experiment! In the area we’ve been talking about, have you experimented? If so, what have you done? In our weight-loss example, what experiments have you done? ________________________________________________________________________________________ The fourth step to wisdom is experience. experience . Now we need to make a distinction between experiment and experience. It’s difficult to have an experience before experimentation because by its very definition, we can only experiment with things in order to have that experien experience ce of knowing. Once you experiment with your awareness of how to make a cake, for example, you’ll have an experience; you’ll have a cake. This sounds obvious. But please understand, it’s not. It’s not obvious to most people in their real life, because because most people are merely aware — most people don’t don’t know how to prof profit it from their knowledge. If they did, Plotinus’ words wouldn’t be so true today when he says, “Knowledge, if it doesn’t doesn’t deter determine mine action, action, is dead to us.” Peopl People e woul wouldn’ dn’tt know more about how to be happy and yet still be unhappy. Exercise: Experience In the above area, after you experimented, what did you experience? Again using the weight-loss example, have you experienced losing weight? If so, when? ________________________________________________________________________________________ There’s more information about how to live a fulfilled and meaningful life available to someone today with no money, with no resources, than ever before in history perhaps. Yet, people are still out searching, looking for their meaning, trying to buy their happiness, trying to find it in other people and relationships and jobs and so on. So if this sounds obvious, look around and notice that sometimes common sense isn’t common.

Wisdom is knowledge put to work. Now we’ve gone through four of the steps, awareness, consideration, experimentation, and experience. But we still don’t have wisdom. What we have now is mere knowledge. Knowledge is good. They say knowledge is power. It’s not true. What you do with knowledge is power. To know something alone and not do anything with it is not power. We need the fifth step to profit from our knowledge, knowledge, and doing so is wisdom. Wisdom Wisdom is knowl knowledge edge put to work.

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The fifth step is commitment. It’s wholehearted commitment that puts knowledge into action. Once we’re truly committed, we won’t keep sticking our toe in the water and pulling it back. We’ll have the courage to dive in right through the wave and come out wiser on the other side. As the Scottish writer W. H. Murray put it in The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, “Until one is committed, there’s hesitancy.” That moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. Commitment starts to put the universe to work for you. Commitment is more than decision. Decision happens in an instant. Commitment happens over time. When we truly commit to our self-development, to getting what we want more often with less effort, effo rt, to focu focusing sing on the things that will real really ly bring us what we want, we’ll have the cour courage age when life is most challenging, when we’re faced with the most adversity, to experiment in those times of adversity with what we know we should do, not go back to what we’re comfortable doing. Not to give a knee-jerk reaction and get mad because that’s how we’ve always handled adversity in the past, but perhaps to consider our desire to be right or our negative stories and how they’re driving us, how they’ve driven us in the past but don’t have to drive us in the future, and so on. Commitment gets us through those moments positively. And that’s how we build our character. If you’ll commit to the five steps of wisdo wisdom m combi combined ned with using the four rules of engag engagemen ement, t, just those sections of this program, you’ll get more of what you want more often, and you’ll be happier in the process. See, through commitment we use the power of time. Life can simply be broken down to time and energy. We are creatures of the moment. How we spend that energy now affects our future in ways we can’t even comprehend. comprehend. If you use the power of commitment commitment you’ll be inves investing ting in the certainty of time. And you’ll benefit in ways from that that you can’t imagine because you’ll be putting your knowledge to work for you. Exercise: Make the Commit Exercise: Commitment ment In the following space, make the commitment to put your knowledge into action. In the area you’ve been working on in this session, make the commitment to use the knowledge and take action. TO COMPLETE — PRINT THIS PAGE — FILL IN YOUR COMMITMENT AND SIGN IT. IT. KEEP THIS COMMITMENT COMMITMENT WHERE YOU WILL SEE IT EVERYDA EVERYDAY Y.

My Commitment: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________ Date and Signature


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Session Ten: HAPPINESS AS A WAY OF LIFE: CHERISH THE CHASE AS MUCH AS THE TROPHY In this session we’re going to talk about happiness. Happiness, not as moments of happiness, but happiness as a way of life. If you’re like most people, you spend a great deal of your life looking for happiness in the wrong places. We spend a great deal of our lives wanting one thing but looking to something else to find it. We think that if someone loves us we’ll be happy. We think that if we have money we’ll be happy. We think that if our circumstances change we’ll be happy. Chances are, if you took a poll in this country Chances country and asked people if they they’re ’re happy, happy, most people will say that they are about as happy as they could be given their circumstances. Yet, if you ask people if circumstances in life dictate happiness, most people will say no. You have to find your own happiness. So where’s the disconnect? Exercise: I’ll Be Happy When… Make a list of all the events or situations that you think would make you happy. Maybe it’s when you have enough money that you don’t have to worry about the future. Or, when you can retire or when you get married, when you have a baby, when the kids get married, when they have kids, when you move into a bigger house, etc. ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Now think about how many of those things you used to think would make you happy have already happened. Ask yourself if they have really brought you to higher levels of happiness consistently in your daily life. Think about how that implies that given your current context, you’ll never be happy. Next, think about people who have all those things. Are they stress free? Are they problem free? Are they happy at the level that you’re seeking in your life? Perhaps what you’ll see when you do this exercise is that to postpone our happiness for some future circumstance that we can’t control is foolish. It’s not based in any reality; it’s just based on some story, some context that we made up that if and when this happens, we will be happy.

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If we really really,, truly are serious about wanting to be happy happy,, we have to stop attaching happiness to some of the things that we aspire to in our lives. It’s good to aspire; it’s good to test out our capacities. As we’re able to create more accomplishments and achievements in our lives, our capacities rise. Very rarely will a person say, “You know what, this is the best I can do at everything I’m doing.” The human capacity doesn’t work that way. We grow to another level and our capacity grows again, once again, beyond our reach. So to say that we’ll be happy when we have some level of achievement based on our current reality is to put off our happiness perhaps forever, because in our future reality, we will raise the bar of what we want. And then we’ll attach that happiness to that new level of achievement. This is a recipe for never bringing happiness and peace into our lives. Many things can interfere with our happiness in the present. Our fears, our anxieties about our futures, and our regrets about the past can all hold us back from experiencing happiness right now. Our capacity to be happy in the future is directly related to our ability to find happiness in the present. Don’t Miss the Music of the Moment Regardless of our circumstances, we all have our difficult passages in life. While we’re going through those passages, we have to remember that we’ll get through them. We’ll be okay. As a matter of fact, we may even learn something from them and grow from them. But in the meantime, people are listening to what’s coming out of the end of our horns. They’re deciding that’s who we are. And they’re deciding, based on who we are, how they’ll treat us. But worst of all, we’re missing the music of the moment. Too often we tune into the static and the noise, and we miss the music. Sometimes we even treat the people that we love the most the worst while we work toward the happiness that we’re looking for. Get Out of the Way! When it comes to happiness, there are two things that get in the way. One is that we don’t live in the now. Another is that we regret. We don’t live in the now because we regret things or we long for things. We’re mortgaging our happiness for some other time that exists, forgetting that we will never exist in another time. We will only ever exist in the now. Exercise: Things That Make Me Go “Ahhhh…” For this exercise, take 60 seconds and list anything and everything that you appreciate in your life. Write down anything and everything that brings you any level of happiness, joy, or giggles. What might happen is that you may start to write and think, “Hmm… I don’t like this that much.” There are a lot of things in your life that make you feel good. They may not make you happy, they may not qualify for out-and-out belly laughter, they may not qualify for nirvana, but they do make you feel good. That’s what goes on this list.


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Things that make me feel good: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Now, how do you feel? Do you feel happier right now than you did before you started this exercise 60 seconds ago? You probably do. What you’ve just discovered with your experiment is that happiness is in fact a byproduct; it’s not an end product.

Happiness is something that ensues, not something that can be pursued. Happiness is a byproduct of appreciation. What you did is you used the principle that we only have so much psychic energy at any one point in time. So by forcing you to think of everything you like, we used all of your psychic energy, brought all of that attention to that which you liked. When that happened, as you focused on those things, your appreciation for those things rose. Your appreciation went up as you brought your psychic energy to those things. And as your appreciation rose, your level of happiness rose. That’s how happiness works. That’s why most people that chase happiness can’t get it. It’s like grabbing water. Happiness is a byproduct of appreciation. So, practice cultivating your appreciation. As you go through your day, voice your appreciation, internally, externally, however you can, for the things that you like and appreciate. Practice appreciating, practicing noticing what you appreciate, and practice sharing what you appreciate with the people who are around you. You’ll find that pretty soon you’ll be pretty good at being happy now. This is not necessarily going to be easy. It requires effort in the moment. It requires the effort of bringing your psychic energy to that which serves you, to good context, good definitions. Cultivating your happiness by cultivating your appreciation. And it’s basic. But it’s about practicing the basics. In fact, if you practice these basics and you make them a part of your life, you’ll be amazed as a bonus that you’ll have all the things you were looking for and it won’t be half as hard as you thought. And as a byproduct, you’ll be happier in the process.

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Session Eleven: BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN WHAT YOU KNOW AND WHAT YOU DO In this session, we’ll talk about how you can best bridge the gap between what you know and what you do. What really counts in life isn’t what we know, it’s how much we’re able to do with what we know. A good definition of the true measure of one’s intelligence should be measured by something called the TQ, or the time quotient. The time quotient is the amount of time that passes between when we become aware of something and when we actually profit from our knowledge. There is nothing between you and beginning this process of shortening the time between awareness and action. Here are some actions you can start taking today. Number One: Make everyone your teacher. We teacher. We don’t pride ourselves to our lessons, we humble ourselves ourselves to our lessons. lessons. But some sometimes times we forg forget et that. You see, humi humility lity is the key for us, if we really want to be students. And the other part of that humility is making everyone our teacher teach er,, not just people that we admire and respe respect, ct, but also when we see people do thin things gs that we don’t admire, don’t respect, or perhaps don’t even like. In making everyone our teacher, let’s also make sure that we understand that no one is perfect. A lot of us, as students, look for that perfect teacher until we find that perfect flaw. And then they’re no longer our teacher. Instead, have a number of people who are your teachers, and each one of them can teach you different things. In our lives we’re surrounded by people who are less than Christ-like, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t teach us something or be our role models. Exercise: Who Was Your Teacher Today? Think back to today, or yesterday. Identify one person who was your teacher because he or she was someone you respected and admired. Who was it, and what did he or she teach you? ____ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Now, identify another teacher from today or yesterday. Choose this person because you didn’t respect, agree with, or admire what the person was doing. What happened, and what did you learn? __________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Number Two: Practice accepting reality. Remember, reality. Remember, we talked about how if we don’t accept reality, we’re flirting with insanity. One of the ways that we should accept reality is to say, “There isn’t going to be a time in my life when pain doesn’t exist, when stress doesn’t exist, when worry doesn’t exist, when problems don’t exist. I’m a human being and these things exist in the human condition. What I have to do is learn to cultivate my appreciation while these things happen.”


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You can choose to be happy and learn to be happy in a world full of problems. Remember, the world’s a mess, it’s always been a mess, and it’s not ours to fix it. It’s ours to learn how to be happy and effective in it. Now one of the things about accepting reality is to understand that happiness and unhappiness don’t exist separate and apart from each other. They exist at the same time in different levels. At any point in time we are feeling some level of happiness. And at the same point in time we’re feeling some level of unhappiness. When we begin to grade things, we focus our psychic energy on perhaps the things that we don’t have. We may pull ourselves and be compelled to start thinking in negative terms. When we learn to accept this perfect reality, which is less than ideal in our minds, we can also balance that by making sure that we’re practicing celebrating life. Number Three: Practice using the power of context. context. Remember, it’s very difficult for us to get to our myths or our driving truths, our stories. But it’s not difficult for us to shift the context. It’s difficult for us to deny how we feel; as a matter of fact it’s almost impossible to deny how you feel. But it’s not difficult to change what something means. In shifting our context we help find power in a process rather than feeling victimized by it. A lot of times when people bring their problems to us, the first thing they want is for us to honor their pain. Sometimes we can solve their problem instantly and so we do. And then they don’t seem quite happy with us at the moment because we didn’t honor their pain. Once we’ve sufficiently honored their pain, when we’ve honored them and their perspective, we can begin to help them with their problem. Instead of solving their problem, help them find a context where they can find power in their problem. Exercise: Help Someone Else Identify someone in your life who has a problem. How can you help that person shift the context and find the power in the problem? Who is the person? ______________________________________________________________________ What is the problem? ___________________________________________________________________ What is his or her current context? _______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ What is a new way of looking at the situation? _____________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Number Four: Reduce the amount of clutter in your life. This life. This program has talked a lot about removing the amount of clutter in our minds, choosing our strategic battles, choosing our strategic surrenders, fighting only the battles that we know we can win, letting go of the things that we can’t. Having faith to do so. This translates to physical clutter as well. Clearing out the clutter in your life will allow you to focus more on what you really love and what really makes you happy.

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Exercise: Get Rid of the junk Go through your drawers and your closets and your rooms, and if you find anything that you haven’t used in a couple years, box it up and put it away. Anything that you use daily, make sure you can get to it quite easily without having to move something. And anything you just use once in a while can go on a higher shelf or toward the back of the drawer. Organize your life in terms of that usefu usefulnes lness. s. If ther there e is anything you haven’t haven’t used in over three or four years, years, thro throw w it away. You don’t need it. You don’t need to have it around you unless it has some really strong emotional attachment to it. Now this may be difficult for some of you to do because we like our stuff. We’ve accumulated our stuff. As a matter of fact we keep accumulating stuff; we have some stuff that is other people’s stuff that we’re now holding because it was their stuff and we’re holding it for them. Take a look at your life and the way you’re organized and say, “You know what? I haven’t worn these clothes in five years; chances are I’m not going to. Let me give them away. You know, I haven’t haven ’t used this piece on my desk for years years.. It’s been sitting there from a conve convention ntion that I brought back that I said I would get to and I’ve never gotten to it.” Take the time to clear your life out and take a look at your physical surroundings with new eyes so that you can take a look at yourself with new eyes. These things have a tendency to sometimes have an ability to be psychic anchors. And while some psychic anchors are good, some aren’t. You’ve admitted that in order for you to get what you want more often, you’ll have to learn to approach your life differently. That’s what this program is about. So give yourself a chance to see yourself differently; perhaps move your bed to the other side of the room. You know how when you get a new car you sometimes take a look at your life differently or when you move or paint a room or reorganize it, you just feel differently about your life because you’ve changed your familiar surroundings. It’ll break your patterns that you have from when you get up in the morning, when you sit down and have your cup of coffee, when you go to work. Break some of those patterns. It’s part of learning to let go. And it will help you see yourself in a new light. These are just some of the things that you can do to begin the process. This is a process that begins with the way you see yourself. When you can see yourself differently, you’ll see a different world and you will respond naturally to the world you see. In this process that we’re in, it’s important that we remember to accept, adjust, and advance. Life is a journey and where we are is perfect. It’s where we are. Now we adjust and we keep going.


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Session Twelve: HOW TO LEAVE A GREAT LEGACY Humans are the only species capable of contemplating our own mortality. Our death frightens us and yet we’re compelled to consider it. This, then, compels us to contemplate the meaning of life. Practically every one of us has at some point thought about how we’ll be remembered after we’re gone. It’s a central fact of human nature that we all want to believe our living has had some purpose and that we’ll in some way leave our mark on the world for having been here. That’s the ultimate expression of the second rule of engagement. Our greatest desire is to be right. The greatest validation of our rightness would be to have lived a life that in some way denies our mortality, a life that is bigger than ourselves, a life that transcends our own time on this earth. We want to leave our mark. The best way to leave a great legacy is to forget about it. We would be better off treating a legacy the way we treat happiness, as a byproduct of a life well lived. If we could learn through mindfulness, through bringing all we are to all we do, each moment at a time, through accepting reality for all of the less-than-ideal things that it brings to us, and choose a context in which we can find our power in the reality of the moment rather than be a victim to it, we will have lived a life well lived, and that will be legacy enough

Sometimes we get confused between our job and life. This is how we can learn to be the living example of that to which we aspire. And that’s the greatest legacy we can leave anyone, to show him or her that it’s possible to be happy in a messed-up world. Final Exam: Who Is in Your Way? For this final exercise, you are to write down the names of the people who have been in the way of your success. Who has been blocking you from happiness and success? Write down their names here: ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________

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How to tell if you passed the final exam. Is your name on the above list? If not, it should be. In fact, it should be the only name on that list. Cross out everyone else who is on the list except yourself. Because, until now, you have been the only one blocking yourself from authentic power. With the strategies you’ve learned in this program, though, that block can be gone. It’s possible to have power in an out-of-control world. While it’s not possible to win every battle, it is possible to strategically choose our battles and win the important ones while we strategically surrender the rest.

YOU CAN CHOOSE SUCCESS A NOTE AND SPECIAL GIFT FROM JOE CARUSO Thank you for listening to The Principles of Authentic Power . Think about how you felt before you ordered this program or before you listened to this program, when you were merely aware of it because friends told you about it or you read about it or saw it somewhere. You had hope. You had hope that what this title and the descriptions and the package and the marketing promised would help you manifest what you were looking for in your life. However, now that you’ve finished listening to it, and you’ve actually taken the action to openly consider consi der and objec objectivel tively y consider these concepts and how they might be able to help you in your life, you need to go beyond hope; you need to go to faith. You need to be able to experiment with these concepts. You need to bring them into your life and test them in your realities to see if they can work for you. But when you test them, you need to test them with a firm con viction of faith, because that will determine the outcome to a great degree. Through years of study, discipline and practice, I have developed a list of simple, powerful, and effective truths and perspectives that I call “Success Strategies.” I’m including them here as a special gift for Nightingale-Conant customers. I hope these strategies help you discover your success. Try choosing one strategy per day and use it throughout your day. Remember, when you test these, do so with a firm conviction of faith, because that will determine the outcome to a great degree.

Success Strategies • Realize that you are successful. You can’t be successful and not realize it. • Label all your emotions as either love or fear. • Take responsibility for your own happiness; stop blaming others. • Learn the power of commitment.


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• Give yourself time alone regularly. • Admit that your thoughts, attitudes, behavior, and actions determine who’s in your life and how they treat you. • Define yourself. • Share your goals with others. • Discover the power of sincerity and honesty. • Look for reasons to laugh. • Openly and sincerely compliment what you admire and respect. • Realize that your egocentricity is your biggest enemy. • Discover the true meaning of faith and commit to it. • Realize that at least 90 percent of everything you’ve ever worried about never even happened. • Know that you can’t be successful and be unhappy. • Realize that some people are toxic and should only be handled with great care and proper protective precautions. • Realize that you’re always in a negotiation, if not with others, then with yourself. • Know that guilt is an effective parent but an awful teacher. • Understand that it’s not what you know but what you do that counts. • Identify anger, guilt, fear, hatred, jealousy, animosity, and insecurity as poisons and stop taking them. • Discover that you’re either helping or hurting everyone you meet; and now that you know this, you’re responsible. • Learn that wisdom is knowledge put to work. • Understand the difference between acceptance and resignation. • Know that love has nothing to do with wanting to be needed. That’s insecurity. • Discover that the significant difference between a dream and a vision is action. • Know that true power is learning to respond rather than react. • Discover that love, acceptance, sincerity, and patience can solve almost any problem. • Realize that tenacity and focus are more valuable than raw talent. • Decide that you deserve to be happy. • Embrace the fact that true happiness is born of the ability to enjoy the moment. • Cherish the chase as much as you treasure the trophy. • Understand that life is perfect and everything is on schedule. • Learn the power of acceptance. • Avoid identifying yourself by your causes.

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• Realize that achievement is not success. • Realize that your life is an interactive game; it can’t be played alone. • Know that you can’t experience hatred without also experiencing fear. • Commit to improving your verbal and written communication skills. Poor communication is the cause of most problems. • Write down all the things you know “beyond the shadow of a doubt” and commit to them. • Allo Allow w peopl people e to discover; avoid trying to tell them. • Discover that the most powerful way to help those you love is to lead by example. • Realize that vanity is poison, laughter is medicine, and love is at once the action and the reward. We’re all unique; we’re all different people. But we’re all in this together alone. What I’ve tried to do in my life is live my life the best I can and share my lessons with others in ways that might inspire them to live a better life. And to have more of what they want. And to stop struggling with battles that they not only can’t win, but shouldn’t. I hope that this program has done that for you. I encourage you to listen to your favorite parts again, and even the parts that perhaps you didn’t agree with, to look for the nuggets there. Let me be your teacher, whether you agreed with me or not. The rest is up to you. The consideration, the experimentation, the experience is yours left to have. And then make that commitment to do what you can do to stop fighting the battles that you don’t need to fight. We wish you well on your journey, and we’d like to remind you that the happily ever after that you’re looking for will come, but it will come one day at a time. Good luck and may you find your authentic power! If you have any questions or comments, or want more information, visit my website at http://www.carusoleadership.com. Sincerely, Joe Caruso

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Add These Great Titles from Nightingale-Conant to Your Listening Library!

A Vi View ew from the Top: Moving from Success to Significance By Zig Ziglar 22150CD The 5 Forces of Wellness: The Ultraprevention System for Living an Active, Age-Defying, Disease-Free Life By Mark Hyman, M.D. 24030CD The Living Faith Series: Life-Changing Tools for the Growing Christian By Bill Hybels, Haddon Robinson and Luis Palau 20401CD When Having It All Isn’t Enough: Resolving the Top Ten Dilemmas of the High Achiever By Jim Warner 23120CD Forgive and Be Free to Create Your Ideal Life By Michael Wickett 22071CD Creating Miracles Every Day: How to Turn Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Experiences By Richard Carlson, Ph.D. 19110CD

All available from Nighti Nightingale-C ngale-Conant onant at phone: 1-800-525-9000 1-800-525-9000 or visit our website at www.nightingale.com or for our UK clients phone: 01803 666100 • nightingaleconant.co.uk. 23860PG1-WCDR

The Principles of Authentic Power

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