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DECISION POINT #1: WHAT IS MY IDENTITY?
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What are my goals?
GOAL: To find out what you would be, to decide what your objectives in life are, and be able to talk naturally and passionately about them. Your ULTIMATE goal is to get to the point when you can talk to women about your path and not care whether or not they join you. POWER RESOURCE: The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida In our first lesson, I want you to ask yourself, “What are my goals?” In any meeting with women, it is crucial that you establish yourself as a man with dreams, aspirations, and objectives. • • •
David Deida, the author of the fascinating book, “The Way of the Superior Man”, argues for choosing a “life purpose”. That means deciding on a direction for your life, and fusing everything you do into that direction.3 Living a life with purpose is SO much easier than a life without one
"Everything in your life, from your diet to your career, must be aligned with your purpose if you are to act with coherence and integrity in the world. If you know your purpose, your deepest desire, then the secret of success is to discipline your life so that you support your deepest purpose and minimize distractions and detours." -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man •
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For example, if your goal is to become, say, a world-renown DJ, every aspect of your life should feed into that: your friends, your hobbies, your wardrobe, your job, what you read, where you go--everything should point towards music as a way of life for you. When you establish where you want your life to go, it becomes that much easier to get it there. Everything makes more sense, and you have a path that you are committed to. Girls LOVE to follow people on paths. As one relationship guru said, “When a guy is doing his own thing, or on his own path, and then he’s including others on it, it’s completely different when he’s trying to fit in or trying to be with other people on their paths.” Would you rather follow, or BE followed? I think you know the answer. Girls LOVE to follow guys who are successful around. Just ask any rock singer or businessman. When you have a deep-rooted purpose, you don't need women as much as they need you. YOU get your pick of women; they have to fight to earn you! -2-
Important questions to ask yourself include: What kind of career do I want? If you’re doing something you have absolutely no interest in, take the necessary steps to get out of it and into something you believe in and enjoy! You’ll do yourself and the company a favor. What kind of interests do I want to pursue? You can’t please everyone; you’ll never be into the same things as all the girls you meet. So decide what you really like: maybe it’s sports, you want to know everything there is to know about baseball or football; maybe it’s travel, you want to know everything you can get your hands on about foreign countries; maybe it’s even woodwork or some other trade, you want to be known as an expert in your field. Decide what your interests are, commit yourself to them, and be proud! What kind of friends fit into my path? What kind of people do NOT fit into my path? Decide who supports you and who it is that deters you from your path. There will always be guys and girls who try to disabuse you of your hobbies, tell you your interests are stupid and boring. But if your interests are something you believe in, you’re better off cutting the detractors from your life, than what moves you. Or at least limiting your presence around them. Where do I want to be in 10 years time? This is not only a good question to ask yourself, but to ask women. Don’t worry about your answer, but do be prepared that women will ask you something like this as a test. So it’s good to know what you want so you have a ready answer. In what country or city can I best achieve my goals? Sometimes the country or city you’re in now isn’t the best place to achieve what you want, or to find the people who will support you in it. I know several people who could not find happiness in their home country or town, so moved on to other places and found happiness they never knew possible. Oftentimes you just can’t find the right friends somewhere, so it’s time to move on. Don’t be afraid to give a new city or nation a shot. •
Once you have solid answers to these questions, it’s up to you to pursue them.
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Start by believing in yourself, and believing in your goals.
EXERCISE Write down 5 goals you would like to achieve over the next 5 years. Decide on one PURPOSE you have for your life. These goals should all work towards achieving your purpose. Write down 12 goals you would like to achieve in the next year. Make one for each months. Make a month-by-month checklist to see if you achieve your goals. -3-
Quote to End On: "Without a conscious life-purpose a man is totally lost, drifting, adapting to events rather than creating events. Without knowing his life-purpose a man lives a weakened, impotent existence, perhaps eventually becoming even sexually impotent, or prone to mechanical and disinterested sex." -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man I guarantee you that when you present women with a man who knows what he wants, and is determined to get it, you won't have any problem meeting women. Right away, your attraction meter…has gone up! Recommended Reading The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida Secrets to Becoming the Alpha Male, by Carlos Xuma: Dating Dynamics: http://www.datingdynamics.com
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What are my interests and dislikes?
GOAL: To be able to talk, convincingly and comfortably, about your interests, and not let people deter you from what moves you. You will learn how to use your interests to make yourself more attractive to women. Here are some problems our Reservoir Dogs make: •
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Mr. Pink is too shy to talk about his interests. When he does discuss them with a girl, he talks feebly about them, like they’re “no big deal”. The problem, of course, is that when you treat your interests like no big deal, that’s what they become to a girl. Mr. White is so fascinated with finding Ms. Right that he tries too hard to impress her with his interests. He stumbles in his attempt to impress her, and ends up looking like a loser. Mr. “Oneitis” very much needs to learn better communication skills, so he can talk about his interests in a relaxed, confident manner. Mr. Brown knows his interests, and makes a point of discussing them, but does so in very boring ways. You know the guy: the one who goes into a big monologue about all the great things he does, without giving a girl to discuss what interests HER. He needs to learn to listen, and to speak more eloquently and persuasively. Mr. Blue downplays everything he does as sucking. Like Mr. Pink, he gives a negative image to his interests. He forgets that girls, and people in general really, are like sponges; they soak in what you say, and especially how you say it. If you display energy and enthusiasm, they will feel that from you. But if you display negativity and apathy, like Mr. Blue, so too will they feel those emotions. Mr. Yellow is afraid of talking girls, and afraid of talking about his interest in fear of being rejected. He doesn’t realize that if he can’t talk about himself, girls won’t be interested. Mr. Yellow needs to overcome his fear of people thinking his interests are good enough. They’re as good as you make them. Mr. Orange, like Mr. Brown, is full of himself and speaks as if he is the king and girls are lucky to hear him. He gets drunk and raves about how great he is. And since people feel out a person by how a person talks, girls KNOW he’s full of crap. He needs to talk about his interests in a more controlled, suave manner.
So of course this brings us to Mr. Red, our smooth-as-silk ladies’ man. Mr. Red doesn’t talk like a player, who only wants to say enough in a lady’s pants, but he also doesn’t want to talk like a geek, who positions himself as someone who’s not GOOD enough to get in a lady’s pants. As always, he strikes a balance. 1. Don't talk like you're trying to impress. Talk slowly and calmly. Lean back like you've got all the time in the world. Describe your interest with passion in a deep, intimate, "just-between-you-and-me" voice. -5-
A man on a purpose does not need to impress others. Others need to impress him. 2. Likewise, don't treat your hobbies like they're no big deal. Remembers, emotions are literally contagious; there's a system that makes people match the speaker's vibe. So if you treat your interests as stupid, so will other people. But treat your hobbies like something great, and they will too. 3. Leave Her Hanging! If you like traveling and have climbed the Great Wall or skydived over Sydney, don't tell her that all at once! Girls LOVE to be led on, so wait a bit. Tell her you love traveling, but bait her into wanting to know more. Simple things like, "Yeah, I'll have to show you some photos of my travels sometime" or "I have this great video of me skydiving" are sure to make her want to see you again. 4. Make Sure to Listen to HER interests. Yes, it's not all about you. Don't be quick to interject when a girl describes her interests and
experiences. Let her speak, show some interest (but not too much), then compliment her. After THAT, wait a few seconds. Don't say anything. Give her the "Colbert Chin" (see picture), and wait for her to ask you something. This will likely lead her to ask, "So what are you into/What kind of music do you listen to/What do you like?" To this, you can answer cockily, "Besides high-tech interactive porn? Hmmm..." Loosen her up with humor; it always works! EXERCISE Take a few minutes to write down YOUR interests and what YOUR ambition or ambitions are. List at least five, no matter how trivial they may seem. Then write down their importance on a scale of 1-5. The more important each interest is to you, the more passionately you should talk to women about them. Decide why you are interested in these interests, and how you will use them in your path to excellence. So figure out your life purpose, and knowing your interests (and dislikes) will come naturally. Your attraction meter has just…gone up! Recommended Resources "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer
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What Do I Do?
GOAL: To be able to comfortably and convincingly talk about what you do for a living and career. It’s inevitable: a girl is going to ask you what you do for a living. Some say it’s a test, some say it’s just an innocent question. Either way, what matters is not what your answer is, but how you answer it. If you treat the question like a test, like a big deal, you will fail. But, if you are prepared and treat the girl like she has to impress YOU, not you impress her, you won't just pass: you will show a girl you are in control, independent of her needs, and confident in your choices. Everything a girl wants. "It never ends. A woman will always test her man for the pleasure of feeling his strength in loving, his capacity to transcend nuisance, his persistence in his own truth, and his capacity to share that truth in love with her, even when she is complaining--especially when she is complaining...Your woman is testing you because she loves you. She wants to feel your truth. She wants to feel your love. And she wants to feel that your truth and love are stronger than the barbs she can throw at you. Then she can relax and surrender into the polarity of man and woman. THEN, she can trust you." -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man The other key to passing a "test," is asking yourself if this girl fits into your choice. Does it matter if you impress her or not? Does she truly fit into your life purpose? If not, why are you worrying?!? Here’s where our Reservoir Dogs get it wrong. For consistency, we’ll say they’re all fairly successful advertising executives: 1 Mr. Pink is shy about talking to his career. Even though advertising is an interesting enough career, he thinks girls won’t enjoy it and refrains from saying much about it. He loses out by not talking about it more. 2 Mr. White, in constant search of “The One”, tries too hard to use his career to impress ladies. He fashions himself as a provider, and talks as if he's trying to impress women with his plans for a family. This turns girls off in a hurry. 3 Mr. Brown thinks highly enough of his career, but bores girls with all the details they couldn’t care less about. There’s a right way and a wrong way to discuss one’s career, and unfortunately, Mr. Brown does it the wrong way. Girls -8-
4 Mr. Yellow is afraid to talk about his career, for fear of a girl rejecting his career as not good enough. He loses out in the process; girls actually are mostly interested in advertising workers, but he fears they’ll think his job is boring. 5 Mr. Blue always puts down his career, saying all the bad things about it he can think of. He wards off girls with his depressing talk. Instead of badmouthing his job and co-workers, he should discuss them with pride and energy. 6 Mr. Orange is the typical drunk businessman who thinks he’s the shit. He tries too hard to impress, in the process not impressing at all. You can see what these guys do wrong. They either talk too much about their careers, too little, or just make their jobs sound so boring or so depressing. However they do it, it’s bound to repel girls. But when you know how to describe your career right, you don’t repel—you attract. Our fearless Mr. Red knows how to do it right: 1. No matter what the question, Mr. Red never lets the woman assume more power than him. Mr. Red doesn't get angry at women for testing him; he knows it's part of their instinctive drive for a man who can provide and protect. He EXPECTS the question and answers it calmly. He doesn't care what she thinks of his answer. FUNDAMENTAL RULE When a man doesn't care what a woman thinks of his answer, she will be much more attracted to him. 2. He’s convinced his career, no matter what it is, is interesting. Some people may think it’s boring, some people may think it’s capitalist smug, but HE believes it’s fun and interesting, and conveys his interest suitably. Again, Mr. Red doesn't care what people think of his answer. 3. He describes his job as a part of something bigger: his PATH. Doesn’t matter if he’s not fully satisfied with the job; the way he describes it is as a stepping stone in his life purpose. The job gives him the income and knowledge he needs to make his dream of becoming a travel writer come true. If he has to decide between his path and a girl who thinks his path is a joke, Mr. Red always goes with the path. Girls respect him more for sticking to what he believes in. 4. He knows that women love a man with potential. They will be more attracted to a gas station attendant who dreams of owning his own company, than a guy who works in a big office with no purpose at all. Women love to give people a chance; why else would shows like Oprah and magazines like Women's Weekly be so popular? These media appeal to women's sense of -9-
sympathy and nurturing. So appeal to it yourself by showing that what you feel you're capable of! 5. He knows that as long as you answer their questions slowly and with confidence, you'll be okay. Mr. Red doesn't make a big, nervous deal of saying what he does for a living. He also doesn't avoid it. When a woman asks, he pauses a second (to regain control and not give her too much power--see my lesson on Listening), then explains slowly what he does. He doesn't rush his voice, knowing that a fast explanation makes him look nervous and full of crap. Talk slowly, gently, and a woman will be more interested--even if you work as a clerk at Wal-Mart.
Attraction in Action! Here's how Mr. Red handles the ladies: Lady: So what you do for a living? Mr. Red: Right now, I'm an advertising executive.
Love it, but I dream bigger... Lady: Oh yeah? What's your dream? Mr. Red: To be a successful travel writer and see every country on the planet. Lady: Wow, sounds interesting. Mr. Red: Yeah, I'm up to 70 countries, only 155 to go. (laughs) Lady: Does that pay well? Mr. Red: When you write with as much passion and knowledge as I do, it does. Eventually a woman will test you with how much you make. This is when Mr. Red turns the table on her and makes her have to defend herself from being a gold-digger! Lady (testing Mr. Red): So how much do you make doing advertising... Mr. Red: Why, do you want to marry me already? Look, I just met you, I really can't be rushed into a relationship that quickly. Besides, I don't date golddiggers. Lady: I'm not a gold-digger! I just... Mr. Red: It's okay. You can let me know how much YOU make. Now you know more about how to handle the inevitable question about what you do for a living. Just like that, your attraction meter…has gone up! Recommended Resources "The Way of the Superior Man," by David Deida "Double Your Dating," by David DeAngelo "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You," by Leil Lowndes - 10 -
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What Makes Me Unique?
GOAL: To determine and share what makes you so unique “First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” -Epictetus When it comes to interacting with girls, it pays to have an identity: who you are, what makes you unique, what makes you, YOU. Then do what you have to do, to make your identity your stepping-stone to female success. EXERCISE On a sheet of paper, write down five (5) things that make you unique. They could be anything: the way you laugh, unusual clothing you like to wear, a body mark, your career, really anything. Take the time to do that now. Believe me, EVERYONE has something that distinguishes them from everyone else. • • • •
By writing down what makes you unique, you MARKET yourself. You show them the product that is you, and five reasons why they should "buy" you. There's a lot of competition out there, so you have to set yourself apart to "sell." Showing what you have that no one else does, is the way to get girls interested in you—and drive up the price for your product!
Let’s go through some common unique identifiers: • •
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Being a foreigner is one of the easiest ways to market yourself as unique. If you have an accent, or dark skin, or speak a foreign language, even if not fluently, girls will notice you and be very curious. Likewise, even if you were born in the same country, your heritage can go a long way towards marketing you. I know a guy who casually mentions that he’s related to a famous musician (which is true), and this gets girls crazy curious, just like that. A unique body mark or style, such as a crazy hairstyle, foreign jewelry, or distinguishable eyebrows (like Jack Nicholson’s) or great teeth. Let your clothes speak for you. If you’re from the South and enjoy your cowboy image, wear a cowboy hat and boots. If you’re into a particular culture, like, say, the Caribbean, wear cool necklaces and shirts. Let your wardrobe speak your identity. A really unique job or interest. If you’re, say, a UN peacekeeper or professional daredevil, market the hell out of this distinguished position. And if you’re involved in something that most people aren’t, but would like to be, such as base-jumping or piloting, let them know about it! Finally, some habit or behavior that you have that no one else does. - 11 -
Some people have a funny laugh, or can do great imitations. Find out what little habit or action makes you unique, and build on it. In the cases of a unique interest or job, girls won’t know unless you tell them. So how do you showcase something unique like, say, that you’re a professional bungee-jumper (unlikely as it may be)? •
In the case of Mr. Orange, he would brag about it constantly, to the point where the achievement is no longer impressive but annoying. In his case, by getting drunk and raving all about himself, he comes off as insecure and arrogant—not desirable characteristics.
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But you don’t want to be shy about it, like Mr. Pink. Mr. Pink has a lot to be proud of; not too many people can stake claim to being a professional bungee-jumper, who travels around the world. But he thinks a girl ought to do all the talking, and doesn’t want to be like Mr. Orange, so he says nothing. This is not the way to do it.
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Finally, don’t paint what you do or are interested in, in negative terms. Mr. Blue, the resident grouch, might do something really cool and interesting, but talk about it like it sucks. If Mr. Blue were a professional bungee jumper, he’d just talk about all the negative aspects of it: the long hours traveling, the people he works with, the spectators who ask for his autograph. Even if there are downsides to your occupation or hobby, don’t talk about them until you really know a girl. Or better yet, don’t talk about them at all; people gravitate much more towards positive-thinking people than negative ones.
So how to talk about yourself? Our fearless Mr. Red finds a happy medium. Mr. Red knows…that a girl is inevitably going to ask him what he does for a living, so he gives a shrewd, humble answer that invites curiosity. Mr. Red isn’t shy about what he does; he tells her and doesn’t put it down. He knows that if he makes it sound like no big deal, then it will be no big deal for the woman. But if he makes it sound like it’s the biggest deal in the world—then the girl will be so off-put that she won’t give a damn. So Mr. Red says something like, “Well, when I’m not at my day job, I travel around the world bungee jumping, that sort of thing. It’s alright.” Naturally, it’s much more than “alright” for the girl, so she’ll pounce on him with questions. Remember: your identity tells people who you are. And that includes yourself. Knowing who you are, and what you want to be, goes a long way towards achieving your goals. QUOTABLE QUOTE “Your identity and your success go hand in hand. Many people sacrifice their - 12 -
identities by not doing what they really want to do. And that's why they're not successful.” -Lila Swell Get your identity right, and your attraction meter will go up…just like that! Recommended Resources "Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer "Unlimited Power," by Anthony Robbins
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5.
How Do I Want to Present Myself
GOAL: To dress to impress, wearing the right styles, fashions, and colors to signify to women that you are a true catch! Do looks matter? Yes. Do they matter as much as we are led to believe? No! The good news is, you don't have to look like Brad Pitt to get the women of Brad Pitt. But you do have to pay attention to how you present yourself. Remember: Dating is like marketing. Sure, people go for products that aren't the flashiest, and often those aren't the highest quality anyway (keep this in mind when comparing yourself to the alpha male jocks!). But products with good design catch people's attention. And you want to do the same--you want women to see you and KNOW that they should "buy" you. What you wear can determine how well you score. So pay attention! COLORS THAT ATTRACT WOMEN'S ATTENTION: Red •
The color of blood, conquest, masculinity, the flame of the human spirit.
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“It is the impulse towards active doing, towards sport, struggle, competition, eroticism and enterprising productivity. Red it “impact of the will” or “force of will” as distinct from the green “elasticity of the will.”
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The person who favors red “wants his own activities to bring him intensity of experience and fullness of living.”
Great Red Clothes to Attract Women: •
Red V-neck or crew neck sweaters
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A sturdy red windbreaker
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A red suit or dress shirt (though red pants should ONLY be used if you really want to peacock and be noticed! Don't wear it if you can't handle people staring at you...)
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If red is too bright and powerful for you, consider a darker, yet equally provocative color: burgundy. • •
This color stands for passion and high spirituality. Burgundy clothes are also a sign of higher status and advocate luxury
Great Burgundy Clothes to Attract Women: • • •
Dressy burgundy lace-up shoes Matching leather belt Burgundy button-down-shirt (short-sleeve or long)
I highly recommend you try Burgundy out. Blue • • • •
One of the best colors Blue clothing suggests a more trustworthy and warm personality. Can also make you look more serious and intellectual. Match just about everything, whether formal slacks or informal jeans, and send a great message to women. T
Try out some dark blue jeans, or if you're in more formal attire, a nice, stylish blue buttoned shirt. Black • • •
My personal favorite color. As Askmen.com says, "A man wearing black suggests elegance, authority and power." "When worn properly, black clothing also conveys neatness, simplicity and great versatility."
Yellow •
One of the worst colors to wear!
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The color of fear.
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Though visually stimulating, it also conveys anxiety and alertness.
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Only good yellow accessory to wear is a Lance Armstrong bracelet. Doesn't hurt to show girls you support the fight against cancer. - 15 -
White •
Looks GREAT if you are dark-skinned, not so great if you are pale.
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The color signifies virtue and can give you an extremely clean appearance.
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White clothing can also point towards a higher social status, and looks very preppy. Think white tennis shirt, or a white polo.
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Use especially in warm and formal settings. Again, white shirts look best against dark skin. Work on your tan!
Great White Clothes to Attract Women: • • • •
In the summer, a pair of clean, sparkling white linen pants Additionally, a well-tailored white suit will set you apart in any season In colder season, a trendy white jacket makes you look great Look for a striped linen short-sleeve collar shirt in the warmer seasons
Green •
The color of money!
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Relaxing color that makes you look compassionate
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Careful: green is also the color of "elasticity"--makes you look less dominant and more lenient of unacceptable behavior ("nice guys finish last")
Great Green Clothes to Attract Women: • • •
A green windbreaker Forest green V-neck or crew neck wool sweater In warmer months, a forest green polo shirt looks great (particularly with a tan)
Colors to Use in Limited Doses: •
Pink. Pink symbolizes cheeriness, love, and beauty. Good things in life, but are they what a beautiful woman to think of you? I don't recommend wearing pink; it's too risky.
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Purple. Purple stands for powerful things: royalty, magic, and mystery. Unfortunately, it's also featured prominently in the gay community. It's - 16 -
a risky color to wear, and one that I wouldn't recommend. You definitely can't wear purple pants or shorts, and the shirts are dubious, so why bother? •
Orange. Orange symbolizes vitality and endurance. It's a fun, bright color that has mostly positive associations. But how do you wear orange? In the summer, an orange button-down shirt can work, but if you don't like lots of attention, stay away from orange.
In short, red, black, blue, and burgundy are the winning colors to wear, with red and burgundy most alluring to females. Try them out! Recommended Resources http://www.askmen.com/fashion/fashiontip/49_fashion_advice.html How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, by Leil Lowndes
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6.
Believe in Yourself
GOAL: Develop a rock-solid belief in yourself that women find irresistible. You get what you give. That means if you give women and your friends a man who's broken, obsessed, needy and insecure about things...you'll get nothing back. Women won't be attracted to you, friends won't enjoy your company, and the whole attraction process becomes a lot more difficult! Independence and your own internal frame of reference are ways of saying that you control your destiny and do not let other people control your emotions. You can choose to let having a particular woman rule your life...or you can find happiness from within. Which will you choose? If you want to develop internal game so strong that women will be attracted to you just by your air of confidence and self-assuredness, it's time to start developing the 3 C's: • • •
Comfort Confidence Control
How do you develop these things? Read on...
3 Ways to Making Yourself Self-Dependent; "Creating Your Own Emotional Sphere" 1. AFFIRMATIONS. • To train the unconscious mind, you have to consciously state what you want to be true. • If you want to be rich, say, "I am successful and wealthy." The unconscious mind processes this and believes it. • While you may consciously not believe it at the moment, systematically stating it to the unconscious mind will, in fact, make it a reality. So if you want to become successful with women, state, "I am attractive and successful with women." • Notice something interesting: the unconscious mind can't process negatives. If I tell you, "Don't think about Pamela Anderson naked right now," are you really not going to think about her? Of course you will think about her naked! That just shows how the unconscious mind works. • Tell your mind not to do something, and it will do it anyway. • So always state positives. Say, "I will get beautiful women," and you WILL. • You also have to state these in the present tense, and in the first - 18 -
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person. Do NOT say, "You WILL get beautiful women," or, "I am going to get beautiful women." B By making your goal a present reality, you ensure that it is a selffulfilling prophecy. Big lesson: Words have power. Tell yourself you can't get hot women, and you literally can't. But say, "I attract beautiful women," and you will.
"Whether you believe you can or believe you can't...you're right." -Henry Ford 2. VISUALIZATION. • Picture what success is like. • If this means being happy with yourself, visualize yourself smiling, walking with an extra step, not worrying. Visualize the reality. • Breathe in and out, and FEEL the success. • If you want to be successful with women, you have to first BE: Say that you ARE successful with women. • Next DO--go out and get beautiful women. You've already said you're attractive to beautiful women, so this WILL happen. • Finally, HAVE--actually have a hot woman by your side. This will come with time. • Those are the pillars of success. For more on this, I highly recommend you read "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer. 3. ACTING THE PART. • This is the "Be" in the BE-DO-HAVE paradigm of The Tao of Dating. If you are attractive to women, act like the man who women can't resist. • Imitate successful men, like James Bond • "The best way to become successful is to imitate those who already are" • Walk the way they do, talk the way they do; eventually, it becomes natural
Also remember the 6 Ways to Show a Woman You're Emotionally Secure: 1. Never talk down yourself. All this does is tell a girl you're high maintenance, insecure, and not fun to be around. Remember, no NEGATIVE statements, only positive ones. 2. Never talk down your past girlfriends--this shows bitterness and insecurity.. 3. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. Unlike Mr. Yellow and Mr. Pink, who are either too shy or too scared to talk about themselves much, Mr. Red - 19 -
talks with pride about what he does. While he is a good listener, he is also a good talker, being careful not to boast but also not shying away from talking about himself. When you make the subject of a conversation all about the woman, not only do you feed her ego but also make yourself look uninteresting. Who wants that? However, this does bring me to my fourth rule, which is to listen to the girl. Ask her questions, and repeat back what she said. You can hear more in my lesson specifically on listening. Asking questions and actually listening to what she says goes a long way towards showing you're not so full of yourself that you're an arrogant jerk. 4. Talk highly about your friends. This is a great way to show happiness in yourself--by building up others! It achieves the double purpose of presenting a person who loves company, and of showing that you're not so full of yourself that you don't appreciate other people. In this world, you get what you give. If you give out positive messages and happiness to others, you'll get that back. But conversely, if you talk crap about others, people will treat YOU like crap. And you won't get any girls. 5. Talk with passion. Just by telling a girl stories, whether interesting or not, with passion and excitement, you are showing her that you are a fun person to be with, and a person who has enjoyed life by being himself. You are happy in your own skin, so act like it! People with love for themselves are enthusiastic and passionate. 6. JUST BE YOURSELF. Not being yourself shows a lack of love for yourself, and shows that you need a girl's approval to be happy with yourself. Remember, no dependence--independence! Happiness comes from within, not from outside. Act like who you want to be, the type of person who makes YOU happy with yourself. Don't be what you THINK others want you to be. Living for others is an Instant mistake; you're giving too much power to women, and they actually don't want that. They want a man who's in command of himself, who controls his situations from within. Being yourself, and being damn proud of it, shows an independence from women, which in turn makes you more attractive. Girls LOVE men who aren’t independent; as you heard, they want a man on a path. Well, if you have love for yourself, you ARE on a path, and that path is full of success and happiness. So empower yourself, by being yourself. And telling yourself that who you are is the best person out there. THAT'S a winner's game! Recommended Resources Face the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Dr. Susan A. Jeffers Working on Yourself Doesn't Work, by Ariel and Shya Kane The Tao of Dating, by Dr. Alex Benzer Double Your Dating, by David DeAngelo The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - 20 -
DECISION POINT #2: WHAT DO I EXPECT FROM WOMEN LESSONS 1 & 2 Understanding Women, Parts 1 & 2 GOAL: To learn and understand what women want and need, and use the facts to your attraction advantage The hard facts we men need to know and consider before you go on a night in the town: •
According to evolutionary scientist, Dr. David Buss, in a study of over 10,000 people in 37 countries, on six continents, women value men based on three big things:
1. Ambition, 2. status, and 3. financial resources. Similarly, relationship expert, Andrea P. Roberts, suggests that women determine a man’s worthiness based on 3 qualities: 1. Education level 2. Physical height, and 3. Salary level. •
Is money everything? NO. Women are very forgiving; as long as they sense AMBITION and a POTENTIAL for financial success, they will stick around even the poorest of men. It's part of their need to form CONNECTIONS and UNDERSTANDING between people. Appeal to their sympathy!
•
As you'll learn below, women are about cooperation and socialization, and taking in a man who has unlimited potential is sometimes more attractive to them than a man who's already made it. If you can connect with them and reveal your emotions and goals, you're in for good.
•
Physically, women look for signs of strength: height is a bonus, as tall men are typical stronger. They also look for wide shoulders and a narrow waist--the first suggests strength, the second actually suggests a strong immune system. The other cues to a man who has desirable - 21 -
genetic qualities are thicker necks, and broader jaws and chins. In short, women want a man who looks like he can take care of her. •
They are programmed to look for PROVIDERS and PROTECTORS. This suggests to us that women aren't attracted to firemen, athletes, and bodybuilders just because they look good: it's actually because their brains tell them that these men would protect them from danger and provide a comfortable lifestyle.
•
You don't actually have to join the fire department or train for the NFL to attract women: simply join a gym, learn how to defend yourself and others, and take care of your immune system by eating well.
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A man with a strong immune system actually gives off pheromones that women subconsciously smell. Their brains tell them that a man who is healthy and strong, would make a good mate.
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So pay attention to your blood pressure and muscles: not just to be healthy, but to attract women, too!
•
Ever get frustrated that women SAY they want nice guys...but then don't give them the time of day compared to bad boys? There's a reason for women going for bad boys: they're more likely to protect them. It's part of evolutionary psychology:
•
'While we know at head level we want a sensitive, caring mate who will empathize with us, there's a gut instinct telling us we should go for the hairy macho bloke. This basically goes back to evolutionary psychology. Women are attracted to the big, strong mate who will give her healthy children and fight off saber-tooth tigers. A man who is traditionally masculine is more likely to attract us initially.' -Paula Hall, relationship counselor for Relate
•
So as I explain in my lesson on "Nice Guys," it pays to have bad boy behaviors and characteristics. You don't have to be a dirt bag; just show a girl you're strong and will protect her. Those are the cues her brain needs.
What Women Value in Men •
What do men value in women most? According to these same studies, we instinctually search for purely physical characteristics; we are visually attracted to women. The characteristics our brains look for are signs of good fertility: a narrow waist, wide, child-bearing hips, and large breasts (presumably, to feed the babies, but also physically attractive!). So if you're attracted to the girl with the great ass and nice breasts, don't feel bad--it's part of our instincts! - 22 -
•
Know the evolutionary reason for why women are reluctant to have sex with just anyone? WOMEN only release ONE egg each month. Once this egg is fertilized, they're stuck with a baby for nine months of pregnancy. Their sex drive is very limited. Men, on the other hand, have a virtually limitless supply of sperm and could hypothetically father hundreds of children in those same nine months. Life goes on for men; life comes to a screeching halt for women.
•
What does this mean for us men? It means you really do have to prove yourself a catch if a woman is going to risk pregnancy by sleeping with you. Fortunately, by learning my techniques, you'll separate yourself from the rest of the men out there, so women will gladly risk pregnancy to be with you!
•
The good news for single men is, evolutionary psychologists are increasingly suggesting that there are benefits to women sleeping around. Many of women's actions are driven by the need to protect their children, and having many male partners increases the chance of her children's survival; more lovers means more fathers. Dr. Buss calls this "Mate insurance." For guys who are single, this is great. For guys who are in or get into a relationship, be careful! You can do this by providing the things women want most: a strong man with a good immune system, who can provide a comfortable living for herself and the children.
•
Also remember that whereas we men cheat on our spouses mostly for physical pleasure, women cheat for emotional understanding. They cheat when men don't give them the love and compassion they need. So be a good listener, take care of your partner's emotional needs, and watch after her and the children, and you won't have to fear.
•
This brings us to the sheer importance of COMMUNICATION with women-and not just being able to talk well. Women have VASTLY superior communication skills: they typically begin speaking earlier than boys, have greater vocabularies, their brains have many more cells devoted to communication than boys, and they are far less likely to develop speech dysfunctions like slurring than men are.
•
When it comes to language and communication, they've got us men licked. Women are genetically wired to be greater communicators; thousands of years ago, it was required, for they were the mothers, nurturers, social hosts. They talked with other mothers while tending the children, while men were busy hunting, fighting, and competing, often with nothing said between them at all. It also explains why we men have so many problems talking to girls, while women never lack for something to say on dates!
Where do men go from here? There's a good side to all this: - 23 -
The fact is, women are better communicators than men: they can read signals from body language to tone of speech that we men never even knew existed. Nearly 75% of signals women receive from men are not from what we say, but how we say and how our bodies are positioned. Clearly body language is important! So check out my lesson on "Flirting, Body Language, and Other Communication Cues" to learn how to read and speak body language. Importance of Emotions and Communication •
Why are women so much more emotional than us men? Similar to why they are better communicators, women have many more "hot spots" for emotions: it occurs in both the left and right lobes of their brains, whereas in men, emotions are located in only the right hemisphere of the brain.
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Men's brains can operate separately from other brain functions, whereas with women, emotions offer occur simultaneously.
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Men can argue logic and words, then switch to spatial situations, without getting emotions involved.
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Women, on the other hand, find it very difficult to perform functions like problem-solving without emotions getting involved, because the problem-solving tissues are mixed right in there with the emotion ones!
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Therefore, it's important to understand WHY women get emotional, WHY they value relationships, WHY they treasure good communication. If you can do this, women will become attracted to you, because they will see that you are always "feeling" and "understanding" their emotions
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As Barbara and Allen Pease write in the excellent book, "Why Men Don't Listen, and Women Can't Read Maps," "A woman leaves a man not because she is unhappy with what he can provide, but because she is emotionally unfulfilled...She wants love, romance, conversation...a man needs to be romantic, and, most of all, listen when a woman talks, without offering solutions."
•
Got it guys? Show love, talk lots, be romantic, but also be a man: a provider and a protector. It's not always easy, but the sooner you realize it, the greater you'll succeed with women.
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For more excellent information on the differences between the sexes, I HIGHLY recommend you pick up "Why Men Don't Listen, and Women Can't Read Maps," by Barbara and Allen Pease. - 24 -
Quotable Quote "A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.” Reading Resources: Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, by Barbara and Allan Pease The Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, by Leil Lowndes Why Men Don't Have a Clue, and Women Need More Shoes, by Barbara and Allan Pease Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman
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3.
The Power of Choice
GOAL: To become aware of the importance of choice, and not settle for girls who are not what you want or treat you with disrespect. Get over your fear and go after only the kinds of girls YOU find attractive--no matter how hot or untenable they may seem. "The more a man can come from a place of choice…two things happen, #1, the higher quality women he will attract, and #2, the more likely the relationships will last, because he won’t rush into something that isn’t ideal." -Relationship expert, Ken Kenny The type of women you choose to chase--or choose NOT to chase--will determine your happiness or unhappiness to a great extent. I've got a friend who only goes after 10's: strippers, playmates, bikini models. Once in a while he'll be lucky enough to get a date with one, but usually he struggles. There are lots of normal and even attractive girls who want to date him, but he refuses to date girls unless they're gorgeous and have fake boobs. Is it any wonder that he's always miserable? His choices are severely limited, and most of the time he doesn't even get who he wants! •
Different people make the SAME mistake: they settle for the woman who they think will love them, have sex with them, maybe even marry them.
•
But when you SETTLE, you get what you pay for, and often, that is DISASTER. It's a miserable relationship, a nasty break-up, an expensive and violent divorce. All because you didn't go for who you want, who's TOP on your choice list.
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Unfortunately, partners who want to move into the relationship quickly tend to leave or cool off to the relationship just as quickly.
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If you end up in a relationship where there is immediate chemistry, where you are loved and adored immediately, most likely you will be left or ignored soon after.
•
So it pays to take it a little slow, to make sure that you and your partner are on the same PATH, that she fits into your LIFE PURPOSE.
"Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose."
-David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man It is possible to be attracted to have chemistry with lots of people. But that doesn't mean everyone you're attracted to or have chemistry with should not be your relationship partner. - 26 -
Save yourself a lot of trouble by choosing a girl based on your purpose, not a purpose based on your girl!!! POWER RESOURCE: The Tao of Dating, by Dr. Alex Benzer EXERCISE Lisa Paries has a great article about the dangers of settling. She encourages you to avoid settling by asking yourself these questions: "What do I need in a relationship? What can't I live without? What do I need day-to-day from someone in order to continue to fall in love with him or her? What do I value in someone above all else? What will be important when I live with someone? What can't I live with? What is the worst thing a partner could do to me? Add you own questions to the list to distill your relationship values."
Ultimately, choice is about what YOU want in a girl. You have to be upfront and honest with yourself to determine who you really want to be with. Does the girl fit into your purpose? Does she support and encourage you in what you do? Does she have the looks and the behaviors that will make you happy...or unhappy? The price of not being choosy...is misery for many, many years. If you'd like to learn more, I highly recommend you read "The Relationship Mistake of Settling," by Gary Caine. It's a quick but powerful article you can find at: http://www.singlescafe.net/settling-in-relationship.html
Here's something you need to know: the choosier you are, the better women you get. •
Better girls, by being choosy. Because girls respect a guy who settles for nothing but the best
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Additionally, the choosier you are, the more likely your relationship will LAST. Why? Because you didn't SETTLE--you got what you want.
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Think of it like this: It's like settling for a Mazda when you really wanted - 27 -
a BMW. The Mazda might be okay, but it won't be as fun as a Beamer. Eventually, you'll want a refund, a trade-in: you'll opt out. But go with your first choice, the BMW, and you'll always be happy! •
Women want to feel EARNED. They want to feel like a man wanted her and her only. They want to feel like out of all the millions of women out there, you aimed for just HER.
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Likewise, think about this: What kind of men do women go after? Do they go for the easy choice, the man who's dying to have her, the man who will give her his love if only, if ONLY she'd give him a chance? Hell no!
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Women go for the man who's HARD TO GET, who doesn't need her, who is only interested in her because there's something fantastic about her that separates her from the rest.
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Women want what they can't have. They want a challenge. The harder you make it for her to get you, the more attractive you become.
"Let the attractive women tell you of her extraordinary business acumen before you suggest lunch to talk about collaboration...Let your quarry feel she earned your interest or attentions through her brilliance, fascinating personality, her talents, her wonderful uniqueness. Then she'll value your company all the more. Because she got it the old-fashioned way...she earned it." -Leil Lowndes, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You EXERCISE Take 5 minutes to describe the things you want, and absolutely can't stand, in women. Don't hold back: be absolutely honest in what you really want. Because if you're not honest now, you'll pay for it later, with a miserable relationship, or worse, no relationship at all! If a girl sees that you'll go for just anyone--you'll get no one. They'll see you're easy, you're boring, you have nothing special to offer. They won't be attracted to you.
What's a stand-up guy? According to one excellent relationship expert, Craig, "A stand up guy is a guy who's not afraid to speak his mind and do the right thing in a situation." He's a guy who shows authority and DEMANDS that people be socially courteous with him. Women have to EARN his respect before he gives them attention. •
If you have high expectations, put a premium on choice and quality in women, you'll get what you want. - 28 -
•
Or, "If you expect the best, you'll get the best."
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Believe in yourself, don't take crap from anyone, stick by your decision to demand the best from women, and you'll be met with success. You'll be seen as a stand-up guy, a guy who settles for nothing less than the best.
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Women, regardless of beauty, want a quality guy who pushes for the best. It's part of their instincts; they want a protector. Who protects better, a guy who lets women run all over him? Or a guy who DEMANDS respect and calls women out on immature, disrespectful, and shameful behaviors?
"If you don't know why a woman fits in your life..if she doesn't fit your purpose, then you're not being in integrity with yourself. You might be accepting 2nd rate behavior from YOURSELF." -David DeAngelo •
Stay clear to your purpose, make sure she fits into your path. If she doesn't, move on. The funny thing is, a woman respects a guy who walks away from her a lot more than one who hangs around.
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Choose to demand nothing but the best for yourself, and go for only the types of girls who earn your respect. That's happiness, and that's what going to get you the best girls out there.
Quotable Quote: "Happiness or unhappiness is often a matter of choice." -Anonymous So choose to be choosy, and happiness with women won't be far behind! Recommended Resources http://www.singlescafe.net/settling-in-relationship.html "The Way of the Superior Man," by David Deida "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer http://ezinearticles.com/?Pro-Choice:-How-Being-Choosy-with-Women-WillActually-Get-You-Better-Ones&id=293113
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4.
Expectations and Attitude
GOAL: To manage expectations and develop a winning attitude Our goal today is to manage our expectations of ourselves, and of women, and to be able to successfully deal with disappointment • • • •
Have you ever noticed that the less you expect something to happen, the more likely it will occur? When you EXPECT a girl to go home with you, she tends to pick up on your desperation and not give you what you want. When you EXPECT her to chase you and give you her phone number, she doesn't. But when you’re care-free and don’t NEED a woman to go home with you—that’s when things start to go your way. When you develop a freedom, an independence of will, suddenly your expectations and desires come true.
It all begins with having high expectations of yourself. Though you shouldn’t EXPECT to get laid every night, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hope to have a fun time. Never put yourself down; visualize success and you’re sure to achieve it, one way or another. Just reframing your expectations from bad ones to good ones will go a long way towards making your dreams a reality. QUOTE “Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.” -Brian Tracy, Professional life coach Let’s look at how some of our own Reservoir Dogs approach expectations, and how they could change it. 1 Mr. Pink, the real softie, expects nothing from himself. He hopes to find a great, caring girl, but has been hurt before and doesn’t expect much from either himself or the women he meets. His past hurts become his present limitations. 2 Mr. White, the Oneitis guy, expects the girl of his dreams to show up. He expects the expected, which is his biggest mistake. 3 Mr. Brown, the boring guy, expects girls to listen to him and be amazed. He doesn’t expect them to reject him; he considers himself a catch so he’s got to get someone. His inability to see his own faults damages his chances severely. 4 Mr. Blue expects the worst from girls. He expects a miserable night full of bitches who won’t give him a chance. 5 Mr. Yellow expects to get his heart stabbed, and fears talking to girls. - 30 -
He expects to get hurt, thus doesn’t even want to go out for fear of doing something stupid. 6 Mr. Orange expects a wild night. He tells himself he’s going to get drunk and get laid. Even when his expectations aren’t realized, he continues every week to go out with unrealistic standards. One can see what might be wrong with the expectations of these guys. • •
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Mr. Pink expects nothing from himself; he has too little confidence. What girl is going to be attracted to that? Mr. White only wants one girl; he ignores the rest. He expects to find perfection but doesn’t realize that there isn’t always just “One”, there are MANY. He expects to find one girl and live happily, but the truth is that, in most cases, you have to practice with different girls before you find Ms. Right. Additionally, as in my case, the best girls often appear when you’re LEAST expecting them—not when you’re actively searching them out. Mr. Brown expects girls to listen to his monologues without giving them a chance to speak themselves. He only wants to talk about himself, not listen to others. He’s definitely heading towards disappointment. Mr. Blue fulfills his own prophecy. Because of his unsuccessful past, he doesn’t think he can get girls, and so he doesn’t. He expects to encounter nasty attitudes, and because of his own grouchiness, does. He gives meaning to Henry Ford’s classic quote, “If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.” Mr. Yellow fears everything, and gets nothing. The only thing he expects is heartbreak, and GETS it because, somehow, girls never go for a guy who’s afraid of both them and himself. Mr. Orange, like Mr. Brown, has unrealistic expectations. He expects one thing, and one thing only: SEX. Every night. His expectations are too limited; he can’t just enjoy the moment. He’s always looking to the future, and he doesn’t see anything happening with a girl, he quits on her. Mr. Orange misses out on some great women because of his unrealistic, unfair expectations. He doesn’t realize that good things come when you’re not looking for them. If he lived more in the moment, he might become more attuned to what’s going on, and actually get what he wanted.
So what does our fearless Mr. Red do? When it comes to expectations, Mr. Red knows what to expect of himself—and what to expect of other people. Mr. Red has 7 winning expectations, including… 1 He expects plenty from himself. He expects to have fun, no matter what happens with women. Women do not control him—HE DOES. He - 31 -
2
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has confidence when talking to women, knowing that it’s just a matter of presenting yourself as a fun person who’s in control of himself. He does not let the girl’s beauty blind him. Mr. Red knows that treating one girl like a goddess, like “The One” is not healthy for either person involved. He has fun with the relationship, and sees what will happen. If Ms. Right is to show up, it will be on her time, not his. Mr. Red does not live with unrealistic expectations of love at first sight. Unlike Mr. Brown, Mr. Red doesn’t expect girls to just listen to him. He knows that he will have to listen to them, as well. Communication is a two-way street, and a man who listens and understands is VERY attractive to females. The only prophecies Mr. Red fulfills are those in which he believes good thing will happen. He does not predict bad things to happen, because he knows that thinking and saying bad things will happen, will make it so. His positive attitude makes his night a good one, regardless of outcome. Mr. Red knows that fear is his biggest enemy. He knows that girls don’t want a guy who fears them; they want a guy who is comfortable and confident in their presence. He doesn’t expect to get his heart ripped to pieces; he knows that he might be rejected or hurt, but does not let that fear overwhelm his thoughts. Additionally, unlike Mr. Orange, Mr. Red doesn’t expect every girl to hook up with him. He lives in the moment, sees where things are going, and is content if things don’t go all the way to the bedroom. His expectations are realistic: he knows he’s good enough to go home with a great girl, but he also knows that sometimes it takes time to develop such things. His night is not judged on how many girls he brings home. It’s judged on how much he’s grown from and enjoyed the evening. Most importantly, Mr. Red also knows that good things happen when he isn’t EXPECTING them. He knows to expect the unexpected, and to not expect the expected. The best girls will come when he’s not actively pursuing them.
So remember to expect good things from yourself, but be patient and unexpecting when it comes to girls. Beautiful things happen when you’re not looking. I myself have met so many wonderful women when I wasn't looking-one I met on a tour of Berlin, another while waiting for a NYC city! In both cases it was the same: the lack of desperation and effort make you much more attractive to women. Recommended Resources "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer "Double Your Dating," by David DeAngelo - 32 -
5.
Absolute Power
GOAL: Transform your emotions. Get over the past, become a stronger, better person NOW "No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” -Friedrich Nietzsche It pays to be able to own your emotions and control them. Let’s see where our Reservoir Dogs fail to do this: 1 Mr. Pink, the shy type, remembers his past failures, and gets himself stuck in a vicious cycle: he remembers the pain of talking to women who rejected him, so he stays shy, and never talks to women. He is his own worst enemy. 2 Mr. White, like Mikey in Swingers, never forgets his past girlfriend, “The One”, and thus never reaches out to new girls. 3 Mr. Brown remembers rejection but 4 Mr. Blue hates himself for his past mistakes and dwells on them to no end. His constant negativity is his downfall; he cannot accept that the past no longer means anything. He needs to see the positives in the past. 5 Mr. Yellow is afraid of rejection and past hurt, so never advances. He’s stuck in his fearful past and never gets out of it. Too many guys fear the hell out of girls because of past humiliations, but don’t realize that each approach is a fresh opportunity; the last one doesn’t count. 6 Mr. Orange never learns from the past. He concentrates on the present and the future, while ignoring the lessons from mistakes he made in the past. His problem is not dwelling on the past, but not learning from it. Mr. Red, on the other hand, knows how to handle rejection and past mistakes: • • • • • • •
Live in the present, not in the past Do not fight your feelings; embrace them and watch them go No person has the ability to control his emotions but HIM More importantly, he knows that past mistakes aren’t all bad—they can be a stepping stone to greater and better things. He knows that life is a JOURNEY—you learn from your past mistakes so that you can avoid future ones. Going through a bad breakup or a horrible rejection isn’t an end in itself; oftentimes breaking up or striking out with one girl just opens the door for someone even better! Learn from the past to build a better future; see bumps on the road as a part of your journey, your PATH - 33 -
For example, I know a guy who five years ago broke up with a girl, Kathy, he was SURE was The One for him. She wasn’t, because she ended the relationship and ended up marrying another guy. Now, my friend could have become obsessed with the past, let it doom him forever. In fact, the first year or so after the break-up he did just that. But after a while he learned to get on with his life, and use his bad experiences to his ADVANTAGE. He decided that he would grow from the experience; he wasn’t meant to be with Kathy, and committed himself to fixing the wrongs he made with her: being too attached, not spending more time with his friends, going out more. He became a better, more fun person in the process, all because of his break-up from Kathy. That’s because he saw the past not as a hole in the road, but as a bridge to a better future. Like my friend, Mr. Red knows how to overcome negative emotions that keep you stuck in the past. He’s read the excellent book, Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work, by Ariel and Shya Kane. It deals with the three principles of transformation, which will help you move from being in the dumps, to feeling great! 1. Anything you resist, persists—and gets stronger. Say you had a bad break-up with a girl. You’ve got tons of regrets. But every time those painful emotions come up, you resist them. You say, “No, I’m not gonna let those bad memories consume me.” So you fight them, rebel against them. But somehow, the problem only gets worse. You think that by putting up a fight, the thoughts will go away. But they don’t. They come back with a vengeance So clearly, resisting doesn’t help. 2. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. Pretty deep, huh? “No two things, can occupy the SAME space at the SAME time.” But think about it like this: Can you be both ecstatic AND depressed? You might be bipolar and go through both emotions, but you can’t experience them at the same exact time. As we’ve seen, FIGHTING for happiness only makes the sadness worse. Listen to the experts: “No two emotions can occupy the same space at the exact same time.” 3. Anything that you recreate or have be exactly as it is, will complete itself and disappear. Or to put it another way: “If you let things actually be the way they are, they disappear.” So instead of fighting the emotion, confront it. Don’t see it the way you feel it. See it the way it IS. Then watch as the negative emotion disappears. So take your negative emotions: guilt, anger, fear, depression, whatever, and put them through the process. It takes time, and isn’t a cure-all, but I guarantee you it’ll make you feel a lot better and advance you towards a - 34 -
better future. You’ll become a better person, and in turn a lot more attractive to girls. Who can argue with that? Recommended Resources "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work," by Ariel & Shya Kane "Working on Your Relationships Doesn't Work," by Ariel & Shya Kane "Unlimited Power," by Anthony Robbins "The Way of the Superior Man," by David Deida "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer Congratulations! You've just improved the way you handle emotions. Women love a man who's in control, and you've just learned how to control yourself. Your attraction meter…has gone up!
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DECISION POINT #3: WHO AM I ATTRACTED TO? 1.
Nice Guys
GOAL: To overcome "nice guy syndrome" and form the deep emotional connections that make women so attracted to bad boys.
Key Lessons Learned: • • • • • •
Women don't want just friends--they want male lovers! Why do nice guys finish last? Because they DON'T GIVE WOMEN EMOTIONS To successfully attract women, you MUST CREATE EMOTIONS AND MEMORIES Do that by breaking her state--doing something she can never forget! Use things with positive associations and emotions (example: rollercoaster’s) so she positively associates those emotions with you This means performing actions that create chemical reactions and release pheromones (such as teasing and busting their balls)
10 Emotional Extremes to Give Women (Stand-up Guy): • Exhilarated • Curious • Angry • Shocked • Aroused • Wanting more • Fascinated • Challenged • Not needed (man is independent) • Left in suspense 10 Emotional Extremes NOT to Give Women (Nice Guys): • Bored • Uninterested • No rollercoaster-ride of emotions; always the same • Needed (man is dependent) • No suspense • Sexually repelled • Wanting man to go away • Never challenged; always worshipped • Predictability • That she is #1 in your life/That you can't live without her "A woman seems to want to be the most important thing in her man's life. However, if she is the MOST important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man's dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose--and also to love her fully. Although she would
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never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose." --David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man 10 Great Ways to Create Emotional Reactions in Women:
•
Tease them. Joke about the clothes they're wearing, or the way they talk. Show them you don't take them too seriously. BUST THEIR BALLS, and you assume power over them. Girls like that. Along with this, Violate social conventions. For example, instead of shaking a girl's hand, give her a high five. Or give her a black fist and say, "Respect." • Look deep into her eyes. This is an easy way to make a woman remember you! Look deep into her eyes--do not flinch, look down, or look away from her. Position your body so it is completely facing her. By staring intensely, with bedroom eyes, into her own eyes, you release the "love chemical," PEA. PEA gets her heart fluttering. This way, there's no way a girl will forget you this way, and you don't have to be a bad boy to make her chemically attracted to you! • Be funny. Do something crazy that will make her laugh. I walked into a bar like a crab and this gorgeous girl cracked up so hard it was a cinch to get her number. See my lesson on Humor for more. • Shock her. Bump into a girl and act as if she bumped into you. Say, "Watch it, punk!" This puts her on the defense and releases a chemical cocktail of emotions Those emotions are embedded into her, and you're forever in her memory. • Be charming. Say something nice, with a twist. Go up to her and say, "I have to apologize to you." She'll ask why. Reply, "Because you have the most beautiful face I've ever seen, and I cannot possibly go home tonight until I find out what your name is. You're stuck with me until I find out who you are..." Give a small pause as she takes this in; let the chemicals rush to her head, then say with a grin, "Sorry." • Surprise her. Walk up to a girl and challenge her to a game of thumb wars. Or walk up to her and say, "Hey sister, gimme 5!" It's silly and immature...but man, will she remember you! Most of all, it's fun. You should "find your skin," so to speak. Don't be someone you're not. Just have fun. For example, if you're the intellectual type, walk up to her and say something like, "Excuse me, I have a question: If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean Congress is the opposite of Congress? HMMMM." • Get physical. If you tell a woman that you do Tae Kwon Do, have a black belt in karate, or have reformed from your previous life as an amateur rugby player, she’s going to immediately assume that you’re the kind of guy who could protect her in an emergency. Now, if you’re a 135-lb geek with spaghetti arms, she may not believe you, so I recommend that you actually get some martial arts or self defense training. Kick some ass on the football field. Join a gym and get pumped up. Show the woman that you’re a warrior, and she’d better believe it, or you’ll just move on - 37 -
•
•
•
to the next girl. Make her feel safe. By doing the little things for her, like walking on the part of the sidewalk between her and the street, or keeping an eye open for anything potentially dangerous, or standing up for her immediately when anyone attacks her verbally or physically, she’ll learn to TRUST that you, indeed, have a bad guy within you ready to stand up for her and defend her if necessary. Be the guy who straps her in her seatbelt on the roller coaster, or who offers a hand so that she doesn’t trip. Trust is built upon these actions. Play on her wild side. As I said before, being successful with babes takes the kind of attitude that isn’t afraid of risks. If you’re always concerned about being politically correct, perfectly polite, and the kind of gentleman she’d introduce to her folks, you’ll see girls slip through your fingers time and time again. Be a little outrageous. Flirt with her shamelessly. Let her know that you find her sexually attractive. Drop hints that will intrigue her. Say something risqué, and grin when her mouth drops. They may act shocked, even offended, but believe me: they LOVE it when you tease. Develop attitude. I just can’t emphasize enough how crucial having a winning, confident attitude is. You don’t care what others say. You don’t care what others think. No matter how a woman reacts, it just blows right over you. That’s because you’re always in control. No woman—whether beautiful, popular, or rich—has power over you. You don’t need anyone, you’re not dependent on anyone, and you don’t have to cling to anyone. Got it? Good.
QUOTABLE QUOTE “Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.” -Evan Davis Recommended Resources "Double Your Dating," by David DeAngelo "Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer
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2. Where to Meet Women In this lesson I discussed with you some great places to meet girls OUTSIDE of online dating. These include: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Abroad At work Evening Classes Through family and friends Random places, including public transportation Places you work out: Gym, yoga, martial arts classes Online Dating Church or religious services and clubs Karaoke clubs Social groups and Clubs
ATTRACTION IN ACTION As opposed to online dating, the other, "real" places to meet are sometimes better because: 1. They’re unconventional and spontaneous. 2. They’re unexpected, thus they’re unlikely. The fact that the chance encounter could easily NOT have happened gives girls a great story to tell their friends on how you met. And it gives you, their girlfriends’ approval! 3. There’s less pressure associated with them than with bars and clubs; thus, girls are more open to friendly conversation and meeting again. Resources • http://www.000relationships.com/towomen/live/2006/09/05/where-tomeet-women/ • For more information on how to approach women at these places, check out Lesson D3 L11: How to Approach with Confidences • For tips on how to impress women, check out D3 L7: Making Impressions • To understand female body language and how to use body language, tonality, and space to your attraction advantage, check out D3 L10: Flirting and Body Language • If you meet a great girl at one of these places and want to prepare yourself for the first date, check out Decision Point: Who Do I Want to Date?
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3.
Networking
GOAL: Expand and utilize your social circle to more easily get the women you want How do you meet girls when you’re tired of going to the bar or club? Through your network, of course. As someone once said, "It's not what you know but who you know that makes the difference." And having a great network will definitely make the difference in attracting the girl of your dreams. • • •
Think of your dating success as being like a business: you need contacts to make it grow. The more people you know, the more chances you have of meeting “Ms. Right”. As one study in the book "Sex in America" found, nearly two-thirds of married couples met through friends, family, or co-workers. That’s 66% of people meeting through a network! Never underestimate the power of expanding, and utilizing, your social chain.
How do you do this? Let’s take a look at how our smooth Mr. Red builds and manages his network of friends, family, and acquaintances. 1. Know your LIFE PURPOSE • • •
Knowing your life purpose goes a huge way towards finding the people who are right for you. Hang around people who are familiar with your passions and purpose. This way, you always have something to talk about, and people are on the same page as you, committed to helping you out. 2. Join clubs and activities related to your purpose
• • •
You have to LIVE OUT his purpose, as well Do that by joining clubs and social organizations related to your direction in life. This goes a long way towards building contacts and making friends, all of them committed to finding him Ms. Right. 3. Uses the friends you have
This may sound like common sense, but a lot of guys think they can do this stuff alone. Don’t be afraid to use the guys you know as wing men. Mr. Red invites his buddies out for a night of drinks and fun. Even if they don’t score, - 40 -
they still have a good time; Mr. Red treats them well and thanks them for joining him. 4. He lets his network know he’s single and interested • •
•
• • •
•
Mr. Red isn’t afraid to let people in his social circle know that he is single. He especially lets the female members of his circle know—including friends of friends, and even family of friends. Mr. Red is aware that women LOVE to play matchmaker, and if you want one person to help you find women, it’s a girl with single friends (ideally hot ones, of course!). Mr. Red encourages his female friends to help him out by taking them out for dinner or buying them a small gift, as a token of his gratitude for looking out for him. This, of course, not only shows thanks but also encourages girls to continue looking out for him. However, there is one thing Mr. Red is clear about when he lets his network know he's on the market: He lets people know WHAT KIND OF WOMEN HE WANTS. He retains his sense of CHOICE. As you learned in my lesson on choice, you don't want to settle for just any woman. Many times match-makers will try to set you up based on the availability of their friends, not on who's right for you. So be clear in what kind of woman you want; if you want an athletic, intelligent girl, don't let them set you up with a cigar-chomping, chip-chewing high-school reject. It won't be good for either of you, and it'll make you less attractive in the process. Be adamant in what you want, remembering that a man who is choosy gets higher-quality women, and longer-lasting, more fulfilling relationships.
Finally, 5. Mr. Red builds a network everywhere he goes • • • • • •
Always look to expand your network. Get to know the owners, managers, and bartenders of clubs, pubs, and restaurants--anywhere you go. Do this by tipping well, being friendly to the staff (asking how they're doing, telling jokes), and always praising the service. You might see the same people at a bar or club, so get to know them right away. Use the approach techniques outlined in the lesson on approaching, to penetrate groups of gals and become quick friends. It's not always easy, but Mr. Red makes it easier for himself by offering something they can REMEMBER: a fun, sociable guy who's quick with a - 41 -
• • •
laugh and full of entertaining stories. Once you get to know one girl or guy, use them to get to know the rest. Before you know it, everyone will know you at an establishment. Mr. Red understands social proof: When girls see someone is popular, someone who people enjoy being around (especially high-status people), they get curious and jump on the bandwagon! By developing a network within bars and clubs, you ensure that you never lack opportunities to meet girls.
How do you get to know high-status people? 1. Start by being quick with a smile. Enthusiasm is contagious, and people like to have their mood's lifted, so if they see a guy who can brighten their day, they'll do anything for you. 2. Next, remember people's names. As , and ask people how they're doing. People LOVE to be called by their names and genuinely asked how they're doing, so if you come off as sincere, sociable, and fun, you'll have no problem making acquaintances wherever you go. Make an effort to remember everyone's names, for as Dale Carnegie says: “If you want to win friends, make it a point to remember them. If you remember my name, you pay me a subtle compliment; you indicate that I have made an impression on you. Remember my name and you add to my feeling of importance.” -Dale Carnegie It works, so make an effort to remember and use people's names. 3. Finally, ask people how they're doing. Not anxiously, not desperately. Just in a relaxed, calm, confident manner. Be the guy who says, "Hey, Jimbo, how's it goin'?" People love a guy who seems like he wants to know how they're actually doing. It's an overused question, "how are you," but if you make it sound sincere, there's no limit to the power you have over people. They WILL become your friends and help you to find women. THAT'S a winner's game! Recommended Resources "How to Talk to Anyone," by Leil Lowndes "Double Your Dating," by David DeAngelo "Voice Power," by Renee Grant-Williams Sex in America, by Robert T. Micheal, John H. Gagnon, Edward O. Laumann, and Gina Kolata
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4.
The Power of Travel
GOAL: Understand the value of travel in meeting women & making yourself more attractive QUOTE
“The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” -Saint Augustine Travel is an incredible weapon for meeting women, foreign and domestic. If you’ve never traveled or don't do it much, you’re missing out on a goldmine: • • • •
Great, life-changing experiences Finding out more about yourself Memories to last a lifetime and share with friends and females And, of course, beautiful and exotic women!
Guys who don’t travel, are limiting themselves to the girls and experiences of only one nation: who wants to be like that? Additionally, guys who are not well-traveled exhibit lesser class, lesser value. When it comes to projecting value, few things are as easy as talking about your travels. A man who is well-traveled INSTANTLY conveys status! Guys like Mr. Blue only see the negatives in traveling: sure it costs money. Sure people in foreign countries are different than you. You have to deal with different languages, different currencies, and different cultures. And yes, sometimes it’s a pain in the butt spending so much time on a plane, train, or bus. But you know what? It’s WORTH IT. • • •
Because when you’ve traveled, you can talk about your experiences with girls— and THAT automatically makes you more interesting. When girls see you're fun to be around in other countries, it subtly tells them you're fun to be around...at home! Makes you more attractive, regardless of looks…though a nice tan definitely helps!
Again: A man who is well-traveled INSTANTLY conveys status! • • •
Remember women’s evolutionary instincts: they want a man with status, a man with educational smarts who can pay for a comfortable lifestyle. Well, a guy who can afford to travel definitely exudes class. He also exhibits financial resources and ambition, two big things women look for in a man.
So, by traveling you meet a woman's instincts, no matter where you meet women: at home, and abroad. They’re all the same in the end. One thing girls of all nations have in common: they love a guy who’s well traveled.
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What Mr. Red Does Abroad... • When he’s abroad, our smooth operator, Mr. Red, makes every effort to speak the language. • Even if he sucks at the language, he’s aware that girls love guys who make an effort with their language. • Speaking another language shows intelligence, cosmopolitan class, and high status (to know many languages). And lots of foreign know English anyway, so you’ll be able to talk to them. • Being the sharp opportunist he is, Mr. Red actually uses girls’ broken English to make himself look better! • He jokes about their accents, tells them naughty words, asks them funny questions to see if they understand. What Mr. Red is doing is BUILDING HIGHER VALUE by making himself look witty, sharp, and funny. • ACCENTS are a great way to demonstrate higher value • Use your accent to full effect: especially if you have a European or Latino accent, girls will love to hear it! • Americans and Canadians: girls abroad do enjoy the North American accents! They’ll especially want to know more about living in big countries like the States and Canada, so Mr. Red is sure to talk enthusiastically about his land and lifestyle. He doesn’t put down his own country; in fact, he talks with energy and pride, so people feel his enthusiasm and want to join him there. • Make sure to get girls' e-mails. Joke that you're a part-time tour operator, and you give great tours of everything: easy way to have them visit (and get some nookie) What Mr. Red Does In His Home Country... • Mr. Red knows to talk about his experiences abroad with equal pride and fascination. • Travel is an easy topic of conversation that fascinates women! • He knows that girls love a good story-teller, so he’s sure to have some funny, entertaining stories immediately ready to tell. • Additionally, Mr. Red talks about how the travel changed him—which travel so often does—and fascinates the girl with accounts of the beauties of traveling. Girls are fascinated, and he always makes them curious for more. • By traveling abroad, he gets girls at home! Which is no surprise, really. As George Moore once said, “A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.”
Recommended Resources: How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes Sex in America, by Robert T. Micheal, John H. Gagnon, Edward O. Laumann Let's Go or Lonely Planet tour books!!!
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5. Always Be in Control GOAL: Develop control over your emotions and your situations so that women become irresistibly drawn to you, and you can master any situation. "Rule your mind, or it will rule you." -Epictetus Control is essential. It is the alpha and the omega of inner game, the WAY to getting the girls you adore. Whether it’s before, during, or after a relationship, it’s something you need to have. With control, you can do anything with women: approach them, converse with them, have a special relationship, have intimate contact. It moves you forward, gives you the confidence you need to achieve your objectives—and the strength to overcome failure and rejection. Some guys can never get over a break-up or mistake, but with an internal sense of control, you can. In short, having control means heading up and moving forward. Not having control means you don’t move forward. Only backwards. You don’t rise up; you only fall down. So decide in what direction you want to go. But what does it mean to have control? How does this apply to the dating game? Let’s review the lessons of our first lesson: The Three C’s of relationships 1 Confidence 2 Competence 3 Control Control in the Approach: 1 Acting relaxed--walking slowly, hands by your side, steady eye contact 2 Loose, confident, upright body language 3 Feeling comfortable 4 Handling rejection 5 Controlling fear and anger 6 Not losing control to alcohol 7 Help make decisions FOR women! Show that YOU control the situation. "As a practice always help your woman make decisions by giving her your perspective and telling her your choices, while letting her know that you love her regardless of the decision she makes. Often her feminine feelings will be a much better basis for a decision than your masculine analysis. So, encourage her to feel into the situation and trust her feelings. BUT, for the sake of polarity and happiness in intimacy, always tell her what YOU would do and why, even if you think she should make her own decision." [emphasis added] -The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida
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Control DURING a relationship 1 Firm in his decisions; does not hesitate; decisive. "If she asks you which shoes you think look better on her, make a decision, and tell her. Don't say, 'They're both nice.' Say something like, 'I like red shoes, but what's the most important to me is that you're happy.'...Offering your perspective on decisions is one way to give your masculine gift." -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man 2 Controls his anger and suspicions; only accuses when he has proof 3 Talks with respect to girlfriend; does not let insecurities rule his actions 4 Does not let women get away with disrespectful behavior; stands up for himself and calls girlfriend/wife out "You should always listen to your women, and then make your own decision. If you choose to go with your woman's decision even when deep in your heart you feel that another decision is more wise, you are, in effect, saying, 'I don't trust my own wisdom.' You are weakening yourself by telling yourself this. You are weakening your woman's trust in you: why should she trust your wisdom if you don't?" -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man Control AFTER a relationship 1 Ability to move on after a break-up 2 DON’T say nasty things about past girlfriends to present ones 3 Talks with respect about past girlfriends 4 Acceptance that relationship wasn’t meant to be, and a determination to continue on one’s path Control on the First Date 1 Doesn’t worry about what to say 2 Knows where and when to make date, without hesitation 3 HE picks place, not girl 4 Having a plan B, even a Plan C, if reservations fall through 5 Feels comfortable notching up physical attraction Control With Other People 1 Confidence with yourself; not bowing down to other people 2 Pausing--"vocal celibacy" (see lesson on body language) 3 Not losing control to anger, alcohol, or fear 4 Living life with purpose and direction 5 Talking only to girls who interest you; not just any girl Control During Sex 1. Acts like it’s natural; makes a girl feel comfortable 1) 2. Ready for anything—including hesitation and last-minute resistance 2) 3. Able to compose and maintain himself during intimacy - 46 -
BONUS Dr. Alex Benzer's Six Rules of Attitude: 1. I will not give excess importance to what someone else thinks or says. 2. I will cue my behavior to what she does, not what she says. 3. I am the only person allowed to declare me a failure, and I refuse to do so. 4. I'm not attached to any particular result, so I will tease and play with her just for fun. 5. I will positively reinforce the behaviors that I like in other people and neglect the behaviors that I don't like. 6. I will always leave her wanting more. EXERCISE: Which emotions do you need greater control over? Fear, anger, feelings of inferiority, addiction? Conquer these problems by stating affirmatively, "I am more powerful than my emotions. I will not be ruled by _______" at the start and end of every day. Do you project higher or lower status to women? Do you bow down to women, or let them bow down to you? In what ways do you project higher value to girls? In what ways do you think you could? (Consult Lesson 13 on Projecting Value for answers!) Do you have a purpose in life, or do you walk through life with no direction? What are some ways to control the way your date goes? How can you control how your relationship goes? How can you change your attitude towards a breakup? What makes a guy in control of sex? Conquer your problems with sex, again, by stating, "I am in control during sex. Women are attracted to me and enjoy my intimacy." If you say it enough, it will become true. Act the part by believing in yourself. Recommended Resources "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," by Susan A. Jeffers "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work," by Ariel & Shya Kane "Working on Your Relationships Doesn't Work," by Ariel & Shya Kane "Anxiety Zapper," by Alexandra Mannock
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6.
Gaining Attention
GOAL: Learning how to successfully get a women's attention and interest Lots of guys go about getting female attention in entirely wrong ways. Let’s see what DOESN’T work: • •
• • •
•
Mr. Pink is too shy; he waits for girls to come to him instead of going out and getting their attention himself. Mr. White is always on the hunt for “The One”, so he doesn’t try to get the attention of other girls who might be good for him. He limits himself to one woman, and that never works. Variety, and using one woman to attract other women, are the keys to attracting women. Mr. Brown tries the same old ways to get girls’ attention; he never tries anything new, and repeatedly fails. Sometimes you have to try new techniques and approaches, but Mr. Brown refuses. Mr. Yellow is afraid of rejection, so he tries not to get too much attention. He hopes girls will just come to him. But we know how well that line of thought works! Mr. Blue is okay at getting attention, but when his efforts don’t work he gets grumpy and negative, preventing himself from landing other gals. He forgets that attitude is very much an attention-getter. If you send positive energy and positive vibes, people will gravitate around you. Unfortunately, Mr. Blue sends negative energy and negative vibes, repelling women further away. Mr. Orange’s idea of getting girls’ attention is to posture himself as the Alpha Male of the group, which can often work well. But his drunken, loutish behavior drives them away more than it pulls them in.
Mr. Red doesn’t let his moods or emotions get the better of him. He knows that to get female attention, you have to be positive, even in the face of rejection or worse. There are 5 great ways he knows how to get attention, including: 1-Building Status (ie, Give Girls What They Want!) 2-Physical Well-Being 3-Wearing Great Clothes and Styles 4-Peacocking 5-Energy, and 6-Social Proof The first great way to attract women's attention is to follow the evolutionary instincts that are programmed into their brains. What do women instinctually search for in men? There's five things: * Status - 48 -
* * * * *
Body positioning Financial Resources Educational Level Physical Aptitude (Height, Muscles, etc.) Ambition
Okay, so educational level and ambition take some time to show to a woman; you actually have to talk to her for her to get to know those things. Financial resources aren't available to every guy, and are very shallow in attracting women. Think about they type of women you really want to attract--and for that I recommend my lesson on CHOICE--before you go out and spend thousands of dollars on a Gucci watch or hot sports car. Women are attracted to money, but if you make your possessions your only means of attracting them, two things happen: 1-Women see that you are insecure in yourself; that you need money to prove your worth. They see that YOU yourself are not a catch; only your personal possessions are impressive. 2-The type of women who DO chase men with money, generally aren't high quality. They'll suck you dry, and not love you for you. They'll love you for your wealth. Is that the kind of woman you want to attract? So we have to look at ways to attract the women you want, as quick as possible, without having to approach her and engage in conversation? This is where status and physical aptitude come in very handy. 1. Status. • Girls want to know the guy they're talking to is of higher status than them. • Main reason is because men with status can protect and provide for his wife and his children. • A man with status provides a comfortable living style for the woman, and gives hope of a better future. Think of all the girls who make peanuts for salary, who live in the rough part of town, who dream of escaping their present conditions. A man with status has the power and the resources to whisk her away to a better life. • But do you need to be the President of the United States to have high status? Hell no! As Dr. Alex Benzer writes in The Tao of Dating, "You can either have the real determinants of social status--power, wealth, and looks--or you can successfully convey the indicators of status. For men, some of these are relaxed body language, deep tone of voice, measured pace of speech, economy of movement, wit, and general excellence." • In other words, you don't have to be of high status--you just have to high status indicators. Throughout this course, you'll be learning how to use - 49 -
your body language, tonality of voice, and movements around an area to convey that you are a high status CATCH. 2. Physical Aptitude. • Did you know that a man who is in good shape and good health, releases pheromones from his immune system? • These chemical pheromones catch a woman's attention by subconsciously letting her know that you are healthy and strong, and can pass on good genes to her children. She may not think "This guy will make me strong babies," but it's what's going through her mind. • Never forget that, even if she's looking for a one-night shag, women are ALWAYS thinking about what kind of father and husband you could be. By staying in good shape and eating well, women will notice you, and think highly of you. • What do I recommend? Eat well. Stay away from drugs, junk food, and other body pollutants. • The less crap you have coming into your body, the stronger and more immune your body will become. That means women will notice you more. • They want a guy who will always be ready, and ABLE, to protect and provide for her. Think about it: What should women want more, a guy who's pale, out of shape, always sick, scrawny, who can't even defend himself if danger comes near...or a guy whose skin looks healthy, is trim and muscular, has a healthy immune system, and has the strength and energy to kick butt if his family is ever threatened? • You can't blame women for wanting guys who are muscular and tall; this is a sign, to them, that the man will be able to defend his partner and their children. 3. Syle and Presentation • When it comes to spotting top brands--and bottom ones--women have the eyes of an eagle. • Relationship expert and motivational coach, Marie Forleo, recommends wearing great shoes because, as she admits, she's approached men herself just because she loved their shoe sense! • To learn more about what to wear, definitely check out my lesson in Decision Point 2, "How do I want to present myself?" 4. PEACOCKING. • Only for men who can make fools of themselves with confidence and enjoy getting EVERYONE'S attention! • Basically, dress up in the most ridiculous and outlandish get-up you can think of. • Whether it's a space suit and a fedora with 6-inch platform shoes, or a - 50 -
• • • •
red polyester suit with ski goggles, Mystery advocates it all. The idea is that girls will instantly be curious, and instead of having to go to them, THEY'LL come to you. Curiosity takes effect. Part of David DeAngelo's maxim, "Be different in an attractive way." Sets you apart from 99% of the other guys out there Instant attention; many times girls will approach you!
5. ENERGY. • Girls love guys who bring excitement like they've never seen before, whether it's in the club...or in the bedroom. • If you're bursting with energy, bursting with optimism and hope, girls will just be mesmerized by you. • A simple SMILE communicates excitement and will catch a girl's attention effectively • Key principle: Enthusiasm is contagious 6. SOCIAL PROOF. • Make yourself the center of attention • Position yourself in the center of a room, and at the center of a group (see Notes on Body Language and Spatial Positioning) • Calm, collected body language and enthusiastic talk • If you can get a female friend, even a sister, to come out with you, DO IT • NOTHING validates and catches a girl's trust and attention more than seeing other females with you. The hotter, the better POWER QUOTES: “It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart.” “The successful person places more attention on doing the right thing rather than doing things right.” -Peter F. Drucker Recommended Resources The Venusian Arts Handbook, by Erik von Markovic (aka Mystery) Double Your Dating, by David DeAngelo The Art of Approaching, by Joseph Matthews Secrets to Becoming the Alpha Male, by Carlos Xuma
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7. Making Dynamite Impressions GOAL: Discover the 5 emotions you need to stir in women to create surefire impressions that will make them want YOU • •
They say first impressions count…and they’re right. The first 90 seconds count for 90% of people's impressions, according to R.Don Steele in "Body Language Secrets." So it pays to make quick favorable impressions when first meeting a girl-and her group of friends, who often play a bigger part in a girl's decision than your target herself.
•
Here’s Doctor Red’s 7-step prescription for making great impressions: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
• • •
Give Her Something to Remember You By Show a Love for Yourself Show You Understand Her Make Her Laugh Be A Sociable, Fun-Loving Guy Leave Her Wanting More, and SHOW YOUR TALENT
1. Give Her Something to Remember You By If you want a girl to remember you, you’ve gotta do something different. As David DeAngelo says, "Be different in an attractive way." Attraction is based on EMOTIONS, so you have to break a girl's state in order to create emotions. Show her something different, and her body will chemically react to it; it will be a shock to the system. When a girl is attracted, it's literally a chemical reaction to you. Mr. Red knows…he’s gotta do something she’s never seen before, and never WILL forget.
I'll give you an example. I know this guy, Dave, who meets girls. And Dave's not very good looking. Messy hair, pale skin, a bit of a beer belly, and he's only about 5'8". The way Mr. Red does this is by “breaking her state”. That is, he does something she didn’t see coming, which gives her the emotion of surprise. SURPRISE is an amazing emotion to give girls. When you do something they didn’t expect, especially something funny or unusual, you’re giving women MEMORIES linked directly to YOU. Her brain will chemically process you in her memory, and good or bad, the fact that she’s got a chemical impression of you that separates you from everyone else—that’s a good thing! Let’s look at an example of something Mr. Red does to surprise a girl no matter - 52 -
where he meets here. Say, for argument’s sake, he’s at a bar: he wants to talk to a girl at a table. What does he do? Use the standard, recycled pickup lines? Try to buy her a drink? Give her a compliment? Nah, those are all approaches she’s expecting. There’s no surprise involved, no emotional rollercoaster. ATTRACTION IN ACTION But what happens if Mr. Red does something unconventional? Say he goes up to a girl and challenges her immediately to a game of thumb wars. Or says, “Hey, I’d like to get to know you, but I can’t talk to you until you’ve guessed the secret word?” This is probably something she hasn’t seen before, and she’s faced with a guy who’s confident enough to ask her something like that, and obviously a funny guy, at that. The thumb wars approach—going up to a girl, saying nothing but extending your hand in the thumb wars gesture—is also a classic that will certainly surprise the girl and make her laugh, as well as participate. Just like that Mr. Red has made an impression as a guy who’s different and entertaining. 2. Show a Love for Yourself If you want her to be impressed, show that you’re impressed with yourself: Show a belief, a comfort, a CONFIDENCE in yourself. That’s what Mr. Red does. He makes it clear to the girl, by not putting himself down and building himself UP, that he loves himself and will continue to do so regardless of whether the girl is interested in himself. Too many guys make a girl feel that if she doesn’t accept him, they’ll be disappointed in themselves and hate themselves for losing her. Mr. Red exudes a carefree attitude that says, “Hey, I’m into you, but if you’re not into me, life goes on. I’ll still be the same great person.” This leaves her with the emotion of calmness; she knows she’s not with a guy who’s insecure and sensitive. She’s with a MAN, a man who takes care of himself and rebounds from rejection. The fact that he doesn’t need her…makes HER want him more! 3. Show You Understand Her • But it’s not just names that count (although it generally DOES help to remember the girl’s first name!): remembering interesting facts and stories she told you goes a loooong way towards impressing. • It gives her the emotion of FEELING IMPORTANT, and if you give her that, you’re definitely doing well. Nothing quite validates like listening and compassion. Mr. Red is neither a suck-up or rude; he simply listens to a girl, and makes her feel understood. He knows that women, with superior communication skills to men, NEED to be heard out, so he does just that. He listens to them, and shows an understanding of them. One of the best things he does is say how impressed HE was by something she - 53 -
said; this makes her feel validated and special, and she’ll tie those emotions to YOU. Check out on my lesson on Listening to hear more about how to make a girl feel important. Mr. Red knows that a woman never forgets him if he listens well; and the way she DOES remember him has nothing to do with his looks or money—it’s connected to how he made her feel. As someone once said, “Whatever makes an impression on the heart seems lovely in the eye.” 4. Make Her Laugh • Make her laugh, show her a good time. • In my lesson on humor you'll learn specific ways to entertain a woman with humor. • Mr. Red makes sure that at some point he tells the girl at least one funny story, and teases her about something. • Teasing makes impressions because it gives her the emotion of surprise; most women don’t expect a guy to have the balls to put her in her place, so any guy that does instantly creates a CHEMICAL ATTRACTION. • It's true: Nothing works quite like the emotion of humor; it releases endorphins and chemically improves a girl's mood. And when a girl's mood is lifted in YOUR presence, she'll forever associate that happiness with you. Humor, as you will learn, is a POWERFUL aphrodisiac! 5. Be a Sociable, Fun-Loving Guy • Girls are drawn to sociable, fun-loving guys. • This DOESN'T mean that we need to be the high-school jock or the hit of the party for girls to like us. While this doesn't hurt, that's not all at the only way to make impressions on high-quality girls. • In fact, there are a lot of simple things you can do that will impress women a lot more than the arrogant, insecure behavior of the alpha male jocks. Here are some simple but very effective techniques: 1. Throw parties. Nothing says you love fun and enjoy people more than inviting every over for a party. It also gives you CONTROL and POWER by making you the master of the social environment. People look up to YOU when you are the host. 2. Invite people out. Likewise, be the guy who invites people over to his house or out to the bars. Be known as an exciting, thrill-a-minute guy who's always down for a little fun. Don't be afraid to announce to a group, "Hey, we're doing to such and such a bar, come with us!" If other people are going with you, believe me, women will feel the pressures of social proof to come along with you. And along the way, they'll be impressed by your popularity. Next, - 54 -
3. Smile! Yup, nothing says you're enjoying other's company MORE than a smile. You can be a fun guy, but girls won't know it if you look uneasy or never smile. Consult my lesson on Body Language to learn lots more about the seductive power of a SMILE. 4. REMEMBER PEOPLE'S NAMES. What's in a name? A lot more than you think. “If you want to win friends, make it a point to remember them. If you remember my name, you pay me a subtle compliment; you indicate that I have made an impression on you. Remember my name and you add to my feeling of importance.” -Dale Carnegie • • •
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People are magnetically drawn to those who remember their name. I know from my experience that I enjoy the company of someone who says, "Hey, James, how you doin'?" a lot more than the guy or girl who says, "What's up?" It's a lot more personal, and creates emotions and memories of people where not using one's name doesn't. If you truly want to make an impression, remember the name of the girl you're after--AND the names of her friends. Be cordial, personal, act like you've been friends for years...and people will treat you just like that. A simple, "Man, your friend JESSIE is crazy!" to her friends will make Jessie yours. Because when you use people's names, girls will be a lot more open to inviting you into their worlds.
Naturally, some rules apply: • Don't go out of your way to know people's names. • Just act cool and relaxed. If you act desperate and over-anxious to know a girl's name, she'll be turned off in a hurry. • Just talk with the slow voice and calm tone of a surfer or skater: "Hey, how's it goin'. What's your name?" • It works MAGIC, and shows that you don't NEED to know her name to have a good time. You know LOTS of people, so if she can't be bothered to tell you her name, no loss. 5. Ask people how they're doing! • This is a wonderful way of impressing a girl and her friends. • Ask them, sincerely, how they're doing--and again, USE THEIR NAMES WHEN ASKING. • A simple, genuine, "Hey Lisa, how YOU doin'?" can create butterflies in girls' stomachs. It sounds like you really care, like you really KNOW the girl, and as you know, women are all about emotional connections, relationships, friendships. • Act like the friend who cares about her welfare, and she'll be sure to become more than "just friends"... - 55 -
6. Follow the Tao of Steve. This is a great movie, and a great technique. It summarizes a lot of the lessons you've learned so far into one simple method: 1-Eliminate your desires. That is, show a woman a man who doesn't need her in the sack, and she'll be instantly drawn to you. She'll be curious--"What's up with this guy? He doesn't seem to need me..." 2-Do something excellent in her presence, thereby proving your sexual worthiness. •
This is a big one. Show a talent and a woman will forever be drawn to you.
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Show her a card trick, or some crazy thing you can do with your elbow because you're double-jointed.
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It doesn't have to be big; even something like being able to touch your nose with your tongue can stimulate interest (in more ways than one!).
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All you have to do is make sure you show a girl you're worthy.
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So think about something you can do that's interesting, then when the time is right--usually a lull in conversation--ask a girl if she wants to see something cool. Make her curious for it before you just ruin the surprise and do it.
ATTRACTION IN ACTION Say, "Hey, wanna see something cool?" She'll say, "Sure." Then you can tease-further showing your worthiness--by saying, "Well, you'll just have to wait." Let her plead for a while, then show it to her--slowly. "Weeeeeeell, all right, since you've been good." If she's been bad, say, "Sorry, you've been bad. Can't show you my trick anymore. Such a shame, because it's really cool." When you finally do show it, do it with flair and pizzazz. •
Girls love an entertainer. Just look at David Copperfield! And he's not even a very good-looking guy, yet he got Claudia Schiffer. Not bad, but hardly a surprise: he has talent!
3-Retreat, for as Heidegger said, "We pursue that which retreats from us." When you show a woman you're not easy, that she has to "catch" you, you drive her emotions wild. A guy who has the restraint, independence, and confidence to leave just when things are getting good, impresses the hell out of women. So that leads us to the final way of making impressions:
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7. Leave Her Wanting More • The last, and most important, emotion you want to leave the girl with is CURIOSITY. • Even better is SUSPENSE: make her just dying to see what else you have to offer. • Just when things are looking good, tell her you have to leave. • Don’t wait till the moment has passed; leave when the moment is there, when that magic has just sparked. • That way she’ll remember you for a great time, not the boredom and awkwardness that come after it. She’ll want more, because her brain will link past pleasure to future pleasure. • Remember, as the philosopher Heideger once said, "We pursue that which retreats from us." • • •
Additionally, SECRETS are an awesome way to stimulate curiosity and suspense. When it comes to learning the deep, untold secrets of people, women are drawn to them like a mouse to cheese. Women LOVE to learn secrets. If you can make yourself seem mysterious, full of secrets, then you’re in; you’re practically FORCING her to see you again!
QUOTABLE QUOTE "The more natural and relaxed you are, the more natural and relaxed the right woman will feel around you, the more she will want to be with you, until she can’t live without you!” -Barbara De Angelis in her excellent book, “The Real rules”: ATTRACTION IN ACTION When you’re talking to a girl one-on-one, say something like, “Mmmm, it’s too bad I have to go, I was gonna tell you something nobody else knows…” or, “Hey, wanna know something cool I did?” She’ll say yes. “Well, sorry, you’ll have to wait til next time. I gotta go. It’s too bad, too, it’s really interesting.” This is a great way of teasing her, lowering her value, and raising yours, all in one. Girls hate suspense, so she’ll be likely to want to see you as soon as possible! In fact, you can use this for when you arrange a first date: When you call her up, say, “Hey, so I bet you really want to hear my secret. Guess we’ll have to meet up soon to end your suspense.” Then lead her on during the whole date…I’ve done this before and my night ended with me scoring. It’s guaranteed to work, so try it! Recommended Resources "Double Your Dating," by David DeAngelo "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer - 57 -
"The Way of the Superior Man," by David Deida "Venusian Arts Handbook," by Mystery Along with these techniques, consult the lessons on "Humor," "Body Language," and "Understanding Women" to discover what you need to know about what women want.
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8.
Living in the Moment
GOAL: To take life less seriously, and enjoy whatever happens. You're going to achieve success with women by overcoming thoughts of the past and future, and embracing today.
How to Live in The Moment: •
Commit yourself to being happy with who you are. Mr. Red knows that if you can't live with yourself, you can't live with other people; you can't ENJOY THE CIRCUMSTANCES. You become a Mr. Blue: always finding faults and flaws with people, and nobody--especially girls---enjoys that kind of person. As Dr. Alex Benzer, author of "The Tao of Dating," writes, "Make a decision right now to be comfortable in your own skin and to accept yourself completely exactly as you are right now. Now is the only time. And true fulfillment can only come from sharing your joy, contentment, and self-sufficiency with the rest of the world." And the time to do that, is right now.
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Use your own techniques and talk; speak from within. Mr. Orange makes the mistake of using tips, tricks, and pickup lines somebody ELSE made to try to pick up women. But not Mr. Red. Mr. Red knows that the only style of picking up women that will work is the style you make your own; the style you personalize to yourself and who you want to be. Like Bruce Lee, famous for using a synergy of unique fighting style, MR. Red does not just use one style, but many. Relationship expert, Carlos Xuma, says, "“Build a house that is suitable for YOUR personality…you’re gonna have your own style…pull it all together. Create not a style, but a philosophy…Everything you can use until you find what works best for your foundation.”
Got that? Do not be someone else; be yourself. Do not limit yourself to one style; use many. And do not dwell on the past; use the techniques I listed above to immerse yourself in the moment and be a lively part of every situation. As Chris Cobbs said: “The past is never there when you try to go back. It exists, but only in memory. To pretend otherwise is to invite a mess.” •
Notice what's going on. Take a moment, even a break from the conversation, to observe what's going on. Successful pick-up artists and "in" people do this all the time. They lean back, away from people (subtly suggesting that they're above it all), and take in the scene. When they do comment, it's usually something really good, because they've taken the time to observe the scene and pick up something funny or interesting that others, who don't live in the moment, miss.
Let's see what's the WRONG way to handle the moment... - 59 -
• • • • •
The problem Mr. Yellow and Mr. Pink make is that they live in their emotions too much. Mr. Yellow has so much fear and insecurity that it all gets in the way of him enjoying the present. Mr. White, or "Mr. Oneitis," lives in the past and obsesses over his past girlfriends. Then there's Mr. Blue, who only sees the stuff that's WRONG in the present, instead of the right. He needs a major attitude adjustment to notice the good, fun, and provocative things that are going on. Meanwhile, Mr. Brown just enjoys talking about himself that he doesn't notice girls rolling their eyes and moving away from him! Finally, Mr. Orange makes the mistake of living in the present a bit too much...with alcohol! He gets too drunk to notice much of anything, and works so hard on being who he THINKS women want that he doesn't get to see that all they want is someone who's an honest, stand-up guy. He lives too much for the future, the "getting laid" part. But that never happens because he misses out on the little signals like body language that girls are constantly sending.
Remember, if you're always living for tomorrow or yesterday, how can you enjoy today? EXERCISE Go into the closest room and try to notice 5 unique things to talk about. It could be something interesting, something funny, something unusual. Write these five down and describe each. Practice talking about them. This helps you notice things, live in the present, and develop your story-telling capabilities. POWER QUOTES "Light tomorrow with today!" -Elizabeth Barrett Browning "Love the moment and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries." -Corita Kent "You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time." -Charles F KetteringRecommended Resources: The Tao of Dating, by Dr. Alex Benzer Working on Yourself Doesn't Work, by Ariel and Shya Kane Unlimited Power, by Anthony Robbins - 60 -
9.
Knowing What To Say
GOAL: Never lacking for things to say--and knowing what NOT to say. Know how to speak with eloquence and effect.
1. DO'S OF CONVERSATION: 5 Great Topics of Conversation: 1. Your dreams. Without exaggerating, let the girl know that you have dreams for a better future. Don’t make them up; be honest. If your dream is nothing more than to settle into a nice house with a good dog in the suburbs, tell her that. But do it with a passion; let her know that you’re a PASSIONATE PERSON. As I described with life purpose, girls LOVE to go on adventures. If you let her know that you’re on one, she’ll want to come along for the ride! 2. Funny stories. Rather than talking all about yourself, present something interesting in the form of a story. Ask your date, “Would you like to hear something funny?” Of course she will. So tell her, but present it in a humorous way. Humor is such a great aphrodisiac. It’s been proven to be tops on things girls want in a guy. So give it to them! 3. Her. Yup, can’t emphasize enough how important it is to LISTEN to a girl. Women LOVE to talk about themselves, so ask questions about HER dreams and HER goals. She’ll become a lot more interested in you if you show that you’re interested, and actively listen. Check out my lesson on listening, and the Members Area notes, too. 4. Travel and Languages. Easy, easy topics. Talk about where you've been. Tell her where you plan to go. Travel is a sign of STATUS, as is knowing another language. This is such a great way to enter a group. I love this conversation starter: "Did you know that the Spanish Tell her you've been to a country where you can speak the language, or even better, where you've lived before. I always tell a girl I've lived in Spain (which I have) and throw out a few fancy words. This impresses the hell out of them. A guy who's well-traveled shows that he has the money, and the status. Two for the price of one. On top of that, talking about travel is an EASY topic that girls enjoy. If you haven't traveled at all, avoid it, but even if you've only been to a few countries, mention them. You can escalate the conversation with a few romantic words or a description of the fantastic moonlight on a starlit beach somewhere. Girls LOVE the sappy, romantic stuff that foreign locations afford. For more information on this, check out my lesson on The Power of Travel, in this unit. Also check out the Members Area notes for great information. 5. Last but not least, sex. No, you don’t want to talk directly about how much you love it, or about how great sex was with your last partner (ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS a no-no!), but sexual innuendo is GREAT. As relationship guru brilliantly says, “TALKING about sex is the first step towards having it.” Ask her if she’s a bad girl, or what’s the craziest thing she’s ever done in her - 61 -
life—with a bit of innuendo added into your voice. She’ll know what you mean, and get excited thinking about it. Don't be afraid to broach this important subject. Girls respect guys who aren't afraid to talk sexy!
2. DON'TS OF CONVERSATION: Here are six things you really don't want to talk about: 1. Offensive humor 2. Politics 3. Past girlfriends 4. Inside jokes between you and your friends 5. Anything that could be interpreted as geeky or dorky, such as science-fiction 6. All the great stuff you have
3. How to Talk About Yourself Finally, let's discuss some great WAYS to talk about yourself. I have seven. 1. Speak with conviction. Don't say something about how great snowboarding is when you're mumbling and looking down at the floor. Practice good posture: back up, chest out, use body language to show enthusiasm, and speak in a level, enthusiastic way. Enthusiasm is contagious, so if you speak with energy, people will follow you. 2. Secondly, be positive. Never put yourself OR others down. The common mistake Mr. Blue makes is to speak negatively about everyone and everything-including himself. How's that supposed to help his case? Julia Cameron puts it best: "What we focus on, we empower and enlarge. Good multiplies when focused upon. Negativity multiplies when focused upon. The choice is ours: Which do we want more of?" As I teach in my lessons on Attitude, Negative thoughts breed negative results. But positive thoughts breed positive results. Or, to put it another way, open minds...open doors. Just by adopting an open, optimistic attitude, you can invite women into your world. So forget the bad stuff! Even if you're scared, even if you're grumpy, project only the good traits. Good results will reward you. 3. Use humor. You can listen to my lesson on humor for great ways to use humor to interest a girl. Its power is awesome in seducing and conversing alike. It's also a great way of removing your doubts and enjoying your time with a girl more. As David Icke suggests, "The best way of removing negativity is to laugh and be joyous." 4. Take note of your tonality. • Slow, relaxed, steady voice instead of quick, anxious, hyper voice • Don't rush to interrupt people • Slow talk for confidential, emotional talk; quick, excited talk for the - 62 -
"you gotta hear this" ending 5. The Big T: TEASE. In the audio lesson I talked about the importance of teasing. In the end, girls respond just as well to teasing now as they did in kindergarten. Bring out their childish side, have some fun, put them down...they'll love you for it. Let's look at some specific ways to tease a girl. a. In the middle of a girl yapping away, interrupt and say, "You know, you look so attractive with that piece of spinach stuck in your teeth." This will embarrass her greatly. She'll probably say, "Oh my God, how embarrassing and go for a mirror." Watch her freak out, then say, "Ha, gotcha! Nothing between your teeth. But it was really cute to see you freak out like that. What, were you afraid I wouldn't like you anymore?" b. Go up to a girl and introduce yourself. When she goes to shake your hands, lightly slap them and say, "Tag. You're it!" with a big grin. c. For the more serious, stuck-up girls who don't respond to your advances, ask her friends, "Boy, is she always like this? She looks like she just saw Gigli or something. Well, I guess I'd be pretty pissed off too if I paid $10 to see that movie." d. For the noisy, look-at-me primadonnas, say to her friends (or if you're alone, to her), "Man, is she always like this? How the hell do you guys deal with this girl?" e. Tell her you have something really important to tell her. • Make her wait more and more; keep her in suspense. ATTRACTION IN ACTION Every time she asks what the surprise is, tell her, "I can't tell you right now." If she keeps asking, slap her lightly on the wrist or shoulder and say, "Stop it, you're annoying me!" with a grin. Finally, when she's dying to know what you have to say, tell her, "Okay! Okay! Just to make you quiet." (this way it doesn't look like you're submitting to her; you're just annoyed) "Here's my secret. Ready?" "Okay, here goes. My secret is........I'm a closet heterosexual. There, I've said it! I'm out of the closet!" "I've never been able to tell anyone, but...I like women. You're the first to hear that. Please don't tell all your friends my secret!" This accomplishes two things: 1. It's funny, and allows you to bust her balls (the power of teasing!) 2. You can then make it serious and tell her, "You're the first girl to get me - 63 -
over my man-loving ways. I guess you're used to making gay men straight." Up the attraction meter, just like that! f. Tease! YOU: "Hey, that's a nice perfume you're wearing." GIRL: "Really?" YOU: "Yeah, smells just like cabbage and broccoli. Love it!" 6. Remember the golden rule of silence: that SILENCE IS GOLDEN! It's okay to take a break and just listen sometimes. In fact, it's EMPOWERING: silence shows that you're not afraid to listen to other points of views. It also creates suspense in people, waiting for you to say what's next. People do not react very well when there's silence; girls especially are so used to immediate chatter. So not talking immediately--that's control! Carlos Xuma, author of "Dating Dynamics," explains that "Not answering is gaining control; answering our phone on the person anxiously gives UP control." So, don't rush to answer or comment; pause, as if you've seriously given thought. I know so many people who do this, and it really does create control. Making a person wait for your response gives you SO much control; it's subtly saying that you're more important and you'll do things in your own time. Women LOVE this. They love a guy who shows dominance, and silence IS dominance. Practice active listening: show you're interested by nodding your head, maintaining eye contact, and seeming interested. Listening goes a long way towards upping the attraction meter. Check out my lesson on listening to find out exactly how to use listening to your seduction advantage! 7. Be choosy. If the girl doesn't seem like your type, if she's not interesting, don't waste your time with her! You don't have to talk to every girl. There are ones who are worth your time, and ones who are not. Don't waste your time with girls who don't fit your standards! It's very empowering to be able to walk away from a conversation, on to a girl who's actually interested in you. On top of that, the simple act of NOT TALKING to a woman, moving on, and talking to OTHER girls is an AWESOME way of creating interest. When you show an independence from women, your OWN self-centered universe, you create magnetism. Girls love a guy who's on a clear path that doesn't involve unacceptable behavior. Try it out and see just how attractive you become.
Great Resources on How to Talk Better 1. How to Make Anyone Fall In Love with You, by Leil Lowndes 2. How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes 3. Body Language, by Allan Pease 4. Double Your Dating, by David DeAngelo 5. Voice Power, by Renee Grant-Williams - 64 -
10. Body Tonality
Language,
Spatial
Positioning,
and
GOAL: To understand and put into practice effective body language, spatial positioning, and tonality techniques. Interesting Facts: • • •
People form 90% of their opinion about you in the first 90 seconds Communication is 60% nonverbal and 40% verbal. Of the verbal portion, only about 7% is accomplished by the words themselves! • The other 30% is done by how the words are spoken, inflection, and tone of voice • Nonverbal signs (eye contact, gestures, position relative to the speaker, etc.) have five times more impact than verbal signals! (source: Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship and Dating) ATTRACTION IN ACTION To start, I really like this advice from Leil Lowndes. She has a great system for using your body to soften your target's heart: It's called, none other than, SOFTEN. S is for SMILE. A smile makes you look fun and confident. O is for Open body. Face your target, nose to nose, belly to belly. Don't close or cross your arms; keep them open in a relaxed, inviting manner. F is for FORWARD lean. Don't lean back lean INTO your target. Stand or sit just a liiiittle too close, to show you are physically attracted. Believe me, she'll appreciate it. T is for touch. By "accident," gently touch your target's arm, neck, or a piece of lint on her clothing. Gliding past her when you go to get a drink, and lightly touching her back, is a great way to communicate confidence and interest. E is for eye contact. This CANNOT be emphasized enough. Love at first sight isn't just an expression: It can be a true, biological reality! According to Lowndes, "Why does eye contact have such fiery consequences?...Unrelenting eye contact creates a highly emotional state similar to fear. When you look directly and potently into someone's eyes, his or her body produces chemicals like phenyl ethylamine, or PEA, that jolts the sensation of being in love. Thus, making strong, almost threatening intense eye contact with your Quarry is one of the first steps in making hm or her fall in love with you." By gazing deeply into a girl's eyes, you give her the fear that she's not good enough; she becomes overwhelmed with fear, and stutters. And that means you've made a good - 65 -
impression. Awesome stuff. N is for nod. Listen to her responses; girls love to be heard. Nodding is a wonderful way of saying you understand what she's saying. A good listener DEFINITELY impresses women. Body Language Tips: * 10 signs a woman is into you She looks down when you see her and smiles–A very good sign. She’s shy but wants you to come over to talk to her. Nothing invites quite like a smile. She’s twirling her hair around–Definitely into you. Nervous and selfconscious in your presence. You're making a connection with her. Licks her lips–unless you can tell she’s screwing with you, this is a very good sign! Open legs–Open legs, open mind. She’s open to hearing more from you–and who knows what else. Sideways glance–The classic Hollywood flirtation, this is a coy, seductive way of showing her interest Fondling a cylindrical object (cigarette, glass, etc.)–VERY good sign! And a hint of what she may have in mind for later on in the evening… Fondling her shoe (shoe is slight off her foot, twisting her foot in circles)– This is that classic shy signal that girls use to display interest. The "leg twine"–one leg pressed hard against the other to give the appearance of high muscle tone–very good sign The head toss–If she tosses her hair back over her shoulders, this is definitely a good gesture. Exposed wrists–If she’s interested in you, she will gradually display the smooth, soft skin of her wrists to a guy she’s interested in. Wrists are actually considered one of the more erotic areas of the body–so if she’s showing you this sexual area–go for it! * 6 signs she's not interested--regroup and rethink! Not making eye contact with you—looking around, eyeing her friends, looking anywhere but at you Legs crossed—always a bad sign. This means she’s closing herself off to you - 66 -
Arms crossed—This can convey annoyance and impatience. Definitely a bad sign. Hands on her hips—This can also convey impatience. Not looking good. Leaning backwards—It’s much better when a woman is leaning towards you. If you notice her leaning away from you, keeping her distance, it means you’ve gotten too close for her comfort and she’s not that into you, at least at this point. A weak handshake—Do you shake a girl’s hands when you meet her? If you do and notice that hers is weak and she is quick to take back her hand, then she’s not very impressed. * 7 Great Ways to Flirt 1. The confident eye gaze This is how you start your interest. Nothing shows confidence off the bat like meeting a girl’s eyes, and KEEPING YOUR STARE. If you see her look down and smile, you know you’ve made it and the time to approach is now. If she looks away from you but doesn’t smile, give her a shot nonetheless; just the fact that she met your eyes for a second or two shows interest. In the end, though, this isn't a science; most of the time you'll be able to tell by whether she looks happy to see you, whether she likes you. 2. The Dale Head Drop So named after Dale, the master of getting women rushing to his side, just with a simple shrug! If you really want to blow away a girl–and show some balls– meet a girl’s eyes, then knowingly drop your head to the side, as if to say, "Hey, you know you want me. Come over here and get me!" I’ve found this to work incredibly well in foreign countries. In the States, the girls tend to be able to see through it a bit more–but it still works! 3. Smile! It’s often overlooked, but nothing communicates happiness, confidence, and interest in a girl all in one like a nice big smile. Show the girl you’re in control, show her you’re confident, show her you’re a fun guy to be around: brighten the place up with a big smile! And if your teeth need work, then get them fixed! It’s good not just for your chances of meeting a girl, but also for your health and appearance! 4. Open Body Language So many guys walk or sit with their arms crossed, their legs close together, and their faces anxious and flat. Stop that! Welcome a girl into your world: Have - 67 -
your arms open and leaned back, your legs open and relaxed, your face warm and inviting. You’ll not only attract yourself into a girl’s world, but also into the world of people at a party, club, or bar who can help you meet a future girlfriend–or even wife! 5. Lean in to her As you’re talking to a girl, especially while seated, show her your interest with confidence by leaning in closer. You don’t want to be a creep, of course, but you can generally tell by a girl’s body language and talk how interested she is in you. If things are looking good, show her your control of the situation–and interest in her–by leaning in and generally getting closer to her. Leaning back does the opposite; it shows you’re unconfident and not overly interested. Not what you want to communicate. 6. Thumbs in belt Ever put your thumbs in your belt, with your hands at your hips’ side? This is processed as a sign of being confident in one’s sexuality and size. So if you’re standing around at a bar or club and want to convey confidence, this will certainly be understood by girls! 7. Touch her! Yup, nothing gets you closer to a girl than physical touch. Great conversations and emotional/spiritual chemistry are great, but if you really want to take it to the next level, you’ll have to eventually show some balls and touch her. I’m not talking about grabbing her and making out (unless it really is going that well and she’s flirting out of control!), but doing little things: brushing your arm by her shoulders, lightly massaging her, leading her by the arm to another location in the place. By making a physical connection, you’re giving her a sign loud and clear that you’re confident in yourself and interested in her. Spatial Positioning Tips •
Make yourself the center of attention in a room.
"Position yourself as a center of influence - the one who knows the movers and shakers. People will respond to that, and you'll soon become what you project." -Bob Burg •
Avoid "wallflower" locations.
•
Sometimes going to one side where nobody else is draws attention to you. - 68 -
Vocal Exercises 1. Vocal Control Start humming. First, do it in a way that makes your lips vibrate. Then move it inside such that you are humming mostly from the mouth. Then move the humming sensation to the back of your throat. From there move it on down to the middle of the throat, and then your chest, and finally all the way down to your abdomen. Sitting up straight will help the resonance. Now that you have the humming coming all the way from the diaphragm, practice projecting your voice form there by reading the preceding paragraph. Practice it enough such that you are comfortably speaking this way regularly. 2. How to use pauses and tempo to make your speech almost hypnotic While you read a passage out loud, insert one pause per second. Make each pause for the count of one second by saying 'one one thousand' to yourself. Now read the paragraph again, this time inserting two pauses, each of them one second long. Then do it again, this time adding THREE pauses. Add to that the vocal resonance you practiced in Drill 1. Practice regularly such that speaking in a slow, measured manner becomes a habit. Start by doing it alone, then on the phone, then in everyday conversation. Notice how people respond to you differently. Recommended Reading: • Body Language, by Allan Pease • How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, by Leil Lowndes • The Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher • The Tao of Dating, by Dr. Alex Benzer • The Importance of Body Language, by Wes Mantooth • Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship and Dating, by R. Don Steele • http://www.learnbodylanguage.org/
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11. Approaching with Confidence GOAL: To FORM CONNECTIONS and BUILD EMOTIONS. Girls have seen it all; they know all the pick-up lines and all the obvious openers. Do something different that forms lasting impressions that make her want to see you again and again. Here are six of sure-fire ways to open up a conversation: 1. Use humor Great Humor Openers: •
"Excuse me, perhaps you can handle a little dispute my friend and I are having. Who do you think gets more ladies: Mini Me or Peter Dinklage(the short guy from The Station Agent)?"
•
"My friend over there has something REALLY big to tell you." "Ready? Ok, it's REALLY big news." Friend says: "Hi."
•
This actually got me the phone number of a really hot girl: Walk around with your legs jaunted, like a crab. Ask her, "Can you help me? I'm too short, I can't reach the bar. Could you please order a drink for me?" Not only will she laugh, but she'll actually go with you to the bar and get you a drink. You not only have her attention, but you also have her participation: win-win!
•
"Hey, what do you think of my friend here. He says he's not gay, but...c'mon! Look at his clothes, look at his perfect skin, his tan...to me, that spells G-A-Y!"
•
"Y'all look like Beyonce!"
2. Surprise her Great Surprise Openers: •
Go up to a girl and challenge her to a game of thumb wars or rockpaper-scissors
•
Instead of giving her a hand-shake, give her a high-five or "black power" fist and say "Respect."
•
Don't give the traditional responses to questions like, "How are you?" Instead, give one she'll remember for a really long time.
ATTRACTION IN ACTION Say you're at a clothing store and the cute clerk asks how you are. Most guys-and remember, you're no longer MOST GUYS--would say, "Fine, Okay, Good, - 70 -
thanks." Not you. You want to make the girl remember you for next time, so you say something like, "Well, I've had better days. It's not everyday you get flipped off by a midget." Naturally, this will require an explanation, so you can make up something funny. "Yeah, I was just walking down the street, and accidentally bumped into this guy because, well, he's a midget. I felt really bad and apologized, and all he did was grab and his crotch, lift it up, give me the finger and call me a Pino Fada. I looked up the meaning of Pino Fada and it means 'pine cone.' I'm still trying to get over the fact that I got called a pine cone by a midget. It's really weird." See how this would break a girl's routine? You've got a really easy opener to talk to a girl, and she's bound to ask you lots of questions. You get the chance to present yourself as a funny, unusual guy she'll never forget. And that's the most important thing: she'll never forget you. Forget looks, forget money. Those things come and go. But a guy who comes in and shares a story about getting called a Pino Fada by a midget? She'll never see one of you again. 3. Ask for Her Opinion on Something Here are some great questions you can ask: •
"I have a friend who thinks it's okay to date 2 girls at once, as long as neither of the relationships is serious. I tell him it's wrong, but he disagrees. What do you think of this?"
•
"If you could be any super-hero, who would it be?"
•
"I need your help with something. Before I get to know someone, I like to know her priorities. So, if you were cast on Survivor, and could only bring 3 valuables, what would they be?" Not only does this provide an interesting opening, but it empowers YOU: you say that you need to know what she's like before you can get to know her. Usually a WOMAN needs to know these things first, so you're taking that power out of her hands and into yours. It's subconscious to her, but it works; she feels like you're in control.
•
"I know I just met you, but where do you see yourself in five years? I'm just doing a survey of people, and most say, "married with kids." I just wanted to see if you were any different..."
4-Tell a story. Good story-telling is probably the best "in" to a group. If you can make up a good story, like, "Hey, did you see that crazy guy in here who was dancing around in his underwear?", or "Hey, have any of you ever heard of Celtic soulgazing?", then you should be in. You have to be convincing, and a good story- 71 -
teller, but it’s a great Entertainment=Results.
way
to
open up
the group
to
outsiders.
Great Story Openers: •
Ever heard of Celtic Soul Gazing?...
•
How many nines are there in 100? (Think about it...there's 9, 19, 29, 39, 49, 59, 69, 79, 89, 99...10! This is a great brain-teaser, and a great way to show higher value...You look smart for knowing the answer, and you can tease her mercilessly for NOT knowing the answer!)
Look around your surroundings; see if something entertaining is going on. Maybe there's a live band, and the drummer has a funny face. Or maybe something really interesting happened to you the other day. Tell her these things; girls LOVE to laugh and share! 5-Present Her With a Quiz. This is a wonderful technique for establishing EMOTIONAL RAPPORT with your "target." Women LOVE quizzes; there's something about the connections they bring that makes them just love a personality test or something of the sort. So go up to the group or isolated target and ask her if she would do a quiz for you. Just by giving a quiz you get emotions swirling in women, and that is an AWESOME thing. This is one quiz you can give: "How's it goin'? Look, I hate to bother you, but my friends over there keep arguing that this quiz they've done works. It's called 'the Sex in the City test.' Basically it says that every girl fits one of the personalities of the Sex in the City characters. So, have you seen Sex in the City?" "Okay, good. So before I get to know you better, I want to find out whether you're a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, or Miranda." Now, if this is in a group of 2 or more girls, talk to ANY GIRL OTHER THAN YOUR TARGET. You don't want to seem too interested. To any other girl: "I'd say you're a Carrie (or Charlotte, or Miranda--never say Samantha right away!)." She'll say, "Really?" And you say, "Yeah, because like Carrie, you're responsible, but fun, etc etc." Talk to your target last, and tease her a bit. "So I'm guessing you're a Samantha." She'll of course defend herself--but if she doesn't, and goes along with it, then that's DEFINITELY a good sign! In any event, tease her and say, "No, you're definitely a Samantha. You're fun but professional, daring but caring..." - 72 -
This is a great technique that I've only seen success with. For more great openers, I recommend the following e-books: Double Your Dating, by David DeAngelo The Art of Approaching, by Joseph Matthews How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes 6-Develop a secret, "inside" joke, handshake, or signal. •
Nothing rushes chemicals through a girl's brain faster than making an immediate rapport with a man
•
Excellent to have something personal between you and a group of people: An inside joke, a secret handshake or sign, a story only the two of you know.
•
With groups, try saying something to the group like, "Hey, yaw know, we need a secret handshake or something." Girls are all about making connections, so doing something that builds a strong foundation for friendship means guaranteed success.
•
Also use lots of WE statements. Just the simple word of "we" builds an instant bond that makes the girl feel like she's known you forever. That way she'll be more likely to want to see you again--you're already a pair!
•
Now, with advice questions, such as "Do you think a guy who’s traveling should be able to cheat on his girlfriend?", make sure you actually listen to and remember the advice girls give. This is when it's important, as I said in a previous lesson, to LIVE IN THE MOMENT. You want to keep your ears open because a girl might say something you can snatch up and spit back in her face, make her look ridiculous and raise your status in the process. For example, I remember once asking girls what they thought about having sex in public. Most of the group said the same thing, "Oh, that's disgusting, that's wrong, etc." but one girl mumbled, "Shhh, I did that, what's wrong with doing it outside?" Some men might have let that slip, but not me. I pounced on that girl--who was pretty hot--and said, "Excuse me? Did you say you do it all the time?" She had to defend herself to the group, and to me, and I made myself look pretty innocent. Before I knew it, the two of us were joking about it all night, and I constantly teased her, big time. I was BREAKING HER BALLS, which as you know is a great way to project higher value. But she loved it, we ended up making out, and it wasn't long before I got her in the sack. So these things work--if you live in the moment and catch them.
7. Act Like They Approached You! - 73 -
•
This means using the methods that guys normally use on girls, and turning them inside out.
•
One way way is to use your body. In my lesson on "Body Language," you learn all about the importance of positioning yourself effectively in a room. So with this method, you use your body to get close to a girl and act like she was hitting on you.
•
This is GREAT when you're at a crowded bar, club, or party.
•
Just position yourself near the girl you like and subtly back up to her. If she makes contact, pretend to be offended. Say, "Hey, no touching!" or "Hey, watch it, punk!" She might apologize, in which case you say, "Next time touch me a little higher," or, "Well, you should be sorry. My mother that if you want to touch someone," then grab her in surprise, "do it right." Do this with a devilish grin.
•
Basically, the point is to reverse things on her, a very powerful strategy. Do something that girls normally get annoyed at, such as being bumped into, touched, or ogled, and use it against the girl.
•
For example, if you see a girl's eyes staring in your direction--they don't have to be looking at you--say something like, "Hey, stop staring at me! Didn't your mother teach you manners?" This makes the girl have to defend herself, and puts you in command. She may be bitchy and say, "I wasn't looking at you," in which case you should say something snappy, like, "Oh, pleeease. If you were looking any deeper at me, there'd be holes in my skin." Say this with a knowing grin so she knows you're joking...women love humor. So you've got the tools to approach women successfully. Now go out and use them. Just like that, your attraction meter, has shot up!
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12.
Humor
GOAL: Using the power of laughter to raise a woman's interest in you
Mr. Red has 8 great ways for getting a girl to laugh…and to open up in conversation with him. Here’s what he does: 1-Tease: Remembering that surprise and the unexpected are some of the keys to winning a woman’s heart, Mr. Red does the opposite of what a lot of guys do; he’s not afraid to tease a girl and make fun of her. She may be a model and he’ll say, “Wow, you guys model some really strange clothes. Who picked that outfit for you? Richard Simmons?” Girls don’t expect you to make fun of them; in fact, the really beautiful ones expect lap dogs. So if you can surprise her by humoring her about herself, you’ll really make yourself attractive. 2. Self-Deprecation: Nothing shows confidence like the ability to make good clean fun of yourself. This is where karaoke clubs are king amongst places to meet women. If you’ve heard my lesson on “Where to Meet Women”, you know that karaoke bars are one of the top places to socialize with women, because you instantly get a chance to be funny and entertaining. It’s the one place where being a clown is considered normal. 3-Observational Humor. Hey, strange and funny things always happen. Mr. Red keeps his eyes open and his attention ready, knowing that something interesting and entertaining could occur at any moment. He might see a guy whose face looks like his dog's, or a ridiculous-looking cat staring at him. By pointing these things out with a certain level of dramatic flair, Mr. Red comes off as sharp, witty, and full of fun. 4-Wit. Mr. Red knows that nothing looks stronger than a guy who can cut his opponent to pieces, especially using their own remarks against them. It conveys intelligence, humor, and power, all in one. And if he is able to put a jock alpha-male in his place in front of a woman, he gets major points for that. 5-Exaggeration. Hey, just be ridiculous. Mr. Red gets girls' phone numbers just by walking around like a crab. Or by singing a note REALLY off-key. It depends on what kind of girl you're after--if she's an ice queen, I wouldn't recommend it--but for fun, easygoing girls, going over the top will make them laugh--and want to be with you in the process. Mr. Red knows this, and if he senses a girl is open to this type of humor, he uses exaggeration to full effect, knowing temperatures will rise when humor is successfully utilized. 6-Imitations/Quotations: If you genuinely have a talent for doing imitations, try it out on a girl. Especially if you’re talented at imitations, it’s a great way to impress a girl and make an instant connection. - 75 -
7-The Borat Approach. I love this one. Simply go up to a girl and smile like Borat and say, "High five!" Or do this by asking her if she likes something, and if she agrees, say in a Borat voice, "I do too! Yes, high five!" I've found girls love this; it's just plain funny and loosens them up. 8-Develop Personal Jokes: • Mr. Red knows that nothing develops rapport quite like inside jokes between you and a chick. Instant rapport is the gateway to seduction. • Furthermore, Mr. Red knows that whereas we men are stimulated VISUALLY, women are stimulated more EMOTIONALLY. Feeling like she's known you forever, like best friends, like a long-time couple is a MAJOR turn-on • Having that connection that makes her feel part of something intimate and personal. Do things that good friends or partners say, like, “Hey, you want to know something no one else knows?” Of course she’ll want to. • Make it sound serious and tragic, only to be funny. Try, “Well, I’m really embarrassed about this…it’s a major insecurity for me…I-I probably shouldn’t tell you.” Naturally she’ll be like, “No! Tell, tell!” So you say, “Well, I’m…a…heterosexual. There! I said it! Please don’t tell anyone!” Of course she’ll keep you “secret” between you and her, and it will be a fun, inside joke between you and her. A great way of making things interesting, and forming a connection with a girl that she won’t soon forget. • • • •
•
The key in any form of humor is to have confidence in it. Don't be afraid to try something ridiculous, something off-the-wall. The fact that the majority of guys wouldn't do it...makes you look all the more courageous and unique for doing it. You instantly build higher value. Additionally, stand up for your sense of humor, even if it doesn't pan out. A lot of times people won’t get your humor, and you have to be able to rebound from it. If a girl stares at you, unamused and unimpressed, you can’t just stutter and apologize. Be prepared to switch to another subject, or even poke fun at your own joke with a laugh: “Wow, what a crowd! Guess that’s the last time I use that one!” It may even be a future joke: “Remember that time I said the joke about such and such? Man, I thought I was at a funeral or something, the reception was so bad!” Extra points if you turn the bad joke into an INSIDE joke...never underestimate the value of deep, personal connections, even if they're painfully unfunny ones!
ATTRACTION IN ACTION Never underestimate what teasing can do for your game. Next time you go - 76 -
out, make a point to tease a girl you find attractive when you first meet her. When you're introduced to her or introduce yourself, say something like, "Hey, um, hate to say this, but you got something on your teeth." Then say, "Oh...wait. Sorry, your teeth are always like that." "My bad..." Humor is such a wonderful way to make yourself look good, and women truly love it. So use it to your attraction advantage, and watch the number of women you hook up with, soar. Recommended Resources • Double Your Dating and Cocky Comedy, by David DeAngelo • The Art of Approaching, by Joseph Matthews • The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, by Neil Strauss • How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes
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13.
Projecting Value
GOAL: Show women that you are a catch they would be foolish to pass up. You WILL be a catch by the end of this lesson. Use the information you've learned so far, and the great techniques you learn today, and you're well on your way to success. Five things that women instinctively look for in men: •
Physical prowess--that is, the ability to protect and defend her, as well as good genes to pass on to her potential offspring
•
Financial Resources
•
Ambition
•
High Educational Level, and
•
Status
EXERCISE Based on what you learned in the lesson, how can you provide the five things women want?
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ____________________________________ How do you show value? If you've ever seen the classic movie, or read the book, The Tao of Steve, you'll be familiar with its tenets. It gives three rules for capturing a woman's interest. They are: 1) suppress your desire--and your agenda of getting her into bed 2) You have to do something excellent in her presence, therefore proving your sexual worthiness. 3) Retreat--ie, keep 'em wanting more.
EXERCISE Watch
"The
Tao - 78 -
of
Steve"
Mr. Red's 5 other ways for projecting value: 1. Momentum: One great thing to do is, when you get that first phone number, don't quit there! Make a show of it: move on to the next girl, to the next success. Girls get jealous when they see a great guy like yourself with other girls, so if you’re able to have a great conversation, then show that you’re not dependent on her by moving on to another women, you project quality and uniqueness. You’re communicating, “I’m a high-value commodity. If you want me, come and GET me!” 2. Teasing: As I said before, teasing is a great way to “demonstrate confidence, humor, AND the fact that you’re a challenge.” Kenny suggests things like slapping a girl’s hand, saying, “You just lost a point” and make women keep track, and I personally suggest saying, “Oh, you’re no fun. I’m gonna have to find someone else.” This’ll make her jealous, and if you’ve done well, she’ll plead with you to stay. 3. Getting Physical: Being physical doesn't just mean having a nice body and good health; it also means using your body to make contact with a girl. Interestingly, says one guru, “women don’t respect” a lack of physicality. “The longer you wait, the harder it is.” Remember, you want to show that you’ve got balls, so doing things like slapping her hands (lightly), or saying, “You’ve got some gunk on your face” and brushing your hand on her neck, you’ll not only stimulate her, but show that you’ve got confidence. A winning combination to sexual success. 4. Make Her Feel Safe: Like I said before, protecting a girl, showing you'll stand up for, is an incredible way to demonstrate value. It's one of women's needs; they need to know that their man will protect and defend herself and children. So meet her needs. If a guy is bothering her, tell him to get lost. If someone is threatening the girl or anyone in the social venue, stand up for the person. Girls LOVE this, and it's absolutely necessary for gaining her attraction; you really can't attract a woman without making her feel safe. If you DON'T make her feel safe, like a Mr. Yellow, you're going to lose her faith and attraction in you. Either way, do your best to keep an eye on threatening situations, and if one should arrive, NEVER back down! 5. Finally, Sexual innuendos. One guru says something brilliant, “Talking about sex is the first step towards having it.” Whether you want to talk about it after having just met a girl, or on the first date, is up to you, but either way it’s a great way of moving things ahead—and showing quality. Adding physical touch, a throaty voice, and sexual innuendo together, is an amazing move. If you say, “So ” as you put your hand on your knee, “are you a bad girl?” Her stomach will flutter, and she won’t be seeing you in a bar or club anymore—she’ll be seeing you in a bed, next to her. Now that IS quality!
EXERCISE - 79 -
1. Write down 5 emotions you want to create in women (happiness, curiosity, suspense, etc.). In what ways can you make her feel those emotions better than anyone else? 2. Before you go out, practice joking with your friends. Find 3 funny stories you can tell the ladies. Get used to being the guy who jokes around a lot. 3. Think of 5 things you can tease a woman about--example, her clothes.
________________________________________________________ __________________ ________________________________________________________ __________________ ________________________________________________________ __________________ ________________________________________________________ __________________ ________________________________________________________ __________________ Recommended Resources "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You," by Leil Lowndes "The Art of Approaching," by Joseph Matthews "Venusian Arts Handbook," by Mystery
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DECISION POINT #4: WHO DO I WANT TO DATE? 1.
Securing the First Date
GOAL: Successfully set up a first date with ease, using the following techniques.
1. Becoming a Catch: If you want to get a date with a beautiful, exciting woman, you have to show her you're a catch. How do you do that? Try the following ways: 1. Be a Challenge. • Don't show interest in a girl just because...she's a girl. • Look at all the romance novels and films: women love the thrill of the chase, the hunt for true passion, getting a man despite the odds. • Danielle Steele does NOT write novels about women going for the first man who comes her way. • Romance novels always work on the same formula: the WOMAN falling in love with the man, NOT the man falling in love with the woman. The man is so attractive that he can get any girl he wants...but he goes just for her. • Guys, women do not want to be easy. They want a challenge. You can be a challenge by showing class and showing status. Do the same things as men who can get any women they want--like Mr. Red. • • • • •
•
Lean away from your target Be relaxed, be calm in her presence. Don't act overly interested to be talking to her, even if she's the most gorgeous girl you've ever met. That is, don't smile and sound fascinated by everything the woman says; listen to her, but don't treat her like a goddess. This especially applies to beautiful or career-driven women who are used to flattery and praise. Giving a yawn, acting unimpressed, saying things like, "A model, huh? That's nice, I guess."--these things assert your dominance, and signify that SHE has to impress YOU, not the other way around. Again, women LOVE a challenge.
2. Social proof. Show a women you're a catch by showing her how popular you are with other girls. Don't stick to just this one girl; talk to other women, bring any female - 81 -
friends you have along, and don't stick around when the girl gets busy. If she starts talking to her friends, walk away calmly. Engage in conversation with other girls, or even other guys. Show that life goes on without her; when she sees an independence in you, she realizes that you're a catch. 3. Believing in yourself. Never talk about anything as if it's nothing special, or stupid, or boring. The way you treat yourself is the way SHE will treat yourself. If you talk about yourself in a negative, boring way, then well, how is she to believe you're anything different than that? Likewise, if you talk about yourself in positive, praising terms, then she will, too. 4. Being yourself. Now, while I want you to follow this advice, you have to be NATURAL and GENUINE. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. That is, don't pretend to be an alpha male jock if you're actually a really sweet nice guy. Or, if you really are an alpha jock, don't try to be sweet and innocent. Be who you are. You can't please everyone, so just concentrate on being yourself. You'll be much happier, and much more successful with women. 5. Dress for success. This is a big one. As Lowndes writes, "Dress as though you were auditioning to be her husband." Now, getting married may be the last thing on YOUR mind, but it just might be the first thing on HER mind. As Lowndes writes, "Evolutionary theorists tell us that, even when considering a quickie, a woman subconsciously listens to her genes. When a man is well dressed, it signifies his ability to provide for her offspring. Even when she's wondering, 'Should I or shouldn't I tonight?" how well you could care for her and her unborn children is in the back of her mind." So dressing well is just one step is reassuring her that you're worth it, that you make a great date--and maybe, one day, a great husband and father. If that's not convincing enough, Lowndes cites a study in which women were asked six hypothetical questions ranging from "Whom would you choose to marry?" to "Whom would you choose for a one-night stand." For every question, the men who dressed the best, got the highest scores. It's important, because as you know, women instinctively search for status, ambition, and financial resources. What you wear says a lot about what you can provide. So remember, if you dress in nice, formal, expensive clothes, YOU might just score well with women, as well. 6. Follow the three rules of the Tao of Steve: •
Eliminate your desires.
•
Do something excellent in her presence, thereby proving your sexual worthiness. - 82 -
•
Retreat, for as Heidegger said, "We pursue that which retreats from us."
A brief overview of each rules tells us why the rules make you a catch: •
Eliminate your desires. As said before, when a woman feels like she's earned your interest, not just gotten your interest because she's hot or has big boobs, then she'll be more inclined to give you what you want in the first place. Showing your desires, talking to a woman simply because of her beauty, indicates that you're full of desire. Thus, you're no challenge for the girl, and she's likely to resist you.
•
Do something excellent in her presence, thereby proving your sexual worthiness. By showing a girl a talent--a magic trick, playing a guitar, telling really funny jokes, etc.--you separate yourself from every other guy out there. You're a rarity, a FIND, and women LOVE to be with a guy who's hard to find.
•
Retreat, for as Heidegger said, "We pursue that which retreats from us." Women are so used to being chased, that when a guy shows interest and then leaves, they don't know what to do. Suddenly, they don't feel good enough, and feel that they have to PROVE themselves to the man to get his interest. This is what you want: for a girl to EARN your interest. By retreating, you make her have to chase. And when she chases, she seeks validation. YOU have the power to give it to her. And that, my friends, makes you a catch!
But what happens if she doesn't chase me?, you ask. In this case, ask yourself, What would a high-status guy do? Would he worry that a woman isn't going after him? Or would he relax, with confidence, knowing that women are naturally attracted to men the same way that metals are attracted to magnets? Hey, a piece of metal might put a little resistance to the magnet, but eventually it'll succumb. Likewise, if she's into you, she will eventually come and find you. If she doesn't come after you after an hour or so, then you didn't prove you're chaseable, and the first date wasn't going to happen in the first place. Move on. There are so many other high-quality women out there.
2. Setting Up The First Date a. Ways to Ask for Her Phone Number 1. Leave Her Hanging •
I love this method.
•
The idea is to not ask for her number, but leave things just when they're - 83 -
getting good. It makes you look independent, thereby giving you CONTROL over her. If she wants to have a good time, she'd better earn it and make the effort herself. •
Tell her your friends are waiting for you; this will make you look concerned. As you leave, say, "Maybe I'll see you again sometime" with a confident grin. She'll probably agree, in which case she'll either give you her number or you can easily say, "Look, why don't I get your phone number and maybe you can be my friend too," with a devious grin. By doing this, you incite positive, spinning emotions in her. It's sexually suggestive, and believe me, GIRLS WANT THAT FROM GUYS. Saying this with confidence and spunk is sure to make her eager to see you again. Remember, CREATE EMOTIONS.
Or, interrupt a really intimate moment with something funny. "Oh man," you say in a nervous voice. "I have to go." "Why?" she'll ask. "Because," you say, "I just remembered I left my cat Mittens out. I'm really worried about her." She oughta get a laugh, but don't stop moving. Apologize, and she'll be sure to stuff her number into your pocket or cell phone. VERY IMPORTANT: Leave with an inside joke •
Helps SO MUCH to have made an inside joke before calling her. Never forget the importance of RAPPORT--personal, intimate connections that are purely between you and her.
•
Remember, inside jokes and signals form EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS that separate you as unique. When she hears this joke or secret sign, she thinks POSITIVELY of you and you only!
•
This allows you to call her and start a natural conversation based on this joke. For example, if your inside joke were, say, that you really like to wear Scooby Doo underwear, you can easily call up and say, "Hey ____, was just sorting through my G-string drawer and was thinking of you. I needed your advice: Do you think red scooby doo underwear or pink scooby doo underwear? I'm having trouble deciding, so I need the help of an expert. You're my man. Call me." A lot easier than calling with no rapport built beforehand.
2. Find Something in Common
•
This is the easier, more natural method.
•
Make sure you find out at least one thing you both have in common. As Leil Lowndes says, "like attracts like" and girls want to have a REASON to go out with a guy--a reason other than their beauty. They want to EARN A MAN'S INTEREST. - 84 -
•
Example: If you discover she loves Spanish music, mention that you know this great tapas place that plays good music (up to you to find one), so why doesn't she come along? However, make sure you don't come off as desperate; mention it casually but firmly, with a touch of humor, like, "Well, listen, I gotta get going, but why don't I take you to ____ sometime? You can watch me burn my tongue on one of the jalapenos. I once had to have complex surgery from too many hot peppers." Can just set up the date from there.
•
Remember, though, to not seem too interested. Talk SLOWLY, meet her eyes, shoulders back--CONFIDENCE
b. Ways to Speak to Her On the Phone 1. Call her casually, with a touch of comedy •
I tend to wait a few days after seeing her to call; the old "Don't want to seem too desperate" thing. That rule still applies. After all, you're on a path. You can live without her (you really can!).
•
Use inside jokes. Call her and say, "Hey, _____, what's up? It's your lover calling. Just going through my G-string drawer and thought of you. Hey, I know this great place that sells great jock straps, why don't we go there together?" Helps if you start out funny to ease her up.
•
Don't take forever. Make sure you show that you have other things going on (which you do!). Conversation shouldn't take more than a few minutes.
•
NEVER say, "Remember me?" The alpha male EXPECTS people to remember him. He is confident that people will never forget him.
•
If she's busy, don't distress. Remember, you're on a path; you can live without the girl. At the same time you are ASSERTIVE, so take control out of her hands and into yours. If she says she's busy at the moment, say, "No worries. I gotta get going myself, it's not easy being a G-string model. Look, Thursday night at 8 . I know you want to see my latest collection of Scooby Doo g-strings, so see you there. Later."
•
This gives you control, expecting her to be somewhere and showing an independence at the same time if she isn't. If she doesn't show up, don't bother calling for at least another week. Go out and find some other girls. As they say on urbandictionary.com, "
2. Leaving Voice-Mail Messages - 85 -
•
Don't be like Mikey from "Swingers" and leave 20 messages in one night!
•
Leaving a voice-mail is a sort of test, a test of whether you are INDEPENDENT or NEEDY. Which trait do YOU want to present women with?
•
When you leave a message, make sure it incites emotions--humor, anticipation, excitement are the main 3.
•
A typical message "Hey, ____, it's _____. I was just going through my Gstring drawer and the Scooby Doo one made me think of you. Anyway, you know my number...or maybe. Well, call me anyway. ___(number)___. Later."
•
Key is to have a CALM, collected voice that says you EXPECT her to call you back. If you don't have that voice yet, don't bother calling!
•
Never ever ever say, "Remember me?" Mr. Red assumes that women remember him. He has that swagger and cockiness.
•
If she doesn't remember your name, he can move on to someone who does remember his name.
•
Leave only one message, and leave it up to her to call back. If she doesn't, MOVE ON.
•
A man on a path knows he will find other girls. As UrbanDictionary.com says of "oneitis," the disease in which men think only about one girl: ""Often confused with love, this is the feeling that a particular woman is actually special. This is just an illusion; she is the same as the other three or so billion." 'Go f*** ten other women' is the most commonly prescribed treatment for this "disease" (hence the "itis"), as it tends to show quite quickly how very alike people are."
•
Remember: Only you can make yourself happy. Give other people that control, and you'll never be happy with yourself!
3. Recommended Resources: "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You," by Leil Lowndes "The Tao of Dating," by Dr. Alex Benzer "Pickup 101," by Lance Mason
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2.
What to Do on the First Date and Beyond
GOAL: To have a successful first date, and pave the way towards a lasting relationship In today's lesson you're going to learn what to say, how to look, and where to go on the first date. You'll also learn exactly how to close the evening and move things on to intimacy and the relationship. Right here, on How to Be Irresistible to Women!
1. Creating an EMOTIONAL First Date I highly recommend you try Leil Lowndes' "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You." She goes into detail on just about every facet of meeting women and having relationships with them. In her section on "The Scientifically Proved Best First Date," she discusses how in order to make a woman really enjoy the first date, you have to increase not only her sexual attraction, but her EMOTIONAL AROUSAL, as well. In fact, if you raise her emotions, her sexual attraction won't be far behind. Any good emotions that you draw out during your date will forever be linked with you--and THAT'S a good thing! As Lowndes writes, "science tells us, if your first experience is stirring, your date will transfer the strong emotions to you." So think about what kinds of fun emotions you want your date to associate with you. Some ideas are: • • • • • • • • • •
Exciting Exhilarating Fascinating Intellectual Unbelievable Adventurous Daring Provocative Sensual Mysterious
If your date experiences some of these favorable emotions during her time with you, she won't forget them; she'll remember them, and treasure them. So your first goal in creating the ideal first date is to imagine what you want your date to feel. Then think about what first date venues you can suggest to ensure she feels those emotions. A dinner date is okay, but does it have the ups and downs and excitement of a rollercoaster? Not usually. So I highly suggest you try something fun, different, unique. Some of these include: • •
Surfing Horseback riding - 87 -
• • • • • •
Dance class, particularly salsa (don't worry if you're not good at it-just having fun with it will mean she associates having fun with you) Scary movie (so you can hold her and reassure her everything will be all right!) Hiking Motorcycle riding Theme park, particularly a rollercoaster ride Ice-skating
What's great about these date venues is that they don't require you to talk a lot to show what a great guy you are. These places and activities THEMSELVES have the positive traits you want your date to link to you. I particularly like rollercoaster rides because they create the emotions you want: fast-paced, exhilarating, sometimes scary but always thrilling. In short, the way you want your date to think of you. Because when she transfers the feelings of a rollercoaster ride or salsa class to you, there's no way she's not gonna want to see you again. Who can resist a second rollercoaster ride? What's great about activities that can be scary, like a horror movie or carnival ride, is that they do, in fact, make your date scared. A little fear is a good thing to inject into your date, because it allows YOU to come to the rescue of your date! Thus the reason scary movies and theme parks are so perfect. They let your date drop down, so you can pick her up! and you yourself don't have to have the perfect qualities of being fun, thrilling, and crazy--only your venue really does. As Lowndes writes, "someone is more likely to be attracted to another if he or she is emotionally aroused-even if the arousal does not come from the person."
2. What to Talk About So, having chosen a great place to take your date, you've let your exciting place do most of the talking for you. A great place speaks great things about you. Here's my list of five things to talk about...and five topics to avoid. 7 great things to discuss include: 1. Your dreams. Without exaggerating, let the girl know that you have dreams for a better future. Don’t make them up; be honest. If your dream is nothing more than to settle into a nice house with a good dog in the suburbs, tell her that. But do it with a passion; let her know that you’re a PASSIONATE PERSON. As I described with life purpose, girls LOVE to go on adventures. If you let her know that you’re on one, she’ll want to come along for the ride! 2. Funny stories. Rather than talking all about yourself, present something interesting in the form of a story. Ask your date, “Would you like to hear something funny?” Of course she will. So tell her, but present it in a humorous - 88 -
way. Humor is such a great aphrodisiac. It’s been proven to be tops on things girls want in a guy. So give it to them! 3. Her. Yup, can’t emphasize enough how important it is to LISTEN to a girl. So ask questions about HER dreams and HER goals. She’ll become a lot more interested in you if you show that you’re interested, and actively listen. 4. Teasing. Girls LOVE teasing, so the way you talk, and the way you move, are GREAT ways to get her excited about passion. If you’re playing pool, for example, NOTHING quite communicates sexual tension like getting behind her and showing her how to shoot. Guaranteed gold. 5. Secrets. An awesome, awesome way of making a date exciting. Once you've exchanged pleasantries and made light conversation, tell her you have a dark secret you've never told anyone else. You're really afraid to tell her, to which she'll say, "No, please! Tell me!" Then tell her a little bit by little bit...drag it out the whole date...Make sure it's good, though, or it won't work! 6. An object you have. I love this simple, incredibly effective technique. Bring a "prop" to aid your date. This works every time. I like to bring a Pez dispenser and keep it secret. ATTRACTION IN ACTION: I went on this one date that was by far the easiest (and most successful) of all of them. This technique is AWESOME; I highly recommend it if you want a quick, easy, and fruitful first (or even second or third) date! I met the girl outside the Spanish restaurant (which was very dark and intimate...creating emotions, remember?) and told her I brought a friend along. "Really?" she asked. "Yup," I said. "You'll get to meet her later." Naturally, nothing creates curiosity quite like the word LATER. Girls are NOT good at waiting (especially the ones who want to get married...), so this automatically put me in power. I had created an emotion in her: suspense, and I was going to use it! I also teased her around, "Oh, you want to meet her now? Sorry, you'll have to wait," with a devilish grin. Instant emotionally chemistry: she saw I had control, and loved it. So we ordered drinks, got some appetizers, all while she is very curious to see who this guest was. She asked heaps of questions about who it was, but I kept my ground. "You'll see"/"You'll find out"/"Man you're impatient!" It was cruel fun, and even though she protested, I knew she loved it. No guy had ever done this to her before--I was different in a very attractive (if not devious) way. So finally, after ordering our entrees (a good 30 minutes or so), I told her she was about to meet the guest. But first, she had to close her eyes. "Really?" she lightly whined. "YES," I ordered her. "Or the surprise is off." Women - 89 -
respect a man with power and firmness, so she complied. When I gave her permission to open them (a light slap if I caught her peeking), who did she but... A Princess Leia Pez dispenser. Naturally, she laughed out loud. It was a great surprise, full of suspense, and made her laugh. Three easy emotions, and I hardly had to talk about anything at all, just that some make-believe "guest" was coming to dinner. The rest of the date was smooth-sailing, and I got invited to her apartment. Yeah, you can say that the date was a success. ;) All by talking about little more than a Pez Dispenser. 7. Last but not least, sex. No, you don’t want to talk directly about how much you love it, or about how great sex was with your last partner (ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS a no-no!), but sexual innuendo is GREAT. As relationship guru brilliantly says, “TALKING about sex is the first step towards having it.” Ask her if she’s a bad girl, or what’s the craziest thing she’s ever done in her life—with a bit of innuendo added into your voice. She’ll know what you mean, and get excited thinking about it. 5 topics to avoid include: 1. Let’s talk first about offensive humor—or anything offensive for that matter. It’s just a no-no. Most girls get pretty offended when you bring racial and sexual jokes into a conversation. Now, there’s nothing wrong with sexual innuendo—it’s actually a great way of moving things on—but making jokes about women and anatomy is NOT gonna win you any points. The same goes for racist humor. Hey, I love Chris Rock’s jokes, but I would NEVER talk about them when I’m first meeting a girl. ESPECIALLY since you never know exactly what her background is. I’ve talked to girls who looked Italian but were actually half-black. You DON’T want to offend those girls! 2. Politics is just a no-win situation. Even if you two actually agree politically, the chances of you getting into an argument that goes nowhere is just too high. It’s an easy topic to fall back on if you have nothing to say, but it’s also an easy way to lose her favor. Don’t even bother; there are better things to talk about, which I’ll get to below. 3. Inside jokes are just that—inside jokes. They’re between you and some friends, so keep it there. If you have to explain a joke—it’s not funny! 4. Geeky and dorky things: Okay, unless you absolutely KNOW that the girl is a Trekky and a diehard Star Wars fan, don’t bring up ANYTHING that has to do with science fiction, comic books, video games, or anything else that attracts - 90 -
geeks and nerds. You always want to communicate higher status than a girl, and talking about these subjects—even if you’re a huge fan—does nothing but bury your status. 5. Past girlfriends and lovers—NEVER a good subject to talk about. The risk of coming across as whiny and bitter are just too high. And I know, it can be an easy topic to talk about. Sex and relationships are two things girls ALWAYS have time to talk about it. So they will try to test you by asking you about your past relationships. But the truth is, you have MUCH better things to talk about—or to listen to HER talk about. The best thing to say is to either tease her, with something like, “Why? Are you jealous?”, which will put her in her place; or to say, “I have nothing against my past girlfriend, but we were just not meant to be together. I wish her the best, but it was time to move on.” Simple, precise, honest. She’ll respect you more for those things, and get the cue that there are better things to talk about. And that’s a winner’s game!
3. Presentation "The better dressed a man was, the higher his marks were in all six categories-including one-night nookie." -Leslie Lowndes, "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You" You are what you wear--at least in the dating world. While you may not want to wear a $900 Armani suit out, studies show that it would help your cause. "Men's hunting gear is far more important to make the kill than a woman's is," says Lowndes. Why? Because women rate what a man wears a lot higher than a man rates what a woman wears. It may not seem fair, but it's true. As Lowndes writes, clothes "dramatically influence a Potential Love Partner's perception of you"--and why not? As dating is like marketing, your "clothes" are your packaging--and we all know that packaging influences whether we buy or not. So treat yourself like a product, and present yourself right. • •
• •
What are the "right" clothes? "What it does mean is whenever you step out the door, step out dressed to kill...your Quarry." "Evolutionary theorists tell us that, even when considering a quickie, a woman subconsciously listens to her genes. When a man is well dressed, it signifies his ability to provide for her offspring. Even when she's wondering, "Should I or shouldn't I?", how well you could care for her and her unborn children is in the back of her mind." "With men, how you carry yourself, your hair, your nails, your makeup, your grooming, your friendliness--that's what scores." If you're dressed like a slob and don't meet women, you only have yourself to blame. Dress as if your dream woman could show up when you least expect it--because, usually, she will! - 91 -
4. How to Close the Evening Ultimately, how well your night goes depends on the EMOTIONS you burn into your date's mind. Build a rapport, take her on a wild ride, and there's no limit to how well your night can go. Here's a checklist that you want to be able to answer right at the end of every date: • • • • • • •
Did you dress to impress?...or did you dress like you just got out of bed Did you build a rapport?...or did you struggle for conversation? Did you ask questions and listen to your date...or did you talk only about yourself? Did you avoid dangerous topics of conversation, such as politics and offensive humor? Did you initiate physical touch, or back away from any physical engagement? Was your date unpredictable and interesting...or predictable and stale? Did your date location create the ideal emotions you want your date to associate with YOU?
If you can answer YES to all these questions, you’re destined for success. Hey, you may even have a happy ending. That makes YOU irresistible! Recommended Resources • "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You," by Leil Lowndes • "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work," by Ariel & Shya Kane • "The Real Rules"
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DECISION POINT #5: AM I CONTENT WITH THE RELATIONSHIP I AM IN? 1.
Make Up...Or Break Up?
GOAL: To determine whether the girl you are with is worth staying with, or worth moving on from. Never let a break-up or a bad relationship lower your lifestyle. • • • •
QUICK FACT: 95% of guys let their relationships go way longer than they're happy with! They fear breaking a girl's heart, or losing the security of having a girlfriend, or never getting another girlfriend again. But what results? Misery. Fighting. Missed opportunities with girls who better fit your path. When it comes to a relationship gone stale, you have to be a stand-up, alpha kind of guy. That means you have to think about your life purpose first. Not being selfish, just looking out for yourself.
POWER RESOURCE "How to Fall Out of Love: How to Free Yourself of Love That Hurts-And Find the Love That Heals," by Dr. Debora Phillips "Your purpose must come before your relationship...If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence." -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man With that said, our goal today is to decide if the Woman is right for you or not. Because if she's not, you don't want her to drag down your life. So you've been dating your girlfriend, but you get to the point when you feel it isn't right. She doesn't do it for you, you're tired of bickering, or perhaps you just don't trust her. Whatever the reason, you have to ask yourself these 10 questions in order to decide if a break-up is right for you: •
Am I staying with your girlfriend ONLY because I feel I can't imagine a life without her? As David DeAngelo says in his Double Your Dating book, "Your enemies ARE Insecurity and Neediness. They are like hemlock and arsenic--either will kill your attraction when dealing with woman." Remember that only you have the power to find happiness...don't ever think that a life devoid of your girlfriend means no happiness. If you've reached that point in the relationship when you feel like your existence and happiness are solely dependent on having - 93 -
•
•
•
•
this girlfriend...fix yourself up, and move on. Am I staying with my girlfriend only out of sympathy out of fear? Sometimes a girlfriend threatens to kill herself if he leaves her, or even threatens him if he breaks up. This is just as bad, and very unhealthy for both of you. You're not doing your girlfriend any favors by making her dependent on you; in fact, the biggest favor you can do is to make people INDEPENDENT of you. Ever notice that? The men with the biggest aura, the biggest charisma, are the ones who empower people. The ones who make them feel better about themselves. Give a person the reward of independence and he will be your friend forever. Is my girlfriend part of my CHOICE? Is she less than ideal, or close to what I want? Am I settling? If you're settling for a girl, you're settling for failure. If you decided you want an intelligent, career-driven woman but are dating a bimbo blonde who just wants to spend your money, give it up. The sex may be great, but is it worth it? Keep her as a booty call if you must, but move on to a new girlfriend. Am I with a girl through someone else's choice? That is, did someone set me up with her and I feel bad to admit that it didn't work? This is why blind dates and arranged relationships are so bad. You feel you OWE IT to the people who set you up with the girl to make the relationship work. But this philosophy is completely off-the-mark. Relationships are YOUR choice: YOU determine who you want to date. Letting other people set you up, while a benevolent gesture, won't work if you're forced into a relationship with someone who doesn't fit into your path. When you let people set you up with a girl, let them know what you're looking for. Expound your preferences, empower your choice. Make the relationship about who YOU want, not about what OTHER PEOPLE want. Does my girlfriend fit into my LIFE PURPOSE? That is, Does she embrace my purpose, or try to detract me? If your purpose is to travel around the world and your girlfriend makes a fuss every time you want to travel somewhere, drop her. Girlfriends are not just lovers, they're FRIENDS. If someone doesn't support and encourage your purpose, she's not a friend. Move on.
"Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose."
-David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man •
Does the though of my girlfriend being in my future make me happy? If thinking of her makes you happy, stay with her; mend the relationship and make up. If the thought of spending another year with this girl drives you mental, then it’s best to end the relationship now. Don't stick with a girl out of fear that you won't get another one. Remember Lesson 6 of Decision Point 1: If you tell yourself AFFIRMATIONS, if you say - 94 -
•
•
•
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something like, "I am attractive to girls and I will get girlfriends," then you know what? You'll get what you speak into being. Conversely, if you're always telling yourself, "I can't get another girlfriend, I'm not good enough." Well, then you'll also speak that into being. Consider the power of words in your fate. Do I depend on the girl, or does she depend on me? While love is about building each other up, being needy and dependent on others for happiness does not do anyone, any favors. It doesn't help your girlfriend, and it doesn't help you. You can both love each other, but needing one another, not being able to exist with one another, is a serious condition that needs to be fixed. Remember the lessons learned from Identity: Only YOU can determine your happiness. If you are relying exclusively on your girlfriend for happiness, she has too much power, and you don't have enough. Do I or my girlfriend always call to see where the other is? Is there trust? As you will learn in the upcoming lessons of Decision Point 6, a relationship doesn't exist with trust. If you can't trust that your girlfriend will be faithful to you, show her your power. If commitment and honesty are important to you (and you're committed and loyal back!) let her know that. It's important in any relationship to be honest and communicate with each other. If you can't tell her how you feel, then she's probably not right for you. With that said, the next big question is: Does my girlfriend give me the chance to be myself? This is huge, probably THE most important one. Does your girl allow you to be comfortable in your own skin? To be yourself? Or does she want you to be someone else? Does she complain about who you are? Hey, nobody's perfect, and she has to accept that. You can't expect your girlfriend to be perfect, but then, neither can she expect that of you. A solid relationship is one in which both partners feel good about THEMSELVES while being with each other. I know this one couple that's a really skinny girl, and a really fat guy. Both of them could be self-conscious, but they're not. They really, truly love each other for who each other is. Logan, the fat guy, feels so much love from his girl that he has no problem going out in Speedos and tank tops! Suuure, this isn't too attractive to guys like me, but it's attractive to Logan's wife, and that's all that matters. He went from being insecure and afraid to go in public, to comfortable in himself and not afraid to show people who he is. Now I ask you: does your girlfriend help make YOU feel comfortable with who you are? If she tells you to be someone else, or doesn't love what she has, then move on. I have a friend whose girlfriend always asked him why he couldn't be someone else? Why couldn't he be taller? Why couldn't he wear nicer clothes? Why couldn't he play music? Finally this guy said, "I can only be me. If you want someone else, go find him," and broke up. He's been really happy since, because he doesn't have her negative vibes telling him he's not good enough. Instead, he found a girl - 95 -
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who loves him for who he is...and is happy with who he isn't. There are plenty of girls out there who are full of love. Show them love, and you'll get it back. Finally, Am I committed to commitment? This is also a big one. Even though I urge you to be faithful to your girlfriend, some guys can't handle that. They want to explore other girls, as well. If so, at least be honest with your girlfriend and tell her you're not ready for commitment. Then at least she can move on to a guy who is, and you can enjoy being with as many women as you want. Be careful, though: Lots of guys leave girlfriends thinking they can "upgrade." Then they find out that they don't get any girls, and run back to their old girlfriend with their tail between their legs. Problem is, she probably won't take you back. And you'll be left in the cold. Remember this: You get what you give. If all you do is take, cheat, and be selfish...then that's the way the world is going to treat you back. What goes around...comes around. So be honest and faithful. You won't regret it.
QUOTABLE QUOTE "A man shouldn't tolerate bitchy and complaining moodiness in his woman, but he should serve her and love her with every ounce of his skill and perseverance. Then, if she cannot or will not open in love, he might decide to end his relationship with her, harboring no anger or resentment, because he knows he has done everything he could." -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man Recommended Resources • "How to Fall Out of Love: How to Free Yourself of Love That HurtsAnd Find the Love That Heals," by Dr. Debora Phillips • "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You," by Leil Lowndes • "The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love," by Dr. Susan Jeffers • "Keep the Love You Find," by Dr. Harville A. Hendrix • "Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work," by Ariel and Shya Kane • "The Way of the Superior Man," by David Deida
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DECISION POINT #6: HOW DO I DEVELOP THE RELATIONSHIP? 1.
Listening Skills
GOAL: Learning the value of listening towards building a better relationship An old proverb goes, "Talking comes by nature, silence by wisdom." Ever wonder why women cheat? Unlike men, it's not really for physical reasons. It's for EMOTIONAL ones. It's because they feel their mate doesn't understand them, doesn't love them, doesn't care. Fortunately, if you listen well, you accomplish all three duties--understanding, loving, and caring--in one shot! •
There's a certain power in not talking. It's the power of suspense.
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Just a second or two extra pause can make a person nervous, fearful, SUBMISSIVE.
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Make a person wait for your response, while firmly looking her in the eye, and you send a subtle message that women can read loud and clear: YOU'RE IN CONTROL. YOU ARE THE BOSS.
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Carlos Xuma, author of "Dating Dynamics," explains that "Not answering is gaining control; answering our phone on the person anxiously gives UP control."
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So, don't rush to answer or comment; pause, as if you've seriously given thought. Make them sweat a little--this makes you different than most people, so the women will remember you.
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Furthermore, making a person wait for your response gives you SO much control; it's subtly saying that you're more important and you'll do things in your own time. Women LOVE this. They love a guy who shows dominance, and silence IS dominance.
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Practice what Xuma calls "vocal celibacy." He says, "The next time a woman asks you a question, PAUSE for a little bit…Keep pushing the limit until you can not answer the question at all. She’ll try to make you feel uncomfortable…if you can handle that, it’ll increase your confidence immeasurably.”
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Vocal celibacy is especially useful for attracting women when you are single. But it also helps when you are in a relationship, to assert your control. - 97 -
Okay, so pausing and listening give you power. Now, how do you use listening for love? You have to actively show you're listening, through the spoken and body language. Here are five great ways to show your lover you're interested in her--even if you're not! 1 Nodding. Yeah, simple nodding shows that you're paying attention to your woman. Make sure you're looking at her as you do this, though. Nodding while facing the TV does NOT count! 2 Questions. Questions are great for showing you're interested. Asking your girl simple things like "Really?", "Are you kidding", and "What happened then?" show that you're into her story, and want to know more. She'll love for you for that. 3 Assertions. Just a simple "uh-huh", "yeah", and "Oh, okay" are great for letting your woman know you're listening. 4-Repetition. One killer method is to repeat back what she just said--and with amazement in your voice. For example, if your girl is talking about how much she hates another woman at work--something that's SURE to come up--then you can say, "I can't believe that girl did that! How do you work with her?!?" Guaranteed to make your woman love you. 5-Don't be quick to respond with "I know what you mean" or "Yeah, the same happened to me." You may have a similar story or experience to the one the girl is describing, but that doesn't mean she cares. She'd rather be heard and understood, then told something that's a mirror of what she just said. Just show empathy or interest before sharing a similar story. Don't be quick to reply...or she'll be quick to move on! And the all-time best listening technique: 6. Repeat back something she told you earlier in the conversation. Guys, this will KNOCK HER SOCKS OFF and just up your attraction meters to unseen heights. Not only do you show you are listening now, but that you were listening the whole time! She will absolutely love you for this, guaranteed. Saying something like, “You know, I was just amazed by that story you told me about wanting to be a doctor,” or whatever, will make a girl’s blood turn hotter than fire. It WORKS. Use it in a relationship, and use it when you're first getting to know your date or girlfriend. It's an awesome way to show that you're paying attention, that you care, and that you love her--all in one. She'll never cheat on you, and your love...will blossom! Recommended Resources - 98 -
Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, by Barbara and Allan Pease The Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, by Leil Lowndes Why Men Don't Have a Clue, and Women Need More Shoes, by Barbara and Allan Pease Keeping the Love You Find, by Dr. Harville A. Hendrix Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman
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2.
Love Languages
GOAL: To understand what love languages are, and how you can use them to increase the love in your relationship to unseen heights. If you haven't read Dr. Graham Chapman's "The Five Love Languages", you're missing out. And so is your lover. The book explains that people have different "love styles". While some people feel loved most when they get presents or are touched, others require words of praise, or acts of service (such as cleaning the house for your lover). Many people have a combination of love languages; they are "multi-lingual", so to speak. If you can successfully "speak" your girlfriend's or wife's love language(s), you'll be on the way to fewer problems, greater love, and increased happiness for both of you. Sounds good? Listen on. The five love languages, as described by Dr. Chapman, are: 1. Acts of Service 2. Words of Praise 3. Gifts 4. Physical Touch 5. Quality Time EXERCISE • It's not always easy to know exactly love language your girlfriend practices, but there's a quick way you can find out: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html • Take the 30 second quiz on this website to see what love language or love languages you and your partner "speak." This is a great opportunity to talk with your girlfriend or wife, and you might just find your bond increase, and your problems decrease, just by taking the time to state what matters to each of you most. Remember, love goes both ways. This lesson isn't just about how to love your partner, but how to get your partner to love you. If you're honest with each other about what your NEEDS are--words of praise, a gift here and there, some quality time with your partner--then there's nothing to stop you from enjoying one another for years to come. Let's look at each of these love languages in detail: 1 Acts of Service. Some women enjoy a man doing things for her. Not buying things, not handing over gifts: just doing a simple service, such as - 100 -
2 Words of Praise. Some girls just need to be told that they’re doing a good job. This is when you should tell a girl, “I really like the way you’ve done your hair,” or “That painting you made is really awesome.” Simple stuff, but it goes a long way towards establishing and reclaiming love in your relationship. 3 Gifts. Hey, some women love gifts. This doesn't mean buying her a new car or a Tiffany watch, just showing you care with the occasional physical present. Surprise is a great element here; a surprise bouquet of flowers at work, a ring on her pillow, a surprise 4-Physical Touch. Some women need physical contact to feel loved. If this also means she needs lots of sex, consider yourself a lucky man! And believe me, there are such women who do feel valued by having their partner make love to them. 5-Quality Time. This is all about your PRESENCE. Sometimes it's not enough to buy gifts or have the occasional sex. Women need to have you AROUND, they need to know you're there. Many women have quality time as their language of love. But does this mean you have to sacrifice your time with the boys watching football or playing some hoops? Hell no! It's much more important to women to spend one good hour together than have you spend five hours in which you'd rather be ANYWHERE else. EXERCISE One way I suggest you show this love language is by setting at least one night that you spend together. No matter what, this is time you spend with your girlfriend or wife. It's a commitment. Do something fun that you can both enjoy: go to a theme park, have a nice dinner out, go to a concert together. It doesn't have to be boring. It just has to be time that you show you enjoy being around her. To make her feel NEEDED. Believe me, one full day or night together will go a loooong towards bringing back the love in your relationship...or making it soar to levels it's never been before. Who knows? Maybe you'll find you prefer spending time with your partner to going out with the boys. A few good hours getting to know each other and doing things together has been shown to raise the level of intimacy like nothing else. It's all about quality time, not quantity of time. • • • •
Finally, in a related topic, if you really want to show a woman your love, tell her you *need* her. Girls love to be needed; it's validation, security, and LOVE all in one. By saying the words, "I need you", or simply explaining how much she means to you, you're going to bring untold of happiness to your girl. Telling her how you couldn't imagine a life without her is an amazing way of making her feel better...and loving you more. - 101 -
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You'll be amazed by the change in her attitude. Don't be surprised if she starts serving you meals, buying you presents, doing great things for you...all because you made her day. You may not even have to spend so much quality time with her; she'll be so happy that she'll let you spend all the time you want with the boys. So guys, tell your girl you need her, now!
Recommended Resources "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html
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3.
Relationship Skills
GOAL: Building a relationship up by developing trust, intimacy, and other relationship skills Dr. Hendrix's Four Steps to Keeping the Love You Find: 1. 2. 3. 4.
Educating Yourself About Relationships Educating Yourself About Yourself, and Training Yourself in the Skills of Relationships Do what you can to change the behaviors and character defenses that are keeping you from keeping the love you find.
Required Skills for Any Relationship to Work: 1-Being Honest With Each Other. You have to be honest with your partner in how you feel. If she’s worth your time, she’ll respect your opinions and emotions. Likewise, you have to respect hers. This doesn’t mean, of course, that you should be shouting at each other every time you find something wrong with the other. In fact, one of the most difficult skills is telling your partner in the RIGHT WAY. Not by shouting, but not by meekly stating your objections, either. You have to state your complaints firmly, but also respectfully. Finding the balance requires true skill that comes with time. 2-Loving Every Part of Your Partner It may not be easy loving someone who has the opposite political views, or who loves country when you love rock ‘n roll, but strong couples accept EVERYTHING about the person. There are no conditions for their love; they just deal with who they are. At the same time, there’s skill #3, which is… 3-Looking Out For Your Partner Sometimes your partner has traits that aren’t good for anyone. I’ve got a cousin whose husband, Mack, is a vehement drinker. When Mack gets drunk, he’s a danger to everyone, including himself. Even though she loves him, that doesn’t mean she has to let Mack continue to hurt himself by constantly drinking. So a truly loving person looks out for his partner, when she’s too weak to look out for herself. But he also respects that change is not easy, and doesn’t expect instant transformation. That’s a winner’s game! 4-Showing Trust In Each Other. A solid relationship doesn’t exist without trust. But trust comes with time. If you have a reason to be suspicious of infidelity, you should certainly act on it. But always suspecting someone of doing bad things does NOT lead to trust. In fact, it often leads to the opposite. One of my female friends was - 103 -
always loyal to her boyfriend, but he never believed her. So the constant accusations actually led her to finally say, Screw it! I might as well cheat on him. 5-Building Each Other Up. You weren't put together just for love. You are SOUL PARTNERS and are meant to help each other grow. Sometimes that means not tolerating your partner's irritable behavior and telling her, honestly but gently, that you do not accept her behavior. "Bloom her into fullness..When a man resigns, and simply tolerates his woman's self-destructive moods, it is a sign of WEAKNESS. His attitude has become one of wanting to escape women and the world, rather than wanting to serve women and the world into love. A man shouldn't tolerate bitchy and complaining moodiness in his woman, but he should serve her and love her with every ounce of his skill and perseverance." -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. That way, if she is actually screwing around behind your back, you’re in the clear. YOU’RE the victim. Conflict Resolution: Finding Hope in Anger's Clothing, by Dr. Gary Chapman We can process our anger in a productive manner. Here are five steps for moving from anger to positive, loving action. Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. Say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement makes you aware of your own anger and also helps you recognize both your anger and the action you are going to take. You have set the stage for applying reason to your anger. Restrain your immediate response. Avoid the common but destructive responses: verbal or physical venting, or their opposite, withdrawal and silence. Locate the focus of your anger. What words or actions by the other person have made you experience anger? Whatever the cause of your anger, locate it. If the person has truly wronged you, identify the person’s sin. How has he or she wronged you? Then determine the seriousness of the offense. Some wrongs are minor and some are major. Knowing its seriousness should affect your response. Analyze your options. The response should be positive and loving. The two most constructive options are to lovingly confront the person or to consciously decide to overlook the matter. - 104 -
Take constructive action. Here Dr. Chapman writes, "If you choose to lovingly confront the person who has wronged you, do so gently. Listen to any explanation; it can give you a different perspective on the person’s actions and intentions. If the person admits that what he or she did was wrong and asks you to forgive, do so." Forgiveness, while not easy, is necessary. As Bryant H. McGill wisely quoted: "There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." Dr. Chapman's "Six First steps to a new beginning (from newlyweds to empty-nesters) Having confessed your failures and accepted God’s forgiveness, ask your partner to forgive you. Forget about your feelings. You do not have to feel anything to love your spouse. Feelings may change because of your actions, but feelings should not dictate your actions. Choose to love your mate, no matter how you feel. Express love to your mate by word or action once each day for the next month. Perhaps you could begin with a compliment each day for the next week. Do not allow your mate’s reaction to stifle your love. Nothing your mate does can stop your love as long as you choose to love. Why stop when love is your greatest weapon for good and growth? Consider the possibility of accepting in your mate some imperfection that has irritated you for years. If you decide to accept it, be sure to tell your mate. Such acceptance can be a positive step in your own emotional growth. Few individuals can resist genuine, unconditional love for more than a year. Why not start today? Make this the greatest year of your marriage. Many have found that in less than a month, love has begotten love, and their whole marriage has been turned around. GREAT RESOURCES FOR RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Keeping the Love You Find, by Dr. Harville A. Hendrix Why Men Don't Listen, and Women Can't Read Maps, by Barbara and Allen Pease Save Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Les & Leslie Parrott The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman Save My Marriage Today: http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com - 105 -
The Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, by Leil Lowndes Why Men Don't Have a Clue, and Women Need More Shoes, by Barbara and Allan Pease Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman
Wait! There’s More Great Resources for You from Triple 0 Relationships.com! After you’ve thoroughly explored the resources in the Members Area, you may find that you like more information. Here are two of the best online books that I’d recommend to learn more.
Recommended Reading: Double Your Dating By David DeAngelo I’ve discovered a great book called “Double Your Dating” by David DeAngelo. If you want to learn how to be a player and turn the tables on women who play mind games (and get them intrigued and fascinated by you instead!), then this book is for you. It’s especially effective for picking up beautiful women, who play games better than anyone else. Once you’ve read this book, you’ll know exactly what to do to show these women that you’re not like other guys out there who give them everything you want; you’re a challenge, and YOU’RE the one in control. As a result, you’ll find that women can’t get enough of you. Author David DeAngelo didn’t start out knowing this tips. But he’s a smart, educated regular guy ... a regular guy who for the longest time, like so many others, couldn’t figure out why he didn’t have the success with women he wanted. Several years ago, he made the decision in his life to do whatever it takes to get this whole “dating” thing down, no matter what the cost. He read everything he could find about women and dating, and was disappointed to discover that for the most part, there was no quality information available for guys like him who wanted simple yet effective techniques for sparking a woman’s interest from the start and getting her to actually come onto him ... even if she was cold to him at first! Frustrated but determined, David decided to go straight to the source. He sought out the few guys he knew who were unbelievably successful with - 106 -
women. You know, the guys in high school that you never stopped hearing about. He asked around and found more and more of these naturals, and sat down and picked their brains for every last piece of information he could dig up. He was surprised to find that many of these guys weren’t rich or handsome. In fact, several of them were down right broke and ugly! But they definitely had some kind of “power” that other guys didn’t, and after hanging out with these guys for a while, David started to figure out exactly what it was. It took some time, but before long David himself was getting women like crazy. His friends begged him to let them in on his secret. And, sure enough, it worked for them too! David had put together a complete system for meeting and dating women that any guy could use. They convinced him that he had to write a book, and soon “Double Your Dating” was born. In his book, David explains his step-by-step process for meeting and attracting women. Once you know it and master it, you can attract any woman you want, any time you want, by using the same mind games that women use on you. Women won’t be able to understand why it’s so effective! David has finally unraveled the “bad boy” mystery and explains exactly why some guys “get all the chicks”. More importantly, he explains how to develop the traits in yourself that drive women wild, and why you don’t have to be a bad boy or a jerk to be successful with women. There are simple things that you can do to separate yourself from 99% of the other guys out there, and David spells them out for you in plain English. He covers specific strategies and techniques for starting conversations with women, getting their phone numbers and email addresses, inexpensive and cheap date ideas, and how to take things to a “physical” level smoothly and easily. The techniques in the book are practical and easy to use. There is nothing you will have to memorize or study. You can start using what you learn right away. “Double Your Dating” is an absolute must read for any man, no matter where you’re at in the dating game. If you want to be a player and drive women wild, then the techniques in this book are for you. Claim your copy of “Double Your Dating” for only $19.95 via my exclusive link for 000Relationships.com members! http://www.000relationships.com/doubleyourdating/
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