Why Men Pull Away

What is Meet Your Sweet?

What is Meet Your Sweet? Your new life starts today. With MeetYourSweet.com, you get the ultimate toolkit to creating the success you crave in Life and Relationships. We know that you’ve got the smarts to take care of most areas of your life. So why should dating and relationships be any different? That’s why we here at MeetYourSweet.com take a life coach’s perspective to romance. We don’t want to give you a paint-by-numbers program or dumb down what it takes to master REAL success. Rather, our goal is to empower you by giving you the life skills that you need to achieve a complete personal and social transformation… …the kind that will have you feeling confident, secure, desirable, and powerful, no matter what challenge you face! We’ve done the research, and we know what works. Our thoroughly researched, non-manipulative approach harnesses capacities that everyone has within them. Whether you’re male or female, young or old, single or in a relationship, we can help you become the absolute best you can be at relating with the opposite sex. Just imagine it. Gone are the days of struggling to get a date. Gone are the days of struggling to keep someone attracted. Gone are the days of worrying about whether you’re good-looking enough, popular enough, or captivating enough or to get attention from the opposite sex! With MeetYourSweet.com, you get expert advice from a team of the world’s greatest writers, life coaches, and counselors in the field of dating and relationships. Every Meet Your Sweet course includes collaborations with top names in the field. Our team of contributing authors includes our very own Slade Shaw and Mirabelle Summers, as well as Amy Waterman from 000Relationships.com and Andrew Rusbatch from SaveMyMarriageToday.com. So kickstart your personal and social transformation with MeetYourSweet.com. We look forward to hearing how our courses have changed you!

2

Why Men Pull Away

discover what he’s really thinking

What is Meet Your Sweet?

All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2012 MeetYourSweet.com No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or distributed in any form or by any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from MeetYourSweet.com. The information contained in this book is provided ‘as is’ without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall MeetYourSweet.com be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book.

www.meetyoursweet.com

Why Men Pull Away

3

Table Of Contents

Table Of Contents What is Meet Your Sweet?��2 Introduction: Why You’re Here��7 The Paleolithic Principle And The Dream Girl Factor Your 2 Keys To Lasting Relationship Success, Joy, And Loving, Rock-Solid Commitment��13

Part One: Making Your Man User-Friendly: Understanding The Male Mind Before You Do Anything Else Commitment 101: What Is Commitment, Anyway? ��18 If You Need Help Right Now ...��23 What Do You Want From This Relationship? ��36 Exercise: Create 5 SMART Goals You Want From Your Partner ��39 Find Out What He Really Thinks: How To Talk To Him About Commitment, Closeness, And Your Future Together��40 Are Your Hopes For The Relationship Unreasonable? How To Tell When You’re On The Right Track��44 Navigating The 5 Stages Of Commitment: How To Get From “Hello” To “We’re Soulmates” In 5 Easy Steps��48

4

Why Men Pull Away


Table Of Contents

Part 2 How To Get Him To Focus On You By Giving Him What He Doesn’t Even Realize He Needs What Makes A Man Fall In Love? ��56 “But My Guy Already Knows How Much I Love Him, And He’s Still Pulling Away!” ��60 5 Ways To Talk To Him About Your Relationship To Keep Things Moving Forward�64

Part 3 Things That Drive Men Away Nagging: Henpecking That Man Right Out Of Your Life��74 Why Is He So Grumpy? Why Men Go Into “The Cave” ... And How To Bring Him Back Out ��79 Argue Like A Dreamgirl Instead Of Fighting Like A Shrew ��82 Why Do Men Cheat? How To “Other-Woman-Proof” Your Own Relationship��88 What If He’s A Work Addict? ��96 What He’s Secretly Afraid Of (That’s Making Him Pull Away)��102


Why Men Pull Away

5

Table Of Contents

Part 4 How To Bring Him Closer What Makes A Man Start Thinking About Forever?��109 Keeping The Relationship Thriving�� 113 References��120

6

Why Men Pull Away


Introduction: Why You’re Here

Introduction: Why You’re Here Let me be clear: this is a book for women who want to know why the man in their life is “pulling away” from them. You might have solid proof that he’s pulling away from you ... or you might just have that deep-down, nagging “gut feeling”. You might be engaged already ... (heck, you might have been married for thirty years) ... or you might only have started dating yesterday. Whatever the timeframe, the agonizing truth is that men pull away for all sorts of reasons - and none of them feel good while it’s happening. But with the insights you’ll learn in this book, you will be flabbergasted at the incredible transformation you can create in your relationship - virtually overnight! If you read this book and make a solid commitment to internalize the lessons within and learn new ways to think about, talk to, and interact with your man, you’ll learn the truth about how men think and what they really feel - about you. You’ll learn how to “control” his reactions to the real you so that you can open up, share your deepest truths, and be totally vulnerable around him ... all the while secure in the knowledge that this vulnerability and emotional openness is being reciprocated by him. You’ll never have to feel like you’re “going out on a limb” or taking a risk with a man ever again ... Because with the secrets that you’re about to discover, you’ll learn how to listen with your heart to what he’s REALLY saying ... ... which means no more begging him to validate you ... ... no more feeling cold, empty, and insecure ...


Why Men Pull Away

7


... no more wondering why he’s not talking, why he’s not hugging you, why he’s not opening up about his feelings ... ... and no more “wondering what he’s thinking”, wondering what’s in his heart, or hoping for a verbal commitment from him EVER again! (You’ll be so busy getting smothered in physical affection, tender “soul-gazing” eye contact, spontaneous love notes, sexy mid-afternoon text messages, and full-body bear hugs that “wondering how he feels about you” will be the LAST thing on your mind!) You’ll learn how to get him to let down his “secret barricades” that no other woman has ever penetrated before ... so that you can “cross the moat” and come inside ... and see who he REALLY is.

(Hint: this is next-level “ninja” stuff, so be warned: once you get this figured out, he will imprint on you and will spend the rest of his life following you around like a helpless little puppy ... fixated on you, fantasizing about you, and unable to picture a future that doesn’t revolve around you!) The information in this book all boils down to the key elements of understanding how a man’s mind and heart really works, and communicating with him in a way that makes him feel like king of the world ... just so long as he’s got you (his Queen) by his side. You’ll learn how to set yourself up for a successful, happy, committed long-term relationship with a man (even if right now he feels like a total commitment-phobe and is constantly backing away from you) ... ... and you’ll learn how to do all this from a position of strength, security, and total feminine control - and the results will be so incredible that you’ll think you’ve transformed overnight into Aphrodite, the beautiful goddess of love. I’ve spent a long time, and a LOT of energy, on this stuff. I had to go through a lot of ups and downs, including a few painful failed relationships (and one failed engagement) of my own ... and I’ve spent years of my life studying,

8

Why Men Pull Away



researching, and learning what you’re about to learn. One of the big things I’ve realized is that men are just as excited about commitment, love, and having a truly happy, sexy, loving relationship as YOU are... ... but, they feel things differently, they talk about them differently, and most importantly, they have a totally different set of “warning systems” ... alarm bells that let them know you may not be “The One” ... than you do. And that all boils down to a lot of pain and broken relationships for everyone. If a woman doesn’t know much about a man and how his feelings about attraction, courtship, and commitment really work, then she’s going to run into a lot of problems in her relationships ... ... problems that prevent her from creating a relationship that lasts, and maybe even prevent her from ever experiencing true, lasting love. But if that same woman knows how love and attraction really work - not just from her side, but how they work for men ... If she knows how men think about commitment, what they need to feel in order to want commitment, and what makes a man fall in love, settle down, and want to marry ... And if she knows how to continually pre-empt and break down the barriers he periodically erects to keep her from getting closer and closer ... Then she knows EVERYTHING about how to create and enjoy a lasting, happy relationship, and she’s empowered to experience real love with a man who is her emotional equal. That’s where you’ll find The Paleolithic Principle handiest: a powerful, proven evolutionary fact that you can apply to ALL your relationships with men to become irresistibly more attractive to the male heart and mind.


Why Men Pull Away

9


The Key To Understanding Him Is Using And Applying The Paleolithic Principle You’ll learn how to get him to love you for your mind, not just your beautiful body … (remember, beauty fades, but a love based on who you are lasts forever!) … … as well as how to get him to trust you like he’s never trusted any other woman he’s ever known. WHY? Because, with the clear knowledge and wise, feminine understanding of how men think, feel, and function that you’ll gain from applying The Paleolithic Principle to your relationships and your partner, you will UNDERSTAND HIM like no other woman can. And that simple fact will make ALL the difference in your relationships! Remember, though: learning and applying radical new information to your life doesn’t happen in a split second. The Chinese philosopher Confucius said, “Everything takes longer than we think it will” ... and the same is true here. Don’t just read this book once and believe that’s all you need to do. Treat it as a workbook. Write in the margins. Do the exercises again and again. Come back to it often. Reread the parts that really “speak” to you. And remember: to experience and enjoy the kind of magical relationship that you desire and deserve, you need to APPLY this information to your partner! So don’t just read it, think about it, and talk about it: you’ve got to do it, too! You’re about to embark on the most important journey you’ll ever make as a woman: The journey of transforming yourself into a woman who understands men, attracts

10

Why Men Pull Away



love, and maintains emotional closeness effortlessly ... and this transformation may very well be the most incredible, rewarding experience of your life. So treat it as such. Don’t expect to become a virtuoso in the next 10 seconds. Instead, remember that learning to be great in relationships and great with men is like learning how to be a gourmet cook. It takes practice and learning ... and it takes awhile to learn the basics. Then, it takes a little while longer to put those lessons into practice and start turning out delicious meals regularly. Even when you think you’ve got your gourmet skills down, there’ll still be nights when you scorch the eggs or burn the sugar without meaning to. And sometimes it will feel as though all your effort and all your learning isn’t making any difference to the meals you’re trying to eat. But if you keep at it, and don’t give up, eventually you’ll become not just a cook, but a chef ... someone who’s turned necessity into an artform, whose grace and excellence inspire others ... ... whose food is not only sustaining and nourishing but beautiful and delicious. So ... DON’T YOU DARE STOP READING AND REREADING THIS BOOK UNTIL YOU ARE A MASTER CHEF! People will change when they want to, not because you want them to. That’s an important lesson. But the good news is, the skills you’ve already started to learn aren’t about changing the man in your life. He’s fine just the way he is (even if you may not think so right now.) Instead, you’re learning how to change yourself, how to become a more skilled and proficient “man-whisperer”, so that you can get the results and the successes that


Why Men Pull Away

11


you deserve ... and when you experience the sweetness of victory, you’ll know that it’s all about you, YOUR strength and wisdom as a woman, and what you’ve chosen to achieve. The more you understand about yourself and your habits with men, the more you discover about how men think and what this means for you ... And the more you’ll find yourself able to create the kind of lasting joy and true, committed love that women EVERYWHERE long for like nothing else. Read on to find out how to make your man “user-friendly”!

12

Why Men Pull Away


The Paleolithic Principle And The Dream Girl Factor

The Paleolithic Principle And The Dream Girl Factor Your 2 Keys To Lasting Relationship Success, Joy, And Loving, Rock-Solid Commitment As you’ll learn throughout this book, a man falls in love (and stays in love) based on how a woman makes him feel about himself when he’s with her. Knowing that simple fact is the key to your success - as you’re about to discover. To write this book, I surveyed thousands of men and women - people just like you - to find out what men really think about women, love, sex, and commitment; what questions women really want answered about the men in their lives; and how to boil it all down into a few simple, easily-applicable principles that you can use to improve your love life RIGHT NOW. This book takes the form of a Q&A: your most pressing questions answered, by real live men. I’ve read their results, peeked into their minds, and gotten them to unload some of their deepest, most personal secrets - yep, this is real “locker-room stuff” that women have never heard before. The 2 main principles in play? The Paleolithic Principle, where you’ll learn how to alter his gut-level, emotional feelings about himself when he’s with you. As you’ll see, this is the key to his heart. And empowering him to feel like his best self when he’s around you will lock you in a permanent emotional clinch with this man that not even Arnold Schwarzenegger could rip apart.


Why Men Pull Away

13

Your 2 Keys To Lasting Relationship Success, Joy, And Loving, Rock-Solid Commitment

The Paleolithic Principle is based on sound evolutionary science and the basic principles of human anthropology. Put simply, it comes from the fact that the male brain is wired VERY differently from the female brain. (I know … duh, right?) But in all seriousness, this has a massive impact on your life and the quality of your relationships with men. Once you learn how men prioritize things differently to you, how men feel and deal with their emotions differently from you, and WHY this is happening … … you will LITERALLY experience a LOVE BOMB exploding in your very own living room!

The nature of your relationships and the level of true emotional closeness you experience with men will drastically transform INSTANTLY, and you will become the kind of woman that every man DREAMS of getting: You’ll be that rarest of women: the one who actually UNDERSTANDS what he’s thinking and how he experiences relationships. Next, there’s The Dreamgirl Factor, where you’ll learn how to slough off your habitual, unattractive, fear-based responses to his distance and aloofness; and instead, break out your natural “dream-girl” response to enable his masculinity and trigger your own femininity without a second glance. You’re about to learn that men desire movement and momentum in their relationships like NOTHING else. Look at it this way: you know that feeling of boredom and “blah-ness” you get when you feel like he’s ignoring you, like he’s not recognizing and appreciating all your amazing, attractive feminine qualities, and how he’s just not really “there”? Well, HE feels that way, too – and he hates it just as much as you do! … Only, he feels it when things feel “motionless” in the relationship.

14

Why Men Pull Away


Your 2 Keys To Lasting Relationship Success, Joy, And Loving, Rock-Solid Commitment

For a man to experience fun, excitement, and anticipation in his romantic relationships, he needs you to trigger his “hunter/protector” instinct and CRAVE to cherish and protect you … And you’re about to learn EXACTLY how to do that, so the two of you can experience lasting bliss that grows more powerful over time, instead of fading back into dreary loneliness and neutrality! As you’ll see, femininity is what really draws in a masculine man like a moth to a flame - and once you learn how to act like a dream girl, you’ll have NO troubles keeping him close and connected!


Why Men Pull Away

15

Part One: Making Your Man User-Friendly: Understanding The Male Mind Before You Do Anything Else

Part One: Making Your Man User-Friendly: Understanding The Male Mind Before You Do Anything Else This is a book about getting closer to your man. It’s a book about getting more - way more - of your needs met. And it’s a book about understanding why he creates distance, why he hides the truth from you, and why he’s afraid to tell you what he’s really thinking about, feeling, and secretly wishing you would do. In other words, why you aren’t getting the kind of commitment you want and need and deserve to get. The first step is to understand what’s really going on inside his cranium. Men think differently from women (duh), they feel differently, and they prioritize different things. Until you understand a few basic facts about the male mind and how it works - like, what’s REALLY happening when he goes quiet ... why won’t he open up about his feelings ... and why does he always try to tell you what to do (and then get upset when you don’t take his advice?) ... ... until you understand what’s happening BEHIND these outcomes, you’ll stay stuck in the dark for a long time to come. You want your man to feel committed to you, right? Emotionally bonded, open and vulnerable and authentic, connected, and so close that nothing could come between you or shatter your bond. Well, great. We’re about to do just that. But before we do, we need to get a few things ironed out ... like, what does

16

Why Men Pull Away


Part One:Making Your Man User-Friendly: Understanding The Male Mind Before You Do Anything Else

“commitment” really mean, anyway? What kind of commitment do YOU want? What should you expect from a committed man? And do you even want to commit to this man, anyway??


Why Men Pull Away

17

Commitment 101: What Is Commitment, Anyway?

Commitment 101: What Is Commitment, Anyway? So what is commitment, really? If you’re anything like most women, you know that you want a committed relationship with a man ... but when pressed, you have a hard time nailing it down any further than that. Do you want a wedding ring? Do you want kids? Do you want a house together, a man who takes out the trash every Wednesday, and who takes all the overtime he can get just to provide for you back at home? Or do you just want a man who loves you, who wants you to be happy ... and to feel the same way about him? The truth is, commitment is much, much more than just a wedding ring or a set of vows. In fact, even though most women tend to place a lot of value on spoken words of commitment and love - “I love you, I love only you, I want to be with you forever” ... ... when it comes to true commitment, words are actually pretty much meaningless. A man could tell you that he loves you and wants to be with you until he’s literally blue in the face, but that doesn’t mean anything unless the feelings are there to back those words up. To a man, real commitment comes from a deep-down feeling - a soul feeling - that something is right and good, that you make him really happy, and that he simply wants to be with you because he just feels so darn amazing when he’s with you.

18

Why Men Pull Away



In other words, you need to get this fact about men: To the male mind, commitment happens when he’s happy being around you. So if he’s clearly happy being with you – he laughs a lot when he talks to you, he smiles when he sees you, he hugs you a lot, he tries to take care of you, he goes out of his way to make sure you feel safe and happy – then you can bet that he’s feeling the commitment, all right … even if he hasn’t talked about it AT ALL yet. Commitment doesn’t happen because you talk about it a lot, it doesn’t happen because you gave him an ultimatum (“Marry me or I’m outta here!”) ... ... and it can’t be faked, pressured, or asked for.

“If the commitment’s not there, it’s time to move on” - Larry Flynt, Esquire Magazine The truth is, real commitment is something that just happens naturally when two people are really happy together. It has nothing to do with promises, obligations, or even legal contracts like a marriage contract. Why? Because if commitment has to be enforced, asked for, or extorted out of him, it was never a true commitment in the first place! Think about it this way: picture something you really LOVE to do. If you thought about your absolute favorite thing to do - whether that’s dancing wildly with your girlfriends, driving down the interstate with the wind in your hair, or simply lying luxuriously on the couch and eating chocolate-fudge-chunk ice cream ... ... and then I said to you, “Okay, I want you to make a commitment to eating chocolate ice cream and going dancing 3 times a week for the rest of your life” ...


Why Men Pull Away

19


What would you do? Chances are, you’d laugh hysterically and then say, “But I was planning on doing that anyway!” ... see what I mean? When you really love someone , when that person makes you feel really, really happy inside, then commitment just happens naturally all by itself. Perfectly. Deeply. Permanently. And in its own, sweet time (not because you hounded him into saying the words you want to hear!) It doesn’t have to be forced. It doesn’t have to happen under duress. And it sure doesn’t come about as a result of having The Talk, issuing ultimatums, or threatening to leave unless he promises that he loves you. So if you’re worried that he’s not committed to you yet, because he’s constantly pulling away from you and putting up boundaries and barriers ... ... the first thing you need to do is relax and take a deep, deep breath. Heck, make it 10 deep breaths! The second thing you need to do is to remember this: For men, commitment happens naturally. It’s a natural byproduct of being happy with a woman and loving who she is and how he feels when he’s with her. So if you feel like the man in your life isn’t committed to you yet ... or if you can sense that he’s pulling away EMOTIONALLY even though he’s still saying the words of commitment that he thinks you want to hear ... ... don’t try to talk about it yet or have any deep, soul-searching conversations. And definitely don’t give him any ultimatums!

20

Why Men Pull Away



Ultimatums Will Destroy His Love For You, Even If On The Surface They Seem To Be Working. You’re about to learn what’s happening BEHIND the facade so that you can turn around those feelings of doubt and distance that your woman’s intuition is warning you about. You can’t make those feelings go away by talking about them. You can’t change the way he feels about you by forcing him to say that he loves you or even making him promise to marry you. What you CAN do is learn what he needs ... what YOU need ... and then learn how to put those your hands together, so that you can create the kind of relationship so fun, so satisfying, so connected and loving and REAL, that you won’t have to worry about commitment or whether he’s feeling “connected” to you - those things will literally take care of themselves! So sit tight. Don’t make any sudden moves. Even if things feel really distant and scary right now, that’s okay - you’re about to learn how to completely turn your relationship around and break all those barriers down into flecks of dust, so the two of you can hug, squeeze each other tight, and become emotional confidantes - the kind of couple that everyone else secretly envies! But remember, it won’t happen by forcing him to talk about it, so DON’T GO THERE YET. The scary truth is, you can do much more harm than good by trying out a “State of the Nation” talk with your man. I know you can sense distance there, and that’s why you’re reading this book. And it’s good that you’re tuned-in to his feelings and that you can sense shifts in the balance of your relationship. However, now is not the time to start trying to change things – not QUITE yet


Why Men Pull Away

21


(you don’t have the necessary tools yet … even though you’re about to in about, oh, 10 minutes from now!) You need to learn what’s going on before you get behind the wheel and turn the key in the ignition. Crawl before you walk ... walk before you run ... and learn the road rules before you drive that Lamborghini! So here’s what’ll happen next … ü You’re about to learn what you really want out of a truly committed, truly happy, close relationship. ü You’ll learn what you can expect from a man who’s committed to you. ü And then you’ll learn how to make him WANT to commit to you (even if you’re not in a relationship yet!)

22

Why Men Pull Away


If You Need Help Right Now ...

If You Need Help Right Now ... If your relationship really feels “on the rocks” and you need help right now, BEFORE you go any further, here are 10 fast, immediate do’s and don’ts you can use to drastically improve the quality of your relationship and start melting his “distance” away right now. This will tide you over until you have a chance to absorb the wisdom and understanding you’re about to get from reading the rest of this book.

5 Man-Friendly Do’s: • Do be really, really HAPPY! Men find happiness attractive more than anything else. And the most attractive form of happiness of all? Being happy with him! When a woman he cares about is happy, he’ll instinctively feel like he’s “winning”: like he’s fulfilling his role as protector and provider, and is living up to your needs. You don’t know it yet, but this is absolutely key to a man’s heart and love. And it all boils down to the Paleolithic Principle we were talking about earlier on. Remember, men need to feel like they’re winning. Their minds are so tuned-in to killing that deer, bringing home the bacon, fighting off marauding tribesmen, and keeping the family safe and provided for … in other words, ACHIEVING and PROVIDING for who he cares about (that’s YOU!) As a man, he NEEDS to feel like he’s “winning”. And as a woman, YOU have the ability to give him that precious gift more than anyone else in the world. And the best, most powerful way of letting him “win”, in a way that’ll communicate with his soul and empower his masculinity like NOTHING else?


Why Men Pull Away

23


This is incredibly powerful stuff that will trigger an irresistible gut-level attraction, and an automatic, “instinctual” sense of commitment so strong that he won’t even realize it’s happening - he’ll be too busy FEELING it instead.

“Happy, happy, happy, sexy, happy” - Michael, 29, on the top 5 characteristics a dream woman would have Put it this way: if you’re unhappy with your relationship, he’ll sense it - and he’ll NEVER want to commit to you. Why? Because most men’s biggest, most terrifying, top-secret fear is not making you happy. His entire sense of self-worth and masculinity is based on his achievements: how well he does at work, how well he does his job, and most of all, how well he does with YOU. Here’s how the male mind thinks about this stuff: a man who does great with the woman in his life is obviously a real man. (Hey, I didn’t write the rules. This is just how things are.) And when you let him know how happy you are with him and the relationship in general? He’ll feel like a god - and he’ll transfer those feelings onto YOU! For him to reach out and lavish you with joy, happiness, love, intimacy, emotional openness and commitment, he needs to FEEL like a strong, successful man. If he doesn’t feel that way, it’s going to be very hard for him to reach out towards you at all – he’ll feel so weak and small and shameful that he won’t have any energy or desire to give YOU what YOU need.

24

Why Men Pull Away



That’s just how men are. So let yourself be happy – really, REALLY happy - and love every minute of what you’ve got with the man in your life RIGHT NOW, whatever that may look like. Not for what it might be in the future. Not for what it could be. For what is, in this moment right NOW! Figure out what makes you happy right now, and then be happy with it - whether things are “perfect” or not, whether he’s “committed” or not, and whether things are “just how you always imagined” or not. Because when he sees (and more importantly, feels) how happy YOU are, he’ll begin to feel stronger, more powerful, and more like the provider he was designed to be … and he’ll associate those powerful, positive feelings with you.

• Do use the Paleolithic Principle and express LOTS of warm, loving, feminine affection for him! When you get right down to it, the one thing that makes a man happier than anything else is his ability to make YOU happy. This makes him feel really happy and really fulfilled, almost like he’s “succeeding at life”. (Wow!) If you want your man to really “glow” inside and to really crave your company and

feel literally addicted to YOU, you need to learn how to make him feel good about himself. And you give him permission to do so by obviously liking him a lot yourself. A recent survey by Men’s Health revealed that 70 percent of men think that regular compliments directed their way are incredibly important (Zinczenko, 78) ... and not just important, but downright necessary for their feelings of happiness and fulfillment in a relationship. You know how you feel when you get all gussied up in a great dress or a hot pair of jeans, and he doesn’t say anything other than the obligatory, “You look nice”?


Why Men Pull Away

25


Well, guys are just the same way. Secretly, he’s hoping you’ll notice his good looks, how great he looks in that suit, how broad his shoulders are ... and that you’ll comment on them, out loud, where he can hear (bonus points if other people can hear, too.) We all like to be liked. And if you want your guy to cherish you, then start expressing what it is you like about him - a lot. Say it out loud. Write him notes. Leave him a card. Use words and TELL HIM what made you fall for him – and keep falling for him every day. Use your body to say it, too. Yes, you can initiate lovemaking more, but there are other options too: pat him on the butt when you walk past in the hallway. Kiss him softly on the cheek when you see him in the morning (or just for any old reason, actually, is even better.) Squeeze his bicep, hug him close, whisper sweet nothings in his ear. (There’s just something about whispering that’s sexier than talking out loud.) Tell him how lucky you feel to have him in your life, how idiotic his ex was to let him slip through her fingers, how cute he looks with 4 days’ worth of stubble ... whatever it takes to let him know that he’s not taken for granted. Because when he knows he’s making you happy, he’ll want to KEEP making you happy. A little bit of oil is all that’s needed to get the machine moving!

• Do break out your best, shiniest, most feminine “bait”! Analogy time: If you’re the hook ... and a happy, loving relationship with the man you love is the big, shiny fish you’re hoping to snag ... then you need to know one thing:

26

Why Men Pull Away



“The fish does not go for the hook, but after the bait” - Czech proverb Fish don’t bite hooks. They go for the bait! And while your intelligence, your wit, your love of animals, and your cheerful, engaging, attractive personality may be the hook (what will actually “snag” that fish), your appearance is the bait ... And your bait is what causes the fish to bite in the first place! If you want your man to bite - and keep biting, hard - you need to make your bait as attractive as possible. So polish it up. Get out the juicy stuff. The better your bait, the bigger the fish you’ll attract ... and the more voraciously he’ll chomp onto that shiny, sharp hook waiting beneath ... and then boom! You’ve caught yourself the hunky, super-sized catfish that everyone else has been drooling over for years. This is nothing to obsess about. You don’t have to rush out and get yourself waxed and plucked within an inch of your life (although it wouldn’t hurt.) Perfection is not required - and you don’t have to be “beautiful” or “gorgeous”, either. But you do have to make the best of what you’ve got - and at least try to look good! In practical terms: don’t scrimp on basic attraction. Wash your face, floss and gargle, and make a point of really putting yourself together whenever you leave the house. (Even if it’s just to the grocery store – do it anyway. You’ll look good, and you’ll FEEL good: like a strong, confident, attractive woman.) If you like to wear makeup, then wear some (but not too much. We want to see your


Why Men Pull Away

27


face, not the bog covering it.) Dress well, in clothes that flatter your body and feel good on your skin - and in a size that fits your body as it is right now (not what you’d LIKE it to be. Pinched skin and bulging fat make nobody feel sexy.) Don’t turn into one of those women who just wear bathrobes and sweat pants around the house all weekend. Break out the stretchy jeans. Try a v-necked shirt once in awhile. A little lipgloss does wonders. Don’t give up on looking good just because you’re older or you’ve been together for ages! And take care of yourself, too, so that you’ll glow on the inside as well as the outside: get 9 hours of sleep nightly. Sweat once a day, to let your skin regenerate. Take spirulina. Brush your teeth. You know - be the woman that you’d want to check out if you were a guy. Because even though he’ll never admit it, secretly, he wants you to make that effort. He wants to enjoy checking out your butt when you bend over to get the coffee cups. And he wants to know that the “spark” that makes you go to all that effort in the first place - the spark you feel for yourself, the spark that lights up when you know you look good, the spark you feel for for HIM - is still there.

• Do let your feminine personality shine! Let’s not mince words: femininity is what attracts a man. And the more masculine he is, the more he’ll appreciate a feminine woman. (Here’s that Masculinity Mastery principle at work again!) Now, before you go getting all up in arms about women’s rights and so on, just back down and take a deep breath, because this has nothing to do with equal pay or glass ceilings or any of that jazz. It simply means that you let yourself FEEL like a woman ... that you ACT like a woman ... and that, by so doing, you give him permission to act like the strong,

28

Why Men Pull Away



capable, masculine man that he’s hoping you recognize him as. Don’t have long hair and don’t like skirts … or scream at the sight of a spider? Not to worry, because being feminine isn’t about being a ridiculous, helpless 50’s pinup. This is about your inner femininity. Beauty fades anyway, and without the inner qualities that make him melt, all the dangly earrings in the world aren’t going to help out here. So instead of relying on the high heels and blusher, get in touch with what it is that makes you feel feminine on the inside. Work on developing your feminine emotional range - the qualities that turn the head (and heart) of a real “man’s man”. Those qualities include joy, warmth, love, compassion, sympathy, sensitivity, sweetness, tolerance, positivity, and acceptance. Bring them into your daily interactions and watch the “jolt” they’ll give him (and the surprising pleasure it’ll bring you to emphasize these womanly traits in your own character!) Plenty of times, women get lost in their more “masculine” traits of decision-making, problem-solving, fault-finding and confrontation. They become hard and stony, without even realizing it. Men love it when you act like a woman, because that gives him permission to act and feel - like a man ... without even thinking about it. Bring these qualities into your life and let them shine from your spirit. Start focusing on exhibiting the key essences of femininity that men find so alluring: confidence, generosity, sweetness, security, sensuousness, and attractiveness. You’ll almost immediately notice him giving more hugs, paying more notice to you, and craving your attention and support.


Why Men Pull Away

29


• Do give him permission to love you well by giving yourself what you need! If you want to attract the kind of love and happiness into your life that you’ve always dreamed of getting, then there’s one thing you need to do before that will happen: Love yourself most of all! Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they can treat you any old way they like. Now is not the time to turn into a doormat or let your partner walk all over you. Know what you deserve and set yourself up for success. Act like a dreamgirl: prioritize your own happiness and really love yourself! In practical terms, that means 2 things: First, prioritize self-care. Take really good care of your body and soul: pamper yourself with self-care wherever possible. Don’t work yourself into the ground. Create space in your life to relax and feel happy, healthy, and sane. Second, practice setting boundaries. Remember, the relationship you have right now is setting the scene for what’s to come, so if anything happens that upsets you or bothers you, talk about it immediately so that you can both deal with it and put the issue to rest. Stand up for yourself when you need to. And remember: by loving yourself, you give the people in your life permission to love you too. Your partner is unconsciously modeling his treatment of you on your treatment of yourself. So treat yourself well and don’t take any crap just because you’re hoping for a “committed relationship” someday!

5 Man-Friendly Don’ts: • Don’t force things or rush him If you’re feeling doubtful or insecure about where your relationship is headed, this

30

Why Men Pull Away



can cause you to panic and try to “lock it down” “while you still have a chance”. Don’t! This kind of panic-stricken catastrophizing can make an otherwise-smart woman make all kinds of crazy mistakes - mistakes that can literally end your relationship if you’re not careful. Here’s the deal: any decisions made out of fear or insecurity are doomed to fail. Your partner will sense that you’re trying to get a commitment out of something less than pure love and gratitude, and - like any sane red-blooded male - he’ll be turned off by the desperation and lack of respect implied. Don’t try to force your partner to commit or have “The Talk” as a way of guaranteeing you won’t be left behind. Talking about love won’t make him fall in love! Be secure in yourself and don’t put pressure on the two of you. Love and commitment happen in their own time, according to nobody’s timeline - have faith that it will happen when the time is right.

• Don’t insist on constant attention and reassurance Nobody loves neediness. And the worst thing about it is that it comes from uncertainty ... and causes more uncertainty! Some women (especially when they’re feeling anxious about the future) require constant infusions of attention and verbal, physical, and psychological reminders of their partner’s love for them. This can add to the emotional “pressure-cooker” atmosphere and make it seem like you’re a high-maintenance kinda woman ... not attractive and not what you need right now! Even though it’s scary, now is your chance to rise to the occasion and PROVE that you have faith in your partner, yourself, and your connection by refusing to freak out


Why Men Pull Away

31


and refusing to drive him away with your need. Trust me: at some point he’s going to notice your lack of freak-outedness and be impressed by it. And paradoxically, that’s when your decision not to require constant reassurance will result in just that.

• Don’t turn yourself into a doormat Fact: in romantic relationships, there is nothing more tantalizing to a man than a woman who knows who she is - and who takes pride in that fact. Confident women are in very short supply - and smart men tend to like confident women the most. Confident women are the dreamgirls. Think about it: putting his needs first, accepting his opinions without comment, taking his advice on your clothing, work issues, friendships and social life, and catering to his moods, insecurities, and fears ...? Maybe that works in a Good Housekeeping magazine from the 50s, but in real life, the only result you’ll get from turning yourself into a doormat is the sound of the front door hitting him in the butt on his way out. Women who have dignity, pride, and self-respect are attractive to men. When you know your own mind, you don’t take crap from anyone (including him) and suddenly it becomes clear that you’re a woman who stands on her own two feet. Guess what? Begging and groveling counterproductive.

for

commitment,

love,

and

connection

is

But when you know who you are and you show that you have self-respect, you show him that you don’t “need” him after all ... which is what gives him the space to respect you.

32

Why Men Pull Away



And that’s when he discovers how much he actually does care after all. What does this mean in practical terms? Don’t worry so much about censoring yourself. Say what you think. Don’t fixate on making a “mistake that could cost you the relationship”. Just relax, be yourself, and remember that people who are “trying too hard” are actually harder work to be around! Also: if he pulls away, don’t immediately rush after him. Avoid these common phrases: • You seem distant. • Are you mad at me? • What are you thinking? • Is everything okay? • Did I do something wrong?

If you sense him pulling back, you’ve got to LET him. Because space, distance, and that sense of “movement” is what creates powerful attraction and urgency in a man. If you don’t give him the space he’s trying to create, he never gets to feel that sense of urgency or motion … … and you’ve just made it harder for him to want you! If you’re constantly dancing attendance and preempting any trouble, you’ll freak him out and come across as high-maintenance - and you sure won’t have any fun, either! So: relax. Be who you are. If this is going to work, it’ll work because the two of you are a great match - not because you tried really, really hard to always say the right thing.


Why Men Pull Away

33


• Don’t play dumb games. When there’s a lot at stake, sometimes the temptation to play dirty or break the rules can be overwhelming. But here’s the thing: any strategy that requires you to compromise who you are or take a step down the moral ladder is NOT worth it. Manipulation, trying to “trick” your partner into giving you a ring, deliberately creating jealousy, or trying to keep them on the back foot is simply not worth it. These things always backfire sooner or later - and even if he never figures out how you played him, you’ll always know. And that knowledge will poison any happiness you might otherwise have had. For a relationship to work, two people have to be equals and to treat each other as equals. So before you act, ask yourself this: if your partner knew what you were planning, would you be ashamed of yourself?

• Don’t expect him to love you “no matter what”! Here’s a little-known fact: in romantic relationships, unconditional love simply doesn’t exist. When people love each other, it’s because they’re getting something out of that relationship that makes them feel good. So if you’re not making your partner feel good in at least some ways, what possible reason could he have to stay? It’s not cold-blooded. It’s simply the way things are. Women who stubbornly expect to be loved “just as they are”, who won’t even consider smoothing off some of their rough edges, don’t end up in happy relationships because relationships are about partnership, which means you care about making your partner happy just as much as you want to be happy yourself.

34

Why Men Pull Away



The truth is, you may need to change some of the less-attractive, less easy-to-getalong-with parts of yourself in order to make this relationship work. So take a look at yourself. Do you know - deep down - what those parts may be? And are you willing to change, if it means the difference between your partner choosing you or somebody else?


Why Men Pull Away

35

What Do You Want From This Relationship?

What Do You Want From This Relationship? It’s true that back in the 1800s, the sole purpose of marriage was two-fold: • To raise children, and • To create financial security (mostly for the wife, who was completely dependent on a man for property, physical safety, and the ability to put food on the table.)

But these days, things have changed. Women don’t need men any more in order to own property, earn money, enjoy security, or have fulfilling, satisfying lives. You don’t even need men to raise children any more - at least, not financially or for reasons of security. According to a 2002 study at the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, what men and women both want from a lasting relationship is both simpler and more difficult than it used to be … We don’t want children or financial security. What we want is a soulmate. So here’s the deal. Even though past relationships may have left you feeling angry, tired, exhausted, and emotionally burned-out, there’s no good reason why you should give up on your dream of creating and holding onto your perfect relationship. But you do have to know what you want from that perfect relationship. What does commitment really mean to you? Does it mean “kids and a house”?

36

Why Men Pull Away



Does it mean living together? Does it mean a ring on your finger? Does it just mean dating a guy who’s crazy about you, and who lets you know that every day? (And bear in mind that living together is not necessarily the same thing as commitment! In fact, studies show that people who live together before marriage are actually more likely to divorce.) So let’s figure out what your goals are for your relationship: where do you really want this to go? Life coaches know that goals are most attainable when they are SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. So, to drastically increase your chances of success, you need to map out what you want in detail. Here’s how.

Make your goals SMART... Specific: Know what you want. Do you want to get married? Would you be happy just living together? Do you want a simple acknowledgment that he loves you? Or do you need 3 kids and a mortgage? Figure out what you want, and be SPECIFIC. Measurable: How will you know when you’ve achieved what you want? You need to set milestones so that you know when you’re moving closer towards your dream. Without a measurable sense of progress, you may feel as though you’re simply


Why Men Pull Away

37


treading water, which can lead to feelings of frustration and panic. For example, for more established couples, moving in together might be a milestone; whereas for new couples, simply meeting his parents or his friends is a milestone. Attainable: When you figure out the goals that are the most important to you, your brain automatically begins to adjust and figure out ways to make those goals achievable. So don’t be put off by the fact that things might seem really dark and dire right now. What your brain can conceive, you can achieve - and the first step is acknowledging what you want! Realistic: To be realistic, your goals must represent an achievement which you are willing and able to work towards. Your goals can still be huge and exciting - in fact, they should be! The bigger an achievement, the more exciting the prospect is - which actually exerts more motivational pull, a little like how bigger planets exert more gravity. Timely: Ground your goals within a specific timeframe. You need a sense of urgency for your brain to start making those natural adjustments towards success: so when do you want your commitment milestones to happen by? (Don’t let yourself get too bent out of shape if everything doesn’t adhere strictly to your timeframe - life’s like that. This is about making stuff happen, not fixating on calendar time.) It’s one thing to want “a committed relationship.” It’s quite another to know what that commitment means - to be able to sit down and say, “I want a partner who’s my soulmate, I want us to be best friends, and I want us to start living together in the next 12 months.” Know what you want - if only because you’re that much more likely to get it!

38

Why Men Pull Away


Exercise: Create 5 SMART Goals You Want From Your Partner

Exercise: Create 5 SMART Goals You Want From Your Partner Take a minute now to figure out what you really want from your partner. Now is the time to be as specific as possible: remember, the more detailed and SMART your goals are, the more likely you are to achieve them within the timeframe you want. Remember to make them Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. So, don’t just say “I want him to value me more.” Say, “I want to meet his friends, I want to meet his parents, and I want us to have dinner together 3 nights a week with no cellphones, no TV, and no interruptions.” Here, now it’s your turn! What I’d love from my partner is: 1. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ ________________ 2. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ ________________ 3. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ ________________ 4. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ ________________ 5. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ ________________


Why Men Pull Away

39

Find Out What He Really Thinks: How To Talk To Him About Commitment, Closeness, And Your Future Together

Find Out What He Really Thinks: How To Talk To Him About Commitment, Closeness, And Your Future Together “Where is this going? Are you dating other women? Do we have a future together? Are we ever going to get married? When will I meet your parents? How soon do you want children?” STOP!! Before you try to get your partner to stop backing off, stop backing away, and commit to you, you need to understand one thing: Men think very differently about commitment than women do! The sad truth is, most men are “trained” from early childhood to believe that when a woman starts talking about “commitment”, what she’s really talking about is proposal and a ring. Think about it: they see television shows and movie scenes about weddings where a heaving scrum of women fight viciously to catch the bouquet. They hear their female friends and sisters obsessing about finding the perfect dress, napkins that match the bridesmaid dresses, and what flavor the wedding cake should be ... before they’ve even had a proposal. They see their baby nieces playing with “Wedding Barbie”, lovingly dressing her over and over again in the big white dress and tiara. They’ve been trained to believe that women are OBSESSED with marriage! And who can blame them?

40

Why Men Pull Away



So remember: your guy doesn’t necessarily know what you really mean when you want to talk about commitment. He literally doesn’t know what you mean by that word! You and I both know that “commitment” could mean any number of things, from “I just want to make sure you’re not sleeping with other women” to “I’m totally crazy about you” ... ... but he doesn’t know that!

“We’re a lot more sensitive than you think. Talk to us about your problems, concerns and fears when they arise, not when they’ve built up into something much bigger and then explode.” - Jake, 34 As far as he knows, until you communicate otherwise, when you make noises about the future or ask him where he thinks this might be going, you’re actually trying to lock him down into getting down on one knee right there and then! Of course, CONSCIOUSLY he knows that’s not true ... ... but emotionally, his alarm-bells are ringing and triggering that deep, instinctive urge to back off before anybody gets hurt. So you have to make it CLEAR to him what you mean when you talk about the future, commitment, or “where things are going”. (Hint: that’s why you spent a few minutes in the previous chapter figuring out what you actually want!) Because, when YOU know what you need in order to be happy, so does he - and he


Why Men Pull Away

41


doesn’t have to deal with a lurking, shadowy, unspoken fear that you might be trying to “lock him down” so you can dress him up in a powder-blue morning suit and get his gawky adolescent nephew to slip a garter around your thigh. That way, instead of hinting vaguely about the future (and freaking the poor lad right out), you can use your SMART goals and actually get what you want ... without ruffling any feathers. Remember, one of the most important things you can do in ANY relationship with a man is to make him feel like he could be the one to make you happy. Because he WANTS to make you happy. He wants to be “that guy”. But if you aren’t clear about what you really need, exactly, in order to be happy, then you run the definite risk of triggering his “marriage fear” and making him think you’re asking for a proposal ahead of schedule!

“Please, please, please … don’t try to rush us into anything. We don’t fall in love because you talk about it a lot or try to make us marry you. We’ll do it, sure … but when WE’RE ready. Use a light touch!” - Robin, 32, on marriage and girlfriends (Of course, you still have to make sure you’ve done your homework ... that is to say, you practice good communication habits throughout your entire relationship. This isn’t something you can just turn on and off like a switch when you want more from him. I’ll talk more about healthy communication, and how to use it to get closer to him, later in the book.) So what does all this mean in practical terms? Well, for example, instead of saying, “I want you to spend more time with me!” ...

42

Why Men Pull Away



... you could say something like, “You’re so great to hang out with - I’d really love for us to be able to spend 2 or 3 nights together a week on a regular basis.” Remember: he’s a guy. He wants to feel like he’s winning. And for a guy to feel like he’s winning, he needs to feel like he’s making you supremely happy. When he knows what you want (and when it’s clear that what you want isn’t six matching bridesmaids and a troupe of groomsmen all trussed up in matching tuxedos) and he can actually give you what you want, then everybody’s happy: you AND him. Give him a chance to win!


Why Men Pull Away

43

Are Your Hopes For The Relationship Unreasonable? How To Tell When You’re On The Right Track

Are Your Hopes For The Relationship Unreasonable? How To Tell When You’re On The Right Track Now that you’ve written down what you want for your relationship and you’ve considered that “commitment” means something completely different for most men, it’s time to figure out whether what you want is indeed reasonable ... or whether you’ve got your head stuck firmly in the clouds. Consider the following:

• Is his “lack of commitment” or “distance” really just unrealistic expectations on your part? Many women tell me that what they really want from their partner is more time together. They want him to turn off the TV, tell his friends to go home, or just come home from the gym and hang out with THEM. But before you go asking him to change his schedule around ... ... or feeling “left out” because he’s not by your side as often as you’d like ... Take a step back and remember that commitment naturally increases relative to the depth your relationship is at. What this means is that, if you’ve only just started dating this man, it would indeed be unreasonable to expect him to reserve every Saturday night for you alone (and this goes double if you haven’t talked about dating exclusively yet.) As I’ll explain later in the book, there are definite stages to commitment - and you can’t skip stages without the whole thing crumbling into dust. So if you feel that he’s being distant, cool, or reserved ... take a moment to consider

44

Why Men Pull Away



where your relationship is really at, and whether you could be mistaking your own unreasonable expectations as “lack of commitment” on his part. (Hint: if you realize that this is the case, don’t beat yourself up - it’s actually a GOOD thing!) Realizing that your partner isn’t being distant or cold - that it’s a simple mistake on your behalf that’s easily rectifiable with what you’re about to learn in this book - is great news, because now you can move smoothly forward into the relationship you truly want ... without needless worry about his feelings for you!

• Every relationship needs a balance of “me time” and “we time” No matter how long you’ve been together for, all relationships need a balance of “me time” and “we time” in order to be healthy, energized, and full of life. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Sarah and Chris just started dating last month. At first, they were crazy about each other: they had so much to talk about, they were constantly laughing and touching each other affectionately, and their sex-life was dynamite. They were both convinced they’d finally found “the perfect person” and couldn’t stop grinning about their good luck. But as the days went by, things seemed to subtly change. They had less to talk about. Their conversations began to die down and silence began to blossom between them. They didn’t find so much to laugh about, and Sarah even began to find herself feeling irritated by small habits of Chris’s that she’d previously found adorable. They found themselves feeling less passionate about each other, and Chris began to wish that Sarah would give him a bit of time by himself every now and then.


Why Men Pull Away

45


Things started to feel stale, flat, and old ... and neither of them had any idea why. The more I talked to this energetic young couple, the more I realized that the issue here wasn’t “lack of affection” or “lack of a future” or “boredom with each other” ... ... it was a simple lack of “me time” on both their parts! When you take time AWAY from a relationship, you actually infuse yourself (and your partner) with fresh energy and life. Taking “me time” creates new possibilities and powers fresh, exciting conversations - you both have time to feel revitalized, and bring that new energy back to the relationship. This isn’t about arbitrarily spending time away from your partner or pretending to be too busy to see him. Instead, it’s about spending just enough time away from each other that you feel energized and enthusiastic. You have new experiences, and new things to talk about. You get the enjoyment of looking forward to telling your partner about “what happened today”. You maybe even get to miss each other a little bit! The world is an exciting place, and forcing yourself to experience it only through the lens of relationship is a guaranteed way to create fatigue - and boredom in your relationship. You can avoid this by creating a balance of “me time” versus “we time” in your relationship - absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you’ll actually strengthen your bond by taking a little time away from it.

• You might need to change your ideas, not your partner! If you believe “commitment” is about spending every waking moment together, you might need to change your ideas about commitment (and not your partner!)

46

Why Men Pull Away



It’s natural to feel excited and want more for the two of you. But putting pressure on your partner to fulfill unreasonable expectations is a recipe for disaster, not committed love. Chances are that if your expectations ARE unreasonable, your partner’s been feeling the pressure already (even if you don’t think you’ve said anything obvious, men are pretty perceptive.) And codependency has a bad rap for a good reason: it’s unhealthy, it’s unsexy, and, well, it’s actually kinda boring. (You don’t really want to be one of those couples in the matching bowl-cuts and his’n’hers outfits, do you?) But even if you can see that you’ve made some mistakes so far, don’t worry. Just keep reading. The important thing is that you’re learning and growing, and just by reading this book, you’re renewing your commitment to yourself to create the healthiest, happiest relationship possible. As long as you can acknowledge your behavior (to yourself) and take a step back right now - ease off the pressure, the tears, the bad feelings (and don’t worry about trying to make it up to him just yet) - everything will likely be fine. You’re about to learn the tools for creating a rock-solid commitment where you NEVER have to feel insecure, alone, cold, or lonely again.


Why Men Pull Away

47

Navigating The 5 Stages Of Commitment: How To Get From “Hello” To “We’re Soulmates” In 5 Easy Steps

Navigating The 5 Stages Of Commitment: How To Get From “Hello” To “We’re Soulmates” In 5 Easy Steps “A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run. Sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.” - Helen Rowland, author of A Guide to Men (1922) Have you ever caught yourself wondering, “Things used to be so amazing, but now they’re so hard and weird ... I don’t understand why we can’t be happy the way we used to be … what’s changed?” If so, you’re not alone. Turns out that relationships have definite, documented “steps” that we all proceed through in a specific order ... and how you’re feeling about your partner at any given moment is related to whereabouts your relationship is on the scale. And trying to skip any steps is BAD news for the future – so no cheating! According to John Gray (author of the seminal Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus), there are 5 distinct stages to dating and commitment. Each stage must be experienced in sequence - if you skip a stage, the result can be disastrous. If you or your partner attempt to skip a stage, it actually makes it more difficult to experience happy commitment in the future. For example, say you’re happily dating a great man. You’ve been together for six months now and are officially “in love”. The two of you still live separately and spend a couple nights a week apart, but things are great.

48

Why Men Pull Away



Then all of a sudden he decides he wants to have children - right now. He insists that you are perfect for each other, and that he wants to be a dad by this time next year. If you don’t agree to have kids with him, he says, he’ll have to leave you. The amount of pressure exerted by this sudden demand would be, in most cases, catastrophic (Gray, 72). Why? Because there are natural stages for commitment. Each one builds a strong foundation for the next. And if you try to move to the higher stages of commitment without first taking some risks to prove that you are right for each other, that actually pushes your relationship back a step. It’s as bad as if you had asked him, on the first date, how many people he wanted to invite to the wedding and what color the flowers should be! Skipping steps doesn’t work. In effect, you’ll actually move BACKWARD. (That’s not to say that a couple who gets married early won’t stay together. But they will have some extra challenges!) To know how to act (and to find out whether his “coolness” or “aloofness” is actually a positive sign!), you need to know where you are on the relationship scale. So where are you in the 5 stages right now? Let’s take a look ... Stage 1: Attraction In the attraction stage, the two of you are excited about what the future may hold. You look forward to finding out whatever you can about your partner, and the urge is to reveal as much of yourself as possible. It’s all about fantasy, dreams, hopes for the future, possibilities, and the asking of “what if”. (Hint: relationship counsellors never see anyone in the Attraction stage!) Stage 2: Uncertainty


Why Men Pull Away

49


You know that this person is more special than others ... you think you’d like to have an exclusive relationship ... but all of a sudden, you’re not so sure any more.

“You could actually be dating your soul mate, but in stage two of dating you may not know it.” - Dr John Gray (Mars And Venus On A Date) In other words, uncertainty is just the next stage after “romance/attraction”. Just because you’re feeling uncertain doesn’t mean he’s not right for you. He could be your soulmate, so don’t quit just because you’re not sure - you’re meant to be unsure! Uncertainty is a positive and absolutely NECESSARY step towards commitment! You cannot move forward without it! The thing to remember in stage 3 is that even men who came on really strong in stage 1 can and will pull back noticeably in stage 2. Your job as a woman is to sit tight and resist the urge to pursue him, chase him, or try to figure out what he’s thinking. Don’t give him more of yourself right now ... he needs distance to discover how much he really likes you. By taking up the slack yourself, you deprive him of that sense of movement and momentum that he needs to keep moving forward with you. As long as you gracefully and peacefully give him the space to pull away, says Gray, he will come back - just like a rubber band that’s been stretched to its limit and then snaps back into place - as long as you don’t run after him. Gray suggests that this is the time for a woman to surround herself with friends, fill up her life, feel complete in herself, and contemplate on what she’s been getting so far from him (78). Now is the time to ask yourself the difficult questions: does he really have potential? Would you like to continue dating him? Does he make you happy?

50

Why Men Pull Away



The challenge for women here is to NOT mother the guy and try to figure out what’s “wrong”. Instead of trying to give him more of yourself, you need to take an emotional step back and focus on YOU: what do you want? Have you been having your needs met up til now? What do you like and dislike about him? This process of uncertainty, of distance and “pulling away”, is what gives you the time to figure out if this is the man whom you’d like to form an exclusive relationship with. It’s hard (especially when all you want is to run after him and yell “what’s wrong??”) ... but the uncertainty and distance of stage 2 is absolutely necessary for forming solid attachments down the track.

Without it, you’ll simply find yourself feeling that exact same uncertainty later on when it’s much more difficult and much less convenient to do so (like when you’re already engaged, married, or settled with kids!) Stage 3: Exclusivity In this stage, you make a commitment to focus purely on your partner and get to know him exclusively. This is where you build the foundation that allows you to connect on a soul level further down the track. Before stage 3, it’s all about testing each other, enjoying the anticipation of getting what you need, and figuring out who this person is. Now that’s over, and it’s time to start giving more of yourself and getting what you need in return. Again from Dr Gray, “most couples in this stage unknowingly sabotage their relationship ... as soon as they become exclusive, they relax and stop putting their best foot forward ... this is a big mistake!” (66.)


Why Men Pull Away

51


“Most couples in this stage unknowingly sabotage their relationship” - Dr John Gray This is when you need to start practicing asking for more - don’t assume that he can read your mind! Remember, men’s minds function differently from yours: once he’s become exclusive and feels that the relationship is more established, he tends to assume that, if you’re not asking for their support, you don’t need it.

It can be hard to ask for help. Most women find it difficult, as though they’re asking too much. But this is actually one of the best things you can do in stage 3: if you need something, ask. Men love to feel needed, and when he knows you want and need his opinion, support, or help, it will make him feel strong and masculine - and actually more certain about you! Make sure you don’t fall into vague, nagging tendencies though. You must give him the opportunity to win. For example: Say this: “Would you take me out to dinner next weekend?” Instead of: “You never ask me out any more.” Say this: “Let’s do something really fun this weekend! I’d love to go on a hike and swim under the waterfall.” Instead of: “Things used to be so much more exciting than this ... I’m sick of staying in all the time.” In this stage, couples need to keep putting forth their best effort - for you, that means

52

Why Men Pull Away



asking for help in a positive, specific way when you want it. That gives him the chance to give you what you want and need. As long as he feels like you’re noticing his efforts and are openly pleased by them, he’ll happily keep trying to make you happy.

It’s important for a man to keep putting forth his best effort - but as a woman, it’s just as important to let him see and feel how much you appreciate those efforts. When he can see that you notice how hard he’s trying, and feels like he’s pleasing you through his efforts, you will come across as extremely attractive. (It’s like magic!) So don’t get lazy - there are still at least 2 more stages to progress through before you can rest on your laurels! Stage 4: Intimacy Intimacy is about revealing who you really are. This is the stage where it starts to be okay to show your partner some of your “dark side” - the yang to your yin. You don’t have to be so guarded any more, and it starts to be okay to talk more honestly about how you feel. For example, if up til now you’ve been making sure to talk positively and with an upbeat spin on daily events and your life in general, stage 4 is where you can start to relax a little bit. You can admit that certain things are not perfect. You can admit that there are things you may not like about your life. You can be more vulnerable now. Once the barriers have come down in stage 4, the two of you start to share who you really are. This is where you can create true, lasting intimacy: intimacy that’s based on knowing each other at the “soul level”, not just the level of fun and positive chitchat.


Why Men Pull Away

53


Stage 4 can be scary because suddenly it’s not just about “good times” any more. This is where you start to see the “real person” and realize that they have bad moods, down days, and grumpy moments too. They might actually hate their job, their roommates, or their parents. It’s not all “sunshine and happiness”. Even though this can feel like work sometimes, the effort is worthwhile: you’re gaining true intimacy, where you know each other as people, not just dating partners. This is where a true bond is forged. Stage 5: Surety The 5th stage is where the two of you reach certainty that you are each the person you want to spend the rest of your lives with.

You’ve felt strong initial attraction and pleasure in stage 1; you’ve experienced the uncertainty and distance in stage 2 that, paradoxically, gives you the space and opportunity to move on to exclusivity in stage 3; you’ve opened up your hearts and souls in stage 4 and really gotten to know each other’s whole selves - good and bad. Now, you’re in the stage of true commitment: the stage of soul mates. You might get engaged; you might move in together; you might have a commitment ceremony; or in some other way, make a sign that the two of you are committed to each other and love one another. Make sure you strike while the iron is hot, though - if you allow things to stagnate, the urge to keep moving forward (by making an official commitment of some sort) can actually reverse itself. This isn’t about desperation for marriage or trying to “get a ring on your finger”. This is about strengthening a commitment by recognizing and acting on it. By the way - if you skipped a step earlier on (some couples are so freaked out by stage 2, uncertainty, that they go right to stage 5 and get engaged), now’s the time that you’ll likely start having the doubts that you tried so hard to avoid earlier on. So you MUST keep talking! Keep checking in on how he feels, and check in with yourself, too – don’t be shy about speaking up.

54

Why Men Pull Away


Part 2 How To Get Him To Focus On You By Giving Him What He Doesn’t Even Realize He Needs

Part 2 How To Get Him To Focus On You By Giving Him What He Doesn’t Even Realize He Needs Because you’re reading this book, I’m going to assume there’s some trouble in paradise: that you’re experiencing some level of dissatisfaction, coldness, distance, aloofness, and “pulling back” in your relationship. Maybe you’ve only just met him and already you can sense the barriers ... Or maybe everything USED to be perfect until you moved in together/got married/ had babies ... Or maybe it’s been so long since you felt the warmth of true, happy love that you can’t even remember what it’s like not to be cold and lonely. The main thing to remember right now is: that’s okay! No matter how bad things have been, you don’t have to freak out any more. Just keep reading - you’ll experience significant results. Part 2 deals with what makes a man fall in love: how to know what your man really needs to think of YOU as the love of his life, the mistakes you may be making without even realizing it, and what you can do when things are feeling “stale and distant” that will paint a big goofy Cheshire Cat smile all over his face. … and cause him to fantasize all day long about sweeping you off your feet and smothering you with affection, love, and tender kisses!


Why Men Pull Away

55

What Makes A Man Fall In Love?

What Makes A Man Fall In Love? Men need space to pursue. If you are giving too much of yourself ... ... mirroring his actions back to him, buying him little presents to get his attention, gardening in stilettos, cooking him 3 course dinners, showing up for bed every night in a different lacy Teddy, buying the tickets, organizing the dates, initiating sex every time, doing too much to reassure him you love him ... ... this actually has the REVERSE effect and can take the wind right out of his sails. Here’s the thing: men believe in soulmates just as much as women do.

“We need to feel love, loyalty, and chemistry above all else” - Robert, 49, on what creates commitment in a man’s heart So then why does it always feel like you’re pushing him towards commitment while he resists with every fiber of his being? Because guys are naturally cautious about where the relationship is going. Most men just want to know that it’s okay to fall in love - basically, they want your permission! (No wonder less than half of men are the first ones to say “I love you” in a relationship! (Zinczenko, 27)) Here’s the thing: underneath all the bravado, beer, and football stats, guys are soft little things. They’re like ducklings: afraid to go where Mama Duck hasn’t gone first to show him it’s okay. So for a guy to let himself fall deeply in love with you (and stay that way), he needs to know that you love him deeply too.

56

Why Men Pull Away



Now, that doesn’t just mean telling him you love him a million times a day. (That’d be too easy, right?) Instead, guys are smart: they listen with their hearts, not necessarily their ears. Or rather, they pay attention to what you say - but when you don’t think they’re paying attention. Then they add it all up with your body language, your expression when you’re talking to them, and how happy and satisfied you seem in general - and draw their own conclusions. In other words, he needs to be shown AND TOLD that he’s wanted, needed, and that he’s making you very, very happy.

“Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.” - Dr John Gray And this isn’t just in the early days, either. In fact, men in committed relationships are often more vulnerable than the guy who’s just started dating his dream girl: they’ve already committed themselves and he can’t pretend he doesn’t feel the love - or the pain. Add to that the fact that you are more likely to act insanely happy, totally positive, and overjoyed just to be in the same room with him in the early days of a relationship (counselors believe this first stage, “Attraction”, lasts anywhere from 2 months to 2 years) than you are once you’ve reached commitment ... ... and you can see the issue: he feels it more, while you feel it LESS. To make a man fall in love, all you need to do is tell him and show him - repeatedly, through your actions, expressions, body language, and words (and that includes how you speak about him to other people, whether or not he’s present) - that he is pleasing you.


Why Men Pull Away

57


So what does that mean? You’ll need to use some common sense. For new couples, proceed with caution: if you feel there’s something really special between you, you can say it. But most men are on red-alert lookout for that official Announcement Of Love (generally somewhere around the three to six week mark) ... and they don’t always like it. It’s like foreplay. Sex is fun when you take your time and sloooooowly lead up to the big event, right? But when he skips the foreplay and gets right down to the task at hand, it’s kind of an anticlimax. It’s just the same for him when it comes to emotions and commitment. You can let

him know how you feel. And you should DEFINITELY show him that he’s pleasing you. But don’t rush it! Remember: everything’s happening perfectly, in its own perfect time. You can’t force this. (And you’ll gain nothing by rushing.) (This will shine through the most with your facial expressions and tone of voice when you talk to him. Guys can tell who likes spending time with them and who doesn’t.)

“Have I ever lost attraction for a woman? Yes, due to lack of appreciation and respect on her part. If she doesn’t make an effort to appreciate me, that’s a powerful turn-off.” - Edward, 38 ... But particularly in the early days, try your hardest not to make assumptions about what he’s feeling. Remember, his dreams are not your dreams, and assuming that you know what he’s thinking or feeling - that you know him almost better than he knows himself - is actually kind of insulting. And it makes you look bad. So: don’t talk about “us”. Don’t talk about “the relationship”. Instead, just remember: everyone loves a story about themselves, so talk about HIM!

58

Why Men Pull Away



For example ... Instead of saying, “This relationship is really important to me. I think we make a great team” ... say this instead: “You are really important to me. I really like spending time with you.” And what about more committed couples - couples who have been together for a few months or a few years (or a few decades)? What makes a man in a more long-term relationship fall back in love (or even more deeply in the love he’s already feeling)? Believe it or not, the exact same rules apply. Except, you get even more leeway: you can tell him all you want about how amazing he is and how much you love him. In fact, you should. And make it enthusiastic: instead of “love you”, say, “You are sooooo special to me and I love you sooooo much!” All you have to remember is that, for a man to be happy, feel masculine, and generally love his life and you most of all ... ... he needs to know that he’s “winning”. He NEEDS to know that you’re happy to be with him, that you think he’s a catch, that you like who he is and that he makes you feel amazing. That’s just how guys are. So with the caveat that you talk about him (not “the relationship”), and that you let yourself fall in love (as long as you don’t try to tell him how he’s feeling about you), the world’s your oyster. So go demonstrate how well he’s doing with hugs, smiles, and pats on the butt in passing.


Why Men Pull Away

59

“But My Guy Already Knows How Much I Love Him, And He’s Still Pulling Away!”

“But My Guy Already Knows How Much I Love Him, And He’s Still Pulling Away!” “When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can come closer” - Dr John Gray There’s such a thing as a male intimacy cycle. Don’t worry, this isn’t some creepy biological science thing. It’s simply a term for the cyclical nature of men’s loving emotions. While women usually pull back only because someone’s hurt you or you don’t like that person … ... men are (duh) different: they pull away for entirely different reasons. And what I’m saying is that him pulling away may actually be a GOOD sign, as painful and confusing at it feels right now! Just because he’s creating space between you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you ... ... in fact, it could be incontrovertible proof that he really, really loves you. Here’s what I mean. While guys certainly do pull away for the same reasons we do - lack of trust, dislike of a person - they also pull away when things are going GREAT ... ... simply because that’s their nature. They just need to test the water. Even when they’re at their most deep, perfect feelings of love, all of a sudden - out of nowhere - comes the need to pull away.

60

Why Men Pull Away



And as long as you can LET HIM pull away ... as long as you give him his space gracefully and without panicking, waiting outside the “cave” for him to come out, or berating him for doing it ... he will come back even closer than he was before. Scary, but true.

Use The Paleolithic Principle! Remember, biologically speaking, men are the hunters and protectors. They spent thousands upon thousands of years trekking the forests and plains, proving their worth, fighting off marauders and providing food for the whole tribe to eat. Those eons of independence and autonomy have shaped some pretty significant changes to the landscape of the male brain - for example, women have a far greater capacity for language and speech than men do, because women (as the childrearers) needed that speech and language ability, whereas men (stalking prey and sneaking up on warring tribesmen) had more of a need for motor skills, coordination, and mapping ability. Fast-forward out of the caves to modern-day life, and what have you got? Women who can talk on the phone, watch a sitcom about relationships, and spoon-feed a baby simultaneously ... and men who need silence, space, and autonomy every now and then. In other words, the male brain is organized for independence and autonomy. Every so often, he needs to pull away and create some space, just like you need to see your friends and “talk the problem through” when you’re feeling upset about something. If you’ve ever broken up with a partner, chased him for months, only to give up and - BINGO - have him “spring back” to you within weeks, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Men need to pull away in order to feel exactly how much they truly do love you.


Why Men Pull Away

61


As a matter of fact, this is the very idea that pushed John Gray’s Mars and Venus seminars to world-wide acclaim. Dr Gray demonstrates, with a rubber band, exactly what happens in a man’s mind. Picture a big rubber band, stretching further and further and further. Finally, it reaches its furthest point of stretch, and - PING! - it immediately snaps back into place with a huge amount of bounce and energy. According to Gray, the same thing happens to a man’s heart, provided you don’t hinder the process by running after him or trying to prevent him from creating distance. So if the man in your life is suddenly pulling back emotionally, creating distance, and becoming strangely aloof and cold ...

... don’t panic and don’t try to force him to come closer.

He needs to pull away in order to discover the true urgency of his feelings for you. If you can just trust the process and focus on yourself for awhile (instead of him or the relationship), you will allow him to complete the cycle of intimacy and progress further through the stages of commitment. In practical terms, this might mean noticing what’s happening with a small smile of feminine understanding. You see what he’s doing and you don’t let it bother you.

ü You smile to yourself and get busy in your own life instead of worrying and pestering him for more closeness. ü You let him experience the full challenges of life without that closeness to you, knowing that this is just part of how his heart and mind are hardwired for love. ü You spend more time with your friends, you work out, you take care of your pets, you read a great novel.

62

Why Men Pull Away



ü You take care of your body and your spirit. ü You eat well, you look good, and you practise not running after him and trusting that it will be okay.

So Should You Let Him Right Back In? It’s natural to need a period of time to reacquaint after each “rubber-band episode”. You don’t need to let him waltz in and out of your life at will (that would make you a doormat, not a dream girl.) But at the same time, it’s not helpful to berate him about his needs, talk at length about how scared and lonely you were, and generally make him feel like your world revolves around his daily presence at the breakfast table. Remember, strength and dignity are sexy. Loving him and being pleased by him are one slice of the pie; but loving yourself (and letting him be who he is) is another BIG slice, too. So you don’t need to welcome him with lingerie and heels. Just listen to your heart and allow the transition to take place without fear or recrimination. Remember, it’s all part of the process - this is part of a healthy relationship, not just an annoying adjunct to it.


Why Men Pull Away

63

5 Ways To Talk To Him About Your Relationship To Keep Things Moving Forward

5 Ways To Talk To Him About Your Relationship To Keep Things Moving Forward “Commitment” is kind of a dirty word, right? In fact, more couples break up over the “c-word” than they do over almost any other issue! But the really sad part is that most of these breakups stem from simple misunderstandings. Having “The Talk” is scary, right? You try to pick the right moment, pour him a glass of wine, and set out to open up your heart and share your deepest, most vulnerable feelings ... ... and it always ends up with him freaking out, pulling away, or getting cold and resentful. Picture this: You’ve been dating for about six months, and you start getting that feeling where you need to do something to solidify the relationship somehow. You’ve been together for awhile, and you want to know more about how he feels about you and where the two of you might end up together. You don’t want to get married or anything just yet, but you do want something more from him - more of a “commitment”. So you decide to talk to him about it. “Baby,” you say, “We’ve been dating for six months now, and I’m starting to feel like the clock is ticking ... I feel like I need more of a commitment from you.” Remember, men are culturally pre-programmed to equate “commitment” with “marriage” ... so what happens when you say this to him?

64

Why Men Pull Away



He thinks you’re asking him for a diamond ring and a wedding ceremony! And of course, since you’ve only been dating for six months, he’s nowhere near ready to get married yet (which is fine, because you’re not ready either - only he doesn’t know that!) ... ... so he thinks, “Oh man ... she’s great, and I love her and all, but I don’t want to get MARRIED or anything yet” ... So he says, “Commitment? You want me to make a commitment? Well, I just can’t do that right now, sorry.” Then he pulls away and goes out to shoot hoops for six hours with his buddies ... and you burst into tears, thinking he doesn’t love you and he can’t possibly be the right man for you after all. You don’t hear from him for the rest of the week and you freak out, thinking he’s cold and aloof and not at all the kind of man you thought he was ... all the while, he’s miserable and missing YOU and wondering what went wrong. Does this sound at all familiar?? Fortunately, there is a better way! First of all, please remember what we talked about in a previous chapter: a relationship has different stages, and you’ll proceed through these stages as you get to know each other better. But even more importantly, there are some things you can do to make sure that, when you do open up about what you want and need (just as you should, since true love is all about true communication) the conversation goes the way you hoped it would.


Why Men Pull Away

65


Commitment Conversation Rule #1: Follow The Relationship Timeline! A good conversation about commitment and love needs a strong foundation of common sense and the ability to evaluate, at least partially accurately, where your relationship stands, so that your needs and wants are based in reality. You don’t want to make crazy “demands” or scare the man - and you definitely don’t want to waste your time fooling yourself, either! New York Times bestselling author Barbara de Angelis believes there are 4 stages to any commitment - that there’s an actual timeline (143 - 150). Level 1 Commitment: Sexual and Emotional Monogamy In this first stage (which takes place in about the first 3 months of dating), you both decide that you like each other enough to become emotionally and sexually monogamous - that is, you both decide to focus your attention solely on each other, so that you can get to know one another and see if this is “going somewhere”. This stage will not work if either of you are dating, fooling around with, or sleeping with other people; all relationships need commitment to move forward, and the commitment you need at this stage is to explore one another romantically - and nobody else. Level 2 Commitment: Working Toward True Partnership In the second stage (approximately three to six months into a relationship), your connection has deepened. Things are getting more “serious” and it’s likely that you both consider yourselves a real couple: in fact, you’re probably “in love”. This stage is crucial, because this is where an emotional commitment starts to take place and you both become more emotionally involved with one another. You need to thoroughly explore one another and test the waters to see if this is someone you could become even more committed to.

66

Why Men Pull Away



You’ll know you’re in a Level 2 commitment because you both agree that this relationship has the potential to become serious in the future; that your connection is special and one-of-a-kind; and that you need to commit to honest communication if you’re ever going to achieve the potential of your relationship. de Angelis warns that many women in this stage make the mistake of assuming that your partner feels the same way you do (145). Remember: his dreams are not your dreams! Just because he says he loves you doesn’t necessarily mean that he sees a future together, so don’t assume that you’re headed for more commitment, living together, or marriage if you never actually talked to him about it. Level 3 Commitment: Committing To A Future Together (Starting around six months, and lasting indefinitely into the future.) Once you’ve created an honest partnership based on open communication and discussions of your future together, and you’ve both agreed that your relationship has a future and a lot of potential, you’re ready to start building the depth and intimacy of a level 3 commitment: spending your future together. (Note: there’s a difference between “a future together” and “a life together” - don’t assume that commitment means forever! (147)) When the two of you have talked about your love for each other and you are both sure that you want to spend your future together (not necessarily your whole life, but at least the indefinite future), you’re ready for a level 3 commitment. Generally this means that the two of you are either engaged to be married; planning to get engaged as soon as possible; moving in together; or planning to move in together at a definite date in the near future. Level 4 Commitment: The Ultimate Commitment Of A Life Together Level 4 commitment is the deepest level of commitment possible. You’ll find yourself at a level 4 commitment when you’ve had a level 3 commitment for awhile (engaged,


Why Men Pull Away

67


living together, etc) and you’ve both managed to work through whatever obstacles came your way during that 3rd level of commitment. You are at a level 4 when you and your partner both agree that you want to spend your lives together, and that you are both committed to working through whatever problems may arise in the course of that life together. ** Take a look at this timeline. Obviously it’s not set in stone; all relationships are different and will work on different timelines. Some of us don’t believe in marriage, some of us need years of living together before we’re ready to even start thinking about moving forward again, and so on.

But the STAGES remain the same - you can’t leap from stage 1 straight to stage 4. You can’t tell a man you’re in love with him (or expect him to fall in love with you) before you’ve even committed to exclusivity … and you can’t expect a high level of commitment from someone before you’ve even learned how to talk openly about what you want and what you need. And that brings me to my next tip ...

Commitment Conversation Rule #2: Avoid Ultimatums! When you get right down to it, true closeness with a man is all about being honest. If you can’t be honest about how you feel and what you want, then you can’t expect commitment and closeness from him - and you sure can’t expect a dream relationship. Recently I spoke with a woman named Sarah who asked me how she could get her boyfriend to keep moving forward through the levels of commitment. “We’ve been living together for about 18 months now, and my family are giving me a really hard time,” she said. “Even my friends think he’s never going to ask me to marry

68

Why Men Pull Away



him, because he’s getting all the benefits of marriage without any of the formality. I feel like we live together, but he’s not really there - should I give him an ultimatum? I love him, but I need to know where this is going, and I don’t want to waste my time.” Here’s the deal: men want a soulmate just as much as you do. But you’ll never know what your partner is really thinking or feeling unless you ask him. Ultimatums are NEVER a good idea, because they come from fear and doubt - and they reek of pressure, guilt, and obligation (wow, how romantic.) Face it: guys don’t like being told what to wear or what to eat by their moms when they were little boys; and they don’t like being mothered now that they’re all grown up, either. If you want him to love you and need you, telling him how he ought to feel and what he ought to do about it is the worst possible move to make. If you’ve made a commitment to be open with your feelings, and you have been honest about your own feelings for him, then chances are, you’re at the stage together where you can ask him point-blank what he feels for you. Pay attention to the stages of relationship and commitment that we’ve already been through; figure out if your wants are reasonable using the exercise early on in this book; and if everything seems and feels right, then just ask him what he feels. Remember, you can’t extort love out of him by threatening to leave if he doesn’t pony up the goods. All you have to do is be honest with him first (and for a good amount of time, too). If he can’t tell you, or he seems unsure, well, there’s your answer.


Why Men Pull Away

69


Commitment Conversation Rule #3: Dreamgirls Always Give Him The Benefit Of The Doubt Don’t allow yourself the luxury of getting upset that YOU are the one bringing up commitment and closeness and the future of your relationship. Real couples - the ones that last - make a practice of giving each other the benefit of the doubt, and this is your chance to prove you care. Do you honestly believe that he’s stringing you along, using you for sex, or making you believe there’s a future when there’s not? Unless the answer is a resounding “yes”, then give him the benefit of the doubt. That means, don’t get mad, don’t get resentful, and don’t try to make him feel guilty. He may have thought everything was fine; he may honestly have believed you were happy and content; he may have believed you were correctly interpreting the subtle signals of love and commitment he’s been giving you this whole time.

Commitment Conversation Rule #4: Listen With Your Heart To What He’s Really Saying Some people believe that commitment is scary for men, and that’s why they don’t talk about it. Wrong! Men aren’t scared of commitment. They just aren’t big talkers like you are. As a general rule, a man will show you how he feels, not “tell you”. If he loves you, you’ll be able to feel it. You won’t need to discuss it all the time; you’ll be able to tell by the way he talks to you, the way he takes care of you, the things he does for you, and how happy he is when he’s around you. If you need to hear the words as well (and that’s okay - most women do), then it’s fine

70

Why Men Pull Away



to talk about your feelings - but that doesn’t mean you can try to “extort” his feelings by begging, guilt-tripping, threatening, crying, or getting upset. You can’t get him to say the words just by asking - it must come from him if it’s going to mean anything. So instead of asking him to tell you what you want to hear, instead, focus on creating a situation where it becomes EASY for him to open up. This is your moment to really focus on him: make him feel like a prize, like he’s totally cherished and valued, like all his exes were insane to let him get away (and you know it.) If he’s so inclined - i.e. if he’s feeling what you’re feeling - then you can rest assured that he will reciprocate. It may not happen immediately. It may take a day, a week, or longer. But you must be patient. Don’t try to dig it out of him. Listen: if the relationship is great, you’re having fun together, you care about each other (and you can FEEL that caring in your heart, not just hear it with your ears), then those are the important things. Those are the foundation BEHIND the words and that’s the important part! So long as you’re patient, good company, caring, and fun to be around - and you’re considerate of the fact that he has his own timeline and he doesn’t need you to rush him into anything - you’ll be able to tell how he feels simply by opening your heart. (And usually, that exact moment is when he senses your openness and decides to open his mouth and tell you how he feels anyway!)

Commitment Conversation Rule #5: Remember That He Is Not Who You Think He Is In most relationships, there’s a real tendency to become complacent. You might start to feel that you know him almost better than he knows himself - that


Why Men Pull Away

71


you know how he should be feeling by now, that you know what his next move ought to be, that you’re best equipped to figure out his life. The truth is that this kind of thinking creates complacency, poor communication, and resentment on both sides. And no matter how well you believe you know him, there is so much more to your partner than you will ever realize. He’s like the dark side of the moon: there is a whole side of him that he will never, ever show you. So instead of being frustrated by what you can’t understand or hurt because he’s acting according to his timeline, not yours - just view him as what he is: a mystery. Try to find out more about him. Be interested in who he is, what his views are, how he’s changing. Find out what he’d like to do with the future, who he wants to be. Stay interested. Don’t let the spark die. And remember - a little bit of humbleness - a little bit of willingness to marvel at the mystery, instead of simply getting frustrated by its very mysteriousness - goes a long way. Because men aren’t afraid of falling in love; they’re afraid of being told when to fall in love and how they should be doing it.

72

Why Men Pull Away


Part 3 Things That Drive Men Away

Part 3 Things That Drive Men Away Okay. We’ve covered commitment. We’ve gone through what makes a man fall in love. You even know how to talk to him about commitment so that he actually wants to get closer to you. Now we need to go over to the dark side ... the secret stuff that you do that secretly drives him nuts. If you’ve ever felt like he’s pulling away, but you couldn’t for the life of you figure out WHY, here it is ... just make sure you’re ready to hear this stuff, because once you know it, you won’t forget it.


Why Men Pull Away

73

Nagging: Henpecking That Man Right Out Of Your Life

Nagging: Henpecking That Man Right Out Of Your Life Nag: verb to annoy, badger, bend someone’s ear, worry, hassle, berate, hen-peck, plague, pester; noun a person, especially a woman, who nags

Nagging: most women do it ... and most women don’t believe they’re doing it. You think you’re helping. You think you’re showing that you care. Gently reminding. Or possibly insisting, because what you want is so reasonable that he should really just do it anyway, right? Men don’t see it that way.

“Nagging wears away at his soul” Nagging “wears away at his soul and can gradually build up a simmering resentment,” say relationship experts Barbara and Allan Pease (15). In fact, men everywhere list nagging at the top of female habits they hate. In the US, there are more than 2,000 cases a year of men murdering their wives because nagging “drove them to it”. In Hong Kong, a judge gave a man a reduced jail sentence for hitting his wife on the head with a hammer on the grounds that it was “justifiable due to nagging”. And until the 19th century, a woman who nagged was punishable by the “Ducking Stool” - she would be strapped into a chair and dunked underwater in the nearest river or lake for a length of time predetermined by whatever passed for a jury back then.

74

Why Men Pull Away



“Have I ever walked out on a relationship? Yes, because she nagged a lot. Did I cheat? Yes, I was fed up with her nagging.” - Evan, 42, when asked why he walked out on his last serious relationship The bottom line: you might think you’re helping (or you might just not know what else to do.) You might be trying to improve your lives by getting him to stop throwing wet towels on the bed, take his medication, stop eating so much fatty food, take the garbage out, etc. But he doesn’t see it that way. He ignores you (because he doesn’t like being told what to do.) And you get more irritated. And still you see no alternative ... ... and so the relationship suffers. What else can you do? First: realize that nagging WILL NEVER work, because his brain isn’t organized the same way yours is. Men’s brains are arranged for mono-tracking: they can do one thing at a time and do it well. We don’t like to try to multitask and we don’t have large speech and language centers like you do. Women, on the other hand, have huge speech and language centers. You use more vocal tones than men are even physically capable of recognizing in any given conversation and you can do up to five complex tasks at the same time without breaking a sweat. This only becomes an issue when you try to make them think more like you do ... for example, when you nagging. Men tend to shut off their brains when they hear multiple requests at one time (i.e., nagging.) This causes the nagger to increase in volume, hurt, and negative feelings


Why Men Pull Away

75


... which protracts the nagging ... which causes him to withdraw further ... and sometimes even to resort to seeking physical space (or physical violence.) All because his brain works differently, so he literally can’t process what you’re asking him to do! In other words: when you nag, he LITERALLY can’t understand you! So instead of nagging … why not “train him” to listen? Filter your requests down to one or two simple things (if you have a laundry list of chores, just pick one - or, at maximum, two. Anything more and you’ll frustrate his mono-tracking brain.) Next, instead of making vague, guilt-laden demands and accusations ... “... you never listen to me, you still haven’t taken out the damn trash, last night’s plates are still in the sink, your clothes are all over the bathroom floor” ... ... change the way you talk and phrase your requests in a way that empowers him and gives him an opportunity to win. “I need you to do something for me. Can you please get your clothes off the bathroom floor so I can have a nice hot shower and not trip over afterwards?” Implication: I expect you to do this; if you do this for me I will appreciate it and think well of you; by doing this you will improve my life. Remember, he wants to be your god. He wants to know that he pleases you. (Obviously this isn’t possible all the time, and that’s why you’re relearning how to ask for what you want.) Retraining yourself to ask for what you want in a direct style of communication ... “Honey, I need you to take the trash out so I can cook dinner please” and a soft kiss on the cheek ...

76

Why Men Pull Away



... enables him to escape the vague, guilty, irritating indirectness of thousands of minor, whiney “requests” ... “It’s not like I ask you for much, so why can’t you just get off your butt and do this one little thing ... the dog’s still running wild, I can’t believe you’re just sitting there letting it happen ... I’m trying to give us a beautiful home here and all you can do is just watch sports and not even listen to me ...” ... and use his powerful, mono-tracking brain to realize what you need, give you what you want, and then enjoy the happy consequences. Because the thing is, men don’t want to be nagged. Or fixed or lectured or henpecked.

Instead, they respond to “one-word epiphanies”: the short, powerful requests that highlight the problem, and then give them the space to get down to fixing it. No instructions. No watching over his shoulder. No requests for status reports. Just a quick request, and then ... silence. Secondly: make sure you appreciate him for WHATEVER he does that’s “right”.

Dreamgirls will appreciate him for whatever he does that’s “right”. Positive reinforcement from anyone is what keeps us going and trying to improve. That’s true of ALL humans.

And the odd comment from you that makes him feel good - noticing out loud that his biceps look bigger, that the house looks great, that the dinner is awesome - is what gives him the desire to keep going, keep improving, keep getting your approval. And a warm look, a one-sided smile, a wink or a tender kiss on the cheek will keep him going long into the night hauling trash and making your life great - just as long as he knows that: a) you’ve noticed how hard he’s working for you, and


Why Men Pull Away

77


b) you appreciate his efforts. He wants you to be happy, because a man falls in love (and stays in love) based on how he feels in your presence. And knowing that he’s making you happy (“winning”) is what gives him the energy to KEEP making you happy.

78

Why Men Pull Away


Why Is He So Grumpy? Why Men Go Into “The Cave” ... And How To Bring Him Back Out

Why Is He So Grumpy? Why Men Go Into “The Cave” ... And How To Bring Him Back Out When a guy comes home at the end of the work-day, he’s tired, stressed, and he needs time to chill. Decompress. Unwind. As you know from your own working life, those eight to twelve hours he spends in the office each day are a non-stop carousel of stress, paperwork, demands, scary bosses, huge projects, complex colleague negotiations, backstabbing, and e-mail. And when he gets home, yes he wants and needs to handle that stress ... ... it’s just that men handle it differently from women. You want to talk about it; he needs to not talk about it. Listen: sometimes, guys just don’t want to talk about their problems. It’s not how our minds work. There are all sorts of biological precedents for that (including the fact that our brains are literally not built for huge gabbing sessions and verbal analytics), but what it really boils down to is that sometimes, he’d just rather do something else to get his mind off his problems. Because talking about it just makes him think about it more and that’s the last thing he wants. Think of it this way: you like to unwind by talking about your problems. The female mind is a complex marvel of communications engineering, and women actually tend to think their best when they’re “free-talking”: talking through an issue with a sympathetic listener enables you to figure out what you really think about what’s going on. But guys don’t work like that. A recent Men’s Health survey of 2,500 men revealed that less than ten percent of all men want to talk as soon as they come home


Why Men Pull Away

79


from work - which means ninety percent would rather do just about anything else (Zinczenko, 117). You might feel as though he’s grumpy, silent, and withdrawn whenever he’s stressed about something - and he seems stressed so often, right? Which means there’s a lot of times where you try to start a sprightly conversation, only to be rewarded with monosyllabic grunts and constant channel-changing. But think about it this way: giving him that time to chill is what re-energizes him enough to come out of the man-cave and WANT to talk to you again. And he does want to talk to you. He wants your perspective on his day. He wants to let you know what happened in his world in the 12 hours since he last saw you. But before he can do that, he needs you to give him that time to unwind, decompress, and stop thinking about his problems. Because when you stress out about the way he’s handling his stress, you actually push him further back into the cave.

5 Ways To Bring Him Out Of The Man-Cave Sooner First: give him space freely and ungrudgingly. He doesn’t want to talk about it right now; he needs to think about something else so he can escape the stress for awhile. Second: chill-out time means quality, no-demands time with the paper, the TV, and a bottle of cold beer. It’s not taking out the garbage and it’s not commuting home in busy traffic. When he gets home, before “home life” can start and before he’s ready to go out to dinner, go over your day, or walk the dog, he needs to just blob. Twenty to thirty minutes should do it. Third: when you do start a conversation, ask specific questions about his life, not bland conversation-starters. A general “how was your day?” will get you a oneword response; but if you remember specifics about his day - what he said about his boss last weekend, that thing his friend’s going through right now - and ask him more

80

Why Men Pull Away



about that, you’ll get the words flowing. Fourth: his de-stressing is different from your de-stressing. You might honestly think you’re trying to help when you pepper him with questions - you know he’s stressed and you don’t want him to try and hold it all inside, right? But that’s not how his mind works. Men take time off from their problems by looking at somebody else’s problems instead - that’s why he wants to slouch on the couch and change channels three times a second. So if you want to help, help him his way: bring him a stiff drink, rub his shoulders, and don’t try to make him talk about it. Fifth: when he’s in his cave, don’t wait outside for him to come out. A tense, stressed, grumpy man will spontaneously retreat into his “cave”: he’ll go quiet, distant, aloof, and try to occupy himself with other stuff. He might shoot hoops in the drive, play with the kids, or he might retreat into the office and check email. Whatever. He’s in the cave - he’s taking time off from his crazy day and trying to unwind, so that he can come back to you sooner. Know what will push him deeper into the cave, even when he’s actively trying to come out of it? Knowing that you’re waiting outside it, ready to pounce on him. Instead of hanging around twiddling your thumbs, learn how to occupy yourself ungrudgingly so that he can come out freely without worry. (This benefits you directly, because he’ll come out of the cave sooner when he knows you’re not upset that he’s in there.) Watch a movie, pick up a novel, play with the kids, call a friend, take a bubble bath, whatever - just do something to let him know that you’re not freaking out because he needs time to chill.


Why Men Pull Away

81

Argue Like A Dreamgirl Instead Of Fighting Like A Shrew

Argue Like A Dreamgirl Instead Of Fighting Like A Shrew Fighting doesn’t have to suck. When you know how to argue instead of fight, it actually feels GOOD. You can clear away all the unsaid words, clear the air, and really communicate properly. But there’s a knack to it ... and when you don’t know the knack, fighting is painful. When you’re upset, disappointed, angry, sad, or frustrated, it gets hard to communicate

affectionately. And in the heat of the moment, you can forget how to talk lovingly or take care of your partner. Some counsellors suggest that, instead of fighting or arguing, you communicate your feelings via letters or emails. This works for some, but mostly it’s just time-consuming and doesn’t address the real issue - if you can never talk openly to your partner, and you have to rush off to scribble down a letter every time you want to clear the air, where does that leave the two of you? Instead, why not avoid the doubt and confusion and simply learn how to argue properly? I promise you, once you learn how to argue like a dream girl, your communication problems will disappear virtually overnight. When you know how to communicate openly and fearlessly, even about scary stuff that you’re not sure how your partner will respond to, the two of you become much closer, because nothing has to be a secret any more. You can show him who you really are, and so can he. Here’s how to argue like a dream girl so you never have to be afraid of fights again: Dreamgirl Tip #1: Prove It’s Safe To Disagree With You. A conversation turns into a fight because one or both of you becomes entrenched in your opinions, and feels the need to “fight to the death” to defend them.

82

Why Men Pull Away



This can happen for any number of reasons. Usually, that person feels attacked on a personal level. Or they might feel that something very important to them will be taken away if they change their mind or accept a different viewpoint. For example, Steve and Natalie were discussing Steve’s mental health. Steve had been under a lot of pressure at work lately, and he was beginning to have trouble sleeping as a result. He was also becoming more argumentative, withdrawn, and was drinking a lot more alcohol than normal. Natalie was worried that Steve was becoming clinically depressed because of all the stress, and she wanted Steve to make an appointment to see the family doctor about possible diagnosis and medication.

But Steve didn’t want to. Deep down, he wasn’t afraid of the doctor or the medication itself; he was afraid that, by accepting even the possibility that he might be depressed, he would be forfeiting his right to be respected in the home and to have his opinions believed and listened to. If he was depressed (he believed), his wife would stop listening to him. She would automatically become “right” in all their arguments, because how can someone with a mental condition possibly win an argument? Steve believed that, if he listened to his wife and accepted her opinion, he would give up the right to be right. Because Steve equated “being depressed” with “never being right”, he argued “to the death” about why he wasn’t depressed, didn’t need to go to the doctor, and didn’t want to hear another word about it. Within a couple of minutes the conversation became very heated and Steve and Natalie both started yelling. Natalie went off in a huff and slammed the door, and Steve lay back on the couch and cracked another beer while he stewed to himself. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can talk about some very tricky stuff with your partner simply by making it okay for them to disagree with you ... without triggering their defensive urges. When your partner raises an opinion that’s radically different from yours - or even


Why Men Pull Away

83


when they disagree with you point-blank (“that’s a pile of rubbish”) - you’ve got two choices: 1. You can scoff at their opinion and hide behind sarcasm and “humor”. 2. You can prove it’s safe to disagree with you. Here’s how: you learn how to make them feel heard. Everyone wants to feel heard. It’s the basis of successful marketing, sales techniques, and marriages all over the world. If you can make somebody feel heard, that’s half the battle won already - and once they know you’re not attacking them or belittling their opinion, they magically become much more interested in your opinion too. You can make someone feel heard by following these easy steps: Sit back and close your mouth while they’re talking. Look at them when they’re talking, not over their shoulder or around for something more interesting. Don’t fidget or play with your hair impatiently. Don’t check your watch. Make them feel like you’re listening intently, not playing “The Impatient Partner”. Wait until they’ve totally finished what they’re saying. Then give them another few seconds, just to make sure they’re not gathering breath for the next onslaught. When you’re sure that they’re completely finished, sum up what you think they’ve just said in a few quick words before responding (“So if I’m understanding you properly, you’re saying ...”) Beware, though! If you’re not really feeling patient, if you’re frustrated or pissed at what they’ve just said, this last step can be very dangerous, because the temptation to mock your partner or “secretly” scoff via sarcasm can be overwhelming. Be very careful not to make fun or pretend to misunderstand (for example, “So what you’re saying is that this is totally my fault, that you’re totally blameless, and I’m just

84

Why Men Pull Away



the idiot schmuck who was unlucky enough to marry you!” ) Remember, you’re building something delicate here. Trust in a tricky situation - like an argument that’s trying to turn into a fight - requires concentration and dedication. And you can undo all your hard work with one snide sentence. But if you do it right, and listen to your partner with your heart, and really try to make them feel like you care about their opinion (even if every fiber of your being is screaming out to argue, make them wrong, and prove how right you are) you can make him feel like the most special person in the world - and the luckiest guy ever for having chosen YOU. Nobody’s saying this is easy at first. The first few arguments especially (particularly if things have gotten heated in the past) will feel like hell, because you’ve got the weight of past habits to overcome as well as your natural inclination to “prove yourself right”. But be strong. Remember, the tough times are a golden opportunity like no other to prove how amazing, strong, articulate, clever, and one-of-a-kind you really are. You can make him feel like you really understand him - and you will, too! - if you can just stick to the plan. Arguing is hard. Particularly when fighting is what you normally end up doing. But most relationships thrive or wilt on how well you both do under emotional pressure - and this may be the one single thing you need to master if you really want your relationship to blossom. Dreamgirl Tip #2: Remember That True Love Is A Celebration Of Conversation. Want to know what the most boring conversation in the world is? The one where everybody agrees about everything. Your differences are what make things spicy. The two of you have fascinating divisions in just about everything you can think of


Why Men Pull Away

85


(whether you realize it right now or not), and that’s actually a good thing - it means you can keep learning from each other, keep growing, and you’ll never run out of stuff to say!) So what happens if your partner wants to travel around the world, while you want to settle down and work on your career? What happens if they love beer and rock music, while you love classical violin and cello concertos? What if he’s a Texan steak-lover while you’re a strict vegan? All of that is okay, and none of it actually matters ... as long as you don’t get too attached to always having things your way. That’s what being different, and having different opinions and beliefs, comes right down to, after all: even if your partner wants things differently from you, you have to be able to show your respect for his opinions even if you strongly disagree with him. After all, you didn’t fall in love with his political beliefs, his love of dancehall music, or his need to wear cowboy boots and attend square dances every weekend. But you do love him, and his beliefs, opinions, and likes are part of what makes him the wonderful person you fell in love with. His beliefs and opinions are incredibly important to him - and they should be to you, too. Otherwise, he may find himself wondering how genuine you really are, how much he can actually believe you, when you say you love him - but you can’t accept his beliefs, his opinions, or his cowboy boots without smirking. So when the two of you are disagreeing about an opinion, a belief, or a decision that has to be made - take a step back and take a moment to feel some gratitude for your differences.

86

Why Men Pull Away



They’re what’ll keep your relationship energized and rejuvenated, long when a blander “identical” coupling has fallen by the wayside. Dreamgirl Tip #3: Never, Ever, EVER Let A Problem Simmer Unchecked. In New Zealand, there’s an advertising campaign on the television where the message is, “Don’t Drink And Fry.” Yep, you read that right: not “don’t drink and drive”, but “don’t drink and fry”. The ads show a drunk person dressed up in party clothes coming home tipsy at 2 am, putting some sausages in a frying pan on the stove, and then accidentally falling asleep on the couch while the food’s cooking. Twenty minutes later, they wake up coughing in a huge cloud of black smoke with the smoke-alarm blaring, while the kitchen blazes in flames around them. The message is clear: if something’s cooking on the stove, don’t fall asleep and forget about it, or your house will burn down. The same thing applies here: you know those little grudges and resentments? The ones you’re ashamed to bring up in case he laughs at you, or thinks you’re being petty, but that continue to niggle at you nonetheless? Those are the exact “petty grudges” that will one day bring your relationship down around you. ... UNLESS! Unless you start respecting yourself, and your relationship, enough to start bringing up those concerns as and when they happen. This is one way you can demonstrate true love for your partner and commitment to your relationship: by not allowing things to proceed to the stage where the flames start spreading.


Why Men Pull Away

87

Why Do Men Cheat? How To “Other-Woman-Proof” Your Own Relationship

Why Do Men Cheat? How To “OtherWoman-Proof” Your Own Relationship First of all, there’s a difference between flirting and cheating. No matter how much your guy loves you, he’s still going to get a rush from flashing his dimples at other women. And hey, that’s fine. (Wouldn’t you rather have a red-blooded man than Limp Willy who’s dead on the inside?) After all, he might look at, smile at, and fantasize about other women - but he’s still going home with you. He’s with you. He loves you. Most women, on some level, believe that if he’s looking, he’s planning. “If he’s staring at other women, he must not be happy, right?” they ask. Wrong! It’s one of those “glass is half full” moments. Just because another woman is beautiful (and he’s noticed) doesn’t subtract from your beauty. And just because he gets a rush from thinking about it doesn’t mean he wants to do anything about it. So relax.

Just because he’s looking doesn’t mean he’s unhappy. So what happens when he crosses the line from “looking” to “planning” ... and then from “planning” to actually acting on those plans?

88

Why Men Pull Away



Some men will try to rationalize their behavior based on - you guessed it - biology. “Men are preprogrammed to spread their seed, we’re designed to sleep with lots of women, it’s anthropological” ... ... blah, blah, blah. I INSIST that you ignore this argument (that’s if you haven’t already tossed it in the trash). Instead, let’s use your common sense: after all, this is one area where men are a lot like women. Men cheat; so do women. We have that in common. So if you were going to cheat, what would be the circumstances that would drive you to it? It’s really quite simple: people cheat because they need something their partner’s not giving them. And usually, that thing is attention. Imagine this: you’re at work, you’re on a project with a colleague, and that colleague ... likes you. He pays you lots of attention. He tells you how attractive you are. He laughs at all your jokes. Even though he’s no Calvin Klein model, he basically makes you feel like Aphrodite. But you resist, because you’re a good person and you care about your marriage ... ... and then you go home and - once again - your husband barely glances up from his football game when you walk in the door. When you talk to him, it’s always chores, bills, and babysitting. He doesn’t notice how hot your ass is in those jeans, and he sure doesn’t make you feel like the goddess of love.


Why Men Pull Away

89


So how about it? How long do you think you’d be able to hold out from someone who really, really liked you - who gave you everything you were missing at home? Especially if your husband continued to pretty much take you for granted for months - years! - at a time? Here’s your answer: “more men admit to cheating than admit to wanting sex with another partner” (Zinczenko, Men, Love, And Sex, 70.) So what does that mean? Simple: when it comes to cheating, it’s not the sex that drives him to it.

Statistically, more men admit to cheating than admit to wanting sex with another woman ... which means cheating isn’t just about sex. This isn’t about the cellulite on your thighs, the fact that his co-worker looks great in a pair of tight jeans, or that lacy thong poking out over top of his hairdresser’s black pants. It’s not about looks, age, or beauty. And, men aren’t dumb. They know that cheating can (and frequently does) wreck relationships beyond all hope of repair. And they don’t want to hurt you, either. But if things feel stale and old at home - if your sex life is in a rut, if things feel more “old and traditional” than fresh and exciting, if the two of you have gotten stuck in a groove of sweatpants, TV dinners, and underappreciation - then you can bet that if you’re feeling it, he definitely is ... ... and probably has been for months, way before you even picked up on the fact that something’s feeling kinda old.

90

Why Men Pull Away



So what’s the best way to cheat-proof your relationship? Well, you don’t need to inflate your boobs to a triple-J, get lipo on your belly, or dress exclusively in fluffy kitten-heels and baby-doll dresses. Nor do you need to create a wardrobe full of sex toys and whips (although that could actually be a lot of fun.) Instead, take an honest look at your relationship. Are you regularly checking in with each other on how you’re feeling, whether you’re satisfied, and where you think this is going? Are you able to be honest when things aren’t great? Do you think your partner is okay telling you the truth if everything’s not perfect? How do you feel about him? Do you feel excited, loved-up, and buzzed about sex - at least some of the time? Do things go well more often than not? Do you feel happy? (This is no time to rationalize. Feelings are what make a man cheat, and you can bet that whatever you’re feeling, his feelings are at least vaguely similar.) Are you intimate enough for both of you to feel the bond? I know I said cheating isn’t about sex - and it’s not. It’s about attention (remember, a guy likes a woman based mostly on how she makes him feel about himself.) But sex is the glue that binds a relationship together, and if your glue is old and flaky, then that’s when things can start falling apart. If your answer to one or more of these questions was “no”, don’t panic ... ... just remember: what he wants is to feel sexy, appreciated, admired, and wanted.


Why Men Pull Away

91


And he’d way rather that you made him feel that way instead of some other woman.

Cheat-Proofing Your Relationship: 3 Things You Can Do Right Now To Make Sure It Never Happens First, you need to make sure you’re both seeing eye to eye about what even constitutes “cheating”, because there’s a LOT of gray in this equation. For example, most men agree that full sex counts as cheating. But what about kissing? What about massaging? What about flirting? What about strip clubs, for Pete’s sake? (20 percent of men believe visiting a strip club is cheating - but what do you think?) You need to have this conversation now, if you haven’t already, so that you both have the chance to know what the other one expects. Honesty is required. Feathers may be ruffled. You might disagree on some points. But, you need to talk about it now, not later - because it’s better to have that uncomfortable talk before anything should happen. 2. Don’t freak out about the small stuff. Save it for the right time. Does he have a female friend who’s really hot (and who always seems to wear her cutest outfits around your guy)? Does he work in an office full of single women? Is he a personal trainer to hordes of lonely single women dying to just squeeze those rock-hard biceps?

92

Why Men Pull Away



Short of dating a male gigolo, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Despite what the sitcoms would have you believe, men actually CAN have female friends and not sleep with them (or even want to.) Sure, they might picture them naked - scratch that, they DO picture them naked - but again, just because he’s looking doesn’t mean he wants to do anything about it. It just means he’s a guy, and he’s alive. So save your strength. Grace and dignity are sexy, while jealousy rarely turns heads (and if you want to give away all your power, act jealous. Nothing screams “powerless” like the woman who’s needlessly competing with her man’s best female friend.)

3. Give him the excitement, the urgency, the fun and the “rush” of a new relationship right in his very own home. He wants to feel like a god - your god, preferably. And attention, admiration, and enjoyment are as powerfully addictive as any drug. So why not give him the hit he’d love to get, in the comfort and privacy of his own home? Don’t get the wrong idea. You don’t need to break out the insane acrobatic sex moves, nine-inch heels, and see-through lacy getup. This isn’t about putting on some performance to “win his attention” over. You’re worth more than that. (Although, if you felt like putting on a show …) But, you’re with this man because you love him, right? Even with all his flaws and the quirks that make him human, you’ve still chosen to be with him, because you love him. So why not let him feel how MUCH you love him? Why not give him the excitement and attention and approval that’ll make sure he never even LOOKS at another woman? If the attention of other women is fun, your attention is ADDICTIVE. Give him some. Get him hooked. He’ll never look back.


Why Men Pull Away

93


3 Ways You Can Recreate The Buzz Of A New Relationship Right Now: ü Plan fun dates. Don’t get stuck in the groove of takeout and TV every single night. Going out, having fun, and cutting loose makes the blood flow and creates a powerful bond. Go dancing, go to dinner, go on a picnic, go camping … go SOMEWHERE. But plan it now. ü Be really, really enthusiastic about getting to know him. You remember how, when you first got together, every little thing about him was fascinating?

How you got a big, goofy smile on your face just from hearing about how he has 3 nieces and 2 nephews and how much he loves being an uncle? How just going round to his place was cue to break out the “good” jeans (the tight ones), bring a bottle of wine, and cuddle luxuriously on the couch for hours? Try doing some of that now. Listen with attention and enthusiasm. Initiate LOTS of physical contact. Smile with your eyes when you talk to him. Don’t fidget and look around for something more interesting when he’s talking. Let him feel your enthusiasm.

ü For the next 3 days, maintain an incredibly high standard of personal grooming. No guy in his right mind will EVER tell you this … but we place a high, high value on a pretty girl who looks good. If you have a good body or an attractive face, we, as guys, like that. A LOT. And yeah … we can’t tell you this either, but when you start slumping around in trackpants and don’t even make an EFFORT any more, we notice … and we don’t like it. Matter of fact, we hate it. (And don’t rely on what we tell you about this, either, because we know if we tell you the truth, we’ll never, ever get laid again.) One of the best things about a new relationship, from the male perspective, is how much fun and pleasure you take in taking care of yourself: you swan around in cute little outfits, you wear the good panties, your hair always looks great, you smell good, you wear a little mascara and lip gloss … you look and feel GREAT … and we really, really appreciate it. And let’s face it: you’re a lot more confident and sassy when you know how good you look, right? And that translates to more and better flirting, more physical contact,

94

Why Men Pull Away


What If He’s A Work Addict?

and even better sex. All major pluses, as far as he’s concerned. So for the next 3 days, I want you to try this theory out for yourself: go get waxed, styled, buffed, tanned, or whatever “your thing” is that makes you look and feel great. Really put yourself together. And then sit back … and watch his reaction. I guarantee you, it’ll make your jaw DROP.


Why Men Pull Away

95


What If He’s A Work Addict? My friend Sarah once had a boyfriend who was a work addict. (Actually, he was her fiance.) A few months after they got engaged, he got a new, exciting job in a different city - so they moved across the country to a city, where neither of them knew anybody. She worked from home, so it was difficult for her to meet people ... she had no friends, no colleagues, and at the same time, all of a sudden the main person in her life wasn’t available to her any more. Weekends, evenings, lunchtimes, early mornings ... he threw himself into his new job with total fervor, and she barely got to see him any more. And it was lonely. Not only did Sarah miss the simple pleasure of his company, but she started to wonder: was she not attractive to him any more? Was she boring? Did he not like her? Or was he simply too focused on climbing the ladder to remember the parts of his life that didn’t revolve around the computer, the desk, and the email? As it turns out, it was nothing to do with her. The answer to the question was partly biological and partly cultural in nature: Men define their self-worth by their achievements. As hunters, men evolved with a brain highly attuned to movement and achievement: the movement of a deer sprinting through the forest at top speed, and the achievement of hitting that deer with a hand-thrown spear and lugging it home for the family to devour. Fast-forward a few eons to now, and you’ve got modern-day man, whose brain is still highly attuned to movement and achievement: the movement of LeBron or Shaquille

96

Why Men Pull Away



across the basketball court … and the achievement of doggedly climbing the career ladder at work, day after day, month after month. Men love to provide. And not only do they love it, they need to do it - or they feel like “less of a man”. Studies reveal that approximately one-third of all men say that, “besides their personality, their career is the one thing that defines who they are” (Zinczenko, 117). The same study revealed that more men would rather receive a one-time fifty percent raise at work than lose twenty pounds, work less, spend more time with their family, or date a supermodel (ibid.)

It’s not that he doesn’t love you. It’s that he’s driven to stand out from the crowd. Men are achievers, and he wants to achieve - not to coast, not to “just get by”, but to be recognized, acclaimed, to stand out from everybody else. (Psst - why else do you think he tried so hard to win YOU?) Being average is the secret fear of most men. So, he works hard because he wants to prove his greatness - and be recognized for it. So what can you do about it? (And why can’t he just work less, anyway?) Trust me: he WANTS to be having fun with you. He’d rather be cuddled up on the couch, cooking you dinner, or vacationing at the beach than hammering the keyboard. It’s just that his drive to succeed is not optional. He honestly feels like he doesn’t have a choice. That’s how the male brain works. And hey: this is something you need to consider. After all, you expect him to understand your priorities, right? Look at it this way: When a man is considering whether to commit, get engaged, or get married, he


Why Men Pull Away

97


looks at whether she supports his dreams … or whether she weighs him down like a ten-ton anchor. Let me tell you a little story to illustrate my point. I have a friend called Chris. Chris is a pretty eligible guy: he’s young, he’s cute, and he’s also kinda RICH. He’s been an entrepreneur since he graduated college (matter of fact, he was making money even in high school) and you could say he’s got “the business bug.” About a year ago, he was weighing up whether to ask his girlfriend to marry him. They’d been together for three years, and he knew it was time to either move forward in a big way … or call it quits altogether.

We talked about it over a few beers, and here’s what he told me: “I don’t think she’s the one for me,” he said. “We’ve been together for years now, and I really like her … actually, I love her. But here’s the thing … she’s never quite HAPPY with me.” As it turned out, his girlfriend wasn’t too happy with the fact that he earned so much money or worked such hard hours. She didn’t like the fact that he was a dedicated entrepreneur. In a nutshell: she didn’t like who he WAS at the core … and she even felt threatened by the fact that he spent so much time working, earning, and providing. Ultimately, this was the key deciding factor in Chris’ decision to break up with her. (He’s now married to someone else … she’s a much more laid back kinda gal who not only doesn’t MIND that he works hard, she actually celebrates his successes with him.) I’ll sum it up:

98

Why Men Pull Away



The thing that scares guys off more than ANYTHING else is feeling like they aren’t going to able to make you happy. And a HUGE slice of that pie is the deep-seated belief that he’s not going to be able to live out his dreams with you. Another buddy of mine, Mark, had been planning a trip to Europe with his dad for five years. They were going to take six weeks and go on a bike tour of some of the most beautiful European nature spots, and then spend the final week in London, seeing the sights and checking out the English lifestyle together.

So they saved, and planned, and booked tickets, and FINALLY, they were getting ready to go. Now here’s the clincher: instead of being happy for him and being excited that he was going to do this great thing with his dad … … Mark’s girlfriend just got pissy about it. She couldn’t understand why he had to take “six whole WEEKS” with his dad … She thought he should take three weeks, and then spend the other three weeks with HER. She was making it hard for him to live out his dreams. You can guess what happened … yup, Mark broke up with her pretty soon after that. “She was a great girl,” he said. “But there’s no way I could spend my life with someone who never wanted me to live my life the way I needed to live it.” By the way … Mark’s married now, to a woman he says is his soulmate. Why? Because “she’s so much fun!” he says, grinning. “She never gives me a hard time


Why Men Pull Away

99


about traveling or working or ANY of the stuff I want to do to move my life forwards. She loves travel too, so she often comes with me, but most of all she just gets the fact that I like to do things my own way sometimes … and she never gives me a hard time about that stuff. She wants me to be happy – and it shows.” So what does that mean as far as work’s concerned? Well, we know that you want to spend time with us. And trust me, we’d WAY rather be spending time with you than with our filing cabinets. But here’s the thing: work is important to us. It’s part of how we define WHO WE ARE. So that means you’ve got a choice: Either you can be the anchor who weighs him down … … or you can choose to be the rare woman who gets him, who understands what he needs to do, and who actually celebrates who he is. What does that mean in practical terms? 1. You can take the opportunity to become an expert on what he does so you can bond with him about it. You can learn the ins and outs of his business, figure out what it is his company really does all day, and then enjoy in-depth conversations with him about the complexities of his job when he comes home. Pros: he’ll start to think you understand him like nobody else does. Because you really will. Cons: if you aren’t exclusive and clearly committed, this can seem ... a little creepy. Plus, not all of us really want to learn about e-commerce, car mechanics, or driving a courier van. 2. You take the opportunity to spend this time on yourself. You know all the other people you probably have in your life? The ones you already

100

Why Men Pull Away



know well (the best friend, the sister, the mom) and the ones you don’t (that cool colleague you haven’t really spoken to all that much, the fellow yogini at the studio you liked talking to after class that time)? Well, when your partner’s super-occupied with work, now is the moment to expand your other relationships. Don’t smirk. This isn’t a booby prize. There’s a reason why women with large support networks often count themselves happier in their romantic relationships, too: because women who know lots of people just tend to live happier lives. And you don’t have to spend this time with others, anyway. You can spend it on yourself. You can do all the stuff that he HATES to do, or that you’re embarrassed to do in front of him, or that you always wanted time to do but never found before. Like leisurely Saturday mornings shopping and sipping almond lattes in the city. Or picnics with your girlfriends. Or simply sleeping in til noon ... then taking a nap with a good book by the bedside. The bottom line is, you have two choices: either learn how to talk to him about it, or learn how to be happy even when he’s not there. (I mean, come on, let’s look on the bright side here … at least he HAS ambition and a work ethic. Would you REALLY rather be with the bum who sleeps all day, wears pajamas til 3pm, and has zero drive to succeed at all??) The bottom line is: unless your boyfriend is a medical intern, an international pilot, or some other incredibly absent figurehead, the third option - breaking up over it probably isn’t going to change a whole hell of a lot in your life ... because chances are, the next man in your life will probably have the same “problem” too.


Why Men Pull Away

101

What He’s Secretly Afraid Of (That’s Making Him Pull Away)

What He’s Secretly Afraid Of (That’s Making Him Pull Away) Remember, men don’t have different feelings from us. They just have a different style of expressing them. So if you want to know what’s he’s secretly afraid of, ask yourself this: What are YOU secretly afraid of? Chances are, his fears are just the same as yours. Not feeling inspired? Here, let me give you a hint ... following are the top fears of the men surveyed to create this book.

• He’s secretly afraid that you’ll transform into his mother Men are afraid of ending up with the wrong woman. He’s not worried that you’ll get old and wrinkly one day (because he knows he will, too.) He’s worried that you’ll gain fifty pounds and turn into his mother: someone who nags, who pesters, who tries to control him, who he doesn’t even recognize and could never conceive of going to bed with. You don’t have to stay young forever. But you do have to stay invested in being a dreamgirl: someone who makes him feel amazing when he’s with you.

102

Why Men Pull Away



“I left her because she became too controlling. I had to put my foot down. She wanted to tell me what to do.” - Daniel, 55 He knows your relationship will have its ups and downs. That’s okay. He just needs to know that you - the woman he cares about, is wildly attracted to, and who he chased down like a prize - he needs to know that woman isn’t going anywhere.

• He’s secretly afraid of needing more than you’re prepared to offer.

Men need reassurance and validation just like you do. He wants to know that you think he’s hot, that he looks great in his suit (and out of it), and that you like spending time with him. No need to go overboard or give him a sappy Hallmark card-style speech about how he “completes you” or how you “always knew the two of you would be together”. Just pay a bit of attention to his good points ... and let him know you notice.

• He’s secretly afraid that you’ll lose your attraction to him. As you now know, most men are strongly focused on their achievements. One way of achieving is to work hard, get promotions, and bring home the bacon (or at least try.) But another big way of achieving is with you. If you’re not attracted to him - if you’re

bored, if you’d rather watch Desperate Housewives than roll around on the couch, if you crack jokes about how your sex life has vanished down the toiled - he loses status in his own eyes. He loses face. He feels like less of a man. And then he associates those feelings with you. But if you are attracted to him, and if he can FEEL that attraction, that will make him


Why Men Pull Away

103


feel like he’s cock of the walk. And he will appreciate you more for it, too, because men fall in love based on how a woman makes them FEEL. So if you’re attracted to him - and why else would you be with him, right? - make sure he knows it. Don’t worry so much about saying it; instead, show it with your actions. Show it with your expressions. Show it with who you are when you’re around him. Men are afraid of losing status, of not being able to keep themselves together.

• He’s secretly afraid of showing weakness and looking needy.

If he’s had a really tough day, he probably doesn’t want to talk about it, because he doesn’t want to dwell on it and he doesn’t want to make it seem worse. He wants to be strong for you, not fall apart in front of you.

“Sometimes we get concerned about looking needy to a woman ... and then we do something hasty like pull away, even though we actually like her and want to be together. We’re just trying to be protective of ourselves.” - Steve, 39, on men’s greatest fears • He’s secretly afraid of BOREDOM. He’s afraid that things will get stagnant and old and predictable. As far as most guys are concerned, the perfect blend in a woman is something like 3 parts stability to 1 part free, untethered spirit.

104

Why Men Pull Away



That’s the ideal. Ideally, you have some responsibility, so he can trust you; but at the same time, he can’t just sum you up in one sentence, either. He doesn’t always know where you’ll be or what you’ll want. And THAT is exciting. Men like uncertainty. We like to be kept on their toes. We like it when one day you wear jeans and no makeup and the next day you get all dolled up in a cute dress and mascara. We like it when sometimes you want to eat pizza on the couch and sometimes you want to go out dancing all night. We like to not always know what’s coming next. Remember: men have a much more sensitive “boredom radar” than women do. If he is starting to pull back, have nights out with his buddies every Friday and Saturday, if he seems less interested, it’s probably because he is. So mix it up. You guys aren’t roommates. You’re lovers. Find your unpredictability, book some fun dates (a concert, a hike, a trail-ride, whatever), break out some different outfits, and shake it up.

• He’s secretly afraid you’ll force him to sacrifice his dreams for “The Relationship”. Know what a vision of hell is for most men? He’ll be dragged from his life of autonomy, independence, and relative freedom… … bypass the part where you’re all loved up and can’t wait to roll around in bed with him all night … … and go straight to the part where he can’t even go out on a golfing weekend with the guys any more without you giving him a hard time about it. Granted, you may be able to play it cooler than that insane, credit-card-slip-checking woman from The Hangover.


Why Men Pull Away

105


But how do you feel when he goes to Vegas with his buddies for the weekend? How do you feel when he’s invited to a stag night? How do you feel when he wants to travel round Australia for six weeks with his best friends, and you’re not invited? You have to look at it this way: most women have NO IDEA how to let a man celebrate his freedom within the bounds of the relationship. Because they … don’t … GET IT. They don’t get the fact that, just because he wants to go off without you for awhile doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any more. They don’t get the fact that men need to have “guy time” just as much as YOU need “alone time”, “girl time”, or “quiet time”. They don’t get the fact that going off without you is actually his way of recharging his batteries so he can be a better lover, a better boyfriend, and a better, smarter, more enthusiastic, funnier, easy-going, AWESOME boyfriend for you. But YOU do. You get what all those other women do not … … that “man time” is not a threat to you, the relationship, or your future together… … it’s actually his way of improving himself and giving himself MORE energy for you. So you have a choice: either you piss and moan and drag at his ankles … try to force him to invite you along … and generally make a nagging, boring “Mom” of yourself … … or, you can be the ultra-cool girlfriend he’s always secretly LONGED for who “gets” that he needs to live his dreams (even though those dreams may not be YOUR dreams) … and who trusts him utterly to enjoy himself, have fun, be a man, and come back to you afterwards with photos, funny stories, and lots more love for you.

106

Why Men Pull Away



(And PS … give him his space without giving him a hard time … let him chase his dreams … and I guarantee you that he’ll wake up on Sunday morning with the taste of stale beer in his mouth, wondering why the hell he thought it would be fun to spend the weekend without you, and secretly wishing he was home with you right now. That’s going to do more for your relationship than ten thousand hours of whining and crying because he didn’t invite you along.)


Why Men Pull Away

107

Part 4 How To Bring Him Closer

Part 4 How To Bring Him Closer In Part 4, we’ll look at how you can soothe your partner’s fears, get over his nervousness, and recognize you for what you are: his ultimate dream girl he couldn’t possibly let get away.

108

Why Men Pull Away


What Makes A Man Start Thinking About Forever?

What Makes A Man Start Thinking About Forever? You can tell if a man is in love and thinking about a long term future because he will be consistently interested in you. You won’t have to guess, play games, or pretend you can’t see him to keep him interested. He’ll contact you regularly, he’ll make plans to see you, and he’ll treat you with respect. He won’t try to palm off any excuses on you and you won’t ever have to hear “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” When a man is in love with you, you will know it because the thought of not showing you, telling you, and proving to you how he feels is unthinkable. So if you suspect he’s cooling off ... how can you reignite the spark? And should you even try? Well, let’s just think about that for a second. If you’ve been following the relationship timeline, you know that your feelings and needs are reasonable, you’ve been making every effort to check in with your partner and let him know how you’re feeling ... ... and he’s still acting like a commitment-phobe ... ... here’s what that really means:

It means he’s happy with you for now, but he’s not thinking about the future. But he’ll never come out and say this, because he doesn’t want to break up with you. He wants you to stick around. He just doesn’t want to keep things moving forward,


Why Men Pull Away

109


either. Basically, he is waiting around to see if something better might come along. And he’s pretty comfortable for now with you, thanks very much. Nobody likes hurting someone else, which is why he can’t make it easy for you and just tell you that he doesn’t want a more committed relationship with you. Don’t get angry about this. If you’d assumed otherwise, that’s too bad - because he can’t be responsible for your assumptions. And if you’ve been checking in regularly to see how he’s feeling and whether the both of you are seeing eye to eye, it would be pretty hard to be knocked for six by something like this. You can’t blame him. So what should you do? In my top-secret survey, almost every single man surveyed said that the best way to rekindle a man’s interest is to PULL BACK YOURSELF.

If a man is acting distant even when you’ve already been following all the other advice in this book, that’s your cue to pull back yourself. If you’ve been acting like a dream girl in all other respects and he’s still not responding ... ... then this is not the time to start modeling the behavior you’d like to see in him. If he is cold, distant, and disrespectful, you aren’t going to cover any lost ground by oozing affection, love, and poems under a tree all over him. And don’t try to get all seductive and start doing the vacuuming in lacy lingerie, either.

110

Why Men Pull Away



Instead, the best thing you can do is prioritize your self respect by backing the heck off! Not just because it’s the only way to treat yourself like the dream girl you are, but also because self-respect and feminine dignity are the two traits that ALL MEN want their future wife to have. So take it down a notch. Start to get busier in your own life. Prove that you aren’t just hanging on his every word, craving his validation, and weeping into your pillow every night because he’s not dreaming of a romantic commitment ceremony in Venice. When he knows that you love him, you like him, and you like being with him ... but he can see by your actions that you aren’t going to take any crap and waste your time hoping for something better ... that’s when you REALLY become his dream girl.

And that’s when he realizes he needs you after all. It may take some time for him to notice this - it may take 2 weeks or it may take 3 months. But if the potential for a future together is there, then this behavior is what will finally bring it to the forefront.

“Women realize they’re in love in a man’s presence

... men tend to realize they’re in love in a woman’s absence.” - Sherry Argov, Why Men Marry Bitches It’s not about playing games, threatening to see other men, or whining for more commitment. It’s simply about self-respect.


Why Men Pull Away

111


You love him. But you also love yourself. Therefore, until he pulls himself together and figures out what he wants, you’re going to pull back out of the equation. Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches, suggests you dial back your time commitment to the relationship by 60-70 percent while this is happening (207). If normally you stay every weekend and a few nights during the week, see him once or twice in a two-week period. “He will know why,” she says, “and rest assured, he will get it.” Don’t hint about marriage or whine for what you want. You aren’t begging for a ring. You aren’t issuing ultimatums. And you aren’t getting all confrontational about your “need” for more commitment and warmth from him. Instead, you’re simply being a dream girl: letting him know you love him, checking in to let him know what you want … … and, if what he wants is “uncertain” or “distant”, you’re simply pulling back while he gets himself together. This is the ultimate self-loving way to concentrate the commitment in your relationship. ü There’s no pressure, guilt, or obligation. ü You aren’t turning yourself into a ball and chain. ü You’re simply proving that you’re a dream girl, by loving and respecting yourself enough to NOT accept uncertainty and insecurity.

Remember, he’s a person. He has boundaries just like you do. And if you push hard for what you want, he’s going to choke. Instead, give him the space he needs to feel some urgency. Let the rubber-band do its job. This is male nature at its best.

112

Why Men Pull Away


Keeping The Relationship Thriving

Keeping The Relationship Thriving There are always going to be tough patches in any relationship - times when things run hot and cold and you’re not sure where the future lies. That’s normal. But it’s been my experience, professionally and personally, that by making a few simple commitments to one another NOW, you can drastically minimize those upsets and give yourselves many more hours of joy and happiness and almost “magical” commitment together. Here are 5 parting tips to keep you on the right track: 1. Make a commitment to be kind to one another. You guys can have your differences. That’s fine; differences are healthy (and indeed, spicy!) But if you’re stuck being petty and critical, that’s going to take a toll on your relationship. Here’s one time where modeling what you want really DOES get results. If you want him to treat you well, think highly of you, and call you wife or fiancee or girlfriend instead of “the old lady” or “ball and chain”, you need to return the favor, too: treat him with respect and kindness, respect his opinions, and value who he is. You can do this by ü Listening with an open mind and an open heart when he speaks (even if you don’t automatically agree … and even when you strongly DISAGREE) ü Celebrating who he is and what he loves. If he wants to take three years to get his degree, that’s great. If he wants to travel through Africa before he settles down and has kids, wow! If he has dreams, you need to value those dreams also – not because they’re YOUR dreams (they’re probably not), but


Why Men Pull Away

113


because, if you love him, you love what he loves, too … because you want him to be happy. And if his dreams make you so unhappy that you just can’t handle it without pitching a fit and talking him out of it, well … maybe he’s not the right one for you after all. ü Respect his opinions, even when yours differ. If he chooses to eat plates of red meat and very few vegetables, erm, okay … you know better than to nag or try to convince him otherwise, right? Ditto his political views, religious views, or preference for spending the weekends outdoors when you’re not a huge fan of Nature. If you want HIM, then you respect him … even when your own opinions are massively different. 2. Make a commitment to communicate clearly and openly, always. There’s another word for commitment and closeness in a relationship ... ... communication. As long as the two of you are communicating honestly and openly, you ARE committed, because honesty is the one essential ingredient of any commitment bond. That way, when you’re feeling something, he knows about it. And when HE’S feeling something, you know how he’s feeling. You can feel secure and certain about the future (whatever it holds), because you know what he’s signed up for and whether he’s planning on being there or not. If he is, great … and if not, at least you know about it. That’s a huge form of respect right there. And you owe him the same respect. So if you feel like you need something more ... consult the relevant chapter of this book, and open your mouth. Find out what’s going on. Don’t trust your assumptions or presume he’ll point out if his vision is different from yours. And never, ever assume that your dreams are his dreams.

114

Why Men Pull Away



“Good communicator, affectionate, independent, trusting, loyal” - David, 35, on the 5 top traits a dream woman would have 3. Make a commitment that, when you’ve forgiven each other, you both give up the right to punish. Forgiveness means moving on. And yet, for some, moving on and forgiving is almost literally impossible: no matter how many times the other person apologizes, that fault or flaw is brought up again and again to “win points” in future arguments.

Here’s the deal: when you communicate honestly and openly, you’re going to piss your partner off sometimes. And they’re going to annoy you, too. Sometimes you might even get your feelings hurt. And that’s the price of honesty. Here’s how to get over that and keep moving forward: you agree to forgive one another ... ... and know that forgiving someone means you forfeit the right to punish them about it ever again. Forcing yourself to “act” forgiveness is unhealthy – you just can’t fake it. And trust me, if you feel annoyed or hurt by something, don’t try to forgive him for it without talking to him about it first - real forgiveness demands real communication. You need to bring up problems now, not three weeks from now when you’re so wound up and peeved that you can barely look him in the eye without shouting. Bring it up, hash it out, forgive, and then move on. You can’t do one without the other if you want to have a solid, loving relationship. 4. Make a commitment to having a glorious sex life!


Why Men Pull Away

115


Sex is vital to a good relationship. Without sex, all you’ve got is friendship. And especially for men, we need passion and lust and sweat and sex to feel bonded to you. Without it, our eyes - and minds - will start to wander; and we’ll find ourselves feeling less attracted, less connected, less caring towards you. Know something else? The same thing goes for YOU, too. (Ever wondered why you’re both so much nicer to each other after sex? Well, that applies to your entire relationship.) Here’s the funny thing about sex: you need to have it, even if you don’t really feel like it. Seriously. It only takes five or ten minutes, and once you’ve gotten into it, you’ll be so glad you did.

I know you’re tired. I know you want to read your book, go to sleep, and wake up and so you can deal with the next huge stressful busy day that’s lying in wait for you. But if you love your partner, you need to have a little tumble in the sheets every so often. Sex is the backbone of your relationship - the nerve center, the energy center, the thing that’s holding everything else up. And if you wait until you’re “in the mood”, it’ll NEVER happen - so preempt the mood. Have sex anyway. Your feelings will catch up to your body in about 2 minutes flat. You don’t have to be gagging for it for your sex life to be authentic and fun and fulfilling and passionate and sexy. You just have to have it. Don’t let your sex life slip through the cracks. Put off those initial thoughts of “I’m tired” or “I can’t be bothered”, and just do it. Once you’re in the moment and you really get on with it, you’ll find that your tiredness just slips away - and you’ll be able to express your feelings for each other with truth, passion, and authenticity. 5. Make a commitment to maintain space in your togetherness.

116

Why Men Pull Away



“Let there be space in your togetherness ... make not a bond of love.” - Kahlil Gibran Satisfying, magical relationships occur when each person enjoys a balance of “me time” and “we time”. At the same time, remember too that men are, biologically speaking, the hunters: they’re wired to pursue and achieve, to hit the target, to win the prize. … And this is true in committed relationships just as much as in the initial attraction phase. Here’s what that means for you: if you can create some space in your relationship - take time for yourself, to go off and do your own stuff, without him - the thrill will never die. A relationship should expand your horizons, not shrink them. So don’t give up the stuff you love just because he’s not into it. You can have both. When you take regular “me time” as well as “we time”, you feel balanced and refreshed, and you actually recharge the commitment batteries of the relationship. You give him an opportunity to miss you, to feel that urgency, to WANT you to be there ... to maintain that sense of keen interest and “butterflies” that’s so important to his desire to love and commit to YOU. ** Now that you’ve read this book and started to internalize these facts about men, I bet you’re feeling pretty good … … and pretty excited. That’s good. Keep those feelings of promise and intensity with you. And as a few final pieces of advice …


Why Men Pull Away

117


There’s no need to let your relationship morph into a sitcom about troubled relationships. This isn’t Sex And The City. This is your LIFE, and it’s happening right now. If you find yourself slipping back into old habits of fear and uncertainty, that’s okay … just pick up this book again, and read it. Cover to cover. Keep yourself inspired and in touch with your freedom and intuition. And keep up the fun, interesting, exciting, unpredictable behavior also. Stagnation and boredom set in when your habits become … well, stagnant and boring. Remember: blend the stability with the free-spiritedness and you’ll keep him HOOKED like a juicy fish. You’re never going to get exactly what you want in a relationship. Human beings are subtle and complex, and men have a lot more going on below the surface than most women realize. So relax. You’re not aiming for “perfection” here … … all you need to do is bear in mind that, the more effort YOU make to be a great girlfriend and really be the kind of exciting, fun person you want to be (and that he wants you to be), the more effort you’ll get back from him. That’s how relationships work. (Ain’t it great?) But it’s not a bank – it’s not like tit for tat. The timing can be weird. He has his own timeframe. And sometimes it might seem a little “uneven”. So don’t freak out about getting your exact amount of investment and energy back … because you’re in this for a long time, right? And these things can TAKE time. I always think it’s better to just throw yourself headlong into a great relationship with a lot of potential and spend a LOT of energy and love … because the way these things work is, the more love and energy you spend, the more you get back. It’s like a magic trick. So let me know how it all goes. Keep me updated with your thoughts, feedback, and experiences. I look forward to hearing your success story about how amazing your life and relationships have become!

118

Why Men Pull Away



Sign up for my free newsletter here: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/ It’ll help you stay in touch and motivated to keep improving and enjoying yourself. And remember … let me know what’s happening. I can’t wait to hear about it.


Why Men Pull Away

119

References

References Argov, Sherry. Why Men Love Bitches. Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2002 Argov, Sherry. Why Men Marry Bitches. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2006 De Angelis, Barbara. The Real Rules: How To Find The RIGHT Man For The REAL You. New York: Dell Publishing, 1997. Gray, John. Mars And Venus On A Date. Australia: Griffin Press, 1997 Gray, John. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. London: HarperCollins, 1992 Pease, Barbara and Allan. Why Men Don’t Have A Clue And Women Always Need More Shoes. New York: Broadway Books, 2004. Zinczenko, David. Men, Love, And Sex. New York: Rodale, 1996

120

Why Men Pull Away


The Meet Your Sweet Course Catalog

The Meet Your Sweet Course Catalog Transformational 12-Issue Course: A 12-Month Education in Total Attraction Transformation Ultimate Attraction Transformation Series Men’s Foundation Program: The core essentials to creating the success you crave in Love… Fireworks With Females Women’s Foundation Program: The core essentials to creating the success you crave in Love… The ‘Get a Guy’ Guide: From Initial Reaction to Life Long Attraction Technique and Life Skills Programs: The specific skills, tips and techniques in your ultimate toolkit to creating the success you crave in Life and Relationships… Connect And Commit: How To Take Things To The Next Level Of Commitment Supreme Self-Confidence in Dating, Relationships & Social Situations Conversation Chemistry – How to use the power of communication to create and maintain unstoppable attraction with the Opposite Sex! 2nd Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex The information inside each of these courses will empower you by giving you the life and love skills that you need to achieve a complete personal and social transformation, and help you attract, seduce and keep the woman and committed relationship of your dreams… and you can get a 60-day guarantee on ANY course listed above.


Why Men Pull Away

121

Ultimate Attraction Transformation Series

Ultimate Attraction Transformation Series Created by the Meet Your Sweet Team Edited by Slade Shaw Success with understanding and attracting the opposite sex is an elusive skill that evades most men and women. You know what you want and what you like, but when it comes to actually getting it, success in attracting a special someone remains highly elusive.

Many experts and pickup artists will share the techniques that work for them, but you’re not them. You’re not going to dress in strange clothes and do magic tricks, are you? You want a method that works for YOU, all the way from start to finish. That may mean closing on a partner or relationship, not always another one-night stand. The problem with most other gurus and PUAs is that they think there’s a magic bullet: ONE thing, one secret, one new skill that will guarantee success with women and men. But you are so much smarter than that. To be truly successful, you want the WHOLE picture, a person that not only has the SKILLS, but the CONFIDENCE, ATTITUDE and the CHARISMA to back it up. As far as most women or men know ... attraction just happens. And when they see the whole package, sparks fly! But first, I have a few questions to ask. Have you ever had any of these things happen to you? • You wished you were someone else in order to become more attractive. • You’ve finished a conversation, knowing you didn’t really say what you

122

Why Men Pull Away



needed to and left your love interest with a poor first impression. • You really like the opposite sex but usually end up being their friend rather than their lover. • You wish you had a social circle and social skills to impress the opposite sex and • show them you are a person of social value. • You’ve found yourself in a relationship where the love and attraction is waning, but you don’t know what to do to fix it. If you want to truly understand attraction in a way that you never have before, you need to know that it’s about much more than just ONE opener, ONE affirmation, ONE part of your body, or ONE aspect of your character. It’s about you actually being the COMPLETE PACKAGE, a man or woman of integrity and a man of power, who understands attraction is about more than just looks, attitude, or intellect. It’s about being ALL THREE. And best of all, Meet Your Sweet has created the ultimate attraction course. Introducing “Ultimate Attraction Transformation Series.” We have created two lifechanging series, one for men and one for women. No matter if you are 26 or 62, we have created a course that is going to change your life, starting today, with the first of 12 life-changing issues. It’s never too late to see the big picture and truly transform yourself into the attraction master or diva you want to be.


Why Men Pull Away

123


You can get your copy of “Ultimate Attraction Transformation Series” by going to: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/monthly

124

Why Men Pull Away


Fireworks With Females

Fireworks With Females By Slade Shaw Success with high quality women is a total mystery to most men. In fact, most women won’t be able to explain to you why they are attracted to certain men and not others. At least they won’t necessarily understand what is really going on. The reason they can’t tell you is because women don’t just decide that they are going to feel attraction for a man. It isn’t a decision based on what you dress like, what you look like, what kind of things you say and how much money you have. As far as most women know ... it just happens. This book is a combination of that research, my own YEARS of experience of being ‘that guy’ with women, the input of my ‘natural’ friends, and Mirabelle’s incisive professional insight as a female dating coach. It’s based upon the THOUSANDS of hours I spent meeting guys, talking to them, and observing their behavior around women, and the THOUSANDS of hours I spent doing extensive research into human behavioral psychology, and the emotional and psychological underpinnings of self-confidence and dominance. I’ve seen in REAL LIFE how the application of these concepts and ideas can literally TRANSFORM the lifestyles of HUNDREDS of men. I know this stuff works, because it’s worked for me my WHOLE LIFE... it’s worked for the thirty or so guys I grew up with... ... and MOST IMPORTANTLY, it’s worked for the HUNDREDS of guys who learned it, applied it, and went from ‘abysmal failures’ with women... to being the kinds of guys who can walk up to an UNUSUALLY ATTRACTIVE woman, and get her phone number... in about 3 minutes flat.


Why Men Pull Away

125

Fireworks With Females

The “Fireworks With Females” course has been specifically designed to teach you how to: • keep a beautiful woman attracted • communicate with women on a sexual level • create attraction and chemistry with women • be the man that EVERY woman wants • demonstrate quickly that you are a man of high value • approach women and start conversations • change your self image for dating success • use the power of body language to become irresistible to women • take control and develop unshakeable confidence

You can get your copy of “Fireworks With Females by going to: https://www.meetyoursweet.com/attractwomen

126

Why Men Pull Away


The ‘Get a Guy’ Guide: From Initial Reaction to Life Long Attraction

The ‘Get a Guy’ Guide: From Initial Reaction to Life Long Attraction by Mirabelle Summers Have you ever been told that you are attractive, funny, or smart, but... you’re not the kind of woman that he’s looking for? Perhaps you’ve dated a guy for a while and when it came to discussing ‘the relationship’ or ‘commitment’, things went downhill until it was over? Or maybe you’ve slept with a guy that you really like, and now he’s no longer interested in you? Or worse, he’s now interested in other women? There are a lot of scenarios that may have happened to you that lead you to coming to this webpage, but the overwhelming problem that you are facing is that: Men are difficult to understand - And if you don’t understand men, you probably think that all men are jerks. While this might make you feel better thinking this way, wouldn’t it be better to discover the truth about men and what makes them tick so that soon you’ll be in a great committed relationship with a fantastic guy? One key you need to focus on is being your best self most of the time. Part of being your best self is making sure you are looking at the world through a balanced lens. There’s no need to be ‘ridiculously positive’, but part of being successful with men and dating is putting your best foot forward, and knowing that when you’re happy, you’re sexy. I have so much information to share with you in my Get-A-Guy Guide about what goes on inside a man’s mind, how he thinks, and how you can not only be irresistible to men, but be incredibly inspiring to all others around you.


Why Men Pull Away

127

The ‘Get a Guy’ Guide: From Initial Reaction to Life Long Attraction

Get a Guy Guide has been specifically designed to: • Teach you how to get what you truly want from men and from your relationships • with them (You’ll save you years of your life in missed love opportunities and wasted energy!) • Discover all those deadly mistakes and obstacles that stop most men from attracting and keeping their ideal man. • Help you get your life back on track so that you are happy again and have a positive and exciting future ahead of you... no matter what happens.

You can get your copy of “The ‘Get a Guy’ Guide: From Initial Reaction to Life Long Attraction” course at the following web address: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/attractmen

128

Why Men Pull Away


Connect And Commit: How To Take Things To The Next Level Of Commitment

Connect And Commit: How To Take Things To The Next Level Of Commitment by Amy Waterman This course is all about building the love, affection, and long-lasting relationship that you want and deserve. Imagine how it would be to have someone in your life who is genuinely and deeply committed to you and your relationship? Imagine never feeling insecure about the future again? Imagine knowing that you can attract and create a relationship where the two of you want exactly the same things, and are going to grow from strength to strength together? If you want to put an end to unfulfilling relationships, take things to the next level of commitment, attract emotionally available people who take you seriously and support you in your life goals, if you want to learn how commitment really works for the opposite sex, then you’ve got to read this book. It’s crucial to your success. Amy’s discovered a foolproof method of magnetically attracting your partner to grow in closeness and commitment – on physical and emotional levels – as time goes on. How would it be to be completely immune to the death of love and closeness in your relationship? To not be worried when the lust and romantic love starts to fade, because you know something even greater is in store? Do you want to be in a relationship with your best friend, your favorite person, the person you love more than anyone in the world … and have those feelings reciprocated? When your love life is going well, everything else works like magic. But the best part is, it’s not actually magical at all – it just takes knowledge and a little skill. That’s


Why Men Pull Away

129

Connect And Commit: How To Take Things To The Next Level Of Commitment

where this course will give you the step up in your love life that you really need. Amy’s life-changing course is one of the most thorough courses on helping you understand, create, maintain, and foster commitment through every stage of the attraction and relationship process, If you want to create the ultimate relationship… improve your relationships starting RIGHT NOW… create better communication with everyone around you… achieve true and lasting physical passion in your relationship… and strengthen your relationship with your partner, even in times of stress and change…then I strongly recommend you read this book. It’ll change your life in ways you never knew was possible. In addition to the course, there are a number of bonus ebooks and audio files that will further assist and enable you on your search for commitment in your love life and relationships.

You can access the “Connect And Commit” course at this web address right here: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/commitment/

130

Why Men Pull Away


Supreme Self-Confidence in Dating, Relationships & Social Situations

Supreme Self-Confidence in Dating, Relationships & Social Situations by Slade Shaw Let me ask you a few questions: • Have you ever seen a guy or girl from across the room that you really like, or who you’d really love to meet.... but were too overwhelmed by fear and nervousness to go over and start a conversation? • Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve the kind of person that you are REALLY attracted to, that they might be out of your league, and as a result always settle for second best? • Have you ever felt yourself shaking with self-consciousness when you are talking to someone that you’ve got a crush on? Lost your words? Can’t be your best self? • Have you ever been in a relationship where you got emotionally insecure and ended up driving your partner away by your clinginess and insecurity? • Have you ever fallen in love with someone before you’ve even dated them and got jealous and upset when they pay others attention and go out with someone else? If you answered YES to any of the above questions, then this book is a great fit for you. I strongly believe that this information could help you lift yourself above the rest when it comes to attracting and maintaining relationships with the opposite sex. When you’re not self confident, then you get nervous and act differently at times when you feel stressed or need to be at your best. For example: on a date, or when you’re talking to a person you’re attracted to. If your confidence betrays you at these vital times, then you may actually struggle to


Why Men Pull Away

131


make your life turn out the way you want it to. Confidence is attractive and a crucial tool for guys and girls to have when dating, and without it, it’s difficult to attract a really good catch. Why? People base their assumptions of you on what they know of you. That’s why first impressions can count for so much and be so hard to change. If that impression they get in those first few moments is all they know of you, then as far as they’re concerned, that image they have in their head of you IS YOU. So if you meet someone you are attracted to and act nervous, fumble your words,

and run out of things to say… then as far as they know, you are the kind of person who is nervous, fumbles their words and runs out of things to say. And in those crucial first few moments, you lose your credibility and social status. (Of course, a little nervousness - with a smile! - can be endearing and can even help you, but if you can’t let your best self shine through quickly, your love life is going to be characterized by a series of stilted interactions and misunderstandings of who the REAL YOU is.) Also, it’s really unfortunate that people may assume from your shy or nervous behavior that you simply don’t like being around them. They pick up on your discomfort. You are expected to take the lead when you approach someone, so its crucial that you are able to follow through and hold a conversation.And this is exactly the kind of problem that this book deals with in detail. By reading Slade Shaw’s book, you’ll become the kind of person who enters a relationship with confidence and charisma, without needing someone else to ‘complete’ you. You’ll be looking for someone to ‘complement’ you instead of asking them a favor by dating you. This is one of the most powerful and special characteristics that you could possibly offer to a relationship. The self-confidence that Slade teaches you will instantly help

132

Why Men Pull Away



you become a more socially adept guy or girl who is able to manage the challenges and negotiations that all relationships and interactions bring.

You can access ‘Supreme Self-Confidence’ at this web address: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/selfconfidence/


Why Men Pull Away

133

Conversation Chemistry – How to use the power of communication to create and maintain unstoppable attraction with the Opposite Sex!

Conversation Chemistry – How to use the power of communication to create and maintain unstoppable attraction with the Opposite Sex! by Mirabelle Summers (co-authored by Amy Waterman) When renowned online relationship experts Amy Waterman and Mirabelle Summers started researching and writing Conversation Chemistry, they were initially going to write 2 separate books: one for people who are single or dating, and one for people who are already in a relationship. But the feedback received was an overwhelming number of suggestions that they combine them both together, as there was so much essential information in each of them for people at all stages of a relationship. Hence, Conversation Chemistry was created and is actually the length of two full books (298 pages) and is packed full of essential communication secrets for you, no matter whether you are single or in a long term relationship! We’ve broken it up into three specialized sections: Section 1: The principles of great communication with the opposite sex. Section 2: Secrets to talking to and communicating with the opposite sex during dating. Section 3: Communication inside a relationship Inside this life-changing and engaging course, you will uncover a whole host of conversation tips and strategies, including:

134

Why Men Pull Away



• The principles of great communication. These principles differ between men and women, find how and why! • How to adapt the way you talk to suit the person you’re talking to - this may determine whether or not they develop a romantic interest in you. You’re going to find out in detail how and why men and women communicate differently, and how to communicate in such a way that builds unstoppable attraction. • Find out the surprising results from a study of singles bars, conducted by a couple of doctors. They proved the theory that there is a definite sequence to the process of attracting a mate. You’ll hear what this process is, and how you can use it to your advantage in sparking attraction. • Find out the form of intuitive communication that NLP practitioners, psychologists and even pickup artists alike agree is crucial to forming a lasting bond with another person… • The ‘magic’ ingredients necessary to build potent rapport with the opposite sex. This is truly powerful stuff you won’t want to miss out on! • Find out the key secret to become a charismatic and high-status guy or girl who has no doubt that what you’re saying is interesting to your audience. • The 5 conversation turn-ons that when applied diligently, you’ll find that people will not just enjoy talking to you... they’ll go out of their way to talk to you! • How to overcome approach anxiety. If you suffer from approach anxiety, you’re not alone. Going up to someone and starting a conversation can be incredibly difficult! You’ll learn how to calm these nerves right here with our highly effective 5 step strategy. • The one thing that you absolutely must say to put people at ease and dramatically reduce your chances of getting “brushed off” by someone when you try to strike up a conversation. • How to spark chemistry and sexual chemistry with the opposite sex. You’ll


Why Men Pull Away

135


learn some incredibly powerful secrets here, and they are a lot easier than you imagine! • What to do if communication stops. Rarely go out for an evening alone together? Feel like you’ve run out of things to say to each other? Find out how to revive your communication and get to know your partner again. • Discover the 3 traits of happy couples who know how to disagree in a healthy, non-destructive way. • Uncover essential secrets on how to forgive. Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle, so it’s essential you master this crucial relationships skill!

• How to argue properly and grow together as a result, rather than grow apart. This is an incredibly important chapter for you to read as arguments have been proven to be severely detrimental to many relationships, and yet seen as strengtheners for others who know how to argue properly. • Using the power of talking about the future to further enhance your long term relationship success. Discover the next step and how to assess your progress at regular intervals.

Conversation Chemistry is designed to take you to the ‘next level’ of communication, whether you’re out to meet someone new, enjoy a fun and flirtatious conversation, master the art of flirting, or make a relationship into the best one you ever had.

136

Why Men Pull Away



You can access ‘Conversation Chemistry’ at this web address: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/conversationchemistry


Why Men Pull Away

137

2nd Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex

2nd Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex by Mirabelle Summers (co-authored by Amy Waterman) If you’re going through the emotional turmoil of a break-up with someone that you really didn’t want to happen (or now regret happening), then you have my whole hearted sympathy. I know what you are going through, I’ve been there, it isn’t a happy place and it isn’t an exaggeration to say that can even feel like someone has just died.

Breaking up is an awful experience. And I have created a book that is going to reveal to you some powerful methods for winning back your ex. Essentially, this book has been written to guide you through the process of healing the pain of a breakup; recognizing why it happened in the first place; figuring out whether it genuinely is a good idea to get back with your ex; and, if it is, I tell you exactly – EXACTLY! – what you need to heal the wounds and make your relationship better than it ever was before. But first I have a very important question to ask you before carrying on ... • Why Do You REALLY Want To Get Back Together With Them? • And Is It REALLY A Good Decision To Make?• • Were you and your ex really good together? Did they treat you the way you deserve to be treated? • More importantly, did they support you in your goals - and did you support them wholeheartedly in theirs? I’m asking that question in particular as it is the biggest determining factor in long-term relationship success according to numerous studies. The first thing that you need to do right now is STOP doing what ever you are doing

138

Why Men Pull Away



to get their attention back. No more sending flowers, desperate text messages, or begging for forgiveness! (Yes, really. Even if you genuinely feel that you are ‘in the wrong’, stop apologizing and stop begging.) Before you do anything that you think will win back the love of your ex, you need to listen to what Mirabelle Summers has to say. 2nd Chance is a course that guides you through the whole self-reflection, consideration, and negotiation process that characterizes a relationship breakup and rescue. If you are committed to getting back with your ex, and giving your relationship every chance of success, you can’t afford to be getting information that could potentially set you back or even end any chances of saving your relationship. You have listened to the advice of friends, family, indeed anyone who feels they would like to share their opinion with you. But now it’s time to get advice that is GUARANTEED to work. 2nd Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex is a course that is specifically designed to: • Maximize your chances of winning back your ex • Help you get your life back on track so that you are happy again and have a positive and exciting future ahead of you... no matter what happens. • Help you gain perspective and work through what really went wrong, and discover relationship secrets to help you avoid going down the path that caused your breakup again. And get your relationship back on track towards mutual growth and bonding.


Why Men Pull Away

139


You can access ‘2nd Chance’ and win back the love of your ex at the following web address: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/2ndchance

140

Why Men Pull Away


Why Men Pull Away

Recommend Documents